Parents Weigh in on Tiger Moms

Amy Chua's book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother continues to make waves among women and parenting experts. It's gotten everyone talking about how to raise children today, in the midst of all the distraction out there. As mothers, we all want the best for our kids, but what does that really mean? The best at academics, the best at music, the best at sports, the best at relationships, the best at self-esteem, the best at balance?

Here on our blog, the comments we've gotten from you so far are overwhelmingly in favor of Western Moms over Tiger Mothers, but with the recognition that children do need rules and boundaries. And that, as parents, we need to acknowledge a healthy respect for the individuality of each child in helping them develop into successful adults.

Most of the media have come down on the side of western parenting, as well. Janet Maslin has written a scathing review in the New York Times book section, describing Ms. Chau as a narcissist who "never fails to make herself its center of attention" rather than on focusing on what is best for her daughters.

Ms. Chau believes that being a Tiger Mother encourages self-esteem in her children because they truly excel in particular activities. But some parenting experts note that overly controlling the choices teens can make may instead foster a negative self-image.

Parenting is never easy and there's lots of input available from developmental professionals. Clinical Psychologist Wendy Mogel advises parents to set standards and role model their values but then allow their teens the freedom to make their own decisions - and face the consequences of their actions. She calls it "compassionate detachment" and believes it helps build strength and resiliency in teens.

We've looked at different kinds of parenting styles here on our blog before. When Lenore Skenazy shocked overly protective helicopter moms with her book about how she was raising her 9 year old son, Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry, we talked about letting your children make some of their own decisions. In another blog post, we suggested that you resist micromanaging your teens and encourage them to do more independent problem solving. As your kids mature and head for college, the message is to ease up on being too directive and instead let them learn from the consequences of their actions.

Of course, it's true that western children waste many hours on texting, video games and television - more than 4 hours a day, according to Nielsen figures. On one of our blog posts, we gave you some tips about how to get your kids unplugged and find creative outlets for them instead. Even though it can be frustrating to try to wean them away from electronics, setting family rules about what is and is not acceptable is easier when your include your children in the planning process.

Of course you know well that parenting is messy and complicated, with you "ad-libbing" some of the time. You need to dig deep to understand your children's strengths and weaknesses - as well as your own - in creating your personal style. And recognize that it will develop as your kids grow and change. But when you give your children the room to rely on themselves and build independent problem solving skills, you are teaching them about how to succeed in life, as well as in school.

So what are your thoughts about all of this? Let's keep the conversation going. Just click on the "comments" button and share your experiences with all of us.

Is Raising Free Range Kids Irresponsible or Brave Parenting?

How to parent has always been a hot topic and there are plenty of self help books, full of instructions. Well over 40 years ago parenting expert, Dr. Haim Ginott, referenced a client who described his mother as a helicopter, hovering over him. And the term 'Helicopter Parenting' was defined as an ineffective parenting style in the 1990 book, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility.

Journalist Lenore Skenazy has recently put this subject, once again, in the limelight. She set her 9-year-old son free by himself in the New York City subways and then wrote an article that created a lot of controversy. Her book, Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry is based on her actions as a parent and the public reactions about what a terrible mother she was.

Skenazy has a term for those who buy into a money-making market aimed at parents and driven by fear - she calls it 'parental mania.' She now has quite a following and you can read about what she and her fans have to say on her blog, Free Range Kids.

Parenting at its best combines a gentle delivery but firm conviction. Not always easy. And as your kids want more freedom, you may find it's hard to let go. How do we decide when to allow our kids to go places alone? How old is old enough? And how much protection is overprotection? These are hard questions, to be sure. Read this blog post by Jennifer Gresham, a new mom who is trying to figure it all out. And then begin to step back from your growing kids by following these practical tips:

Let your kids make some decisions on their own. In the beginning, these can be as simple as yogurt or nuts for snack, alloted screen time after breakfast or before dinner. It will make them feel more involved, confident and prepared to make choices as they get bigger. It’s been said before, but experience is a great teacher.

Resist taking on chores that now should fall to them. These too can start small. As much as putting their clothes in the laundry, setting the table and making their beds have been part of your job description so far, it may now be time to pass the baton.

Focus on their positive qualities. Think of reasons to support their evolving ideas as they begin to feel better about expressing themselves. And remember that another part of their training right now is to learn about the joys and responsibilities of more freedom and independence.

Practice open and honest communication. Talk out any conflicts or misunderstandings. Use the same conversational etiquette that you would with anyone else you care about and respect. Teach your kids active listening skills and sending I-messages - it's a gift that will last a lifetime.

Of course, there is no one right way to parent. But growing children need to learn to rely on their own instincts and independent problem solving. Instead of overprotecting them, let's get back to teaching children how to safely take risks and take care of themselves.

Want to read a delightful article by Roger Ebert? It's in the Chicago Sun Times, entitled Remember When - and has over 350 comments. Log on the rest of the week as we further explore this subject using, as examples, sailor Abby Sunderland and FabOverFifty.com's matchmaking service for her 31 year old son.