Toning Down Your Fights

Here we are again in March, which has the reputation of coming in like a lion, out like a lamb.


Do these changes in the tone of the weather mirror the shifting atmosphere of your relationships?

Images: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Everyone has fights sometimes but have you been wondering how you can switch your relationship squabbles from turbulent to sunny in the same way March does? Whether you're dealing with a significant other, your child, parent, in-law, friend or colleague at work, here are some tips for toning down the rhetoric and creating your own calm in the storm:

Commit to working toward change. Decide to let go of old hurt feelings and instead focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. When you find yourselves fighting the same battles again and again, determine to finally resolve them or agree to put them away with the understanding that you'll accept your differences of opinion.

Let go of your anger. Step back and take a deep breath - several actually. Leave the conversation for a while and find a healthy outlet for your negative physical energy - go for a jog, yell in the shower, hit a pillow, call a friend. When you remove yourself and deal with your anger, you can come back to the disagreement later when you both have calmed down. For some ideas about how sandwiched boomers can develop this approach, check out a past blog post.

Listen, really listen. Develop the skill of active listening - paying attention to what your partner is saying without distracting yourself by planning a response. Ask empathic questions and work to understand his position, feelings and needs, even if you don't agree with them. Conflict resolution techniques can work among family members as well as they do in business and international relations.

Fight fair, even as you keep your communication open and honest. Keep your messages on topic and avoid name-calling and criticisms about character traits and past actions. Focus on talking about behaviors and issues that can be modified. Let your partner know about how you react to his or her actions without putting a value judgment on them. For more tips about improved and effective communication, re-read our post about limiting your arguments.

Be willing to take some responsibility. As you acknowledge your part in the turmoil and begin to see your partner's perspective, it's easier to find the means to compromise and cooperate. Learn some of these practical strategies we offered to new bride Chelsea Clinton and her groom, Marc Mezvinsky, on a past blog post.

Insert some positives into the equation. Give compliments for positive behaviors you want to reinforce. Forgive your partner for mistakes made and offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong. Shared humor can ease the strain of hostility and help forge a new sense of connection.

If your husband has been the main source of tension in your marriage, our virtual book tour with Jed Diamond about his book Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationships from the Irritable Male Syndrome can give you some additional suggestions about how you can dilute the anger and start enjoying each other again.

As you know so well, your relationship with your mother - or daughter - isn't immune to a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows either. As a matter of fact, it's often the closest emotional connection a woman has in her life. But close doesn't always mean easy. When you want some more insight into how to pull back a little, click on our virtual book tour with Susan Shaffer and Linda Gordon, authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship.

And here on the blog we also hosted a virtual book tour with Dr. Susan Lieberman, author of The Mother-In-Law’s Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children. So if you're searching for more ideas about how to smooth over the friction between you and your daughter-in-law, you'll get some helpful advice from her.

You'll find more tools for developing successful relationships when you search our blog. Let us know what works for you - and remember spring is just a few weeks away.

Parents Weigh in on Tiger Moms

Amy Chua's book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother continues to make waves among women and parenting experts. It's gotten everyone talking about how to raise children today, in the midst of all the distraction out there. As mothers, we all want the best for our kids, but what does that really mean? The best at academics, the best at music, the best at sports, the best at relationships, the best at self-esteem, the best at balance?

Here on our blog, the comments we've gotten from you so far are overwhelmingly in favor of Western Moms over Tiger Mothers, but with the recognition that children do need rules and boundaries. And that, as parents, we need to acknowledge a healthy respect for the individuality of each child in helping them develop into successful adults.

Most of the media have come down on the side of western parenting, as well. Janet Maslin has written a scathing review in the New York Times book section, describing Ms. Chau as a narcissist who "never fails to make herself its center of attention" rather than on focusing on what is best for her daughters.

Ms. Chau believes that being a Tiger Mother encourages self-esteem in her children because they truly excel in particular activities. But some parenting experts note that overly controlling the choices teens can make may instead foster a negative self-image.

Parenting is never easy and there's lots of input available from developmental professionals. Clinical Psychologist Wendy Mogel advises parents to set standards and role model their values but then allow their teens the freedom to make their own decisions - and face the consequences of their actions. She calls it "compassionate detachment" and believes it helps build strength and resiliency in teens.

We've looked at different kinds of parenting styles here on our blog before. When Lenore Skenazy shocked overly protective helicopter moms with her book about how she was raising her 9 year old son, Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry, we talked about letting your children make some of their own decisions. In another blog post, we suggested that you resist micromanaging your teens and encourage them to do more independent problem solving. As your kids mature and head for college, the message is to ease up on being too directive and instead let them learn from the consequences of their actions.

Of course, it's true that western children waste many hours on texting, video games and television - more than 4 hours a day, according to Nielsen figures. On one of our blog posts, we gave you some tips about how to get your kids unplugged and find creative outlets for them instead. Even though it can be frustrating to try to wean them away from electronics, setting family rules about what is and is not acceptable is easier when your include your children in the planning process.

Of course you know well that parenting is messy and complicated, with you "ad-libbing" some of the time. You need to dig deep to understand your children's strengths and weaknesses - as well as your own - in creating your personal style. And recognize that it will develop as your kids grow and change. But when you give your children the room to rely on themselves and build independent problem solving skills, you are teaching them about how to succeed in life, as well as in school.

So what are your thoughts about all of this? Let's keep the conversation going. Just click on the "comments" button and share your experiences with all of us.

Are You a Tiger Mother or Western Mom?

With the publication of her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Amy Chau has unleashed a flurry of heated discussions about parenting styles. When an excerpt of Yale Law Professor Chua's book was printed in the Wall Street Journal, there were well over 5000 comments - more than any other article in the history of their website.

Chau insists that her book is a memoir, not a guide about child rearing. But by describing her strict Chinese mother rules for her two daughters, now teens - no playdates, no sleepovers, no TV, no school plays, no choice in extracurricular activities - she emphasizes the control she exacted as they were growing up. And Chau explains the rigid academic demands she set for her daughters - getting no grade less than an A, being the #1 student in every school subject, playing the piano or violin at an expert level, winning gold medals. She justifies this by stating that it will serve her children in good stead as "achieving academic excellence gives you self-esteem."

By comparison, Western parents may be seen as coddling, soft and weak. Chau notes that studies have shown Chinese parents spend about 10 times as long each day drilling their children in academic subjects. But many have noted that these behaviors may have adverse effects. Arguments about parenting styles do not happen in a vacuum: the suicide rates are above average for Asian-American girls aged 15 - 24.

The Wall Street Journal followed up with an article by author Ayelet Waldman offering the flip side of parenting, In Defense of the Guilty, Ambivalent, Preoccupied Western Mom. Waldman highlights the value of letting children find their own way as they learn from their failures as well as their successes.

As moms, we all try to do the best we can, knowing that each child requires something different from us and there is not one right way to parent all children. Given those caveats, where do you weigh in on this battle between "tiger mothers"and "western moms"? Let's hear what you think about these very different parenting styles.

Here are some questions to consider: How do you describe your own mothering style? What's worked for you and your children? How were you raised? What do you think about how your grown kids are parenting their children? Is it really a cultural difference between East and West or a difference in expectations? We'll consider these questions again next Wednesday as we take a second look at tiger mothers and western moms.

Be sure to join us this Wednesday as we host a virtual book tour with Dr. Gary Small, author, with his wife Gigi Vorgan, of The Naked Lady Who Stood on Her Head: A Psychiatrist's Stories of His Most Bizarre Cases. Dr. Small, director of the UCLA Memory and Aging Center and professor of psychiatry at UCLA's David Geffen School of Medicine will answer our questions and be open to yours as well.

"'Diving Duck Blues'" - Part 1 - Thelma's Daughter

A. R. Taylor is an award-winning playwright, essayist, and writer of fiction. We're serializing one of Anne's stories, originally published in the Berkeley Insider, all this week. "'The Diving Duck Blues'" involves the agony a mother feels at the great distance between herself and her daughter. Knowing full well that she has failed her child, Thelma still tries to understand her world, and to some extent, fit in. Ultimately, she can't, but she can still love her.

"'Diving Duck Blues'"

“If the river were whiskey, babe,
and I was a diving duck,
I'd dive on that bottom,
Baby - and I'd never come up.”
Sleepy John Estes

Thelma Ryan looked down at the red and white racing ticket and then tore it up. Outside Rafe and Ginny were talking on the swing. They were happy - they had had two winners and an exacta. Thelma's luck had been bad lately, probably because the moon was in Scorpio, she thought, as she looked down at the elaborately printed invitation perched next to the African violets over the sink.

"An Evening of Poetic License." She stared at it, gloomily.
"Come on out here, Thelma," Rafe yelled, "We're doing the Pick Six."

Thelma took a sip from a glass of scotch she had nearby, and sat down at the kitchen table. She held the invitation in her hand, wondering how she could possibly go to this event, not even really sure what the event was. Someone was reading poetry, and her daughter would be there, probably be in charge or something like that. She took another sip of scotch. Thelma and her husband, Frank, had been sipping whiskey for thirty years, maintaining, as it were, a fairly constant level of happiness. How much did her daughter know about her drinking, Thelma wondered.

"Ginny likes Prince Hardcastle in the eighth, Thelma," Rafe yelled again. Rafe was a handsome black man, about sixty, with very few teeth. Thelma and Ginny met him at Golden Gate Fields when he gave them a seventy-to-one shot that came in. Since they had had no big win in eight months, this made for a serious friendship.

"It's 'Slugfest,' I'm telling you," she yelled back. "The crap it is," Ginny yelled again. Ginny was a woman of few words, vivid dress, and intense dreams. Thelma wandered out to the swing and sat next to Rafe, who was completely absorbed in the racing form. It was a cool, sweet smelling day, the kind that made Thelma glad her fifty-two years had been spent in northern California.

"I don't know what to do," Thelma muttered. "Who does, Honey?" Ginny laughed.

She handed the thick white note to Ginny, who looked at it suspiciously, turning it around several times. "What the hell is it?"

Thelma suddenly felt too close to the edge of her drinking to explain, but then she focused her eyes on a dirty, almost mashed tennis ball lying in the grass. Joanna played tennis. She had given her daughter her first tennis racket, even though the steady "pock, plop" of the game put Thelma to sleep.

"Somebody's reading poetry, maybe a poet or somebody, or people like Joanna."

"Does Joanna write poetry?"

"I think she just reads it, or I don't--" Thelma drifted off. She did not quite know what Joanna did, studied a lot, that she knew, but about what, why and all, she just could not figure out. Some have their nose in a book, others in a bottle, she thought, not without a hint of laughter.

Thelma's drinking career had been long and steady. It had risen to a crescendo when her husband Frank died, and had now tapered off to about a fifth a day. She and Frank had been drinking buddies and had always managed to get each other home. Thelma never felt any real pressure to stop, although the night she sent the Plymouth into a ditch, called the tow truck, arrived home, whispering to the driver to keep quiet because Joanna was asleep, and managed to have not a single memory of the entire event (Frank told her about it)- all of this made her feel that she should cut down, if only a bit.

Thelma thought of herself as an artist of something she called the "buzz maintain." Whiskey just kept that little hum going that made the world spin at a slightly lower speed.

And she knew exactly where the line was that separated mere fuzziness and generalized good will from complete screaming wildness and blackout. Once in a while she went over that edge just to scare herself.

She wondered now if Joanna had known that at all those school plays, those ghastly talent shows, those award nights when the fat Spanish teacher would begin with "Buenas noches, everybody," Thelma was bombed. Unfortunately Joanna was sure to walk away with two or three awards, invariably presented at the end of the evening, after a horrendously painful list of Tommy's and Joey's and Kimberley's and Tara's, all of whose parents were dutifully present and sober, at least according to Thelma's glazed appraisal of the situation.

"At least I was there," she said out loud.

"Where?" Ginny muttered, now circling choices on her card.

"That 'Easy Easy' in the fourth, I've lost so much friggin' money on that asshole, he should be runnin' claiming races at the County Fair," Rafe declared. "Strictly glue factory material."

"Why do you bet him all the time, then, genius?” Ginny said as she inhaled her cigarette dramatically,

"I don't know, I keep thinkin', this time, baby, this time, but then I know that he'll be standin' in the gate, lookin' around sayin' 'A race, what race, I just want to stand here and fart.'"

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2.

Put Yourself in His Shoes

Here are some things to keep in mind as you welcome a new son-in-law into your family.

Move slowly into the role of mother-in-law, remembering that your daughter’s spouse arrives with his own issues, unique temperament and family rituals. Learn more about him and his family rather than expecting him to blend into yours. Remember that family loyalty goes both ways.

Imagine the situation from your son-in-law’s perspective. Recognize that he wants to build and strengthen his new family unit. Doris is trying to let go of her need to continue such a tight relationship with her daughter. “I know she is bonding with her husband, so I don’t snoop or ask too many questions. As an only child I don’t like to go halves with anything, so it’s hard for me to share my precious daughter. But I know that her husband has to be the focus for her now.”

Respect your daughter’s choice and learn to love her life partner. By focusing on how happy your daughter is and on your son-in-law’s positive qualities, you’ll be building on the mutual good feelings. This can serve as an emotional savings account you can draw on later when other situations lead to tension between you.

Hold back on your opinions, advice and constructive criticism, at least until there is more trust in the relationship. This can be a challenge, as Nancy found: “I’m very careful about what I say, so I don’t think my son-in-law knows that I'm holding back. We get along fine on the surface but I hope that some day we can deal with deeper issues.”

Clicking on the title today will take you to our article, Point of View: The Male Boomer and Long-term Relationships, which gives you some insight about what men are thinking. See if you can take any tips from these husbands that will help you understand your son-in-law a little better.

Like Governor Sarah Palin and Dr. Jill Biden, 44-year old Michelle Obama has pursued a fulltime career while raising her two young daughters. After completing her Ivy League education - undergraduate at Princeton University and a law degree from Harvard University - she was working at a prestigious Chicago law firm when she met Barack Obama, who came to work for the firm as a summer associate. After marrying, she continued working, using her legal background, in Chicago political and community activities.

Once her husband began running in the primaries, Michelle combined mothering with appearing on the campaign trail. In her appearances, Michelle has been outspoken in her opinions and beliefs, sometimes making controversial statements, such as "For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback." As the campaign has progressed, she has softened her image from the initial, angry positions she took, portraying herself as the embodiment of the American dream.

Do you feel that, as a woman, you are asked to curb the expression of your own opinions when others perceive them as too harsh? Are you forced, in a sense, to air brush your personality, making it gentler? Is it more important to fulfill the expectations of others or to be your authentic self? All of these questions come to the surface as more and more women move up the career ladder or take on more responsibilities in the family and the world.