Get Ready to Refresh Your Marriage

If you’re new to this blog, scroll down to Monday and read the post about how to make a good marriage better. There you’ll find practical tips and links to get you off to a good start. And below are a few more ideas that may help:

Ask for what you need. No one’s a mind reader. Sometimes, out of frustration or resentment, couples stop talking. Recommit to understanding each other’s anger or disappointment. If you meet halfway, you’ll both get more of what you want.

Invest in your own happiness. It will relieve pressure and your partner won’t have to be a major source of your wellbeing. By taking action in your own life, you'll feel more confident, have a better attitude, be more interesting and your relationship will reap the dividends.

Express your gratitude often. Compliments serve as positive reinforcement at the very times when you may be taking each other for granted. If you find yourself distancing, try to see your partner in a different light. Purposely look for qualities you love in each other. And when you’re thinking something positive, say it out loud.

Only you know what it’ll take to make you feel more fulfilled. Communicate it directly yet be flexible as you make your way through differences and disagreements. A shift in the dynamics can result from something as simple as a weekly date night or training together for a marathon. And being satisfied with small changes will bring more pleasure and greater intimacy into your relationship.

Stock Market Roller Coaster and Domestic Violence

Across the United States, in Greece, Europe and all around the world, the effects of the financial crisis continue to spread – stock markets are erratic, foreclosures are still widespread, banks are being taken over, credit is frozen and bankruptcies are increasing. No one can predict with certainty the long-term effects on the economy, but most pundits agree that this collapse will not right itself in the near future.

How is all this affecting you and your loved ones? Are you all anxious and angry - on the verge of taking out your frustration over the financial news on each other? Although Domestic Violence Awareness Month is just over, this remains a good time for your family to look inward and reflect on your actions. Only by becoming aware of the potential for abuse can you honestly assess behavior.

While a number of factors have been recognized as causes of domestic violence – mental illness, substance abuse, certain innate personality traits, low self-esteem, poor impulse control and a history of being battered - social stressors have been identified as having a particularly strong impact on abusers. Poverty, lack of control and feelings of powerlessness can lead to the perpetrator's perceived need to dominate family members. And this is linked to increased levels of mistreatment. During the current plummet of world markets, those who abuse are more likely to express their feelings of frustration in more belligerent ways.

Many people who are normally calm are stressed by the financial meltdown and concerned that they are spiraling out of control. If this sounds familiar, you could be at risk emotionally and physically. If you are worried about a hostile attitude and aggressive behavior, begin by following these suggestions:

1. Insist your partner participate in individual therapy as well as relationship counseling. The therapy should focus on anger management, cognitive behavioral change, insight, skill building, communication, stress reduction and control strategies.

2. Get help from friends and family. Talk about your concerns, educating them about domestic violence. Let them know what you need from them and how to recognize if you are in immediate danger. Devise code words to alert them if you need help.

3. Prepare to take care of yourself - emotionally, financially and physically. Find a therapist who will help you develop self-confidence and the life skills you may need to go solo. Take charge of your personal finances, open your own bank account, find a job if you are not already employed.

4. Have an exit strategy and plan what to do if and when you leave the relationship. Investigate the national domestic violence hotline, available community resources and learn about shelters in your area. Have copies of documents you may need as well as extra clothes and cash; leave them with a friend or neighbor so you can retrieve them later.

5. Immediately let someone in authority know about the abuse, if it occurs. Have the phone number of the local police station available - and you can always call 911. If the violence is directed to your children or the elderly, know how to contact the agencies dealing with child welfare and elder abuse.

As we move through these difficult financial times, the stresses we face are great. Emotions are likely to be close to the surface as uncertainty about the state of our economy continues. Be aware of any potential for domestic abuse in your family and learn how to protect yourself and your loved ones from the painful trauma caused by violence.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Lost in headlines about presidential electioneering and the roller coaster stock market is the news that October is designated to raise awareness of domestic violence. The irony is that financial shock waves may increase the prevalence of abuse. The economic turmoil will undoubtedly lead to greater fears, pressure and anxiety within families facing financial collapse - and that stress can lead to battering.

The Centers for Disease Control believes that 10% of the population is affected by domestic abuse, although it is estimated that only one-third of these cases are actually reported. It is the most common cause of injury for women ages 15 to 44 who suffer physical as well as emotional injury, such as depression, anxiety and social isolation.

domestic violence, a photo by speak.india on Flickr.

Why do women remain in abusive relationships? Frequently, the reason is fear - they've been brainwashed by the perpetrator, convinced that they are helpless and cannot cope alone. Or they're afraid that the abusive partner will harm them or the children if they attempt to leave. Some victims incorrectly believe they are responsible - that they have caused the abuse or it is up to them to stay and keep the family together. Denial as a defense mechanism can remain strong: victims may not see themselves as battered and don't believe the perpetrator will continue the abuse.

If you're afraid of your partner's anger and how he/she treats you, your children or elders under your care, your first responsibility is to protect yourself and loved ones from harm. Resolve to begin the tough process of freeing yourself even if you feel trapped and so deeply entrenched in the dysfunctional relationship that it seems you'll never break away. Visit our blog again on Wednesday as we give you some steps to start the process of protecting yourself.

Virtual Book Tour with Anne Kreamer

Readers, we're delighted you're here at our Virtual Book Tour and we give a hearty welcome to author Anne Kreamer. We first featured Anne and her book, Going Gray, in 2007. We think that you'll find what she has to say about her new and thought provoking book, It's Always Personal, very interesting. So let's get started:

Nourishing Relationships:
What motivated you to initiate the investigation to do this book and is there a personal story behind your desire to do this project?

Anne Kreamer:
My interest in the subject of emotion in the workplace crept up on me, starting from a very personal point of view, then growing in gradual concentric circles to include statistical research and neuroscience. A few years ago I was chatting with my former colleague, Sara Levinson, who has been a top executive within both deeply male (MTV, the NFL) and deeply female (Club Mom, the women’s group at Rodale publishing) professional environments. She asked me a funny question: Did I know any woman who had never cried at work? While I’d obviously never conducted a crying-on-the-job poll of my friends, I realized that no, I probably didn’t. And certainly I had cried, years earlier, when I was a senior vice president at Viacom’s Nickelodeon, the children’s network, and my uber-boss, Sumner Redstone, called me for the first time -- and screamed at me.

With that one cocktail-party question, I set off on a two-year journey exploring emotion -- negative emotions, positive emotions, all emotions -- in the modern workplace. The timing of Sara’s question was also interesting. It came during the recession in America which led to the tectonic plate-shifting fact that women were the majority of the workforce for the first time in history. Secondly, developments in the field of neuroscience meant that also for the first time in history we had the ability to observe living, working brains in action. Those two major new facts led me to wonder if this moment presented a unique opportunity to reassess traditional emotional workplace norms.

N R:
What are the main differences you noticed between men and women in the work place?

A K:
There is not one easy answer to this question -- in fact, the answer to this is woven throughout my book and involves both inherent neurobiological as well as socially conditioned differences. But I’ll try and address a few differences.

When equal employment laws were passed in the United States during the 1960s, men overwhelmingly controlled the style and protocols of the workplace, which de facto meant that equality for women meant that they had to adapt and adopt male standards for professional behavior – and really the blandest versions of male behavior at that. As they entered the workforce and for most of the almost half century since, women have been instructed to “man up” and “whatever you do, don’t let them see you cry.” To be successful, many women had to deny and suppress distinctly female parts of themselves -- their nurturing impulses, their essential femininity and, as I discovered, aspects of their intrinsic biology. So right off the bat the rules for women were different because women in significant ways weren't permitted to be themselves.

Let’s look an anger, for instance. In 2007, Victoria Brescoll, who teaches at the Yale School of Management, conducted three studies in which people watched videos of male and female actors pretending to apply for jobs, and sometimes showing anger. Whether the angry female in the experiments was described as a trainee or an executive, both men and women rated the angry woman lower than a comparable man if she showed anger. Additionally, the women’s anger was blamed on her -- “she is an angry person,” “she is out of control” -- whereas men’s emotional reactions were ascribed to some external factor that seemed to justify anger -- “the work was shoddy” or “the report sucked.” In real life angry women at work cry, with tears and blubbering as the unintended, rechanneled byproducts of anger.

One of the fascinating things I discovered through two national polls I conducted, and which academic research corroborates, is that women consider people who cry at work “unstable,” which sounds like a chronic and serious character flaw… whereas men see crying at work as at worst “unprofessional” behavior, more suggestive of a forgivable circumstantial lapse. Men in our survey said that after crying their minds felt sharper, the future brighter, and they felt more physically relaxed and “in control” than before the incident. Women? Women felt the exact opposite.

N R:
Are the reasons why people cry, or explode emotionally, at work mainly due to situations experienced in the office or events in their personal lives that are carried to the work place? Of this two, which one is more "frowned upon"?

A K:
I don’t think there is one that is more “frowned upon.” What I do think is that we are very, very confused about the boundaries between the two realms. In the old days -- pre-Internet, pre-cell phones -- it was a lot easier to believe that work = rational and home = emotional. But now that work and home life bleed into each other constantly, that distinction has become anachronistic and probably self-defeating. People text and e-mail their friends and family members throughout the workday, and they receive messages from colleagues and clients on nights and weekends and during vacations.

The membranes between private life and work, especially office work, have always been porous, but today employers and employees expect accessibility and accountability pretty much round-the-clock. And whereas old-school office memos and business letters generally weren’t expected to be friendly or candid -- that is, human -- business e-mails most definitely are.

Conversely, what used to be considered private behavior can instantly reverberate at work through social networking. People fire off e-mails late at night only to regret their tone and intent in the cold light of day. Facebook friends from work can stumble on wild-and-crazy pictures from a bachelorette party. Tweets and anonymous mobile video uploads can instantly broadcast unflattering emotional displays by surly customer service employees or misbehaving CEOs.

The conventional wisdom used to be that we brought home the emotions we were unable to express while at work - snapping (or worse) at unsuspecting partners and children. Which is as true as ever. What’s new is that home life — with all its messy, complicated emotional currents, has become inextricably and undeniably woven into the workplace.

N R:
Your study suggests that men cry more than we’d assumed in the workplace; could you explain that in depth?

A K:
I think the conventional wisdom was that men simply didn’t cry in the workplace. That 9% of American men admitted that they did struck me as significant – and with men like John Boehner, the Republican Speaker of the House, or Mitch McConnell, the Republican leader for the U. S. Senate, crying visibly and frequently in public, it strikes me that we’ve reached a turning point in our culture where it is acceptable for men to express emotion. In fact, research reveals that those who “lead from the heart” are viewed as more trustworthy.

N R:
Is crying a good therapy to release stress and maintain productive?

A K:
Tears are nature’s natural emotional reset valve. Tears are not an emotion, but rather are our bodies way to express that an individual has experienced an intense emotion. Psychic tears (as opposed to irritant tears, the kind we release when cutting an onion) happen in response to strong experiences – of joy, sadness, anger, anxiety, fear. Tears help us release hormones that flood our bodies during those times of intense feeling and help us re-establish our baseline equilibrium. Tears also increase our dopamine production, thereby helping to return our bodies to equilibrium – and they are also something akin to the warning lights on our car dashboards. You should pay attention to them – they are a signal communicating that something may be not quite right under the hood. There are many, many different kinds of tears – those of happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, pain, and joy and it’s important, as with warning lights on the dashboard, to figure out which kind you are experiencing and then understand what they are telling you – are you overwhelmed, underappreciated, angry? Then figure out how you want to address those issues. In the book I offer a variety of strategies for how one can do that.

N R:
Why do women feel so guilty after crying after an incident at work while men don’t?

A K:
Once again this is really complicated and I believe social conditioning is one of the primary reasons women feel ashamed after crying at work. And social conditioning fails to take into consideration basic biological differences between the genders. Women produce 6 times the amount of prolactin that men do and prolactin is the hormone that causes tear production. Women also have smaller tear ducts, that’s right, they are anatomically different from men’s so that when women do cry, tears most often will stream down their face, whereas men’s ears merely “tear up.” I think if we were all more educated about our neurobiology, women would feel less regret after crying – acknowledging their tears for the biological impulse, like breathing or a muscle reflex, that they are.

N R:
What are the different personality types you recognized in an ordinary office?

A K:
Based on the responses to over 1,000 regular working Americans in all 50 states, we identified four different primary types of emotion styles. I’ve named these Spouters, Accepters, Believers, and Solvers. Women and men were equally represented in all four groups. There were minimal differences among the four types between income and management levels which means that there is no one “right” type to be. If your reader’s would like to take a very simplified version of the survey they may do so here.

NR:
Can you give us a few tips for controlling our emotions in the work place?

A K:
I offer lots of what I call “emotion management toolkit” suggestions in the book, but if I had to select just one it would be to get outside and walk. If I’m walking in a city, the rich diversity of shops, people or street smells wafting out of restaurants stimulates me in ways that connect interesting new creative dots for me and if I’m walking in nature the rich loaminess of the soil, the chittering birds, frogs and insects calm me and connect me to my spiritual side. I find if I’m cranky or anxious, just walking out my door almost always lifts my mood. Changing perspective helps change your brain chemistry.

Thanks, Anne, for insight into your work and such thorough responses. Now, readers, it's your turn to share your thoughts and ask Anne your questions. Just click on 'comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'anonymous' - it's as easy as that. And if you want to learn more about Anne and her books, spend some time on her website.

National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Thriving after any serious illness is complicated and sometimes feels like an uphill struggle. Today's coping tips can help you support yourself - emotionally and physically - along the difficult course of dealing with beast cancer and its treatments.

As you move through this process, you find that staying informed and involved at each step gives a sense of power and resiliency. The National Cancer Institute, a part of NIH, has a wide range of materials to make this job easier. And here are some more tips to help you take charge of your life:

Accept your changing emotions as normal and give yourself permission to express them. After a brush with cancer, it is normal to feel many different emotions such as anger, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, stress or loss of control. It's OK to express these to people you trust and acknowledge them to yourself. Only then can you begin to cope with them.

Recognize the changes in your body. You may feel that your body has betrayed you, leaving you feeling vulnerable and with a loss of innocence about your own invincibility. You may need to grieve this loss. In addition, you may be experiencing side effects of the treatment such as fatigue, stiffness, lymphedema, weight gain, as well as menopausal symptoms. Once you clarify how your body is reacting, you can address each of the symptoms and alleviate them.

Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Follow the guidelines of the American Cancer Society and set aside time for you. Begin an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really like to do and do it. Of course this is easier to say than it may be to do, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

Take credit for the challenge you have faced and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in your process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work you have completed to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned about yourself and made changes in the way you think, feel, act and react to yourself, others and the situation around you.

We celebrate your survival with you! You reflect the unity of women who are surviving breast cancer - and the men who love you.

Virtual Book Tour with Gayle Forman

Today we're delighted to welcome journalist and author, Gayle Forman, to our Virtual Book Tour. In full disclosure, at one time I carpooled Gayle to school with my kids. I think you'll find her as engaing now as I did then:

Nourishing Relationships: Young-adult books like yours seem to be gaining a much wider readership than just young adults - what is the appeal?

Gayle Forman: A book is a book is a book and a good book is a good book. It's a golden time right now for YA books, and I think the popularity of novels like The Hunger Games or Twilight have showed moms the appeal of these books not just for their daughters but for themselves. There's something about the teenage years. They're a time of firsts—first love, first heartbreak, first time leaving home, first time making big decisions—which is why they're such fertile ground for authors but also why the books resonate for both teenagers and for anyone who has been a teenager.

NR: What kind of messages can mothers and daughters glean from "If I Stay" and "Where She Went?"

GF: I think readers of different ages take away different things from the books. With "If I Stay," young readers often email me to tell me that they appreciate their lives anew after finishing the book. That they've gone to give their parents a hug, or that they've stopped feeling sorry for themselves because they know now that life is so fleeting. Older readers, particularly those who have endured loss, I think, really connect with Mia's sense of loss of her family and find some catharsis there. Similarly, in "Where She Went," I think younger readers are swept up in Adam's agony over losing Mia, in his anger, in the hope of a second chance. Older readers connect with that, too but again, the themes of loss, of surviving loss, of what it means to grieve—if you've been through something like that, you might read the book on a different level.

NR: "If I Stay" has become a popular mother-daughter book club pick. Why is that?

GF: I think it's for some of the reasons I mentioned above, that there is a takeaway for different generations. Also, unlike a lot of YA books, the parents (and grandparents) in "If I Stay" are really cool, so I think it's refreshing for adults to see a positive depiction of parents in books about younger people. But the major themes—memory, choice, music, living, dying, loving—are ones that all ages can talk about. I think as our daughters grow older, it can be harder to find common ground and sometimes books can provide an opening.

NR: How has raising your two children changed the way you write books?

GF: It's a funny question because I didn't quite realize how thoroughly the girls impacted my writing until I was deep into it. For one, I might never have started writing novels had I not had my first daughter. When she was a baby, I knew I didn't want to travel anymore as a journalist. That was how I backed into writing my first novel, "Sisters in Sanity." But it was really with "If I Stay" that I synthesized so many of my feelings about parenthood, about the sacrifices you make for your children without ever giving it a second thought. Though the book focuses on 17-year-old Mia, the story is also very much about her parents. Former punk rockers, they slowly evolve into 1950s-esque seeming Cleaver family types and the nature of this evolution, the reason her father in particular changes, is a big theme of the book. I didn't realize until after I finished that this whole section was really about sacrifice for your children and I never would've written this, or felt this, before having children.

NR: Do you have no-go zones?

GF: No. When I was writing "If I Stay," at one point I wondered if it was too heavy or too philosophical for YA but I didn't change anything. If my characters curse in my head, they curse on the page. I realize that puts off some readers but I grew up in home where we cursed like sailors but also did volunteer work, so cursing and morality were never remotely related. But I do think very much about the morals I'm putting on the page, how I would feel as a parent if my girls at 17 did the things that the girls I'm writing about are doing. Would I be okay with my 17-year-old in an intimate relationship with a boy she was in love with and monogamous with? Would I be okay with her not going to the college of her dreams to be close to the boy she loved? These are the questions I ask myself and they guide the decisions my characters make.

Thanks Gayle, for giving us insight into your work and the teen psyche. Now, readers, you have a chance to share your thoughts and ask Gaye questions. Just click on 'comments' below this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'anonymous,' it's as easy as that. If you want to experience firsthand how smart and funny Gayle is, and her commitment to teenagers, spend some time on her blog.

Toning Down Your Fights

Here we are again in March, which has the reputation of coming in like a lion, out like a lamb.


Do these changes in the tone of the weather mirror the shifting atmosphere of your relationships?

Images: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Everyone has fights sometimes but have you been wondering how you can switch your relationship squabbles from turbulent to sunny in the same way March does? Whether you're dealing with a significant other, your child, parent, in-law, friend or colleague at work, here are some tips for toning down the rhetoric and creating your own calm in the storm:

Commit to working toward change. Decide to let go of old hurt feelings and instead focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. When you find yourselves fighting the same battles again and again, determine to finally resolve them or agree to put them away with the understanding that you'll accept your differences of opinion.

Let go of your anger. Step back and take a deep breath - several actually. Leave the conversation for a while and find a healthy outlet for your negative physical energy - go for a jog, yell in the shower, hit a pillow, call a friend. When you remove yourself and deal with your anger, you can come back to the disagreement later when you both have calmed down. For some ideas about how sandwiched boomers can develop this approach, check out a past blog post.

Listen, really listen. Develop the skill of active listening - paying attention to what your partner is saying without distracting yourself by planning a response. Ask empathic questions and work to understand his position, feelings and needs, even if you don't agree with them. Conflict resolution techniques can work among family members as well as they do in business and international relations.

Fight fair, even as you keep your communication open and honest. Keep your messages on topic and avoid name-calling and criticisms about character traits and past actions. Focus on talking about behaviors and issues that can be modified. Let your partner know about how you react to his or her actions without putting a value judgment on them. For more tips about improved and effective communication, re-read our post about limiting your arguments.

Be willing to take some responsibility. As you acknowledge your part in the turmoil and begin to see your partner's perspective, it's easier to find the means to compromise and cooperate. Learn some of these practical strategies we offered to new bride Chelsea Clinton and her groom, Marc Mezvinsky, on a past blog post.

Insert some positives into the equation. Give compliments for positive behaviors you want to reinforce. Forgive your partner for mistakes made and offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong. Shared humor can ease the strain of hostility and help forge a new sense of connection.

If your husband has been the main source of tension in your marriage, our virtual book tour with Jed Diamond about his book Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationships from the Irritable Male Syndrome can give you some additional suggestions about how you can dilute the anger and start enjoying each other again.

As you know so well, your relationship with your mother - or daughter - isn't immune to a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows either. As a matter of fact, it's often the closest emotional connection a woman has in her life. But close doesn't always mean easy. When you want some more insight into how to pull back a little, click on our virtual book tour with Susan Shaffer and Linda Gordon, authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship.

And here on the blog we also hosted a virtual book tour with Dr. Susan Lieberman, author of The Mother-In-Law’s Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children. So if you're searching for more ideas about how to smooth over the friction between you and your daughter-in-law, you'll get some helpful advice from her.

You'll find more tools for developing successful relationships when you search our blog. Let us know what works for you - and remember spring is just a few weeks away.

Improving Your Relationship for Valentine's Day

With research statistics still indicating that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce, you can beat the odds by resolving this Valentine's Day to work on improving your marriage.
Photo by Clare Bloomfield / Freedigitalphotos.net

Instead of letting your arguments spiral out of control, vow to use fair fighting techniques and put your differences behind you before you go to bed at night. Here are some tips to get you started:

Believe in your ability to change as a couple. When you make a pact to let go of old hurt feelings, you can focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. Trust that your love runs deep enough to support the work of strengthening it.

Focus on specific behaviors you would like your partner to change. Identify and prioritize particular actions that upset you and calmly talk about these. Be realistic about the ones you choose - focus on behaviors that your partner is able and willing to change.

Don't get stuck in past arguments. Agree not to fight the same battles over and over again. Either try to resolve them once and for all or agree to disagree. When you do, you can let go of your anger and begin the process of forgiveness.

Keep your communication open and honest. And be willing to cooperate and compromise about issues where you disagree. When you are able to deal with your anger and forgive your partner for mistakes he has made, you can both grow from the experience. And you'll feel better if you offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong.

Give compliments freely. Sometimes it seems easier to criticize and complain than to praise and acknowledge positive behavior. Instead, be more attentive to the actions you want to reinforce. When you are thinking something nice, say it out loud to your partner.

Invest in your partnership. Make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. The efforts that you put into growing and developing it will be returned in multiples. Use each other for support as you are going through the myriad challenges of life.

Create greater intimacy with your partner and keep up the romance. Remind each other why you fell in love. Set aside time to be together and focus on each other. Be free with your affection and warmth. Tap into your sensuality and find new ways of exploring and expressing your sexual relationship together.

Plan some exciting adventures to bring back the feelings of exhilaration you felt when you first feel in love. You can discover new activities you both like to do - take a class, travel, go on an outing. The thrill of a new discovery can release dopamine and bring more pleasure into your relationship, encouraging real intimacy between you.

Studies have shown that for couples in love there are surges in dopamine, the chemical of pleasure, and in oxytocin, the hormone of bonding. These encourage further closeness and provide the benefits of reducing stress, creating calm, suppressing pain and producing better immune functioning. Researchers have estimated that in about one-third of long-term marriages, couples have the same kind of brain responses to each other as do newly in love couples. So whether you've been together for years or are newly falling in love, enjoy the feelings of closeness and have a happy Valentine's Day.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Worldwide, every year over 1 million women are diagnosed with breast cancer. Other than skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common one facing American women today. The likelihood is that 1 in 8 women in America will cope with this disease during her lifetime. In October, designated as National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, women are especially focused on early detection and improving the management of breast cancer, should it be diagnosed.

With mammography, MRI and physical exams leading to early detection, most breast cancers can be successfully treated today. The specific treatment can be worked out between you and your physicians, taking into account the tumor details. This year, an online word of mouth campaign, Until Every Woman Knows, has been started to raise awareness of a test that can help guide these treatment decisions.

With improved therapies, there are between 2 and 3 million American women living today who have survived breast cancer. As breast cancer survivors have learned, coping with any serious illness can take a toll on you - emotionally as well as physically. Here are some tips to help manage your recovery so that you can move forward with your life.

Accept your changing emotions as normal and give yourself permission to express them. After a brush with cancer, it is normal to feel many different emotions such as anger, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, stress or loss of control. It's OK to express these to people you trust and acknowledge them to yourself. Only then can you begin to cope with them. For some ideas about how to develop better communication with a loved one when a serious illness like cancer intrudes, see an article on our website, Boomer Couples: Deepening Your Conversations about Serious Illness.

Recognize the changes in your body. You may feel that your body has betrayed you, leaving you feeling vulnerable and with a loss of innocence about your own invincibility. You will need to grieve this loss. In addition, you may be experiencing side effects of the treatment such as fatigue, stiffness, lymphedema, weight gain, as well as menopausal symptoms. Once you clarify for yourself how your body is reacting, you can address each of the symptoms in your efforts to alleviate them.

Draw upon others for support. Your family and friends can provide a network of comfort, encouragement and assistance. You may also want to join a breast cancer support group, either in person or on-line. Support is helpful in several ways - it gives you someone to listen to you when you need to express yourself, someone to give you information and feedback, someone to help you with practical matters such as an errand that needs to be done. Support will be there for you if you look for it. It may feel awkward at first to ask for help, but you'll find friends want to do what they can for you.

You'll find more about the value of support on our website, Her Mentor Center.

So don't let anything get in the way of becoming aware of breast cancer and taking care of yourself if you need to deal with it. Join us again on Wednesday when we'll be offering more advice about living with a diagnosis of breast cancer. And for inspirational stories and tips about coping with significant stress, sign up for our newsletter, Stepping Stones, and receive a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Conflict Resolution for Boomer Couples

Don't you already know there is no perfect relationship? All couples get angry and argue, so you're not alone. But remember, when resolving conflict, keep your words sweet - you may have to eat them. Your arguments may not have as much fallout if you and your partner accumulate positive reserve in your emotional bank account - that is, the more positive interactions and feelings, the less damage.

Agree to stop arguing and postpone a difficult conversation until you're both feeling less upset. Decide, together, to step away and put distance between you and the situation. Take a break and wait until you both are settled enough to listen to each other.

While you're unwinding, think more constructively - for example, his anger isn’t all about me; we really do love each other; she's under a lot of pressure at work; this too shall pass; I'm upset now but I know we’re right for each other.

Throw yourself into an activity that gives you immediate release and stay there for a while - call a friend and let off steam, take a long run in the park, put on earphones and listen to music that stirs your soul.

Distraction can be powerful, no matter what form it takes. Be playful and try humor or turn the controversy into a debate. Using adaptive defenses can lead to deeper and more meaningful conversations.

Practicing these strategies can make a difference in the outcome of your disagreements. As Russian writer Leo Tolstoy said, "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility."

Are you an entrepreneur or small business owner? In honor of Effective Communication Month, you can pick up tools to help you communicate better with your customers, clients and prospects - even your spouse! Although you do have to opt-in to get the free gifts of your choice, check out this giveaway to see if it works for you.

And remember to log on tomorrow for our Virtual Book Tour with Dr. Jed Diamond and his new book, "Mr. Mean." Come prepared with questions about the problems in your relationship - you'll receive smart and practical solutions from Jed.

Achieving Harmony on Valentine's Day

With research statistics still indicating that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce, you can resolve this Valentine's Day to work on improving your marriage. Instead of letting your arguments spiral out of control, vow to use fair fighting techniques and put your differences behind you before you go to bed at night. Here are some tips to get you started:

Believe in your ability to change as a couple. When you make a pact to let go of old hurt feelings, you can focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. Trust that your love runs deep enough to support the work of strengthening it.

Focus on specific behaviors you would like your partner to change. Identify and prioritize particular actions that upset you and calmly talk about these. Be realistic about the ones you choose - focus on behaviors that your partner is able and willing to change.

Don't get stuck in past arguments. Agree not to fight the same battles over and over again. Either try to resolve them once and for all or agree to disagree. When you do, you can let go of your anger and begin the process of forgiveness.

If you want to learn more tips about fair fighting, click on the post title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, Boomer Couples: 5 Tips for Fighting Fair.

Aging Parents and the Masks We Wear

As members of the Sandwich Generation with parents aging rapidly, the transition you're facing may be one of role reversal. Are you taking on more responsibility for your folks as they are less able to care for themselves? Try to take a step back and assess what's going on for you emotionally:

1. Look deep inside and be honest with yourself. You may be in denial about your parents' decline and how that is affecting you. Evaluate your emotional state of mind. If you've been quiet, withdrawn or holding back, are you hiding feelings of sadness? Or if you're frustrated or angry, are you worried about handling all that you have to do? Consider what part of all this may not be in your best interests.

2. Stress can be a catalyst for negative behavior. Reduce the pressures you feel about your parents' situation by getting help from a geriatric care manager or other family members. Honor your body by paying attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Actually schedule some relaxation into your daily routine until it becomes second nature. Remember about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else in the airplane? If you don't take care of your own wellbeing, you won't be able to be there for your parents.

Let us hear from you about some of the issues you're facing with your aging parents. You can click on the title of this post to read an article about how to deal with your parents' tarnished golden years.

NBCAM and Living with Breast Cancer

As breast cancer survivors have learned, coping with any serious illness can take a toll on you - emotionally as well as physically. This week, we'll be giving you some tips each day on how to manage your recovery so that you can move forward with your life. We begin today with acknowledging where you are coming from.

Accept your changing emotions as normal and give yourself permission to express them. After a brush with cancer, it is normal to feel many different emotions such as anger, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, stress or loss of control. It's OK to express these to people you trust and acknowledge them to yourself. Only then can you begin to cope with them.

Recognize the changes in your body. You may feel that your body has betrayed you, leaving you feeling vulnerable and with a loss of innocence about your own invincibility. You will need to grieve this loss. In addition, you may be experiencing side effects of the treatment such as fatigue, stiffness, lymphedema, weight gain, as well as menopausal symptoms. Once you clarify for yourself how your body is reacting, you can address each of the symptoms in your efforts to alleviate them.

Tomorrow we'll look at more ways to take care of yourself if you ever need to deal with a diagnosis of cancer and treatment options. For tips about how to develop better communication with a loved one when serious illness intrudes, click on the post title above to take you to an article on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, Boomer Couples: Deepening Your Conversations about Serious Illness.

Today's pink ribbon is by Vanessa Rumaz and can be found on Carol Sutton's site, http://www.carolsutton.net/download_pink-ribbon.html. All week, we'll be featuring different pink ribbons created by talented women and men to increase public awareness about breast cancer and encourage research on this disease.

Michael Jackson: A Life of Fame and Pain

Michael Jackson was living proof of the emotional cost of a life spent in the public eye, often experiencing the psychological turmoil that can accompany global fame. He was fragile and, because of his sensitive nature, delicate personality or preexisting emotional problems, it was hard for him to handle the pressure and stress.



You may not have experienced the artistic stature or personal trials that Michael Jackson did - nor have a star dedicated to you on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. But the emotional turmoil you feel may be just as painful.

Give yourself an emotional break. Perhaps you've built up feelings of frustration, anger or disappointment, even despair. Take a deep breath and free yourself from negative thoughts. Although you can't necessarily change what happens to you, you can change how you handle it. Reframe pessimistic ideas into neutral or optimistic ones. By learning about constructive responses to difficult situations, you'll have access to more choices about how to react.

Want more tips on improving your frame of mind? Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article about How to Sing Rock and Roll instead of the Blues.

Take Stock of your Marriage

As Sandwiched Boomers with so much to do you probably spend a lot of time on automatic, going through the motions of your daily routine. When you don't deal directly with what's going on and how you feel about it, you may be surprised when you do notice. Here are some ways to 'take the temperature' of your marriage and start on the road to recovery:

Identify what you are feeling. As a first step, write down the emotions that now regularly surface. What is happening between you and your partner when you are feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed, embarrassed or frustrated? Chances are you have emotions ranging from disappointment to anger, and these are constantly changing. Don't worry - this is perfectly normal. But understanding what you feel and why can be the first step toward improving your situation.

Stop focusing on the past. Identify the hot button issues that are standing in your way and make efforts to resolve them. Your initiation of changes can be an encouraging sign to your partner. And the sooner you let go of the past, the quicker you can move forward to improve the goodwill in your relationship. It may not be easy to forgive, but it is a gift that you can give to both your partner and yourself.

Recover from Financial Panic by Investing in Yourself

The financial crisis has affected many people and involved losses on many levels –jobs, income, money in the stock market, a certain comfort level, retirement funds, a sense of security, dreams for the future. And, inevitably, these feelings of loss are accompanied by a period of grieving. Ever since Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross first identified the stages of mourning in her seminal book, “On Death and Dying,” bards, mental health experts and pundits have waxed philosophical about this process.

These stages are universal and can relate to any catastrophic personal loss. Kübler-Ross maintained that the steps do not necessarily come in any particular order, nor are all of them necessarily experienced by everyone. If you or your loved ones have lost money, trust or confidence, evaluate where you are in this process by the stages and comments below:

• Denial – “Others may be worried about money issues but this can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger – “Why me? I haven’t done anything to deserve this financial mess.”
• Bargaining – “I’ll do anything if you just help me secure my retirement account.”
• Depression – “I’m so discouraged, what’s the point in even trying to save?”
• Acceptance – “These problems are serious, so I might as well prepare for the long haul.”

Dr. Kubler-Ross describes the final stage of acceptance as generating the energy to reinvest in new objects. As you begin to recover from the economic upheaval, don’t you think you will be best served by investing in your own wellbeing?

Tune in all week as we give you some tips for taking care of yourself in this financial crisis. And to help you get started, click on the title above to take you to our article, Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia.

Just like the family car, no relationship runs smoothly all the time. More important than keeping a lid on emotions is learning how to deal with disagreements once they do surface. Here are some more tips for you Sandwiched Boomers as you tune up your marital relationship.

Deal with anger. Once you have expressed negative feelings, find a way to let go of the hostility. Resist holding on to resentment and avoid the emotional baggage of planning retribution. Learn to forgive your partner and to apologize for your own mistakes.

Build basic trust and loyalty. If you are devoted to one another and to your marriage, your behavior will reflect this deep commitment. Knowing that you are dedicated to the needs of each other gives you both the confidence to pursue your own goals out in the world.

A survivor of domestic violence commented that it was a very long and difficult process for her to get out of her abusive relationship. She relied on neighbors and her family but mostly on a women's shelter - where she went to live three different times during her tumultuous marriage. Finally breaking the cycle of domestic violence for herself, her advice is: "Get help. Leave. Leave in any way you can. Don’t go back. Period."





If you are afraid of your partner's anger and how he/she treats you, your children or elders under your care, your first responsibility is to protect yourself and loved ones from harm. Resolve to begin the tough process of freeing yourself. You may feel trapped and so deeply entrenched in the dysfunctional relationship that it seems you will never break away. You can make a start by taking the steps we will be presenting this week:

Insist that your partner participate in individual therapy as well as relationship counseling with you. The individual therapy should focus on areas such as anger management, cognitive behavioral change, insight, skill building, communication, stress reduction and control strategies.

Get help from friends and family members. Talk with them about your concerns and let them know what you need from them. Educate yourself and them about domestic violence. Tell them how to recognize that you or others may be in immediate danger and devise code words to inform them if you need help.

These are unprecedented times. From the breakdown of traditional financial institutions to the government's 700 million dollar bailout, Americans don't know how to respond. Some are in denial, not fully understanding the problems and consequences. Others are angry at what they see as a "bailout for the fat cats" and an award for recklessness on Wall Street. Still others feel panic about the gloomy economic forecast. These are all typical emotional reactions to loss. And for Sandwiched Boomers, many financially responsible for their children and aging parents, they see their dream of a comfortable retirement slipping away.

The new Pew Research Center's Social and Demographic Trends survey measured dissatisfaction and pessimism in close to 2500 participants. The data indicates that Baby Boomers worry more than any other generation. And a recent study from the University of Chicago suggests that the boomer generation has never really been happy. One hypothesis is that Boomers grew up wanting to make the world a better place -and it's not.

We will be discussing this topic on our blog posts all week. So weigh in. Let off steam - and share your concerns and ideas with our readers.