Virtual Book Tour with Dr. Erica Goodstone

We want to welcome Dr. Erica Goodstone to our Virtual Book Tour today - we know you'll enjoy our discussion about her book, Love Me, Touch Me, Heal Me: The Path to Physical, Emotional, Sexual and Spiritual Reawakening. So let's not waste any time getting started:

Nourishing Relationships: Why does Part I and your first book, Love Me…Please, focus so heavily on the power of love? Aren’t there really some good people, some good love partners, and some that are destructive and hurtful? Shouldn’t we just get rid of the “bad” partners and seek the “good” ones?

Erica Goodstone: The theory or premise behind my beliefs about the power of love developed from the writings and teachings of many different researchers and seminar leaders. First, my doctoral dissertation focused on the mother-infant bonding research of psychologist, Dr. Margaret Mahler. She observed mothers and infants during the first 3 years of life. When bonding was less than adequate, the child would develop separation anxiety, intense ambivalence and anxiety about merging or becoming close. These early anxieties would set the stage for lifelong relationship patterns unless recognized and consciously changed later in life. Next, was the wonderful writing of Ken Keyes, Jr. about letting go of resistance and learning how to begin “living love.” And I can still recall the comforting words of author, Leo Buscaglia, that we can live life without love but it is empty and dull and not full of adventure and surprises and delight.

Most of us tend to choose our most intimate partners because of an unconscious need to overcome our less than adequate childhood bonding with our earliest careteakers. We recognize signs in the eyes, tone of voice and body language of potential partners, signaling that this person could help us to relive and perhaps overcome our past anxieties and insecurities. Often we sense this without consciously realizing what it all means. We just feel an intense attraction. But then, if we continue into a long term committed relationship, those initial good feelings often give way to the opposite. We feel as if we are losing our sense of self and it looks as if it is the other person’s fault. This is the point where counseling and couples therapy can help each person and the couple to heal and finally become able to create true love and passion and joy together.

NR: In Part II and your second book, Touch Me … Please, why do you say “Your Body Believes You?” Our brain is our consciousness. Our body is just our body.

E G: Our brain contains neurons but the signals coming from the brain spread throughout our body. We have nerve endings almost everywhere. True, our body does not have a mind of its own. It responds to the commands we give it. Therefore, if we say that someone we know is a “pain in the neck.” Our neck hears that message and guess what? We may soon find we have a pain in that body part and we don’t know how that occurred.

Our emotions affect the tension in our muscles, the strength and flexibility of our tendons and ligaments, and even the overall posturing of our body. When we feel proud and confident, we stand with our head up, our shoulders back and our chest open. When we feel depressed or ashamed, our shoulders may slump and we drop our head or let our eyes glance downward. Be careful what you tell yourself because your body will respond.

NR: Why do you talk so much about touching and what is the benefit of all these different types of body therapies? Isn’t touch just a natural part of life and shouldn’t it be reserved only for our most intimate partners?

E G: Touch is powerful. Touch can soothe and nurture and heal. Touch can also hurt and harm and destroy. Our sense of self-worth, our ability to love, and our sexual desire and passion often hinges upon the way we touch and respond to touch. Loving touch assists us to release painful memories and to open our heart to others. Of course, it is wonderful when we can easily and regularly share loving, nurturing touch with those closest to us: our parents, our children, and our most intimate partner. But many of us have grown up in homes where touch was either sparse, absent or only used to cause punishment and pain. Without touch, our bodies often remain stuck in habitual tension patterns that affect our emotional states and the ways that we interact with others. When we receive some form of body therapy, from a skilled practitioner, the cells and tissues, muscles and nerves respond. Emotional memories may be released. We can more easily relax, alone or in the presence of others. Physical touch can literally touch our inner being, our spirit or our soul.

NR: In Part III and your third book, Heal Me … Please, you talk about your own healing experiences and ask the reader about theirs. Isn’t healing just a matter of luck or genetics?

E G: The true stories, with names and events altered to protect my clients’ privacy and anonymity, reveal the incredible healing potential of somatic or body-oriented psychotherapy. Combining gentle touch with body awareness, talk, visualization and memory, helps to shift habitual body tension patterns and reframe life events and prior circumstances. As you increase awareness and allow your mind to create new visions for your relationships and your life, it become easier to handle challenges and problems as they arise. As you learn to listen to your own body messages, you are more able to tell the truth to yourself. Gradually, it becomes safe to let go of old, familiar patterns that no longer serve you. As you allow yourself to be more authentic and vulnerable with friends and family and your most intimate partner, you also offer the other person permission to let down and be vulnerable with you. Love builds on that mutual open communication. And some of your chronic health conditions may begin to lessen and disappear as you build a stronger and more lasting mind-body connection.

NR: In Part IV and your fourth book, Sexual and Spiritual Reawakening, you ask the reader to review their own personal history as far back as when they were in their mother’s womb. What does that have to do with a current sexual problem between two people in a long term relationship now, 20, 30, maybe 50 years later?

E G: Age has nothing to do with it. Our childhood memories remain for a lifetime. Our bodies and our brains recall those happy, spirited, free flowing times as well as those moments of shame, embarrassment, humiliation, defeat and even abuse. Many of us develop a way of posturing, a body armoring, to keep us strong so that we do not have to think about the early painful times. But that armoring keeps us at a distance, not only from others, but also from our own inner knowing. As we explore our own earliest memories, conscious and even pre-verbal, we can begin to make sense of our current circumstances. We begin to understand why we have chosen a particular life partner and even why we may have chosen to remain single. We recall those times when our body and our mind felt free and exuberant and this gives us the impetus to find ways to return to that state. As we unravel our own past and focus on our own patterns within our relationships, we can much more easily forgive the transgressions of our friends and most intimate partner. Once we acknowledge our own part in creating any relationship, we are ready to build a new foundation of trust and love and authentic relating.

NR: How does spirituality affect relationships?

E G: Someone can appear “spiritual.” They can talk the talk but not actually be living according to what they say. A spiritual perspective implies an open-minded, forgiving and accepting outlook on life and relationships. There is a strong willingness to overlook flaws and past hurts, to face the present moment with strength, courage and integrity, and to believe in the power of love for oneself and for everyone else. Without a strong spiritual foundation, many relationships flounder and are torn apart by the vicissitudes of changing worldly conditions.There is a sense of overwhelming relief when we realize that this situation, this relationship, the healing of our body, and the creation of happiness and emotional well-being, is beyond our immediate control. When we can truly allow ourselves to “let go and let God,” we can endure and overcome life’s trials and tribulations with grace, confidence and peace of mind.

Thanks, Erica for sharing your theories, thoughts and wisdom. Learn more about Erica by logging on to her blog. You can contact her directly at her website and check out her new venture.

Now, readers, it's your turn to ask questions. Just click on 'Comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'Anonymous,' it's as easy as that.

Staying Warm on Valentine's Day

With record snow throughout much of America and cold winds blowing, it may be hard to stay warm. If you've got someone to cozy up to, you know that love alone does not guarantee the success of a close relationship. It also takes work, commitment and communication to build strong connections.

If the weather weren't enough, couples today are dealing with huge stresses of all sorts - fears of economic meltdown, actual job loss, threats to safety and security, concerns about retirement finances, and, for Sandwiched Boomers, issues arising from children growing up and aging parents growing older. Partners rely on each other to help buffer the impact of these stresses - and, hopefully, to make coping with them a little easier. Here are some tips that you and your partner can use - on Valentine's Day and throughout the year - to keep the fires of love burning bright.

Devote time and energy to your relationship. Make time for each other. It is well worth it - your efforts will come back to you many times over. Even if your days are filled with chores, let your date nights reflect romance, sensuality and affection.

Share with your partner what you love about him or her. Don't hesitate to give compliments when you think of them. Express the gratitude you feel at having your partner in your life. As you remember why you first fell in love, your feelings will grow even deeper and richer.

Focus on the positives in your relationship. Draw on your partner for support when you need it. Recognize that your mutual trust lets you enjoy being playful and sharing a laugh together. Your relationship can rejuvenate you when the stresses of the world outside weigh you down.

Remind yourselves of the commitment you made and the love you created. Plan date nights even when you don't have something special to celebrate. Draw on humor to lighten the mood. As you recall the joyous times you shared in the past, you will be forming new memories for your future together.

Do something unique this Valentine's Day. Studies of long-term relationships have found that couples who share novel experiences together actually increase their marital satisfaction and happiness. Why not begin by planning a brand new celebration of your love on February 14th this year?

Build new memories as you enjoy each other. Be playful and have fun together. Laugh and bring humor into your daily life. Plan some adventures - discover new activities you both like to do. All of these bring more pleasure into your relationship and encourage real intimacy between you.

Savor your special times together, whatever they are. When you give all of your attention to enjoying a positive time, you can build memories of these happy occasions and re-live them whenever you want.

A survey of women after last Valentine's Day found that 2/3 of them were disappointed in the way the day had turned out for them. Either their expectations were too high or the realities too low. In either case, why not talk with your partner before Valentine's Day and decide to do something different this year. You can make it a special day for you both, even if you are a Sandwiched Boomer coping with the stresses of growing children and aging parents.

Conflict Resolution for Boomer Couples

Don't you already know there is no perfect relationship? All couples get angry and argue, so you're not alone. But remember, when resolving conflict, keep your words sweet - you may have to eat them. Your arguments may not have as much fallout if you and your partner accumulate positive reserve in your emotional bank account - that is, the more positive interactions and feelings, the less damage.

Agree to stop arguing and postpone a difficult conversation until you're both feeling less upset. Decide, together, to step away and put distance between you and the situation. Take a break and wait until you both are settled enough to listen to each other.

While you're unwinding, think more constructively - for example, his anger isn’t all about me; we really do love each other; she's under a lot of pressure at work; this too shall pass; I'm upset now but I know we’re right for each other.

Throw yourself into an activity that gives you immediate release and stay there for a while - call a friend and let off steam, take a long run in the park, put on earphones and listen to music that stirs your soul.

Distraction can be powerful, no matter what form it takes. Be playful and try humor or turn the controversy into a debate. Using adaptive defenses can lead to deeper and more meaningful conversations.

Practicing these strategies can make a difference in the outcome of your disagreements. As Russian writer Leo Tolstoy said, "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility."

Are you an entrepreneur or small business owner? In honor of Effective Communication Month, you can pick up tools to help you communicate better with your customers, clients and prospects - even your spouse! Although you do have to opt-in to get the free gifts of your choice, check out this giveaway to see if it works for you.

And remember to log on tomorrow for our Virtual Book Tour with Dr. Jed Diamond and his new book, "Mr. Mean." Come prepared with questions about the problems in your relationship - you'll receive smart and practical solutions from Jed.

Women and Men Speak - But Who is Listening?

Do is sometimes feel that you're the unheard proverbial tree that falls in the forest? You're talking but no one is listening! A recent Associated Press poll of pet owners found that one-third of married women who own pets consider their pets to be better listeners than their husbands. And nearly one-fifth of husbands also believed their pets were more attentive than their spouses. What's going on here? Even after numerous books about getting your message across, it seems that men and women still need to learn more about how to talk with each other.

Good communication begins with understanding - yourself and your partner. With the divorce rate continuing to hover around 50%, the exchange of information between the sexes is worth the effort it takes from both partners. But since men and women tend to view communication differently, the process can be very difficult.

Women generally feel comfortable talking with their spouses about what is bothering them. But men often deal with stress by withdrawing and pulling away to think about - rather than talk about - their issues. This can lead to each making mistakes in the way they interpret the other's actions. A woman may believe that her husband isn't interested in looking at a problem he is facing while a man may think that his wife is overly complaining and that the problem is so bad it can't be fixed.

When you have a better understanding of your partner's motivation and behavior, you can begin to consider new ways of responding. Respect a man's need for distance while still letting him know that you are ready to start a dialogue whenever he is. Once that door is open, learning how to identify your feelings and ask each other for support may be the first steps in resolving the differences between you.

Tune in for our next post - we'll take a look at what you can learn from pets about being a good listener. And for more good tips about improving relationships with your family, visit our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com or sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, using the link to the left.

Creating Intimacy on Valentine's Day

Other than often sharing center stage on Valentine's Day, what do chocolate and sex have in common? Dopamine - it is released when each are experienced, producing a sense of pleasure. So today we let you in on some more tips for creating intimacy with your partner even if you're not a chocoholic.

Recreate the romance with your partner. Add some mystery to your usual evenings together. Being affectionate and playful can help restore the initial excitement you shared early in your relationship.

Laughter is a great aphrodisiac. Bringing humor into your bedroom will set the stage for a positive mood and a sense of acceptance and trust. Being comfortable with your mate allows you to accept your vulnerability, access your feelings and open up to a close connection.

Unleash your sensuality so you are free to explore and express your sexuality. Now may be the time to vary some techniques in your lovemaking. And since studies have shown that an active sex life slows the aging process, you will be doubly rewarded.

For another look at sharing love on Valentine's Day, click on the post title above and read our article, How to Create More Intimacy with Your Valentine on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com.

Building Memories on Valentine's Day

A survey of women after last Valentine's Day found that 2/3 of them were disappointed in the way the day had turned out for them. Either their expectations were too high or the realities too low. In either case, why not talk with your partner before Valentine's Day and decide to do something different this year. You can make it a special day for you both, even if you are a Sandwiched Boomer coping with the stresses of growing children and aging parents.

Do something unique this Valentine's Day. Studies of long-term relationships have found that couples who share novel experiences together actually increase their marital satisfaction and happiness. Why not begin by planning a brand new celebration of your love on February 14th this year?

Savor your special times together, whatever they are. When you give all of your attention to enjoying a positive time, you can build memories of these happy occasions and re-live them whenever you want.

Plan some exciting adventures to bring back the feelings of exhilaration you had when you first fell in love. You can discover new activities you both like to do - take a class, travel, go on an outing. The thrill of a new discovery can release dopamine and bring more pleasure into your relationship, encouraging real intimacy between you.

For more tips on how to generate meaningful conversations with your loved one, click on the blog post title above. You can read our article, Boomers and the Valentine's Gift of Discourse, and browse through additional articles on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com

Overcoming Stress on Valentine's Day

Couples today are dealing with huge stresses of all sorts - fears of economic meltdown, actual job loss, threats to safety and security, concerns about retirement finances, and, for Sandwiched Boomers, issues arising from children growing up and aging parents growing older. Partners rely on each other to help buffer the impact of these stresses - and, hopefully, to make coping with them a little easier.

Studies have shown that for couples in love there are surges in dopamine, the chemical of pleasure, and in oxytocin, the hormone of bonding. These encourage further closeness and provide the benefits of reducing stress, creating calm, suppressing pain and producing better immune functioning. Researchers have estimated that in about one-third of long-term marriages, couples have the same kind of brain responses to each other as do newly in love couples.

What then can you and your partner do - on Valentine's Day and throughout the year - to keep the fires of love burning bright and bring a bit of serenity into your daily life? Here are some more tips for today.

Invest time and energy in your relationship. Make time for each other. It is well worth it - your efforts will come back to you many times over. Even if your days are filled with chores, let your nights reflect romance, sensuality and affection.

Share with your partner what you love about him or her. Don't hesitate to give compliments when you think of them. Express the gratitude you feel at having your partner in your life. As you remember why you first fell in love, your feelings will grow even deeper and richer.

Focus on the positives in your relationship. Draw on your partner for support when you need it. Recognize that your mutual trust lets you enjoy being playful and sharing a laugh together. Your relationship can rejuvenate you when the stresses of the world outside weigh you down.

For more ideas about how to maintain your love interest in the face of stresses in your life, click on the post title above. It links you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, Marital Harmony Despite Financial Woes. And come back tomorrow for more tips for Valentine's Day.

Cuddling on Valentine's Day

With record snow on the east coast and heavy rainstorms on the west, what better to do than cuddle for warmth with a loved one? Last week we looked at how singles can thrive on Valentine's Day. This week we focus on couples and how to bring you closer.

Contrary to the new film, Valentine's Day, love alone does not guarantee the success of a close relationship. It also takes a willingness to work on building stronger connections through commitment and communication.

Remind yourselves of the commitment you made and the love you created. Plan date nights even when you don't have something special to celebrate. Draw on humor to lighten the mood. As you recall the joyous times you shared in the past, you will be forming new memories for your future together.

Keep your communication open and honest. At the same time, be willing to cooperate and compromise about issues where you disagree. When you are able to deal with your anger and forgive your partner for mistakes he has made, you can both grow from the experience. And you'll feel better if you offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong.

For more tips on how to keep the romance alive in your relationship, click on the post title above. It links you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, Avoiding Infidelity: 8 Tips to Keep Partners Faithful. You'll find a variety of articles on our website to help you and other Sandwiched Generation Boomers cope with the issues of a family in flux.

Sandwich Generation:Single on Valentines Day

Members of the Sandwich Generation have a lot on their plates. And if you're single, you're likely handling the challenges of parents growing older and children growing up by yourself. At times, this can be overwhelming. Is it even more difficult for you when certain days like February 14th roll around?

Valentines Day is a romantic time for couples - a special day to express love. But it can also put pressure on people who, every other day of the year, are perfectly fine with their single status. Are you one of the millions of singles who is lonely on this day? Feeling alienated or insecure may leave you depressed - and worried that you don't have the energy or motivation to do what is in your best interests.

But you don't have to react like that. Although you can't control whether or not you have a romantic attachment at this time, you can control how you handle Valentines Day. Log on all week - we'll be sharing tips that can help you put this one day a year in perspective and take your stress level down a notch.

Want to get started today? Clicking on the title of this post will take to our website, Her Mentor Center, and an article about how to beat the blues.

Senator Kennedy and Vicki: the Value of Support

Politicians, friends and family all knew that his wife, Vicki Reggie, helped Senator Kennedy turn his life around. And he was lucky to have found her. It seems that Vickie was the anchor he didn't have for most of his life and finally, at age 60, Kennedy was willing to change.



Recognize how you deal with tension. Avoid unhealthy activities like smoking, drinking, gambling or emotional eating. Pressure and stress can bring about more conflict and arguments in relationships. If any of these behaviors are causing problems for you, find healthier approaches to deal with your negative feelings.

History is prologue. As you look back in review, consider how you have dealt with other major challenges in your life. Think about what has worked for you in the past. Take the specific strategies that you learned from those experiences and, once again, apply the most effective ones.

Interested in learning more? Click on the title of this post to read an article about Avoiding Infidelity: 8 Tips to Keep Couples Faithful.

Financial Uncertainty can Trigger Marital Problems

Are you and your spouse worried in these times of financial uncertainty? During any economic crisis, couples have to face tough financial decisions. This can lead to an increase in stress and exacerbate problems that may already exist in your marriage.



Identify what you are feeling. As a first step, write down the emotions that now regularly surface. What is happening between you and your partner when you are feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed, embarrassed or frustrated? Chances are you have emotions ranging from disappointment to anger, and these are constantly changing. Don't worry - this is perfectly normal. But understanding what you feel and why can be the first step toward improving your situation.

Click on the title of this post to read an article from www.HerMentorCenter.com - Boomer Couples and Change: Re-examining your Relationship.

The Sandwich Generation and Finding Perspective

We heard from a reader yesterday, "I've been together with my husband for 30 years, am the mother of a teen-age daughter, and we are dealing with elderly parents...so there is much I can relate to! Fortunately, so far, going through various hardships (death of a parent, serious illness) has made us feel closer as we deal with these trials together. Though not to say that there aren't times that we feel stressed and overwhelmed!"

Finding perspective is a valuable strategy when you are dealing with family transitions. It helps to take a step back and see the present situation from a different angle. As high expectations are often difficult to meet, be realistic and, like our reader, you and your relationship can grow from the challenges.

For some couples in the Sandwich Generation, the impetus to examine their relationship comes from different energies that each wants to invest in family and career. Don is torn between his own needs and those of his wife: "We're at different junctures right now. My wife worked part-time in nursing when our children were young. Over the past few years she has discovered a passion for business and has developed her own medical registry. The problem for me is, now that she is immersed in her work, I want to cut back and spend more time together. I'm not sure how we can find a balance."

If there is mutual trust in your relationship, both of you can enjoy the freedom of exploring new options and goals. With her husband’s support, Rhonda, for the first time in 22 years, has achieved space within the marriage. “I have arrived at this crossroad with more confidence and trust in my personal choices. I just hope that my being stronger will not weaken our marriage.”

Are you working on finding balance between nurturing your marriage and still taking care of yourself? Click on the title above if you want to read more about this topic from a male perspective. Then start a conversation with your husband. You may be surprised by what you learn about each other.