Reduce Family Stress during the Holidays

Although the pictures you see are of Christmas trees, presents and smiling faces, there's a lot of chatter about the pressures on families during the holidays. How do you make this season as stress free as possible?

Try to understand what about the holidays is most significant to you and your family. And then decide to focus on what you want to do, not what you think you have to do. Begin to lay the groundwork for change in your family rituals.

Find emotional support. With the challenges of college kids coming home, integrating in-laws into the family and caring for aging parents, take a breather and call a friend. Share your feelings about what's going on in your family - get it off your chest and get some positive feedback.

Gratitude is a powerful emotion. Use it to your advantage. Point out your family's positive qualities rather than focusing on the negatives. Tell your loved ones what they mean to you. See their reaction and notice how it makes you feel.

Perhaps you don't have role models for repairing the family and have to make it up as you go along. Trust yourself in this process. Often the messiness of emotions leads to better understanding. Conflict can serve as an invitation to grow when you honor the importance of relationships. With family, there are no returns or exchanges even with a gift receipt. So embrace the holiday season and rejoice in the love and support of family.

Why not buy yourself a gift that costs less than a cup of coffee? At HerMentorCenter.com, you'll find an ebook Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success that's full of simple strategies that help reduce stress.

http://www.hermentorcenter.com/order.html

Summary of Virtual Book Tour with Dr. Jed Diamond

Ready for the wrap up of our Virtual Book tour with Dr. Jed Diamond? Thanks to those of you who tuned in to the spirited discussion yesterday. And for the newcomers, you can read the Q&A on Thursday's blog. What follows is a summary of our readers' questions:


One woman asked:

We hear so much about estrogen loss at menopause and the controversy around using hormones. Are there similar issues for men with low testosterone?

Jed's reaction:

There are a number of similarities between the hormonal changes women go through at menopause and the changes men experience at Andropause. One difference is that hormone replacement for women have often involved using replacement hormones such as Premarin (a synthetic estrogen), which are not bio-identical to what the body produces. For men, adding testosterone is bio-identical.

Since you can't patent a natural substance like a hormone, the pharmaceutical companies used synthetic estrogens for women, but for men used natural testosterone and patented the delivery system such as the patch, cream, or gel.

Many practitioners believe that bio-identical hormones are better than synthetic. Compounding pharmacists can make bio-identical hormones for women, so women, too, have a choice.

Several readers had concerns about their partner's resistance:

I KNOW my husband is having problems but he won't have any part in discusssing it. Stepping back and taking a deep breath doesn't cut it anymore - I'm thinking about a divorce. Any suggestions?

Jed had a lot to say about this one:

One of the main reasons I wrote the book was to give women specific things to do when the guy doesn't want to talk about what is bothering him.

Many men are afraid that talking about the problem will make things worse or it will increase their feelings of shame and failure.

One of the tools that is most effective for men is to take the quiz which is in the book and at www.IMSquiz.com. It's a non-threatening way to assess what is going on.

Often when men get their score they are much more willing to talk, particularly if they feel that they won't be judged.

I help women and men, find better alternatives than divorce. No one wants to end a marriage. They just need help to see how problems can be addressed and resolved.

Another query:

You talk about declining male hormones causing irritability but I've heard that men who take male hormones and steroids can get very angry too. What's the difference?

Jed's answer:
Our research shows that declining male hormones, particularly testosterone, is one of the causes of Irritable Male Syndrome.

A few men who use high doses of anabolic steroids to increase muscle mass get more irritable. It's called 'roid rage.' But the much more common experience of most men is that is we age our testosterone levels decline. If they get too low, we become more grouchy and irritable.

Fortunately there are a number of excellent ways to increase testosterone, including diet, exercise, and hormone restoration.

What many women want to know:

How can I tell if my husband is really experiencing IMS or is just using it as a cop out - trying to blame anyone or anything else for his behavior?

Jed's response:

Many ask how they can tell if a man is experiencing IMS. The best way is to take the quiz I developed. Its in the book. You can also take it on line at www.IMSquiz.com.

More than 60,000 men and women have taken it. You can get a score which compares your answers to all those who have taken it. Many men reach out for help after realizing that they have a high score.

Kathy and Brianna wanted clarification:

Kathy:

Dr. Diamond, can you tell me a little more about what you call woundedness?

According to Jed:

By woundedness, I mean all the psychological, physical, and social, pain that men carry in their bodies, minds, and spirits.

For instance, many men feel a great deal of shame, as economic dislocations force more and more men out of good paying jobs.

Men also feel a great deal of pain because their relationships with their partner and family is not working and they feel bad that they aren't able to give their families what they want and need.

Men often keep a lot of pain bottled up inside and it leaks out as anger and blame.

Irritable Male Syndrome is not a sign that men are "mean," but rather a sign that they are "men in pain" who are doing the best they can.

I'm happy to offer a whole host of interventions to make life easier for the men and the women who love them.

Brianna:

What's a velvet bulldog?

Jed again:

The Velvet Bulldog is a way of relating to the man where you are kind and caring, but you don't let yourself be walked on or abused.

For instance, you might say, "I love you and care about you and want us to get through this, but I won't allow you to call me names or put me down."

Thank you all for your questions and comments. If you'd like to order a copy of the book you can do so by going to MenAlive.com.


Want more help about how to move toward your relationship goals? Sign our email list on the left-hand side of this post. You'll receive a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals.

Positive Thinking and Holiday Peace in the Family

Focus on the positives during holiday time and see how that can affect peace in the family. Why not start practicing some of the following tips right now, in preparation for what's to come? Then scroll down to the bottom righthand corner of this post and let us know what works for you.

Consider what you love about your family and let them know how grateful you are they're a part of your life. Be sure to point out their positive qualities and personal strengths rather than focusing on the negatives.

You don't have to be all things to all people all the time. If your favorite aunt doesn't get along with her ex-husband's new wife, don't invite them to dinner. It will make it easier for everyone to have an open mind and an accepting heart.

Put aside differences and avoid hot button issues. Sibling rivalry and unfinished family business are bound to surface. Despite how hard it may be, go for the higher ground and walk away from misunderstandings. But agree to finish the conversation at a later time.

Conversely, with a relationship that matters to you, bury the hatchet. If in the past you have stifled your feelings and then blown up later, don't let your emotions fester. Admit the part you play in the conflict, privately, and deal with it.

If there is tension in the room, take the focus away from the specific toward the abstract. For example, talk about the value of apologizing for some wrongdoing. Then encourage others to discuss how this kind of quality has enhanced their other personal relationships.

Practice letting go of childhood pain and longings when family members are not with you in person but in your memories. And realize that having feelings of gratitude and forgiveness are a gift you give yourself.

You can click on the title of this post to read an article that has more tips about how the gift of connection can reduce holiday stress.

The Challenge of Improving Your Marriage

As you begin to work at improving your marriage, think back to when you first met your partner. Do you remember what originally attracted you to him? Was it a strong character, fierce independence, a decisive nature? Now, these qualities may suddenly be getting in the way of getting along. You may want to take a look at what has changed in your relationship so you can come to terms with your negative feelings. But that's not all there is to it. Try to recognize your own role in what's happening in your marriage. If you want to stay together and there's a glimmer of hope, accept the challenge of turning it around.



Begin by not focusing on the problems of the past. Identify the hot button issues that are standing in your way and make efforts to resolve them. Your initiation of changes can be an encouraging sign to your partner. And the sooner you let go of the past, the quicker you can move forward to improve the goodwill in your relationship. It may not be easy to forgive, but it is a gift that you can give to both your partner and yourself.

Clicking on the title above will take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and an article about How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge.

Financial Uncertainty can Trigger Marital Problems

Are you and your spouse worried in these times of financial uncertainty? During any economic crisis, couples have to face tough financial decisions. This can lead to an increase in stress and exacerbate problems that may already exist in your marriage.



Identify what you are feeling. As a first step, write down the emotions that now regularly surface. What is happening between you and your partner when you are feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed, embarrassed or frustrated? Chances are you have emotions ranging from disappointment to anger, and these are constantly changing. Don't worry - this is perfectly normal. But understanding what you feel and why can be the first step toward improving your situation.

Click on the title of this post to read an article from www.HerMentorCenter.com - Boomer Couples and Change: Re-examining your Relationship.

As a new grandma, do you have mixed emotions, with feelings of eager anticipation yet some trepidation? Perhaps you're unsure about what to expect – from the baby, your adult children, the co-grandparents or even from yourself. What follows are some suggestions for grandparents-to-be, and reminders for you veterans – honor your children, stand up for your own needs, and make the most of this unparalleled opportunity.

Enjoy the process. Don’t worry about the old stereotype of "grandparent" because it needn't define you. You can add to your self image without subtracting all that you have created and gained over the years. Allow yourself to accept and take pleasure in your insights about yourself and your relationships.

Be helpful, especially in the beginning. Think ahead about the ways you can assist your children and offer to do them even if they are not your first choice – run errands, do a middle of the night feeding, baby-sit early on a weekend morning. You will feel closer to your grandchild after putting in the effort and your children will be more relaxed without having to do these extra chores.

Take note that July is Sandwich Generation month - we honor this cohort that includes some 20 million Americans. Share your stories as we celebrate the love of family and immeasurable personal sacrifice of those who are caught in the middle.