The Sibling Bond and Aging Parents

We just got home from the Blue Ridge mountains of North Carolina and a reunion with my husband’s brothers and their wives.

Visiting with family always reminds me of how the internal scripts and imprinted patterns that shape us continue their impact throughout our lives. I guess a broad range of emotions weave the tapestry of family life for all of us.

Like the sagas of Cain and Abel or Rachel and Leah, stories about sibling bonds are fascinating. Archetypal tales interest us because relationships with our own brothers and sisters can have a mix of love and rivalry, pride and resentment. And sibling rivalry, with its complex feelings of guilt, can lead to a cascade of emotions - empathy, shame, even manipulation.

Think about the specific dynamics between you and your siblings and how they have played out over the years. It’s not unusual for kids to feel that mom had a favorite - what impact did this have on your family? And consider what defines your relationships - birth order, personality, values, common interests, similar character traits?

Now look at what's going on between you and your siblings as your parents begin to decline.

The statistics are staggering. According to estimates from the National Alliance for Caregiving, 65 million Americans serve as family caregivers for an ill, disabled or aging relative. That's 29 % of the adult U.S. population involving 31 percent of all households. Some provide 20 hours of care a week, and only 1 in 10 who get help from others think the care is split equally.

It’s difficult when you have to take time away from work and family. And then there’s the added stress of caring for parents in decline. When faced with this kind of dilemma, many of us revert back to less adaptive attitudes and behaviors. Siblings can become inflexible and competitive instead of cooperative and collaborative when managing family problems.

Click on ‘comments’ below and share how your family is dealing with these inevitable challenges. And log on here Wednesday for tips that may help you begin to sort things out.

Tips for Keeping Peace in the Family at Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here - complete with exaggerated media images of how the day should be - and you may be trying to conform to unrealistic ideals. As a member of the sandwichgeneration with extra demands on your time and added responsibilities, are you on emotional overload? If so, just remind yourself that nothing's perfect.

Following these common sense strategies will help you create a calmer holiday for you and your family:

1. Realize that anticipatory anxiety is common. Financial burdens and extra chores when entertaining family can make you feel apprehensive and stressed. Accept that this is a normal reaction.

2. Don't take everything personally. Make sure that you have reasonable expectations. Some family members may be struggling with financial or marital issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

3. You don't have to be all things to all people. If your favorite aunt can't seem to get along with her ex-husband's new wife, don't invite them to this dinner. That will make it easier for everyone.

4. Avoid hot button issues. Sibling rivalry and unfinished family business are bound to surface. Put aside differences and, despite how hard it may be, go for the higher ground. Walk away from misunderstandings but agree to finish the conversation later.

5. Bury the hatchet. If in the past you have stifled your feelings and then blown up later, don't let your emotions fester. With an important relationship, admit the part you play in the conflict and deal with it.

6. Talk in generalities. If there is tension in the room, discuss the value of apologizing for wrongdoings. Then encourage others to discuss how this quality has enhanced their personal relationships.

7. Practice letting go. You may be feeling childhood pain or longing for family who are gone and now only in your memories. Realize that forgiveness and gratitude are a gift you give yourself.

While taking care of your family during this hectic time, remember to pay attention to your own needs. Plan ahead and accept help from others when they offer. And try to include fun and laughter in what you do. During the holiday season, while you may wish for peace on earth and peace in your family, don't overlook the importance of your own peace of mind.

We send you warm thoughts and gratitude for being part of our community of amazing women. Here's an article in the Huffington Post from one of you. Our heartfelt best wishes to you and yours for a wonderful Thanksgiving and a list full of things to be thankful for.

Positive Thinking and Holiday Peace in the Family

Focus on the positives during holiday time and see how that can affect peace in the family. Why not start practicing some of the following tips right now, in preparation for what's to come? Then scroll down to the bottom righthand corner of this post and let us know what works for you.

Consider what you love about your family and let them know how grateful you are they're a part of your life. Be sure to point out their positive qualities and personal strengths rather than focusing on the negatives.

You don't have to be all things to all people all the time. If your favorite aunt doesn't get along with her ex-husband's new wife, don't invite them to dinner. It will make it easier for everyone to have an open mind and an accepting heart.

Put aside differences and avoid hot button issues. Sibling rivalry and unfinished family business are bound to surface. Despite how hard it may be, go for the higher ground and walk away from misunderstandings. But agree to finish the conversation at a later time.

Conversely, with a relationship that matters to you, bury the hatchet. If in the past you have stifled your feelings and then blown up later, don't let your emotions fester. Admit the part you play in the conflict, privately, and deal with it.

If there is tension in the room, take the focus away from the specific toward the abstract. For example, talk about the value of apologizing for some wrongdoing. Then encourage others to discuss how this kind of quality has enhanced their other personal relationships.

Practice letting go of childhood pain and longings when family members are not with you in person but in your memories. And realize that having feelings of gratitude and forgiveness are a gift you give yourself.

You can click on the title of this post to read an article that has more tips about how the gift of connection can reduce holiday stress.