Coping With Your Aging Dad on Father's Day

Father's Day gives us the chance to salute our dads and say thanks for all they're done for us. As a young girl, mine taught me how to swim, stand on my head and play tennis; as a teen, how to be responsible and accomplish my goals; as an adult how to feel cherished. As we all grow and mature, our relationships with our fathers change but the bond of love is constant.

If your dad has become more fragile as he ages, it's likely that your connection has been transformed. As more Baby Boomers become caretakers for their aging fathers, the stress of struggling with the issues this raises can be overwhelming. It's easy to become weighed down by the duties and responsibilities of caring for Dad. When you feel sandwiched between the demands of career and family, try these tips to help sustain you:

Get help. You don't have to do it alone. Reach out, create a network, hire someone to assist Dad as often as you think it's necessary. Have support systems in place, even if it's over his objections. Make good use of community interventions, respite care, support groups and adult caregiver resources.

Involve your siblings. Be honest with your family about your needs. Engage them in the problems and the solutions. Ask for practical help and delegate responsibilities. Have them set aside personal agendas and work together toward goals on which you've agreed.

Consider your present challenge as a teachable moment. Learn from the experience and apply these lessons to other areas of your life. What insight have you gained about dealing with your own healthy aging process? How can you talk to your children about your wishes when you become older?

Look for positives. Think less about what you're losing and more about the chance you may be gaining. Spending more time with your father, you'll have the opportunity to give back to him emotionally what he's given to you. And you may learn a lot about yourself and your capacity for resiliency as you care for Dad in the last years of his life.

If you're part of the Sandwich Generation, these may be especially difficult times. Rely on whatever sustains you as you search for a way to nourish yourself. Call on friends for support as well as your faith, spirituality, and sense of humor.

This weekend, if you can, let Dad know how much you appreciate the role he has played in your life. If your father is no longer alive, share stories about him with your children and grandchildren so they will know the kind of man he was. And a very Happy Father's Day to all the men in our lives.

Father's Day and Your Aging Dad

With Father's Day approaching, are your thoughts turning to the men in your life – father, husband, son, other male figures? Mine are. It's heartwarming to see how my sons have become devoted dads themselves, reflecting their own loving father. This weekend, I'll also be honoring the memory of my dad, who died in his 90^th year over a decade ago.    

While helping with his care during the final years of a chronic illness, it was painful to see how he was declining. Always active and fun-loving while I was growing up, he became weaker as he aged, both mentally and physically. As Sandwiched Boomers, it's difficult towatch as your parents deteriorate. And they may complicate the situation by being in denial about their vulnerable condition.

Today nearly 10 million adults are caregivers for their aging parents. If you're caring for an elderly father, it's up to you to acknowledge the true state of affairs and be straightforward in dealing with his increasing fragility. You'll need to discuss practical, yet uncomfortable, issues - health care directives, long-term care options, a designated power of attorney, distribution of income and assets. After addressing your most immediate concerns, here are some tips to help you plan and implement your care:

Learn about your dad’s illness. Educate yourself on what to expect and how to recognize warning signs threatening your father's health and independence.  Talk to friends who have gone through similar experiences in order to get realistic feedback and concrete advice.

Surf the Internet to investigate resources available to you. Some nonprofit organizations offer free services or financial grants for respite care for family members who provide most of the care to their chronically ill elders. If you're in the U.S., the National Family Caregiver Support Program provides funds and the Eldercare Locator identifies programs in local communities.

Involve you dad in decision-making. If you decide it's necessary to move your father out of his home or take over management of his finances that may signify a loss of independence to him, leading to anger, frustration, or depression. Understanding his pain, taking it slow and engaging a geriatric social worker or gerontologist can help the process.

Embrace the changes in your dad and respect his integrity. As he becomes less strong physically and mentally, he may lose some of the magical power he once had in your eyes. Still you can admire his courage and dignity, as he struggles, coming to terms with end of life issues. Recall the good times you shared even as you adjust to the changes in your roles.

Check back here again on Wednesday for more Father's Day tips for caring for your aging dad – especially if you're part of the sandwich generation.

The Sibling Bond and Aging Parents

We just got home from the Blue Ridge mountains of North Carolina and a reunion with my husband’s brothers and their wives.

Visiting with family always reminds me of how the internal scripts and imprinted patterns that shape us continue their impact throughout our lives. I guess a broad range of emotions weave the tapestry of family life for all of us.

Like the sagas of Cain and Abel or Rachel and Leah, stories about sibling bonds are fascinating. Archetypal tales interest us because relationships with our own brothers and sisters can have a mix of love and rivalry, pride and resentment. And sibling rivalry, with its complex feelings of guilt, can lead to a cascade of emotions - empathy, shame, even manipulation.

Think about the specific dynamics between you and your siblings and how they have played out over the years. It’s not unusual for kids to feel that mom had a favorite - what impact did this have on your family? And consider what defines your relationships - birth order, personality, values, common interests, similar character traits?

Now look at what's going on between you and your siblings as your parents begin to decline.

The statistics are staggering. According to estimates from the National Alliance for Caregiving, 65 million Americans serve as family caregivers for an ill, disabled or aging relative. That's 29 % of the adult U.S. population involving 31 percent of all households. Some provide 20 hours of care a week, and only 1 in 10 who get help from others think the care is split equally.

It’s difficult when you have to take time away from work and family. And then there’s the added stress of caring for parents in decline. When faced with this kind of dilemma, many of us revert back to less adaptive attitudes and behaviors. Siblings can become inflexible and competitive instead of cooperative and collaborative when managing family problems.

Click on ‘comments’ below and share how your family is dealing with these inevitable challenges. And log on here Wednesday for tips that may help you begin to sort things out.

Caring for Yourself and Aging Parents at Holiday Time

Amidst all the celebrating during these holidays, if you're a Sandwiched Boomer, torn between caring for growing children and aging parents, you may be bogged down by your responsibilities and having a hard time getting into the spirit of the season. I know I did when I was taking care of my parents a decade ago. They moved in with me after my mother developed cognitive impairment due to a stroke, and they lived with us until their deaths years later. When I was just too exhausted, my husband insisted we get help and that made a huge difference in all of our lives.

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

While you're busy caring for others, remember to take good care of yourself too. Make time for fun and take advantage of free time you set aside for yourself. You can nurture yourself even when you're focused on nourishing others. Remember what Ben Franklin said about how to keep yourself young: We do not stop playing because we grow old, We grow old because we stop playing!

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer, we've got some resources to help you take better care of yourself, manage daily hassles and reduce long-term stress. Use them to create some energy so you can enjoy the holidays this year.

AARP recently hosted an event focused on identifying what can be done to support caregivers, bringing together 10 authors - including Gail Sheehy and Walter Mosley - who have hands on experience themselves caring for loved ones. You can view the archived webcast of the event on the AARP website.

If you're caring for a loved one at home, find out about respite care options and caregiver resources that will give you the break you need. You may want to consult the Private Duty Homecare Association, which is devoted to overcoming the challenges of aging in place. And you can a look at their past webinars on various aspects of at-home care, which may help your loved one maintain a sense of independence and feelings of security. Home Instead Senior Care can also help overcome obstacles in assisting your loved one's aging in place, including gift ideas for the holidays.

When you feel you are no longer able to care for a loved one by yourself, you may begin looking for other options. Assisted Living Today has compiled a series of articles to help determine the best type of care for your loved one. Especially helpful is the information in their Assisted Living Care Guide. For those of you who have a parent with Alzheimer's or other dementia their Memory Care Guide provides facts about different types of facilities caring for those with Alzheimer's Disease as well as questions and answers to help you make decisions about caring for your loved one.

November was Alzheimer's Awareness month, bringing attention to the estimated 5 million who suffer from this disease. The Alzheimer's Association provides information and support to those with Alzheimer's as well as for their caregivers.

If you want to read more about eldership, AgeSong features Dr. Nader Shabahangi who has been writing about the aging process and the need for community to ensure a positive outlook - for caregivers as well as their loved ones. You may find his white papers interesting and informative, especially if you're caring for a loved one.

Treat yourself to an important holiday gift this year - your decision to take good care of yourself even with the pull of your aging parents and growing children. You deserve it.

Testosterone Levels Decrease in New Fathers

As mothers, we've experienced the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum emotions. We felt more attached to our growing baby as our progesterone and estrogen levels rose early in pregnancy and remained high, supporting the development of a healthy, well-nurtured baby. Then our oxytocin levels spiked while we gave birth - just the beginning of the mommy brain we formed. All of these dramatic hormonal changes made us more involved with our infants, during pregnancy and as new mothers.


Studies are now showing that men, too, are hardwired to be caring parents - their testosterone levels drop significantly when they become fathers and their estrogen levels climb somewhat. There is also an increase in their level of prolactin, the nurturing hormone, and a rise in cortisol, which creates greater alertness and sensitivity to danger for their newborns. The increase in cortisol combined with the decrease in testosterone leads new fathers to avoid risky behaviors that could otherwise interfere with the responsibilities of parenthood.

Image: Louisa Stokes / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The decrease in testosterone leads to physical changes that increase new fathers' abilities as caregivers and help them bond with their new infants: their immune system functions better, helping to avoid infections, their lower level of libido leads to a lesser urge to go out and reproduce, there are reduced levels of competition with other males, the risk of prostate cancer is reduced - and new fathers can even hear the cries of their infant more easily.

So while macho men may attract us when we are single, it's their decrease in testosterone that keeps us together as a family unit, raising our children. It's nice to know that our husband's commitment to us and the kids is part of his evolutionary destiny.

How about your guy? Did you notice a change in his feminine side after the birth of your children? And if he's already become a grandfather, did you see another spurt when he began taking care of the grandkids? Jump in and use the comment button below.

On Wednesday we'll be hosting another Virtual Book Tour here on the blog. Please check back in then as we chat with Gayle Forman about her young-adult novels.

Care-giving 101: Boomers Beware

What an unfortunate end to a terrific week at the lake, with all our kids and grandsons, celebrating my husband's birthday. During one final swim, he slipped on the dock, had to have surgery on a fracture through the knee joint and is now only 10 days into an 8-12 week stint of no weight bearing. And yes, living in a 2nd floor walk-up, we're both counting the days!

When we're busy with our lives and moving along as usual we tend to feel bad for the injured and their caretakers but don’t really give much thought to the challenges they're facing. As with so many other circumstances, it's often through experience that we really know how it feels - and then can access a depth of compassion.

So what's it like for an active, strong willed risk taker to be rendered helpless and in the hands of the woman he's been married to for 45 years? Well, it's a new role for both of us and we're trying to learn as we go. You can't really be prepared for the unexpected but, as we age, we're all vulnerable. So here are some pointers about what we've been doing to make our way through this rough period:

The first days can be the hardest. We take so much for granted. When your partner is incapacitated, the physical and emotional challenges can't help but have a huge impact. And with a reversal of roles, while one may feel vulnerable and upset, the other's emotions can fluctuate from fear to frustration. Yet eventually both can experience a deep sense of support and renewed strength as you draw on the coping strengths that helped you manage difficult times in the past.

What you're feeling is normal. The emotions that surface can affect how you see yourselves, even on a temporary basis. Let the anger, exhaustion, resentment or guilt wash over you but don't give in to them. Try to be hopeful as you adjust to the new reality. You'll take better care of your emotional self if you don't dwell on the negatives and begin to accept that this too will pass.

Care for the care-giver. Look on the bright side of a difficult situation as you balance caring for your partner and taking care of your own needs. Make time for yourself - take a long walk or yoga class, go back to volunteer work or grandbaby sitting, enjoy lunch or a movie with a friend. Recognize what you can manage and that you don't have to do it all alone – and remember that it's OK to ask for help.

If your family has been through this, please share your ideas by clicking on 'Comments' below. And log on again Wednesday when we'll be STILL be talking about the cared for and the care-giver.

Women in the Sandwich Generation Need to Start Taking Better Care of Themselves

In last week's election, did you notice all the references to the Pink Stampede? There were several firsts for women - Nikki Haley (South Carolina) Susana Martinez (New Mexico) and Mary Fallin (Oklahoma) were all elected in states that never had a female governor before.

Despite these historic events, women continue to lag behind in issues related to taking care of themselves. They seem to have other priorities that can't wait. According to AARP research, 44 million members of the Sandwich Generation, most of them women, are caregivers for aging family members.

If you're looking for support and resources as you try to balance your family and work life with caregiving responsibilities, click here for AARP.org/caregiving. Through the eldercare locator, there's information about particular information in your local area on such topics as housing options, financial assistance, transportation or legal help.

It seems that women are far less informed about their own longterm planning than caregiving others, and this includes what it will take for them to live in retirement. This week on the blog we want to get you thinking about you, for a change! Learn more about your medical history to reduce risks in the future. If you eat well, exercise, get a good night's sleep, have a positive attitude and a good support system, you'll be on the road to better self care.

However, there's more to it. Want access to information and tools? AARP has developed a program to help you stay engaged and connected called 'Decide, Create, Share.' Its purpose is to empower women to be in control and live the best life possible. And if you're interested in taking a quiz that will increase your awareness about health, finances, legal issues or home and community, click here.

Log on to our website, HerMentorCenter.com, for articles about how to care for your family in flux without starving yourself. Please sign the email list to the left of this post to receive our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and download a complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals. And click here to watch Patricia's video clip about how she is setting personal goals for her future.

Nourishing Relationships - Literally as Well as Figuratively

Since we write a blog with a name like Nourishing Relationships, you know that we recognize the importance of nurturing - encouraging growth and development. Generally we focus on improving and strengthening family relationships with partners, growing children and aging parents so that everyone can thrive. For many women, a significant part of caregiving involves nourishing their family and friends in a literal way - by preparing food for the body as well as for thought.

Breaking bread with family and friends has gone on since the beginning of societies and communities. Eating together reinforces ties as diners linger over the meal, sharing stories and just enjoying one another. Food is more than just sustenance - it sends a powerful message of love and caring.

As foodies ourselves, we are both always on the lookout for new recipes and exciting presentations. So, over the weekend at a niece's baby shower, I was delighted to meet two engaging young women who blog together about food, sharing recipes with their readers. Danielle and Erin blog at www.crispytarts.blogspot.com and present some mouth-watering recipes - with beautiful pictures to accompany them.
You can stop by their blog and try out some yourself - I'm planning to go for the lemon bars.

What about your own relationship with food? Are you challenged by the perpetual cycle many women encounter - of dieting and then "falling off the wagon?" Remember that you need to take care of yourself before you can successfully take care of others. If you've made lifestyle changes that honor both a healthy body and at the same time the enjoyment of good food, why not share your solutions here? Nourish us with your wisdom!

Looking for just the right nudge to begin making changes in your own life? You'll find practical tips laced in with inspiring stories of strength in our new ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned. Simply sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and you will receive a complimentary copy of the ebook. You'll find the subscription link just to the left of this post or at our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com. And a healthful bon appetit!

Caring for Aging Parents: Virtual Book Tour Finale

Below you'll find a final couple of comments that readers posted over the weekend on the complicated subject of caring for aging parents.

A common dilemma that can come up for sibling who are working together to help their elderly parents:

My brother and I can't agree on the best course of action to take with my dad who is 88. Dad has been having so many problems, the doctors say they can do a dramatic procedure which will hurt his quality of life but give him more years. I think quality of life is more important and don't want the procedure done but my brother wants them to do it. How can we settle this?

Barbara replies:

I have often said that sibling issues are more difficult to resolve than the parent issues!

I suggest you and your brother sit down and very calmly and analytically look at the impact of each of the approaches. For example - as your Dad's quality of life decreases, what will that mean for him? Will it mean more pain? Will it mean mobility difficulty - and to what extent? What kind of care will he require in the long term and how will that be accommodated?

Conversely, if he doesn't have the procedure, what will that mean for him? Will the above issues still come into play but just in a more condensed time frame? The point of the conversation isn't to puch either position but rather to calmly analyze what each course of action will mean for your father. Ideally, when the two lists are made, the decision will become clear.

By the way, has your father ever given any indication about what's important to him? Have either of you sat down with him and asked what he wants and then really listened? And not just to his current situation but also to any comments he may have made in the past about his family and how he may have felt about what they went through? He may be reluctant to pick either solution for himself but very often those casual comments about other people speaks volumes.

My thoughts are with you whichever way you all decide to go.

And, finally, Paula reflects:

Barbara, I really like what you said about not trying to parent our parents. It's so easy to fall into this trap - to think that we know so much more than they do and can make better decisions. Even though my parents are not as sharp as they used to be, they do still have wisdom and experience that I have not yet amassed. Thank you for bringing this up. I will try to remember it when I start trying to take over, be officious and usurp all the control - as I have certainly done before.

Readers, if you found Barbara Friesner's Virtual Book Tour helpful, you can receive valuable information from her every week. Just clicking on the title of this post will take you to Barbara's website, where you can sign up for her free weekly newsletter. And when you sign up, you'll also receive the AgeWiseLiving Legal & Financial Organizer.

Synopsis: Caring for Aging Parents

Yesterday the Virtual Book Tour with Barbara Friesen about her book, The Ultimate Caregiver's Success Guide, was very well received. And we had a lively exchange of comments, questions and answers throughout the day.

Our thanks to all of you who participated! What follows is a summary of readers' comments and Barbara's thoughtful responses. Most of the questions were about the changes that parents were going through and how to deal with them. And many had concerns about how to come to terms with their own feelings.

One in particular:

My elderly mother's memory is failing. Additionally, she has begun to lose weight. She cares for herself in her own home and does not want anyone to come in to help her. We (daughters) want to respect her choices, but are beginning to be worried re: her safety (e.g. possible stove fire, forgetting to eat due to lack of appetite, etc.). She feels we are overly concerned. Any thoughts on this? Thanks.

Barbara says:

First let me say I don't think you're overly concerned. In fact, your Mom is lucky to have daughters who are concerned.

Your Mom's situation is very common. She doesn't want to give up her independence and, as a woman of her generation, her home and taking care of it is her identity. However, it sounds like she needs some help.

Because she is losing weight, I suggest she starts by getting a full medical check-up. (Be sure they check for a urinary tract infection - a common cause of increased forgetfulness.) To get her to accept help, you can also do a list of the pros and cons of her living alone at home. Then help her see that in order to stay in her own home, that she needs to address the cons (such as not eating properly, safety, etc) (You might also want to check out a CD I did called "Is It Simple Forgetfulness or the Real Thing" at http://agewiseliving.com/shop-simple_forgetfulness.htm)

Cynthia writes:

I live in California and my mom is in her 80's and in Florida. How do I deal with the bad feelings when something comes up and I can't leave my kids and job to go help take care of it.

Barbara's response:

This is a difficult question to answer without more background on your Mom and what kinds of things you’re talking about. However, some things to think about…

Do things come up when she’s feeling neglected (eg: you haven’t called in a few days)? If that’s the case, you might want to set up regularly scheduled calls and include the kids on at least some of them. Encourage them (any you!) to tell her about all the things they’re doing so she can get a better idea of how busy everyone is.

Do things come up because of lack of planning on her part (eg: no one to take her to a doctor’s appointment she knew was on the calendar)? If so, “teach” her how to be more organized, for example, to make transportation arrangements when she makes the doctor’s appointment.

My elderly mother's memory is failing. Additionally, she has begun to lose weight. She cares for herself in her own home and does not want anyone to come in to help her. We (daughters) want to respect her choices, but are beginning to be worried re: her safety (e.g. possible stove fire, forgetting to eat due to lack of appetite, etc.). She feels we are overly concerned. Any thoughts on this? Thanks.

Another reader wonders:

My Mother died last year and my Father now comes over all the time. She used to be the one to connect with my kids. We love being with him and it's so different - he's so emotionally available. What do you make of this?

Barbara's reaction:

How lovely that your father visits all the time and that he’s so connected to you and your kids. That’s not always the case. Too often when the mother dies, the father becomes withdrawn because, like many men of his generation, the mother was the “family” person. His ‘new’ connection may be because he’s lonely. Or maybe he’s now getting to be the person he always was but his ‘role’ in the family didn’t allow him to be. Whatever the reason, what a wonderful gift you now have!

Her words resonate for Sandy when Barbara talks about her difficult relationship with her mom:

I was surprised when you said that you didn't get along with your mom and then you were able to take care of her for so long. I have what may be a similar situation. I know you can't tell me how you did it, but is there one thing that stands out about the changes you made?

Barbara's heartfelt reply:

I am sorry you may have a similar situation. I think there are a lot of daughters who do! It was hard but I knew if I focused on the anger, I would not be able to help my mother the way I wanted to - or my insides would explode!

So I had a number of long conversations with myself and made the conscious decision to stop trying to get answers (or maybe even an apology) and focus on who she now was and how I could help her.

Because of my work, I knew that she made decisions based on the experiences of her life - some of which she may have been aware of, but a lot she probably wasn't. Therefore, whatever caused my feelings toward her, they probably would never be resolved with her. Also, once I realized that, because of her dementia, she would never be able to explain some of her actions or decisions as I was growing up, there was no point in dwelling on it. It may not have been the best way (and since my Mother's death in June, I have gotten help to deal with the anger) but that's what worked for me.

That is also why I wrote "The Ultimate Caregiver's Success Guide" - so that family members could help their loved one in an unemotional, yet very effective way. As a result they can make good decisions and provide care regardless of past history.

Another woman is grateful:

Barbara, thank you for writing this book – it's so necessary today, as you said, with so many of us caring for our elderly parents over a span of years. My mother-in-law has advanced Alzheimers. She mostly lives in her own world and recently has shown signs of not knowing who we are. Whereas I used to see her 3-4 times a week, I now see her maybe twice. I feel guilty not spending as much time, but as soon as I leave she forgets I was there. And unfortunately my stay leaves me feeling sad and empty.

And Barbara identifies with her:

I know just how you feel! I used to go through the same thing with my mother. I don't know which is worse . . . the sadness or the guilt. The important thing to remember - in fact, perhaps the only thing to remember, is that it is not the quantity of time you spend with your mother-in-law but rather the quality of time. In addition, as the dementia progresses, what they respond to best is the sense of tough. So, while you're there, hold her hand, stroke her arm. She will remember that more than anything you say or how long you were there.

I also urge you to be gentle with yourself. Your visits - no matter how often or how long - are an act of love.

By the way, there are 2 newsletters on my website that may help. One is Heart to Heart (March 09) and the other is Why Bother Visiting Mom. You can find them both at http://agewiseliving.com/newsletters.htm

Paola reflects:

When my parents were older and failing I was busy with family and work. Now that I'm getting up there and my kids don't have that much time for me, I finally realize how my parents must have felt. It's too bad that we often come to awareness when it's too late.

Barbara's reply can be a lesson to all of us about our parents and other family relationships as well:

Ironic, isn't it? And kinda sad! You might want to mention the irony to your kids and see if they're willing to schedule something with you on a regular basis. It would be a shame for them to come to this realization when it's too late, too!

A very common concern for sandwiched boomers:

You mention taking care of the caregiver and I read that in a lot of articles. But I hardly ever manage that. Do you have any ideas about how to make that happen?

We can also learn another important lesson from Barbara's answer here:

I know what you mean! I was never too good at carving out time for myself either! It's not easy - especially for women who are taught that they are supposed to take care of everyone else before they take care of themselves. Unfortunately, after we take care of everyone else, there's not much time left for us!

One way to do it is to think of the saying "pay yourself first". In other words, schedule time for yourself before scheduling anyone else. (Yes, actually pen it into your calendar!) BTW - it's easier to stick to it if you schedule an activity such as going to the gym or a yoga class or meeting up with a friend for a walk. That way it's harder to back out. But even if you just take an hour every day to read a book , be sure to tell your family that this time is YOURS and you're not to be interrupted. And just keep telling yourself . . . "I'm worth it!"

The Ultimate Caregiver’s Success Guide is information-rich and guaranteed to address your most difficult questions, roadblocks and communication breakdowns that are so typical for eldercare providers. Filled with over 200 pages of step-by-step solutions, it makes the process easy to understand and more importantly, easy to be successful.

So there you have it! Once again, our thanks to Barbara for a spirited exchange of ideas. You can click on the title of this post to learn more about Barbara, her book and the important work she does.

Caregiving for Your Aging Parents

We want to welcome Barbara Friesner, founder of AgeWiseLiving and author of The Ultimate Caregiver’s Success Guide, to our Virtual Book Tour today. And readers, you're about to receive a lot of valuable information about caring for your aging parents. So let's get started:

Nourishing Relationships: Why did you write The Ultimate Caregiver’s Success Guide?

Barbara Friesner: Caregivers can learn all they want about what to do to resolve their eldercare issues – and there's plenty of stuff out there to read. (In fact, if you Google ‘eldercare’ over 4 million entries come up). But if you aren't shown exactly how to do it, you’re no better off. Plus, it made me really sad to see people struggle the way most eldercare providers do. That’s when I decided it was time to put my 25 years of caregiving and 10 years of Generational Coaching on paper.

N R: Your book comes with 11 CDs. Why is that?

B F: I wanted The Ultimate Caregiver’s Success Guide to be as easy to use as possible. But there was so much other information that’s vital to a caregiver’s success. So I created 6 CDs on topics, such as who your aging loved one is generationally, what they’re going through emotionally, 19 caregiver pitfalls and how to avoid them, etc; a CD of all the forms and worksheets in The Ultimate Caregiver’s Success Guide; a CD of my rolodex of outside resources; and 3 CD’s featuring the latest experts’ advice from an Elder Law Attorney; a Personal Financial Planner; and a Family Relationship Expert. Armed with all this information, a caregiver can confidently resolve all their eldercare issues.

N R: You mention 19 pitfalls. What are some of the common ones caregivers fall into?

B F: The first – and probably most important – is not understanding and respecting the generational and emotional differences between us Baby Boomers and our parents. The fact is that generational attitudes and emotional perspectives matter . . . a lot. But too often family members think that because we come from the same family we think the same way. That’s just not true! Our parent’s generation is very different from ours and understanding and respecting how they view the world and feel about it emotionally is critical to your success.

Sometimes what our parents say or do is illogical from our point of view but usually that’s because of their generational perspective. As a result, the way they see and feel about the world is very different from their Baby Boomer children, so it’s very important to understand and respect where they’re coming from both generationally and emotionally.

Another pitfall – and my biggest pet peeve – is thinking in terms of “parenting the parent”. If one person is the parent, by definition, the other is the child. The problem with that is that it’s then very easy to start treating and/or talking to your aging loved ones as if they are children – which they will quite rightfully resent. No one likes being condescended to . . . the “verbal pat on the head”. Unless they have dementia, the best you can do is work with them. Therefore, rather than approaching a conversation with your aging loved one as “parenting the parent”, approach it as a collaboration. And the key to a successful collaboration with your aging loved one is to create and maintain an “adult/adult” relationship.

Another biggie is thinking you can make anyone want to change. Bottom line . . . you can’t. You can’t with your kids, you can’t with your spouse – and with them you have more leverage! So if you try to make your aging loved one do something, it’s not surprising you won’t be successful. The fact is, what you think someone should do doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that the person making the change wants to make the change. So what do you do? You ask questions – the kind of questions that will help them discover their reason for doing something. The reason may not be your reason or it may be one you never thought of but if their reason works for them and the issue is resolved, then who cares?? (By the way – the same concept works on your kids and your spouse!)

There are 19 pitfalls that come with The Ultimate Caregiver’s Success System but these are major ones.

N R: Your company, AgeWiseLiving has been around for 10 years so what took you so long to write the book?

B F: Every person’s situation is unique to them so for a long time (ok . . . a very long time) I didn’t see how I could write something that would apply to everyone. But over time, I realized that, while each family is unique, the framework for resolving the issues is the same.

For example: Many people make a long list of their goals or have just one . . . such as to move their loved one into an assisted living community or nursing home. (I mean – after all . . . that’s where they’re going to end up eventually, right? I’ve actually had clients who have said that! And then they wonder why their loved one has stopped speaking to them! Hello!)

But, I say that’s not goal. It may be the “end up” solution but it’s not the goal. In my opinion there are 3 goals – and 3 goals only . . .
Goal #1 – that your loved one is safe
Goal #2 – that your loved one is as healthy as possible
Goal #3 – that your loved one is happy

If you focus on these three, the rest of the decisions will be a lot easier to make because then your determining questions are: Will this make him/her safe? Will this help maintain or improve his/her health? Will this make him/her happy? When you keep these three goals in mind, everything else that follows will be a lot easier.

N R: When dealing with parents, sibling relationships can be very difficult. Any suggestions for how they can work together during this difficult and emotional time?

B F: Many caregivers – especially women – find themselves doing all the work themselves because they don’t realize how much work it will be until they are overwhelmed and struggling. In addition, because of family dynamics, many caregivers think that it’s easier to go it alone than get involved with all the drama of the family issues. (One of the hardest things about eldercare is that it brings up all the “mommy & daddy” stuff and it can bring out the best and the worst in people.) And on top of that . . . the caregiver ends up really resenting her sibs for not doing what she never asked them to do in the first place!!!

There is a lot of information in The Ultimate Caregiver’s Success Guide but briefly, the solution as it relates to getting your family to help is to call the family together for a care planning meeting specifically called to create a care plan for your aging loved one.

N R: What is the biggest mistake eldercare givers make?

B F: There are two actually. The first is that they don’t organize, plan, and prepare in advance. When our parents were taking care of their parents, the average length of caregiving was 3-5 years. Now the average is 15 years. (My journey with my mother was 17 years.) That’s a long time. When it was only 3-5 years, caregivers might have been able to “wing it” for a few years but you can’t wing it for 15-20 years and stay sane!!! The point is . . . . you can’t always predict your eldercare issues – but you can prepare for them.

The second big mistake is not taking care of themselves. All eldercare givers seem to have one trait in common – that they take care of everyone else – especially their aging loved one – before they take care of themselves. But the reality is – if you don’t take care of yourself you’ll be no good to anyone else. And no, It’s not selfish or self serving to take care of yourself. It’s simply a matter of – if you want to help others – you have to help yourself first.

N R: Some of our readers may not have heard of a Generational Coach. Could you explain a little about Generational Coaching?

B F: As a Generational Coach I work with families who are struggling to help their aging loved ones resolve critical elder care issues. Not only do I help the families figure out what to do, I also help the family communicate effectively with their aging loved one so their aging loved one will actually do what’s in their best interest. In other words, I help families resolve their eldercare issues by choice, not crisis.

I work with the family members – never the senior – and all the work I do is by phone so I work with families all over the world. And, since sibling issues can be a big challenge for many families, I also help siblings work successfully together.

N R: How did you become a Generational Coach?

B F: I became a Generational Coach as a result of more than 25 years of personal experience. I was the care manager for many years for my grandmother and for the past 17 years for my mother who by the time she died recently, had severe advanced dementia.

Helping my grandmother was relatively easy because we were really close. With my mother, on the other hand, it wasn’t so easy because frankly, she and I weren’t all that close. But after my father died, my mother needed help and even though I have 2 other sisters, my mother would only let me help her – which I was happy to do.

Initially I took over her finances which was relatively easy because she wanted my help. Later though, when I had to take away the car and move her into an assisted living community it was extremely difficult and contentious. I realized that finding the answers and getting someone else to do what needs to be done were 2 very different things! I knew I had to figure out some way to talk with her so she would willingly do what was in her best interest – a way other than trial & error!!!

So I did a lot of research, talked with hundreds of seniors and their families, and professionals with senior clients – and created a system that helps the generations successfully help each other WITHOUT the time, money, and stress of trial and error – which ultimately became The Ultimate Caregiver’s Success System.

Thanks, Barbara, for your thoughtful and helpful answers to some difficult questions. You can learn more about Barbara and her work by clicking on the title of this post - it'll take you to her website, AgeWiseLiving.com.

Readers, now is your chance to find your voice. Click on "Comments" just below and to the right of this post. Share your concerns and ask Barbara your questions. Follow the prompts – you can sign on as anonymous and click send – it's as easy as that! And log on again tomorrow for our wrap-up. We'll be posting your comments, questions and Barbara's answers.

Michael Jackson: Best Interests of the Children

When Michael Jackson was alive, his first priority was to protect his children. Now, having lost the only parent they know, what's in the best interests of the children? Hopefully there will be a coordinated effort to bring stability to their lives. Prince and Paris understand that Debbie Rowe is their biological mother. And the Jackson family seems to be working toward an agreement that she will be involved.



If you're suddenly thrown into the role of caregiver for your grandchildren, there will be a huge void to fill. And you may be confused about how best to handle the situation. But there are many options available. Don't hesitate to see a family therapist, child psychologist or parenting coach. Learning skills and techniques from experts can make a big difference the second time around. And talking with someone outside the family can be a lifesaver.

The Jacksons have a large extended family and Michael's children can't have too many loving arms. Perhaps this applies to you and your family, as well. Learn more about family values by clicking on the title of this post for an article about the Obamas.

And spend time on HerMentorCenter.com where you'll find information about healing the pain in family relationships. Just go to the menu in the upper lefthand corner of the Home Page and click on 'Nourishing Relationships' to read a variety of articles about how to manage the challenges of parents growing older and children growing up.

In honor of Sandwich Generation month, and as we end our week of tribute to Sandwiched Boomers, we have one last recommendation - the new blog by journalist Jane Gross - www.NewOldAge.blogs.nytimes.com.

The New York Times, in describing the New Old Age:

"Thanks to the marvels of medical science, our parents are living longer than ever before. Adults over age 80 are the fastest growing segment of the population, and most will spend years dependent on others for the most basic needs. That burden falls to their baby boomer children, 77 million strong, who are flummoxed by the technicalities of eldercare, turned upside down by the changed architecture of their families, struggling to balance work and caregiving, and depleting their own retirement savings in the process.

In The New Old Age, Jane Gross explores this unprecedented intergenerational challenge and shares the stories of readers, the advice of professionals, and the wisdom gleaned from her own experience caring for her late mother in her waning years."

Consider this a valuable new resource for you and your family. Jane speaks from her own experience in caring for her mother - one of her first posts was 'what I wish I'd done differently.' The information on the blog is pertinent and current - in the first two weeks of posting, she has already covered the car key situation and long term insurance. And the blog is definitely resonating for readers - there were 693 comments on the day Jane wrote about 'our parents, ourselves.' Do yourself a favor and check it out - let us know what you find helpful in your own quest.

A Sandwiched Boomer wrote on yesterday's comments that she's planning to move her aging mother in with the family as a way to take better care of both of them - more loving arms for mom, although some loss of independence, and less stress on herself as she'll be right there when her mom's not doing well.

Another reader discussed the plans she and her husband have made for themselves because they don't have children to help care for them - that is, moving to another country where they can afford to hire caregivers.

Both of these women are faced with making challenging and emotional decisions, despite how different they are. For years we have been working with clients in our practices, struggling with issues that involve their aging parents. But it was still a shock when the problems that accompany aging hit home in a personal way with our own parents - it looks a whole lot different close up.

Our advice is to do your homework sooner rather than later, even if your parents are still healthy and vital. If this is an uncomfortable subject to broach, start slow and ease into it. Your parents deserve to be included in making decisions that directly affect their lives. Know that information is power. And if this situation is not personal for you today, it will be some day.

"Community" has always been a concept that women embrace for caregiving, as Shelley Taylor discusses in her book, "The Tending Instinct." Through the ages, from prehistoric times until now, communities in which women "tend and befriend" each other have allowed them to survive and even thrive.

Now the presence of community is contributing to the new movement of "aging in place," seniors remaining in their own homes rather than moving elsewhere. Studies indicate that over 90% of the elderly prefer this option and that it provides a better quality of life for them. This alternative is generally less expensive but depends on the input of a group of people to make it possible.

Pilot projects in several cities have been set up to coordinate services for groups of the aging population - labeled naturally occurring retirement communities - so that they can remain in their homes. These programs are having positive results, offering independence and safety through the connection to community. New social interactions have led to greater efficiencies as neighbor helps neighbor in need. This growing trend attests to the power of women working together to accomplish more than they could alone.

As a Sandwiched Boomer, how would you feel about your parents' participation in the "aging in place" phenomenon? Are there resources such as these in your areas? Would it reduce your stress to draw upon the community to assist with the care of your parents?

As a Sandwiched Boomer, you may be facing tough long term care decisions about your aging parents. Research indicates that most elderly want to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible.

Do the ways in which political candidates have looked after their own parents matter to you? Perhaps some of their experiences have helped shape their policies. The family leave act, project independent choices and the independence at home plan are but a few of the programs that have been implemented in various states. What kind of policies would help you and your parents?

As the day approaches for Americans to acknowledge and pay respect to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and his accomplishments, Democrats seem to be going from bad to worse as they wrangle over who played the race card first when evaluating Dr. King's legacy. Supporters of both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama imply the other's comments brought racism into the primaries. It's hard to say who threw the first punch, but clearly the campaigning is getting dirty.

What happens within your own family when you have conflicts? Do you begin to hit below the belt? Learning to fight fairly is important, especially for Sandwiched Boomers who are stressed daily by the struggles of caring for aging parents and growing children. When you are feeling frustrated and exhausted by your responsibilities as a caregiver to your family in flux, resist the tendency to unload your raw anger on those nearest and dearest to you. Make a commitment to address the issues openly and honestly - but without rancor. You can let others know what you need without blaming them for your situation. Talk about how they can change their behaviors rather than attacking their character traits. As you continue to work on improving the relations within your family, you will all grow in respect for one another. And respecting each person in the family of man honors Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and his message every day.

As a member of the Sandwiched Generation, are you feeling left out by the pollsters covering the Presidential primaries? We're hearing more and more about the importance of the youth vote to the candidates but not much about the value of the Baby Boomer electorate. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are each presenting themselves as the most relevant choice for the first-time voter; John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee are appearing on college campuses in an attempt to win over the youth of the country.

But the reality is that in the 2004 Presidential election, Americans over the age of 55 comprised more than 35% of the voters whereas those under the age of 25 made up less than 10%. And in the off-year 2006 elections, a whopping 52% of all voters were over 50. Older voters in the swing states of Florida, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Arizona and Nevada make up a greater percentage of the population than the national average - their choices this year will have significant effects.

So what can you do to focus the attention of the pundits and proclaim your relevance in this election? Use your voice to raise the awareness of the media to your power. Educate yourself about the issues that are important to you and the candidates' positions on them. Recognize that the problems you face as a Sandwiched Boomer, caring for your aging parents and growing children, are not unique to you but rather are typical of your group. Advocate for solutions. Check out www.dividedwefail.org, an AARP-based nonpartisan website encouraging the midlife electorate to become involved and knowledgeable. Then get out there and demand action.

Last week we touched on the lessons we can take from Veterans Day as we give thanks for the love of our own family members. Now that Thanksgiving is only a few days away, it becomes even more meaningful to express your gratitude for their presence in your life. Here are a few more ways to apply the message of Veterans Day to Thanksgiving.


Recognize the importance of revealing the love you have for each other. Those who have been in harm's way know the meaning of the words, "it's too late." Don't put off sharing your love; decide to make it a priority. Each day, acknowledge those you love, and who love you, as if it were your last.


Understand the value of friendship. Those in the service have trusted and leaned on each other as they've shared their experiences and relied on their camaraderie. Know that we are here to take care of our friends and family – close and extended – difficult though it may be at times.


Family and community support is there for the taking when you know where to look and how to ask for it. Be open to the reality that you might need to utilize the input and generosity of others. You are not diminished when you allow another to help you.


Draw upon your own strength. You will learn more about your capabilities when you are tested by hard times than when everything is going well for you. Resiliency is increased each time you get up and put one foot in front of the other. Bravery comes in many actions – facing an illness, providing for your family, starting a new career - not only on the battlefield.


Just as those in the foxholes feel the honest emotions of fear, anger, pain, guilt, anxiety and loneliness, allow yourself to experience these emotions when they are a part of your life. Sandwiched between caring for your offspring and your parents, you will feel stressed and anxious at times. Acknowledge these feelings, and then begin to deal with them.


If you remember the fragility and transience of life as you move through it, you will savor each good moment you have. To live your life to the fullest is a lasting mark of respect you can pay to your family and to the veterans who have sacrificed the innocence of their youth for you.


So after having paid tribute to the men and women of the Armed Services on Veterans Day, make a commitment to employ some of these techniques to honor your own family as you celebrate Thanksgiving together. You will find that, as a part of the Sandwich Generation, it makes your time with each member more meaningful and relevant.

Last week we began to talk about ways to connect with your aging parents and perpetuate the values they hold dear. Here are some more suggestions to guide you in this process.

Talk with your parents about their past and the stories of their lives. Their tales will become a part of how you remember them. Through you, the history of your parents will be preserved from generation to generation. Look through their old photographs and listen to the memories they evoke. Video tape these conversations to have a lasting visual and oral record of them. View these family photos and videos as a slice of life - a gift for the future to be enjoyed by your children and grandchildren. Sarah loved seeing the pictures of her mother as a teenager, having fun with her friends at the beach. "Mom always worked so hard – she had two jobs when we were little – and I think it aged her tremendously. My children see her only as very old and infirm. When I show them pictures of her as a girl, full of energy and enthusiasm, she seems more real to them."

Identify what you consider to be your parents' personal strengths and talk with them about the strengths they remember in their own parents. Create a family strengths tree, focusing both on strengths that have been passed down and on those that are unique to each family member. You will have a concrete visual profile of your ancestors' virtues to guide you and your children. Toby recalled the impact that her father's character had on her. “He taught me so much about how to be a good human being just by the way he treated everyone around him. I try to live up to his standard of morality every day in the way I live my life.”

Consult with books or Internet websites to help your parents create an ethical will. Your family will be enriched by their legacy - knowing what they believed in, their values and rituals, and how they lived their lives. Remaining emotionally open during this interactive process can help you better understand your parents as well as yourself and your own personal goals. Shortly before he died, Lynn and her father wrote down some of his thoughts and answers to the questions they had discussed. Now when she feels troubled, she spends time rereading her journal. “Dad lived to age 92. He is always in my mind and I have the words we wrote together to ground me. He was the only one who could make me feel stronger, and I always think about the way he would want me to handle myself in difficult situations.”

Going through the process with your aging parents may even give you a head start on thinking about your own ethical will. What values do you want to pass on to your children? How can you role model these for them today? How can you live your life now as if these values really are important to you? How you answer these kinds of questions to yourself can help you create your own legacy of meaning for your children and grandchildren over the next decades.