Coping With Your Aging Dad on Father's Day

Father's Day gives us the chance to salute our dads and say thanks for all they're done for us. As a young girl, mine taught me how to swim, stand on my head and play tennis; as a teen, how to be responsible and accomplish my goals; as an adult how to feel cherished. As we all grow and mature, our relationships with our fathers change but the bond of love is constant.

If your dad has become more fragile as he ages, it's likely that your connection has been transformed. As more Baby Boomers become caretakers for their aging fathers, the stress of struggling with the issues this raises can be overwhelming. It's easy to become weighed down by the duties and responsibilities of caring for Dad. When you feel sandwiched between the demands of career and family, try these tips to help sustain you:

Get help. You don't have to do it alone. Reach out, create a network, hire someone to assist Dad as often as you think it's necessary. Have support systems in place, even if it's over his objections. Make good use of community interventions, respite care, support groups and adult caregiver resources.

Involve your siblings. Be honest with your family about your needs. Engage them in the problems and the solutions. Ask for practical help and delegate responsibilities. Have them set aside personal agendas and work together toward goals on which you've agreed.

Consider your present challenge as a teachable moment. Learn from the experience and apply these lessons to other areas of your life. What insight have you gained about dealing with your own healthy aging process? How can you talk to your children about your wishes when you become older?

Look for positives. Think less about what you're losing and more about the chance you may be gaining. Spending more time with your father, you'll have the opportunity to give back to him emotionally what he's given to you. And you may learn a lot about yourself and your capacity for resiliency as you care for Dad in the last years of his life.

If you're part of the Sandwich Generation, these may be especially difficult times. Rely on whatever sustains you as you search for a way to nourish yourself. Call on friends for support as well as your faith, spirituality, and sense of humor.

This weekend, if you can, let Dad know how much you appreciate the role he has played in your life. If your father is no longer alive, share stories about him with your children and grandchildren so they will know the kind of man he was. And a very Happy Father's Day to all the men in our lives.

More about Teens and Substance Abuse

Whitney Houston’s daughter Bobbi Kristina is left to face the world without her mother’s guidance. Apparently she has also struggled with substance abuse and family close to her are worried about her. If you're having a hard time coping, find the tools that can make a difference in your life. And trust yourself as you look inside for understanding and answers to your problems.

Honor your body. Notice what makes you feel better. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Reduce the situations that cause stress and increase the ones that make you feel healthier and more alive. Spend time relaxing and rejuvenating as you counteract burnout. Attend to your mind and your spirit - set aside quiet time to practice your own form of meditation.

Implement what you know about resiliency. Recognize how your character strengths support what you do. Integrate your values and ideals into how you view the world. Knowledge is power, so use it to your advantage. Gather information about ways to deal with how you are feeling - explore Internet search engines or the self-help section of bookstores. Release tension through laughter and watch yourself begin to bounce back.

Find perspective. Whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, adjusting to changes in your identity or making a slow transition into the next chapter of your life, expect a cascade of feelings - anxiety, the desire to hold on, resentment, sadness, fear, eventually a sense of freedom. The emotional roller coaster ride is normal. If you have the fortitude to step back, take a deep breath and face the situation squarely, you can't help but grow from the challenges.

Although addictive tendencies can be inherited, there’s good news. Research indicates that teens with close family ties are less likely to be vulnerable. It turns out that ‘hugs not drugs’ may have a basis in reality. Let’s hope Bobbi Kristina uses the emotional pain as a chance to grow. And that her family continues to give her the support she needs during this painful time.

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National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Thriving after any serious illness is complicated and sometimes feels like an uphill struggle. Today's coping tips can help you support yourself - emotionally and physically - along the difficult course of dealing with beast cancer and its treatments.

As you move through this process, you find that staying informed and involved at each step gives a sense of power and resiliency. The National Cancer Institute, a part of NIH, has a wide range of materials to make this job easier. And here are some more tips to help you take charge of your life:

Accept your changing emotions as normal and give yourself permission to express them. After a brush with cancer, it is normal to feel many different emotions such as anger, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, stress or loss of control. It's OK to express these to people you trust and acknowledge them to yourself. Only then can you begin to cope with them.

Recognize the changes in your body. You may feel that your body has betrayed you, leaving you feeling vulnerable and with a loss of innocence about your own invincibility. You may need to grieve this loss. In addition, you may be experiencing side effects of the treatment such as fatigue, stiffness, lymphedema, weight gain, as well as menopausal symptoms. Once you clarify how your body is reacting, you can address each of the symptoms and alleviate them.

Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Follow the guidelines of the American Cancer Society and set aside time for you. Begin an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really like to do and do it. Of course this is easier to say than it may be to do, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

Take credit for the challenge you have faced and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in your process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work you have completed to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned about yourself and made changes in the way you think, feel, act and react to yourself, others and the situation around you.

We celebrate your survival with you! You reflect the unity of women who are surviving breast cancer - and the men who love you.

Tough Enough to Wear Pink

Now that October - designated as National Breast Cancer Awareness Month - is here, a focus for women is early detection and improved treatments. As a breast cancer survivor myself, I have participated in many Walks over the years and this weekend I again joined with other families to raise funds for finding a cure. Each time I have walked with others to support research, I find that what we really support is each other. The camaraderie and sisterhood that comes from walking together and working together to fight breast cancer transforms a feeling of helplessness to a powerful sense of control.

Worldwide over 1 million women are diagnosed with breast cancer every year. Other than skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common one facing American women today. The likelihood is that 1 in 8 women in America will need to cope with this disease during her lifetime.

With mammography, MRI and physical exams leading to early detection, most breast cancers can be successfully treated today. With improved therapies, there are between 2 and 3 million American women living today who have survived breast cancer. As breast cancer survivors have learned, coping with any serious illness can take a toll on you - emotionally as well as physically. We've got some tips this week to help manage your recovery so that you can move forward with your life and become more resilient:

Turn to others for support. Your family and friends can provide a network of comfort, encouragement and assistance. You may also want to join a breast cancer support group, either in person or on-line. Support is helpful in several ways - it gives you someone to listen to you when you need to express yourself, someone to give you information and feedback, someone to help you with practical matters such as an errand that needs to be done. Support will be there for you if you look for it. It may feel awkward at first to ask for help, but you'll find friends want to do what they can for you.

Begin to set new goals for yourself. When you're first diagnosed with breast cancer, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on what priorities are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. You may want to start a journal to help you consider strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

Look for ways to draw something positive out of the experience. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in such a negative situation often experience growth as well as a greater sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful. Nancy G. Brinker supported her sister Susan in her unsuccessful fight against breast cancer and later founded Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It has become the world's largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists and the largest source of nonprofit funds dedicated to winning the fight Susan ultimately lost.

You may feel overwhelmed by the challenges you are facing after breast cancer and that you don't have the energy to cope with it all. Remember that just as in a 5K walk, when you begin to put one foot in front of the other, you will eventually get to where you want to be. And you may even arrive with a new perspective and a greater appreciation of the preciousness of your life.

Resiliency Among the Israelis

You've probably noticed that we often blog about building resiliency and moving forward after experiencing difficult challenges. I'm just back from Israel, a country filled with some of the most resilient people in the world. Native Israelis are called Sabras - after the cactus - tough and prickly on the outside but soft and juicy on the inside. I've been wondering how the Israeli's remain creative, optimistic, and involved in the midst of the stresses they face every day.

We found that the country is filled with people working energetically to invent new technologies, improve the lives of others, create beauty in their surroundings. They seem to focus their energies on innovation rather than stagnation and hope rather than despair. Some say the crane is the national bird of Israel - not one that flies but the large construction machines you see everywhere involved in the new buildings.

As we were leaving, I asked the taxicab driver how he was a able to remain cheerful every day and he remarked, "I look forward not backward. And I'm a dreamer. I try to achieve 60% of my dreams."

How about you? What are your dreams? What are you doing to make them happen? If you're a Sandwiched Boomer, caring for aging parents while you are still raising growing children, your stress levels may make it difficult to nourish yourself at the same time. Tune in on Wednesday and you'll find some tips to help you too work toward accomplishing your goals and building your resiliency when you meet barriers along the way.

Are You Feeling Down? Is Your Guy?

In today's society, it seems like there's a lot going on to get us depressed - the economy is still stalled, radioactive water is seeping into the Pacific Ocean around Japan, civil wars are breaking out in Africa and the Middle East, just for starters. Has absorbing all of this thrown you into a tailspin? We've talked before here on the blog about how to cope with your own stress and blues, how to rebuild a sense of resiliency to buffer you from anxiety and worry, and how to help your children when they are feeling pressured by the events around them.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Now we've heard from Jed Diamond, Ph.D., that we need to pay attention to the men in our lives too - according to Jed, they are beginning to catch up to women in their rates of depression. With cases of male depression traditionally being underreported, the concern, among Jed and others researching the issue, is that with the current economic stagnation, the rates of male depression and even suicide will rise even higher. Since men have been laid off in greater numbers and percentages during this economic downturn, it has been labeled a "mancession" by some.

When Jed joined us here for a virtual book tour, he discussed how male depression often manifests in irritable, mean behavior rather than in the symptoms we typically expect. His book, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome, highlights signs to notice that could be an indication of these deeper emotional concerns in your guy. You can find out more about this new epidemic on Jed's website.

And to learn about some of our Nourishing Relationships practical tips for managing the pressures you and your family face in these tough economic times, look for our empowering ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success. It's available through our website, Her Mentor Center.

Surviving Breast Cancer

As you recognize from all the pink ribbons around, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. Yet soon the month will be over and done - just as breast cancer can be diagnosed and treated. Between 2 and 3 million American women today have survived this health challenge and are living cancer-free. But thriving after any serious illness is complicated and sometimes feels like an uphill struggle.

Today's coping tips can help you support yourself - emotionally and physically - along the difficult course of dealing with breast cancer and its treatments. As women move through this process, many find that staying informed and involved at each step gives them a sense of power and resiliency. The National Cancer Institute, a part of NIH, has a wide range of materials to make this job easier. Here are some more tips from us to help you take charge of your life.

Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Follow the guidelines of the American Cancer Society and set aside time for you. Begin an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really like to do and do it. Of course this is easier to say than it may be to do, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

Redirect yourself toward active goal setting. When a serious illness strikes, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on what priorities are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. Journaling may be helpful as you consider strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

Make something positive come out of the situation. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in such a negative situation often experience growth as well as a greater sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful. Nancy G. Brinker supported her sister Susan in her unsuccessful fight against breast cancer and later founded Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It has become the world's largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists and the largest source of nonprofit funds dedicated to winning the fight Susan ultimately lost.

Take credit for the challenge you have faced and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in your process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work you have completed to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned about yourself and made changes in the way you think, feel, act and react to yourself, others and the situation around you.

You can read one woman's story about her experiences with breast cancer on our website in an early newsletter. Feel free to browse around and read other archived newsletters that interest you. Then sign up to receive your own copy of our free monthly newsletter in its new format, Stepping Stones, emailed directly to you. When you do, you'll receive a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Resiliency in Difficult Times

Do you feel inundated by bad news coming at you from all sides? The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is spreading and the gushing thousands of feet below the surface has yet to be fully contained; new unemployment figures in the U.S. confirm the dismal private sector job creation that continues to lag; international conflicts rage and at home citizens are divided about immigrants' rights. World news reflects the tensions you may be feeling in your own relationships. How do you deal with the challenges coming from the rich but often problematic complexity of your family life? Here are some tips for you:

Draw upon your own strength. You will learn more about your capabilities when you are tested by hard times than when everything is going well for you. Resiliency is increased each time you get up and put one foot in front of the other. Bravery comes in many actions - facing an illness, providing for your family, starting a new career - not only on the battlefield. To learn more about identifying your Character Strengths, visit the Authentic Happpiness website and take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths. Use the ones that seem to define you - Signature Strengths - to support your progress through tough times.

Just as those in the foxholes feel the honest emotions of fear, anger, pain, guilt, anxiety and loneliness, allow yourself to experience these emotions when they are a part of your life.

Especially if you are a Sandwiched Boomer, it's easy to become overwhelmed by all you have on your plate. Torn between caring for your growing children and aging parents, it's normal to feel stressed and anxious at times. Don't blame yourself. Once you are able to acknowledge these feelings, then you can begin the long process of coping with them.

If you remember the fragility and transience of life as you move through it, you will savor each good moment you have. Integrate and reflect on all you have achieved in balancing your work and family with your own needs. Living your life to the fullest is a lasting mark of respect you can pay to your family and to the veterans you honored this week who have sacrificed the innocence of their youth for you.

For some role models of courage, look to the left of this post. When you sign up for our monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, you will receive a link to a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned. There you'll find stories of resiliency and practical strategies for success in difficult times.

NBCAM and Dealing with Breast Cancer

As women move through the steps of coping with breast cancer and its treatments, many find that staying informed and involved in the process gives them a sense of power and resiliency. Here are some more tips to help you take charge of your life.

Redirect yourself toward active goal setting. When a serious illness strikes, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on what priorities are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. Journaling may be helpful as you consider strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

Make something positive come out of the situation. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in such a negative situation often experience growth as well as a greater sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful.

When you feel like it is almost too much to get started making a change, reflect on how inertia can hamper your efforts to cope. Click on the post title above to take you to our website and the article, "Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia." They will help give you just the push you need to begin.

Today's pink ribbon is by Rachel Meinz and can be found on Carol Sutton's site, http://www.carolsutton.net/download_pink-ribbon.html

On Stage, Michael Jackson Felt Alive

Yes, being on stage made Michael Jackson feel alive. And his love of dancing and singing - obvious to anyone who saw him perform - thrilled his fans. In efforts to savor the memories, fans worldwide have bought more than 9 million of Michael Jackson's albums since his death.



Try to think about what makes you feel alive - especially if you or loved ones are struggling emotionally at this time. Implement some of these ideas and see if they help:

Honor your body by noticing what makes you feel better, both physically and emotionally. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Reduce the situations that cause stress and increase the ones that make you feel healthier and more alive. Spend time relaxing and rejuvenating as you counteract burnout. Attend to your mind and your spirit - set aside quiet time to practice your own form of meditation.

Implement what you know about resiliency. Recognize how your character strengths support what you do. Integrate your values and ideals into how you view the world. Knowledge is power, so use it to your advantage. Gather information about ways to deal with how you are feeling - explore Internet search engines or the self-help section of bookstores. Release tension through laughter and watch yourself begin to bounce back.

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and more tips on How to Nurture Yourself.

Video Tips for Keeping Your Perspective in a Recession

Redefining a crisis as a challenge gives you the power to begin, step by step, coping with the situation. See the changes you need to make in this recession as the opportunity to create a more fulfilling life for yourself and your family. Recognizing your strengths and resources keeps you optimistic and resilient. Click on the video for 10-second tips about keeping your perspective in this recession.



For more tips about how to stay positive during this economic recession, click on the title above. It will link you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, "Five Ways Sandwiched Boomers Can think Positive in Tough Times."

Teamwork and Resiliency Pay Off

We are learning more details about how Captain Phillips was rescued from the pirates who were holding him hostage and threatening to kill him. Here are some of the strategies they used to save him. Can you, Sandwiched Boomer or not, use them in your own life as well?

Think outside the box. Capt. Phillips seemed to be going along with the pirates' commands but he stayed alert and constantly thought about what he could do, first, to save his crew and cargo and then himself. He paid attention to his captors' behavior and tried to escape, surprising them by jumping out into the ocean. When that attempt failed, he continued to be attentive to rescue efforts so that he could play his part. You too can be creative when you are faced with a seemingly impossible situation. Often you can improvise when a solution doesn't readily appear. Use your strength and develop resiliency. Your plan may not work at first but keep working on new plans to implement.

Recognize and use all your resources. The rescue of Capt. Phillips required the coordinated efforts of the U.S. Navy command, their ships and personnel, the Seals, merchant ships, the FBI, even President Obama. While you may not have these resources at your fingertips, you do have friends, extended family and community services to help you through the challenges you face. Learn to cooperate with others and use teamwork as you strategize and act to accomplish your goals.

When you click on the title above you can read an article on our website giving you some tips about how to use your personal resources to accomplish your goals, 8 Strategies to Turn Your New Year's Resolutions into Reality.

Suleman Preparing Octuplets to Leave Hospital

It seems as if the first of Nadya Suleman's octuplets will soon be discharged from the hospital. This is when she needs to hone her de-stressing skills. As Sandwiched Boomers, your plate must be full as well. Click on the title of this post to read an article on Nourishing the Sandwich that is You. And what follows are some tips that will help you cope:

Honor your body by understanding what makes you feel better, both physically and emotionally. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Reduce the situations that cause stress and increase the ones that make you feel more relaxed or alive.

Forgive others who are important to you for some past wrongdoing. Watch their reaction and see how that makes you feel. That doesn’t mean you have to totally forget about it. If you had a dysfunctional upbringing, try to understand the problems it is causing you now. Learn a lesson from the situation and move on, especially for your own good.

Practice what you know about resiliency. Recognize how your character strengths support what you do. Integrate your core values and personal ideals into how you view the world. Notice the effect your attitudes and behavior have on other people in your life. Release tension through laughter and watch yourself begin to bounce back.

The Academy Awards and Sandwiched Boomers

The 81st Academy Awards presented last night might seem to be an unlikely place for Sandwiched Boomers to look for role models. After all, the red carpet doesn't exactly represent the clothes and shoes in our closets or the figures reflected back to us in our mirrors each morning. So what lessons can we take from the Oscars? Instead of focusing on the fashions, this week we'll take a look at the winners and the examples they provide.

Work around obstacles placed in your path. Well-known now is the saga of Slumdog Millionaire, which almost didn't make it to the wide screens. The determination of director Danny Boyle and others connected with the film to find funding and a distributor after they lost their original backing led to the Oscar for best picture rather than directly to a place at the bottom of your queue at Netflix.

Have a Plan B ready. What do you do when your original plans don't work out? Give up in despair or brainstorm other means of getting to your goal? When you resolve to apply your energy and skills to get what you want, you will find that often the path of your Plan B ends at the same target you had in your sights. So when things don't seem to be going your way, hang in there and give it another try. You may not become a millionaire, but you can become a winner in life.

Look at life as a series of opportunities. Even host Hugh Jackman can teach us something about taking risks and going all out for something we believe in. As he revealed to Barbara Walters in his interview, he chose to define his pre-Oscar feelings as excitement not nervousness.

To learn more about how you can move away from pessimism and instead build an optimistic outlook, click on the title above. It will take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article entitled, How Boomers Can Sing Rock & Roll Instead of the Blues. And tune in tomorrow for more tips on how to develop your own strength and resiliency.

No one can deny that the national conversation has become depressing. Sandwiched Boomers, with the responsibilitty of caring for their children and parents, are scared about the deep economic propblems. Some find it difficult to get up in the morning when all they hear about is tumbling home prices, an increase in unemployment and the falling stock market. Pundits exclaim that the American dream is dying on the vine and that we are all suffering from bankrupt spirits.

Even though our country is going through a very difficult time, the worst thing to do is panic. Cultural pain is common and normal in crisis and, as a nation, we are now being adversity-tested. After all, isn't necessity the mother of invention? As you rise to the challenges this week, we will be offering tips to help you develop your inner strength and resiliency.

You know about physical fitness. Apply some of these principals to becoming more psychologically fit. Examine your usual pattern and begin an emotional training program. In addition to paying attention to nutritious eating and regular exercise, examine the negative concerns that get your attention. Notice how dwelling on these make you feel worse about yourself and the situation. It's time to stop these thoughts. And begin to discover the active steps you can take to change them from negative to more positive - or, at least, find ways to neutralize them.

As Sandwiched Boomers, it's easy to become weighed down by the duties and responsibilities of caring for an aging father. But as we join together to honor our dad's on Sunday, lets consider the positive results of this complex relationship as well.

See the present challenge as a teachable moment and make the most of learning whatever you can. Apply these lessons to other areas of your life. What insight have you gained about dealing with your own aging process? How can you talk to your children about your wishes when you become older?

Look for all of the positives in these tough times. Gloria was learning a lot about herself as she cared for her dad in the last months of his life. "I had never really been tested like this before. Sometimes caring for him seemed like more than I could endure, but I kept going. Now I know how strong I can be." In the end, think less about what you're losing and more about the chance you may be gaining. This could be the only time in your life that you have the opportunity to give back to your father emotionally what he has given to you

As you are discovering more about developing your own capacity for resiliency, you will find the way to nourish yourself. You may call on your faith, your spirituality, or your sense of humor. Rely on whatever sustains you during these most difficult moments. And we hope you enjoy a happy Father's Day.