How Kids Respond to Trauma

I am just back from a family vacation--three generations, five grandsons ages 6-11. I had a front row seat watching the boys compete in sports, sing rap songs, climb mountains, tease each other. No little guys anymore. With the older ones almost as tall as I am, and knowing the vulnerability that comes with adolescence, I have concerns. How do we keep growing kids emotionally safe as they become interested in the world around them--especially when the news reports regularly cover mass murders, war casualties, and terror alerts?

Studies show that close to 4% of teenage boys and more than 6% of teenage girls suffer from post-traumatic stress, exhibiting symptoms similar to adults. And the reactions of younger children are strongly affected by their parents’ response to stress. Those ages 5-12 are more likely to withdraw, become disruptive, have nightmares or complain of physical problems.

You don’t have to personally experience abuse, neglect or trauma to feel anxiety and stress. Second-hand exposure to major acts of violence can also be traumatic. This includes seeing or hearing about death and destruction after a building is bombed or a plane crashes. With the impact of mass media and easy access to the Internet, children today are exposed to lots of situations that can cause them to worry. And when your conversations focus on suffering or tragedy, you can bet that your kids are often listening more closely than you think.

You know what your family needs and how to provide a sense of security.

Explain that scared, angry or sad feelings are normal and will fade when they ask questions and talk about what’s going on. As you supervise the flow of information, encourage them to tell you what their friends are saying, so you can clarify any distortions. Reassure them that they’re safe no matter what thoughts they’re having. All this will help them reframe their ideas rather than fall prey to emotion.

Readers, tell us about how you teach your kids to keep the harmful effects of stress at a minimum. And log on again Wednesday for more ideas about helping kids take precautions and feel safe while still not letting fear win.

Reaching Out

In America, we've received another blow to the gut as we are reminded of how lives can change in an instant. The horrific shootings in Aurora, Colorado cast a pale over what was meant to be an entertaining evening respite. Over the weekend, information flowed in from the media, putting individual faces on the victims and outlining many heroic actions of people attempting to shield others from harm and helping those who were already injured.

Ironically, one young woman who was killed, Jessica Ghawi, had earlier survived another shooting at a mall in Canada and had blogged about her experience at that time, I was shown how fragile life was on Saturday. I saw the terror on bystanders' faces. I saw the victims of a senseless crime. I saw lives change. I was reminded that we don't know when or where our time on Earth will end. When or where we will breathe our last breath. Her words are even more haunting now that she is dead.

 

As we face acts of senseless violence like these, we instinctively join together as a community to support one another. When it feels like our safety and security is threatened by an event like this, we seek a solid footing to ground us. We feel less overwhelmed and vulnerable when we experience the touch of another. 

You already know that, in caring for your own family, a hug and kiss can help reduce the pain – emotional and physical. And talking to those in your support system relieves some of your stress, anxiety and fear. So open up to your friends and family about your feelings and thoughts - they can validate your emotions and begin the healing process. And giving a helping hand to others does wonders - it provides aide to those in need and makes you feel useful too.

We may try to understand the reasons behind the attack in an attempt to gain more control over any future chaos. But while so-called pundits will offer explanations about the perpetrator, we really don't yet know what motivated him to conceive of and execute such a terrible plan. What we do know is that reaching out to comfort others in pain and to ask friends and family for support ourselves when we need it creates a resilient, caring community for all of us.

When those under stress join together to sustain each other, we all benefit. Through sharing our common concerns and life experiences we gain a sense of camaraderie, understanding and acceptance. Our mutual support helps diminish the feelings of isolation, anxiety and helplessness and brings a sense of control back into our lives.

In the future we can reflect on what this most recent terrible shooting means to our society but in the meantime, let's join hands with others, empowering us all, and declare our humanity and solidarity with the good in our world.

Caring for the Caregiver

If you're a member of the Sandwich Generation, you want to care for those you care about. But, at times, the emotional stress of nurturing multiple generations can be overwhelming. There are demands from every direction and you often have too little time, too little money, and too little help.

Photo courtesy of gbaku - flickr.com

The best way to have patience and compassion for your aging parents and growing kids is learn to be patient and compassionate with yourself. Here are tips on how to do just that:

Balance for the caregiver. Find a happy medium between your responsibilities to others and to yourself. Take a break for a long walk, a nap or a yoga class. Spend time with a friend who makes you smile. Release tension by watching a sitcom or a funny movie. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins and a good mood helps you make better decisions.

Embrace change. As you set goals and move toward them, continue an active process of getting to know your true self. Write about your passions as well as what you really value, care about and want. An unused journal won't help make your dreams come true but a well loved and often used one might do just that.

Start a play revolution. Think about your fondest memories of playing as a child. There must be similar activities you could integrate into your life right now. How can you reconnect to your creative and playful side? And how far are you willing to go outside your comfort zone? Just imagine the potential benefits to your physical health, level of happiness and feelings of wellbeing.

Build resilience. Although you can't prevent what happens to you, you can have some control over how you handle it. Work on changing your mindset. If you reframe your pessimistic thoughts, you can turn anxiety into energy. A good attitude can make a difference, so look for the lessons in what you're going through.

This month, as we celebrate you, Sandwich Generation caregivers, try to love yourself. If you don’t feel that you have control over your life, set limits that work for you. And let others lend a helping hand and give back some of the love you deserve.

Have Some ‘Catch-up’ with Your Sandwich Generation

July is Sandwich Generation month. According to a 2011 report from the Pew Research center, 30 million Americans are unpaid care-givers for their aging parents. And many of them are still raising children or supporting a boomerang kid.

Photo courtesy of social media arts - flickr.com

If you’re a member of the Sandwich Generation, you know that there's a lot to chew on. When your secretary says there’s a nurse on the line, do you wonder if it’s the school or the cardiac care unit? It can be a struggle when you’re worried about your children, your folks, and how you're going to pay for it all.

This month, when we honor those sandwiched between growing kids and parents in decline, it’s the perfect time to play catch-up with yourself. You can create new scripts instead of resorting to old thought patterns that bring you down. Here are 7 ideas that can help change your perspective and your quality of life:

Attend to your needs. Let frustration, exhaustion, or guilt wash over you but try not to give in to them. As you assume greater responsibility for your parents, make nurturing yourself a priority. If you’re feeling centered when your teens are pushing the limits, you’re better able to meet the challenges. You deserve to take better care of your emotional self.

Release emotions. If you have pent up feelings about particular family members, writing can be cathartic. It helps you regulate negative emotions and savor positive ones. Let go of judgment and you'll open up to a deeper, more expressive experience. Read between the lines of your journal and trust what you discover - ways to resolve conflict, to gain closure, to find inner strength.

Seek solitude. Set limits by saying 'no' to others and 'yes' to yourself. A physical place with little opportunity for distraction will free up your thoughts. Try not to worry about mistakes from the past or what the future will bring. Carve out quiet time each day and discover what brings you peace of mind.

We want to hear from you - tell us about your greatest challenges and how you're managing them. And please log on again on Wednesday for more practical tips about nourishing your family without staving yourself.

Send Your Kids to Camp and Improve Your Marriage

Does the thought of sleep-away camp stir up anxiety for your children and for you? Of course, there are unknowns in any unfamiliar situation. Yet camp is a great opportunity for kids to develop their interests, confidence and independence.

And believe it or not, sleep-away camp can be the best thing for your marriage. As a member of the sandwich generation, caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, your life is more than full. I bet it’s been quite a while since you had meaningful time alone with your partner. So here are four tips that can help you relax into the comfort of a totally adult relationship:

Invest in each other. When you’re managing an active family and a demanding career, your marriage often ends up on the back burner. Now you can focus on your relationship, just as you would any valuable asset. You’ll feel treasured as the emotional dividends grow.

Give the gift of time. Take turns planning activities you'll both enjoy. Rent a bicycle built for two, walk on the beach or take a hike in the woods. Sneak away from work and meet at a museum or enjoy a picnic in the park. Surprise each other and be spontaneous with your affection.

Act like kids and laugh a lot. When the kids are around, all the organizing, cooking and laundry add to your stress. Let off steam, have fun and be playful. It’ll remind you about who you are at the core and why you fell in love.

Create romance and intimacy. If this has been on your 'to do' list for a long time, here's your chance to make it happen. No need to make love on the run. Turn on the music, light candles and share that bottle of wine you've been saving for a special occasion.

Time flies--before you know it, your campers will be home, talking about new friends and the good times they had. Throughout the school year, remember to savor the memories of your brief second honeymoon. And save your mad money to hold a place for them in camp next summer.

Acting Techniques for Everyday Life

If you missed the Virtual Book Tour on Wednesday's blog, scroll down for author Jane Marla Robbins' interview about Acting Techniques for Everyday Life.

Want to feel strong and relaxed no matter what you're doing? You'll find answers by clicking on 'comments' at the end of yesterday's post. Our readers' questions will resonate, and Jane's responses are insightful, thoughtful and honest.

Thanks, Jane, for ideas about how to feel more confident in many difficult family, work and social situations. Your techniques create a sense of well being so we can make our most uncomfortable moments less stressful.

Virtual Book Tour: Acting Techniques for Everyday Life

Readers, we're delighted you've joined our Virtual Book Tour today and a hearty welcome to author Jane Marla Robbins. We think that you'll be very interested in what this successful actress and performance coach has to say about her thought provoking book, Acting Techniques for Everyday Life: Look And Feel Self-Confident in Difficult Real Life Situations. So let's get started on some readers’ questions:

Nourishing Relationships: I am in a wonderful marriage, we don’t fight often, but when we do, I fall apart and I hate when that happens. Any tips?

Jane Marla Robbins: Actors often imagine personal images on the back wall of a theater. So, on the wall behind your husband, you might imagine some symbol of the love between you, some image of the good times you have shared. It could be the picture of Gustav Klimt’s famous lovers, if that makes you smile and trust in your love. Or it could be an image of you and your husband dancing when you just met and fell in love. Our bodies react to imaginary images, if we really see them, just as if their reality were actually there. Archetypal images are particularly powerful, and could help you to be grounded in the reality of your love instead of in a fear that your love will not survive the argument.

N R: My mother-in-law is sometimes so critical of me, I want to shrivel up and die. Are there any acting techniques I can use for being with her?

J M R: Let’s say your mother-in-law tells you you’re fat or stupid--or whatever insensitive label she manages to put on you. Try writing an Inner Monologue to say silently to yourself, as she’s criticizing you, or, worst case scenario, afterwards. It might include some of the following: “She isn’t really talking to me, she’s talking to herself. She hates herself. I’m okay. She’s mean. I should never expect love and support from her. If I want love and support, I have other people to whom I should go.”

You might write your Inner Monologue on a piece of paper and put it in your pocket. You can always just put your hand in your pocket, feel the piece of paper, and remember your truth. Writing down words on a piece of paper, words that remind us of our strength, or the insanity of our attacker, helps a lot of people.

N R: When I go out for dinner with my boyfriend and his friends, every time I begin to speak, my boyfriend interrupts--even though he’s complained that I don’t speak up enough when we’re with his friends.

J M R: Here’s the Acting Technique I suggest you use: Speak the Truth. Tom Hanks says the ability to tell the truth is essential for any good performance. A lot of people need to practice knowing what the truth is and how to speak it. And a lot of us need to learn when not to say it, if it will make a relationship worse. In this case, however, I would suggest that you Speak the Truth to your boyfriend, and tell him that it doesn’t help if he interrupts. After all, at least we know he wants you to speak up more! If you can’t speak this simple Truth to your boyfriend, maybe he’s not the right boyfriend. On the other hand, if you work up the courage to tell him, you may be surprised by his reaction. He might even stop interrupting. He might even apologize. (A good test.)

N R: My brother and his wife, who I luckily don’t see very often, are nevertheless quite nasty and mean to me when I do. Is there an Acting Technique you would recommend when I have to see them at our family functions?

J M R: The first time I consciously used an Acting Technique in my “real life” I was frankly amazed that it actually worked. I was having to spend time with a man who had just married into my family, and who apparently could not be in the same room with me without mocking me, belittling me, or somehow putting me down. The times I had to see him became unbearable.

Then one day I pretended he had leprosy. I just told myself, “He has leprosy.” I didn’t imagine boils on his face, or bones sticking out of his hands, I just said, “I’ll try it. I’ll pretend he has leprosy.” I was using a simple acting technique called the Magic As If. I merely acted As If he had leprosy. It worked.

For one thing, it helped me to avoid him. I was pretending he had some terrible disease I could actually catch, why would I have wanted to get near him? So for starters I never got close enough for him to start in. The odd thing about my adventure with leprosy is that the day after I tried it, the guy actually told his wife, “Jane seemed better yesterday, didn’t you think?” Did he feel compassion from me for his disease (his meanness)? Or was it that, because I avoided him, he was no longer threatened by my energy, and therefore didn’t feel the need to try and diminish it or me? The bottom line is it worked; the abuse was over.

Leprosy may not work for you. If it doesn’t, you could of course substitute another disease for the people who upset you and from whom you may want to keep your distance. You can still love them (always a good idea!)--just don’t get too close!

N R: I just started dating someone, but I can feel myself wanting to rush into a relationship and I’m afraid she’s going to bolt. Any advice?

J M R: Try an actor’s “Inner Monologue.” Here’s one you might keep in your pocket and /or repeat in your head: “I enjoy building this relationship slowly.” Or, “I deserve to really know this person before I jump in the sac or marry them.” Or you might keep the Perfect Prop in your pocket, maybe a pair of glasses, to remind you really to see the larger picture here, to remind yourself really to see the woman. Not easy after only two dates! Or you could bring along a doggy collar and leash in your pocket--to remind you to put on the brakes and slow down.

N R: I am newly married, I love my husband but I am not always comfortable with his family. I think they don’t like me, they’re not very nice to me.

J M R: Here’s what worked for one of my clients: when you’re with them, you might imagine seeing and smelling a bouquet of your favorite flower (or box of your favorite chocolates, or whatever makes you totally happy). Bottom line: you’ll be smiling. And no one will know why. More important, you will know why. This will give you an extra sense of power, so you won’t feel as uncomfortable or unhappy or like a victim with this “not very nice” family.

The bouquet (or its substitute) works not only because you will have tricked your body into believing your favorite flowers are in front of you, but also because you will have given a gift to yourself, a special gift, which, like any perfect present you might receive, can make you happy. Plus, you will have a secret. Secrets help us to feel powerful, because when we’re afraid, our body fears being robbed--of its self-confidence, joy and ultimately of its life. But when we have a secret, we know it cannot be stolen, because nobody knows that we have it in the first place.

The gift of the “bouquet” will also make you feel gifted and loved, just as you would feel if you were in fact given your favorite gift. And when you feel really loved, you cannot feel uncomfortable and afraid. Plus you will no longer be the passive victim, but consciously active, an actor in your own life.

N R: I’m suddenly nervous with someone I’ve just started dating and want to be cool. Any tips?

J M R: Here’s a technique to help you be not only “cool,’ but also Your Most Authentic, Relaxed and Best Self. It’s called Sense Memory. When, and only when you suddenly feel nervous, and not all you want to be (funny, charming, relaxed, smart, whatever), you would sensorily transform the person with whom you’re nervous into someone with whom you’re very comfortable. So you might smell your best friend’s perfume, or hear his or her laugh. Look at the person who may be making you nervous, and compare his or her hair to your Best Friend’s--Is it darker, longer? Or you could see your best friend’s eyes, with their mischievous glint, replacing the eyes of the person who makes you uncomfortable. Your whole body will relax AS IF the person with whom you feel fabulous is actually there.

N R: I have to see my ex, a difficult man. We have business to do and need to be together. Any advice?

J M R: Try Playing a Character. Meryl Streep always works for me. In extremis, sometimes playing a lion is needed. Your “Actor’s Adjustment” will be your secret. When you shake your head, only you will know it’s a lion’s mane, or that your nails are claws, should you need them.

N R: My boyfriend and I get into fights. They’re not that bad, but particularly when he gets angry, I get very upset. Is there an acting technique to help me with this?

J M R: Try finding the Perfect Prop, and even hold onto it in your pocket during an argument. It could be a piece of paper with your Inner Monologue, maybe with the words, “We will resolve this, we always do. We love each other.” You might also remind yourself that anger will not kill you. That said, it is always deeply upsetting for me to be with someone who is angry.

Other props might work--maybe a locket in your pocket from your most loving grandmother. Just touching it in the face of insanity could remind you of the people who love and support you, to remind you that the world is ultimately a safe and loving place. When we feel safe and loved, arguments are actually easy.

N R: I have a meeting with my boss. I like him, but I’m actually a little intimidated by him. I know our meetings would go better if I weren’t so intimidated. Is there an acting technique that might be helpful?

J M R: I’m suggesting you have an arsenal of Sensory Memories that make you feel strong and happy. Scientific experiments at Harvard show that using the right Sense Memory (which the medical establishment calls “guided sensory imagery”) can lower your blood pressure, as well as your pain and anxiety levels. In other words, if you use the right Sense Memory, you and your body actually get stronger. So, what makes you feel strong and courageous, instead of intimidated and afraid? An awesome waterfall? Then imagine one on the wall behind your interviewer. If you sensorially re-create one, your body will not know the difference between the real waterfall and the imaginary one. Our cells hold the reality of all our sensory memories, that’s how our bodies are wired.

The senses, as Pavlov proved, are a doorway to the unconscious. For example, if you were to imagine a lemon wedge in your hand, tried to smell it, feel it and taste the juice in your mouth, you would probably start salivating. If, on the other hand, you were simply to command yourself to salivate, which is an automatic, unconscious response, like discomfort or nervousness, it’s unlikely that you would.

So, don’t logically tell yourself not to be nervous for a meeting with someone that might make anybody nervous. But give yourself a pleasurable Sense Memory and see if you don’t start relaxing and even smiling. Use any or all of your senses. You might imagine you’re drinking champagne--but only if it makes you relaxed and open, not drunk and stupid. You’d imagine tasting it, smelling its sweetness, feeling the bubbles on your nose, feeling your body relax.

Or you could hear a piece of music that makes you feel strong. Samuel L. Jackson heard the theme from Star Wars in his head for his fight scene in Star Wars II. He says it galvanized him and made him feel powerful. Feeling “intimidated” is just feeling afraid; but when we feel strong, we’re so much less likely to be scared.

N R: There’s someone at work who just can’t help being mean to me. Is there an Acting Technique I could use to help me not want to cry?

J M R: One of my clients, whose brother is particularly hard for her to be with, sings the following lyrics to herself when she is with him, to the tune of “I Feel Pretty” from Westside Story: “I don’t like him, I don’t like him. He’s withholding and nasty and mean. I don’t like him, it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.” Scientific studies show that both words and music alter our brain’s chemistry--whether actually heard or imagined.

Thanks, Jane, for such insight and thorough responses. Now, readers, it's your turn to share your thoughts and ask Jane questions. Just click on 'comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'anonymous' - it's as easy as that. And if you want to learn more about Jane and her work, spend some time on her website.

2012 Graduates: Moving back Home

This year over 1.75 million students will walk across the stage to pick up a diploma. College seniors everywhere are anticipating graduation and their parents are thinking about words of wisdom to impart. With the scarcity of jobs and school loans due, it may be harder than ever for these kidults to engage in adult roles. If your brand new graduates are about to boomerang back home, here’s some practical insight to share:

Face uncertainty with a positive attitude. You can’t change the slow economic recovery but you can have control over how you handle it. Of course, you feel frustrated that you don’t have a job or anxious about the future - these reactions are common and normal. But try to face your feelings directly as you explore the circumstances that will work for you.

Take control of your situation. It'll help you gain perspective and focus when you spend some time identifying your inner strengths and external resources. If you know that what you want is within your reach keep going after it, no matter how hard it is. Be sure to recognize the difference between what you can manage and what you can't.

Turn to those who support you. Family and friends care about you and you can count on them to cheer you on. They’ll be there to help because they love you and want to see you succeed. And remember, as you move ahead, you don’t have to do it alone - ask for help whenever you need it.

Make a public commitment. Talk with others about your present intentions and you’ll create a strong reality that will motivate you. As you begin to set and reach short term objectives for longer range goals, you’ll become even more determined. Although there may be stumbling blocks along the way, don’t give up.

Please click on ‘comments’ below to share your pearls of wisdom. And join us again on Wednesday – we’ll have more practical tips for your recently minted graduates.

The Sibling Bond and Aging Parents

We just got home from the Blue Ridge mountains of North Carolina and a reunion with my husband’s brothers and their wives.

Visiting with family always reminds me of how the internal scripts and imprinted patterns that shape us continue their impact throughout our lives. I guess a broad range of emotions weave the tapestry of family life for all of us.

Like the sagas of Cain and Abel or Rachel and Leah, stories about sibling bonds are fascinating. Archetypal tales interest us because relationships with our own brothers and sisters can have a mix of love and rivalry, pride and resentment. And sibling rivalry, with its complex feelings of guilt, can lead to a cascade of emotions - empathy, shame, even manipulation.

Think about the specific dynamics between you and your siblings and how they have played out over the years. It’s not unusual for kids to feel that mom had a favorite - what impact did this have on your family? And consider what defines your relationships - birth order, personality, values, common interests, similar character traits?

Now look at what's going on between you and your siblings as your parents begin to decline.

The statistics are staggering. According to estimates from the National Alliance for Caregiving, 65 million Americans serve as family caregivers for an ill, disabled or aging relative. That's 29 % of the adult U.S. population involving 31 percent of all households. Some provide 20 hours of care a week, and only 1 in 10 who get help from others think the care is split equally.

It’s difficult when you have to take time away from work and family. And then there’s the added stress of caring for parents in decline. When faced with this kind of dilemma, many of us revert back to less adaptive attitudes and behaviors. Siblings can become inflexible and competitive instead of cooperative and collaborative when managing family problems.

Click on ‘comments’ below and share how your family is dealing with these inevitable challenges. And log on here Wednesday for tips that may help you begin to sort things out.

Virtual Book Tour: Don't Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw

Today we welcome Roger Frame, Ph.D. to our blog to chat with us and answer questions about his new book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict. Dr. Frame, known as The Conflict Whisperer®, consults and conducts workshops across the United States on interpersonal conflict management issues. You’re sure to enjoy the book, filled with his quick humor and insightful techniques, just as we have. So let's get started.

Roger, how did you come to write this book, Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict?

Roger: When I completed my Ph.D., I took a job directing a 37 county child abuse treatment and prevention program through Southern Illinois University. I soon discovered that families do not generally become abusive because they are mean people. Rather, they become abusive because they are highly stressed, and don’t know a better alternative. When we provided training and support, 93 percent of those families had no subsequent reported abuse.

I married, adopted a child, and had a thriving private mental health counseling practice. Life was good. My wife subsequently earned her Ph.D. in counseling and obtained a university faculty position. Friends commented that our son wouldn’t have a chance with parents like us. They were wrong.

As my son entered his teen years, conflicts arose. Suddenly communication became more difficult. Six months after he graduated from high school, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. One month after the divorce was final, my employer announced that another company was purchasing them, and my position had been eliminated.

Clearly, my life was not going as planned. It would have been easy to blame the world. Look at all the grief it was causing me! But there was one common ingredient to all the distressing incidents. Me. And there was only one thing I could change. Me.

So how did you go about changing yourself?

Roger: Even though I knew a great deal about conflict, perhaps there was something more I could learn. Even though I did not have control over many unpleasant incidents, perhaps I could do better in some areas where I do have control. I began to research the topic of conflict resolution in more depth, and I found many subtle but crucial factors that might influence the outcome of critical conversations.

I began to practice them, tentatively at first. Then more confidently until, one day, my son came to me and said, “Dad, I need to turn my life around and I can’t do it where I am living. Can I move home and live with you.” I will never forget that day! Subsequently, I married a wonderful woman, and I can report that the principles work well among spouses as well.

I believe that the principles contained in this book have turned my life around. I hope it will help you as well. There is only one person in this world you really can change, and that is you. This is your call to begin today. In my private practice, I used a phoenix with the motto “New Life Emerging” as my logo. Is it time for your new life to emerge?

What are some of the main points you discuss in your book?

Roger: A major premise is that conflict is not based on reality, but rather on a person’s interpretation of that reality. Therefore, in order to resolve the conflict, both sides must understand how their partner interprets the situation, and what interests need to be met.

While many people suggest that we always seek win/win solutions, it isn’t that simple. One style of conflict resolution for all situations is no more appropriate than one style of clothing for all situations. Just as you wouldn’t wear a bikini to the prom, or your wedding dress to work in the garden, you need to vary your conflict resolution style according to the situation. The different styles all have strengths and weaknesses. You need to know what these are, and when to use them.

What other principles are important in resolving conflicts?

Roger: How you present your case will be crucial to your success. If you begin by accusing and berating your partner, they will become defensive. However, there are alternatives that we discuss in the book. Begin with facts, because they are less controversial. Provide reasons, so your proposal does not appear arbitrary. Make it safe to discuss candidly.

As I found in my own life, the teen years frequently bring more conflict into our home. This is not just because of hormones. Neurological changes that are occurring in the brain contribute as well. It is no accident that car rental companies won’t rent to people under 25 and auto insurance rates drop at age 25. At a time when stimulation seeking and risk taking are increasing, the part of the brain that inhibits impulsive behavior and considers consequences is not fully developed until the mid 20s.

Since all interactions do not get resolved the way we would like, I also discuss four elements needed to make an effective apology, and nine steps that can facilitate forgiveness when you are ready to do so. It is not necessary to reconcile and become good buddies with the perpetrator to forgive them. The chief beneficiary of forgiveness is generally the one doing the forgiving.

You have a chapter that uses fly-fishing as a metaphor for conflict resolution. Tell us about that.

Roger: I started out describing how children frequently bait their parents by saying or doing something that will get the parent’s reaction. When the parents “bite the hook,” the child is in control, the parent is caught and may soon be frying in the skillet. Then all sorts of metaphors came bounding into my head. I recalled that in fly fishing your first casting movement is away from the target followed by a movement forward. In conflict resolution you will be able to hit your target more effectively if you first understand your partner’s interests, (pull back from your interests) and then make your pitch (cast forward.) When a fish is in a stream, they must quickly decide whether or not to take the bait or lose interest. Children often complain that parents drone on and on and on, and the child tunes out. Parents must learn to make the pitch brief or the child will tune out.

Where can people get your book and seminars?

Roger: Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict is available in most bookstores, and online as an e-book. I also love to do live workshops, and keynote presentations. Just contact me at my website at www.TheConflictWhisperer.com, or www.RogerFrame.com.

Our thanks to you, Roger, for chatting with us here about your stimulating and engaging book.

Now, readers, the floor is open to you and your questions. Just click the "comments" link below and ask away. Roger will respond to you in the comments section.

Facebook and Mothering - What's the Connection?

With the sweet smell of Mother's Day flowers beginning towane but the chocolates well ensconced on our hips, let's talk about our relationshipswith family and friends - and why they're so important to us.

This week when Facebook goes public, its worth is expectedto be about 100 billion dollars. Yep, that's not a typo, it's $100 billion, ifthe IPO shares are priced around $35 each. With over 900 million active users,how has Facebook achieved such a record-breakingsuccess in less than 10 years? It's built its success on the assumption that weall want to connect with family and friends, telling them about ourselves indetail – our status, our timeline, our likes, our milestones, our photos, ourfriends. And a recent study from Harvard has identified why they are right.

Researchers have shown that it feels good to talk about ourselves, either virtually onsocial media sites or in person. And we spend a lot of time doing it. About 40%of the things we say on a daily basis are self-disclosure, how we think orfeel. Using brain imaging as well as behavioral criteria, they found thattalking about ourselves triggers the same pleasurable responses as food ormoney. Brain scans indicate that areas in the limbic system have more activitywhen we're sharing information about us, just as they do when we're feelingsatisfaction from food, money or sex. So it's no wonder that we choose to brag aboutourselves.

Some have said that this preference for self-disclosure mayhave played a role in the Mother's Day cover of Time Magazine – on which a twenty-something mom is breast-feedingher almost 4 year-old son. While breast-feeding can enhance physical bonding aswell as provide unique enrichment and protective nutrients to little ones, the cover story highlights the controversies stemming from extended nursing – one of three major tenants of attachmentparenting. What are your feelings about the duration of breast-feeding? About "baby-wearing?"About sharing a family bed?

Raising children is never easy and there is no one perfectway for everyone. What have you found works best for you in nurturing yourkids? How does this affect the relationship with your partner? Share yourthoughts through our "Comment" button below and become part of theconversation.

And be sure to join us Wednesday when "ConflictWhisperer" Roger Frame, Ph.D. visits to talk about his book, Don't Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict. He'll beanswering questions and introducing us to his tools for conflict management.

Difficult Moms and Mother's Day

When we’re young, it’s mom who gratifies our needs and takes care of our hurts. But she is also the first one to impose control and set limits. As we grow, memories of this primary and most powerful relationship are imprinted deep in our psyche.

It’s through attachments that we eventually learn who we are and what we feel. Some moms don’t acknowledge their kids as independent and set up coercive relationships with conditions on love and approval. In all stages of life, children with difficult mothers struggle with self doubt and worry others will disapprove of them.

Even though the media leads us to believe that all mothers deserve flowers on Mother’s Day, not all moms are lovable. So how can you protect yourself from rejection and keep your self respect while trying to regulate closeness and distance? Here are some ideas that can help you take better care of yourself on Mother's Day and throughout the year:

Let go of the dream of having a loving mother. It's hard to face the fact that you don’t have a 'good enough' mother. Once and for all, step back and stand up for you. Now is the time to shift the focus away from her and begin to protect and nurture yourself.

Be clear about what you're willing to do. Does your mother still have unreasonable expectations? Instead of her valuing what you do, perhaps she criticizes or argues in return. Make a list of what you’ll tolerate and try to keep firm boundaries. And don’t assume that you have to do it all alone. Talk honestly about how you feel and encourage family members to do their share. Some adult children have to work it out by walking away.

Refuse to respond to unrealistic demands. You may have other commitments or not feel like it. You’ll see that you create more balance by setting limits. You don't have to continue identifying with the role of the victim. Think about seeing a therapist - learning how to soothe yourself and manage your moods will put you more in control of your life.

Log on Wednesday to learn more about how to shift the focus to you, beginning on Mother’s Day.

Mommy Wars Post Tax Day

Moms continue to reflect and speak out about the economy – the nation’s and their own family’s. Women recognize that life can be full of stress and anxiety, especially when extra financial worries erupt at tax time. Whether you’re a work-at-home mom or pursue a career outside the house, we can all choose to attack the problems, not each other. These tips can help you become part of the solution as you develop a personal safety net to fall back on now and in other difficult times:

Reconsider your assumptions, refocus and reframe your thoughts. When you look at things from a different perspective, you’ll be able to come up with fresh ways to deal with the stresses you face. Expressing your gratitude for the gifts you have will create a better mood for you and those around you.

Gather information from counselors, Internet sites, seminars or self help books about how to minimize the impact of pressures you are now experiencing. Find out what resources are available in the community to help manage your tensions.

Practice relaxation techniques on a daily basis. Learn deep breathing or guided imagery to help you unwind and settle down. Go for a walk early in the morning and enjoy the sights, sounds, and aroma of the world just getting up. If you have a few minutes in the house, refresh and relax by putting your feet up and listening to some soothing music.

Ask for help and turn to those around you for support. When you let your friends and family know what you need from them, they are more likely to come to your aid. Clarify what’s necessary to achieve your goals. When you’re not feeling so overwhelmed by your responsibilities and commitments, your outlook will be more positive and optimistic.

Communicate honestly with your spouse, growing children and aging parents. Talk out disagreements before they become heated, out of control arguments. Don't put a lid on your emotions, just on expressing them in an aggressive manner. Instead, develop a direct, assertive style to express your needs. When conflicts arise, agree to be flexible and cooperative as you work toward reaching a compromise.

And lets use this same conversational etiquette when we talk with each other – about taxes, moms, women’s roles or politics. November is still six months away and we can help set a civil tone for the dialogue.

Tax Day Minus One and More

Women are used to multi-tasking, thinking about and dealing with many issues at the same time. Still, your head may be spinning today with the complex activities going on - Emancipation Day, the celebration of President Lincoln’s freeing of slaves in the District of Columbia 150 years ago, Patriot's Day with the 116th running of the Boston Marathon and Tax Day tomorrow when 144 million income tax returns are due to be filed.

Women and taxes are in the news again as the debate continues between moms who work in and outside the home – begun by Hilary Rosen’s comment about Ann Romney - while the Senate discusses the so-called Buffet Rule. Is our society ready to redefine caregiving as productive labor, with support and tax credits? Wherever you stand on these issues, you know that for women it’s a struggle to balance the logistical, emotional and financial demands of work and family. When you’re also caring for an aging parent, you may begin to feel overwhelmed by all of your responsibilities.

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer supporting both your growing children and aging parents, you may have already consulted with a tax advisor about claiming both sets as dependents. After all, you want to conserve as much of your nest egg as you can. With your reduced funds being stretched ever thinner in this economy by the generations surrounding you, Tax Day thrusts your finances front and center.

What about also considering the non-monetary contributions you make to your family in flux? The time, energy, thoughts and emotions you devote to your children and elderly parents can exhaust your core just as your expenses deplete your cash reserves. Are you beginning to feel like a woman on the verge? Instead, use your Tax Day perspective to try out these tips to improve your health and wellbeing:

Maintain balance as you invest your energies in family, career and yourself. You may not be able to attain the perfect level of achievement in any of these, but you can enjoy a sense of accomplishment in your growing strength. To avoid burnout as you shift between caring for your kids and your parents, set aside time for yourself.

Take better care of yourself. When you cope with stress before it becomes chronic, you're better able to take care of your loved ones as well as yourself. As you strive to limit your responsibilities to others, you'll find you have more time for fun and fulfillment in your own life. Go for it – you know you deserve it.

Check back with us again on Wednesday for more tips to help you through tax time. And for some suggestions about coping with stress due to economic troubles you may be facing, consider our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Working Moms: Setting Priorities

In Monday's post, we already established the fact that you're not about to abandon your work and family to-do lists. But you can identify your more personal priorities, whether it’s learning to play an instrument, returning to school or training for
Move ahead: Think about what you wanted to do today but couldn’t find the time to enjoy. It can define your priorities for tomorrow and help you stay on track in the face of the inevitable distractions. Mark this as the beginning of creating new rituals. Figure out specific activities to integrate into your regular routine - taking a walk during your lunch hour, meeting a friend for coffee once a week, writing in your journal or reading before bed. Carve out this time just for you and keep it sacred.

Savor your selfhood: Society sends mixed messages when it comes to taking care of ourselves. On one hand we’re taught to go after what we want, yet if we fight too hard we’re seen as selfish. Integrate your self-fulness as you practice saying ‘no’ to what may be presented as greater opportunities you can't resist. Because yielding to outside pressure and taking on more responsibility can amount to ignoring what may be in your own best interests.

The time frazzled woman has become a common archetype today. We’re socialized to be available to our spouse, children, parents, friends and boss. And the price we pay to please others is high. At what point do we learn that charity begins at home? Self esteem comes from having the courage to make tough choices, even if they’re unpopular. After all, if a long-term goal is to have our kids find personal fulfillment, shouldn’t we lead by example? Put yourself at the top of your

GEMS for Working Moms

Just as the women in this photo are admiring gems at the Pushkar Camel Fair in India, so can you find treasures for yourself in this blog post.

Is your life an endless cycle, revolving around work and taking care of the kids? If so, you’re not alone. In a recent study by the Families and Work Institute, more than half of American women say they don’t have enough time to spend on themselves and choose the activities they enjoy. We all know that saying ‘yes’ to more responsibility can make us feel safer with the boss and help us avoid conflict in the family. But too often ‘yes’ is our default mode with just about everything.

In a world of relentless demands, saying ‘no’ is highly underutilized. Of course, you can’t abandon the never ending to-do lists around work and domestic duties. But don’t you think you also deserve to identify your other, more personal priorities? Start now with these practical GEMS - Give it up, Evaluate, Move ahead, Savor. You'll see that they can help you put more sparkle in your life.

Give it up: As the gatekeeper, are you sometimes frustrated, stressed out or resentful about your workload and home chores? Recognize that some of the barriers are in your own head and shifting your standards is critical. Let go of the idea that you can do it all. And don’t beat yourself up about it. Guilt is a prevalent emotion for those who worry that they're not doing enough. Remind yourself that it’s OK to do less or to delegate, given the realities of your situation. Know that you’re dancing as fast as you can.

Evaluate here and now: You’ll make better choices if you step back and assess what you’re doing. Are you already exhausted by volunteering in your kids’ classrooms, coaching their soccer team and heading up the school fundraiser? Decide what makes the most sense for you and then prioritize. The same holds true with chores around the house. As long as you’re willing to do it all, others likely won’t step up to the plate.

Have you found some solutions as you struggle with setting priorities for yourself? Click on 'comments' below this post to share your gems with us. And log on here Wednesday for more usable tips, just for you.

More about Teens and Substance Abuse

Whitney Houston’s daughter Bobbi Kristina is left to face the world without her mother’s guidance. Apparently she has also struggled with substance abuse and family close to her are worried about her. If you're having a hard time coping, find the tools that can make a difference in your life. And trust yourself as you look inside for understanding and answers to your problems.

Honor your body. Notice what makes you feel better. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Reduce the situations that cause stress and increase the ones that make you feel healthier and more alive. Spend time relaxing and rejuvenating as you counteract burnout. Attend to your mind and your spirit - set aside quiet time to practice your own form of meditation.

Implement what you know about resiliency. Recognize how your character strengths support what you do. Integrate your values and ideals into how you view the world. Knowledge is power, so use it to your advantage. Gather information about ways to deal with how you are feeling - explore Internet search engines or the self-help section of bookstores. Release tension through laughter and watch yourself begin to bounce back.

Find perspective. Whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, adjusting to changes in your identity or making a slow transition into the next chapter of your life, expect a cascade of feelings - anxiety, the desire to hold on, resentment, sadness, fear, eventually a sense of freedom. The emotional roller coaster ride is normal. If you have the fortitude to step back, take a deep breath and face the situation squarely, you can't help but grow from the challenges.

Although addictive tendencies can be inherited, there’s good news. Research indicates that teens with close family ties are less likely to be vulnerable. It turns out that ‘hugs not drugs’ may have a basis in reality. Let’s hope Bobbi Kristina uses the emotional pain as a chance to grow. And that her family continues to give her the support she needs during this painful time.

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Enter Our Photo Contest

Tired of winter? Warm up your heart by going through some of your family photos. You'll enjoy reliving happy times. Maybe you'll reminisce with your children about when everyone was young and carefree. Or remember just last month when you all gathered to celebrate the holidays together. You can savor the love all over again.

Photo (c) Andres Rodriguez/Fotolia

Then be a part of our special contest. Enter and you can win the right to download a series of unique pictures from Fotolia.com. They'll be the perfect fit for your blog, website or newsletter. You can even use them to spice up your Facebook page.

Photo (c) Ambiance/Fotolia


Fotolia.com hosts a wide selection of unique royalty free images and they have generously offered to share some of them with you as an introduction to their site. The winner of our contest will be able to download 1 photo a day, at no charge, for a 30-day period.

Photo (c) Tim Osborne/FotoliaHIp

How do you enter? Take some time and choose a photo of your family that means a lot to you. Email it to us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com and include 2 or 3 sentences about the emotions this photo evokes for you and why that is.

We’ll be choosing a winner and announcing it on our blog Friday, March 9. And you'll see the winner's family photo and narrative on our post that day. So what are you waiting for? Join in and tell your friends about it.

Photo (c) Pavel Losevsky/Fotolia

Mail your submission to Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com by Monday, March 5 and get ready for the chance to download 30 unique and FREE images.


And join us again on Wednesday for a chat with Mark Saunders about his hilarious novel, Nobody Knows the Spanish I Speak. Mark will be available to answer your questions about his mid-life adventure when he dropped out, sold everything and moved to Mexico.

Photo (c) John Keith/Fotolia

Virtual Book Tour: Mother Daughter Show

Today we’re delighted to welcome Natalie Wexler to our Virtual Book Tour. Her recently published novel, The Mother Daughter Show, is both hilarious and poignant. We know it will appeal to anyone who's ever had a daughter, and to anyone who's ever been one. So let’s get started:

Nourishing Relationships: What inspired you to write The Mother Daughter Show?

Natalie Wexler: I wrote The Mother Daughter Show partly to try to maintain a sense of humor about a situation I found myself in - the real Mother Daughter Show, a longstanding tradition at Sidwell Friends School, where my daughter was a senior.

Every year the mothers of graduating senior girls write and perform a musical revue for their daughters, and it seems like almost every year peculiar things happen between the mothers. I wanted to understand why - what was it about this situation that made people act in ways they usually don’t? One obvious possible reason was that the senior year of high school is a stressful year, for mothers as well as daughters: there’s the pressure of applying to college, the stress of wondering where your child will get in, and the emotions stirred by the prospect of your precious little girl leaving the nest.

So I wanted to explore that, but I also saw the novel as an opportunity to write more broadly about the mother-daughter relationship. I gave each of my three main characters (Amanda, Susan, and Barb) a mother of her own as well as a teenage daughter, to allow for a multi-generational aspect to the book. There are tensions between these older mothers and daughters as well, and one of the mothers, Barb, is stretched thin caring for her ailing mother while trying to control her rebellious daughter.

Also, Susan and Amanda begin to see some parallels between the way they interact with their daughters and the way they’ve interacted - or perhaps still interact - with their own mothers. (There’s nothing like having a teenage daughter to give you some empathy for your own mother!) And Barb realizes that her difficulty confronting her daughter may be a reaction against her own mother’s penchant for criticism. Inevitably, our relationships with our kids are affected by our relationships with our own parents, one way or another, and I wanted to examine that.

N R: Who is your favorite character in the book, and why?

Natalie: I suppose I feel closest to Amanda, although she is no more “me” than any of the other characters are real individuals. But she fills the role that I did in planning the show, which is to say writing funny lyrics to a bunch of existing songs. Just as I did, she gets totally wrapped up in the creative process, unable to stop herself from churning out song lyric after song lyric, even when it becomes clear that other mothers want to take the show in a different direction.

I also sympathize with Amanda’s dilemma as a longtime stay-at-home mother who needs to make money and cherishes what seems to be an impossible dream: to find a job that not only pays well but also provides an outlet for her talents and gives her a sense of self-fulfillment. That can be tough at any point in life, but it’s a real challenge for someone in their fifties who’s been out of the workforce for twenty years - and is trying to re-enter it in the middle of a recession.

N R: What turned out to be your greatest challenge in writing The Mother Daughter Show?

Natalie: Coming up with a plot that worked. My first several drafts hewed much more closely to the show itself, and several readers told me that I needed more dramatic action. Apparently the mechanics of the show just weren’t that interesting to the general public! I wanted to keep the show as the background that framed the story, though, so the challenge was to come up with another plot that I could somehow shoehorn into the one I had. At first I didn’t think I could do it, but eventually I figured it out.

N R: Your own children attended an elite private school in D.C. How much of your story was drawn from real life?

Natalie: In terms of the details, not that much. To some extent I’m satirizing things that probably go on in any private school milieu (although as far as I’m aware, Sidwell is the only school that has a Mother Daughter Show - and I’ve learned they’ve decided to discontinue it). Of course, there’s a Washington, D.C. aspect that’s distinctive. For instance, a President’s daughter attends my fictional school, and the Obama girls currently attend Sidwell. But the Presidential daughter in the novel, who is an extremely minor character, is clearly not Sasha or Malia, any more than any of the characters are real people.

What I did borrow from real life about that situation is the excitement surrounding the presence of the First Family at the school, at least when they first got there (the novel begins in February 2009). In the book, tickets to the annual auction and the school play sell at an unprecedented rate, because people think the President and First Lady might show up. That really happened, more or less. Of course, as in the book, the President didn’t end up attending many school functions, apparently because he was a little preoccupied with trying to solve the nation’s problems.

All that having been said, I think many of the themes in the book transcend the private school milieu, and I hope that just about anyone - whether their kids go to private school or not - will be able to identify with them.

N R: You are an accomplished author, having written the award-winning historical novel, A More Obedient Wife and now the contemporary satire The Mother Daughter Show. Can you speak to the differences in your approach to each project?

Natalie: The two novels are quite different, and the creative process was different in many ways as well. To write a historical novel, you have to immerse yourself in the period you’re writing about (in the case of A More Obedient Wife, the 1790s). That requires a lot of research, and even then you’re always worrying that you’ve gotten something wrong (at least I was!). So it was a nice change not to have to grapple with that for The Mother Daughter Show. Instead of burying myself in the library, I could just use my observations about the world around me.

Also, with A More Obedient Wife, my starting point was real letters between real people who lived 200 years ago. I saw my task as recreating, as much as possible, the lost lives and personalities of these people, while at the same time constructing a coherent plot. With The Mother Daughter Show, my goal was more to get away from what really happened. In a way, I knew the situation I was writing about too well—it was tempting to just write down what happened rather than create a well developed story. And at the same time, I knew too little. To create characters that work, an author needs to know them inside out, and I simply didn’t know the other women working on the show that well. Maybe it would have been easier to just write down what really happened, but it wouldn’t have worked as a novel.

Thanks, Natalie, we really appreciate your spending time with us today. You can learn more about Natalie and her writing on her website. And now it’s your turn, readers – click on ‘Comments’ below, follow the prompts and share your remarks or ask Natalie questions. We'll be glad you did!