Virtual Book Tour with Kathleen Toomey Jabs

Today we are pleased to welcome Kathleen Toomey Jabs to our blog for a discussion about her new book, Black Wings. Kathleen is a graduate of the United States Naval Academy and also has an MFA in creative writing.  She has written an engrossing mystery set in the world of secret societies, military tradition, and deception. In her novel, Lieutenant Bridget Donovan unofficially investigates the crash of Audrey Richards, one of the Navy's first female fighter pilots, who had been her former roommate when both attended the Academy. What she discovers forces Bridget to examine the concepts of honor, justice and the role of loyalty in pursuit of those ideals.  

NR:  Welcome to our blog today, Kathleen. Our readers are wondering how you came up with the story for Black Wings?

Kathleen:  Actually, it came to me: I had a vision of a female pilot crashing into the sea. I hate flying, but I’ve always been fascinated by aviators.  I worked on this novel for almost ten years, with some breaks.  Over time Audrey evolved as the mysterious central character, her astonishing career witnessed by her roommate, Bridget, who must investigate her death.  

NR:  Can you say a little about the title and what it refers to?

Kathleen:  The title is both a reference to a physical object and also a metaphor. In the Navy, people who are warfare qualified, such as aviators, wear a device on the pockets of their uniforms. In shorthand, the aviator device is referred to as “wings.” As Audrey pursues her dream of flying jets, sets of ominously black wings keep popping up in her path.

NR:  How did your experience at the Naval Academy add to the story?  Did you draw from real life experiences?

Kathleen:  I drew some of Bridget’s early adventures or mishaps from my own experiences. For example, she is originally from Boston and is not a particularly squared-away plebe when she arrives at the Academy. I’m also from Boston and I certainly had my share of culture shocks, especially during the first summer. Some found their way into the story, but I had to change them to fit with Bridget’s character, which is different from mine. As an officer, Bridget is part of the public affairs community. I’m also a public affairs officer or PAO.  I know that world so I had lots of real-life material to draw on, but I wasn't constrained by it.  I used the Naval Academy grounds and the Pentagon, but I also took a lot of liberties. This is fiction!

NR:  What was the most difficult part of writing Black Wings?

Kathleen:  It was hard for me to untangle the story.  I wrote and rewrote the novel at least four times to get the sequencing and chronology right and to make sure the plot was coherent.  I had so many things happening, and I wanted Audrey’s voice to be a part of it.  I had to find a way to get her point of view across.

 NR: Can you say something about the role of women in the military – the difficulties, the triumphs – to which your book speaks?

Kathleen:  The changes for women in the military have been pretty far-reaching since I first affiliated with the military. One of the reasons why I set the book in the early 1990’s was to capture the time of change, churn, and firsts. When I joined the Navy in 1984, many issues were still being worked out, many career fields were off limits, and there was a fair amount of resentment towards women. Today women are much more integrated and have more opportunities. Not everything is resolved now – there will always be some tension, but that’s not necessarily a negative thing. Right now, military women are deployed around the world, showing their competence and professionalism in incredibly difficult situations. It’s very inspiring.

NR:  How would you rate your experience as one of the first women midshipmen at Annapolis?  Did it prepare you for life, how did it influence you?

Kathleen:  I had a first-rate education at the Naval Academy. It wasn’t a fun place to be by any means, but I had some pretty amazing opportunities, such as a chance to study in Ireland, to become fluent in Russian, and to be in really small classrooms with amazing professors, particularly in the English department. I don’t know if I would’ve taken a creative writing class if I'd gone to a civilian college. Molly Tinsley (co-founder of FUZE, my publisher) was my professor and advisor. She nurtured my writing then and is still doing it now – 25 years later!  Another way the Academy influenced me was that I learned to be resilient, disciplined, and tenacious.  That certainly helped me stay with the novel for so long! 

NR: Thank you for joining us today, Kathleen, and telling us about Black Wings. Now, readers, feel free to join in the conversation and ask Kathleen any questions you may have about the story, her experiences balancing her military career and civilian life, the writing process - anything that may be on your mind. Here's your chance to get your questions answered by our author. Simply click on the "comments" link below - we look forward to hearing from you. 

Tax Day Minus One and More

Women are used to multi-tasking, thinking about and dealing with many issues at the same time. Still, your head may be spinning today with the complex activities going on - Emancipation Day, the celebration of President Lincoln’s freeing of slaves in the District of Columbia 150 years ago, Patriot's Day with the 116th running of the Boston Marathon and Tax Day tomorrow when 144 million income tax returns are due to be filed.

Women and taxes are in the news again as the debate continues between moms who work in and outside the home – begun by Hilary Rosen’s comment about Ann Romney - while the Senate discusses the so-called Buffet Rule. Is our society ready to redefine caregiving as productive labor, with support and tax credits? Wherever you stand on these issues, you know that for women it’s a struggle to balance the logistical, emotional and financial demands of work and family. When you’re also caring for an aging parent, you may begin to feel overwhelmed by all of your responsibilities.

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer supporting both your growing children and aging parents, you may have already consulted with a tax advisor about claiming both sets as dependents. After all, you want to conserve as much of your nest egg as you can. With your reduced funds being stretched ever thinner in this economy by the generations surrounding you, Tax Day thrusts your finances front and center.

What about also considering the non-monetary contributions you make to your family in flux? The time, energy, thoughts and emotions you devote to your children and elderly parents can exhaust your core just as your expenses deplete your cash reserves. Are you beginning to feel like a woman on the verge? Instead, use your Tax Day perspective to try out these tips to improve your health and wellbeing:

Maintain balance as you invest your energies in family, career and yourself. You may not be able to attain the perfect level of achievement in any of these, but you can enjoy a sense of accomplishment in your growing strength. To avoid burnout as you shift between caring for your kids and your parents, set aside time for yourself.

Take better care of yourself. When you cope with stress before it becomes chronic, you're better able to take care of your loved ones as well as yourself. As you strive to limit your responsibilities to others, you'll find you have more time for fun and fulfillment in your own life. Go for it – you know you deserve it.

Check back with us again on Wednesday for more tips to help you through tax time. And for some suggestions about coping with stress due to economic troubles you may be facing, consider our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Time for Me

With summer drawing to a close, the kids going back to school and the vacation luggage back to the basement, are you wondering what changes Labor Day will bring? If you're torn between work and family - or family and you - how can you find the balance between your varied roles without accumulating any more guilt along the way?

No matter what challenges you face in your career and at home with children growing up and parents growing older, it's not selfish to set aside time for you. Vow to put your feet up and think about yourself for once. What brings you happiness? What relieves the stress you face every day? What will bring a sense of harmony to your life?

It's time to let go of the part you have played as the 'good girl,' responding to the needs of others first, and for once, listen to your own voice, quiet as it may be. Schedule in some private time and do something that gives you pleasure - take a walk by the water, enjoy the beauty of a sunset, immerse yourself in a good book. Think of this as a personal retreat that provides the opportunity to reconnect with and re-center yourself.

Recognize that it is healthy to receive as well as to give. Ask for what you need from your family members and seek out professionals for their expertise and guidance. You don't have to do everything yourself. Let your spouse, children and siblings know exactly how you feel, what you want from them, and how they can do their share. Taking help when it is offered doesn't diminish your abilities.

Guilt runs rampant among women, who often worry that they're not doing enough for their loved ones. Remind yourself that you're dancing as fast as you can, given the realities of your life situation. You don't have to be the perfect mother, daughter, wife or grandmother. Set your own reasonable standards rather than falling in the trap of trying to live up to others' expectations.

As you decide to take better care of you, you'll discover the strength to find balance in life. Develop a firm core within yourself - it will sustain you as you continue to nurture your growing and changing family. Look for more tips to help you nurture yourself on our website, HerMentorCenter.

And continue the discussion with us on Wednesday as we host Donna Henes, author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. "Mama Donna," as she is affectionately called, will be here to answer your questions about recognizing the wisdom and power you have achieved - and the liberation that comes with it in your prime.

Sandwich Generation: Nurture Yourself

All week we've been talking about how to stay centered and nourish yourself on Valentine's Day. But don't save these practical strategies for just one day a year. Use them often and they'll become second nature.

Relax and rejuvenate to relieve stress. Nurture yourself and your body through regular exercise, good nutrition and proper rest. Attend to your mind and your spirit. Practice techniques of deep breathing or your own form of meditation. And set aside quiet time to do what brings you pleasure. This sort of attitude will sustain you as well as promote greater self care.

On Valentine's Day, give yourself the priceless gift of a life less stressed. Mark the calendar with February 14th as the first day of the rest of your life. Commit to keeping your worry in check and maintaining balance in your life. As you savor your newfound power, cast a love spell in celebration of you.

Still want more ideas? Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article on ten self-fullness tips for women. And stick around the site for a while - there are lots more articles that may spark your interest.

Reducing Stress and Anxiety

Seeing pictures of the people of Haiti - or those of Kabul or Iraq or the unemployment lines in America, take your pick - you may be filled with deep emotions yourself. How you deal with this stress and anxiety depends on many factors in your life, especially what has worked for you in the past. When you've felt frustrated and helpless before, what has helped you regain a sense of control? Was it humor or redirecting your focus or occasional distancing or rededication or creating a Plan B - or another strategy that worked for you? Here are some activities that you can try on for size to help you in the process of coping today:

Talk about your thoughts and feelings with family and friends and reach out to others in your support system. Be open to asking for help and validation of your emotions. You may want to consult a professional counselor for a non-judgmental ear and help in sorting out your concerns. Start a journal to aid you in the process of confronting your anxiety.

Maintain balance in your life between personal needs, work, and your family obligations. Don't overcommit yourself even as you retain a normal routine. If you are a Sandwiched Boomer, plan to carve out some special time for yourself even in the midst of caring for your growing children and aging parents. Remember to be open to the healing effects of laughter.

Exercise moderately several times a week. Find an activity that you enjoy and will stick with - walking with friends, keeping fit through dance or yoga classes, training at the gym. Get enough rest and sleep to allow your body to recover from the stresses of the day.

Eat sensibly, following a balanced diet of healthy foods rich in nutrition that serve as a natural defense against stress. Avoid the use of drugs and alcohol to self-medicate and limit your use of sugar, caffeine and cigarettes to avoid their contribution to your jitteriness.

Tomorrow we'll share several more techniques to help you manage your anxiety and high levels of stress. If you click on the post title above, you can read one of the articles on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, for some additional tips, Five Ways Sandwiched Boomers Can Think Positive in Tough Times.

Friday, we'll be weighing in on tonight's State of the Union speech and its theme of assisting the Sandwich Generation.

Love and Children-in-Law

Yesterday we talked about some qualities to draw on as you settle into a relationship with the ones your children have chosen as life partners. We suggested respect, patience, acceptance and love as models to follow as you take on the role of mother-in-law.

One of our readers commented about how she has learned to move through this dynamic relationship - letting go of her preconceived set of ideas about how her adult children should choose to live their lives and how they decide to relate to her. And, as a result, giving up her belief that her way is the only right way.

What do you think? Is it hard for you to maintain a balance between holding back your opinions and being true to the person you authentically are? How do you do it? What guides you as you do? Support your fellow MILs by sharing your stories of success.

As a member of the Sandwich Generation you have a lot on your plate. And with the holiday season fast approaching, you don't want to increase your stress level. Think about what is most important to you about the holidays. The challenge is to keep some balance in your life and still honor Christmas, Hanukah or Kwanzaa.

Begin to lay the groundwork for change in your gift giving rituals. Follow these practical tips to help keep stress in check as you focus on more joy and less stuff:

Give the gift of reconnection. Send a card to someone with whom you've lost contact. Enclose a recent family photo and your email address.

Invest time instead of money. Drive an elderly neighbor to the grocery store, a doctor's appointment or the shopping mall.

Give the gift of yourself. Arrange a regular date with your parents. Invite them to lunch, a museum or the movies.

It's when life is challenging that support and connection mean the most. Bringing cheer to others is a good way to cheer up. And what better time than during the holidays?

This Presidential and Vice-Presidential election highlights the important contributions made by women in our society - be they single or married, mothers or not, young or old, rich or poor, from big cities or small towns, in high-powered careers or down-to-earth jobs. The women in this election season are as exciting and controversial as any men candidates have been in the past or are today. Yesterday we focused on 44-year old Governor Sarah Palin, the VP candidate herself, who has been balancing a political career with motherhood for the past 16 years. The mother of five, her candidacy brings to the forefront the continuing struggles of women balancing career and family.

Jill Biden, the 57-year old wife of Vice-Presidential nominee Senator Joe Biden has pursued a career as an educator while mothering their three children. Marrying Senator Biden when his sons were only 6 and 7, she traded her job as a teacher for full-time mothering, adding a daughter together. Later she was back in the classroom as a teacher and reading specialist while studying herself to earn two master's degrees, one in English, the other in Reading. Later Jill added her Ph.D. degree in Education and, for the past 15 years, has been teaching at a technical college. With the current focus of all the candidates on education, her experiences in the classroom are a unique asset.

What do you think you can learn from these successful women to guide you as you face your own endless lists and tough choices every day? Like them, you too may be torn between the needs of children and a demanding career. While not in the spotlight, your efforts are just as complicated as you forge ahead.

Each of you may choose to handle your dilemma in different ways, but undoubtedly support from friends and family can play a significant role in the success of your balancing act. It's nice to have someone to lean on when you feel like you are stretched beyond your limit, about to topple off your perch. So reach out and ask for what you need - it may not be a vote in the booth on election day but instead a vote of confidence!

The 4 women campaigning for the November election represent divergent political positions but they each are dealing with the same challenges as Sandwiched Boomers - struggling to balance work, personal needs, marital relationship, children and aging parents or in-laws. Of course, the one who has initiated the most discussion about balance between career and family is Republican Vice-Presidential nominee, Governor Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin symbolizes different things to different women. To some she is the ultimate ceiling breaker, the first woman on a Republican Vice Presidential ticket. To others, she embodies the ultimate contradiction between family values and personal ambition. Certain women are asking, can she adequately mother her five children while carrying on the national responsibilities required of a Vice-President. Those questions have not been raised when a father of five takes on enormous challenges in his work life, even today when fathers are more involved in the day to day lives of their children. Is this a double standard or justified by the reality of family needs? Do women face unique pulls when they become wives and mothers? Where are women to look now for their role models as they juggle career and family? What direction will the fight for women's rights take now and in the future? Let us know your thoughts as move through this political season.

Tomorrow we will look at the issues raised by the wife of the Democratic Vice-Presidential nominee, Jill Biden.

Supporters and critics alike agreed that Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's speech last night at the Republican convention was a big WOW. She introduced herself to the American people, embodying the contribution women make to their families and communities. She was poised and comfortable - a natural - as she stepped into the spotlight of history, a woman showing her toughness, yet with a smile.

Reaching out to women in the electorate, Palin said of her place on the Republican ticket, it proved that, "Every woman can walk through every door of opportunity." But, just as a double standard is often applied to women, not everyone agrees that she is the right choice. Is the argument that Sarah Palin, mother of five, shouldn't try to take on the enormous responsibilities of the Vice-Presidency anti-feminist? The positions of liberals and conservatives on women's rights and opportunities seem to have flipped as far as this issue is concerned. Some of the most liberal of feminists contend that Sarah Palin should not be on the ticket whereas conservatives state that she can balance her family responsibilities along with one of the most important jobs in the federal executive branch. What are your thoughts?

In her speech, Palin praised small-town America and appealed to the core, saying "Small town people love their country in good times and bad." She positioned herself as everywoman, while acknowledging, "Our family has the same ups and downs as others." Proving that she's willing to get into the trenches and join the fight, Palin took a dig at the Democrats while supporting her candidate for President, saying "Some politicians use change to promote their careers and others, like John McCain, use their careers to promote change."

This election process continues to be exciting and history-making. Get involved and enjoy the ride!

In honor of Sandwich Generation month, and as we end our week of tribute to Sandwiched Boomers, we have one last recommendation - the new blog by journalist Jane Gross - www.NewOldAge.blogs.nytimes.com.

The New York Times, in describing the New Old Age:

"Thanks to the marvels of medical science, our parents are living longer than ever before. Adults over age 80 are the fastest growing segment of the population, and most will spend years dependent on others for the most basic needs. That burden falls to their baby boomer children, 77 million strong, who are flummoxed by the technicalities of eldercare, turned upside down by the changed architecture of their families, struggling to balance work and caregiving, and depleting their own retirement savings in the process.

In The New Old Age, Jane Gross explores this unprecedented intergenerational challenge and shares the stories of readers, the advice of professionals, and the wisdom gleaned from her own experience caring for her late mother in her waning years."

Consider this a valuable new resource for you and your family. Jane speaks from her own experience in caring for her mother - one of her first posts was 'what I wish I'd done differently.' The information on the blog is pertinent and current - in the first two weeks of posting, she has already covered the car key situation and long term insurance. And the blog is definitely resonating for readers - there were 693 comments on the day Jane wrote about 'our parents, ourselves.' Do yourself a favor and check it out - let us know what you find helpful in your own quest.

Yesterday Cari commented on the process that slowly evolved after her grandduaghter was born - and that's an important point. As you very well may know, if you jump in too quickly without assessing a situation, you're more likely to get into trouble.

As a club sandwich boomer with a first grandchild, try not to offer advice unless asked. You don’t have to say whatever comes to mind. If your suggestions are requested, present them in an open-ended way so that your adult children are free to accept or reject. Remember how you felt when your mother or mother-in-law shared their opinions about how to raise your children?

Talk about the challenges. Don’t be afraid to communicate with your children in a non-confrontational way. You will all be more comfortable and appreciative of your relationship if you don't let issues fester. However, don’t expect that the results of your talk will follow a pre-determined path. Often the fact that there is conversation is more important than the outcome of any one particular discussion.

Be aware of your feelings. You may be ambivalent about babysitting often when it begins to impact the pursuit of your personal interests. Choose a balance between your own needs and the responsibilities of your grand-parenting role. It's necessary to set the kind of limits that work for you.

On almost a daily basis, as Sandwiched Boomers, you are bombarded by a variety of tasks involving aging parents and growing children. You're also balancing a myriad of responsibilities at home with those that confront you at work. And that's without mentioning your ongoing commitment to stay healthy, lose weight and exercise regularly. Just thinking about your hectic lifestyle can stop you in your tracks.

If you find yourself in this predicament and are feeling the time crunch, join us over the next few days - we're going to give you some practical guidelines.

First of all, take a deep breath and let go of negative thoughts about yourself in relation to getting stuff done. Actively dispute the notion that you are lazy, apathetic or can't get a handle on the process. Choose a simple affirmation or a mantra that rings true for you - such as, yes I can - and repeat it often, out loud and with conviction. Give yourself an emotional break and watch what happens.

Make a start, any start. Buy a journal or borrow one of the notebooks your son isn't using and do your homework. Write out some specific goals and break them down into smaller, more manageable short term objectives. Reflect on their purpose and what that means to you. Consider the character strengths and personal resources you have that will help you achieve your goals.

Click on "comments" below and follow the directions to share your thoughts - let us know about the affirmations that work for you and the goals that you are setting.

Comments about retirement were varied, from being bored and now working again to loving it - so there's not one size fits all. Whether you're beginning to play with the idea of retirement or the gold watch presentation is just around the corner, here are some tips for Sandwiched Boomers.

Approach this stage of life with humor - and don't take yourself too seriously. This is a major life change and yet a positive attitude will enhance your transition and the experiences that follow.

Be aware of your motivation. Being able to reflect and evaluate are valuable skills. Hone them, and discover what is driving you and what you want at this point in your life. Do you want to focus on volunteering, working in a different way, taking better care of your body, or spending more time with family and friends? Make choices for reasons that are right for you.

Much ado about all or nothing. Perhaps leaving your job, at this time, is not feasible for emotional or financial reasons. Look for ways to satisfy some of your unmet needs while still working. This is also good preparation for when that change does occur.

Go with the flow. Recognize and accept that any transition involves a process of change. Follow your dream yet don't automatically say no to anything. Be willing to open your heart and explore all possibilities.

Make a list but don't check it twice. We all have a myriad of wishes that have not come true because life sometimes has a way of intervening. Be patient with yourself and the situation if you have to change course. At this stage of life, anything can happen.

Now is a chance like never before. And balance can be the key to unlocking the good life. How would you create your own sense of equilibrium? Think about being involved in community service and pleasuring yourself. Plan to have a purpose and to have fun. Find ways to be productive and playful. Enjoy the magic of the seesaw.

What's the old saying - if you don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going? Being comfortable in your relationship feels awfully good - but functioning on automatic pilot can get you into trouble. For some couples in the Sandwich Generation, the impetus to examine their partnership comes from the different energies that each wants to invest in family, career or leisure.

Don is torn between his own needs and those of his wife: "We're at different junctures right now.She worked part-time in nursing when our children were young. Over the years she has discovered a passion for business and recently started her own medical registry. The problem for me is, now that she's so immersed in her work, I want to cut back and spend more time together. I'm not sure how we can find a balance."

If there is mutual trust in your relationship, both of you can enjoy the freedom of exploring new options and goals. With her husband’s support, Rhonda, for the first time in 22 years, has achieved space within the marriage. "I have arrived at this crossroad with more confidence and trust in my personal choices. I just hope that my being stronger will not weaken our marriage.”

Think about where your marriage weighs in on the scale of transitions. Over the next couple of days we'll be looking at the various mid-life changes that can destabilize or re-energize a relationship.