Virtual Book Tour: Quality Parenting

Today we are delighted to welcome Dr. Ilene Val-Essen to our Virtual Book Tour. She is a parent educator and the author of Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Your Self. In three easy steps, Ilene teaches parents how to prevent and solve problems with mutual respect. Why don't you read on and see for yourself?


Nourishing Relationships: What is the purpose of the book?

Ilene Val-Essen: Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Yourself helps parents create a family environment based on mutual respect. As we bring out the best in each child, we inevitably discover the best within ourselves.


N R: Why did you write the book?

Ilene: As a parenting instructor I discovered that attitudes are even more important than the effective communication skills that most parenting books focus on. I wanted to help parents recognize those attitudes that bring out the best in their children and those that invite resistance and rebellion. Most importantly, I knew that family life could be so much easier and I wanted to help parents shift their attitudes so that they could enjoy a family based on mutual respect.

N R: What makes the book unique?

Ilene: One aspect of the book’s uniqueness is the deep respect it models for our children’s yearning to be their best. The book accepts that this drive for growth is a core part of our children’s very being, a part of their nature. While the book acknowledges this spiritual component, it offers practical, proven techniques to encourage cooperation, independent and responsible behavior.

Another aspect is how the book views difficult behavior—our children’s and our own. This challenging behavior is viewed as a cry for help: an ineffective attempt to meet a legitimate need. As parents learn to meet their needs, they’re better prepared to help their children meet theirs.

N R: The book is organized around a 3-Step Process. What is it?

Ilene: The Three-Step Process offers parents a system they can rely on to solve and prevent problems with mutual respect. The first step helps us recognize when we’re “off center”—stressed, upset, overwhelmed or angry. When we’re not at our best, it’s tough on our kids. We can’t help a child, teen or grandchild become calm and centered until we’re there ourselves. Step two helps us let go of stress, to step back and become calm. The final step helps us to become centered: to adopt the attitudes and model the effective skills of mutual respect.

N R: What do you mean when you tell parents to “water the flowers, not the weeds”?

Ilene: It sounds quite silly to imagine watering the weeds in our gardens, when it’s the flowers that we want to grow. Too often, we give our children attention for behavior we want to discourage, rather than acknowledging the behaviors that we want to encourage. What we feed naturally grows!

N R: For what age child would this book be most helpful and what will women gain by reading it?

Ilene: Whether parenting toddlers, children or teens, the book promises that family life can be so much easier.

Imagine spending less time:
• Feeling overwhelmed or exhausted
• Repeating yourself or nagging
• Yelling or screaming
• Playing referee

• Imagine spending more time:
• Feeling calm and centered—even at difficult times
• Enjoying children and teens who are more cooperative and reasonable
• Preventing problems instead of rushing to solve them
• Living with mutual respect

Thanks so much, Ilene, for introducing us to your unique approach. Readers, whether you're concerned your kids or helping out with your grandkids, click here for more information about Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Your Self, Ilene and the work she does.

We’re also grateful to all who have dropped by - and now it's your turn. If you have questions for Ilene or want to share your ideas, please click on "Comments" at the bottom right-hand corner of this post. Just follow the prompts - we want to hear from you!

Michael Jackson's Kids: Doing the Best They Can

Michael Jackson often experienced the emotional turmoil that can accompany global fame. He was grateful for the the wisdom and strong support of his mom. Although your family may not be in the public eye, if your adult children are in trouble and you're suddenly cast into the role of parent, you could be feeling the stress.

There will be a huge void to fill and you may be confused about your role now. Don't be afraid to see a family therapist, child psychologist or parenting coach. Understanding your particular circumstances and learning new skills can make a big difference the second time around. And talking with an expert with an objective perspective can truly be a lifesaver.

While Michael Jackson was alive, a main priority was to protect his privacy and his children. And their grandmother has had their best interests at heart, knowing their pain in losing the only parent they knew. Without a lot of fanfare, Katherine Jackson has made a coordinated effort to bring stability to the children's lives. Hearing her talk about the activities and attributes of all three of them, she sounds like any proud parent would. Apparently they will do some traveling over the summer and be in private school, instead homeschooled, in the fall.

In accepting Michael's posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award last January, Prince choked up while thanking fans for their support since his dad's death. And Paris spoke about her love for her dad. What little information the media has received about the family this year – and that's a good thing for the Jackson children - makes you think that they're all doing the best they can.

Here's another video from Fox News about how Jackson's children are managing. The newscaster talks about Prince, Paris and Blanket being less reclusive, listening to their dad's music and spending time with their cousins. Even though they're growing up in the spotlight, don't you think they deserve to live a normal life?

With Independence Day around the corner, take your cues from Jackson's mom and respect the growing independence of your grandchildren. And whether you are celebrating with family and friends, or enjoying a quiet and relaxing day, happy 4th of July!

The Children of Michael Jackson One Year After His Death

This week marks a year since Michael Jackson died. After his untimely death, a major focus was the future of his children, Prince, Paris and 'Blanket.' According to Jackson's will, his mother was to raise them - and the judge granted her permanent custody. All the while, pundits were busy predicting who would really take care of them.

The number of boomer grandparents assuming care and financial responsibility for grandchildren continues to increase. Statistics show that over 2.9 million grandparents are raising more than 4.5 million grandchildren. This is particularly true in families that involve a habitual drug user, a single parent or one with a chronic illness.

Despite the superstar status of the Jackson family, there is something quintessentially human and familiar about them. Hasn't each of us, as a result of death or divorce, had a complicated situation in our own family? Do what you can to maintain structure and continuity. By stabilizing the children's environment with a familiar routine, they'll begin to feel less anxious and more secure. Children are resilient. As you consistently model hopeful thinking and positive actions, they are bound to thrive.

If you're caught up in the middle of a painful tragedy or complex crisis, log on to the blog all week for ideas to consider as you begin to take better care of your grandchildren and yourself.

Ready to get started? You can learn more about Michael Jackson and fatherhood from Wikipedia. Read an article about how to turn a crisis into a challenge on Her Mentor Center. And if you click on 'Comments' below, you can share your practical tips about caring for your grandkids.

Strategies from Stepping Stones

Through the years, Stepping Stones has always tried to help our readers cope with what is going on in their world. As one newsletter put it:

This newsletter is in response to the stress and anxiety that many of our readers have been feeling in this time of uncertainty. We are inundated with threats about war and terrorism. We are impacted by the declining economy as we watch the price of gasoline go up, the price of stocks go down and the continued loss of jobs in our society. Americans are feeling a sense of isolation. Many of us are confused and ambivalent about on-going events in the world. In short, we are on overload, getting constant media reports without any clear resolution at this time.

We've given you ideas about how to save money and enjoy staycations with your family.

With the high price of gasoline, are you thinking of canceling your vacation trip? This summer more and more Sandwiched Boomers are reducing their carbon footprint by taking "staycations" with their families. Why drive to a resort when there are community swimming pools around the corner? Why plan a remote getaway when you can relax in the beauty and serenity near you? You don't need to travel to the city for excitement when you can create your own at home. But how to make it a real vacation and not one long list of chores and obligations? When you follow these tips, you'll return from your staycation refreshed, recharged and reconnected to your family.

In some newsletters, we give tips for getting along with your life partner during these difficult times:

A perfect marriage would be free of financial controversy. But during this economic crisis, the reality is that couples need to learn new money management skills and face tough financial decisions – while at the same time making their relationship work. Not an easy task.

These are tough times but you can draw on the strength of your relationships to get through. As banks are having a difficult time lending money, this is your chance to make an investment in your marriage - it can turn into a welcome source of security and comfort. And can you think of a better time than now?

At the start of the New Year, Stepping Stones helped you start on a new plan for honoring and improving your health and welfare:

Now that you have made your own personal resolutions - still an honored ritual at this time of year - how do you avoid another universal tradition - breaking them? We all know that it's easier to say you are going to give up a bad habit than to actually stick to your new plan. You may have resolved to finally lose the ten pounds that have been plaguing you for years, to start an exercise program you can stick with, to let go of your self-destructive smoking, drinking or over-spending habit. Or, perhaps you're one of the 50% of Americans who vow to spend more time with family and friends this year. So where do you begin? And how do you increase the odds that you will continue? With the New Year, you have a clean slate, ready to take your dictation. Here are 8 tips to help you fulfill your resolutions.

In another issue, we talked about the technique of journaling, especially for Sandwiched Boomers:

We have found that, for many women, keeping a journal is a valuable tool for self- awareness. It can be a freeing experience as there is no one right way to journal. You are in charge and you should do what works for you. Either establish a regular pattern by journaling daily or write when you feel stuck.

In this way, you can sort out any of your jumbled internal thoughts and also have a catharsis or emotional release. If you are still caring for your family at home, it is likely you often do not have a chance to focus primarily on yourself. Now is the time to give thought to what you need and want.

Caring for aging parents isn't easy, but there are rewards to be gained for many generations - yours, your children's and even your grandchildren's:

As a Baby Boomer member of the Sandwich Generation, perhaps you have already had talks with your aging parents about their wills, beneficiaries, and advanced medical directives for hospital care. But have you discussed an ethical will or the legacy of meaning they wish to leave behind? As parents grow older, it becomes more important to them to be remembered for the life lessons they taught than for the material gifts they leave behind. Spend quality time talking with your parents about the values that are important to them. Ask them specific questions about what ethics have guided them through the years. You probably know some of these answers from having observed them and their role modeling, but the conversations can be further enlightening.

Visit our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, to read more archived articles and newsletters. Sign up there to receive your own monthly copy of Stepping Stones or subscribe through the link below and to the left, "FREE Newsletter. Enjoy reading the next issue, our 75th!

Family Life in Morocco

I'm back from two weeks in Morocco and want to savor the experience, so I hope it's OK if I share some of my photos and impressions with you this week. Please feel free to click on 'Comments' at the bottom of this post and tell us your travel stories as well.

Morocco is the kind of country I love to visit, where the almost medieval-like hustle and bustle is a world away from my own life. The culture is so different from what I know and the sights, sounds, smells and tastes are like a wakeup call to the senses. Here's a photo of a grandfather treating his grandchild to an ice cream cone while he's babysitting.

This one is of three generations of the same family selling ceramic pots in the local market. As you can see, just like in our country, the Sandwich Generation is front and center.

Meet our guide, Jamal, and his wife, Fouzia. Hospitality is a part of the Moroccan culture and we spent an evening in their home in Marrakesh, talking with them and their three daughters. Traditionally men take to the streets and women are in charge of the home. Although Fouzia has a Ph.D. in languages, she sees her primary job as raising the girls. Jamel said that, especially since he travels so much, she holds the power in the family.

Despite the language barrier, women speak a universal body language. And it was apparent that, underneath the traditional clothes, she is much like you and me – working hard, concerned about her children and parents, loving her family.

We want you to know that on Tuesday, November 24 at 10am Pacific/1pm Eastern, Line Brunet will be interviewing us on her Family Focus radio show about the Sandwich Generation. If you want to listen and/or download it afterwards, please log on www.blogtalkradio.com/familyfocuscoach

Midwest Staycation

We have learned that within a few hours drive from Chicago, Indianapolis, Cincinnati, and other Midwest cities lies an interesting town, full of significant modern architecture. Here's a taste to share with you:

"Driving up to visit our grandkids for a long weekend, we stopped for a few hours to learn more about Columbus, Indiana. One of our friends had told us about all of the beautiful public architecture there - a library designed by I.M. Pei, a bank by Eero Sarinen, among many others - and we wanted to see them for ourselves. In the 1950's the townspeople had made a decision to live in attractive environment so they contracted with famous as well as up-and-coming architects to create an atmosphere of beauty. They even placed a stunning Rodin sculpture in front of the library.


Finding that their new schools, churches, corporate offices and other buildings would be enhanced by landscaping, they also created lovely gardens and green areas around them. We were struck by the commitment of the townspeople to actively pursue a serene yet rewarding atmosphere for their daily lives.

We found that even the smallest detail had been addressed. When we wanted to stop for an afternoon refreshment, we were directed to a restored ice cream parlor, filled with one hundred year old counters, syrup and ice cream machinery, and musical instruments. And the vanilla malted milk was delicious!


As we drove out of town, over an impressive bridge, we thought about how we too could work to add beauty and grace to our daily lives. It may be a slow process but we can build on a strong foundation from the ground up and leave a legacy that we will be proud of."

Let us hear from you Sandwiched Boomers about your thoughts - about this post, your own staycations or your plans to improve the quality of your own lives. And for tips about how to become more joyful and positive, click on the post title above. It will take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article 5 Steps to Gratitude Despite a Tough Economy.

Family Vacation in Sequoia Park

These pictures trigger all sorts of memories for this family that likes to vacation in open spaces where their grandsons can run free: "This summer we went with our children and grandchildren to Sequoia Park, in the southern Sierra Nevada mountains of California. With huge mountains, deep canyons, rock-filled streams and the world’s largest trees, it was the perfect place to spend family time together.






The little guys kept hugging Sequoias and no matter how many of us held hands, we could never totally surround the gigantic trunks. The daily ritual was to see who could scale the most boulders. All five of them played hide and seek in the crevices and a pick up game of baseball with sticks and stones when they reached the top.

Even the three and four year olds climbed the more than 450 steps (there was some conflict and heated discussion about the exact number) to the top of Morro Rock.

They explored the streams in detail, including the twigs floating by. And I guess no one was too surprised when the first one fell off the stepping stones. And that became an invitation for the rest of them to get wet. I must say, my kids are a lot calmer than I was about that kind of activity. I tried hard to keep my mouth shut and just enjoy the experience."

Do you have trouble holding back your parenting opinions when traveling with your family? If you want tips about not packing any more emotional baggage than fits in the overhead compartment, click on the title of this post. That will take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and an article about Creating Special Family Vacations for the Sandwich Generation.

Honoring Grandparents

When Marian McQuade worked to institute a day of recognition in the United States for the wisdom of grandparents, she was thinking about how to honor the millions of senior citizens needing loving care. Eventually becoming a grandmother of 43 herself, Ms. McQuade achieved her dream of establishing Grandparents Day. The legal document creating the celebration states that the day be set aside "... to honor grandparents, to give grandparents an opportunity to show love for their children's children, and to help children become aware of strength, information, and guidance older people can offer."

National Grandparents Day has also been designated in Canada by their House of Commons as a day "…to acknowledge their importance to the structure of the family in the nurturing, upbringing and education of children."

If you missed celebrating Grandparents Day this Sunday, you can join with the United Kingdom where grandparents are honored on the first Sunday in October or even wait until March when tribute is paid to grandparents in France. Wherever you are, know that, as grandparents, every day you play an important role of the lives of your family. Enjoy their respect and appreciation - and your official Grandparents Day flower, the forget-me-not!

We know that sometimes grandparents can be caregivers as well. It is estimated by AARP that over 4 million children are being raised by their grandparents today. If you find yourself in this situation as the primary caregiver, click on the post title above for some suggestions about how to support your children and grandchildren.

Grandparents Day

Are you a grandparent? Do you still have a grandparent? Did you know that yesterday was Grandparents Day?

It's not a very well publicized holiday, but for the last 30 years it has been one in the United States, celebrated in September on the first Sunday after Labor Day. When it was first celebrated, there were 17 million grandparents in the country, now there are more than 70 million.

Creating a day to pay tribute to grandparents was the idea of Marian McQuade, who worked with senior citizens for many years. She wanted to honor lonely grandparents in nursing homes and focus attention on their needs. She hoped that by acknowledging these seniors, it would encourage their grandchildren to look at their heritage and seek wisdom from their grandparents.

McQuade, who died last year at the age of 91, worked for eight years to accomplish her goal. Her campaign to initiate Grandparents Day is still relevant today when other private citizens are seeking a way to make their voices heard. She started locally, in her Virginia community, then was able to get the support of her Senator and three years later her Governor made it a day of celebration in the state. In the meantime, drawing on publicity from the media, she worked to encourage a resolution in Congress to commemorate grandparents. Her efforts succeeded and we now have the opportunity, on a national level, to acknowledge the important role grandparents play in family life.

If you too have a goal that drives you, don't give up when you face obstacles and setbacks. It may be frustrating for you as a Sandwiched Boomer when your efforts don't succeed at first, but if you believe in the worth of your pursuit, hang in there and give it your best. The process may be long and complex yet you will find that you gain much from your journey.

And for some fresh ideas about how to forge and nourish a strong relationship with your own grandchildren, even when they live far away, click on the post title. You will be able to read our article, Create Meaningful Bonds with Your Grandchildren Across the Miles, on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com.

Michael Jackson: Best Interests of the Children

When Michael Jackson was alive, his first priority was to protect his children. Now, having lost the only parent they know, what's in the best interests of the children? Hopefully there will be a coordinated effort to bring stability to their lives. Prince and Paris understand that Debbie Rowe is their biological mother. And the Jackson family seems to be working toward an agreement that she will be involved.



If you're suddenly thrown into the role of caregiver for your grandchildren, there will be a huge void to fill. And you may be confused about how best to handle the situation. But there are many options available. Don't hesitate to see a family therapist, child psychologist or parenting coach. Learning skills and techniques from experts can make a big difference the second time around. And talking with someone outside the family can be a lifesaver.

The Jacksons have a large extended family and Michael's children can't have too many loving arms. Perhaps this applies to you and your family, as well. Learn more about family values by clicking on the title of this post for an article about the Obamas.

And spend time on HerMentorCenter.com where you'll find information about healing the pain in family relationships. Just go to the menu in the upper lefthand corner of the Home Page and click on 'Nourishing Relationships' to read a variety of articles about how to manage the challenges of parents growing older and children growing up.

Michael Jackson: Protecting his Kids

Friends and family of Michael Jackson all agree that his children meant the world to him. And he went to great lengths to protect himself and his family from exposure to the media.



Perhaps you have a child in trouble and your grandchildren are in a delicate situation. Protect them from the comments of others as best you can. Whether the absent parent's behavior stemmed from a hunger inside, a serious emotional problem or habitual drug use, now you can shield the children from the impact. Focus on your relationship with them and build trust so that they'll feel more accepted, nurtured and confident.

It seems as if Jackson's family is trying to do what's best for the children. Since his death, Prince, Paris and "Blanket" have been seen playing with their cousins, on vacation with their teacher, preparing to go to school.

It's never easy for children in troubled families - and celebrity staus can complicate the situation. Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCentor.com and an article about how the parents of Britney Spears stepped in to take care of their grandsons.

Michael Jackson: Who's Your Daddy?

It's clear that Debbie Rowe is the biological mother of Michael Jackson's two older children but there's ongoing speculation about who's the father. Michael Lester, their godfather, told Matt Lauer on the Today Show that he donated sperm in 1996. Are the children hearing about this in the media and how may it affect them? You'd think their godfather would be less self serving and more concerned about their best interests.



If you're Sandwiched Boomers caught either in the middle of a soap opera, a complex crisis or a painful tragedy, here are some ideas to consider as you begin to take better care of your grandchildren and yourself:

Accept the changes in the family, whatever they are, even if you feel caught in the crossfire. Validate the children's feelings and withhold blame regarding their parents. While you show support, try not to take a particular side or excuse bad behavior. Remember that your primary concern here is to attend to the immediate needs of the children.

Do what you can to maintain structure and continuity. By stabilizing the children's environment with a familiar routine, they'll begin to feel less anxious and more secure. Children are resilient - as you model positive and hopeful thinking, they are bound to thrive.

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article about How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge.

Michael Jackson: What About the Kids?

Michael Jackson was finally laid to rest last Friday, close to two months after his untimely death. Despite speculation about the end of his life, one of his most important requests has been honored - to secure the future of his children, Prince, Paris and "Blanket." According to Jackson's will, his mother would raise them and, early on, the judge did grant her permanent custody. There have been questions about the role of Debbie Rowe, the biological mother of the older two children. Pundits and the public have been busy speculating about whether or not she'll retain parental rights and get to know them now.


Despite the superstar status of the Jackson family, there is something quintessentially human about them. Haven't most of us, as a result of a death or divorce, had a situation in our own family with complicated issues? Perhaps you can relate in some ways.

The numbers of boomer grandparents assuming care and financial responsibilities for grandchildren are increasing. Recent statistics show that more than 2.9 million grandparents are raising 4.5 million grandchildren. This is particularly true in families that involve a single parent, a habitual substance abuser or a member with chronic illness.

Log on all week as we offer practical tips about these valuable relationships. Enjoy Labor Day - and don't forget to click on the title of this post to read an article about creating meaningful bonds with your grandchildren.

Senator Ted Kennedy: Patriarch of the Family

Senator Ted Kennedy was the patriarch of his family, including his brothers' children and grandchildren. During the memorial, at the funeral eulogies and just speaking informally, family members - young and older - spoke of the impact he had on their lives.

Kennedy was a great listener, supportive and a positive force. He shared what he knew about sailing, history and politics. He took the time to remember birthdays and special events. Most of all, he taught his family that anything is possible and to never give up. Who has encouraged you to build on your inner strengths? To set new goals? To keep a positive attitude?



Difficult times can offer opportunities for needed change. Discover the many ways you can continue to build on your internal assets. Are you fiercely curious and determined to find a solution, no matter what? How can your strength of character and generosity of spirit benefit you in these circumstances?

Set some long-range goals about what you want to accomplish as well as short-term objectives that will get you there. These concrete plans will provide the basic foundation for change. As you successfully move forward step by step, your self-confidence will grow. And incremental action, as well as a positive attitude, will motivate you to stay on track and ultimately reach your goals.

The Kennedy family often reconnected at the family home in Hyannisport and boating was always on the agenda. How does your family unwind and what do you like to do together? Click on the title above for some practical suggestions.

Competition and Cooperation

Yesterday, in honor of Father's Day, we started a blog series about how to better understand the men in our lives. We looked at how their conversations often revolve around how to fix things, solve a problem, accomplish a goal - that is, when they're not about the score of the latest, or a classic old, game.

Visiting this week with our three young grandsons, it is easy to see how this focus develops early. As we watch them play together, and play with them, it is striking how many of their activities involve competition. Playing H-O-R-S-E on the garage basketball net or hockey in the basement with makeshift goals or baseball at the park - it's mostly about winning, being the best, outperforming the others. Even when we are working together building electric circuits, their need to "be first" - at each and every step - often overwhelms their interest in learning how to create something new. There's no denying that each of the boys seem to feel the need to be at the top of the food chain - it's almost as it their confidence and self-worth depend on it.

We women attempt to socialize the boys and encourage them toward cooperation. But, in most cases, their default is to treat each other as rivals to be beaten. Boys' play tests their abilities to relate to one another through competition as they vie for position. More concrete than girls, they don't generally share their emotions. When they do, usually it's anger and hurt that spill out in response to some slight. Tomorrow, we'll look at how these early differences are reflected in our on-going relations with other males every day.

To read more about grandchildren and our bonds with them, click on the title above to take you to an article on our website, HerMentorCenter.com, entitled "Create Meaningful Bonds with Your Grandchildren Across the Miles."

Honoring Grandmothers

Yesterday we had an informative chat with Sally Olds, author of Super Granny: Great Stuff to Do With Your Grandkids. Click on the title above to see more about Sally's books. Today we want to highlight some of the interesting comments we had from our readers about the art of grandmothering and Sally's responses.

One question was about whether or not to discuss a grandparenting idea with the parents ahead of time. Sally weighed in with her wise counsel: "For some of the more elaborate and time-consuming activities or any that call for advance planning, yes, you want to bring the parents into your planning. One time I wanted to take a granddaughter to a show on Broadway, and her mom said that she had planned to do that and was looking forward to it, so I backed off. You want to offer special treats -- but not in a way that you'll tread on the parents' delicate toes!"

In response to a question about activities with special needs grandchildren, Sally offered these words of advice: "Yes, special needs kid require special thinking about activities that will be fun and rewarding for both of you. I'll be happy to give you some specific suggestions if you tell me the ages of the children and the nature of their special needs. Although my book is organized according to age levels, these categories are flexible and will differ according to individual children."

One grandmother was concerned about competition between herself and the other grandmother. Sensitive to the situation, Sally recommended focusing only on her time with her grandchild. "This issue of competition with the other grandparents is a biggie for many people. Every grandparent is different and has different things to offer to the grandchildren. I think that if YOU don't see the situation as competitive that your grandchildren won't either. It's hard to avoid the sense that you have to give gifts that are just as expensive or take the kids on outings that are just as strenuous or do other things that the other grandparents do. But if you're enthusiastic about an activity, the kids will pick that up and will enjoy doing it. Like one granny in my book takes her grandchildren fishing near her home. Doesn't cost a lot of money, doesn't take a huge amount of energy, but she loves it -- so the kids love it too. Just pretend (in your own mind) that the other grandparents don't exist, and make your grandkid plans without even thinking about the other grands!"

Another granny wanted help in keeping her teenage grandson entertained when he'd rather be with his friends. Sally gave her opinion, full of the great ideas that you'll find in her book, "Ahhh, the dilemma of adolescence! Yes, to teenagers their friends are the most important people in their lives -- for the moment. But you'll be there for the long haul, and as I wrote in SUPER GRANNY, "there will always be a place somewhere in their lives for a loving, interested, supportive grandmother." Some ways to spend time with your grandson could include taking him out for breakfast before school -- an hour when he won't be doing anything else (except sleep), being the legally required adult in the car while he practices his driving, either sharing a sport or taking him to see one of his choice, taking a city tour on a Segway (google to find the closest available city for this), or asking him to teach you how to text, make a video to put on youtube, or some other technical task.

Jealousy between her grandchildren was one grandmother's worry. Sally's had experience with this issue too and shares her suggestions with us: "It's hard when grandchildren live so far away you can't see them more than once or twice a year. I know because I'm in this situation. And like you, I also have grandchildren who live much closer. You mention that the different sets of grandchildren get jealous because of the different activities you do with the nearby ones and the faraway ones. If they're old enough for you to explain the difficulties of doing the same things with all the grandchildren, you can be upfront in telling them that this is not what you have chosen, but that you love them all and you want to do as much as possible to show this. You can then ask both sets of grandchildren to tell you what they would like to do with you, and then do everything that you can to fulfill their requests. I just asked my 12-year-old granddaughter whom I see only twice a year to email me a list of what she wants to do when she and her family come to visit this summer. I got a good list -- and everything on it is doable. It's often surprising how modest the children's requests can be."

Our thanks go out to Sally for sharing her special book, Super Granny, with us. You can see more about her books by clicking on the title above. And an early Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers and grandmothers out there!


We also had an interesting comment from a reader on Wednesday's post about step-grandmothers. The situation combined the issues of grandmothering after a divorce and step-grandmothering - and created a perfect storm for tension and mistrust. Luckily for our reader, the grandkids had more loving women in their lives to make up for it. Here's what she said;

"My ex-step-Mom was Grandma to my children. When she decided to divorce my Dad after 20+ years, I was understanding and supportive. And, I continued to be -- even when Dad began to jump through hoops to save the marriage. She'd already let go. I was open with her. Open for communication and told her she would be Grandma as long as she 'wanted' to be.

Things got ugly. She became non-communicative. Kids asked questions. I had to fend off the ugly. A year after, it's all finally resolved and my children have lessened the questions (now six and seven of age).

She calls out of the blue. Apology, requesting forgiveness, and I know insinuating rebuilding the relationship. I do not trust this now; my kids have come to see that she left them as a Grandma. They have my Mom and my wonderful MIL."

Although we can't control what other people do, we can decide how we want to react to them. Our reader is able to be flexible in her responses to her now ex-stepmother - inclusive, understanding, open at first; then wary and protective of her children when she needed to be; now turning to other positive influences and people in her life. As time goes on, the situation may change once more and her resiliency will be called into play again. What about you?

Super Granny: Great Stuff To Do With Your Grandkids

Author and grandmother Sally Wendkos Olds is here today to talk about her new book. Super Granny: Great Stuff to do with Your Grandkids. It's an up-to-the-minute 21st century treasure trove of activities that help grandmothers enjoy, communicate, and really connect with their grandchildren.

Activities in the book are grouped by age, from infancy to adolescence, with something for the most computer-savvy granny and kid, along with more traditional projects. Handy icons throughout the book help pinpoint projects that suit your pocketbook, energy level, and interests. A bonus is the listing of current, informative Web sites to follow up suggestions in the book.

Especially fun for us is that Rosemary's concept of writing poems to her grandchildren is one of the 75 stories highlighted by Sally.

NR: Why did you write Super Granny?

Sally: When some of my friends have heard about a few of the things I’ve done with my grandchildren, they have become really interested and conversely I have learned so much from hearing about what my friends who are grandparents do with their grandchildren that I thought it would be fun to share some of the activities that both generations enjoy.

Also, writing about this stage of life feels like a natural progression for me – other books of mine have covered breastfeeding, working parenthood, sexual turning points throughout life, and other aspects of child & adult development.

NR: What are some things you have done with your own grandkids?

Sally: I've done all kinds of things: art in the bathtub, make-a-plate, emailing, composing on the computer, going to school for Grandparents’ Day, having a personal library of children’s books, jogging together, text-messaging with teens - even though we're so much slower than they are!

Some ideas I've gotten from other grandparents are: letting the children eat dessert first, creating art from seashells, taking a grandchild to breakfast, making a birth book or a group quilt, and of course, as Rosemary does, writing poems for and to your grandchildren.

NR: How are today’s grandmothers different from those in the past?

Sally: Today’s grandmothers are more likely to be working, to be physically active, to be technologically proficient, to have really busy lives. We’re similar, though, to grandmothers of the past in treasuring this special relationship and wanting to be emotionally close to our grandchildren, even when we can’t be physically close.

NR: How does your book help grandmothers who live far from their grandchildren?

Sally: There are so many activities that speak to the needs of these grandmothers & their grandchildren. I was especially sensitive to grandmothering across the miles because I live this situation. None of my grandchildren have ever lived closer than a 2-hour drive away, and 3 of them have lived either on the west coast of the U.S. or in Europe, while I have lived in New York. I have stayed emotionally close to my grandchildren, and so in Super Granny I emphasized some ways other grandmothers can do this. Special icons in the book point to activities especially good for long-distance grandmothering. Some examples are: email, writing special letters or poems, talking and seeing each other through services like Skype & webcams, texting, digital photos, shared vacations, making videos, family blogging.

NR: In today’s economy, a lot of grandmothers have to cut back on spending. What suggestions do you have for activities that don’t cost much?

Sally: Almost all the activities in the book cost little or nothing. These activities are specially marked as being either free or “dirt-cheap.” Some examples are: making a birth book; teaching babies to sign, playing games; fostering creativity in music, arts, and crafts; taking them shopping at thrift and secondhand stores; becoming your family’s cultural historian; sharing inexpensive sports like jogging, softball, cycling; involving grandkids in your political and civic activities.

NR: On the other hand, what are some activities worth splurging on?

Sally: Creating memories by giving grandchildren special experiences, like taking them away for a weekend or more; taking them to performances like the circus or theater; skiing, river-rafting, and pursuing other expensive activities with them; encouraging charitable giving; creating & publishing your own family book; taking them on a Segway tour. I spent a wonderful day with my 7-year-old granddaughter at the American Girl Store café in New York. Super Granny offers suggestions to make such experiences well worth the financial outlay.

NR: Why is it more rewarding to see grandchildren without their parents?

Sally: The grandparent/grandchild connection is unique. Seeing the child alone helps you forge this special relationship without having to worry about treading on the toes of the parent, or being too presumptuous, or not knowing just what your boundaries are. Also when the parent isn’t present, you’re the primary caregiver, confidante, companion. The child turns to you with questions, requests for help, and confidences, and is often freer to ask questions she/he might not ask a parent.

NR: Why is it better to see only one grandchild at a time?

Sally: It enables you to have a more intimate relationship than when more than one grandchild is present. You don’t have to worry about lavishing too much attention on one child rather than another, or choosing among activities for different ages. You can devote yourself totally to the one you’re with.

NR: Thank you for joining us today, Sally. We agree that Super Granny is the ultimate resource for today’s super grannies, with super-powers to captivate the grandkids! If any of you have questions for Sally or want to share your own ways of connecting with your grandkids, send them in and Sally will respond today or tomorrow. And click on the title above to take you to Sally's webpage highlighting all of her books.

You're Still a Grandmother After a Divorce or Second Marriage

When you are part of the special kind of non-traditional grandparenting that is becoming more and more common today, the most important word to remember is flexibility.

If you son or daughter has divorced, you might be concerned that you will lose some contact with your grandchild, especially if the situation is strained between the parents after the split. You may find that it is useful to maintain a relationship with your child's ex in order to spend more time with your grandkids. It's a touchy subject and you'll find it helps to discuss it in depth with your own child. In any case, your time with the grandkids is likely to be determined by which parent has custody of them that day rather than when you want to see them. So you'll need to be flexible in your planning.

No matter how you feel about the divorce, you know that it is hard for your grandchild to lose the presence of either parent, even if the stability of the marriage was already rocky for a time. The children may blame themselves for the divorce and act out behaviorally, making it difficult for you to control them or they may withdraw from you, fearing you will leave too. Help them adapt by being loving and accepting of their feelings. Avoid criticizing either parent to your grandson or granddaughter so that they do not feel uncomfortable and that their loyalty is being tested when they are with you.

Flexibility and patience are also called for if you become a step-grandmother. You will need to give your new grandchildren time to accept you, so begin slowly. They probably have already formed relationships with their birth grandparents so don't try to rush them into considering you they same way. Let them know that you are not trying to take the place of their other grandparents, but only to add to their circle of caring adults. Learn about them - their early years, their interests and talents, their personalities. Keep your expectations realistic as you build a relationship that leads to love between you.

For help with your grandkids when your children have divorced, click on the title above to take you to our article on the HerMentorCenter.com website, How Support from the Sandwich Generation Can Help Britney Spears.

Long-distance Grandmothers

When your grandchildren live far away, you probably don't have the opportunity to see them more than every few months, particularly in this economy. Here the most salient issue is building connections. Likely you will need to enlist the aid of your adult children and children-in-law to help you form the bonds between you and their kids. The way you do this will vary as they grow and will certainly flow from your own interests and creative talents. Whatever you choose, your efforts will be well worth it when you see how they remember you and experience their excitement on your next visit.

When your grandkids are babies, you will want to help them develop an impression of you. You can best do this by using all the sensations babies respond to. Let them begin to identify your voice by cooing to them on the phone or sending them tapes or CD's with your voice - singing, reading or speaking to them. They can begin to recognize your face from pictures of you in their room or on the computer via Skype. Have a special song or book that you share with them as you cuddle on each visit. Wear the same perfume - or even a dab of vanilla - every time you visit so that they learn to associate that with you.

As they begin to grow up, you can continue to use phone calls, letters, cards, Skype and emails between your trips to stay in touch. After you do visit, you may want to create a scrapbook for them of pictures and souvenirs from your time together. Their memories of you will be enhanced when they have something tangible to look at over and over again. You can write them stories or poems about some of the things you do together, with them as the star of the piece.

Learn about your grandchildren's activities and interests so you can engage and talk with them about topics that are meaningful to them. Pay attention to their friends when you attend their birthday parties or sports team events or special occasions - then you can ask about them later when you have returned home. Integrate what you find out and keep up with their changing activities. All of your efforts will help cement the connections between you.

For more tips on forming a close relationship with a grandchild who lives far away, click on the title above to go to our website and the article, Create Meaningful Bonds with Your Grandchildren Across the Miles.

Respectful Grandmothers

With Mother's Day just around the corner, we'll be highlighting all you 'Grand Mothers' this week. As you know, we come in all sizes as well as names - Grandma, Bubbe, Granny, Nana, Grams, or whatever special name your grandkids have for you. We have 10 grandchildren between us - living near and far; in preschool, grade school, college and beyond; from intact as well as blended families. What we share in common is our concern for them and our desire to maintain a loving relationship with them. This week we'll be talking about how to do just that.

Today we'll look at the important concerns revolving around grandkids who live nearby; tomorrow, significant issues for those who live far away; on Wednesday, chief relationship matters with step-grandchildren and those whose parents have divorced. On Thursday, we'll host Sally Olds, author of Super Granny: Great Stuff to Do with You Grandkids. And Friday, we'll wrap up with your feedback.

For any and every kind of grandmothering, the unifying concept for you to remember is respect - for your children, their partners, your grandkids, and for yourself. Treat everyone with the respect they deserve and value their individual needs and rights in the relationship. When you do that, you set the stage for creating strong bonds and enriched relationships between everyone in the family.

When your grandkids live nearby, you can enjoy the pleasure of being an integral part of their lives. You probably have the chance to spend time with them weekly, participate in significant events, and learn first-hand about their latest interests and achievements. The main concern here is boundaries - on all sides. It's vital for you not to over-step and usurp your adult children's authority, even as you pitch in to help them with their child-care duties. And it's just as imperative for you to retain your own personal identity and not become submerged into the role of grandmother only. You'll enjoy the relationship more when you also have some separation from it.

Click on the title above to take you to our newsletter, Stepping Stones, for an article with reflections on becoming a grandmother.