TomKat Has Split But You Can Stay Together

The statistics remain grim: one in every two marriages continue to end in divorce. The speculation is that knowing these figures, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes agreed to a very specific prenuptial agreement. Maybe that's why TomKat was able to come to a divorce agreement so quickly. But given that you likely had other things on your mind before the wedding, let's turn the tables on the celebrities and give our attention to preserving our own intimate relationships.

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer your energies may often be sapped by your responsibilities to career, growing kids and aging parents – so reconnecting with your partner may take second place. Here are some more tips to reaffirm that intimate relationship and make yourselves the stars of your own romantic comedy:

Talk. Often. And make it real communication as you open up and honestly share your needs and desires. Use your active listening skills and send I-messages without criticizing your partner. You'll be building a strong foundation of trust and caring as you do.

Be willing to apologize. When you've made an error, you don't have to be defensive about it. Take personal responsibility for your bad behavior and be genuine when you say, I'm sorry.

Work hard to forgive. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Your partner may have done something that ended up hurting you without meaning to. When you let go of anger and resentment, it leads to a more positive attitude for both of you.

Fight fair. Provide a safe environment as you both avoid threatening behavior like name-calling and blaming your partner's character or personality. Be empathic and look at the issue from your partner's perspective. That makes it easier to cooperate, look for solutions and reconcile.

Resolve hot button issues or put them to rest. Use conflict resolution to reduce the stress between you so you can be more flexible and work towards a compromise. If necessary, allow yourselves to 'agree to disagree' on certain topics and then take them off the table.

Recall why you fell in love. Remember and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Compliment your partner freely and let him or her know how much you care. Bring back the romance in your relationship and create real intimacy.

When you invest in your partnership, your behavior will reflect this deep commitment. You'll make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. And you'll reap valuable dividends in well-being that won't be taxed no matter what changes occur in the codes.

What Lessons Can We Take from the TomKat Split?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are back in the news – not for Tom's newest film or Katie's latest shopping spree or even the size of Suri's "high" heels, but because of their divorce proceedings. Will this become just more summer beach reading for the rest of us or can we put our own close relationships in the spotlight and work on improving them? While there's been intense speculation about what has actually gone on between the celebrity couple, we don't really need to know the reason for the breakup of their marriage to focus on improving our own loving partnerships.

With summer weddings and anniversaries coming up – mine is later this week! – here are some tips for strengthening your own intimate relationship:

Respect each other. While your views may be different, you don't have to agree with each other to value your partner's opinions. When you understand where he or she is coming from, you're more likely to appreciate their position. Even Democrat James Carville and Republican Mary Matalin, political consultants coming from beliefs 180 degrees apart, have been married for close to 20 years and are still going strong.

Make time for being together. Connect often for shared experiences and activities – going out for dinner, taking long walks through the neighborhood, attending a class in wine-tasting, couple's dancing or photography. Regularly set aside time for special activities together, either at home or away. Take turns planning a date night that will remind you both of why you fell in love.

Allow for your own space. Recognize that you don't have to share all of your interests and that you each have a right to pursue your own passions. Maintain your set of individual friends and activities - a writing workshop, a weekly sports game, volunteering at a soup kitchen, book club. Venturing out independently makes your reconnection all the more interesting and exciting. And if one of you is an introvert who feels energized by being alone, allow for that distancing time as well.

Have fun. Free yourselves to be playful and affectionate together. You'll notice that touch has healing qualities for both of you. As you engage with each other, the stress of the rest of the world fades into the background. Let yourselves be kids again and enjoy bringing spontaneity and laughter back into your relationship.

Resolve to incorporate these steps into your intimate relationship and look for more tips on Wednesday to help you avoid the pitfalls of the TomKat relationship.

Creating a Holiday Spirit Yourself

If you're newly alone this year, the holidays may remind you of the joys and sorrows of past gatherings. But try to stay focused in the present. Let go of your expectations and instead create celebrations that are meaningful to you now. You'll find your experience of these special days can create new memories to savor throughout the year.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Now that you've used Monday's tips to get started, here are some more for coping with the holidays on your own:

Consider your finances. You'll need to budget differently this year so consider what holiday expenses you can reduce. Perhaps you and your friends can agree to forgo your usual gift giving and instead exchange homemade treats or enjoy a potluck dinner together. With the continuing tough economy, it's likely they're also looking for ways to cut back on costs.

Create new rituals. Plan to do something different for the holidays this year. There's really not one perfect way to celebrate so change your usual routine and enjoy the excitement of new experiences. Perhaps arrange to get away from home - visit a friend, volunteer in your community, go for a hike, travel nearby. Next year, you can choose to continue with the ones that worked the best for you.

Include others who are alone. You're not the only one whose celebration may be bittersweet this year. Share your holiday by Inviting a single friend or relative into your home or volunteering at a community soup kitchen. When you're making your own holiday preparations, set aside some time for those outside your circle. You can donate toys and books to needy children, cookies to a homeless shelter, music to a nursing home.

As you map out your new strategy for the holidays this year, are you also thinking about other changes you want to make? If you're looking for practical tips that help you take the first steps toward a new goal - running a 5K, starting your own business, reconnecting with an old friend - download our complementary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals. You'll find role models and suggestions there to help you prepare and execute your plans.

Celebrating the Holidays Without a Partner

Now that Thanksgiving is over, many have 'officially' moved into the holiday season. Are you alone and wondering how you'll be celebrating this year? Whether you're divorced or widowed, a single parent or the spouse of a deployed serviceperson, it may have seemed easier when you had a partner to share in the planning. Now that you'll be the one creating the holiday mood, you're likely to feel extra pressures, especially if you have children who are depending on you.

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You can take advantage of the freedom you have to develop customs that are just right for you and your family. Here are some tips to give you a head start, even before December begins:

Recognize that it won't be easy. You may be feeling vulnerable and out of sorts after everything that has happened. Accept your complex emotions and acknowledge that it may difficult for you to enjoy the holidays as much as before. You can relieve some of your inner stress when you don't expect too much of yourself.

Take the process one step at a time. Holidays are stressful and this year won't be any different so try not to get overwhelmed. Do what you can without putting extra pressure on yourself. Set aside some time to relax and enjoy what the season means to you.

Look for support. Friends can throw you a lifeline as you adjust to your new status. And your extended family will help fill in the gaps created by your missing partner. If you have children, the more adults providing loving support, the easier it will be for them.

Check back on Wednesday for more tips to help you manage on your own. And in the meantime, take advantage of our holiday gift to you - download our ebook, free of charge, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success. You'll find more tips for negotiating the tough economic climate, today and throughout the holiday season.

Musing About Marriage

I couldn't treat today as if it were just like any other. It's my anniversary - 46 years married to the same guy - and it's got me thinking about a lot of things: perspective, the passage of time and especially how couples can "live happily ever after." Here are some of my musings, along with the thoughts of various relationship experts.

The Pew Research Center recently conducted a national poll looking at modern marriage and new family constellations. Although more unmarried couples are living together than ever, marriage is still the gold standard in relationships, with 70% of Americans having been married at least once. The average age of first time marriage keeps rising - for men, it's 28 and for women 26. Couples want to be settled in their careers before tying the knot. Perhaps that's one reason why married folks tend to be more financially secure than couples living together.

While studies show a correlation between marriage and happiness, it's not marriage that makes you happy, it's a happy marriage that make you happy, says psychologist Daniel Gilbert. The investment of time and energy in this intimate social relationship brings a sense of wellbeing, even with the drop in happiness after the birth of a child.

We all have heard that men and women are different in many ways - they're even from separate planets according to John Gray. Men from Mars are usually intent on fixing problems while women from Venus are more attuned to talking about what is bothering them and validating their feelings. With the divorce rate continuing to hover around 50%, understanding these differences between the sexes is worth the effort it takes from both partners.

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal contrasted the styles of introverts and extroverts who happen to be married to each other. Each group makes up about half of the population, according to psychologist Laurie Helgoe, so a pairing is quite likely. While both can enjoy time spent with friends, extroverts become energized by being with other people while all that stimulation can be draining for introverts, who instead recharge themselves by being alone. Understanding the needs of your partner's preferred style and allowing for those differences makes for fewer conflicts between you and your spouse.

Encouraging love and forgiveness can sometimes be difficult when men and women cope with the stresses between them differently. While women may be comfortable talking with their spouses about stresses, men often withdraw to think about the issues. This can lead to mistakes in interpreting each other's actions: wives often believe husbands aren't interested in looking at problems while men may think women complain because it's so bad it can't be fixed.

Even if your partner seems to "complete you," most couples need friends as well as each other. Having someone to relate to outside your role as parent and partner can give you a sense of autonomy and self-worth as well as a greater appreciation of your spouse. The opportunity to hear another viewpoint can also enlarge your world and increase what you can bring back to your own marriage.

When conflicts arise, use what you know about your partner's style to help you work towards reconciliation. Once you have a better understanding of what motivates your partner to act as he does, you can consider new ways to respond. Respect his need for distance while letting him know you're ready to dialogue whenever he is. Once that door is open, identifying your feelings and asking for support can be the first steps in resolving differences between you and setting the stage for a long-term relationship.

Stand By Your Man or Hire a Divorce Lawyer

Arnold Schwarzenegger has joined the ranks of political leaders who are known to have cheated on their spouses. When a husband is unfaithful, most women immediately feel outrage, disappointment and betrayal. Yet some wives stand by their man. Others re-evaluate their lives.

There are many possible factors that motivate the humiliated wife to stay. Initially she could be in shock and using the defense of denial to avoid reality. Perhaps she's protecting her husband's political career. Or she's concerned about the children and putting them first. Because of her low self esteem or dependency, she could feel she has no option. It may even be love - plain and simple, a long history together or a desire to keep the family together. Whatever the reasoning behind trying to save the marriage, it can take as much courage to stay as to leave. And the road to healing is long and hard.

When Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger announced their separation, it was revealed that she had moved out of the family home and into a hotel. A Kennedy woman, many of whom have been accused of turning the other way, she has suffered several transitions. Shriver gave up her own successful journalism career when Schwarzenegger became governor of California. And amid allegations of affairs that threatened to derail his political career, she had his back and stood by him. Over the past 2 years, she has lost both her parents, followed by the disclosure of her husband's infidelity and deceit. Since their separation, perhaps she's questioning the value of her life and how she wants to live it now.

Over the years, from Roosevelt to Kennedy to Clinton to Edwards, many have wondered, why do their wives take it? Finally, Jenny Stanford broke the mold when she divorced the Governor of South Carolina. Her reaction to her husband's infidelity did not follow the posture of other political wives. She was independent and true to herself, an example for hurt spouses of philandering politicians.

By ignoring the potential consequences of his acts and the people he would hurt, Schwarzenegger raised huge questions about his character as well as his moral development. Maria's statement says a lot: "This is a painful and heartbreaking time. As a mother, my concern is for the children. I ask for compassion, respect and privacy as my children and I try to rebuild our lives and heal." It seems as if Maria Shrive gets it. Having hired a high profile divorce attorney, she's moving on, for her family and herself.

Please log on here tomorrow when Erica Goodstone, Ph.D. joins us for a Virtual Book Tour. Her book, Love Me, Touch Me, Heal Me: The Path to Physical, Emotional, Sexual and Spiritual Reawakening, leads readers on a path toward loving … truly loving, from the center of their being.

Improving Your Relationship for Valentine's Day

With research statistics still indicating that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce, you can beat the odds by resolving this Valentine's Day to work on improving your marriage.
Photo by Clare Bloomfield / Freedigitalphotos.net

Instead of letting your arguments spiral out of control, vow to use fair fighting techniques and put your differences behind you before you go to bed at night. Here are some tips to get you started:

Believe in your ability to change as a couple. When you make a pact to let go of old hurt feelings, you can focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. Trust that your love runs deep enough to support the work of strengthening it.

Focus on specific behaviors you would like your partner to change. Identify and prioritize particular actions that upset you and calmly talk about these. Be realistic about the ones you choose - focus on behaviors that your partner is able and willing to change.

Don't get stuck in past arguments. Agree not to fight the same battles over and over again. Either try to resolve them once and for all or agree to disagree. When you do, you can let go of your anger and begin the process of forgiveness.

Keep your communication open and honest. And be willing to cooperate and compromise about issues where you disagree. When you are able to deal with your anger and forgive your partner for mistakes he has made, you can both grow from the experience. And you'll feel better if you offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong.

Give compliments freely. Sometimes it seems easier to criticize and complain than to praise and acknowledge positive behavior. Instead, be more attentive to the actions you want to reinforce. When you are thinking something nice, say it out loud to your partner.

Invest in your partnership. Make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. The efforts that you put into growing and developing it will be returned in multiples. Use each other for support as you are going through the myriad challenges of life.

Create greater intimacy with your partner and keep up the romance. Remind each other why you fell in love. Set aside time to be together and focus on each other. Be free with your affection and warmth. Tap into your sensuality and find new ways of exploring and expressing your sexual relationship together.

Plan some exciting adventures to bring back the feelings of exhilaration you felt when you first feel in love. You can discover new activities you both like to do - take a class, travel, go on an outing. The thrill of a new discovery can release dopamine and bring more pleasure into your relationship, encouraging real intimacy between you.

Studies have shown that for couples in love there are surges in dopamine, the chemical of pleasure, and in oxytocin, the hormone of bonding. These encourage further closeness and provide the benefits of reducing stress, creating calm, suppressing pain and producing better immune functioning. Researchers have estimated that in about one-third of long-term marriages, couples have the same kind of brain responses to each other as do newly in love couples. So whether you've been together for years or are newly falling in love, enjoy the feelings of closeness and have a happy Valentine's Day.

Grandmothers Value Special Holiday Celebrations

Now that we are into December, the holiday season has begun in earnest, prompting grandmothers into action as they search for ways to prepare for holiday celebrations with the grandkids. Chanukah begins tonight and Christmas and Kwanzaa are just over three weeks away. So we've got more tips today about how to enjoy the holidays with your grandchildren, whether they live close to you or far away.

When your grandkids live nearby, you benefit by being an integral part of their lives. You likely have the chance to spend time with them weekly, participate in significant events and learn first-hand about their latest interests and achievements. The main concern then becomes boundaries - on all sides. It's vital for you not to undermine your adult children's authority, even if you pitch in to help with child-care. And it's just as imperative for you to retain your own personal identity and not become submerged in the role of grandmother only. You'll enjoy the relationship more when you also have some separation from it.

When you are part of the special kind of grandmothering that is becoming more common today, flexibility is the key. If you son or daughter has divorced, you might lose some contact with your grandchild, especially if the situation between the parents is strained. You may need to maintain a relationship with your child's ex in order to spend time with your grandkids - it helps to discuss this with your own child, as this can be a touchy subject. Your time with the grandkids is likely determined by which parent has them that day, not when you want to see them. So you'll need to be flexible in your planning. Divorce is difficult for everyone and your grandkids may blame themselves and act out behaviorally, making it difficult for you to manage them. Or they may withdraw from you, afraid that you will leave too. Help them adapt by accepting their feelings. Avoid criticizing either parent to your grandkids so they don't feel their loyalty is being tested when they are with you. You can get some ideas about celebrating holidays with your grandchildren post-divorce in an article we wrote for the website Divorce360.com.

Patience is called for if you become a step-grandmother. You will need to give your new grandchildren time to accept you, so begin slowly. They probably have relationships - and holiday rituals - with their birth grandparents so don't try to rush them into considering you in the same way. Let them know that you are not trying to take the place of their other grandparents, but only adding to their circle of caring adults. Learn about them - their early years, their interests and talents, their personalities. Keep your expectations realistic as you build a relationship that leads to love between you. And talk to your children about possibly adding new traditions your family holiday meal that include everyone.

The unifying concept for good grandmothering is respect - for your children, their partners, your grandkids - and for yourself. Show that you appreciate and value each individual's needs and rights - especially at holiday time. When you do that, you set the stage for building strong bonds between everyone in the family all through the year.

Staying Strong Through a Divorce

Our guest blogger, divorce mediator Edie Sangiorgio, finishes up her week's posts today with some thoughts about how to create a successful divorce. Edie is the author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, and her website is Divorce Vows

Edie understands the pain of a failed relationship, and talks about some techniques to help you get through the process:

"When we include each day with uplifting, positive, proactive thoughts and strong core beliefs about ourselves we set in motion the direction our lives will take. Divorce is a legal process but more than anything it is a mental game of wills. You have probably been bruised and hurt from your relationship. Don’t perpetuate the hurt by piling on more words and actions that you will at some point have to reconcile with in your heart. Approach the divorce proceedings with your head held high, your heart willing to negotiate for the highest good for all and your soul wisdom leading the way. If you fill your core with spiritual truths that give you strength then no one can get you off your game, not even your spouse or the attorneys.

If divorce is truly the right answer for your relationship then do everything in your power to make it work. You can turn a failed marriage into a successful divorce with the right perspective. If you are a loving, kind, decent person then be who you really want to be starting right now."

Our thanks to Edie for guest blogging this week and a reminder from her that she has graciously offered our readers a free 15-minute consultation. For more information, email her at edie@divorcevows.com.

Whatever stage of the separation and divorce process you are currently in, you can also find information and a community of others going through the experience at Divorce360.com Look for our Her Mentor Center advice there about issues such as emotional reactions after a divorce and for our suggestions about how to ease the pain for children after divorce. You'll find our answers to many questions on Divorce360 - please let us know what else is on your mind.

And for more tips on increasing your resiliency in difficult times, especially if you are a Sandwiched Boomer, visit our website, Her Mentor Center. You'll also find information there about purchasing our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success, which is available for download in PDF format.

Taking Care of Yourself Through a Divorce

We continue with our guest blogger for the week, Edie Sangiorgio, who is a certified divorce mediator. Edie is the author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, and her website is Divorce Vows.

If you are considering a divorce, Edie has some questions to ask yourself first:

"So here are some ways to nurture a more positive, strong perspective and prepare yourself by journaling your thoughts and beliefs even if they are not yet part of your reality. Sometimes we have to “act as if” or “fake it until we make it.” Write down the following open-ended questions and fill in your answers with the most positive and upbeat responses that you can think of. Even if they aren’t yet or always true.

The characteristic I like most about myself as a spouse (partner) is…
The quality I admire most in myself as a parent is…
I have a positive attitude about the divorce negotiations because I am willing to…
I am a person of integrity and will maintain my integrity during the divorce by…
My spouse and children can count on me to …
I am a grateful partner and I am most grateful that because of my marriage I got to…

The most constructive way for me to deal with my pain (sadness, anger, etc) is by…
My inner strengths are revealed when I…
I show respect for myself by …
I am a forgiving person and I forgive my spouse for…
I am confident that I can take care of myself because I know how to…
I like being alone sometimes because when I am alone I get to do…
I surround myself with uplifting, supportive people like…

When I make a mistake I learn quickly from it such as when…
I am a loving person and my favorite way to show my love is by…
I know my future has good things in store for me because…
The most important thing I learned about myself from my marriage is…
I am a good communicator because I…"

Don't forget to log back in on Friday when Edie will give us some final thoughts about taking care of yourself when you divorce. In the meantime, Edie has graciously offered our readers a free 15-minute consultation, saying: "Divorce is such a difficult period for most people and so often just having someone willing to listen is a huge help. I felt compelled to write the book but in addition I feel a desire to just be available to those who resonate with my message. Taking a more spiritual path is easier when someone is walking beside you. You can request a phone consultation at edie@divorcevows.com."

And to learn more tips about managing challenges in your life, especially if you are a Sandwiched Boomer, visit our website Her Mentor Center. And look for information about purchasing our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success, which is available for download in PDF format.

I Know I Have to Leave - Now What?

Highlighting Chelea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky's wedding, our blog last week focused on tips to help overcome the inevitable conflicts that couples face in a marriage. But what happens when nothing is working and divorce seems to be the best alternative?

Edie Sangiorgio, a certified divorce mediator, has been working with couples to "transform a failed marriage into a successful divorce." The author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, Edie is our guest blogger for this week. Learn more about her book on her website, Divorce Vows.

Here's Edie's post for today:

"So you’ve come to conclusion that you need to leave your spouse. You’ve gone to the depths of your soul and every time you ask the question 'should I stay or should I go?' your gut screams, 'leave.' You are very clear why you and your spouse were together and that the legal marriage has served its purpose. You know that it is in the best interest for your family if you and your spouse divorce and live separate lives as you tend to the needs of the family.

Okay. Clarity of direction is step one. Now what? You know you want the divorce to go as smoothly as possible but you’re not sure how to make that happen. Your next step should be to attend to your own attitude and get yourself as centered as you can and strengthen your core. More than you realize your attitude and your inner strength will have a lot of influence over the divorce process. But it is up to you to state your intentions. Divorce is hardly ever easy but many make it so much more difficult on themselves because they have not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared themselves."

Be sure to check back with us again on Wednesday when Edie will be posting some questions to ask yourself before you begin any divorce negotiations. And if your marriage is feeling the effects of the downturn in the economy, visit our website, Her Mentor Center, for information about our recent ebook, Weathering the Financial Storm: Practical Strategies for Success, available to download in PDF format.

Virtual Book Tour: Dr. Jed Diamond and "Mr. Mean"

Today we are delighted to welcome Dr. Jed Diamond to our blog’s Virtual Book Tour. Jed is the author of Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome. He is the director of MenAlive, a program that helps men and the women who love them. Mr. Mean answers critical questions that women and men have about how they can heal themselves, their partners and their relationships. Now see for yourself:

Nourishing Relationships: How did you come to write this book?

Jed Diamond: When my previous book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, was published in 2004, I began getting letters from women and men throughout the world telling me I had struck a chord and the book was helpful in saving their relationship. This is a typical response I received from a man:

Dear Dr. Jed,
I am a 45 year old man going through a divorce. I found your website, took the IMS quiz and scored 161, but didn’t seek help at the time. I thought I could handle things myself. That was a big mistake. If I had truly understood what I was dealing with I would have been able to see my relationships in a more realistic manner and I would probably still be in my house with my loved ones enjoying the holidays instead of being kicked out and on my own.
I wrote this book in order to help the thousands of women and men whose relationships are being destroyed by IMS.

N R: Why did you choose the title Mr. Mean?

J D: I chose the title because so many of the men suffering from IMS express their pain through anger and blame and often come across as being angry and "mean." Here’s a typical letter I received from a woman:

Last month a man came home from work with my husband’s face but he did not act at all like the man I married. I've known this man for 30 years, married 22 of them and have never met this guy before. Angry, nasty, and cruel are just a few words to describe him. He used to be the most upbeat, happy person I knew. Now he’s gone from Mr. Nice to Mr. Mean. In spite of how he treats me I still love my husband and want to save our marriage. Please, can you help me?

N R: You say your goal is to help 42,000 families in the 42 days between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Tell us about what you’re doing.

J D: This year Mother’s Day is May 9 and Father’s Day is June 20th. I know there are thousands of men and women who are suffering the effects of IMS. I want to reach 42,000 families to offer them the support they need to get through these difficult times.

People can go to my website at www.MenAlive.com. They can order a copy of the book and get additional free bonuses. In addition I’ve partnered with Scribd.com, the largest website for social publishing and reading in the world with more than 50,000,000 visitors a month. On Scribd people will be able to read my book, make comments, ask questions, even publish their own experiences. Come to my website to learn more.

N R: In the book you describe your own difficulties dealing with irritability and anger in your own life. Can you tell us about that?

J D: When I hit my early 40s I found myself becoming more hypersensitive and irritable. Little things started bothering me. I didn’t realize I was going through some kind of change. It seemed to be that other people, particularly my wife Carlin, were going out of their way to irritate me. I would often fly off the handle and get angry. At other times I would withdraw into stony silences. My wife complained that she was always walking on egg shells. She never knew whether I would be loving and caring or mean and angry. We were both miserable. It took me a long time to figure out that I was going through what I came to call The Irritable Male Syndrome or IMS.

N R: What are the primary symptoms and causes?

J D: I have found there are four core symptoms:

1. Hypersensitivity
The women who live with these men say things like the following:

•I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I’m around him.
•I never know when I’m going to say something that will set him off.
•He’s like a time bomb ready to explode but I never know when.

The men don’t often recognize their own hypersensitivity. Rather, their perception is that they are fine but everyone else is going out of their way to irritate them. The guys say things like:

•Quit bothering me.
•Leave me alone.
•No, nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.

One concept I have found helpful is the notion that many of us are “emotionally sunburned,” but our partners don’t know it. We might think of a man who is extremely sunburned and gets a loving hug from his wife. He cries out in anger and pain. He assumes she knows he’s sunburned so if she “grabs” him she must be trying to hurt him. She has no idea he is sunburned and can’t understand why he reacts angrily to her loving touch. You can see how this can lead a couple down a road of escalating confusion.

2. Anxiety
Anxiety is a state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic, or fantasized, threatening event or situation. IMS men live in constant worry and fear. There are many real threats that they are dealing with—sexual changes, job insecurities, relationship problems. There are also many uncertainties that lead men to ruminate and fantasize about future problems.

3. Frustration
IMS men feel blocked in attaining what they want and need in life. They often don’t even know what they need. When they do know, they may think there’s no way they can get it. They often feel defeated in the things they try to do to improve their lives. These men feel frustrated in their relationships with family, friends, and at work. The world is changing and they don’t know where, how, or if they fit in.

4. Anger
Anger can be simply defined as a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. Yet anger is a complex emotion. Outwardly expressed it can lead to aggression and violence. When it is turned inward it can result in depression and suicide. Anger can be direct and obvious or it can be subtle and covert. Anger can be loud or quiet. It can be expressed as hateful words, hurtful actions, or in stony silence. The primary causes of IMS are: Hormonal fluctuations, Biochemical changes in brain chemistry, Increasing stress, Loss of male identity and purpose.

These four often interact with each other. For instance, when we are under stress it throws our hormonal balance out of whack. When we lose are job or are afraid of losing it, our male identity is threatened and hormones like testosterone plummet.

N R: How do you know if a man is suffering from IMS?

J D: In doing the research for The Irritable Male Syndrome, I developed questionnaire that can help men (and the women who love them) to determine whether they are suffering from IMS. More than 60,000 men and thousands of women have taken the questionnaire. People can do it on-line at www.IMSquiz.com. The score can help you determine if IMS is a problem in your life.

N R: Why do so many mid-life men turn mean?

J D: Although Irritable Male Syndrome can occur at any age, it is quite prevalent at mid-life. What is it about mid-life that causes men to become angry? Why do they take it out on the person they say they love the most? These are the kinds of questions I hear from women who are trying to understand what is going on in their relationship.
Not all men experience all these losses, but most men experience many of them:

•Hormone levels are dropping.
•Sexual vigor is diminishing.
•Erections are less frequent and less firm.
•Children are leaving home.
•Parents are getting sick and dying.
•Job horizons are narrowing.
•Job security is gone.
•Retirement seems less and less possible.
•Friends are having their first heart attacks and cancer scares.
•Hopes and dreams are fading away.
But with recognition and support, mid-life can also be the most powerful, productive, and passionate time that we’ve ever experienced in our lives.

N R: Can hormonal changes cause men to become more irritable?

J D: Although many people associate being “hormonal” with being female, the truth is that male hormonal changes are every bit as real and can be as troublesome as any changes that women experience. It's time we broke the silence and began talking about the fact that men, too, undergo hormonal changes throughout their lives.
Dr. Gerald Lincoln, who coined the term “Irritable Male Syndrome,” found that lowering levels of testosterone in his research animals caused them to become more irritable, biting their cages as well as the researchers who were testing them. Low testosterone also has a negative affect on men. Although low testosterone is more prevalent in men over 40, it can occur in men of any age.

N R: How do you get through to a man who refuses to admit he has a problem?

J D: Ninety percent of the men who are going through IMS don’t recognize that there is a problem. When asked, they will usually deny that anything is wrong. If pressed, they will withdraw or lash out. Most spouses of IMS men feel they are caught in a bind. “I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t,” a 56-year-old woman, married to an IMS man told me. “If I try to help him recognize there is a problem, he resists me and things get worse between us. If I ignore the problem, things just get worse and I feel that I keep getting emotionally battered. What can I do?”

1. Take a deep breath, relax, and move towards the problem.
2. Think about helping yourself, rather than helping him.
3. Recognize his anger and “meanness” as expressions of his inner ambivalence and woundedness.
4. Act like the Velvet Bulldog. Be gentle but tenacious.
5. Take things a step at a time. Denial releases its grip gradually at first.

N R: What are things you can do right away to keep the relationship from going under?

J D: Although repairing the damage caused by IMS can take some time, there are things a woman can do right away to keep the relationship from going under, including the following:

1.Don’t panic.
2.Reach out and connect with what is stable in your life.
3.Just say “no"! No about moving out, etc.
4.Remember his brain is locked on to the “old witch,” but it can change back to the “young woman.”
5.Stand up for yourself.

NR: Thanks so much, Jed, for joining us today. You've been so generous with your time and knowledge about this sensitive topic and we appreciate your honesty and wisdom. You can learn more about Jed's work and Mr. Mean at MenAlive.

We’re also grateful to the readers and sandwiched boomers who have dropped by. If you have questions for Jed about the challenges of living with a partner who is going through emotional changes that are affecting your relationship, please click on "Comments" and let us hear from you. And log on again tomorrow and we’ll be summarizing your questions and Jed’s feedback.

Achieving Harmony on Valentine's Day

With research statistics still indicating that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce, you can resolve this Valentine's Day to work on improving your marriage. Instead of letting your arguments spiral out of control, vow to use fair fighting techniques and put your differences behind you before you go to bed at night. Here are some tips to get you started:

Believe in your ability to change as a couple. When you make a pact to let go of old hurt feelings, you can focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. Trust that your love runs deep enough to support the work of strengthening it.

Focus on specific behaviors you would like your partner to change. Identify and prioritize particular actions that upset you and calmly talk about these. Be realistic about the ones you choose - focus on behaviors that your partner is able and willing to change.

Don't get stuck in past arguments. Agree not to fight the same battles over and over again. Either try to resolve them once and for all or agree to disagree. When you do, you can let go of your anger and begin the process of forgiveness.

If you want to learn more tips about fair fighting, click on the post title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, Boomer Couples: 5 Tips for Fighting Fair.

Your Thoughts About Divorce

Visitors to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, know that we offer a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones. It's easy to subscribe - click on this post title to take you to the "Free Newsletter" section of our website where you can enter your email address. Earlier this week we sent out this month's Stepping Stones newsletter. The August issue, #69, highlights some steps you can take to avoid a slide toward divorce. If you didn't receive it, let us know and we'll email one to you.

We focused this issue of Stepping Stones on divorce since we have heard from so many women who are dealing with separation and divorce. Here's just a sampling of their concerns:

"I'm about to venture into a divorce and I'm very scared of the idea of being alone and maybe starting over again. I'm going to a therapist to talk out my feelings."

"My husband left me after 17 years of marriage, alone, confused and afflicted with herpes type 1 for almost 20 years, which I contracted from him. I'm trying not to think too much or too hard, keeping myself busy at work and home so I don't have time to dwell on my separation, grateful for family and good friends who care and a job I truly love doing but still missing him every day." 



"After 18 yrs of marriage that is ending due to infidelity, I am concerned for my future relationships and my children's future relationships."

"After 26 years of marriage, my husband requested a separation. Shortly after this I was laid off from my job of 18 years. (I am 60 years old). It has been two years and I have not been able to find another position and my divorce case has become very difficult and very expensive. In addition I have to travel a long distance for the court appearances. My belongings are still in the house also. I am living with my elderly mother. Divorce has never taken place in my family before and does not take place in the community where I live very often. I really have no one to talk to. It is my faith that carries me through."

"I'm a survivor of marital abuse and have now found myself in divorce. This year I start the process. I'm concerned about staying strong emotionally."

"I caught my cheating husband and now need to move on with the separation. I'm trying to cope by being positive, but still find it difficult to move past the hurt by my husband."

Do you have any thoughts you want to share about divorce - or any other issue? Let us hear from you. It's easy to express yourself: go to "Comments" below and leave a note or just email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. We're waiting to hear from you!

Support Helps Your Marriage Get Back on Track

Support each other. Instead of focusing on the negatives or going your separate ways, spend time discussing what you want from one other. Think about what would demonstrate true emotional commitment to you. Prove that you are on each other's side by deciding to change your attitude and behavior. And begin to invest in your marriage's emotional bank account. Create excitement, pleasure and fun together - then take advantage of the dividends.



You and your partner are individuals who each have a mind of your own. What you want may have changed since you first tied the knot. And the present economic meltdown probably adds to the pressures in the relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't make shifts that will relieve some of the stress. And you don't have to accept the possibility of divorce. By taking the first steps, you can help strengthen your partner's trust in you - and the future of your marriage.

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to an article on HerMentorCenter.com with some practical tips on how to get your relationship back on track.

And this Fourth of July, as you celebrate with cookouts and fireworks, be grateful for all that is good about the United States of America and all that is right about your marriage.

Conflict Resolution in Your Marriage

Need some help with conflict resolution in your marriage?

Limit your arguments. If the situation between you and your partner is tense, small annoyances can seem bigger than before. When you argue, allowing bad feelings to fester only makes it worse. Don't turn your quarrels into something more or attach your reactions to another issue. Agree that you will together explore the problems in your relationship. And spend time learning about conflict resolution, direct communication and active listening skills. There's a lot of information available through relationship workshops, on the Internet and in the self help section of the bookstore.



Begin a process of serious talking. Can't do it alone? If you really want to work out your differences, you might consider consulting with a marital therapist or joining a couples' support group. When you each understand more about the other's needs and capabilities, you'll be clearer about the compromises you have to make. Then it will be up to both of you to decide whether or not you're willing to do the hard work. That may include efforts to change your current expectations, redefine what marriage means to you and create new goals for the relationship.

In the meantime, if the conflicts and arguments are getting you down, click on the title of this post to read an article from HerMentorCenter.com on Six Ways to Beat the Blues.

Jon and Kate on the Road to Divorce

The headlines read: "Jon and Kate ready to litigate?" It was followed by confirmation that the Gosselins, parents of eight and partners in the TV reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8, plan to legally dissolve their marriage. The celebrity gossip machine and fans of pop culture have been speculating about this issue for months. The much publicized episode where they announced the break up of their 10 year marriage hit an all time rating high. Jon and Kate's physical separation has forced TLC to put production of the popular program on hiatus.



You may not be accustomed to an endless stream of headlines about your marriage. But your relationship, too, may have it's share of stress and tension. If the pressures of these tough economic times are affecting you and your relationship, tune in all week as we focus on how to get off the road to divorce.

In the meantime, clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article on 5 tips for fighting fair.

Intimate Relationships We Share with Men

With the divorce rate continuing to hover around 50%, understanding between the sexes is worth the effort it takes from both partners. Encouraging love and forgiveness can sometimes be difficult when men and women tend to cope with the stresses between them differently. While women generally feel more comfortable talking with their spouses about what is bothering them, men often withdraw and pull away to think about - rather than talk about - the issues. This can lead to each making mistakes in the way they interpret each other's actions. The woman may believe that her husband isn't at all interested in looking at the problem while the man may think that his wife is only concerned with complaining about it and that it is so bad it can't be fixed.

When you have a better understanding of your partner's behavior and what motivates him to act as he does, you can begin to consider new ways of responding. Respect his need for distance while still letting him know that you are ready to start a dialogue whenever he is. Once that door is open, learning how to identify your feelings and ask each other for support may be the first steps in resolving the differences between you.

To learn more about how to enjoy and share a close relationship, click on the title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, and our article, "Avoiding Infidelity: 8 Tips to Keep Partners Faithful." And you can find more of our tips about marriage and divorce on www.Divorce360.com. Simply click on the link on the left and look for articles by Her Mentor Center.

Stepmothers are People Too

Several weeks ago, as the blog focused on grandmothering, we wrote about how to move into the role of a step-grandmother - with patience, flexibility, love and realistic expectations. Some comments came in from stepmothers, who have the same kinds of issues with their new families. They wondered if their relationships can be helped by the same kind of approach.

With the continuing sizeable divorce rate, stepmothers now out number intact mothers in the United States. The step-moms in these blended families generally face far more tension with the children than do the step-dads. Especially difficult is the relationship between a stepmother and her teenage stepdaughter, particularly if the daughter's birth mother is still emotionally fragile concerning the divorce. The daughter is likely to reflect her mother's behavior and resentment as she relates to her stepmother.

So how can a step-mom improve the relationships with her husband's children? Getting a running start from the dad sure helps. When he sets the tone for acceptance, inclusion and respect the children are more likely to see the couple as a lasting team. Make it clear that you do not intend to try to replace the children's birth mother, but instead to be another loving figure in their lives. Then, as with step-grandmothering, don't attempt to rush things - be patient and the children will eventually come to you. Focus on learning about them and soon they will want to share more of their lives with you.

We'll address more about this difficult subject on the blog next month. In the meantime, you can read about one stepmother's experiences on our website, www.HerMentorCenter. Simply click on the title above "Stepmothers are People too," and it will take you to a story in one of our newsletter. To return here to the blog, click back on "Blog."

And tune in tomorrow for our visit with Patricia Harman, author of "The Blue Cotton Gown: A Midwife's Memoir."

How Sandwiched Boomers Can Prevent Divorce

As sandwiched boomers, you and your partner are individuals who each have a mind of your own. What you want may have changed since you first tied the knot. And the present economic meltdown probably adds to the pressures in the relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't make shifts that will relieve some of the stress. And you don't have to accept the possibility of divorce. By taking the first steps, you can help strengthen your partner's trust in you - and the future of your marriage.

Support each other. Instead of focusing on the negatives or going your separate ways, spend time discussing what you want from one other. Think about what would demonstrate true emotional commitment to you. Prove that you are on each other's side by deciding to change your attitude and behavior. Invest in your marriage's emotional bank account. Create excitement, pleasure and fun together - then take advantage of the dividends.