TomKat Has Split But You Can Stay Together

The statistics remain grim: one in every two marriages continue to end in divorce. The speculation is that knowing these figures, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes agreed to a very specific prenuptial agreement. Maybe that's why TomKat was able to come to a divorce agreement so quickly. But given that you likely had other things on your mind before the wedding, let's turn the tables on the celebrities and give our attention to preserving our own intimate relationships.

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer your energies may often be sapped by your responsibilities to career, growing kids and aging parents – so reconnecting with your partner may take second place. Here are some more tips to reaffirm that intimate relationship and make yourselves the stars of your own romantic comedy:

Talk. Often. And make it real communication as you open up and honestly share your needs and desires. Use your active listening skills and send I-messages without criticizing your partner. You'll be building a strong foundation of trust and caring as you do.

Be willing to apologize. When you've made an error, you don't have to be defensive about it. Take personal responsibility for your bad behavior and be genuine when you say, I'm sorry.

Work hard to forgive. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Your partner may have done something that ended up hurting you without meaning to. When you let go of anger and resentment, it leads to a more positive attitude for both of you.

Fight fair. Provide a safe environment as you both avoid threatening behavior like name-calling and blaming your partner's character or personality. Be empathic and look at the issue from your partner's perspective. That makes it easier to cooperate, look for solutions and reconcile.

Resolve hot button issues or put them to rest. Use conflict resolution to reduce the stress between you so you can be more flexible and work towards a compromise. If necessary, allow yourselves to 'agree to disagree' on certain topics and then take them off the table.

Recall why you fell in love. Remember and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Compliment your partner freely and let him or her know how much you care. Bring back the romance in your relationship and create real intimacy.

When you invest in your partnership, your behavior will reflect this deep commitment. You'll make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. And you'll reap valuable dividends in well-being that won't be taxed no matter what changes occur in the codes.

What Lessons Can We Take from the TomKat Split?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are back in the news – not for Tom's newest film or Katie's latest shopping spree or even the size of Suri's "high" heels, but because of their divorce proceedings. Will this become just more summer beach reading for the rest of us or can we put our own close relationships in the spotlight and work on improving them? While there's been intense speculation about what has actually gone on between the celebrity couple, we don't really need to know the reason for the breakup of their marriage to focus on improving our own loving partnerships.

With summer weddings and anniversaries coming up – mine is later this week! – here are some tips for strengthening your own intimate relationship:

Respect each other. While your views may be different, you don't have to agree with each other to value your partner's opinions. When you understand where he or she is coming from, you're more likely to appreciate their position. Even Democrat James Carville and Republican Mary Matalin, political consultants coming from beliefs 180 degrees apart, have been married for close to 20 years and are still going strong.

Make time for being together. Connect often for shared experiences and activities – going out for dinner, taking long walks through the neighborhood, attending a class in wine-tasting, couple's dancing or photography. Regularly set aside time for special activities together, either at home or away. Take turns planning a date night that will remind you both of why you fell in love.

Allow for your own space. Recognize that you don't have to share all of your interests and that you each have a right to pursue your own passions. Maintain your set of individual friends and activities - a writing workshop, a weekly sports game, volunteering at a soup kitchen, book club. Venturing out independently makes your reconnection all the more interesting and exciting. And if one of you is an introvert who feels energized by being alone, allow for that distancing time as well.

Have fun. Free yourselves to be playful and affectionate together. You'll notice that touch has healing qualities for both of you. As you engage with each other, the stress of the rest of the world fades into the background. Let yourselves be kids again and enjoy bringing spontaneity and laughter back into your relationship.

Resolve to incorporate these steps into your intimate relationship and look for more tips on Wednesday to help you avoid the pitfalls of the TomKat relationship.

Brotherly Love and Sisterly Love

Philadelphia has been known as the city of brotherly love since William Penn first named it over 300 years ago and today one of the LOVE sculptures by Robert Indiana has a prominent place on the University of Pennsylvania campus.

With two sons, four grandsons and a brother of my own, I know a little about how brothers show their love. They're physical with each other - playing or sparring - and they compete in just about any way they can. Although they're fiercely protective of one another from any outsider, they seem to enjoy challenging each other with glee and abandon when it's just them. It's their way of showing respect and acceptance - that they are strong enough to take it. Brotherly love isn't often openly or verbally expressed in warm and fuzzy terms - either between actual brothers or between men friends - rather it's conveyed in doing things together.

What about sisterly love? Mostly it centers on connection and communication as a way of creating emotional intimacy. When sisters do compete and juggle for position, generally it's about relationships - who gets more of the love. That can cause jealousy - over who is cherished, more admired, with greater influence in drawing others closer. So women reach out beyond their siblings - their friendships are often as loving, committed and attached as those between actual sisters. The loyalty and devotion of long-term women friends binds them together and builds a sense of inner strength and personal security in each. We are both more grounded and more willing to take a chance flying because of shared links to our sisterhood.

What is your take on brotherly and sisterly love? Your close friendships? Will they be a part of your Valentine's Day experience tomorrow? Who is dear to you? Are your friendships closer than your actual sibling relationships? Share your feelings and start a discussion through the Comment link below.

The Month for Love

Long before it was a song, the saying was a part of our conversation - and it's especially appropriate during February, the month of love:

Love makes the world go 'round.

kratuanoiy / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

With all this whirling, love can make you feel off balance and dizzy. Sometimes it's tricky to keep your personal world turning without having it spin completely out of control. With love encompassing so much of our consciousness, the focus on Valentine's Day is usually on romantic love. Yet there are many different kinds of love that can help keep you grounded. This week we'll look at some you can include in your life for the essence of love:

Love who you're with. When Stephen Stills sang, If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, he was thinking about affection and passion with a sexual partner. But you can achieve another kind of oneness with others in your life too. Dear friends share emotional intimacy, commitment and trust as well as a sense of playfulness. Don’t you feel loyal and loving to old friends in a way that celebrates your closeness? And family, with its roots and continuity, can provide feelings of security that allow you to open up to love. When you express gratitude to your family for what they have given you and forgive them for what they have not, you feel more connected and altruistic.

Love where you are. Whether you live in the city or countryside, the hills or flatlands, inland or along the shore, there is beauty to be found around you. As you explore more of your environment, you may find yourself drawn to the serenity of your natural surroundings or to the energy of your community. When you engage and become involved, you'll experience the thrill and deep satisfaction that comes from a heartfelt connection. Nurturing your spirituality can also create feelings of awe and dedication that touch you emotionally.

Join us again on Wednesday when we'll look at some additional objects of affection. Meanwhile, please share some of your own favorite people and places - those that bring a smile to your face and a flutter to your heart. Click on the comment link below and tell us what kind of love makes your world go 'round.

Valentine’s Day and Emotional Intimacy

This year we began early, focusing Monday's post on a more satisfying Valentine's Day. Now that February is officially here, what else can you do to set the tone for the day of love? We know how busy you are, but reading these two easy-to-use tips will only take a minute:

Teerapun / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Inject humor and laughter. Lightheartedness is often the first casualty of a hectic family life. Keep fun alive by joking around, sending silly texts or using pet names. Making time to be playful and engaging with each other can often lead to greater satisfaction and deeper intimacy.

Stay connected. A gentle touch or quick hug can release oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces blood pressure and stress levels. When you're feeling tense, an affectionate moment can help you feel closer, loved and even more relaxed.

By now you must know that you can't change your partner. But you can impact his reactions if you shift your own attitude, feelings and behavior. Then, as your union becomes stronger, he may decide to make some changes in himself - and that will benefit the relationship.

You see, positive emotions can open you both to new possibilities. Try to let your heart do the talking and commit to little changes that mean a lot. When you bring out the best in each other, you create a reservoir of goodwill. Look at is as an investment in your emotional bank account. And on Valentine’s Day, be ready to start cashing in the dividends.

Virtual Book Tour with Dr. Erica Goodstone

We want to welcome Dr. Erica Goodstone to our Virtual Book Tour today - we know you'll enjoy our discussion about her book, Love Me, Touch Me, Heal Me: The Path to Physical, Emotional, Sexual and Spiritual Reawakening. So let's not waste any time getting started:

Nourishing Relationships: Why does Part I and your first book, Love Me…Please, focus so heavily on the power of love? Aren’t there really some good people, some good love partners, and some that are destructive and hurtful? Shouldn’t we just get rid of the “bad” partners and seek the “good” ones?

Erica Goodstone: The theory or premise behind my beliefs about the power of love developed from the writings and teachings of many different researchers and seminar leaders. First, my doctoral dissertation focused on the mother-infant bonding research of psychologist, Dr. Margaret Mahler. She observed mothers and infants during the first 3 years of life. When bonding was less than adequate, the child would develop separation anxiety, intense ambivalence and anxiety about merging or becoming close. These early anxieties would set the stage for lifelong relationship patterns unless recognized and consciously changed later in life. Next, was the wonderful writing of Ken Keyes, Jr. about letting go of resistance and learning how to begin “living love.” And I can still recall the comforting words of author, Leo Buscaglia, that we can live life without love but it is empty and dull and not full of adventure and surprises and delight.

Most of us tend to choose our most intimate partners because of an unconscious need to overcome our less than adequate childhood bonding with our earliest careteakers. We recognize signs in the eyes, tone of voice and body language of potential partners, signaling that this person could help us to relive and perhaps overcome our past anxieties and insecurities. Often we sense this without consciously realizing what it all means. We just feel an intense attraction. But then, if we continue into a long term committed relationship, those initial good feelings often give way to the opposite. We feel as if we are losing our sense of self and it looks as if it is the other person’s fault. This is the point where counseling and couples therapy can help each person and the couple to heal and finally become able to create true love and passion and joy together.

NR: In Part II and your second book, Touch Me … Please, why do you say “Your Body Believes You?” Our brain is our consciousness. Our body is just our body.

E G: Our brain contains neurons but the signals coming from the brain spread throughout our body. We have nerve endings almost everywhere. True, our body does not have a mind of its own. It responds to the commands we give it. Therefore, if we say that someone we know is a “pain in the neck.” Our neck hears that message and guess what? We may soon find we have a pain in that body part and we don’t know how that occurred.

Our emotions affect the tension in our muscles, the strength and flexibility of our tendons and ligaments, and even the overall posturing of our body. When we feel proud and confident, we stand with our head up, our shoulders back and our chest open. When we feel depressed or ashamed, our shoulders may slump and we drop our head or let our eyes glance downward. Be careful what you tell yourself because your body will respond.

NR: Why do you talk so much about touching and what is the benefit of all these different types of body therapies? Isn’t touch just a natural part of life and shouldn’t it be reserved only for our most intimate partners?

E G: Touch is powerful. Touch can soothe and nurture and heal. Touch can also hurt and harm and destroy. Our sense of self-worth, our ability to love, and our sexual desire and passion often hinges upon the way we touch and respond to touch. Loving touch assists us to release painful memories and to open our heart to others. Of course, it is wonderful when we can easily and regularly share loving, nurturing touch with those closest to us: our parents, our children, and our most intimate partner. But many of us have grown up in homes where touch was either sparse, absent or only used to cause punishment and pain. Without touch, our bodies often remain stuck in habitual tension patterns that affect our emotional states and the ways that we interact with others. When we receive some form of body therapy, from a skilled practitioner, the cells and tissues, muscles and nerves respond. Emotional memories may be released. We can more easily relax, alone or in the presence of others. Physical touch can literally touch our inner being, our spirit or our soul.

NR: In Part III and your third book, Heal Me … Please, you talk about your own healing experiences and ask the reader about theirs. Isn’t healing just a matter of luck or genetics?

E G: The true stories, with names and events altered to protect my clients’ privacy and anonymity, reveal the incredible healing potential of somatic or body-oriented psychotherapy. Combining gentle touch with body awareness, talk, visualization and memory, helps to shift habitual body tension patterns and reframe life events and prior circumstances. As you increase awareness and allow your mind to create new visions for your relationships and your life, it become easier to handle challenges and problems as they arise. As you learn to listen to your own body messages, you are more able to tell the truth to yourself. Gradually, it becomes safe to let go of old, familiar patterns that no longer serve you. As you allow yourself to be more authentic and vulnerable with friends and family and your most intimate partner, you also offer the other person permission to let down and be vulnerable with you. Love builds on that mutual open communication. And some of your chronic health conditions may begin to lessen and disappear as you build a stronger and more lasting mind-body connection.

NR: In Part IV and your fourth book, Sexual and Spiritual Reawakening, you ask the reader to review their own personal history as far back as when they were in their mother’s womb. What does that have to do with a current sexual problem between two people in a long term relationship now, 20, 30, maybe 50 years later?

E G: Age has nothing to do with it. Our childhood memories remain for a lifetime. Our bodies and our brains recall those happy, spirited, free flowing times as well as those moments of shame, embarrassment, humiliation, defeat and even abuse. Many of us develop a way of posturing, a body armoring, to keep us strong so that we do not have to think about the early painful times. But that armoring keeps us at a distance, not only from others, but also from our own inner knowing. As we explore our own earliest memories, conscious and even pre-verbal, we can begin to make sense of our current circumstances. We begin to understand why we have chosen a particular life partner and even why we may have chosen to remain single. We recall those times when our body and our mind felt free and exuberant and this gives us the impetus to find ways to return to that state. As we unravel our own past and focus on our own patterns within our relationships, we can much more easily forgive the transgressions of our friends and most intimate partner. Once we acknowledge our own part in creating any relationship, we are ready to build a new foundation of trust and love and authentic relating.

NR: How does spirituality affect relationships?

E G: Someone can appear “spiritual.” They can talk the talk but not actually be living according to what they say. A spiritual perspective implies an open-minded, forgiving and accepting outlook on life and relationships. There is a strong willingness to overlook flaws and past hurts, to face the present moment with strength, courage and integrity, and to believe in the power of love for oneself and for everyone else. Without a strong spiritual foundation, many relationships flounder and are torn apart by the vicissitudes of changing worldly conditions.There is a sense of overwhelming relief when we realize that this situation, this relationship, the healing of our body, and the creation of happiness and emotional well-being, is beyond our immediate control. When we can truly allow ourselves to “let go and let God,” we can endure and overcome life’s trials and tribulations with grace, confidence and peace of mind.

Thanks, Erica for sharing your theories, thoughts and wisdom. Learn more about Erica by logging on to her blog. You can contact her directly at her website and check out her new venture.

Now, readers, it's your turn to ask questions. Just click on 'Comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'Anonymous,' it's as easy as that.

Sleep-away Camp: Great for Sandwiched Boomers and Their Marriage

Believe it or not, sleep-away camp can be the best thing for you and your marriage. If you're a member of the Sandwich Generation, your life is likely full of responsibility - caring for parents growing older and kids growing up. When was the last time you luxuriated in time alone with your partner?

Now that your kids are successful nestled into camp life, it's your turn. Here are some tips that may help you ease into the comfort and excitement of a totally adult relationship.

Invest in each other. In a family with active children and demanding careers, it's the marriage that usually ends up on the back burner. Make efforts now to develop your relationship, just as you would any valuable asset. Feel more treasured as the emotional dividends grow.

In a HuffingtonPost.com article, here's how one mom describes her metamorphosis when she sends her 9 year old son to sleep-away camp for the first time.

Give the gift of time. Focus on each other by planning activities you'll both enjoy. Exercise together - rent a bicycle built for two or take a hike in the mountains. Stretch it out and take a long cut. Or sneak away - leave work early and meet at a museum or enjoy a picnic lunch at the park. Be spontaneous and mysterious - surprise each other and be free with your affection.

Want some more ideas to try out? Happily married readers of Today.com share their wisdom about how they keep their love light burning.

Act like kids and laugh a lot. In your daily routine when the kids are home you inevitably get bogged down with meals, laundry, work, bills. It can get stressful, and boring. Whole days go by where you just worry and totally forget to laugh. It's emotionally healthy to let off steam. Now you can be more playful - do something fun, silly or out of the ordinary. It'll force you to remember who you are at your core and remind your partner of why he fell in love with you.

Create romance and intimacy. More of this has likely been on your 'to do' list for a long time, so here's your chance to make it happen. No need now to pencil it in or make love on the run. Cook dinner together, turn on the music, light candles and share that bottle of wine you've been saving for a special occasion.

Sex in marriage can be complicated. Gain more clarity through this article in the Wall Street Journal that explores the relationship between sex, love, desire and arousal. And remember to practice what you've learned.

Time flies, so stay in the moment and enjoy each other. Before you know it the kids will be coming home. And what you've created with your partner during these few weeks will be a distant memory to savor when life, once again, is full of interruptions.

We want to hear from you. Click on 'Comments' at the bottom right-hand corner of this post. Ask questions, share your ideas. And log on Friday for more tips about how to keep a family camp-like feeling all year round.

Sandwich Generation: Focus on Friends & Family

Just because you're single doesn't mean you have to be lonely on Valentine's Day. As members of the Sandwich Generation, focus on these tips that can reach far beyond a love relationship and perk you up:

Pay attention to the positives in your significant relationships. Notice who you enjoy spending time with and what about them brings you pleasure. And remember that your personal character and qualities make them want to be your friends. Relax into your friendships as you enjoy fuller and deeper conversations.

Connect often with others. Going out with a group of colleagues can sometimes be more fun than going on a date. And having support is especially important when you're feeling down. You can bring more intimacy into your circle of friends. Be willing to reveal your personal opinions and needs so that they have access to your inner world. And encourage them to do the same with you.

Lower your expectations about today. Actually, there really is no perfect day, so relax. Be realistic and proactive. You can take the lead and make a plan for the day - organize a potluck dinner, a hike in the hills or a barbeque at the park. The wonderful memories you create will last long after the day is over.

While we're on the subject of relationships, why don't you click on the title of this post to read an article about the impact of Oprah's support of President Obama at an important time in his life.

Sandwich Generation:Resolve to Get Along

As members of the Sandwich Generation, your plates are already full with responsibilities for your growing children and aging parents. But remember that you and your love relationship needs nourishment too, especially if you're feeling stressed. When you're not sure how to handle it, these tips may help you out:

Compromise works in most conflicts. Be direct, yet open and flexible as you make your way through disagreements. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes and truly understanding the other point of view can resolve a conflict more easily and quickly.

Inject humor and laughter. Lightheartedness can be one of the first casualties of a busy life. Keep fun alive by joking around or using pet names. Making time to be playful with each other can lead to greater intimacy.

Do you want more ideas? Clicking on the title of this post will take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com, and an article about how Sandwiched Boomers can fight fair.

Intimate Relationships We Share with Men

With the divorce rate continuing to hover around 50%, understanding between the sexes is worth the effort it takes from both partners. Encouraging love and forgiveness can sometimes be difficult when men and women tend to cope with the stresses between them differently. While women generally feel more comfortable talking with their spouses about what is bothering them, men often withdraw and pull away to think about - rather than talk about - the issues. This can lead to each making mistakes in the way they interpret each other's actions. The woman may believe that her husband isn't at all interested in looking at the problem while the man may think that his wife is only concerned with complaining about it and that it is so bad it can't be fixed.

When you have a better understanding of your partner's behavior and what motivates him to act as he does, you can begin to consider new ways of responding. Respect his need for distance while still letting him know that you are ready to start a dialogue whenever he is. Once that door is open, learning how to identify your feelings and ask each other for support may be the first steps in resolving the differences between you.

To learn more about how to enjoy and share a close relationship, click on the title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, and our article, "Avoiding Infidelity: 8 Tips to Keep Partners Faithful." And you can find more of our tips about marriage and divorce on www.Divorce360.com. Simply click on the link on the left and look for articles by Her Mentor Center.