Sandwich Generation Siblings: Caring for Aging Parents

Today we're focusing on issues that may arise among siblings once parents begin to decline. If your interactions feel like when you were kids fighting for who gets the biggest piece of cake, here are some tips that may help your family right now:

Recognize why you're upset. There's likely a lot going on as you try to keep all the balls in the air. Worrying about your parents' well-being and the decisions you will have to make on their behalf is stressful. At the same time you may be facing loss on many levels - your parents as you knew them, fears about their declining health and eventual death.

Divide the responsibilities. Love for your parents and shared memories are what you have in common with your siblings. Now is the time to support each other. If you live far away but have the financial wherewithal to send money from time to time, don't hesitate - and call often. If you live local, are hands-on and don't think the others are doing enough, try to understand the guilt they may be feeling.

Talk about your emotions. Whether its frustration, sadness or grief, have a conversation with your siblings or with friends who understand what you're going through. It can be cathartic to put it all on the table and easier to sort out. And those who have been in your situation may guide you to a different perspective and possible solutions.

Focus on individual qualities. We all have unique skills and strengths. Which of your siblings has some free time and manages money well or lives close to your folks and is persuasive enough to gain their cooperation? Try to recognize these and put the best use of everyone's talents to work.

Be proactive. Arrange a family meeting and try to resolve any longstanding disputes. Include your parents in conversations and discuss their preferences about how they want to live as they decline. As difficult as this may be, it will minimize confusion and conflict in the long run.

Put what you're learning into play. You don't have to wait until you're incapacitated to consider some of these issues, write a will or create a legacy. Be a good role model for the benefit of your children. Remember, they’re watching.

You, Your Difficult Mother and Mother’s Day

Perhaps you're fed up with trying to win your mom’s approval and be accepted for who you are. Or you’re tired of feeling guilty and blaming yourself for the problems. Although we all want an emotionally healthy relationship with our mother, sometimes it’s not possible. Instead of trying to placate mom, understand that the anger is her problem and it’s not your responsibility to manage her emotions.

Silence your self doubt. It’s not uncommon for insecurity to be the legacy of a difficult mother. Challenge your negative internal scripts and put them to rest. Value those who listen as you share your opinions and desires. This will remind you that close relationships can be different from your relationship with your mother.

Begin to practice self love. You’ll feel more empowered as you list all that you have achieved without your mom’s encouragement or support. Realize that these assets belong to you alone. If you've spent a lifetime trying to be taken care of or consumed with rage about not having that kind of love, it may be hard to see yourself as the valuable person you really are. You’ll come to know that you are not defined by your mom but by what you envision yourself to be.

Notice the positives of the life you've created. When you were young, your mom's attitude or actions may have made you feel worthless or invisible. Did you fantasize about getting out from under her control and moving far away? Now that you are perhaps married, with a family and a successful life, you're no longer that helpless little girl. Admire and respect your grown up qualities - how responsible you are, being able to laugh at yourself, your fierce independence, common sense and good judgment.

As you continue working to get what you need, consider the possibility of offering forgiveness. Granted, your mom may have made it difficult to accept yourself or trust others. But know that forgiving your mother for who she is doesn't necessarily excuse her actions. And starting to extinguish the feelings of rejection and resentment can mark a new beginning for you - a Mother's Day gift that you give yourself, freeing you from the past.

How to Make a Good Marriage Better

You know what they about a stable marriage that’s moving along with no major hurdles - ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ But you may feel that your relationship just hasn’t reached its full potential or that something is missing. Believe it or not, you can break out of the routine and recapture some of the magic.

According to the field of interpersonal neurobiology, the brain is constantly changing. And that has a lot to do with your daily interactions. All relationships, especially loving ones, alter the brain circuits that shape memories and emotions. Think about when you first met your spouse - the immediate attraction, the flow of attachment hormones, the we-can’t-live-without-each-other interdependency.

This alchemy continues throughout life, and how we treat each other matters. In a loving relationship, we can change each other’s neural functions when we decide to be more mindful, attentive and compassionate. And holding hands is enough to reduce stress and minimize physical pain. So whether you want to release euphoria-inducing chemicals like dopamine and adrenaline or change the wiring in your brain, here are some ideas to consider:

Invest emotionally. Make time for each other just as you would for any valuable asset. Remember why you fell in love and keep romance alive. A gentle touch or quick hug releases oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces stress levels. When you're feeling tense, an affectionate moment can help you feel relaxed, closer, more loved. Studies show that celebrating positive events predict greater relationship satisfaction than commiserating over negative ones. The efforts you both make will be returned in multiples.

Eliminate boredom. Although lightheartedness is often one of the first casualties of hectic family life, when the kids grow up you may feel a void and realize your relationship isn't exciting anymore. Do you wonder who is this person and what did I first see in him? If so, talk to your partner about how you feel, without judging or accusing. And come to the conversation prepared with suggestions for change. Plan some adventures and discover new activities you both enjoy. Take on a physical challenge together and train to make it happen. Have fun together, laugh and bring humor into your daily life. Being playful can lead to greater intimacy.

Interested in sharing how you've worked to change your relationship? Just click on ‘comments’ below and follow the prompts. And log on Wednesday for more practical insight about refreshing your marriage.

Caution, Curves Ahead

Last week, I was driving down one of the canyons in Los Angeles, quickly moving the steering wheel left and right as the road twisted and turned. It was like playing an arcade game, trying to keep your car on the virtual road, going as fast as you can. In those videos, the sharp curves keep switching and obstacles suddenly appear, causing you to crash and burn if you're not reacting fast enough.

It may be fun to play on a screen but what about when life itself mirrors this wild experience? If you find yourself in the midst of a constant stream of challenges, threatening to devastate you, you're probably looking for a way to tone down the level of your reactions and emotions. Here are two ways to begin:

Give up the illusion of control. If you're a sandwiched boomer, you've probably already noticed that you don't have very much control over the way your growing children or aging parents behave. Juggling work and parenting responsibilities, do you still somehow hold on to the belief that you can determine the way those around you act? This is the time to let go of your unrealistic expectations and the belief that you can create a perfect outcome. What you can change is how you react to what comes your way. Choose to focus on looking inside as you shift to more positive emotions. And turn the challenges coming at you as opportunities for growth.

Give up the guilt. When things don't turn out the way you expect, do you blame yourself? Whether it's trouble maintaining a balance between work and family or your needs and your partner's, don't beat yourself up for your choices - learn from them. Instead of dwelling on past mistakes, forgive yourself, let go of your negative feelings and allow yourself the opportunity to regroup and try something else. You're doing the best you can so give yourself some credit and ease up. After all, you're human, not all-knowing, and you deserve another chance. Friends can give you support and perspective as you share your feelings and concerns.

Stop by again Wednesday for more tips on plotting a course for yourself. And if you're stressed from dealing with the ups and downs of the economy, consider our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Valentine’s Day and Emotional Intimacy

This year we began early, focusing Monday's post on a more satisfying Valentine's Day. Now that February is officially here, what else can you do to set the tone for the day of love? We know how busy you are, but reading these two easy-to-use tips will only take a minute:

Teerapun / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Inject humor and laughter. Lightheartedness is often the first casualty of a hectic family life. Keep fun alive by joking around, sending silly texts or using pet names. Making time to be playful and engaging with each other can often lead to greater satisfaction and deeper intimacy.

Stay connected. A gentle touch or quick hug can release oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces blood pressure and stress levels. When you're feeling tense, an affectionate moment can help you feel closer, loved and even more relaxed.

By now you must know that you can't change your partner. But you can impact his reactions if you shift your own attitude, feelings and behavior. Then, as your union becomes stronger, he may decide to make some changes in himself - and that will benefit the relationship.

You see, positive emotions can open you both to new possibilities. Try to let your heart do the talking and commit to little changes that mean a lot. When you bring out the best in each other, you create a reservoir of goodwill. Look at is as an investment in your emotional bank account. And on Valentine’s Day, be ready to start cashing in the dividends.

Begin a Journal in 2012

Have you made your 2012 New Year’s resolutions or aligned your energy with your deepest intentions? Want to know the best way to stay on track? Keep a journal.

Photo by Skrive - Flickr.com

This process helps you create a plan and the tools to actualize it.

Treat your journal like a good friend who listens without interrupting, criticizing or judging. Write about anything that comes to mind, like what’s bothering you or what’s not working. Journaling can clear your head and relieve stress. It helps you work through problems as well as opens you up to new ideas.

If you’re ready to give it a try, let these practical tips guide you:

Begin to write. By getting your ideas out of your head and onto paper you can examine them objectively and pursue goals that are right for you. Think about what may be holding you back or what you're protecting. Ask questions like, what am I afraid of? Or why am I sabotaging myself? Try to write without censoring. If you follow a stream of consciousness, you’ll uncover new ideas and meaningful answers.

Isolate pessimistic thoughts. Access the negative self-beliefs that prevent you from living the life you want. And write down the deep, dark secrets you're too scared to admit out loud. Then counter these with positive affirmations. Focus on how much others value you and how you contribute to the lives of family and friends.

Release emotions. If you have pent up feelings, writing can be cathartic. It helps you regulate your negative emotions and savor your positive ones. If you let go of judgment and trust your feelings, you'll open up to a deeper, more expressive experience. Read between the lines of your journal and trust what you discover - ways that you can express yourself, resolve conflict, gain closure, find inner strength, build relationships.

If you already journal, please tell our readers still on the fence the most important reason why. And log on here Wednesday for more ideas about journaling.

In the meantime, do you want more support to move toward your 2012 goals or intentions? Sign the email list to the left of this post to receive our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and download a complimentary eBook about reaching your goals.

Virtual Book Tour with Anne Kreamer

Readers, we're delighted you're here at our Virtual Book Tour and we give a hearty welcome to author Anne Kreamer. We first featured Anne and her book, Going Gray, in 2007. We think that you'll find what she has to say about her new and thought provoking book, It's Always Personal, very interesting. So let's get started:

Nourishing Relationships:
What motivated you to initiate the investigation to do this book and is there a personal story behind your desire to do this project?

Anne Kreamer:
My interest in the subject of emotion in the workplace crept up on me, starting from a very personal point of view, then growing in gradual concentric circles to include statistical research and neuroscience. A few years ago I was chatting with my former colleague, Sara Levinson, who has been a top executive within both deeply male (MTV, the NFL) and deeply female (Club Mom, the women’s group at Rodale publishing) professional environments. She asked me a funny question: Did I know any woman who had never cried at work? While I’d obviously never conducted a crying-on-the-job poll of my friends, I realized that no, I probably didn’t. And certainly I had cried, years earlier, when I was a senior vice president at Viacom’s Nickelodeon, the children’s network, and my uber-boss, Sumner Redstone, called me for the first time -- and screamed at me.

With that one cocktail-party question, I set off on a two-year journey exploring emotion -- negative emotions, positive emotions, all emotions -- in the modern workplace. The timing of Sara’s question was also interesting. It came during the recession in America which led to the tectonic plate-shifting fact that women were the majority of the workforce for the first time in history. Secondly, developments in the field of neuroscience meant that also for the first time in history we had the ability to observe living, working brains in action. Those two major new facts led me to wonder if this moment presented a unique opportunity to reassess traditional emotional workplace norms.

N R:
What are the main differences you noticed between men and women in the work place?

A K:
There is not one easy answer to this question -- in fact, the answer to this is woven throughout my book and involves both inherent neurobiological as well as socially conditioned differences. But I’ll try and address a few differences.

When equal employment laws were passed in the United States during the 1960s, men overwhelmingly controlled the style and protocols of the workplace, which de facto meant that equality for women meant that they had to adapt and adopt male standards for professional behavior – and really the blandest versions of male behavior at that. As they entered the workforce and for most of the almost half century since, women have been instructed to “man up” and “whatever you do, don’t let them see you cry.” To be successful, many women had to deny and suppress distinctly female parts of themselves -- their nurturing impulses, their essential femininity and, as I discovered, aspects of their intrinsic biology. So right off the bat the rules for women were different because women in significant ways weren't permitted to be themselves.

Let’s look an anger, for instance. In 2007, Victoria Brescoll, who teaches at the Yale School of Management, conducted three studies in which people watched videos of male and female actors pretending to apply for jobs, and sometimes showing anger. Whether the angry female in the experiments was described as a trainee or an executive, both men and women rated the angry woman lower than a comparable man if she showed anger. Additionally, the women’s anger was blamed on her -- “she is an angry person,” “she is out of control” -- whereas men’s emotional reactions were ascribed to some external factor that seemed to justify anger -- “the work was shoddy” or “the report sucked.” In real life angry women at work cry, with tears and blubbering as the unintended, rechanneled byproducts of anger.

One of the fascinating things I discovered through two national polls I conducted, and which academic research corroborates, is that women consider people who cry at work “unstable,” which sounds like a chronic and serious character flaw… whereas men see crying at work as at worst “unprofessional” behavior, more suggestive of a forgivable circumstantial lapse. Men in our survey said that after crying their minds felt sharper, the future brighter, and they felt more physically relaxed and “in control” than before the incident. Women? Women felt the exact opposite.

N R:
Are the reasons why people cry, or explode emotionally, at work mainly due to situations experienced in the office or events in their personal lives that are carried to the work place? Of this two, which one is more "frowned upon"?

A K:
I don’t think there is one that is more “frowned upon.” What I do think is that we are very, very confused about the boundaries between the two realms. In the old days -- pre-Internet, pre-cell phones -- it was a lot easier to believe that work = rational and home = emotional. But now that work and home life bleed into each other constantly, that distinction has become anachronistic and probably self-defeating. People text and e-mail their friends and family members throughout the workday, and they receive messages from colleagues and clients on nights and weekends and during vacations.

The membranes between private life and work, especially office work, have always been porous, but today employers and employees expect accessibility and accountability pretty much round-the-clock. And whereas old-school office memos and business letters generally weren’t expected to be friendly or candid -- that is, human -- business e-mails most definitely are.

Conversely, what used to be considered private behavior can instantly reverberate at work through social networking. People fire off e-mails late at night only to regret their tone and intent in the cold light of day. Facebook friends from work can stumble on wild-and-crazy pictures from a bachelorette party. Tweets and anonymous mobile video uploads can instantly broadcast unflattering emotional displays by surly customer service employees or misbehaving CEOs.

The conventional wisdom used to be that we brought home the emotions we were unable to express while at work - snapping (or worse) at unsuspecting partners and children. Which is as true as ever. What’s new is that home life — with all its messy, complicated emotional currents, has become inextricably and undeniably woven into the workplace.

N R:
Your study suggests that men cry more than we’d assumed in the workplace; could you explain that in depth?

A K:
I think the conventional wisdom was that men simply didn’t cry in the workplace. That 9% of American men admitted that they did struck me as significant – and with men like John Boehner, the Republican Speaker of the House, or Mitch McConnell, the Republican leader for the U. S. Senate, crying visibly and frequently in public, it strikes me that we’ve reached a turning point in our culture where it is acceptable for men to express emotion. In fact, research reveals that those who “lead from the heart” are viewed as more trustworthy.

N R:
Is crying a good therapy to release stress and maintain productive?

A K:
Tears are nature’s natural emotional reset valve. Tears are not an emotion, but rather are our bodies way to express that an individual has experienced an intense emotion. Psychic tears (as opposed to irritant tears, the kind we release when cutting an onion) happen in response to strong experiences – of joy, sadness, anger, anxiety, fear. Tears help us release hormones that flood our bodies during those times of intense feeling and help us re-establish our baseline equilibrium. Tears also increase our dopamine production, thereby helping to return our bodies to equilibrium – and they are also something akin to the warning lights on our car dashboards. You should pay attention to them – they are a signal communicating that something may be not quite right under the hood. There are many, many different kinds of tears – those of happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, pain, and joy and it’s important, as with warning lights on the dashboard, to figure out which kind you are experiencing and then understand what they are telling you – are you overwhelmed, underappreciated, angry? Then figure out how you want to address those issues. In the book I offer a variety of strategies for how one can do that.

N R:
Why do women feel so guilty after crying after an incident at work while men don’t?

A K:
Once again this is really complicated and I believe social conditioning is one of the primary reasons women feel ashamed after crying at work. And social conditioning fails to take into consideration basic biological differences between the genders. Women produce 6 times the amount of prolactin that men do and prolactin is the hormone that causes tear production. Women also have smaller tear ducts, that’s right, they are anatomically different from men’s so that when women do cry, tears most often will stream down their face, whereas men’s ears merely “tear up.” I think if we were all more educated about our neurobiology, women would feel less regret after crying – acknowledging their tears for the biological impulse, like breathing or a muscle reflex, that they are.

N R:
What are the different personality types you recognized in an ordinary office?

A K:
Based on the responses to over 1,000 regular working Americans in all 50 states, we identified four different primary types of emotion styles. I’ve named these Spouters, Accepters, Believers, and Solvers. Women and men were equally represented in all four groups. There were minimal differences among the four types between income and management levels which means that there is no one “right” type to be. If your reader’s would like to take a very simplified version of the survey they may do so here.

NR:
Can you give us a few tips for controlling our emotions in the work place?

A K:
I offer lots of what I call “emotion management toolkit” suggestions in the book, but if I had to select just one it would be to get outside and walk. If I’m walking in a city, the rich diversity of shops, people or street smells wafting out of restaurants stimulates me in ways that connect interesting new creative dots for me and if I’m walking in nature the rich loaminess of the soil, the chittering birds, frogs and insects calm me and connect me to my spiritual side. I find if I’m cranky or anxious, just walking out my door almost always lifts my mood. Changing perspective helps change your brain chemistry.

Thanks, Anne, for insight into your work and such thorough responses. Now, readers, it's your turn to share your thoughts and ask Anne your questions. Just click on 'comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'anonymous' - it's as easy as that. And if you want to learn more about Anne and her books, spend some time on her website.

Reduce Family Stress during the Holidays

Although the pictures you see are of Christmas trees, presents and smiling faces, there's a lot of chatter about the pressures on families during the holidays. How do you make this season as stress free as possible?

Try to understand what about the holidays is most significant to you and your family. And then decide to focus on what you want to do, not what you think you have to do. Begin to lay the groundwork for change in your family rituals.

Find emotional support. With the challenges of college kids coming home, integrating in-laws into the family and caring for aging parents, take a breather and call a friend. Share your feelings about what's going on in your family - get it off your chest and get some positive feedback.

Gratitude is a powerful emotion. Use it to your advantage. Point out your family's positive qualities rather than focusing on the negatives. Tell your loved ones what they mean to you. See their reaction and notice how it makes you feel.

Perhaps you don't have role models for repairing the family and have to make it up as you go along. Trust yourself in this process. Often the messiness of emotions leads to better understanding. Conflict can serve as an invitation to grow when you honor the importance of relationships. With family, there are no returns or exchanges even with a gift receipt. So embrace the holiday season and rejoice in the love and support of family.

Why not buy yourself a gift that costs less than a cup of coffee? At HerMentorCenter.com, you'll find an ebook Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success that's full of simple strategies that help reduce stress.

http://www.hermentorcenter.com/order.html

Take Stock of your Marriage

As Sandwiched Boomers with so much to do you probably spend a lot of time on automatic, going through the motions of your daily routine. When you don't deal directly with what's going on and how you feel about it, you may be surprised when you do notice. Here are some ways to 'take the temperature' of your marriage and start on the road to recovery:

Identify what you are feeling. As a first step, write down the emotions that now regularly surface. What is happening between you and your partner when you are feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed, embarrassed or frustrated? Chances are you have emotions ranging from disappointment to anger, and these are constantly changing. Don't worry - this is perfectly normal. But understanding what you feel and why can be the first step toward improving your situation.

Stop focusing on the past. Identify the hot button issues that are standing in your way and make efforts to resolve them. Your initiation of changes can be an encouraging sign to your partner. And the sooner you let go of the past, the quicker you can move forward to improve the goodwill in your relationship. It may not be easy to forgive, but it is a gift that you can give to both your partner and yourself.

In these shaky stock market days, many Sandwiched Boomers are facing additional difficulties as 401K's decline and retirement benefits melt away. The pundits tell us to keep our emotions out of the decision-making process, but that is not easy.

Your thoughts are mental products although they don't necessarily reflect an absolute reality. However, for you, they do represent how you feel. Some people can't help but operate emotionally. Others are more able to manage their emotions and function as if everything is fine.

Born to a single mother with serious financial problems, Debra often struggled with her feelings growing up. Now a married Sandwiched Boomer, with a lot of life experience under her belt, a family of her own, and more responsibility for her mom, she's dealing better with her emotions:

"I have to work at being more optimistic and worrying less. I no longer dwell so much on the negatives, and looking at things from a more positive perspective is not as hard as I thought it would be." Just like Debra, you can learn how to reframe your thoughts and take better care of your emotional self. Tune in tomorrow to learn some tips to beat the blues.