Facebook and Mothering - What's the Connection?

With the sweet smell of Mother's Day flowers beginning towane but the chocolates well ensconced on our hips, let's talk about our relationshipswith family and friends - and why they're so important to us.

This week when Facebook goes public, its worth is expectedto be about 100 billion dollars. Yep, that's not a typo, it's $100 billion, ifthe IPO shares are priced around $35 each. With over 900 million active users,how has Facebook achieved such a record-breakingsuccess in less than 10 years? It's built its success on the assumption that weall want to connect with family and friends, telling them about ourselves indetail – our status, our timeline, our likes, our milestones, our photos, ourfriends. And a recent study from Harvard has identified why they are right.

Researchers have shown that it feels good to talk about ourselves, either virtually onsocial media sites or in person. And we spend a lot of time doing it. About 40%of the things we say on a daily basis are self-disclosure, how we think orfeel. Using brain imaging as well as behavioral criteria, they found thattalking about ourselves triggers the same pleasurable responses as food ormoney. Brain scans indicate that areas in the limbic system have more activitywhen we're sharing information about us, just as they do when we're feelingsatisfaction from food, money or sex. So it's no wonder that we choose to brag aboutourselves.

Some have said that this preference for self-disclosure mayhave played a role in the Mother's Day cover of Time Magazine – on which a twenty-something mom is breast-feedingher almost 4 year-old son. While breast-feeding can enhance physical bonding aswell as provide unique enrichment and protective nutrients to little ones, the cover story highlights the controversies stemming from extended nursing – one of three major tenants of attachmentparenting. What are your feelings about the duration of breast-feeding? About "baby-wearing?"About sharing a family bed?

Raising children is never easy and there is no one perfectway for everyone. What have you found works best for you in nurturing yourkids? How does this affect the relationship with your partner? Share yourthoughts through our "Comment" button below and become part of theconversation.

And be sure to join us Wednesday when "ConflictWhisperer" Roger Frame, Ph.D. visits to talk about his book, Don't Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict. He'll beanswering questions and introducing us to his tools for conflict management.

You, Your Difficult Mother and Mother’s Day

Perhaps you're fed up with trying to win your mom’s approval and be accepted for who you are. Or you’re tired of feeling guilty and blaming yourself for the problems. Although we all want an emotionally healthy relationship with our mother, sometimes it’s not possible. Instead of trying to placate mom, understand that the anger is her problem and it’s not your responsibility to manage her emotions.

Silence your self doubt. It’s not uncommon for insecurity to be the legacy of a difficult mother. Challenge your negative internal scripts and put them to rest. Value those who listen as you share your opinions and desires. This will remind you that close relationships can be different from your relationship with your mother.

Begin to practice self love. You’ll feel more empowered as you list all that you have achieved without your mom’s encouragement or support. Realize that these assets belong to you alone. If you've spent a lifetime trying to be taken care of or consumed with rage about not having that kind of love, it may be hard to see yourself as the valuable person you really are. You’ll come to know that you are not defined by your mom but by what you envision yourself to be.

Notice the positives of the life you've created. When you were young, your mom's attitude or actions may have made you feel worthless or invisible. Did you fantasize about getting out from under her control and moving far away? Now that you are perhaps married, with a family and a successful life, you're no longer that helpless little girl. Admire and respect your grown up qualities - how responsible you are, being able to laugh at yourself, your fierce independence, common sense and good judgment.

As you continue working to get what you need, consider the possibility of offering forgiveness. Granted, your mom may have made it difficult to accept yourself or trust others. But know that forgiving your mother for who she is doesn't necessarily excuse her actions. And starting to extinguish the feelings of rejection and resentment can mark a new beginning for you - a Mother's Day gift that you give yourself, freeing you from the past.

Difficult Moms and Mother's Day

When we’re young, it’s mom who gratifies our needs and takes care of our hurts. But she is also the first one to impose control and set limits. As we grow, memories of this primary and most powerful relationship are imprinted deep in our psyche.

It’s through attachments that we eventually learn who we are and what we feel. Some moms don’t acknowledge their kids as independent and set up coercive relationships with conditions on love and approval. In all stages of life, children with difficult mothers struggle with self doubt and worry others will disapprove of them.

Even though the media leads us to believe that all mothers deserve flowers on Mother’s Day, not all moms are lovable. So how can you protect yourself from rejection and keep your self respect while trying to regulate closeness and distance? Here are some ideas that can help you take better care of yourself on Mother's Day and throughout the year:

Let go of the dream of having a loving mother. It's hard to face the fact that you don’t have a 'good enough' mother. Once and for all, step back and stand up for you. Now is the time to shift the focus away from her and begin to protect and nurture yourself.

Be clear about what you're willing to do. Does your mother still have unreasonable expectations? Instead of her valuing what you do, perhaps she criticizes or argues in return. Make a list of what you’ll tolerate and try to keep firm boundaries. And don’t assume that you have to do it all alone. Talk honestly about how you feel and encourage family members to do their share. Some adult children have to work it out by walking away.

Refuse to respond to unrealistic demands. You may have other commitments or not feel like it. You’ll see that you create more balance by setting limits. You don't have to continue identifying with the role of the victim. Think about seeing a therapist - learning how to soothe yourself and manage your moods will put you more in control of your life.

Log on Wednesday to learn more about how to shift the focus to you, beginning on Mother’s Day.

Nurturing Your Mom on Mother's Day with More Than Chocolates

With Mother's Day less than a week from now, are you still searching for that perfect gift? Sending flowers, candy and greeting cards are de rigueur for Mom but, as members of the Baby Boomer generation, we recognize that what your aging mother really wants on her special day is to feel nurtured.

Sharon's mother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, no longer recognized her. Sharon felt very sad but resigned. "Mom is so sweet, even if she doesn't know who I am most of the time. It's now like I’m her mom and I feel good being able to help her when I can. I just want to get her the best care possible." Sharon’s attitude helps her understand the changes in her mother and plan what to do now.

Sandwiched Boomers recognize that aging is a natural progression and a normal part of the life cycle. But just as it is difficult to accept your own aging, when you witness your mother regressing, the facts of life provide scant comfort. Acknowledging your mother's decline in well-being, becomes the first step in your plans for realistic long-term care for her. This week, as you're planning for Mother's Day, we've got some tips to help your Mom know you care about her more than just during those 24 hours:

The gift of time is one of the most precious presents that you can give your aging mother. Spend some quality time with her talking and reminiscing. Look through old family photographs and ask her to tell you stories about when she was a young girl. The time you spend with her now will sustain you both.

Make your mom feel more valued by concentrating just on her - plan another date with her for lunch or shopping. When you pay attention to the details, you'll find you enjoy her company even more. Talk about what you are doing, appreciating and enjoying. Linger awhile in order to make it last.

Research shows that money, title, or good health has less effect on life satisfaction than strong personal relationships. So this Mother's Day, make a commitment to do what you can to improve your relationship and give your mom and yourself positive memories.

Mother's Day: A Difficult Mom and Forgiveness

With Mother's Day right around the corner, make sure you get some of what you need. And that could include the gift of forgiveness. But first:

Be clear about what you're willing to do. Perhaps your mother is older and still has unreasonable expectations of you but doesn't value what you do for her. What you get in return may be criticism, arguments or tantrums. Try your best to stick to your rules by writing a list of what you will tolerate. And don’t assume that you have to do it all alone. Talk openly and honestly about how you feel and encourage other family members to pitch in and do their share. Maintain firm boundaries as you handle these challenges.

Refuse to respond to unrealistic demands - or even realistic ones that you can't meet because of how you feel or other commitments. You can create a more balanced sense of wellbeing by setting limits, especially if your mother is verbally abusive. You don't have to continue to identify with the role of the victim. Although you may not be able to change what happens to you, you can change how you handle it. Consider the possibility of seeing a therapist or coach. Learning how to self soothe and manage your moods will help you feel more in control of your life.

As you continue to work on getting what you need and want, think about the possibility of offering forgiveness. Granted, your mom may have been incredibly damaging, making it difficult to accept yourself or trust others. But know that forgiving your mother for who she is and what she did to you doesn't necessarily excuse her actions. And starting to extinguish the feelings of rejection and resentment can mark a new beginning for you – a Mother's day gift that you give yourself, freeing you from the past.

For more support in starting this process, look to the left of this post and join the email list - you can download our complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned and free newsletter, Stepping Stones.

And don't forget to log on here tomorrow for our monthly Virtual Book Tour with Gary Zukav, author of the #1 New York Times best seller, The Seat of the Soul. Gary will be doing a Q&A about Spiritual Partnership: The Journey to Authentic Power. You'll be able to ask Gary questions by clicking on "Comments" at the bottom of the post.

Mother's Day: Tips for Sandwiched Boomers Challenged by a Difficult Mother

Are you dreading Mother's Day again this year and worrying about what to do for your mom? You may never have been close, or are now estranged and feeling angry. Have you cut the mother-daughter ties and ignore the day, yet remain resentful and sad? Or do you just pretend everything is OK and give her a gift anyway? Even though the media lead us to believe that all mothers deserve flowers and chocolates, if you don't have a good relationship, this 'special' day can be agonizing.

The truth is not all mothers are lovable - some are hurtful, critical, overly controlling and even destructive. Maybe your mother suffers from alcohol or drug dependency or is narcissistic , has been physically abusive or emotionally neglectful. You may be fed up with trying to win her approval and be accepted for who you are. Or sick and tired of feeling guilty and blaming yourself for the problems in the relationship. This week we'll be sharing some ideas that can help you take better care of yourself, on Mother's Day and throughout the year.

Let go of the dream of having a loving mother and a relationship that is emotionally healthy. It's not easy to face the fact that your mom is self absorbed and has serious problems - or to fully acknowledge your pain in not having a 'good enough' mother. Once and for all, stand up and step back. Now is the time to shift the focus away from her. And begin to protect, nurture and mother yourself.

Whether or not you're a sandwiched boomer, you may be challenged by your relationship with a difficult mother. Join us again tomorrow for more practical tips to help you break free from the pain of your past. Need help in mustering the courage? Look to the left of this post and join the email list - you can download a complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned and free newsletter, Stepping Stones.

We have been talking about Mother's Day all week and now here are some more suggestions for you Sandwiched Boomers as you continue to deal with the complicated relationship with your aging mother.

The old fashioned art of letter writing can help you develop a closer bond with your mom, even after all these years. Write her a letter about how grateful you feel to have her as your mother. Sharing these feelings increases good memories about the past and leads to greater personal satisfaction for both of you.

If you have some old, unpleasant issues to work out with your mother, you may be able to move forward in addressing them by writing her an apology letter or a letter offering forgiveness. When you apologize, you free yourself from shame or guilt and your mother from dwelling on anger or resentment.

When you forgive your mother for some past transgression, it doesn't necessarily excuse the action, but does free you from ruminating about it. Forgiveness releases you from the past; it is a gift that you give to yourself.

Tomorrow, we'll share a story with you about how one woman in the Sandwiched Generation grew and forged a new bond with her older mother. You can think about it as you write your own story.

With Mother's Day celebrations just three days ago, how can you in the Sandwiched Generation set the stage this year to let your mom know that you care about her more than just during those 24 hours?

The gift of time is one of the most precious presents that you can give your aging mother. Spend some quality time with her talking and reminiscing. Look through old family photographs and ask her to tell you stories about when she was a young girl. The time you spend with her now will sustain you both.

Make your mom feel more valued by concentrating just on her - plan a date with her for lunch or shopping. Let yourself become absorbed and delight in these pleasurable activities. Pay attention to the details. Talk about what you are doing, appreciating and enjoying. Linger awhile in order to make it last.

On some of your visits do a chore to ease her burden - go grocery shopping together, accompany her to the next doctor's appointment, cook a delicious meal with enough left over for the next day.

Come back tomorrow and we'll give you Sandwiched Boomers some more bite-sized suggestions for nurturing your mother.

You may have sent flowers, candy and greeting cards to your mom on Mother's Day but, as Sandwiched Boomers, we recognize that what aging mothers really want every day of the year is to feel nurtured.

Ellie's mother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, no longer recognized her. Ellie felt very sad but resigned. "Mom is so sweet, even if she doesn't know who I am most of the time. It's now like I’m her mom and I feel good being able to help her when I can. I just want to get her the best care possible." Ellie’s attitude helps her understand the changes in her mother and plan what to do now.

Baby Boomers recognize that aging is a natural progression and a normal part of the life cycle. But just as it is difficult to accept your own aging, when you witness your mother regressing, the facts of life provide scant comfort. Acknowledging your mother's decline in well-being, becomes the first step in your plans for realistic long-term care for her.

Research shows that money, title, or good health has less effect on life satisfaction than strong personal relationships. So now that Mother's Day is over, make a commitment to do what you can to improve your relationship and give your mom and yourself positive memories. Tune in the rest of this week for six tips to help you get started.

We hope you all had a lovely Mother's Day and were able to connect with your family members.

We are happy to announce the winner of our Mother's Day contest. Here is the winning essay, written by Sheri Fisher, who will receive a spring bouquet to enjoy, compliments of NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and HerMentorCenter.com.

"My mother has been gone now for twelve years, but the most significant thing I think she taught me was to be independent.

When I was growing up she always worked at an outside job. Therefore, I was left on my own a lot to fend for myself, whether it was making my own lunch, or just entertaining myself. As a child I always resented the fact that she was never around so that we could develop a relationship and talk.

As I got older and married, had a family, divorced and remarried, moved to another city all by myself to develop a new life, remarried again, one day I had a light bulb moment! I stopped those old tapes in my head about how I was left on my own so much as a child, how my mother was never there after school with the homemade cookies and milk. I realized the fact that because she did teach me to have such independence, I was able to carry on in my life the way many women of my generation could not have done, such as moving to a new city all by myself without knowing anyone and building a whole new life, traveling to Europe alone and having a new adventure and loving it. Things like that were only possible because I was, and still am, so independent.

I wish my mother was here today so I could tell her how much she actually did for me and to thank her and tell her how much I loved her and can now appreciate what she did for me."

Sherri responded to our award by writing: "Thank you so much for this honor. I am very excited about winning the essay and the bouquet. Thank you again and I wish all the mothers in the world a very Happy Mother's Day."

Stay tuned in for more information about our upcoming Father's Day contest. You'll have a chance to honor your Dad and the lessons you have learned from that important man in your life. We'll announce the winner in our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and here on the blog next month, where we'll publish her essay. And our champion will again receive flowers from us. So send us your reminiscences about your Dad and what he taught you. Email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com.

The interview with Anne Kreamer, author of "Going Gray," yesterday was lively and generated a lot of pertinent comments. Both poles were well represented - all the way from I color my hair because it makes me feel younger, looks better, keeps me competitive in the marketplace, my husband loves it - to it costs less, is who I am, saves time, makes me feel good, attracts attention.

Anne Kreamer, in reply, said...
I appreciate all of your comments and find the exchange interesting. I have to say, Fran, that I am not at all surprised that you feel the competitive need to dye your hair. Ageism is real and even though my research revealed that we don't actually fool anyone about our biological age by using hair dye, as a society we have collectively agreed to pretend to believe the illusion. And work is the place where the rubber really does hit the road. Until lots of senior executive women keep their natural hair color, it will be a challenge to anyone in a high visibility position to buck convention.

As for advice for a man who is losing his hair. I'd suggest doing what Bruce Willis and Michael Jordan did -- shave it. I imagine the first few days would be shocking but then I bet you'd like it. And worst case scenario -- you grow it back and keep what you've got short.

Finally, I think that all women of every skin and hair type can look fabulous with gray hair, but it requires thinking about clothing colors and make-up differently -- you might need to brighten a lipstick or pick a more vibrant color closer to your face to offset the pale hair color.


So no matter whether you color your hair or go au natural, we send very special wishes and celebrate all of you on Mother's Day.

With Mother’s Day coming next weekend, this Sunday marks the end of our contest honoring motherhood and the nurturing women in your life. You still have a chance to tell us about the most significant lesson you have learned from a special caring woman – your mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, sister, aunt, daughter, favorite teacher, mentor. Just email us at www.Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com and tell us why this woman had such a meaningful impact on you.

We will publish the winning tribute here on our blog and also in our May newsletter - and reward you with a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers! Visit our website to sign up for your own copy of our free newsletter, Stepping Stones. And happy Mother’s Day to all of you Sandwiched Generation Boomers.

With Mother's Day only four weeks away, in honor of motherhood and the nurturing women in your life, we are sponsoring a timely contest for Sandwiched Boomers. Tell us about the most significant lesson you have learned from a special, caring woman - your mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, aunt, daughter, a favorite teacher, mentor - the choice is up to you. You can submit as many stories of gratitude as you like. Simply email us at www.Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com explaining why this woman had such a meaningful impact on you.

The winner will receive a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers and her tribute will be posted here on the blog and in our newsletter, Stepping Stones.

Those of you who subscribe to our free monthly newsletter heard about the contest earlier this week and several women have already sent in their stories. The cut off date is May 4, 2008, so get busy thinking about the important women in your life and how you can honor them. And if you want to receive your own copy of our newsletter next month, you can go to www.HerMentorCenter.com and sign up for it.