Coping With Your Aging Dad on Father's Day

Father's Day gives us the chance to salute our dads and say thanks for all they're done for us. As a young girl, mine taught me how to swim, stand on my head and play tennis; as a teen, how to be responsible and accomplish my goals; as an adult how to feel cherished. As we all grow and mature, our relationships with our fathers change but the bond of love is constant.

If your dad has become more fragile as he ages, it's likely that your connection has been transformed. As more Baby Boomers become caretakers for their aging fathers, the stress of struggling with the issues this raises can be overwhelming. It's easy to become weighed down by the duties and responsibilities of caring for Dad. When you feel sandwiched between the demands of career and family, try these tips to help sustain you:

Get help. You don't have to do it alone. Reach out, create a network, hire someone to assist Dad as often as you think it's necessary. Have support systems in place, even if it's over his objections. Make good use of community interventions, respite care, support groups and adult caregiver resources.

Involve your siblings. Be honest with your family about your needs. Engage them in the problems and the solutions. Ask for practical help and delegate responsibilities. Have them set aside personal agendas and work together toward goals on which you've agreed.

Consider your present challenge as a teachable moment. Learn from the experience and apply these lessons to other areas of your life. What insight have you gained about dealing with your own healthy aging process? How can you talk to your children about your wishes when you become older?

Look for positives. Think less about what you're losing and more about the chance you may be gaining. Spending more time with your father, you'll have the opportunity to give back to him emotionally what he's given to you. And you may learn a lot about yourself and your capacity for resiliency as you care for Dad in the last years of his life.

If you're part of the Sandwich Generation, these may be especially difficult times. Rely on whatever sustains you as you search for a way to nourish yourself. Call on friends for support as well as your faith, spirituality, and sense of humor.

This weekend, if you can, let Dad know how much you appreciate the role he has played in your life. If your father is no longer alive, share stories about him with your children and grandchildren so they will know the kind of man he was. And a very Happy Father's Day to all the men in our lives.

Father's Day and Your Aging Dad

With Father's Day approaching, are your thoughts turning to the men in your life – father, husband, son, other male figures? Mine are. It's heartwarming to see how my sons have become devoted dads themselves, reflecting their own loving father. This weekend, I'll also be honoring the memory of my dad, who died in his 90^th year over a decade ago.    

While helping with his care during the final years of a chronic illness, it was painful to see how he was declining. Always active and fun-loving while I was growing up, he became weaker as he aged, both mentally and physically. As Sandwiched Boomers, it's difficult towatch as your parents deteriorate. And they may complicate the situation by being in denial about their vulnerable condition.

Today nearly 10 million adults are caregivers for their aging parents. If you're caring for an elderly father, it's up to you to acknowledge the true state of affairs and be straightforward in dealing with his increasing fragility. You'll need to discuss practical, yet uncomfortable, issues - health care directives, long-term care options, a designated power of attorney, distribution of income and assets. After addressing your most immediate concerns, here are some tips to help you plan and implement your care:

Learn about your dad’s illness. Educate yourself on what to expect and how to recognize warning signs threatening your father's health and independence.  Talk to friends who have gone through similar experiences in order to get realistic feedback and concrete advice.

Surf the Internet to investigate resources available to you. Some nonprofit organizations offer free services or financial grants for respite care for family members who provide most of the care to their chronically ill elders. If you're in the U.S., the National Family Caregiver Support Program provides funds and the Eldercare Locator identifies programs in local communities.

Involve you dad in decision-making. If you decide it's necessary to move your father out of his home or take over management of his finances that may signify a loss of independence to him, leading to anger, frustration, or depression. Understanding his pain, taking it slow and engaging a geriatric social worker or gerontologist can help the process.

Embrace the changes in your dad and respect his integrity. As he becomes less strong physically and mentally, he may lose some of the magical power he once had in your eyes. Still you can admire his courage and dignity, as he struggles, coming to terms with end of life issues. Recall the good times you shared even as you adjust to the changes in your roles.

Check back here again on Wednesday for more Father's Day tips for caring for your aging dad – especially if you're part of the sandwich generation.

Your Relationships with Mom May be Complicated this Mother's Day

Are your plans for Mother's Day affected by your complex feelings for your aging mother? Your relationship with your mom is likely to be full of twists and turns, evolving over the years as you change. One Sandwiched Boomer ruminates about how she transformed her connections with her mother:

When Carol was a teenager, she felt that her strong mother was trying to control her. She looked forward to getting out from under her thumb and moved far away when she married and raised her own family. As her children matured, so did Carol. Soon she recognized that she admired and respected many of her mother’s characteristics - her sense of responsibility, her independence, her humor, her common sense. She forgave her mother and began to reach out to her: After she had a stroke, I moved her into our home. We all became closer and I began to understand her better. I wouldn't trade that year for anything.

On Monday, we shared some tips with you for making Mother's Day especially meaningful this year. Here are 4 more to consider as you plan for this Sunday - and the rest of the years you have together:

The old fashioned art of letter writing can help you develop a closer bond. Write her a letter about how grateful you feel to have her as your mother. Sharing these feelings increases good memories about the past and leads to greater personal satisfaction for both of you.

If you have some old issues to work out with your mother, you may be able to move forward in addressing them by writing her an apology letter or a letter offering forgiveness. When you apologize, you free yourself from shame or guilt and your mother from dwelling on anger or resentment.

When you forgive your mother for some past transgression, it doesn't necessarily excuse the action, but does free you from ruminating about it. Forgiveness releases you from the past; it is a gift that you give to yourself.

On some of your visits after Mother's Day do a chore to ease her burden - go grocery shopping together, accompany her to the next doctor's appointment, cook a delicious meal with enough left over for the next day.

Enjoy your mother on Sunday and savor these moments. Reflect on the positive feelings you have from the past and cultivate rich memories now to sustain you in the future. And have a happy Mother's Day yourself.

Nurturing Your Mom on Mother's Day with More Than Chocolates

With Mother's Day less than a week from now, are you still searching for that perfect gift? Sending flowers, candy and greeting cards are de rigueur for Mom but, as members of the Baby Boomer generation, we recognize that what your aging mother really wants on her special day is to feel nurtured.

Sharon's mother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, no longer recognized her. Sharon felt very sad but resigned. "Mom is so sweet, even if she doesn't know who I am most of the time. It's now like I’m her mom and I feel good being able to help her when I can. I just want to get her the best care possible." Sharon’s attitude helps her understand the changes in her mother and plan what to do now.

Sandwiched Boomers recognize that aging is a natural progression and a normal part of the life cycle. But just as it is difficult to accept your own aging, when you witness your mother regressing, the facts of life provide scant comfort. Acknowledging your mother's decline in well-being, becomes the first step in your plans for realistic long-term care for her. This week, as you're planning for Mother's Day, we've got some tips to help your Mom know you care about her more than just during those 24 hours:

The gift of time is one of the most precious presents that you can give your aging mother. Spend some quality time with her talking and reminiscing. Look through old family photographs and ask her to tell you stories about when she was a young girl. The time you spend with her now will sustain you both.

Make your mom feel more valued by concentrating just on her - plan another date with her for lunch or shopping. When you pay attention to the details, you'll find you enjoy her company even more. Talk about what you are doing, appreciating and enjoying. Linger awhile in order to make it last.

Research shows that money, title, or good health has less effect on life satisfaction than strong personal relationships. So this Mother's Day, make a commitment to do what you can to improve your relationship and give your mom and yourself positive memories.

Stepping Stones Through the Years

To celebrate the 75th anniversary issue of our newsletter, Stepping Stones, this week we are highlighting some of the past issues. You can find archived copies on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com. Click on "Newsletter Library" to read Stepping Stones going all the way back to 2001. For the articles appearing in newsletters after 2006, click on the link labeled "Nourishing Relationships." Here are some tidbits from some of those past newsletters:

In one newsletter, we suggested you initiate a conversation with your partner about your relationship:

We recognize that it can be difficult to begin this kind of a discussion. Eleanor describes her situation - does it sound familiar? "And then there is this communication thing. When I try to talk to my husband about what's going on with me I get one of two reactions. The first is a blank stare and I become aware that he hasn't the foggiest notion what I mean or what I need from him. The second is an annoyed response, with the realization that we are going in two very different directions."

Communication is as important at this stage in your life as it has always been in maintaining a strong and satisfying relationship. We have compiled a few questions to get you started in your exchange of ideas. It may be most helpful to first answer them separately and then come together to discuss your thoughts. Listen to your partner without judgment; stay positive and respectful of his ideas and opinions.

In another, Karen told her story about the diagnosis of a serious chronic illness and we reviewed some steps for simplifying life:

"It took several years to accept my new limitations, to mourn the old dream and to find a new one. Now, I pace myself and prioritize differently. I plan carefully to preserve my energy so there is time for work, rest, friends and family. There is less of each than I would have wanted but the balance makes it satisfying."

Karen has chosen to create a positive outlook on life in response to her negative health situation. Through a series of steps she has developed a philosophy of "less is more" that enables her to truly enjoy her life. She has adapted her interests and activities to accommodate her changed situation. She still does what is important to her - just differently.

Another issue of Stepping Stones focused on a Sandwiched Boomer coping with caring for an aging parent as she changed from Daddy's little girl to Dad's caregiver:

It was painful for Tricia, as her father declined in his 80's. "Dad and I shared such fun times together when I was young - he taught me how to ride a horse, shoot a BB gun, ice skate, stand on my head. He was always so active. Last year, I had to insist that he not drive anymore. Now, seeing him shuffle around just breaks my heart."

It's difficult to watch as your parents deteriorate. And they may complicate the situation by being in denial about their vulnerable condition. It's up to you to acknowledge the true state of affairs and be straightforward in dealing with their increasing fragility. A number of issues must be discussed, uncomfortable as that is - health care directives in an emergency, long-term care options, the designated power of attorney, distribution of income and assets. Yet after evaluating the practical issues that need to be managed, you will feel more in control as you gather detailed information and make arrangements for the most immediate concerns."

So whether you're working on the relationship with your life partner, coping with illness and stress in your life or caring for an aging parent as a Sandwiched Boomer, our newsletters have tips to help. To receive your own copy of Stepping Stones, simply click on the link below and to the left labeled "FREE Newsletter." Once a month, you'll receive Stepping Stones in your email box to read and enjoy at your leisure.

Sandwich Generation: Make it Happen

As Valentine's Day approaches, you don't have to feel down in the dumps. If you're single and a member of the Sandwich Generation, do you have an aging parent who's not feeling so well or an adult chld who's going through a rough period? Reach out and see what happens to you when you bring a smile to their face.

Give back some love. Go outside your normal routine and get in touch with a relative or neighbor you've been meaning to call or visit - it could brighten the day for both of you. Studies show that when you shift attention away from yourself to others, you actually feel better.

Volunteer your time. Nothing makes the day more special than a good deed. And the payback of altruism or giving back can help you see the situation from a much better perspective. Spending the day in a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter helps those in need, increases your connections and can improver your sense of self.

Focus on a relationship plan. If it's what you want, you can define objectives that will move you in that direction. Tell those you trust that you would appreciate being fixed up. Make a list of what you expect in a partner and what changes you may be willing to make. Join a singles group or a dating website. Take whatever steps you think are vital to improve your chances.

Still need more encouragement to feel good about yourself? Clicking on the title of this post will take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com, and an article about how to turn a crisis into a challenge.

The Sandwich Generation and the State of the Union

Comments that have been logged onto our blog clarify that while we, and others, use the term Sandwich Generation, we are not actually referring to a real generation but rather to a stage of life in which any generation is stressed by caring for growing children and aging parents at the same time.

Yet the predicaments of the Sandwich Generation are even more relevant in today's world. Between 40 and 50 million Americans are now acting as unpaid care-givers to their aging parents, with one-third of them still raising children. And, in the average case, it is a working woman in her late 40's, stressed by trying to do it all.

Sandwich Generation issues have been exacerbated due to a combination of circumstances: since the last decade or two of the 20th century, couples have been starting their families later in life; adolescence has expanded at least into the twenties, abetted by helicopter parents and with boomerang kids returning home, requiring financial assistance in a bad economy; seniors have been living longer, often with chronic illnesses - and with close to one-half of the workforce being women, we are often pulled and pushed by both ends of our family while having little time, energy and financial resources to care for ourselves while reacting to the needs of our loved ones in this recession.

While the lead-up to the State of the Union address indicated that a key theme would be helping the Sandwich Generation, President Obama made only a modest set of proposals to address these issues for middle-class families: increasing the child-care tax credit and capping student loan repayments.

It is expected that, in the next month, he will advance two additional proposals based on Vice-President Biden's task force: additional child-care funding for low-income families and increasing funding for programs assisting people caring for aging family members - through respite care, counseling, training and referrals - and for services allowing those elders to remain in their homes longer.

We can only hope that there will be assistance forthcoming to Sandwich Generation members, reducing their stress and anxieties as they care for their families-in-flux. To read about how to ease yourself into the role of care-giver for an aging parent, click on the post title above to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, How to Shift from Daddy's Girl to Dad's Caregiver.