The Sandwich Generation and the State of the Union

Comments that have been logged onto our blog clarify that while we, and others, use the term Sandwich Generation, we are not actually referring to a real generation but rather to a stage of life in which any generation is stressed by caring for growing children and aging parents at the same time.

Yet the predicaments of the Sandwich Generation are even more relevant in today's world. Between 40 and 50 million Americans are now acting as unpaid care-givers to their aging parents, with one-third of them still raising children. And, in the average case, it is a working woman in her late 40's, stressed by trying to do it all.

Sandwich Generation issues have been exacerbated due to a combination of circumstances: since the last decade or two of the 20th century, couples have been starting their families later in life; adolescence has expanded at least into the twenties, abetted by helicopter parents and with boomerang kids returning home, requiring financial assistance in a bad economy; seniors have been living longer, often with chronic illnesses - and with close to one-half of the workforce being women, we are often pulled and pushed by both ends of our family while having little time, energy and financial resources to care for ourselves while reacting to the needs of our loved ones in this recession.

While the lead-up to the State of the Union address indicated that a key theme would be helping the Sandwich Generation, President Obama made only a modest set of proposals to address these issues for middle-class families: increasing the child-care tax credit and capping student loan repayments.

It is expected that, in the next month, he will advance two additional proposals based on Vice-President Biden's task force: additional child-care funding for low-income families and increasing funding for programs assisting people caring for aging family members - through respite care, counseling, training and referrals - and for services allowing those elders to remain in their homes longer.

We can only hope that there will be assistance forthcoming to Sandwich Generation members, reducing their stress and anxieties as they care for their families-in-flux. To read about how to ease yourself into the role of care-giver for an aging parent, click on the post title above to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, How to Shift from Daddy's Girl to Dad's Caregiver.

Caring for Your Aging Parents

Anytime tomorrow, Thursday, September 17th, please join us here for a Virtual Book Tour with Barbara E. Friesner, founder of AgeWiseLiving™. Barbara, a Generational Coach, is an expert on issues affecting the elderly and their families. You'll find Barbara answering questions about her book, The Ultimate Caregiver’s Success Guide.



Her resource for eldercare providers is filled with over 200 pages of step-by-step solutions to your pressing questions. For more than 25 years, Barbara has been a care manager, first for her grandmother and then 17 years for her mother, who had severe dementia. She learned first-hand how emotional and overwhelming eldercare can be. As a result, Friesner started AgeWiseLiving™ and provides one-on-one Generational Coaching to help family members resolve their eldercare issues by choice, not crisis.

Get a headstart by going to HerMentorCenter.com and read some of our article on aging parents. Clicking on the title of this post will land you on an article about The Tarnished Golden Years.

We are delighted that Barbara will be visiting our blog and invite you to drop by. Read the interview, then click on "Comments" at the end of the post. Follow the prompts that come up, you can even sign in as 'Anonymous.' Share your own experience with other readers or ask Barbara a questions and learn from the wisdom of her answers.

Caring for the Caregiver

Yesterday, Susan Levin of 50somethinginfo.com talked about caring for loved ones as they approach death. Here are some of her tips about how to take care of yourself as well:

• Be conscious of caregiver burnout-- Get help from family members (even older children and siblings) and hired caregivers. Oftentimes, it takes more than one person to maneuver another person.

• Keep a visitor on the premises for no longer than 10 minutes (it’s easier on both the patient and the caregiver).

• Consider the dying process a family affair, one that can and should involve older children.

• Educate yourself to know what to expect ahead of time.

• Realize that some comatose patients have the power to hear and respond.

• Call in the clergy for final rituals.

• Rituals are calming.

• Understand that the senses, such as hearing, may become more pronounced near death.

• Grant each grieving person some private time to commune in their own way with the departed.

As Susan says, "Helping someone die with dignity is gut-wrenching. But less so when you participate in the process together."

Our thanks to Susan for her insights and helpful tips. You can visit her at www.50somethinginfo.com for more information.

For some Nourishing Relationship tips for taking better care of yourself while you care for your aging parent, click on the title above. It will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and our article there, How to Shift from Daddy's Girl to Dad's Caregiver. The rest of this week, we will continue to give you Sandwiched Boomers some of our personal thoughts about communicating with your dying loved one in during the difficult process.

Today we look over some of the questions that have been raised this week about our tips for improving Sandwiched Boomers communications with loved ones.

Some of you have questions about how to get more bang for your buck when talking with your children. Lori says, "I just don't have the time and energy to fight with my son any more. What can I say to get him to do what I want?" Syd asks how to get her grown offspring to listen to her: "Give me a tool to use to speak with my adult children who couldn't care less about any idea I have. I raised them, yet they think I have gone through this life clueless, with no child rearing experience. Hello! Help!"


What I think Syd and Lori really mean is for their kids to respect their opinions. Questions for them both to ponder are: Do you respect theirs? Do you treat them as the adults they have become? Do you listen to them? When you enter into conversations with your adult children, don't expect them to behave just as you want them to. Instead, consider it a meeting of equal minds and you will fare better than searching for the magic control tool. Your children have a right to develop into adults and, with your encouragement, they will.

Other readers are concerned about communicating effectively with their aging parents in sensitive situations. Jen writes, " My sister and I have talked and talked with Mom about moving her out of her house but she won't budge. She is all alone there and we worry about her. I guess we'll just have to keep on trying. Thanks for your ideas." And another reader describes her situation, "I have a caregiver who comes in to help me with my father but lately I think she's trying to take over my place. What should I say to her?"

Talking with your parents can be extremely difficult when the subject revolves around their diminishing capacities. Just as with your children, an important consideration is respecting their dignity and need for a degree of influence. It may be frustrating for you to dance around the inevitability of your assistance in their lives, but it's best to take it one step at a time. When dealing with hired caregivers, assume that they are striving to do the best for your loved one and talk out any concerns openly and honestly with them.

Continue to think about these issues and share your ideas with us on the blog. We will come back again and revisit the art of Sandwich Generation communication.

"No, you don't need to bring in anyone to help me. I can take care of myself!"

"But, Mom, everyone is going. You never let me do anything with my friends!"

Are these the opening salvos in your talks with your parents and children nowadays?

Lately we've received questions from Sandwiched Boomers about how to improve communications with family members - aging parents who are beginning to lose some mental sharpness, teenagers who are closing doors to parents, both literally and figuratively, grown offspring and their marital partners who are busy starting their own lives, and even a long-term spouse who may have a different agenda for retirement planning. For the next few days, we turn our focus to talking with our family-in-flux in ways that increase the likelihood that both sides are listening.

Communication is best when it works both ways - learning to listen yourself makes it more likely that you will actually be heard when you are speaking. So today we stress your job as the receiver of messages. Whether you are listening to aging parents, growing children, or your changing spouse, the first rule of good communication is to pay attention. Although you may be great at multi-tasking, don't do it during important talks. Look at the person who is speaking to you - it will have a double whammy. You will learn a lot about his or her feelings from the body language and the speaker will know that you care enough to take the time to listen.

Give your partner in communication the time he needs to make his point - don't interrupt with your critique. Show the respect you have for her by listening while she presents her case. Once your family member has finished speaking, let them know that you understand what they have said, even if you may not agree with it. Ask them questions to clarify what they have said, avoiding arguing or demeaning them.

As you practice the skills of "active listening," you will find that family members are more likely to want to talk with you about issues that are significant to them. And the more motivated they are to communicate with you, the richer your conversations will become. What have you found to help when you are talking with your family about thorny topics?

As a Sandwiched Boomer, you may find that when you have faced a serious illness, your recovery can be easier when you have the support of family and friends. If you find that they have trouble talking with you about concerns and feelings, think about some of the reasons that these conversations are difficult. When you can identify and understand the bases of the problem, you can work to get past them. Here are some common causes of communication that is not open and honest:

Your spouse may be in denial about the seriousness of your condition because he himself needs to believe that everything will be ok. He is motivated to use this kind of coping strategy in an attempt to minimize his own sadness and fears, as well as yours. If he fails to admit the complexities to himself, he cannot discuss them frankly with you.

Naturally, it is painful for your partner to see you vulnerable and distressed. His reaction to this is generally to try to talk you out of your negative feelings in a misguided belief that, by being overly protective, he can take away your suffering. When he does not allow you to express your candid feelings, you may feel frustrated and misunderstood.

As in other circumstances, your husband wants to fix everything when you instead need him to listen and provide support as you unburden yourself. You can gently remind him that what you want is for him to be quiet and focus on really hearing what you have to say. Let him know that since you have professional caregivers who are working with you to solve particular problems and issues, you are not counting on him to do this.

Your partner feels threatened, fearing that he could lose you. When he sees how difficult the process is for you, he pulls back emotionally to protect himself and cover up his anxiety. Unfortunately this feels like rejection to you, further complicating your own emotional reaction.

The added responsibilities of taking care of you and the house in the midst of his worries about your health may be taking a toll. Feeling exhausted often overcomes caregivers and resentment builds. The challenges both of you are facing may lead to negative feelings, including anger and guilt.

Do any of these scenarios resonate for you? Tomorrow we will consider some more possible impediments to sincere and straightforward communication with your significant other.