Caring for Yourself and Aging Parents at Holiday Time

Amidst all the celebrating during these holidays, if you're a Sandwiched Boomer, torn between caring for growing children and aging parents, you may be bogged down by your responsibilities and having a hard time getting into the spirit of the season. I know I did when I was taking care of my parents a decade ago. They moved in with me after my mother developed cognitive impairment due to a stroke, and they lived with us until their deaths years later. When I was just too exhausted, my husband insisted we get help and that made a huge difference in all of our lives.

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While you're busy caring for others, remember to take good care of yourself too. Make time for fun and take advantage of free time you set aside for yourself. You can nurture yourself even when you're focused on nourishing others. Remember what Ben Franklin said about how to keep yourself young: We do not stop playing because we grow old, We grow old because we stop playing!

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer, we've got some resources to help you take better care of yourself, manage daily hassles and reduce long-term stress. Use them to create some energy so you can enjoy the holidays this year.

AARP recently hosted an event focused on identifying what can be done to support caregivers, bringing together 10 authors - including Gail Sheehy and Walter Mosley - who have hands on experience themselves caring for loved ones. You can view the archived webcast of the event on the AARP website.

If you're caring for a loved one at home, find out about respite care options and caregiver resources that will give you the break you need. You may want to consult the Private Duty Homecare Association, which is devoted to overcoming the challenges of aging in place. And you can a look at their past webinars on various aspects of at-home care, which may help your loved one maintain a sense of independence and feelings of security. Home Instead Senior Care can also help overcome obstacles in assisting your loved one's aging in place, including gift ideas for the holidays.

When you feel you are no longer able to care for a loved one by yourself, you may begin looking for other options. Assisted Living Today has compiled a series of articles to help determine the best type of care for your loved one. Especially helpful is the information in their Assisted Living Care Guide. For those of you who have a parent with Alzheimer's or other dementia their Memory Care Guide provides facts about different types of facilities caring for those with Alzheimer's Disease as well as questions and answers to help you make decisions about caring for your loved one.

November was Alzheimer's Awareness month, bringing attention to the estimated 5 million who suffer from this disease. The Alzheimer's Association provides information and support to those with Alzheimer's as well as for their caregivers.

If you want to read more about eldership, AgeSong features Dr. Nader Shabahangi who has been writing about the aging process and the need for community to ensure a positive outlook - for caregivers as well as their loved ones. You may find his white papers interesting and informative, especially if you're caring for a loved one.

Treat yourself to an important holiday gift this year - your decision to take good care of yourself even with the pull of your aging parents and growing children. You deserve it.

Nurturing Your Mom on Mother's Day with More Than Chocolates

With Mother's Day less than a week from now, are you still searching for that perfect gift? Sending flowers, candy and greeting cards are de rigueur for Mom but, as members of the Baby Boomer generation, we recognize that what your aging mother really wants on her special day is to feel nurtured.

Sharon's mother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, no longer recognized her. Sharon felt very sad but resigned. "Mom is so sweet, even if she doesn't know who I am most of the time. It's now like I’m her mom and I feel good being able to help her when I can. I just want to get her the best care possible." Sharon’s attitude helps her understand the changes in her mother and plan what to do now.

Sandwiched Boomers recognize that aging is a natural progression and a normal part of the life cycle. But just as it is difficult to accept your own aging, when you witness your mother regressing, the facts of life provide scant comfort. Acknowledging your mother's decline in well-being, becomes the first step in your plans for realistic long-term care for her. This week, as you're planning for Mother's Day, we've got some tips to help your Mom know you care about her more than just during those 24 hours:

The gift of time is one of the most precious presents that you can give your aging mother. Spend some quality time with her talking and reminiscing. Look through old family photographs and ask her to tell you stories about when she was a young girl. The time you spend with her now will sustain you both.

Make your mom feel more valued by concentrating just on her - plan another date with her for lunch or shopping. When you pay attention to the details, you'll find you enjoy her company even more. Talk about what you are doing, appreciating and enjoying. Linger awhile in order to make it last.

Research shows that money, title, or good health has less effect on life satisfaction than strong personal relationships. So this Mother's Day, make a commitment to do what you can to improve your relationship and give your mom and yourself positive memories.

Tax Day and Sandwiched Boomers

Are you rushing to finish up your income tax returns? This year, due to the celebration of Emancipation Day last Friday in the District of Columbia, citizens have until midnight tonight to get their tax returns postmarked and in the mail. If you're a Sandwiched Boomer you may be asking yourself, "have I taken all of the deductions I'm legally allowed?" When you're supporting both your growing children and your aging parents, you may want to consult with your tax advisor to see if you are eligible for claiming both sets as dependents. After all, you want to conserve as much of your nest egg as you can. With your reduced funds being stretched even thinner by the generations surrounding you, Tax Day brings your finances front and center.

Image: Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

But what about also considering the non-monetary contributions you make to your family in flux? The time, energy, thoughts, emotions you devote to your children and elderly parents can exhaust your core just as your expenses deplete your cash reserves. How is all this affecting you? Are you becoming anxious and angry - on the verge of taking out your frustrations on those around you? Instead, use your Tax Day perspective to look for ways to cope with your stress and preserve more of your health and well-being. Taking better care of yourself can lead to a win-win outcome for everyone in your extended family. When you avoid the burnout that often comes from chronic stress, you're better able to take care of your loved ones as well as yourself.

Here on our blog and on our website, HerMentorCenter.com, we've highlighted the importance of self-care for Sandwiched Boomers. Now you can review the Top 10 Self-fullness Tips for Sandwiched Women and find suggestions about How to Nourish the Sandwich That is You. As guests of Dr. Sandra Haymon, we provided tips for caregivers on blogtalk radio, where you can listen to our complete interview free of charge.

And here are more tips to keep in mind, on Tax Day and everyday:

Maintain balance as you invest your energies in family, career and yourself. You may not be able to attain the perfect level of achievement in any of these three, but you can enjoy a sense of accomplishment in your growing strength. To avoid burnout as you run between caring for your kids and your parents, Psychology Today encourages you to set aside time for yourself to refuel. As you strive to limit your responsibilities to others, you'll find you have more time for fun and fulfillment in your own life.

Practice relaxation techniques on a daily basis to help manage the tensions you are feeling. Make time to go for a walk, exercise at the gym, listen to soothing music or just put your feet up. Learn deep breathing or guided imagery to help you unwind and settle down. Contact your local psychological association to find out what other resources are available in your community. Gather information from Internet sites such as webMD, seminars or self help books about how to minimize the impact of the pressures you are now experiencing.

Ask for help and get support from those around you in order to reduce the stress in your life. Make a concrete plan about what you need and how your can achieve your goals. Consult the Department of Health and Human Services' Eldercare Locator for the names of local resources. When you are not feeling so overwhelmed by your responsibilities and commitments, your negative feelings are not as likely to boil over. Particularly if one of your parents has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, you can use all the help you can get - from the Alzheimer's Association website as well as assistance from other caregivers.

Keep communication open with your spouse, children and aging parents. Talk out disagreements before they become heated arguments that get out of control. Don't put a lid on your emotions, just on expressing them in an aggressive manner. Instead, learn what the Mayo Clinic recommends about developing a direct, assertive style to express your needs. When conflicts arise, agree to be flexible and cooperative - and work toward reaching a compromise.

Your life as a Sandwiched Boomer can be full of stress and anxiety. But when you use these tips and resources, it can help you develop a safety net to fall back on when you need it. For more suggestions about coping with stress in these difficult economic times, consider our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Are You Sandwiched Between Two Generations?

We've received some interesting comments from other Sandwiched Boomers out there and want to share them with you. Please let us all know how the issues raised by these women resonate with you.

One website reader is coping with her family in flux as well as her career - and just can't seem to find the time to nourish herself. She told us:

"I'm trying to figure out how to take care of myself while I'm juggling the responsibilities of elder care and saving the family business. I am at my best when I have a positive attitude."

Mom2Peach wrote in to tell her own unusual story on our blog:

"I often feel like I'm adrift in a small boat on rough seas because so much of the "sandwich generation" support resources don't really feel like they're targeted to me. I recently turned 41 (although I feel every minute of those 41 years some days, I still consider myself to be pretty youthful), and my first child just turned 2. I know there are a lot of women out there in a similar demographic group, but my parents were 41 when I was born. My father was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and had to give up his driver's license (and my mother never had one), and I'm trying to help out best I can while working full time and raising my son. And occasionally be a wife to my husband, who is struggling to keep his business afloat in a bad economy. And occasionally be there for my friends. And, more rarely, take care of myself.

"Many days, I feel like I've got nothing left. I do appreciate that many people coping with caring for older parents are frustrated because they thought they were finally going to get their lives back after their children went away to school, but I don't have an empty nest. I'm still at the point where I'm trying to enjoy all of my little boy's firsts. He doesn't understand when Daddy tells him that Mommy won't be home to read him bedtime stories because she's off taking care of Grammy and Grampy; all he knows is that Mommy is MIA.

"I recently started blogging as a way of connecting with other men and women in similar shoes. I know I'm not alone in my situation, so I keep hoping someone will stumble upon my blog and see themselves in some of my posts."

If you're also having a hard time finding the energy to take care of yourself, click on the title above to read our article, How to Nourish the Sandwich that is You. It gives you tips about setting aside time to nurture yourself.

How to Care for a Parent with Alzheimer's

Here are some more suggestions for Sandwiched Boomers to improve the way you talk with your loved ones suffering from Alzheimer's. Keeping your communications direct will help them focus better.

Avoid asking questions when possible. If you need to, provide limited choices. Give your loved one the time to answer - don't interrupt them or fill in words.

Tell loved ones exactly what you want them to do. Don't tell them more than you need to. Don't try to reason with them. Provide answers and solutions.

Don't become argumentative. Don't threaten them. Don't correct them even when they say something in error.

Accept that they will repeat their questions and that you need to repeat your answers. Don't say, "I just told you that." If you feel yourself getting angry after the same question is repeated numerous times, take a deep breath, count to ten or remove yourself briefly if possible.

Try to focus on positive topics. Use music as an aid to reaching out to your loved one. Talk about good memories from the past - you both will enjoy it.

Schedule in respite care to refresh yourself. Just as the airline stewards remind us, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before taking care of others who depend upon you.

Clicking on the title above will take you to an article on www.HerMentorCenter.com with some ideas about how to treat your aging mom, not only on Mother's Day but every day, Nurturing Your Mom on Mother's Day with More Than Chocolates.

Talking With Your Loved One

As we age, we all begin to become somewhat forgetful. But when a parent is diagnosed with Alzheimer's, talking with them becomes more and more difficult. For some ideas about how to cope with the stress of relating to a parent who has dementia, click on the title above. It will link you to our website and our article, The Sandwich Generation and Their Parents' Tarnished Golden Years. You will learn how to take care of yourself as you cope with your parent's Alzheimer's disease.

Today and tomorrow we will give you some of our tips for communicating with loved ones who are dealing with this slow death. These will help you continue to treat them with respect and preserve their dignity.

Set aside time to talk. Don't rush through the process. Use a quiet tone and stay calm. This will help your parent focus on you and what you are saying.

Look at your loved one. Pay attention to his or her body language. Touch him or her. Holding hands and giving hugs are ways to communicate without using any words. Think about the feelings behind their words and actions.

Use direct, simple, ordinary words. Break down a task into steps and present only one at a time. Demonstrate what you want them to do.

Tune in again tomorrow for some more help in dealing with parents who are slipping away.

You may have sent flowers, candy and greeting cards to your mom on Mother's Day but, as Sandwiched Boomers, we recognize that what aging mothers really want every day of the year is to feel nurtured.

Ellie's mother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, no longer recognized her. Ellie felt very sad but resigned. "Mom is so sweet, even if she doesn't know who I am most of the time. It's now like I’m her mom and I feel good being able to help her when I can. I just want to get her the best care possible." Ellie’s attitude helps her understand the changes in her mother and plan what to do now.

Baby Boomers recognize that aging is a natural progression and a normal part of the life cycle. But just as it is difficult to accept your own aging, when you witness your mother regressing, the facts of life provide scant comfort. Acknowledging your mother's decline in well-being, becomes the first step in your plans for realistic long-term care for her.

Research shows that money, title, or good health has less effect on life satisfaction than strong personal relationships. So now that Mother's Day is over, make a commitment to do what you can to improve your relationship and give your mom and yourself positive memories. Tune in the rest of this week for six tips to help you get started.

"No, you don't need to bring in anyone to help me. I can take care of myself!"

"But, Mom, everyone is going. You never let me do anything with my friends!"

Are these the opening salvos in your talks with your parents and children nowadays?

Lately we've received questions from Sandwiched Boomers about how to improve communications with family members - aging parents who are beginning to lose some mental sharpness, teenagers who are closing doors to parents, both literally and figuratively, grown offspring and their marital partners who are busy starting their own lives, and even a long-term spouse who may have a different agenda for retirement planning. For the next few days, we turn our focus to talking with our family-in-flux in ways that increase the likelihood that both sides are listening.

Communication is best when it works both ways - learning to listen yourself makes it more likely that you will actually be heard when you are speaking. So today we stress your job as the receiver of messages. Whether you are listening to aging parents, growing children, or your changing spouse, the first rule of good communication is to pay attention. Although you may be great at multi-tasking, don't do it during important talks. Look at the person who is speaking to you - it will have a double whammy. You will learn a lot about his or her feelings from the body language and the speaker will know that you care enough to take the time to listen.

Give your partner in communication the time he needs to make his point - don't interrupt with your critique. Show the respect you have for her by listening while she presents her case. Once your family member has finished speaking, let them know that you understand what they have said, even if you may not agree with it. Ask them questions to clarify what they have said, avoiding arguing or demeaning them.

As you practice the skills of "active listening," you will find that family members are more likely to want to talk with you about issues that are significant to them. And the more motivated they are to communicate with you, the richer your conversations will become. What have you found to help when you are talking with your family about thorny topics?

Here are the tips we promised this week to help you care for yourself as well as your aging parents when their golden years are tarnished. You can use these suggestions to reduce your Sandwiched Generation stress during the holidays and long after:

Give up your ideas of perfection and be realistic about the path ahead. You will not have the benefit you had imagined of involved, wise, old parents in your life. Acknowledge that the dementia will steadily increase and your parents will become less and less responsive to you. Be respectful of your parents' dignity even as you transfer control over their circumstances from them to you.

Evaluate your options as you keep an open mind. There is not one correct solution for everyone in your situation. It is helpful to hear from others what they have learned but you are still the only one walking in your shoes.

Look for resources in the community to help you. Recognize that you can't, nor do you have to, do everything yourself. Contact local gerontologists, talk with hospital social workers, meet with health care aides, visit nursing homes, join a caregiver support group.

Be honest with your siblings about their responsibilities. Even if you've been in conflict when them in the past, resolve to have an on-going dialogue now and be firm about finding a way to share the care-giving duties.

Take care of yourself to decrease the burnout that is common. A good support system gives you the opportunity to express your emotions and receive comfort. Set aside time for rest and relaxation, difficult as that may be to arrange. A sense of humor will get you through some tough times, as you laugh through your tears.

Look at how your past relationship with your parent has affected your present way of life. This is especially important if your parent was abusive when you were growing up. Decide to let go of the tendency to define your behavior today as a response to the memories you hold of your childhood. Make up your mind to make changes in your behavior that benefit you now.

Grow up. As you take on the complex chores of caregiver, you are the one ultimately making decisions about your own life as well as that of your parents. Both Wendy and Jon Savage matured as they reconnected with each other and their father, making dramatic changes in their lives after his death. They were able to trust themselves and take chances to achieve what they wanted, both professionally and personally.

Just as in the aptly named children's game, tug-of-war, you in the Sandwich Generation may feel like you are in a battle zone - pulled simultaneously from both sides and stretched to the limit in the middle. It is a struggle to sense the breaking point, which must be done to protect yourself for the long haul. It's not easy to put limits on the connection with your aging parents, but you need to place that relationship in the context of the rest of your life. Trust yourself as you design a plan that works for all of the family, yourself included.

At this time of year, the holidays with their comforting repeated rituals can be bittersweet when our loved ones are not with us to share them. It is even more poignant when aging parents are there physically but not mentally. They may not remember the joy of holidays spent together in the past nor recognize the new members who have joined the family circle. As a Sandwiched Boomer, you may be facing these kinds of holiday celebrations with apprehension.


No doubt, your parents had looked forward their sixties, seventies and eighties as golden years, with the chance to enjoy the fruits of their labors. But what happens when those days become tarnished gold? What if nothing you or your parents do can restore the shine you all were expecting? This is what faces Sandwiched Boomers each year when their parents are diagnosed with Alzheimer's, senile dementia or stroke.


Today, dementia of some kind has affected 14% of Americans over the age of 71 and the incidence is rising. Caring for these seniors generally falls to their Baby Boomer children; studies indicate that one in four families now take care of an elderly parent. Often the caretakers are women. According to a recent AARP study, 8.7 million American women aged 45 and older are caring for both aging parents and growing children. How they, and their brothers in some cases, cope with these demands is of increasing concern.

Now even Hollywood has begun to look at the dilemmas faced by Sandwiched Boomers. With the Academy Awards season right around the corner, the buzz is out about "The Savages," a film looking at Sandwich Generation reactions to an estranged, aging father. Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman play siblings, Wendy and Jon Savage, who can be described as Open Face Sandwiches – suddenly thrust into caring for their abusive father while they deal with on-going crises in their personal and work lives. How they respond, and what they learn about themselves in the process, mirrors the situation for many Baby Boomers.


If, like the Savages, you are propelled into caring for a difficult parent, undoubtedly you will sacrifice many things – time, sleep, emotional stability, money, energy, days at work, dreams of your own. Because of these extreme pressures, family caretakers report having some kind of chronic condition at more than twice the rate of non-caregivers and research suggests that this additional stress can shorten lifespan by up to 10 years.


So what can you do? Stay tuned in for seven tips to reduce your stress and help you get through the holiday season when your parents golden years are tarnished.