Coping With Your Aging Dad on Father's Day

Father's Day gives us the chance to salute our dads and say thanks for all they're done for us. As a young girl, mine taught me how to swim, stand on my head and play tennis; as a teen, how to be responsible and accomplish my goals; as an adult how to feel cherished. As we all grow and mature, our relationships with our fathers change but the bond of love is constant.

If your dad has become more fragile as he ages, it's likely that your connection has been transformed. As more Baby Boomers become caretakers for their aging fathers, the stress of struggling with the issues this raises can be overwhelming. It's easy to become weighed down by the duties and responsibilities of caring for Dad. When you feel sandwiched between the demands of career and family, try these tips to help sustain you:

Get help. You don't have to do it alone. Reach out, create a network, hire someone to assist Dad as often as you think it's necessary. Have support systems in place, even if it's over his objections. Make good use of community interventions, respite care, support groups and adult caregiver resources.

Involve your siblings. Be honest with your family about your needs. Engage them in the problems and the solutions. Ask for practical help and delegate responsibilities. Have them set aside personal agendas and work together toward goals on which you've agreed.

Consider your present challenge as a teachable moment. Learn from the experience and apply these lessons to other areas of your life. What insight have you gained about dealing with your own healthy aging process? How can you talk to your children about your wishes when you become older?

Look for positives. Think less about what you're losing and more about the chance you may be gaining. Spending more time with your father, you'll have the opportunity to give back to him emotionally what he's given to you. And you may learn a lot about yourself and your capacity for resiliency as you care for Dad in the last years of his life.

If you're part of the Sandwich Generation, these may be especially difficult times. Rely on whatever sustains you as you search for a way to nourish yourself. Call on friends for support as well as your faith, spirituality, and sense of humor.

This weekend, if you can, let Dad know how much you appreciate the role he has played in your life. If your father is no longer alive, share stories about him with your children and grandchildren so they will know the kind of man he was. And a very Happy Father's Day to all the men in our lives.

Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum

Looking for a unique family vacation this summer? With gasoline over $4.00 a gallon, many Sandwiched Boomers are opting to travel close to home. If home for you is the Midwest, we've got more jewels for you today. Since this year marks the sesquicentennial of the start of the Civil War, the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum in Springfield, Illinois is an especially meaningful choice for a day- or a weekend trip.



The Presidential Museum is filled with entertaining and educational exhibits appealing to both adults and children. Making use of 21st century technology, Disney magic and historical accuracy, the museum vividly transports you back to Abraham Lincoln's world. Many are inspiring, all are informative and well worth the trip as you step back in time.

While you're in Springfield, be sure to save time to see Lincoln's family home, his law office, his final resting place and the Old State Capitol where he gave his famous speech before the start of the Civil War, cautioning that "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Being immersed in all the artifacts in Springfield really brings history to life.


Looking for more off the beaten path treasures for your family daytrips during your staycation this summer? Just being on historic Route 66 and Highway 40 brings back to life the excitement of discovery and travel during the simpler times of childhood for most Baby Boomers. You never know what you will discover when you wander onto the back roads.

Just north of Lafayette, Indiana, we came across a sign for the Tippecanoe Battlefield Museum. We stopped because we knew that it involved the presidential campaign of William Henry Harrison and John Tyler - but nothing more. Once inside we spent several hours there learning about the battle and terrible forced march and dislocation of the vanquished Native Americans. Our history isn't always what we wish, but it's up to us to know about it.

As they say, "You can't know where you're going if you don't know where you've been." And where I've been is to my 50th high school reunion! In addition to seeing old friends, I got the chance to revisit the iconic Gateway Arch, the beautiful design by Eero Saarinen, honoring St. Louis as the gateway to the West. If you're in the Midwest, plan to visit it and the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in which it sits, along the mighty Mississippi River. While the levee in St. Louis is holding up well, our hearts and prayers go out to those families who are suffering from flooding downstream along the Mississippi.

Nurturing Your Mom on Mother's Day with More Than Chocolates

With Mother's Day less than a week from now, are you still searching for that perfect gift? Sending flowers, candy and greeting cards are de rigueur for Mom but, as members of the Baby Boomer generation, we recognize that what your aging mother really wants on her special day is to feel nurtured.

Sharon's mother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, no longer recognized her. Sharon felt very sad but resigned. "Mom is so sweet, even if she doesn't know who I am most of the time. It's now like I’m her mom and I feel good being able to help her when I can. I just want to get her the best care possible." Sharon’s attitude helps her understand the changes in her mother and plan what to do now.

Sandwiched Boomers recognize that aging is a natural progression and a normal part of the life cycle. But just as it is difficult to accept your own aging, when you witness your mother regressing, the facts of life provide scant comfort. Acknowledging your mother's decline in well-being, becomes the first step in your plans for realistic long-term care for her. This week, as you're planning for Mother's Day, we've got some tips to help your Mom know you care about her more than just during those 24 hours:

The gift of time is one of the most precious presents that you can give your aging mother. Spend some quality time with her talking and reminiscing. Look through old family photographs and ask her to tell you stories about when she was a young girl. The time you spend with her now will sustain you both.

Make your mom feel more valued by concentrating just on her - plan another date with her for lunch or shopping. When you pay attention to the details, you'll find you enjoy her company even more. Talk about what you are doing, appreciating and enjoying. Linger awhile in order to make it last.

Research shows that money, title, or good health has less effect on life satisfaction than strong personal relationships. So this Mother's Day, make a commitment to do what you can to improve your relationship and give your mom and yourself positive memories.

Career Change Questions Answered

We began this week with a look at what it takes to make a career change and how your passions, skills and resources can help you succeed as you work through the process. In this economy, where job losses are especially prevalent, it's wise to give some thought to planning for modifications in how you spend your day. You may want to sign up for classes from community colleges to help with a career change.

On Wednesday, were pleased to welcome Teresa Burrell, author of The Advocate's Betrayal to our blog for a virtual book tour. An educator, attorney, businesswoman and writer, Teresa graciously answered our questions and also responded to several readers' comments and requests for advice. We'd like to share those with you today:


One reader, Annette, wanted to know more about how Teresa went about making her career changes. She commented: "I am in awe of your courage in starting new careers. I would like to go back to school but I'm afraid to quit my job and start all over from scratch. How much did you have to plan ahead so you'd have enough money to support yourself after your career change?"

Teresa had some practical advice for her: "I did a little financial planning for my career changes, but mostly I just remembered what it was like when I first started attending college. I didn't have anything then and I made it through. And each time it just got better. I've never been one to have a lot of debt other than school loans, and I didn't have any of those until I went to law school. I always knew I could find some kind of work if I had to, so I just dove in. I realize I took some chances but I had to in order to follow my dreams. I do have to admit, the older I get the more planning I do for a career change."

Another reader confessed that she was concerned about her internal motivation to stay on track. Suzanne commented: "I like the idea of working for myself - like you've done as a writer. But I'm afraid I wouldn't have the energy to keep going without someone (like my boss) pushing me. How do you get yourself to stick to your job on your own?"

Teresa shared some of her philosophy about taking responsibility for herself and her career: "Suzanne, keeping on task can be one of the hardest things to do when someone isn't standing watch. Many businesses fail for that very reason. This is a business, just like any other. If you take that approach, things will get done. If you look at it as a hobby, that's all it will ever be. For the most part, you have to schedule it into your day or your week and then stick to it."

One would-be author asked about how to move forward with her manuscript: "I've been working on a book too - a novel, not a mystery. This is all brand new for me. When I finish writing, how do I get it published? How did you decide on your publisher?"

In response, Teresa gave her some of the inside scoop about publishing: "Getting published can be a real nightmare. I've heard some horror stories from many authors, some well known, others not. I didn't have the typical experience. I went to a writer's conference, submitted twenty pages to a publisher, and she asked for my manuscript. My second book was picked up by another publisher who approached me. I think that was because my first book was doing well and they saw how much effort I put into the marketing process. When your book is finished the first thing you have to do is learn how to write a clean query letter and a great synopsis. Both of those things can be done at a writer's conference. And then you start the search for an agent or a publisher. Most of that can be done online or you can attend a conference and submit some of your work. There are a number of writer's conferences that give you that opportunity. Here locally we have the Southern California Writer's Conference which I attended and would highly recommend for both the learning process and for making connections. Just make sure you approach the process knowing there is a lot of rejection in this business and at the same time keep a positive attitude."

Our thanks, again, to Teresa Burrell for her candor and advice. You can learn more about her book, The Advocate's Betrayal, on her website.

Thinking About a Career Change?

This week we'll be hosting a virtual book tour with Teresa Burrell, an author who has worked at several different jobs and has also enjoyed careers as an attorney and a teacher. She's not alone in her journey. According to a national longitudinal study conducted by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, baby boomers in the workforce tend to have an average of about 11 different jobs during the first 25 years of their productive work time.

Although the conventional wisdom has been that people change careers today somewhere between 3 and 7 times in their life, the Bureau has never tried to determine the number of times Americans actually do change careers because it is hard to define exactly what constitutes a career change.

Have you ever thought of making a career change yourself? What are the barriers standing in your way? When you are able to identify some of the challenges ahead, you can begin to outline the steps you need to take to move forward in your quest. You can learn more about how to confront these obstacles by consulting articles on our Her Mentor Center website.

What are your passions? Think about what has defined you, what raises your level of enthusiasm. When you are excited about what you do and the way you spend your day, you will experience the sense of flow that accompanies the energized focus you have in your activity.

What are your skills? You can build on the skills you have already developed as you transfer them into new areas. Brainstorm with friends about how your expertise in one sphere can be expanded into others. And look at the means at hand to educate yourself in new techniques, drawing on your innate abilities and specific aptitudes.

What are your resources? Just as inner character strengths serve as your foundation, you have external supports in the form of family and friends. You don't have to accomplish the transformation alone. Make a list of the reserves available to you and draw on them. It'll be a win-win experience for all of you.

Be sure to check in with us on Wednesday - you can join in the chat with Teresa Burrell about her own career change and the two mystery novels that have come out of it.

Strategies from Stepping Stones

Through the years, Stepping Stones has always tried to help our readers cope with what is going on in their world. As one newsletter put it:

This newsletter is in response to the stress and anxiety that many of our readers have been feeling in this time of uncertainty. We are inundated with threats about war and terrorism. We are impacted by the declining economy as we watch the price of gasoline go up, the price of stocks go down and the continued loss of jobs in our society. Americans are feeling a sense of isolation. Many of us are confused and ambivalent about on-going events in the world. In short, we are on overload, getting constant media reports without any clear resolution at this time.

We've given you ideas about how to save money and enjoy staycations with your family.

With the high price of gasoline, are you thinking of canceling your vacation trip? This summer more and more Sandwiched Boomers are reducing their carbon footprint by taking "staycations" with their families. Why drive to a resort when there are community swimming pools around the corner? Why plan a remote getaway when you can relax in the beauty and serenity near you? You don't need to travel to the city for excitement when you can create your own at home. But how to make it a real vacation and not one long list of chores and obligations? When you follow these tips, you'll return from your staycation refreshed, recharged and reconnected to your family.

In some newsletters, we give tips for getting along with your life partner during these difficult times:

A perfect marriage would be free of financial controversy. But during this economic crisis, the reality is that couples need to learn new money management skills and face tough financial decisions – while at the same time making their relationship work. Not an easy task.

These are tough times but you can draw on the strength of your relationships to get through. As banks are having a difficult time lending money, this is your chance to make an investment in your marriage - it can turn into a welcome source of security and comfort. And can you think of a better time than now?

At the start of the New Year, Stepping Stones helped you start on a new plan for honoring and improving your health and welfare:

Now that you have made your own personal resolutions - still an honored ritual at this time of year - how do you avoid another universal tradition - breaking them? We all know that it's easier to say you are going to give up a bad habit than to actually stick to your new plan. You may have resolved to finally lose the ten pounds that have been plaguing you for years, to start an exercise program you can stick with, to let go of your self-destructive smoking, drinking or over-spending habit. Or, perhaps you're one of the 50% of Americans who vow to spend more time with family and friends this year. So where do you begin? And how do you increase the odds that you will continue? With the New Year, you have a clean slate, ready to take your dictation. Here are 8 tips to help you fulfill your resolutions.

In another issue, we talked about the technique of journaling, especially for Sandwiched Boomers:

We have found that, for many women, keeping a journal is a valuable tool for self- awareness. It can be a freeing experience as there is no one right way to journal. You are in charge and you should do what works for you. Either establish a regular pattern by journaling daily or write when you feel stuck.

In this way, you can sort out any of your jumbled internal thoughts and also have a catharsis or emotional release. If you are still caring for your family at home, it is likely you often do not have a chance to focus primarily on yourself. Now is the time to give thought to what you need and want.

Caring for aging parents isn't easy, but there are rewards to be gained for many generations - yours, your children's and even your grandchildren's:

As a Baby Boomer member of the Sandwich Generation, perhaps you have already had talks with your aging parents about their wills, beneficiaries, and advanced medical directives for hospital care. But have you discussed an ethical will or the legacy of meaning they wish to leave behind? As parents grow older, it becomes more important to them to be remembered for the life lessons they taught than for the material gifts they leave behind. Spend quality time talking with your parents about the values that are important to them. Ask them specific questions about what ethics have guided them through the years. You probably know some of these answers from having observed them and their role modeling, but the conversations can be further enlightening.

Visit our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, to read more archived articles and newsletters. Sign up there to receive your own monthly copy of Stepping Stones or subscribe through the link below and to the left, "FREE Newsletter. Enjoy reading the next issue, our 75th!

A New Age of Anxiety and Stress

The mid- 20th century was known as the age of anxiety - spawning even an epic poem, a symphony and a ballet bearing that name. If you were a Baby Boomer growing up in the '50's, you probably learned to 'drop and cover' or even had a family bomb shelter to help cope with the existential fears of nuclear holocaust.

Now into only the first ten years of the 21st century, anxiety and stress levels have risen again at a monumental rate. A national health survey found that 75% of the general population experiences at least some stress every two weeks, with half of these rated at moderate or high levels. Our fears about terrorism, financial collapse, and global warming are mixed with our reactions to the devastating effects of natural disasters - earthquakes, flooding, hurricanes, and tsunamis.

The result of these real catastrophes is magnified by the 24/7 coverage of them by cable and Internet news services, leaving many of us feeling anxious, stressed and emotionally exhausted. As uncomfortable as you may feel, what you are experiencing is a normal response to an abnormal situation. Stress is a reaction by the body to an enormous demand placed on it. And those in the Sandwich Generation know about the extreme pressures of caring for their growing children and aging parents - all the while trying to stay above water.

There is a wide range of reactions and symptoms of stress and anxiety. Have you noticed any of these yourself?

Physical reactions such as: sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, headaches, body tension - being just plain jittery with a pounding heart and a knot in your stomach;

Emotional responses such as: anxiety, fear, frustration, feelings of vulnerability - the recognition of being unable to control the situation;

Cognitive changes such as: confusion, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, hyper-vigilance - finding you really can't think as clearly as before;

Behavioral reactions such as: isolation, irritability, restlessness, impatience, aggressive behavior - avoiding or pushing away friends and family.

If you are dealing with these kinds of symptoms, join us this week as we share some strategies and techniques for resolving your stress levels and reducing your anxiety. And click on the post title above to take you to our article, How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge, on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com.

The Sandwich Generation: 2010 Relationship Resolutions

For the past couple of weeks, we've been blogging about Sandwiched Boomers and the different aspects of the New Year's resolutions they make. So now that we're well into January, how are you doing? You know, setting goals in the love department are just as important as the ones about losing weight or getting your finances in shape. So even though you may already be working toward other goals, don't put your relationship on the back burner.

Instead of accentuating the positives, the advice from couples' research often focuses on minimizing the negatives - don't nag, don't withhold sex, don't overreact, don't try to control. But why not focus your resolutions on the do's instead of don'ts? Positive emotions can open you up to new possibilities.

If you want to actively enrich your love relationship, log on all week - we'll be sharing practical tips on how to go about it. And click on the title above to get started - it will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article about how Baby Boomers can re-examine their relationships.

Mothers-in-Law Speak Up

We continue our series on your emerging role as a mother-in-law and questions you have about how to nourish your relationships with your children-in-law. Our readers commenting on the virtual book tour we hosted last week with Dr. Susan Lieberman found her words empowering as they set new directions in their relationships with their sons- and daughters-in-law.

Janet had been struggling with her in-law relationships for years and now had some new ideas about how to work on them; Sandy recognized that she could only change her behavior, not that of her children and children-in-law.

Susan's response to Janet and Sandy: THANK YOU! I did not come to this book as an "expert" but rather as a woman standing in a difficult place. I wrote the book I needed to read. I'm so grateful when others find it helpful. I can tell you that writing the book has helped me handle my own mother-in-law issues more skillfully. I can also, more abashedly, tell you that when you write the book and then find you are not following your own advice, you really feel like an idiot...but we all do the best we can -- including our daughters-in-law. I've been trying to sneak into my DIL's head to figure out why I trigger her as I do. Of course, I have no way of knowing if my thoughts are accurate, but my hunch is that my voice brings up something about her own parents' voices and her feelings about bending to their will. Maybe I'm making up nonsense, but since it helps me be more tolerant of behavior I find hurtful, I'm sticking to it.

A grandmother wrote that she was concerned about the way her grandchildren were being raised and didn't how whether to bring the subject up with her daughter and son-in-law.

Susan's response: Concerned Grandma presents a pickle...I'm pretty sure whatever you say is not going to be appreciated. That said, I know it is next to impossible to stay quiet if you think the children are being harmed. So, I have been thinking about this and have a couple thoughts:

1) Talk to other women, not only the ones who are most like you, and describe as neutrally as possible, the behavior that concerns you. Find out if others are as alarmed as you. If they are not, you might have to rethink your position.


2) Look for data, articles, books, etc that address the issue(s) that most concern you and present it as something to consider.

3) Make a date with your daughter. Tell her you are struggling and really don't know how to go forward. On the one hand, everything in you says, "Don't meddle," and on the other, everything in you says, "There is something we need to discuss." Ask her is she would be willing to have a discussion with you in which you both try to hear each other and not follow into a defensive posture. If she rebuffs this effort, you are going to have to back off.

4) Is there someone else in the family...a sibling or favorite aunt who could take up the cause on your behalf. My observation is that the more insecure our kids feel about their parenting skills...and the less skillful they are...the less able we are to speak. If you think this is serious enough, you may just have to speak out, but know that they may be a cost. Good luck on this one.


Once more, we thank Dr. Susan Lieberman for her reflections and personal insight into the role of mothers-in-law. Let us know how you enjoy her book, The Mother-in-Law's Manual.

For more tips on getting along with a daughter-in-law, click on the post title above to take you to our article, From Baby Boomer to Mother-in-Law: How to Play Your New Role. You can then explore our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, for more of our articles with helpful pointers on how to improve your relationships with your family in flux.

Susan Boyle, Boomers and Self Discovery

Susan Boyle had learning difficulties in school and was bullied. She said her classmates' taunts left behind the kind of scars that don't often heal. Can you imagine how the initial negative reactions from the talent show audience felt to her? It seems as if, according to society, you should have the physical ability to seduce if you’re going to be a torch singer. But when she sang about wasted youth and lost dreams, the crowd went wild. Don't we all love a surprise?

She's the classic underdog - shy, portly, middle-aged, nonthreatening and largely misunderstood. It happens to lots of people all the time. She didn't have boyfriends, is a stranger to romance and has 'never been kissed.' Singing was her salvation. On stage, courage could easily have failed her. Yet, in pursuing her long-held dreams, she managed to triumph over many disadvantages.

Susan Boyle is a reminder that it's time we all look a little deeper. She was a caring daughter and devoted companion, and has lived an important life. If you're a Baby Boomer, you're probably doing that too in some ways. So don't think of yourself as just one more person with no discernible talent. When life provides a stage, sing your heart out. You deserve the applause.

Click on this title to read one woman's story about Self Discovery at 52. That'll take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and a past issue of 'Stepping Stones'. And while you're there, why not sign up for our monthly newsletter.

Baby Boomer Stimulus Package

The $885 billion Senate economic plan faces assaults from both Democrats and Republicans during debate this week as lawmakers in both parties aim to jolt the economy right away.

The goal is to shape a package that is more targeted, that would be smaller in size and that would be truly focused on saving or creating jobs and turning the economy around. If you're a member of the sandwich generation and under pressure to scale back spending, check out these ideas:

Be realistic and face the facts. If you're not already, live a simpler life within your means. Focus your efforts, because living your convictions is harder than just making the decision to change. Be accountable for your financial goals and create a concrete spending plan. You don’t have to panic but you can begin to take small steps. Learn how to have fun without spending money – invite another couple over to play cards, check out a book from the public library, catch up with a friend on a walk, take your family on a hike in the hills.

Stay centered about what you plan to buy, what you can afford and what really matters to you. Ours is largely a culture of impulsive recreational shopping. To begin the transition to mindful shopping, make a list of the items you plan to purchase. Then decide how important each one is and, if it's not that necessary, let it go. Continue to differentiate between what you want and what you need.

Obama's Mother-in-law is Moving In

In this administration, with such a protective mom in chief, one major focus on the home-front will be the first daughters. The goal of these devoted parents is to help the girls find their way in their new environment. And Michelle's mom is moving in for now, to provide a constant presence and keep the girls grounded. When asked about the relationship with his mother-in-law, the president, among other things, said: "I don't tell my mother-in-law what to do." Doesn't it sound like our new president is off to a really good start?

What follows are some ideas that may help you and your family:

Look at your situation and decide what works for you. If you need some time by yourself, be sure to fit that into your plans. When you want to reconnect with your teenagers, plan outings that will appeal to both of you. If your parents are up to it, invite them on a family vacation. Your children will benefit from spending quality time with their grandparents. And it will give you free time and the chance for you and your partner to catch up without distractions.

Do what is necessary to maintain familiarity and continuity. If you nurture your family and stabilize their environment, they will feel more secure. The structure in their lives and the support you give them will relieve feelings of anxiety or stress. Children are resilient and, as you model positive thinking and hope, they will thrive. The rewards can be immeasurable for the whole family.

For additional tips, click on the title of this post and read our article, From Baby Boomer to Mother-in-Law: How to Play Your New Role.

Now that summer is actually over, school has started and the political season is in full swing, we thought it would be refreshing to pause and look back over the Olympic Games to see what insights it can bring into your life as a Sandwiched Boomer.

This August, billions of fans watched athletes from around the world compete in the Beijing Olympics. Even with political controversy and global tensions running rampant, these diverse games reflected the delicate balance between reality and entertainment. For many Sandwiched Boomers, the Olympics satisfied the yearning for distraction from immediate concerns about economic instability and caring for a family-in-flux.

The Games provided color, drama and a broad demonstration of excellence. In addition to news about the winners and venues, information from Beijing went well beyond who was winning and losing gold medals. This week we will discuss lessons the Olympics can teach Baby Boomers and give you some tips about how to incorporate the deeper meaning of the Olympics into your life. So stay tuned.

Now that June is fast approaching, and with it the wedding season, are you looking back and remembering what your friends told you last winter? When your son popped the question, the congratulations from them included some advice about the wedding: "smile, shut up and wear beige."

Your son's marriage, soon to become a reality, brings with it a whole new set of Rules and Regs. How, then, to take on your new role without giving up your true self? As a member of the Sandwiched Generation, you have become experienced at balancing everyone else's needs. Now think about how you can find the equilibrium for yourself between your role as involved, engaged mother and deferential, respectful mother-in-law. Can you rewrite the definition of a "MIL" without becoming the Mother-in-Law from Hell?

We know you can do this! As a Baby Boomer, you came of age during the sexual revolution, juggled career and family, broke new ground for women, enjoyed the role of superwoman. Come to this new learning experience with the same gusto you brought to those challenges. If you don't want to walk on eggshells around your daughter-in-law for the rest of your life, tune in tomorrow for some tips to help you transition into the Mother-in-Law your growing family will admire and love.

As Baby Boomers continue to age, the rise in incidence of serious illness affects nearly every family - especially if you're a member of the Sandwich Generation. When you or your spouse develops cancer, heart disease, stroke or another chronic illness, it can change every aspect of your lives together. How to talk meaningfully with each other about the situation is a common concern. Do you wonder how to have deeper and more meaningful conversations with your spouse after such a serious illness?

Dialoging with your partner in the midst of a health crisis often reflects rather typical differences between men and women - particularly in what they want from each other. Whereas a woman may need to be heard and understood, a man may be intent on finding a solution to the problem. The result is that, even though your partner wants to be supportive when you are sick, you may be surprised to find that it is difficult for him to talk with you about your deepest thoughts and worries. This can lead to conversations that are not authentic and that make you feel your emotions are being discounted.

After her surgery for ovarian cancer, Ella thought that her partner acted in ways that downplayed her anxiety and angst. Intellectually she knew that the operation had gone well and her prognosis was good. But she was depressed and needed to express her negative feelings. If she was going to feel better, she knew that she had to begin dealing with them. "He didn’t want to talk about my fears and even withdrew from his own emotions. It upset him when I felt scared or cried. All he could focus on was my being fine and us getting on with our lives."

Serious illness can lead to unique struggles in your communications. In the next few days, we will consider possible reasons why you may be having trouble talking openly and honestly with your partner. You can then put these issues on the table so that you both can see what is going on.

On February 18 this year, Americans will celebrate President's Day - another watered-down Monday, long-weekend-holiday filled with retail sales and little mention of the meaning of the day. We Baby Boomers remember when, instead, we honored Abraham Lincoln's birthday on February 12 and George Washington's on February 22. It seemed easier then to teach children the values of the founding fathers and honorable Presidents. Who could forget the story of George Washington admitting that he chopped down the cherry tree, saying "I cannot tell a lie," or the myriad tales about "honest Abe." These were our role models then, not the squabbling candidates with sound bites and spin that dominate our airways now.

How do we find role models for our children and grandchildren today when they see sports heros taking steroids, award-winning rock stars zoned-out on drugs, glamorous starlets pictured in drunken stupor, religious leaders and teachers molesting children? Perhaps we need look no farther than to our own parents. Many of their generation, "the greatest," lived through the depression, the Second World War and the Cold War. They were tempered by the hard realities of life and their values were shaped by the need to retain their ideals nevertheless. Who better to pass on the importance of internal strength, decency, honesty, hard work, fair play to our children?

As a Sandwiched Boomer, often exhausted by the day-to-day needs of caring for your aging parents and growing children, you may not have thought about how your parents can help you form the values of your children. Encourage them to spend time with your family, telling stories about their lives and how they dealt with the ups and downs they faced. Let your children learn from them how to live a life worthy of their legacy. You will all gain from the experiences. Use this President's Day to inaugurate your own message for change!

As the Presidential primaries continue their drive to Super Tuesday and beyond, the emphasis in Florida has shifted to the economy. With both the stock market and interest rates in a decline, Baby Boomers' retirement investments are being hit from both ends. When you are in the Sandwiched Generation, caring for aging parents and growing children, the effects of a slowing economy may have an even more dramatic effect on your financial situation.

Polls in Florida have indicated that the economy is the number one issue to voters there. Consequently, Romney has stressed his successful background in the private sector, Giuliani his results with the New York City budget when he was mayor, McCain his integrity as a straight talker, Clinton her stimulus plan and Obama his promise of change.

Have the candidates addressed this issue to your liking? Take a look at each one's background, history and program for the future to decide whom can best serve your needs. This is the time to consider, among other things, your financial security as you recognize the importance of caring for your self. It's up to you to let your voice be heard.

As a member of the Sandwiched Generation, are you feeling left out by the pollsters covering the Presidential primaries? We're hearing more and more about the importance of the youth vote to the candidates but not much about the value of the Baby Boomer electorate. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are each presenting themselves as the most relevant choice for the first-time voter; John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee are appearing on college campuses in an attempt to win over the youth of the country.

But the reality is that in the 2004 Presidential election, Americans over the age of 55 comprised more than 35% of the voters whereas those under the age of 25 made up less than 10%. And in the off-year 2006 elections, a whopping 52% of all voters were over 50. Older voters in the swing states of Florida, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Arizona and Nevada make up a greater percentage of the population than the national average - their choices this year will have significant effects.

So what can you do to focus the attention of the pundits and proclaim your relevance in this election? Use your voice to raise the awareness of the media to your power. Educate yourself about the issues that are important to you and the candidates' positions on them. Recognize that the problems you face as a Sandwiched Boomer, caring for your aging parents and growing children, are not unique to you but rather are typical of your group. Advocate for solutions. Check out www.dividedwefail.org, an AARP-based nonpartisan website encouraging the midlife electorate to become involved and knowledgeable. Then get out there and demand action.

Here are the tips we promised this week to help you care for yourself as well as your aging parents when their golden years are tarnished. You can use these suggestions to reduce your Sandwiched Generation stress during the holidays and long after:

Give up your ideas of perfection and be realistic about the path ahead. You will not have the benefit you had imagined of involved, wise, old parents in your life. Acknowledge that the dementia will steadily increase and your parents will become less and less responsive to you. Be respectful of your parents' dignity even as you transfer control over their circumstances from them to you.

Evaluate your options as you keep an open mind. There is not one correct solution for everyone in your situation. It is helpful to hear from others what they have learned but you are still the only one walking in your shoes.

Look for resources in the community to help you. Recognize that you can't, nor do you have to, do everything yourself. Contact local gerontologists, talk with hospital social workers, meet with health care aides, visit nursing homes, join a caregiver support group.

Be honest with your siblings about their responsibilities. Even if you've been in conflict when them in the past, resolve to have an on-going dialogue now and be firm about finding a way to share the care-giving duties.

Take care of yourself to decrease the burnout that is common. A good support system gives you the opportunity to express your emotions and receive comfort. Set aside time for rest and relaxation, difficult as that may be to arrange. A sense of humor will get you through some tough times, as you laugh through your tears.

Look at how your past relationship with your parent has affected your present way of life. This is especially important if your parent was abusive when you were growing up. Decide to let go of the tendency to define your behavior today as a response to the memories you hold of your childhood. Make up your mind to make changes in your behavior that benefit you now.

Grow up. As you take on the complex chores of caregiver, you are the one ultimately making decisions about your own life as well as that of your parents. Both Wendy and Jon Savage matured as they reconnected with each other and their father, making dramatic changes in their lives after his death. They were able to trust themselves and take chances to achieve what they wanted, both professionally and personally.

Just as in the aptly named children's game, tug-of-war, you in the Sandwich Generation may feel like you are in a battle zone - pulled simultaneously from both sides and stretched to the limit in the middle. It is a struggle to sense the breaking point, which must be done to protect yourself for the long haul. It's not easy to put limits on the connection with your aging parents, but you need to place that relationship in the context of the rest of your life. Trust yourself as you design a plan that works for all of the family, yourself included.

At this time of year, the holidays with their comforting repeated rituals can be bittersweet when our loved ones are not with us to share them. It is even more poignant when aging parents are there physically but not mentally. They may not remember the joy of holidays spent together in the past nor recognize the new members who have joined the family circle. As a Sandwiched Boomer, you may be facing these kinds of holiday celebrations with apprehension.


No doubt, your parents had looked forward their sixties, seventies and eighties as golden years, with the chance to enjoy the fruits of their labors. But what happens when those days become tarnished gold? What if nothing you or your parents do can restore the shine you all were expecting? This is what faces Sandwiched Boomers each year when their parents are diagnosed with Alzheimer's, senile dementia or stroke.


Today, dementia of some kind has affected 14% of Americans over the age of 71 and the incidence is rising. Caring for these seniors generally falls to their Baby Boomer children; studies indicate that one in four families now take care of an elderly parent. Often the caretakers are women. According to a recent AARP study, 8.7 million American women aged 45 and older are caring for both aging parents and growing children. How they, and their brothers in some cases, cope with these demands is of increasing concern.

Now even Hollywood has begun to look at the dilemmas faced by Sandwiched Boomers. With the Academy Awards season right around the corner, the buzz is out about "The Savages," a film looking at Sandwich Generation reactions to an estranged, aging father. Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman play siblings, Wendy and Jon Savage, who can be described as Open Face Sandwiches – suddenly thrust into caring for their abusive father while they deal with on-going crises in their personal and work lives. How they respond, and what they learn about themselves in the process, mirrors the situation for many Baby Boomers.


If, like the Savages, you are propelled into caring for a difficult parent, undoubtedly you will sacrifice many things – time, sleep, emotional stability, money, energy, days at work, dreams of your own. Because of these extreme pressures, family caretakers report having some kind of chronic condition at more than twice the rate of non-caregivers and research suggests that this additional stress can shorten lifespan by up to 10 years.


So what can you do? Stay tuned in for seven tips to reduce your stress and help you get through the holiday season when your parents golden years are tarnished.