Gabby Giffords as an Inspirational Role Model

The courage and dignity shown by Gabrielle Giffords over the past year as she struggled to cope with the results of her horrific shooting were repeated this week as she made the announcement that she will step down today from her position as the United States Representative from her district in Arizona. It was inspiring to watch her smiling face and listen to her halting but strong voice declare her thanks for the support of her constituents and her pledge to return to the people of Arizona.

Photo courtesy of Gabrielle Giffords Congressional Office/Handout/Reuters

When Gabby Giffords was first shot, we blogged here about how the country would react to this crime by a mentally ill gunman. We had some suggestions for getting support in such times of crisis and for managing the stress that comes from an uncontrollable event like her shooting. You can look back over those posts and try on some of the tips we outlined there.

In addition to killing six citizens at the town hall, wounding another 12, and forever changing Gabby's life, the shooting also generated partisan finger pointing, ironic since Giffords had been rated as one of the most bipartisan, centrist members of Congress.

Gabby has been an exemplar of self-respect in her determination to progress in her healing. It is humbling to see her commitment and perseverance as she continues on her road to recovery and rehabilitation.

As you talk with you family about the role model she embodies, you can focus on some of her beliefs, attitudes and actions. Gabby has been:

Determined to move forward
Hard working in her rehabilitation
Optimistic in her outlook
Realistic in her goal setting
Steadfast in her beliefs about reconciliation
Appreciative of the support she's received
Grateful for her friends and family
Loving to her husband
Loyal to her constituents
True to herself
Committed to living a full life

These are all qualities we hope to emulate ourselves and instill in our children. We wish Gabby the very best of luck on her difficult but inspiring journey and support her words today, I will return, and we will work together for Arizona and this great country.

Role Model for Bad Behavior

Usually it's celebrities who provide the bad role models for our teenagers. But now Francesco Schettino, captain of the grounded cruise ship Costa Concordia, has pushed the athletes and all the Kardashians off the Internet home pages and become the poster boy for bad behavior.


Photo by Rvongher, Wikimedia Commons

As we wait to learn the fate of passengers and crew still missing after the disaster, are there lessons from Schettino's actions we can discuss with our kids?

Consider the consequences of your behavior. For personal reasons, Schettino purposefully diverted his ship from its predetermined route, bringing it closer to the island of Gigilo where it hit rocks and later keeled over on its side. Encourage your teens, before they engage in actions that might be risky, to use their good judgment to think through potential outcomes and weigh the risks against the rewards. They may be less dramatic than those Schettino faces, yet important to their future.

Recognize real danger and act to protect from it. The captain and crew first denied the actual emergency, telling passengers only that the ship's power was out. The message to abandon ship came only after the Concordia had capsized, making many of the lifeboats inaccessible. While you don't want your children to be overly tense and vigilant in all situations, prepare them to guard their safety when a threat is, in fact, imminent.

Take responsibility for your actions. Schettino defied the accepted maritime standard of conduct: when it is necessary to abandon ship, the captain accepts his position of leadership and is the last one to leave. He ignored his duty to evacuate all of the passengers before getting into a lifeboat himself. When your kids are faced with an ethical choice, help them to rely on inner strength to do what is right so they won't have regrets later.

Don't lie. When asked by the owner of the cruise line about the situation, Schettino did not at first tell them about the severe damage the rocks had made in the ship. He withheld key parts of the whole story in an attempt to shield himself. As a result, the owners were not able to arrange for adequate rescue services immediately after the disaster. If your teens are tempted to shade the facts, help them remember that you respect their decision to tell the truth.

To read about positive role models - and real heroes like Captains "Sully" Sullenberger and Richard Phillips - join our email list, to the left of this post. You'll receive our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and also a link to download a complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching For Your Goals.

Answering Kids' Questions about Good and Evil

Differences of opinion surrounding the death of Osama bin Laden are rampant. And your kids may still be asking questions that are hard to answer. On Monday we shared tips that may be helpful in explaining the situation. What follows are a few more:

Talk about good and evil. The death of Osama bin Laden is complicated. Your kids may wonder why he was killed and not put in jail. Tell them these were extremely unusual circumstances. The idea of celebrating his death is another contradictory message. Point out that it was at odds with the solemnity of the moment. Speak from your heart about patriotism. Help them understand that a lot of people were celebrating the possibility of peace and feeling safer.

Teach them to appreciate ethnic, religious and cultural differences. Be a good role model, tolerant and open-minded. Radical terrorists don't represent or speak for Islam. Help your children understand and respect others who are different than them. Give examples they can relate to, like, isn’t it interesting when someone at school dresses differently, speaks English with an accent or likes really different foods than you?

Work toward a more equitable world. It's our job as a nation not to pursue revenge but to seek justice. On a personal level, it's about how we see our responsibilities. You may want to frame bin Laden's death as an opportunity for furthering peace and in terms of justice for the victims of 9/11. That it's a relief that evil had been overcome. Model positive moral development for your children. You can have a primal reaction to a threat and still behave in a more evolved manner. Compassion is a complicated concept to understand.

What people are really celebrating is relief from fears that undermine their feeling in control. Hopefully bin Laden's death will lead to the further dismantling of a terror network that causes suffering worldwide. This is about restoring hope for progress against a frightening force. If Osama bin Laden's death makes kids feel safer, that's a good thing.

Sandwiched Boomer, Nurture Yourself

These are tough times, especially if you're a card carrying member of the sandwich generation. If you're facing the challenges of parents growing older and kids growing up, don't forget to nurture you. Because if you're run down, who will care for your family? For a moment, enjoy this photo of the sunset on a Costa Rican beach. And tonight, take the time to relax and appreciate the sunset right outside your door.

Whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, adjusting to changes in your identity or making a slow transition into the next chapter of your life, expect a cascade of feelings - anxiety, the desire to hold on, resentment, sadness, fear, eventually a sense of freedom. The emotional roller coaster is normal. But if you find the courage, you can't help but grow from the challenges.

Past is prologue. How can you prepare for what lies ahead? As you look back, how have you dealt with major changes in your family life before? Think about what has worked in the past. Take the specific strategies that you learned from those experiences and, once again, apply the most effective ones to the challenges you are facing today. A positive attitude will motivate you to stay on track and ultimately reach your goals.

Find something to believe in. Is it strong faith, a spiritual path or confidence in yourself? Look at the ways you can continue to build on your internal and external assets. Evaluate your character strengths and how they have benefited you in other circumstances. Are you fiercely curious and determined to find a solution, no matter what? Discover the resources, such as caregiver programs or support groups, which will help you make decisions as you deal with the specifics of the family problems you are handling.

Recognize the importance of support. When you are facing what may be a difficult time, find a role model who encourages you. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Talking with others can clarify your needs as you work through these changes. Getting an objective opinion from a family therapist or life coach will provide you with further insight and direction.

Take a step back and you'll see the situation from a different perspective. And listening to your inner voice can help you focus on what's important as you integrate your values into how you live your life.

Sign the email list to the left of this post and receive a free monthly newsletter, "Stepping Stones," full of practical tips to help you deal with your family in flux. You can also download a complimentary ebook about reaching for your goals.

Role Models on Presidents Day

Presidents Day, honoring George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, reminds us to look to strong role models for inspiration. Mount Rushmore, in the Black Hills of South Dakoka, memorializes Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt. These men reflect goals to strive for - courage, freedom, compassion and conservation, among others.

But you don't have to look only to U.S. Presidents for motivation and guidance. In the past here on our blog, we've focused on many role models, both for ourselves and for our children. They can stir us to greater efforts and success in our family, community and work lives.

When Randy Pausch learned that he had terminal cancer, he gave and then wrote The Last Lecture as a guide for living rather than dying. He stressed the importance of living each day fully, striving to achieve dreams and expressing gratitude for those gifts that you have. He encouraged his students, children and readers to stretch and take creative risks as they reached for goals.

Olympic swimmer Dara Torres and singer Susan Boyle have pursued careers about as different as they can be. Yet they are both role models of courage for women who have a dream and work hard to accomplish their goals. The mother of a toddler, Dara believed she wasn't too old to compete in the Olympics in her 40's and defied the odds by winning 3 more medals in Beijing. Susan was 48 and unknown when she competed on Britain's Got Talent, stunning the audience with her powerful voice. A short eight months later she had the world's best selling album of the year, with 9 million copies purchased. As our blog post indicates, both women successfully created their personal best through dedication and drive.

A teacher at heart, John Wooden was a life coach incarnate, not just a basketball coach. The Pyramid of Success he created for the men's UCLA basketball team works just as well for women balancing family and work life. His home grown aphorisms - Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do; Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are - can motivate you to work toward your personal best in any area of your life.

Elizabeth Edwards was a source of inspiration for many, fighting to maintain her dignity as she battled breast cancer and sought to protect her children. In an interview shortly before her death, she said that she wanted to be remembered as someone who stood in the storm and, when the wind didn't blow her way, adjusted her sails. You can read more about how Elizabeth Edwards took charge of defining her life by reading our blog post after her death.

Syndicated columnist Amy Dickinson, known as "Ask Amy," writes about the value of using other women as her role models and support in her book, The Mighty Queens of Freeville. For more insight about how we can empower ourselves and prevail through tough times by learning from our women friends and family, read how Amy answered our questions during her Virtual Book Tour on our blog.

Just a few of other role models we've blogged about are those women who return to the workforce and those who use their personal strengths as a means of centering themselves.

If you are looking for some more positive role models for success, look over other past blogs and be sure to sign up for our monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones. When you do, you'll receive our free ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals. You'll find inspiration there to make this the best time of life.

And please visit our blog again on Wednesday, February 23 when we welcome Pamela Madsen for a Virtual Book Tour. She'll be discussing her new book, SHAMELESS: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner.

Susan Boyle: A Role Model

Remember Susan Boyle, the Scottish T.V. sensation from Britain's Got Talent? She was middle-aged, shy, portly, nonthreatening - the classic underdog. Although Boyle performed well in the final competition, she didn't win. And afterwards she was hospitalized with emotional exhaustion. Yet she came out the other end with her sense of humor intact and more confident.



You can take a lesson from Susan Boyle. Focus on your strengths that can lead to success. Look for a role model who inspires you and begin to see yourself from a different perspective. And relax as you let your creativity run wild.

There may be stumbling blocks along the way, but just keep going. Focus inward and don't be swayed by the attitude of others. Pay attention only to what you're trying to accomplish. And continue to move forward on your own steam.

Here's a way you may be able to follow your dreams. Avon Voices is conducting a singing talent search - inviting you to join a global movement that unites and inspires through the universal language of music. Women around the world are making their voices count by telling their stories, sharing their dreams, and showcasing their talents.

Through February 13, 2011, you can sing out on a 30-second video clip from the approved song list at Avon Voices. The finalists will be eligible for professional coaching, Avon makeovers and studio time for performance videos.

The Avon Foundation for Women was founded in 1955 to improve the lives of women. Avon global philanthropy has donated more than $800 million in more than 50 countries for causes most important to women, including breast cancer research and efforts to end domestic violence.

Want to discover effective tips to help you as your family in flux and you change? Download a complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching Your Goals, and receive a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, by signing our email list to the left of this post.

Say Goodbye to Your College Kids and Hello to Yourself

After you've said goodbye to your college kids, it's time to say hello to you. Imagine that you're the woman in the photo below, journaling your way into the next chapter of your life.

Engage in an active process of learning more about what you want to do. What nurtures your creative thinking? What stimulates your curiosity? Identify your natural talents. What comes so easily you often don't notice it? How about the acquired skills you have used successfully? Think about what you consider to be your greatest personal strengths. These could encompass, among others, attributes as diverse as a love of learning, a sense of humor, loyalty to others.

Discover what you feel passionate about. What do you really value and care about? What are your dreams? What do you imagine is your life purpose now? Take advantage of the extra time and follow your dream of returning to school or changing jobs. Join a hiking group, volunteer program or exercise class. Learn more about bridge or yoga. Put yourself front and center for a change.

Consider how others view you and your contributions. Who uses you as a role model and why? What in your life experience has led you to wisdom? Honor these insights and find ways to share what you already know well with others who could benefit.

Now, finally, it's about you. So decide to make a start - any start. Write out some specific goals and break them down into manageable short term objectives. Reflect on their purpose and what that means to you. Consider your character strengths and personal resources – and how they will help you achieve your goals.

Want an example of what to expect at Parents' Weekend? When packing for the events, don't forget to take along your new attitude. It will help ease your college student's mind about how you're adjusting.

We encourage you to spend time looking around our website, HerMentorCenter.com. You'll find information on all aspects of family relationships by clicking on 'Newsletter Library' and 'Nourish Relationships', and then on the specific subjects that interest you. Write us about your concerns and ask some questions - click on 'comments' below this post and then follow the prompts - we want to hear from you!

Families Are Inspired in the National Parks

Given your limited budget this year, have you made any plans for summer vacation? For some Sandwiched Boomers, squeezed between caring for growing children and aging parents, the choices may be limited.

According to a recent poll, close to 80% of adults believe that family and friends are more important than possessions - in other words, relationships trump 'bling' in creating happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment of the American dream. So, in these tough financial times, families are still taking vacations together yet are managing to cut back on their spending. Many are accomplishing this feat by visiting the National Parks - figures show that attendance has been unusually high.

Whether or not you choose to visit the Parks, this week we'll focus on some ideas about what goals you can achieve by vacationing together. Your kids will grow from the experience and you'll all have fun together.

Engage in the world around you. Join with other families exploring the country or start by becoming more involved in your own community. What are your family's interests and passions? Hiking, history, nature, adventure, native plants and animals? You can learn more about them together and expand your universe at the same time.

Find role models to inspire you.. Sculptor Gutzon Borglum dreamed about creating a memorial to American heroes that would last through the ages. Beginning in 1927 he worked in the mountains of South Dakota, drilling and chiseling until by 1941 he had sculpted Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore, looking out onto the Black Hills and Badlands. These men reflect goals to strive for - courage, freedom, compassion and conservation, among others. And the nearby sculpture-in-progress, commemorating the Lakota leader, Crazy Horse, honors the richness of the Native American culture and the dignity of the tribal people.

If you are looking for more tips highlighting innovative ways to deal with the realities of the current economic situation, visit our website Her Mentor Center for information about our recent ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success, available to download in PDF format. And tune in again later this week for more suggestions for making the most of your family vacations.

Overcoming Fear at the Vancouver Winter Olympics

As the Olympic Games continue in Vancouver, today we focus on overcoming two basic fears - failure and success. Competitive Olympic athletes have fought them - and so can you.

Overcoming fear of failure. For some, failure signifies humiliation and the loss of self-esteem. But when the goal is to perform to the best of your ability, you can feel good about yourself even when you don't come in first place. As Coubertain stated in the Olympic creed, "The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well." Stay focused on your growth and the series of steps you take - not the outcome.

Canadian skier Alexandre Bilodeau personified this ideal as he envisioned his courageous brother as a role model - and won the gold medal in the men's moguls in the process.

Overcoming fear of success. Are you stopped in your tracks by thoughts about what might happen once you actually achieve a victory? Do you think you will be hurt by the high expectations of others after your triumph? Believing you must perform perfectly sometimes stands in the way of achieving your goal.

U. S. figure skater Evan Lysacek had to deal with this stress at the Olympics, admitting, "I did have some extra pressure coming in as the reigning world champion." He took the chance for additional success at the Games and skated with passion and skill, winning the gold medal and savoring the experience.

Are Your Kids Hooked on TV?

The latest Nielsen figures indicate that children are watching more television than ever - those aged 2 to 5 are watching more than 32 hours a week while for those 6 to 11, it drops slightly, probably due to school hours, to more than 28 hours a week. That's still, on the average, more than 4 hours a day. These numbers include VCR and game console usage but not time on the computer or playing hand-held video games.

Are you concerned about these numbers? Children's healthcare advocates certainly are. They have warned that this increased television watching may be linked to two childhood issues: obesity and delayed language skills.

For the past decade, parents had thought that Baby Einstein videos would help their infants develop language skills but actually studies have found that infants who watch these kind of videos actually learn fewer vocabulary words than those who don't. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends only an hour or two of TV for children older than 2 years, none for those below that age.

What can you do, as a parent, to wean your children from excess hours spent on television, videos and video games? It's not a simple process, but you can start by talking with your kids about why you believe it is important to reduce their electronic screen time. Help them see that it is not a punishment, but rather an important part of their growth. Here are some suggestions to get you started as you craft a plan that works for your family.

If you are a Sandwiched Boomer, single parent, or working mother, you are likely already stressed by your responsibilities and tempted to use television as a baby sitter. Instead, encourage your children to help you while you are doing things around the house - bring them into the kitchen to help make dinner, let them fold their own laundry, make it a game to see who can straighten up faster. Talk with your kids while you are getting your own chores done and make them a part of the process.

Set aside time for them to play outside with their friends. Learn more about after school activities in which your kids can participate - at school, in your local community center, at the park.

Encourage your children to read instead of watching television. Think about how you can make reading more interactive and interesting for them. Have a good book of your own handy so that you can sit down with them and read together.

Be a good role model. Don't leave the TV on as a background. Watch only the shows you specifically choose.

Include your children in planning which shows they will watch and when. Remind them that they need to limit their screen time to only what they have chosen. Set the amount of time they can play video games, hand-held or on the TV. You may decide on specific days or times for this activity. Make up a chart so they can plan for the week and let them fill in the times they have watched.

Set family rules about what is and is not acceptable in terms of TV and video games usage. Let your kids know that you are consistent in enforcing them. You can even purchase and use a TV/video game time management tool. These allow you to implement the time limits you have set with your children.

You may find that, as in any dramatic change, it takes many baby steps to alter your kids' television viewing habits. When you feel overwhelmed at the thought of prying your children's eyes off the TV, you can find some tips to get started at our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com. Click on the post title above to read an article giving you some suggestions about how to begin: Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia.

Susan Boyle Found her Voice, Literally - how can you?

Susan Boyle, the T.V. sensation from Britain has Talent, was shy, portly, middle-aged, nonthreatening - the classic underdog. It happens to lots of people all the time. Who hasn't been influenced by early memories of feeling misrepresented or misunderstood? Perhaps you can personally relate to that.

Boyle performed well in the final competition - but didn't win. And afterwards she was hospitalized with emotional exhaustion. But she came out the other end with her sense of humor intact and even more confident.

Take a lesson from Susan Boyle.



Focus on your values and strengths that can lead to personal success.
Look for a role model whose character inspires you to follow your dreams.
Let your creativity run wild and see yourself from a different perspective.
Begin the process of change and your positive experiences will provide the incentive to continue.

You may find there's stumbling blocks along the way, but keep going. Focus inward and don't be swayed by the attitude of others. Pay attention only to what you're trying to accomplish. And continue to access the internal strength and confidence to move forward on your own steam.

Want more information to help you get started? Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article about Tim Russert as a role model for positive character traits.

What Elizabeth Edwards can Teach Sandwiched Boomers about Resilience

As Sandwiched Boomers, I'm sure you already know a thing or two about resilience. But we want to add to your repetoire by posting some thoughts about what we can learn from Elizabeth Edwards.

Since her book, Resilience, was published, the media spotlight has been on Elizabeth Edwards' promotional tour. It's her husband's affair and how she's handling the aftermath that gets the most press coverage. And the pundits have been after her – some expressing compassion, others compassion fatigue. But it's the other life challenges she has faced that most symbolize her inner strength and resilience.

Personal pain - on display for all to see - has played out before in the political arena. But Elizabeth Edwards really does have something to say about handling adversity – she has suffered through the loss of her teenage son in a car accident, the recent death of her parents and her ongoing fight against cancer. And her decision to speak out is very complicated. Wanting to leave a legacy for her children is one reason to speak out in public. And with her courage as a role model, she's demonstrating to others that they can get through their pain.

While we're on the subject of role models, clicking on the title of this post will take you to our website, HerMentorcenter.com, and an article about lessons learned from Tim Russert.

Log in all week for tips about resilience. And share your ideas about how you bounce back when you're faced with tough situations.

Susan Boyle and 'I Dreamed a Dream'

Last week we all had a chance to learn a lesson from Susan Boyle when she sang 'I Dreamed a Dream' before judges in the trials of 'Britain has Talent.' What a surreal and thrilling moment for her. And what a wake-up call for the rest of us.

Her 15 minutes of fame aren't over yet with, so far, over 20 million views on YouTube. Why the viral nature of this phenomenon? Of course we're all pretty fed up with the media focus on teen pop stars and desperate for some good news or a heartfelt story. But is it that we're really looking for a role model whose character inspires us to follow our dreams?

In some ways Susan Boyle is everywoman. Her initial appearance onstage, with the negative reaction from the audience and judges, taps into insecurities we all have. Who hasn't felt frumpy or unattractive, unsure of ourselves or at a loss for words? Susan has lived a simple life and didn't expect to be so popular. She has been busy caring for her elderly mother and practicing her music. It makes you wonder, has our society been focused on the wrong things?

Tune in all week as we discuss the values and character strengths that can lead to personal success. And weigh in with your own ideas. In the meantime, click on the title above and read an article about Captain Sullenberger and what makes a hero.

Creating Accountability

We all need role models to inspire us, but our culture seems to glorify the cowboy mentality of individuals acting in their own selfish interests. Celebrities' destructive behavior is condoned and mimicked. How can we get through to our children when the voices from the media are so loud? Don't throw in the towel. If you can plant the seeds, perhaps they will come to fruition when you least expect. Here are some ideas to talk about with your kids - maybe some even sound like the conversations your own parents had with you growing up:

Remember that the sun doesn't rise and set only on you. When you think solely about yourself, you deny the existence of other perspectives. Instead, consider the situation from the other person's viewpoint as well as your own. When your actions are harmful to them, weigh that effect in the balance.

Develop values that honor and respect your community. You belong to a larger network around you that is affected by what you do. Loyalty and social responsibility build connections that strengthen you as well as society. For many, spirituality and religiosity create a feeling of transcendence and purpose that helps maintain these bonds.

Click on the title above to read an article on our website about the heroes who serve our country in the armed services, How Observing Veterans Day Can Resonate for the Sandwich Generation. Tomorrow we'll look at more life lessons.

Life Lessons in Unusual Places

Amidst the yards of fabric and glitter of jewels, we continue our search for role models at the Academy Awards. What life lessons can Sandwiched Boomers take from the Oscar extravaganza? Today we look at the leading actress category for some tips.

You don't have to be perfect. One of the changes in the presentations this year was to have past winners of the major acting awards single out each nominee and acknowledge her unique performance. After years of hearing, "it's just an honor to be nominated," the Academy finally got it right. You don't have to be the number one person to be pleased with your behavior and to consider yourself a success. You can feel good about your accomplishments even if you are not ultimately rewarded by being chosen the one and only best.

Don't be afraid to admit your shortcomings. Kate Winslet won the best actress award for portraying a woman whose behavior led to horrific consequences because she refused to disclose her illiteracy. Recognize that others will be more accepting of your imperfections than you think if you trust them. At the same time, as in The Reader, be aware that unintended outcomes may have the same effect as planed ones.

Trust yourself. The leading actress nominees portrayed strong women who continued to stand up for what they believed in, even when others did not. Angelina Jolie, faced with every mother's nightmare, tirelessly worked to find her son and then to bring to justice those responsible for his death and cover-up. Meryl Streep played a nun who, even with some doubts and changing times, pursued her plans for what she thought was right for the students in her school. Melissa Leo did what she could to protect her children, even though it meant taking chances with her own future. And Anne Hathaway's character fought to retain her newly growing strength as her family dynamics assaulted her fragile personality. So, hang in there as you too follow your own reality.

For a chance to consider athletes as role models, click on the title above to take you to our website and our article, Lessons the Olympics Can Teach Boomers.

Wild Things

Looking for answers on how to raise boys? Ever wonder: Why can’t he sit still? Is he hearing a word I say? Why is he angry all the time?

Boys are born to be wild. Their strong spirit, endless imagination, and hunger for adventure are only matched by their deep desire to be affirmed, esteemed, and loved. In their new book Wild Things, therapists Stephen James and David Thomas help parents and educators understand what exactly makes boys tick.

NR: Welcome to our blog today. Can you share with our readers why you wrote Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys?

SJ & DT: Wild Things is an invitation to take a closer look at your son. This book is a comprehensive look at boy development from birth to young adulthood. In addition to laying out the biology of a boy, we also look at the mind of a boy and the heart of a boy. We break down what a boy needs from his mom and from his dad in every stage of his development. We also hit on all the hot topics surrounding boys, everything from the impact of media to substance abuse, the role of sports, and sex and dating.

NR: The subject of Wild Things was inspired by Maurice Sendak’s classic tale Where the Wild Things Are. Why did you find this theme so appropriate?

SJ & DT: If you read closely Sendak’s story, he brilliantly speaks to a boy’s hunger for risk and adventure, how boys crave power and purpose, and how they make sense of the world around them. Sendak’s portrait of boys felt so accurate to the two of us and a unique way of exploring and dissecting a boy’s inner world.

In Wild Things, we borrow from the passion and ethos of Sendak’s book and use that to provide insight and direction for parents, teachers, and mentors in what it means to love a boy well. We also try and give a lot of real life examples from our own lives and from the families we work with in our counseling practices.

NR: You address five key stages that a boy goes through on his journey to becoming a man: Explorer (age 2-4), Lover (5-8), Individual (9-12), Wanderer (13-17), Warrior (18-22). What stage is the most difficult for most boys to navigate?

SJ & DT: Each of the stages holds unique challenges. We worked hard to break down each stage in a way that is easy to digest. We think that that parents and educators will walk away with a clearer understanding of a boy’s unique design in each stage and some practical ideas in how to care for him within that stage of his development.

In many ways Wild Things is the kind of thing that you don’t just read once. It is more like an entertaining reference guide that parents and teachers can go back to time and time again for encouragement, insight, and direction.

But if we had to identify one stage as the most challenging, though, we’d have to say the Wanderer stage (13-17). This window of a young man’s development is plagued by physical and emotional change. A colleague of mine, who is pediatrician, said boys in this stage are 98% hormone, which translates to their being so emotional. A part of their developmental agenda is moving toward independence and pulling away. He’s often times the most distant and hard to read in this stage, which greatly complicates the process of letting him go and trusting him with more independence. And it is during this stage that is has the ability to make decisions that will effect the rest of his life.The risks are real and boys in this stage lack the ability to choose wisely with their future in sight.

NR: Who are the most important role models in a boy’s life?

SJ & DT: There is no question that a boy’s parents play a foundational role in the man he becomes. In Wild Things we have a chapter that specifically address a mother’s relationship with her son as well as a chapter that addresses a father’s relationship with his son. But it doesn’t stop there for boys. There is great truth to the old African proverb that says “it takes a village.” We talk early in the book about how a boy begins to hunger for other voices and a part of our role is to put them in his way, so that he ends up with this community of individuals who believe in him and hold him up.

NR: People often talk about the father’s role in teaching a boy to be a man, but a mother’s relationship is important too. What are some mistakes a mother can make?

SJ & DT: A mother’s role is so very important. That message is woven throughout Wild Things. There is so much to the answer to this question. You’ll need to read the book to get a comprehensive look at your role throughout his development. We talk a lot with mom’s about two unique callings within their role, both of which lend themselves to mistakes and potential harm to the mother-son relationship. To boil it down though to a couple of things we would say 1) the first is being safe and 2) the second is letting go. We break both of those down in great detail within the book. By being safe we mean a mothers ability to let her son be a boy. By letting go we mean a mother’s willingness to let her boy become a man. We speak a whole lot more to this throughout the book. It’s such a big question, and an important question for moms to consider.

NR: If you could give once piece of advice to parents and educators reading this book, what would it be?

SJ & DT: The study of a boy is such a worthwhile use of your time and resources. Boys are complex, imaginative, mysterious, brilliant, challenging, creative, strong, tender, courageous beings—and each is unique. Parenting and educating them is a wonderful, difficult, complex, enjoyable, physical, emotional, delightful, maddening journey. Our hope is that Wild Things is a useful guide along that journey.

If we have to give one piece of advice it would be for parents and educators to continue to invest in their own emotional and spiritual maturity. Growing yourself is the best gift you can give a boy you love.

NR: Thank you for joining us today. We have so many more questions for you, please come back tomorrow and we will fire away again.

Ever since 1789 when President George Washington declared Thanksgiving a holiday, Americans have been going home. But it can be complicated when old family dynamics surface in the midst of the meal. This week we'll be addressing what the Sandwich Generation can bring to the table in order for the holiday to run smoothly.

Make a conscious decision to put aside misunderstandings. Realize that if you arrive at dinner with no complaints, an open mind and an accepting heart, you'll be in a better emotional place to enjoy the family time together.

Before the meal, begin a conversation about gratitude. Encourage your children and your parents to talk about what they are thankful for and how recognizing these kind of feelings can become a part of their daily lives.

Serve as a role model for your extended family. Pause to recognize the talents, skills and positive character traits of others. By openly acknowledging their personal strengths, you'll show your support as well as make them feel good about themselves.

Log in and share some of your ideas about what works for you and your family.

Hillary Clinton brought women into the political process with an intensity not seen since they campaigned passionately for the right to vote. And what happened to her candidacy is what countless Sandwiched Boomer women have experienced. Finally positioning themselves for the big job, after years of taking care of others - including the families of their partners - it is given to someone else.

Moving into the White House will bring big changes for Michelle Obama and her family. She says that she will be a mother first, caring for her daughters, attending their school events and ballet recitals. But Michelle is a lawyer and a strong woman – a role model in a unique position and committed to helping working families.

When Hillary told her supporters to get behind Barack Obama, she knew what she was talking about. What political issues are most important to your family and what do you hope the new administration will do about them?

We think all you Sandwiched Boomers will enjoy this article by Roberta Benor - Food for the Sandwich Generation: the Meanings Behind the Bread You Choose - published in the Washington Post in 1992.

"When you are told by your secretary that a nurse is on the line, do you try to guess if it is the school or the nurse in the cardiac care unit? Are your conversations at dinner parties now centered equally around vignettes of both your youngest and oldest relatives? Do you find yourself sandwiched in the middle of caring for your children and your parents? Then you are definitely part of what has been labeled the Sandwich Generation.So how do you cope with these double demands on your time and energy? How do some people work out the intricacies of the life cycle web better than other people do?

The secret may lie in how you prepare your life's sandwich, how you choose to view the situation. Just as in a deli, when you are asked what kind of bread you would like for your sandwich, you also can make the symbolic choice of what kind of bread you want to define the way you are able to handle your responsibilities in the sandwich generation. What follows are some choices of bread and the meanings behind them:

1) White Bread—as in the traditional Wonder Bread. You try to be Wonder Woman or Wonder Man by doing everything for everyone. And as with some white bread, you may wind up lacking the necessary vitamins and minerals, exhausted at the prospect of doing it all yourself. The reality of the situation demands that you change the recipe of your sandwich a bit. Add a heaping tablespoon of independence on the younger generation slice of bread. Guide your children into helping their grandparents to the best of their age capabilities and geographic boundaries. Dissolve any guilt you may feel by knowing that when you let generation one and generation three cook together, they will meld into a unified family.

2) Whole Wheat Bread—better for you, because the kernel is left in. Symbolically, you have to maintain your kernel of existence. You have to decide to do things for yourself. You have to say, "I'm not available now." You have to make an effort to read that book, take that vacation, or relax on that porch when you want. The demands on your time always will be there, but you will become more successful at handling everything when you are more of a person for yourself.

3) Rye Bread—you need your wry sense of humor. It will be very helpful for you to step back from the situation and laugh. Yes, it is sad to see your ailing parent, but surely you can find something to laugh at. Maybe like the seeds in rye bread, your humorous episodes are few and far between, but they are there.

4) A Roll—this is what you need to "roll" with the punches. Perhaps you have to miss your daughter's school play to be with your hospitalized dad. She'll understand, because you are teaching her that life is filled with difficult choices. Maybe that's why video cameras were invented. You can be comforted at those times when you are pulled in two directions at once by realizing that in showing compassion for your aging parent, you are serving as a "role" model for your children.

5) Multi-Grained Bread—some advocates say this is the most healthful kind. Many grains go into it. Therefore, it follows that this is the healthiest way for the sandwich generation to cope. You need to make use of multi-services. Of all the people you know, who can cook meals for your parents? Who can drive them to an appointment? Who can help you with figuring out their bills? You do not have to do it all. Each city or county has its social service department. Skilled employees can give specific advice. In addition, voluntary assistance agencies abound. It also is a good idea to ask advice of a friend who has been in a sandwich before. You want to avoid the end of the children's song, "The Farmer in the Dell." You don't want people to say of you, "The cheese stands alone." You will be mentally healthier if you allow yourself to be part of a multi-grain team.

Just as on a different day, you may feel like having a different sandwich, so on any given day you may decide to try a different kind of bread. What kind of sandwich do you want to be today? One of multi-grain and rye might become your favorite combo—keeping your sense of humor as you take advantage of help offered by agencies, family, and friends. You don't have to be a Hero sandwich. It's probably too much for any one person to chew. If you find that you are overwhelmed or are not satisfied with how things are going, that your sandwich is getting stale, then change your bread. Take a slice from another kind of loaf.

Finally, don't forget why you like sandwiches anyway. They are cohesive units with your specific choice of bread hugging the filling, keeping it and you connected with satisfying love."

Roberta is the author of a parenting book and a senior housing book. You can learn more about her and her business, recording life stories, at www.robertabenor.com.

Anne Kreamer, author of "Going Gray," is our guest on this Virtual Book Tour. Welcome, Anne! We know that this interview will get a lot of you thinking first thing this morning, so let's get started:


What made you decide to stop coloring your hair?

A friend sent me photographs from a trip we’d recently taken and in one of them I was standing with my sixteen-year old naturally blonde daughter and a good friend with gray hair. I was in the middle with a harsh and dark brown hair dye and when I looked at that photograph I realized that I didn’t like the way I looked. I saw that my face and hair no longer really jibed with each other.

How did you decide to go about letting your hair grow in?

That was the hardest part of the whole process. I was fond of my shoulder length hair and didn’t want to get a buzz cut and start fresh, so I went to my colorist assuming that we could just start to pull the color out. But unfortunately it isn’t simple so simple. If you don’t want to cut your hair short, the best route is to add different kinds of highlights to blend in with your roots as they grow out as well as a toner that can help to blend in the various colors

How long did it take?

From start to finish it took me about 18 months to get rid of all of my color. And some days it was a challenge – about mid-point I felt like I looked like an old crazy kind of bag lady. My hair was brittle and sort of unkempt looking and I finally decided to cut about four inches off. It was wonderfully liberating. It felt as if I’d cut off my old and disingenuous dyed past and was ready to look to the future with a clear eye about my age.

What made you decide to write a book about the experience?

My usual way of making any kind of big change in life is to tell as many people as I can what I’m intending to do, and then I have to follow through. So I suggested that I write a piece for More magazine about the experience. And when More got the most letters from their readers about my piece they’d ever had I thought I’d touched a nerve that was worth analyzing in greater detail.

What were the issues that you’d uncovered while your hair was growing out?

I discovered that I was worried about whether I could ever be attractive to men in the same way with gray hair as I thought I had been with my dyed brown hair. And when I began to talk with other women about my experience I uncovered that worry about their loss of attractiveness is perhaps the single greatest fear almost all women feel as they get older since gray hair is our most visible signal of age. Women were also terrified that they would lose professional opportunity if they were perceived as old.

How did you go about getting at the underlying truth or issues behind those fears?

I did several different things.

I talked to as many different kinds of men and women as I could – from well-known people like Emmylou Harris, Anna Quindlen, Frances McDormand, Mireille Guiliano (French Women Don’t Get Fat), Nora Ephron and Governor Ann Richards to regular people I met across the country. I conducted a national survey of 500 people probing all sorts of issues around aging and the things that we do to mask the signs of aging. I used myself as a guinea pig in a variety of situations – I pseudo-dated on-line, went out to bars, interviewed headhunters and met in cognito with image consultants. And I read everything I could get my hands on.

What surprised you the most?

You mean after I figured out that I had spent $65,000 on hair color alone during the 25 years I dyed my hair? (That $65,000 would today be worth $300,000 after adjusting for inflation!)

Wow! But yes, beyond that statistic.

What most surprised me was discovering that when it comes to letting their hair be its natural gray, or not, I think a lot of women tend to be worried about the wrong thing. I certainly was. More women are more worried that men won’t find them attractive with gray hair, and yet believe that gray hair is acceptable professionally. My research revealed that the truth is the opposite.

What do you mean?

Well, for instance, I tried to really get at whether gray hair was unattractive to men on Match.com. I figured if I was honest about my age and interests and posted an image of myself with gray hair that I’d naturally get fewer “dates” (or “winks” as overtures are called on Match.com) than I would when I posted the same information but instead used an image of myself with my hair Photo-shopped brown. And shockingly, after I did the experiment three times in three different cities, three times as many men in New York, Chicago and L.A. were interested in going out with me when my hair was gray. This blew my mind. When I was on Good Morning America, they replicated the experiment with a 61-year-old widow in Florida and she had the exact same results! Maybe men figured that if we were being honest about the color of our hair that perhaps our lack of pretence would make us more accessible and easier to date. Or maybe the gray made me stand out from the overwhelming majority of Match-com women my age who color their hair. I honestly don’t know. But I do know the results were inspiring. We should give men a lot more credit.

Did you test this theory in the real world?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. I went out to a variety of New York bars (from places where Wall Street guys would hang out to the kinds where locals went to watch sports) and once again I was really surprised by how it seemed that my gray hair color did nothing to prevent me from meeting and talking with nice-looking younger guys. Most women I talked with during research for my book were convinced that if a woman had gray hair and then got divorced that it was absolutely essential that she dye her hair if she were ever going to date again. I strongly believe that that is not the case. And moreover, I would suggest to most women that if the guy they’re interested in will only like them if they dye their hair, then maybe he’s not Mr. Right.

Was there anything else that supports your contrarian point of view?

The results from my survey were compelling. There is a huge double standard. Through a Photo shopped experiment I also tested precisely how much gray hair aged a person and what I discovered is that if a person is in their 40s or 50s, gray hair allows others to accurately guess a person’s age. When I Photo shopped the gray hair out with brown, the person was guessed to be about two or three years younger. Which seems like a modest difference to work so hard to achieve. I think the reality is we are only fooling ourselves about our age through the use of hair color.

So what was the story professionally?

I interviewed different media headhunters – one in New York, the other based in Colorado and both said that they had neither a female client nor a prospective job candidate with gray hair. They went into real detail about how gray hair was consistently viewed as a signal that a person would not be “right” for most company cultures. And they suggested that if a woman were in sales or marketing allowing herself to go gray on the job would be the kiss of death.

You didn’t expect this?

I met with these women assuming they’d tell me that if I wanted to get back into the corporate arena then I’d have to update my image and dye my hair. But I didn’t expect them to be so emphatic about how damaging gray hair could be to a woman’s career. What I’ve come to believe is that we need women in prominent positions (say, Hillary Clinton) to have their natural hair color in order to give other women the choice or option to dye or not to dye. In my mind it’s like baldness was for men before professional athletes like Michael Jordan or actors like Bruce Willis made baldness seem sexy and masculine. If there were more Emmylou Harris’ the choice would be easier.

What about the image consultants?

I was completely taken aback by the image consultants. I met with three very different people and firms and in each instance they believed that my gray hair could be a professional asset – something along the lines of the way Meryl Streep looked playing the character, Miranda Priestly in the Devil Wears Prada. The main thing I learned from the consultants is that if you change any one aspect of your look, then it is important to modify everything else to bring out your best features. I needed to update my style and color palette.

What about men?

I interviewed a lot of men for the book and with the exception of a writer living in Hollywood, all of the men claimed to be indifferent to the color of a woman’s hair. If a woman is lively and interested in what they are saying and seems to take care in her personal appearance, then hair color was irrelevant to the men – and they are so worried about going bald that the color of our hair never entered the equation!

And I’ve been thrilled by the number of men who have written to me since the book was published telling me that they’d bought it for their wives, or mothers or sisters. They hoped that by reading the book the women would come to understand that men like women just the way they are.

Unfortunately, I also discovered that men are the next market segment that the cosmetic companies are targeting for hair color. The female market is practically saturated so men are the only growth area left. It’s a scary thought.

And did you find any differences with people from other countries?

I interviewed Mireille Guiliano, the author of the French Women Don’t Get Fat books, and also several other European men and women and, not surprisingly, found that Europeans in general have a greater tolerance for a wide range of what women can look like as they age.

Where did you end up? Do you disapprove of people who dye their hair?

I certainly don’t disapprove of people who dye their hair – after all, I’m a very recent convert to my natural color. And I no longer work in a corporate environment so I have the luxury of feeling safe and comfortable writing at home by myself with my gray hair and I’ve been married to the same man for 30 years. But I did come through on the other side happier and more at home in my body than when I dyed my hair. It feels liberating to walk down the street and know that as much as possible I’m projecting pretty much who I am to the world. I love not spending the time at the beauty shop and I really love not spending the money.

I feel like I’m a better role model for my daughters and it seems like my husband finds me as sexy with my natural hair.

I also discovered through my research and reading that acknowledgement of your real age is one of the most important tools we have to increase the odds that we’ll age healthfully and happily. Several studies have clearly indicated that people who accept their age actually live longer. So I love that by choosing to give up one little piece of artifice I might actually be helping myself stick around longer for the grandchildren I long to know.

Thanks for taking the time today to inform our readers, Anne. I went gray a couple of years ago and I had lots of ambivalence before I took the plunge. So, Sandwiched Boomers, I know you have some questions and concerns. Anne will be checking in throughout the day - so here's your chance - just click on "comments" and fire away.