Virtual Book Tour: Dr. Jeffrey Rubin and "The Art of Flourishing"

We are delighted to welcome Dr. Jeffrey Rubin to our Virtual Book Tour today. What follows is a crosspost of his interview with HeadButler.com's Jesse Kornbuth - Take it away, Jesse:

Talk about conflicted! Jeffrey Rubin has been a friend for a decade. Long before he started writing his new book -- The Art of Flourishing: A New East-West Approach to Staying Sane and Finding Love in an Insane World -- I heard him talk through some of the ideas. I read his book in manuscript and, because I was born that way, I marked passages I loved and passages I loved a little less. A company I co-founded is helping him promote the book online. Yes, I'd call that conflicted.

I can't, in good conscience, review the book -- though I think I'm allowed to say it provoked some brain flares for me and nudged me toward what feels like a better path -- but I can, legitimately, tell you about its author. As a kid, Jeffrey was one of those annoying brainiacs who has, even more annoyingly, a killer jump shot. He burned through Princeton and graduate school, and then, fully credentialed, set out to heal the world.

A funny thing happened along the way. He discovered that Western psychoanalytic theory could get him -- and his patients -- only so far. But he was also a meditator and a seeker, and in Buddhist practice, he found tools that seemed extremely useful. He started to combine West and East and discovered he was on to something. Others agreed. Eventually one of his patients included a Zen master. [That relationship is chronicled in a fascinating article in The New York Times Magazine.] Jeffrey is still a brainiac -- I doubt Dr. Phil will be saying anything as simple and profound as this: In meditative psychotherapy, meditation and yogic breathing are used to quiet and focus the mind. Meanwhile, psychotherapeutic insights about unconscious motivations illuminate the meaning of what arises during one's spiritual practice. And the therapeutic relationship -- conceived of in a freer and more empathic way -- is the arena in which new ways of living are explored and actualized.

You need not be a patient of Dr. Rubin's to get the benefit of his work. There's his book, written by a smart grown-up for smart grown-ups, which can, he says, help you "flourish." What's that? I asked that question, and some follow-ups, on your behalf.

Jesse Kornbluth: So, Doctor Rubin, what is "flourishing?"

Jeffrey Rubin: Here's the short answer: Flourishing is cultivating better relationships by enriching one's self-care and self-awareness.

Now I'll give you the longer version. For me, flourishing begins with resisting the frenetic pace and the bombardment of information and expanding inner space. Meditation and yoga, reading and music help me access inner space. You might get there by walking in nature, writing in a journal or cooking a meal.

I thrive when I appreciate beauty, so I try to remain alert to three areas -- physical beauty, the virtuosity of artists, athletes, and performers and admirable deeds and virtuous character.

We are what we care about. Another important aspect of flourishing for me is living my highest values. And when there is a gap between my ideals and my behavior -- which there sometimes is -- I try to lessen it. These gaps signal what I need to work on.

Balancing my physical needs with my intellectual ones, staying healthy even though I sit a lot in my work, is another aspect of flourishing. My goal is to work towards peak physical health. I happen to be addicted to playing basketball, so staying in shape makes it possible to remain in the game.

Flourishing also involves responding to the challenges I confront. Flourishing is not the same as happiness -- it doesn't always feel good. Sometimes flourishing is knowing I did the best I could.

Living authentically is also a crucial aspect of flourishing. I try to make my life my own, not a stale copy of someone else's style, or a replica of what society encourages me do, but what I, Jeffrey, believe is sane and wise.

The last stage of self-care and the final aspect of flourishing is maintaining and deepening my relationships; being a better partner, a better friend, working through conflict where possible, giving time to the needs of the people I love and care deeply about.

JK: As I read your book, it seems like you're saying we may flourish more in hard times than in boom years. True? Why?

JR: Yes. When all is going well, personally, and culturally, we feel good. And we continue to do what works. But success is a barrier to creativity. We often coast during those times. And as a result, we don't learn anything new, and we don't grow.

Crisis, which is often scary, and does not feel good, can lead to opportunity as well as challenge. Crisis forces us to wake up, to leave the comfort of coasting, to take the wheel and steer -- or crash.

JK: In the book, you write that cultivating beauty is a "cornerstone of a life well lived." Agreed. So let's explore your greatest hits list. Most beautiful music?

JR: Mozart (Symphony 40 in G Minor and Eine kleine Nachtmusik), Beethoven's 5th, Chopin's waltz op. 64, No. 2, Tchaikovsky (especially Swan Lake & Nutcracker), Charlie Parker (Laura), John Coltrane (Crescent), and Motown. Some of my fondest memories as a teenager were playing basketball outside during the summer with friends with Motown as our soundtrack. You would have thought us New Yorkers were living in Detroit.

JK: Most beautiful book?

JR: I'd break out in hives if I had to select one. Greek and Shakespearean tragedy; Great Expectations & Anna Karenina, which got me through an especially tough time; Aristotle's Ethics; And There Was Light by Jacques Lusseyran; and Centering: Poetry, Pottery and the Person by M. C. Richards. If you ask me this in a week or a month I might have a wholly different list...

JK: Favorite artist?

JR: Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Ivan Aivozovsky's The Ninth Wave, 1850, which is a staggering painting of a small raft at sea. Monet and Renoir, Thomas Cole of the Hudson River school, and Richard Diebenkorn.

JK: I happen to know you like action movies, especially if they star Steven Seagall. Dare you to put one on your list of most beautiful movies.

JR: I love Bruce Lee more than Seagall. Steven might have his hands full with the Little Dragon. Films like The Visitor, The Straight Story, Smoke, Rabbit-Proof Fence and Winter's Bone are on my must-see-again list. And two childhood favorites again: To Kill a Mockingbird and Pride of the Yankees... I couldn't stop laughing during Best in Show.

JK: You tell a great story about winning a high school basketball game with a last-second shot that took place outside of time. Have you had that "Rubin! At the buzzer!" feeling since?

JR: Yes. Playing hoops at night by myself in a gym in East Meadow, NY in 1983. The hoop seemed as big as the ocean and the ball felt attached to my hand like a yo-yo. Time felt like it expanded and I was in a zone of joy and flow. The game felt so easy it was unfair, causing me to laugh out loud while I was playing. I've also had wondrous experiences meditating.

JK: All these people I see multi-tasking -- being in a conversation while texting or Tweeting -- strike me as missing the point completely. Or are they, in their own way, flourishing?

JR: I think it's tricky to measure other peoples' states of mind from the outside. That's the psychoanalyst in me. The Buddhist would say I'm not going to flourish by judging others. That said, what I've personally discovered, and what many of us have been reading about in the recent past, is that multitasking seems to insure that we attend less well to each task and that we feel more scattered, hyper-stimulated, and un-centered, all at once. And this state does tend to get in the way of focusing on doing what is authentically good for us and starves the people around us who need and deserve our complete attention.

JK: I've got 10 minutes. What can I do to enrich my life? What won't work?

JR: One of the deepest lessons I've learned from the yoga tradition is that we become whatever we are connected to. Assuming you're at home, engage in a conversation or activity that you find stimulating or meaningful. Listen to your favorite music, read an engrossing book, or look at a beautiful work of art that moves you. If you're in the doctor's office, take 12 relaxed and gentle breaths, paying attention to any places of restfulness in your body, and savor it. Try to avoid running ahead of yourself, assuming you have a bad diagnosis.

What won't work is worrying about all you have to do, judging yourself, comparing yourself to other people, surfing the web, eating out of boredom, buying something you do not need, denying what you're feeling in favor of assuming a positive attitude, willing yourself into a better mood.

JK: Reassure us that you still have miles to go. To make your life flourish more, what's the next challenge for you?

JR: We are all works-in-progress. Human growth hormone, the body's repair elixir, is produced 24 hours a day in children. You know when it's produced in adults? When we sleep. I wonder if dreams are human psychological growth hormones, our way of repairing ourselves emotionally. My next big challenge: putting into practice what I've written about in the book. One of my Buddhist teachers used to say, "Begin again, and again and again and again," because human beings slip and fall and fail. The trick is to face our humanness with patience and compassion and get up and begin again.

Thought provoking, Jeffrey and Jesse - thanks for sharing your inteview with all of us. Heres how you can learn more about Dr. Jeffrey Rubin and Jesse Kornbluth.

Now readers, it's your turn. Want to make comments or ask Jeffrey questions? Just click on 'Comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as anonymous, it's as easy as that.

National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Thriving after any serious illness is complicated and sometimes feels like an uphill struggle. Today's coping tips can help you support yourself - emotionally and physically - along the difficult course of dealing with beast cancer and its treatments.

As you move through this process, you find that staying informed and involved at each step gives a sense of power and resiliency. The National Cancer Institute, a part of NIH, has a wide range of materials to make this job easier. And here are some more tips to help you take charge of your life:

Accept your changing emotions as normal and give yourself permission to express them. After a brush with cancer, it is normal to feel many different emotions such as anger, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, stress or loss of control. It's OK to express these to people you trust and acknowledge them to yourself. Only then can you begin to cope with them.

Recognize the changes in your body. You may feel that your body has betrayed you, leaving you feeling vulnerable and with a loss of innocence about your own invincibility. You may need to grieve this loss. In addition, you may be experiencing side effects of the treatment such as fatigue, stiffness, lymphedema, weight gain, as well as menopausal symptoms. Once you clarify how your body is reacting, you can address each of the symptoms and alleviate them.

Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Follow the guidelines of the American Cancer Society and set aside time for you. Begin an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really like to do and do it. Of course this is easier to say than it may be to do, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

Take credit for the challenge you have faced and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in your process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work you have completed to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned about yourself and made changes in the way you think, feel, act and react to yourself, others and the situation around you.

We celebrate your survival with you! You reflect the unity of women who are surviving breast cancer - and the men who love you.

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and Stress in America

The weekend shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords - and the attendant murders of six bystanders - has again pushed the American psyche into overload. Though out of harm’s way themselves, many people experience stress and anxiety when faced with these kinds of uncontrollable situations. While it appears the gunman's serious mental illness motivated the shooting spree, the horrendous act itself has raised stress levels all across the United States, already high due to the poor economic climate. In fact, a recent national health survey found that 75% of the general population experiences at least some stress every two weeks, with half of these rated at moderate or high levels.

According to the American Psychological Association, key findings from their recent survey indicate that stress levels have increased over the past five years, impacting both physical and emotional health. Most Americans are feeling moderate to high stress levels, with many feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. The most frequently cited sources of stress are concerns about money, work and the economy. Nearly one-half of those who participated in the survey were fearful about their job stability. Over one-half also noted that family responsibilities and relationships were significant causes of stress.

What can you do to reduce your stress levels and take better care of yourself now and during the rest of 2011? The American Psychological Association has some suggestions to manage your distress in the aftermath of the shooting. And here are some of our tips to get you started:

Maintain balance in your life between personal needs, work and your family obligations. Don't over commit yourself even as you retain a normal routine. Carve out some special time for yourself even in the midst of caring for your growing children and aging parents.

Exercise moderately several times a week. Only one-quarter of those surveyed were satisfied with their level of physical activity. To increase yours, find an activity that you enjoy and will stick with - walking with friends, water aerobics, dance or yoga classes, training at the gym.

Eat sensibly, following a balanced diet of healthy foods rich in nutrition that serve as a natural defense against stress. Avoid the use of drugs and alcohol to self-medicate and limit your use of sugar, caffeine and cigarettes as they can contribute to your anxiety. Get enough rest and sleep to allow your body to recover from the stresses of the day. Over 40% of the survey respondents reported feeling fatigued on a regular basis and lacking in energy.

Use relaxation techniques. Set aside time for a regular routine of deep breathing, guided imagery, meditation, or other stress reduction methods. Decide to put off worrying - much of what you may fear never actually happens anyway. Remember to be open to the healing effects of laughter.

Using these tips can help you become more resilient as you cope with the stresses around you on a daily basis. And to learn more about how you can manage the pressures you face in our economic downturn, check out our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Surviving Breast Cancer

As you recognize from all the pink ribbons around, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. Yet soon the month will be over and done - just as breast cancer can be diagnosed and treated. Between 2 and 3 million American women today have survived this health challenge and are living cancer-free. But thriving after any serious illness is complicated and sometimes feels like an uphill struggle.

Today's coping tips can help you support yourself - emotionally and physically - along the difficult course of dealing with breast cancer and its treatments. As women move through this process, many find that staying informed and involved at each step gives them a sense of power and resiliency. The National Cancer Institute, a part of NIH, has a wide range of materials to make this job easier. Here are some more tips from us to help you take charge of your life.

Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Follow the guidelines of the American Cancer Society and set aside time for you. Begin an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really like to do and do it. Of course this is easier to say than it may be to do, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

Redirect yourself toward active goal setting. When a serious illness strikes, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on what priorities are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. Journaling may be helpful as you consider strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

Make something positive come out of the situation. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in such a negative situation often experience growth as well as a greater sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful. Nancy G. Brinker supported her sister Susan in her unsuccessful fight against breast cancer and later founded Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It has become the world's largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists and the largest source of nonprofit funds dedicated to winning the fight Susan ultimately lost.

Take credit for the challenge you have faced and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in your process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work you have completed to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned about yourself and made changes in the way you think, feel, act and react to yourself, others and the situation around you.

You can read one woman's story about her experiences with breast cancer on our website in an early newsletter. Feel free to browse around and read other archived newsletters that interest you. Then sign up to receive your own copy of our free monthly newsletter in its new format, Stepping Stones, emailed directly to you. When you do, you'll receive a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Your Personal Health Plan is Job 1

Although "Obamacare" is now the law of the land for Americans, controversy still surrounds it. Candidates in November's elections have widely conflicting views about its value. Next to jobs as the most import issue in races this year, the new healthcare law is determining the voting patterns of many citizens throughout the country. The uncertainties arising from which party will control the House and Senate in 2011 may leave you in a quandary about your own healthcare strategy.

What can you do in the meantime? Decide on a personal health plan to improve your wellness every day. Our YouTube video for today includes the final two of ten tips for increasing self-fullness. Feel free to begin with any of the tips you like - there's no deductible or co-pay involved. As you decide to take better care of yourself, you will discover the strength to find balance in your life. Develop a firm core - it will sustain you as you continue to nurture your growing and changing family.

The short video, Your Personal Health Plan: 10 Tips for Self-fullness, provides some ideas about how to give yourself the gift of laughter. You'll have more fun and studies have found that a positive mood creates the atmosphere for better decision-making. And the video reminds you, it's healthy to receive as well as give. So accept the help, gratitude and love that others offer.

Are you a Sandwiched Boomer, with demands being made by your children and parents simultaneously? For some help in taking better care of yourself, our article, How to Nourish the Sandwich That is You may be just what you need to get started. Take a few minutes to browse around our website, Her Mentor Center where you'll find other articles with practical tips for nurturing yourself, resources, Stepping Stones, and information about how to receive our ebooks. You can use the comment link below to let us know what you think and how you're doing.

And feel free to participate in the polling questions to the left of this post. They change with each visit and give you the chance to have your opinions heard and tallied.

To your continuing good health!

Sandwich Generation: Nurture Yourself

All week we've been talking about how to stay centered and nourish yourself on Valentine's Day. But don't save these practical strategies for just one day a year. Use them often and they'll become second nature.

Relax and rejuvenate to relieve stress. Nurture yourself and your body through regular exercise, good nutrition and proper rest. Attend to your mind and your spirit. Practice techniques of deep breathing or your own form of meditation. And set aside quiet time to do what brings you pleasure. This sort of attitude will sustain you as well as promote greater self care.

On Valentine's Day, give yourself the priceless gift of a life less stressed. Mark the calendar with February 14th as the first day of the rest of your life. Commit to keeping your worry in check and maintaining balance in your life. As you savor your newfound power, cast a love spell in celebration of you.

Still want more ideas? Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article on ten self-fullness tips for women. And stick around the site for a while - there are lots more articles that may spark your interest.

Wrap up of Lucy Adam's Virtual Book Tour

If you missed our Virtual Book Tour yesterday, scroll down to read about Lucy Adams and her book, "If Mama Don't Laugh It Ain't Funny." Below are some of Lucy's answers to our readers' questions:

Were you always funny or did you cultivate your sense of humor? I admire your skill and, although I see the humor in stuff, I don't seem to be able to convey it to others.

I think a good sense of humor runs in my family. My best memories of my great-grandmother and grandmother are of them laughing, and mostly at themselves; my mother, likewise. I learned from them to note the details in life, to find humor even in unlikely places, and how to tell a story. So, I owe them for my gift of humor . . . and for many wonderful memories.

With raising a family, writing and working, how do you ever find any time for yourself?

How do I find time for myself? Funny you should ask that. I just finished writing an article (for a parenting magazine) about moms making time to pursue their own interests.

Writing is my THING, my personal interest, and I tend to squeeze it in where ever I can. I always have a pen and paper with me, I've been known to take out a pen light in a movie theater and jot down an idea that suddenly comes to me. I wrote an entire story one time in a fitting room, sans children of course, in the women's department of Macy's.

I don't watch television, don't carry on long conversations over the phone, try not to get bogged down in e-mails, don't spend long hours on facebook. I find those things steal my time.

But most of all, I guess I've made time for myself to write because it is very important to me.

You say you have 4 children and seem to be pretty intuitive - any insights about birth order?

Aaah, birth order. Well, first of all, I suppose I should confess that there are two babies of my family. And, no, they are not twins. My oldest three children are boys and my youngest is a girl, the natural baby of the family. My youngest boy is the baby of the boys. It really complicates things.

One of the stories in If Mama Don't Laugh capitalizes on the whole birth order idea, when I refer to my children as Say Some Evil (the go-getter oldest), See Some Evil (the observant, quiet middle boy), Do Some Evil (the attention grabbing youngest boy).

You're able to look at your life and find the humor in it - I've never been able to do that. I wonder if that's in the DNA or I can learn to see the world through a softer lens. What do you think, Lucy?

I think all the little annoyances of the day - trying to get four kids to six different activities while also getting myself to my own obligation, dinner burned, no milk for breakfast, an unexpected meeting at work, car battery dies -while on the surface very managable, start to pile up until my jaw is clenched and my heart is racing and all I want to do is go back home and get back in bed. I think everyone has days like this, weeks like this, or even lives like this.

But in the big scheme of things, these little annoynaces are barely blips on the radar. And it's important to keep them in perspective. I don't want my life to boil down to one frenetic day after another, without happiness or joy. I don't want my children to remember me as a stressed out shrew who only said, "Hurry up." When they see my face in their mind's eye, I hope they picture me smiling and laughing.

I believe it is a personal decision to find the meaning, the lessons, the laughter in the very chaos of life. If I can't do that, then I have nothing but chaos, and I cannot live that way.

I loved If Mama. Living in the south and having a gaggle of kids may help, but there was so much I could relate to. The title of your new book makes me wonder what it's about.

My upcoming book, Tuck Your Skirt in Your Panties and Run, due out late spring 2010, is about life's embarrassing, uncomfortable moments, both mine and those of other people. The first chapter highlights some of my own flubs and foibles, then I go on in subsequent chapters to share about my husband and children, my extended family, my friends, and finally observations of total strangers.

The book and title were inspired by an actual incident in which I walked out of the bathroom and down the hallway at work, past several coworkers, with my skirt tucked into my panties. I dedicated Tuck Your skirt to the author of a scathing letter in regard to one of my columns published in the newspaper. Her letter and my response are both included in the introduction.

Thanks, Lucy! We all appreciate your honest, thoughtful and funny responses.

Wow, everyone asked such great questions. This has been a wonderful Virtual Book Tour stop. Please go out and purchase your very own copy of If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny. Ask your local bookstore to order it for you, or order it on-line at all major bookstores - Barnes & Noble, Borders, Amazon, Books-a-Million, etc. Hint: It makes a great Christmas gift! And please keep your eye out for Tuck Your Skirt in Your Panties and Run in the Spring of 2010.

NBCAM and Surviving Breast Cancer

All this week we have been focused on October as National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Soon the month will be over and done - just as breast cancer can be diagnosed, treated and cured. Between 2 and 3 million American women living today have survived breast cancer and are thriving. Here is our final tip this week, for them:

Take credit for the challenge you have faced and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in your process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work you have completed to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned about yourself and made changes in the way you think, feel, act and react to yourself, others and the situation around you.

We celebrate with you! The different pink ribbons we have highlighted this week reflect the unity in diversity of women who are surviving breast cancer - and the men who love them. Today's pink ribbon is by Gordon Smith and can be found on Carol Sutton's site, http://www.carolsutton.net/download_pink-ribbon.html.

For more tips on how to successfully face a crisis in your life, click on the post title above. It takes you to our article, How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge, on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com

NBCAM and Dealing with Breast Cancer

As women move through the steps of coping with breast cancer and its treatments, many find that staying informed and involved in the process gives them a sense of power and resiliency. Here are some more tips to help you take charge of your life.

Redirect yourself toward active goal setting. When a serious illness strikes, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on what priorities are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. Journaling may be helpful as you consider strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

Make something positive come out of the situation. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in such a negative situation often experience growth as well as a greater sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful.

When you feel like it is almost too much to get started making a change, reflect on how inertia can hamper your efforts to cope. Click on the post title above to take you to our website and the article, "Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia." They will help give you just the push you need to begin.

Today's pink ribbon is by Rachel Meinz and can be found on Carol Sutton's site, http://www.carolsutton.net/download_pink-ribbon.html

NBCAM and Coping with Breast Cancer

During October, National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, women are especially focused on early detection and improving the management of breast cancer, should it be diagnosed. Today's coping tips can help you support yourself - emotionally and physically - through the difficult process of dealing with breast cancer and its treatments.

Enjoy the support you receive from others. Your family and friends can provide a network of support for you. You may also want to join a breast cancer support group, either in person or on-line. Support is helpful in several ways - it gives you someone to listen to you when you need to express yourself, someone to give you information and feedback, someone to help you with practical matters such as an errand that needs to be done. Support will be there for you if you look for it. It may feel awkward at first to ask for help, but you'll find friends want to do what they can for you.

Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Set aside time for beginning or continuing an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really like to do and do it. Of course this is easier to say than it may be to do, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

Click on today's post title to take you to an article on our website - Top 10 Self-fullness Tips for Sandwiched Women. After all, David Letterman is not the only one who can make top 10 lists. Remember, it's not selfish to take care of yourself.

Today's pink ribbon is by Lou Carter; you can find more of her Breast Cancer Awareness Campaign designs on her website, http://members.iglou.com/riplou/PinkRibbonPage.html.

NBCAM - National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

For the past 25 years, October has been designated as National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This month, blogs will be "going pink," stores will be selling everything from mixmasters to ipods in pink, you'll see this pink ribbon everywhere. What does this really mean to you?

If you are over 40, it means that you should be having regular screening mammograms. While mammography is the best available screening tool to date, no test is always 100% accurate. So it's wise to also perform your own monthly breast self-exams and see your physician for an annual breast exam. You may also want to consult a physician about your risk factors for breast cancer and additional diagnostic steps to take such as MRI.

Other than skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common cancer facing American women today. But, with mammography and physical exams leading to early detection, most breast cancers can be successfully treated. There are between 2 and 3 million American women living today who have survived breast cancer. So don't let anything get in the way of becoming aware and taking care of yourself. And visit the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month website, www.NBCAM.org for more information.

To read one woman's story about her experiences with breast cancer, click on the post title. It will take you to our website, HerMentroCenter.com, and one of our early newsletters. Feel free to look around and read other archived newsletters that relate to you. Then sign up to receive your own copy of our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, sent directly to you. And tune in all week for tips to help you cope with a serious illness like breast cancer.

Today's pink ribbon clip art is copyrighted by Bobbie Peachey, at http://webclipart.about.com

Wrap-up of the Virtual Book Tour

Yesterday we interviewed Dr. Dorothea Hover-Kramer about her book, "Second Chance at Your Dream," for our Virtual Book Tour. She kicked off the comments by sharing a tip about energy psychology and self care:

Most of us are busy and need quick ways to release stress and tension. Here's one I'd like to invite you to use as often as needed today. When you notice a strong unhappy feeling or negative thought, treat it quickly by repeating a reminder phrase such as "I release……" while tapping several meridian 'acupoints,' which are where the eyebrow meets the nose, at the outer eye, below the eye, under the lip, at the collarbone and at the side of the hand. Each of these points relates to bone, connective tissue and your body's information messaging system.



A reader asked about the similarity between the yoga practice of deep breathing and what is taught in energy psychology.

Dorothea:

Yoga is wonderful and I do some every day, but energy psychology is actually an approach to psychotherapy that utilizes the body's energy system - meridian acupoints, biofield and energy centers - to bring relief to emotional distress. It has proved to be highly effective in relieving trauma, both recent and past.

Another shared that journaling has helped her stay centered, on top of her feelings and tap into her creativity.

Dorothea:

Thank you for sharing how you value writing your thoughts and feelings down. It's so important that we pay attention to our needs. Women are most often the family caregivers and it's all too easy to become distracted from the need to nurture ourselves so we CAN give to others.

One useful question for the beginning of the day is to ask what you really want for yourself today. At the end of the day, take stock and explore how you paid attention to your goal. While gently rubbing the mid-chest area, affirm: "I deeply and profoundly accept myself with all my gifts, talents and abilities."

Readers had questions about how to learn more about energy psychology and begin to apply it. "I am the poster woman for the sandwich generation and I like the idea of honoring myself. How do I find the time to do that?" And "If I have very little free time, what's the one best thing I can do to take care of my aging self?"

Dorothea:

About having enough time to honor yourself, think of the reality that we have 5,000-8,000 thoughts an hour. If those thoughts (the inner self talk) are in any way self-depreciating, the body will feel that and respond by limiting gene expression and repressing immune function.

If you can change even 5 of those thoughts to those of self-appreciation, there will be a change. The human psyche is wired for growth, self-healing and joy. As we align with those energies, we shift our environments within and outside of ourselves.

Thank you for asking about what approach from energy psychology might be best for taking care of yourself with limited time. I suggest starting by taking note of inner self-talk which might give a clue to beliefs that may be limiting to you.

For example, telling oneself " I have very little time" could perpetuate a sense of never having enough time for anything and feeling anxious. In contrast, telling oneself, "I now take the time I need to release negativity" (as suggested in my earlier post with the tapping) may free up emotional energy.

I always encourage taking time to affirm yourself by gently holding the heart area and affirming, "with each breath I increase my sense of peace, with each breath I increase my vitality, with each breath I enhance my coping skills." Positive self-affirmations attract the desired qualities and allow them to resonate within.

One of Dorothea's loyal readers said:

I have shared your book with several friends and family - of all ages. I just want to put in a plug that your book, while aimed at the second half, is also helpful and can be quite useful for those in the "first half" as well. This book is a wealth of useful insight and information that can benefit anyone who is willing to apply it.

Dorothea:

Thank you for spreading the good news about the book and with your friends of all ages. While the book is certainly for anyone, the needs of boomer women and people in the sandwich generation are especially challenging because of time pressures and juggling so many roles at once. Conscious self-care is essential and I would like to share as much as possible to ease others' burdens.

Readers, if you have a favorite book that you think others would enjoy, email us a brief description at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. We'll see if we can arrange a Virtual Book Tour and we'll definitley share the titles with all of you.

Take Care of Yourself

If you are a Sandwiched Boomer taking care of growing children and aging parents as you continue to manage your career and cope with the financial chaos all around, you may think that you don't have any time to devote to your own needs. But it is crucial for you to find a way to get the self-care you need in these trying times.

Take better care of yourself. Discover how to nourish yourself and set aside the essential time for this. Take a walk, stop to watch a beautiful sunset, listen to soothing music. Practice deep breathing to relax and positive imagery to improve your mood. Reach out to your friends for support. Draw on your spiritual connection for grounding as you find your center.

Stay optimistic and flexible. Redefine the crisis you are facing as a challenge and your fears as opportunities for change. Review how you have solved other major problems before. Focus on what you can do about solutions even though you didn't create the problem itself. Remind yourself of all you are grateful for as you rebalance your life. Don't give up when things don't work out as you originally expected. Instead, put your Plan B in place.

To learn about additional ways to nurture yourself, click on the title above to take you to our article, Top Ten Self-fullness Tips for Sandwiched Women.

Our final tip this week comes full circle to taking better care of youself. The more you do, the better able you are to care for others. Remember what the stewardess says on each plane trip, put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help your children put on theirs.

Take care of yourself. You know what you need to do. Find a way to make it happen. Get a good night's sleep - 6 to 8 hours a night helps you physically, improving your immune response, as well as emotionally. Eat a healthy diet of fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, whole grain carbs. Participate in regular exercise to increase the flow of oxygen-rich blood, bring down resting adreneline rates and decrease depression. Increase your social network - going out with friends is not only fun, it lowers your inflammatory responses. Practice daily the stress reduction exercises we have talked about this week - deep breathing, mindfulness, meditation - to reduce your heart rate, blood pressure and stress hormones such as cortisol. Work on reframing your thoughts to keep from catastrophizing.

B. Lynn Goodwin has commented about blog this week and added another helpful tip for relieving stress. "Thanks for posting such helpful hints. Stress always rises in December and this year it could shoot through the roof as the economy looms large over all of us. Here's one more technique for reducing stress. Journal about it. Let your fears spill out on paper. As you write you process stress, relax, and solutions emerge. You might find yourself feeling hopeful again. Want a little help getting started? Visit www.writeradvice.com, click on Journaling for Caregivers and explore. Everyone in the sandwich generation is a caregiver for someone. Be a caregiver who takes care of herself. Journal."

These times of economic freefall are stressful for everyone. Investors are feeling insecure, not knowing what to expect next. Without a financial safety net, you may feel out of control as credit dries up, your 401K declines to a '201K' and your retirement benefits disappear. It's not easy to keep your emotions in check but you have a responsibility to learn to control your behavior so that it is not abusive. You owe that to your family - and yourself.

Just as you take care of your family-in-flux, as a Sandwiched Boomer, you also need to nurture yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and work to fulfill them.

Practice what you know about being resilient. Recognize how your character strengths support what you do. Integrate your core values and personal ideals into how you view the world. Release tension through laughter and soon you'll be able to watch yourself begin to bounce back.

Honor your body by taking notice of what makes you feel better, both physically and emotionally – pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Reduce the situations that cause stress and increase the ones that make you feel more relaxed or alive.

Did you know that July is Sandwich Generation month? It was established last year as the official month celebrating the dedication and patience of those who are squeezed between raising growing children and actively caring for their aging parents. According to the Pew Research Center, just over 1 of every 8 Americans aged 40 to 60 falls into this definition of a Sandwich Generation member. In addition, there are 7 to 10 million adults caring for their elders from a long distance.

Are you a Sandwiched Boomer, struggling daily and exhausted from your family caregiving duties? Become aware of the support options available to you and reach out for help.

Ask for what you need from your family members and seek out professionals for their expertise and guidance. You don't have to do everything yourself. Let your spouse, children and siblings know exactly how you feel, what you want from them, and how they can do their share.

Recognize that it is healthy to receive as well as to give. Taking help when it is offered doesn't diminish your abilities. Accept and integrate the admiration that others express for you. Relish the gratitude and love that your partner, parents and children demonstrate.

As you decide to take better care of yourself, you will discover the strength to find balance in your life. Develop a firm core of self-fullness - it will sustain you as you continue to nurture your growing and changing family.

Do you worry about being called selfish when you pay attention to your own needs, interests and wishes? There's another way to think about taking care of yourself. We call it "self-fullness." No need to look up self-fullness in the dictionary - you won't find it. And it's also not likely to be in the vocabulary of women who are pulled between their careers, children, parents, spouse or even grandchildren. No matter what age women have attained, many still act the part of the 'good girl,' responding to the needs of others first. It's fitting that such multitasking women are called the Sandwich Generation - since a sandwich often means a quick bite to eat on the run for those who don't have the time for a sit-down meal.

No matter what challenges you face as a Sandwiched Boomer in your career and at home with children growing up and parents growing older, it's not selfish to set aside time for a taste of healthy self-fullness. Vow to put your feet up and think about yourself for once. What brings you happiness? What relieves the stress you face every day? What will bring balance to your life? This week we will give you our top ten tips to guide you as you make plans to nourish yourself.

We think all you Sandwiched Boomers will enjoy this article by Roberta Benor - Food for the Sandwich Generation: the Meanings Behind the Bread You Choose - published in the Washington Post in 1992.

"When you are told by your secretary that a nurse is on the line, do you try to guess if it is the school or the nurse in the cardiac care unit? Are your conversations at dinner parties now centered equally around vignettes of both your youngest and oldest relatives? Do you find yourself sandwiched in the middle of caring for your children and your parents? Then you are definitely part of what has been labeled the Sandwich Generation.So how do you cope with these double demands on your time and energy? How do some people work out the intricacies of the life cycle web better than other people do?

The secret may lie in how you prepare your life's sandwich, how you choose to view the situation. Just as in a deli, when you are asked what kind of bread you would like for your sandwich, you also can make the symbolic choice of what kind of bread you want to define the way you are able to handle your responsibilities in the sandwich generation. What follows are some choices of bread and the meanings behind them:

1) White Bread—as in the traditional Wonder Bread. You try to be Wonder Woman or Wonder Man by doing everything for everyone. And as with some white bread, you may wind up lacking the necessary vitamins and minerals, exhausted at the prospect of doing it all yourself. The reality of the situation demands that you change the recipe of your sandwich a bit. Add a heaping tablespoon of independence on the younger generation slice of bread. Guide your children into helping their grandparents to the best of their age capabilities and geographic boundaries. Dissolve any guilt you may feel by knowing that when you let generation one and generation three cook together, they will meld into a unified family.

2) Whole Wheat Bread—better for you, because the kernel is left in. Symbolically, you have to maintain your kernel of existence. You have to decide to do things for yourself. You have to say, "I'm not available now." You have to make an effort to read that book, take that vacation, or relax on that porch when you want. The demands on your time always will be there, but you will become more successful at handling everything when you are more of a person for yourself.

3) Rye Bread—you need your wry sense of humor. It will be very helpful for you to step back from the situation and laugh. Yes, it is sad to see your ailing parent, but surely you can find something to laugh at. Maybe like the seeds in rye bread, your humorous episodes are few and far between, but they are there.

4) A Roll—this is what you need to "roll" with the punches. Perhaps you have to miss your daughter's school play to be with your hospitalized dad. She'll understand, because you are teaching her that life is filled with difficult choices. Maybe that's why video cameras were invented. You can be comforted at those times when you are pulled in two directions at once by realizing that in showing compassion for your aging parent, you are serving as a "role" model for your children.

5) Multi-Grained Bread—some advocates say this is the most healthful kind. Many grains go into it. Therefore, it follows that this is the healthiest way for the sandwich generation to cope. You need to make use of multi-services. Of all the people you know, who can cook meals for your parents? Who can drive them to an appointment? Who can help you with figuring out their bills? You do not have to do it all. Each city or county has its social service department. Skilled employees can give specific advice. In addition, voluntary assistance agencies abound. It also is a good idea to ask advice of a friend who has been in a sandwich before. You want to avoid the end of the children's song, "The Farmer in the Dell." You don't want people to say of you, "The cheese stands alone." You will be mentally healthier if you allow yourself to be part of a multi-grain team.

Just as on a different day, you may feel like having a different sandwich, so on any given day you may decide to try a different kind of bread. What kind of sandwich do you want to be today? One of multi-grain and rye might become your favorite combo—keeping your sense of humor as you take advantage of help offered by agencies, family, and friends. You don't have to be a Hero sandwich. It's probably too much for any one person to chew. If you find that you are overwhelmed or are not satisfied with how things are going, that your sandwich is getting stale, then change your bread. Take a slice from another kind of loaf.

Finally, don't forget why you like sandwiches anyway. They are cohesive units with your specific choice of bread hugging the filling, keeping it and you connected with satisfying love."

Roberta is the author of a parenting book and a senior housing book. You can learn more about her and her business, recording life stories, at www.robertabenor.com.

This ends our posts of how you, as Sandwiched Boomers, can take care of yourself as you juggle family responsibilities:

1. Draw upon your strengths – both personal and spiritual – as you put one foot in front of the other and do what you have to do each day. You know best what sustains you in difficult times – love, duty, loyalty, faith, hope, compassion, bravery, forgiveness.

2. Create boundaries to protect yourself. Don't beat yourself up for the mistakes you make - learn from them. Rather than give up, allow yourself the opportunity to regroup and try something else. Keep in mind that you are human and not all knowing. You deserve another chance.

Remember that this stage of your life, as are all others, is a process of inevitable movement. One day your children will be grown and your parents will be gone. What you will have then are the memories you have collected today. Resolve to take care of yourself this New Year so that they will be ones you will cherish.

We hope that these tips, like the ones in yesterday's post, sound practical and reasonable. As Sandwiched Boomers, time is of the essence, so start slow. Break the ideas you choose into smaller objectives - each step you take will bring you closer to your ultimate goal.

1. Set limits. Paraphrasing Abraham Lincoln, you don't have to please all of the people in your family all of the time. Trust yourself to know when it is ok to say "no" to your parents or your children and to say "yes" to yourself.

2. Take care of yourself – your body, your mind and your spirit – through exercise, proper food, rest and relaxation. Set aside quiet time for yourself and do whatever pleases you – garden, listen to music, soak in the bathtub.

3. Bring gratitude into the forefront of your daily routine by acknowledging your blessings. Make a detailed note, each evening, of three positive experiences of the day. As you do, appreciate what you have to be thankful for: the connection to friends and family, the meaning that comes from being needed, the fullness of your life.