The Day After

…And they lived happily ever after.

That's what we're told at the end of fairy tales. And we want to believe it. But the truth is we really don't know what happens after the wedding. How does the couple resolve the inevitable conflicts? How do they support each other after a defeat? How do they incorporate romantic love into the reality of day-to-day ups and downs?

Today is Valentine's Day plus One. You may be feeling disappointed and resentful about yesterday or happy and cherished. Perhaps you want to savor the warm love you received or to rehash the letdown you experienced. Your focus may even be on what you gave to those you love rather than on what you received. In any case, your perceptions become reality and your reactions set the tone for what comes next.

Life is complicated. It's both good and bad, filled with successes and failures. Often your responses give meaning to what has occurred more than do the actual events themselves.


Take a good look at this picture. You may only see the dark clouds, portending an ominous future or instead notice the patches of color that indicate a potentially rosy outlook. The flag may suggest a sense of community and belonging or the separation from others who are not in the group. A focus on the airplane can remind you of adventures still ahead or fear of the unknown. Even the tankers in the background can raise feelings of optimism or pessimism about our environment.

It's not really concrete objects, events and people that define our lives but how we react to them. Our stories begin in earnest the day after. It's not easy but that's when we begin the real work of resilience and creation. How will you choose to tell your own story? With gratitude and forgiveness or bitterness and remorse? It's up to you.

Brotherly Love and Sisterly Love

Philadelphia has been known as the city of brotherly love since William Penn first named it over 300 years ago and today one of the LOVE sculptures by Robert Indiana has a prominent place on the University of Pennsylvania campus.

With two sons, four grandsons and a brother of my own, I know a little about how brothers show their love. They're physical with each other - playing or sparring - and they compete in just about any way they can. Although they're fiercely protective of one another from any outsider, they seem to enjoy challenging each other with glee and abandon when it's just them. It's their way of showing respect and acceptance - that they are strong enough to take it. Brotherly love isn't often openly or verbally expressed in warm and fuzzy terms - either between actual brothers or between men friends - rather it's conveyed in doing things together.

What about sisterly love? Mostly it centers on connection and communication as a way of creating emotional intimacy. When sisters do compete and juggle for position, generally it's about relationships - who gets more of the love. That can cause jealousy - over who is cherished, more admired, with greater influence in drawing others closer. So women reach out beyond their siblings - their friendships are often as loving, committed and attached as those between actual sisters. The loyalty and devotion of long-term women friends binds them together and builds a sense of inner strength and personal security in each. We are both more grounded and more willing to take a chance flying because of shared links to our sisterhood.

What is your take on brotherly and sisterly love? Your close friendships? Will they be a part of your Valentine's Day experience tomorrow? Who is dear to you? Are your friendships closer than your actual sibling relationships? Share your feelings and start a discussion through the Comment link below.

Love is More Than a Four Letter Word

With Valentine's Day less than a week away, we continue our focus on the many aspects of love. Filled with the deep pleasure of engagement, we often talk about loving a person, an idea, a place, an experience. The great sense of pure joy and energy springing from such love can keep you warm the rest of the season - a must, now that Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter.

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Here are two more forms of love to consider this week:

Love what you do. Whatever it is you do each day - a job outside the home, a hobby, volunteer work, caring for your aging parents or growing children - you'll be more fulfilled if you're immersed in it. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined the term flow for the experience of focused involvement in an activity. In flow you have a greater sense of clarity and timelessness, with your passion becoming its own reward. Challenge yourself to live a meaningful life to its fullest by creating flow, knowing that you can accomplish your goals. And experience love by making a commitment to act on what you feel.

Love who you are. It's not always easy to love yourself, is it? Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, seeing our faults more clearly than our strengths. Other times we over estimate our strong points, seeing ourselves through rose-colored glasses. Two thousand years ago, Socrates entreated each of us to Know Thyself. Your challenge today is to recognize your authentic being. When you embrace your frailties and at the same time encourage your growth and the development of your abilities, you can begin to truly love yourself. Learn to feel comfortable in your own skin - accept and be true to who you are.

We hope you enjoy your day of love next week - whatever object of your affections you choose to celebrate. Want to tell us about your love? Click on the comment link below and tell us who or what brings happiness to your life.

The Month for Love

Long before it was a song, the saying was a part of our conversation - and it's especially appropriate during February, the month of love:

Love makes the world go 'round.

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With all this whirling, love can make you feel off balance and dizzy. Sometimes it's tricky to keep your personal world turning without having it spin completely out of control. With love encompassing so much of our consciousness, the focus on Valentine's Day is usually on romantic love. Yet there are many different kinds of love that can help keep you grounded. This week we'll look at some you can include in your life for the essence of love:

Love who you're with. When Stephen Stills sang, If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, he was thinking about affection and passion with a sexual partner. But you can achieve another kind of oneness with others in your life too. Dear friends share emotional intimacy, commitment and trust as well as a sense of playfulness. Don’t you feel loyal and loving to old friends in a way that celebrates your closeness? And family, with its roots and continuity, can provide feelings of security that allow you to open up to love. When you express gratitude to your family for what they have given you and forgive them for what they have not, you feel more connected and altruistic.

Love where you are. Whether you live in the city or countryside, the hills or flatlands, inland or along the shore, there is beauty to be found around you. As you explore more of your environment, you may find yourself drawn to the serenity of your natural surroundings or to the energy of your community. When you engage and become involved, you'll experience the thrill and deep satisfaction that comes from a heartfelt connection. Nurturing your spirituality can also create feelings of awe and dedication that touch you emotionally.

Join us again on Wednesday when we'll look at some additional objects of affection. Meanwhile, please share some of your own favorite people and places - those that bring a smile to your face and a flutter to your heart. Click on the comment link below and tell us what kind of love makes your world go 'round.

Single on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a special time to express romantic love. But it can also put pressure on those who, every other day of the year, are perfectly fine with their single status. You may feel lonely on this day and worried that you don't have the motivation to do what's in your best interests.

Photo by Keattikorn

When you love your life you're better able to control how you handle Valentine's Day. Follow these practical tips and put this one day a year in perspective:

Give yourself an emotional break and watch what happens. With a deep breath, release any negative thoughts you have about not being in a relationship. Actively dispute the notion that you are unworthy or unattractive. Choose an affirmation that rings true for you - I'm fine just the way I am; my life is full of those who care about me - and repeat it out loud, with conviction and often.

Take a step back and trust your instincts. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance about where you are right now. As you recognize your strengths, focus on why you're happy with who you are and what's important to you. Be sure that you're integrating your core values and personal ideals into how you live your life.

Pay attention to the positives in your relationships. Notice who you enjoy spending time with and what about them brings you pleasure. And remember that your personal character and qualities make them want to be your friends. Relax into your friendships as you enjoy fuller and deeper conversations.

Connect often with others. Going out with a group of colleagues can sometimes be more fun than a date. And having support is especially important when you're feeling down. You can bring more intimacy into your circle of friends. Be willing to reveal your opinion and needs so that others have access to your inner world. And encourage them to do the same with you.

Lower your expectations about today. Actually, there really is no perfect day, so relax. Be realistic and proactive. You can take the lead and make a plan - organize a potluck dinner or a hike in the hills. The wonderful memories you create will last long after the day is over.

Make the most of today. And log on again Wednesday for more tips about how to have less stress around Valentine's Day.

Sandwich Generation: Nurture Yourself

All week we've been talking about how to stay centered and nourish yourself on Valentine's Day. But don't save these practical strategies for just one day a year. Use them often and they'll become second nature.

Relax and rejuvenate to relieve stress. Nurture yourself and your body through regular exercise, good nutrition and proper rest. Attend to your mind and your spirit. Practice techniques of deep breathing or your own form of meditation. And set aside quiet time to do what brings you pleasure. This sort of attitude will sustain you as well as promote greater self care.

On Valentine's Day, give yourself the priceless gift of a life less stressed. Mark the calendar with February 14th as the first day of the rest of your life. Commit to keeping your worry in check and maintaining balance in your life. As you savor your newfound power, cast a love spell in celebration of you.

Still want more ideas? Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article on ten self-fullness tips for women. And stick around the site for a while - there are lots more articles that may spark your interest.

Sandwich Generation: Make it Happen

As Valentine's Day approaches, you don't have to feel down in the dumps. If you're single and a member of the Sandwich Generation, do you have an aging parent who's not feeling so well or an adult chld who's going through a rough period? Reach out and see what happens to you when you bring a smile to their face.

Give back some love. Go outside your normal routine and get in touch with a relative or neighbor you've been meaning to call or visit - it could brighten the day for both of you. Studies show that when you shift attention away from yourself to others, you actually feel better.

Volunteer your time. Nothing makes the day more special than a good deed. And the payback of altruism or giving back can help you see the situation from a much better perspective. Spending the day in a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter helps those in need, increases your connections and can improver your sense of self.

Focus on a relationship plan. If it's what you want, you can define objectives that will move you in that direction. Tell those you trust that you would appreciate being fixed up. Make a list of what you expect in a partner and what changes you may be willing to make. Join a singles group or a dating website. Take whatever steps you think are vital to improve your chances.

Still need more encouragement to feel good about yourself? Clicking on the title of this post will take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com, and an article about how to turn a crisis into a challenge.

Sandwich Generation: Focus on Friends & Family

Just because you're single doesn't mean you have to be lonely on Valentine's Day. As members of the Sandwich Generation, focus on these tips that can reach far beyond a love relationship and perk you up:

Pay attention to the positives in your significant relationships. Notice who you enjoy spending time with and what about them brings you pleasure. And remember that your personal character and qualities make them want to be your friends. Relax into your friendships as you enjoy fuller and deeper conversations.

Connect often with others. Going out with a group of colleagues can sometimes be more fun than going on a date. And having support is especially important when you're feeling down. You can bring more intimacy into your circle of friends. Be willing to reveal your personal opinions and needs so that they have access to your inner world. And encourage them to do the same with you.

Lower your expectations about today. Actually, there really is no perfect day, so relax. Be realistic and proactive. You can take the lead and make a plan for the day - organize a potluck dinner, a hike in the hills or a barbeque at the park. The wonderful memories you create will last long after the day is over.

While we're on the subject of relationships, why don't you click on the title of this post to read an article about the impact of Oprah's support of President Obama at an important time in his life.

Sandwich Generation: Love Yourself

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. If you're single and feeling out of sorts, here are some ideas about how to brighten your day:

Give yourself an emotional break and watch what happens. With a deep breath, release any negative thoughts you have about not being in a relationship. Actively dispute the notion that you are unworthy or unattractive. Choose an affirmation that rings true for you - I'm fine just the way I am; my life is full of those who care about me - and repeat it out loud, with conviction and often.

Take a step back and trust your instincts. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance about where you are right now. As you recognize your strengths, focus on why you're happy with who you are and what's important to you. Be sure that you're integrating your core values and personal ideals into how you live your life.

Let go of bad feelings and think positive. If you continue to feel frustrated, angry or disappointed, remember that a minor change in attitude can make a big difference in how you relate to others. According to Indira Gandhi, "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." Try to find humor in your situation and fall back on laughter.

Still having a hard time taking control of your mood? If you click on the title of this post, you can read an article about how boomers can sing rock and roll instead of the blues. And tomorrow we'll be back with more Valentine's Day tips.

Sandwich Generation:Single on Valentines Day

Members of the Sandwich Generation have a lot on their plates. And if you're single, you're likely handling the challenges of parents growing older and children growing up by yourself. At times, this can be overwhelming. Is it even more difficult for you when certain days like February 14th roll around?

Valentines Day is a romantic time for couples - a special day to express love. But it can also put pressure on people who, every other day of the year, are perfectly fine with their single status. Are you one of the millions of singles who is lonely on this day? Feeling alienated or insecure may leave you depressed - and worried that you don't have the energy or motivation to do what is in your best interests.

But you don't have to react like that. Although you can't control whether or not you have a romantic attachment at this time, you can control how you handle Valentines Day. Log on all week - we'll be sharing tips that can help you put this one day a year in perspective and take your stress level down a notch.

Want to get started today? Clicking on the title of this post will take to our website, Her Mentor Center, and an article about how to beat the blues.

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, we Sandwiched Boomers may be wondering why Cupid is always portrayed as a baby - we know that real love is quite grown up, thank you. Mature love has more to do with the enduring bond created by years of partnering than by the quick prick of an arrow. Building on shared experiences, mutual acceptance and a healthy interdependence, love among Sandwich Generation Boomers is dynamic and yet ultimately stable at the same time. Studies have shown that the longer a couple is married, the less likely they are to become divorced.

When couples have dealt with the myriad of life's challenges over the years, they come away with a deep understanding of what is important in the long run and what is just a minor issue. This knowledge gives them greater flexibility in resolving conflicts that may torpedo the relationships of younger couples. Rather than concentrating on how to get the most for oneself out of the relationship, the focus instead becomes "how can I increase my partner's joy and happiness."

As Sandwiched Boomers, we recognize the time limits of our changing relationships - with both our aging parents and our growing children. This realization allows us appreciate and savor the continuing long-term relationship we have with a life partner. So don't worry if your spouse doesn't gift you with flowers, candy or a teddy bear this Valentine's Day - you know in your heart that he is there every day with his love and appreciation.

We hope that your Valentines Day is love-filled as you create a balance between caring for your personal needs and nurturing the well being of your relationship. Reduce the stress in your lives in order to enjoy fuller and deeper conversations. A minor change in attitude can make you both more relaxed and responsive.

Couples who practice conversational etiquette become more skillful in active listening than in advice giving. Over time, many discover that a commitment to understanding each other’s position, especially in conflict, goes a long way. As Indira Gandhi, the former Prime Minister of India, so wisely stated, "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."

On February 14th, mark your calendar as the first day of the rest of your lives. Cast a love spell in celebration of your relationship. And commit to nourishing a heartfelt connection with your partner through the intimate gift of conversation.

As you set the stage for Valentines Day, use some of the following tips and let your heart do the talking.

Pay attention to the positives in your relationship by noticing the qualities of your partner that bring you pleasure. Discuss these with him from time to time and review them often for yourself.

When talking quietly together, be willing to reveal your own personal needs and opinions so that he has some access to your subjective world. Encourage him to take a risk and do the same with you.

Opposites attract. Genuine mutuality thrives on recognizing the differences in how you communicate. When it's impossible to respect and honor what sets you apart, find the humor in the situation and fall back on laughter.

According to Donna, learning to recognize the differences in how she and her husband evaluated and worked through problems made their relationship much stronger. “We resolve conflict by trying to see what the other one needs. We’ll go around what we can’t agree on and make every effort to reach some compromise. It has taken years, but we’ve both grown to value our relationship more than being right.”

Do you have some tips of your own to share?

This Valentines Day, do you hope that your sweetheart will finally write the love song you've been waiting to hear? Or as Sandwiched Boomers with a lot of practical experience, are you more proactive - busy shopping for the language of love that is bound to communicate the depth of your true emotions?

How couples talk with each other is a concrete example of differences between the sexes – and the conversational styles of women and men are often polar opposites. Despite your partner's ongoing support, you may find it difficult to speak about your deepest thoughts. Sometimes, when you just want your husband to listen to how you feel about a situation, you find him intent on fixing what's wrong or finding a solution.

Statistics indicate that one out of two marriages in the United States ends in divorce. And as a safeguard to this institution, some couples sign a clearly delineated legal pre-nuptial contract. There are other non-verbalized agreements that impact marriages, but are not communicated as directly. For example, “I earn more than you and that gives me greater control over major decisions” is often understood but not considered a topic for conversation. An increase in either trust or tension in the relationship eventually leads to the expression and resolution of these kinds of concerns, one way or the other.

Still other decisions are unconscious, part of the psychological baggage that is carried forward from the family of origin or from previous relationships. For instance, “My father walked out on our family without much of an explanation so, when you’re quiet for too long, I get scared” can be an old, deeply embedded emotional script that is left over from childhood. Shaped by earlier experiences and well hidden by defense mechanisms, these entrenched beliefs often continue to drive individual attitudes and behaviors.

Think about which communication style best describes your situation and how that impacts your relationship. Tomorrow we'll address some tips that can be a gift to your partner on Valentines Day.

Despite the anticipation around Super Tuesday, the results are inconclusive - there is still no clear candidate from either party. Yet they all remain energized and committed to clarifying their positions.

As Sandwiched Boomers, let's continue to raise our voices in support of the issues that are important to us and our families. It wasn't so long ago that women didn't have the right to vote. Three cheers for all of you who took the time to get involved and plan to remain so.

A reminder to tune in tomorrow as we begin to set the stage for a memorable Valentines Day.