Single on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a special time to express romantic love. But it can also put pressure on those who, every other day of the year, are perfectly fine with their single status. You may feel lonely on this day and worried that you don't have the motivation to do what's in your best interests.

Photo by Keattikorn

When you love your life you're better able to control how you handle Valentine's Day. Follow these practical tips and put this one day a year in perspective:

Give yourself an emotional break and watch what happens. With a deep breath, release any negative thoughts you have about not being in a relationship. Actively dispute the notion that you are unworthy or unattractive. Choose an affirmation that rings true for you - I'm fine just the way I am; my life is full of those who care about me - and repeat it out loud, with conviction and often.

Take a step back and trust your instincts. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance about where you are right now. As you recognize your strengths, focus on why you're happy with who you are and what's important to you. Be sure that you're integrating your core values and personal ideals into how you live your life.

Pay attention to the positives in your relationships. Notice who you enjoy spending time with and what about them brings you pleasure. And remember that your personal character and qualities make them want to be your friends. Relax into your friendships as you enjoy fuller and deeper conversations.

Connect often with others. Going out with a group of colleagues can sometimes be more fun than a date. And having support is especially important when you're feeling down. You can bring more intimacy into your circle of friends. Be willing to reveal your opinion and needs so that others have access to your inner world. And encourage them to do the same with you.

Lower your expectations about today. Actually, there really is no perfect day, so relax. Be realistic and proactive. You can take the lead and make a plan - organize a potluck dinner or a hike in the hills. The wonderful memories you create will last long after the day is over.

Make the most of today. And log on again Wednesday for more tips about how to have less stress around Valentine's Day.

Say Goodbye to Your College Kids and Hello to Yourself

After you've said goodbye to your college kids, it's time to say hello to you. Imagine that you're the woman in the photo below, journaling your way into the next chapter of your life.

Engage in an active process of learning more about what you want to do. What nurtures your creative thinking? What stimulates your curiosity? Identify your natural talents. What comes so easily you often don't notice it? How about the acquired skills you have used successfully? Think about what you consider to be your greatest personal strengths. These could encompass, among others, attributes as diverse as a love of learning, a sense of humor, loyalty to others.

Discover what you feel passionate about. What do you really value and care about? What are your dreams? What do you imagine is your life purpose now? Take advantage of the extra time and follow your dream of returning to school or changing jobs. Join a hiking group, volunteer program or exercise class. Learn more about bridge or yoga. Put yourself front and center for a change.

Consider how others view you and your contributions. Who uses you as a role model and why? What in your life experience has led you to wisdom? Honor these insights and find ways to share what you already know well with others who could benefit.

Now, finally, it's about you. So decide to make a start - any start. Write out some specific goals and break them down into manageable short term objectives. Reflect on their purpose and what that means to you. Consider your character strengths and personal resources – and how they will help you achieve your goals.

Want an example of what to expect at Parents' Weekend? When packing for the events, don't forget to take along your new attitude. It will help ease your college student's mind about how you're adjusting.

We encourage you to spend time looking around our website, HerMentorCenter.com. You'll find information on all aspects of family relationships by clicking on 'Newsletter Library' and 'Nourish Relationships', and then on the specific subjects that interest you. Write us about your concerns and ask some questions - click on 'comments' below this post and then follow the prompts - we want to hear from you!

Happiness in the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan

As we mentioned earlier in the week, it was the monarch of the Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan who first defined the concept of Gross National Happiness. But what is the Bhutanese formula for happiness?

Like many psychological and social indicators, GNH is easier to describe than to define with statistical precision. However, the Bhutanese people seem to know that happiness is multi-dimensional. Learn more on Bhutan's official website. The country is Buddhist and has a matriarchal system, very few cars, no branding in the shops, a single television station and a passion for archery. Healthcare and education are free for life. Almost every citizen wears the national costume all the time and regulations on architecture preserve the craft industry of religious art. Yes, there is uniformity, consistency and they're mobilized for the preservation of their core values.

For more ideas, read this article from Psychology Today about how to make a gratitude adjustment. And there's plenty of material for you on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, that can help grow your feelings of well-being. Learn from Trudy about her painful losses that ended in a chance to live life more fully. Here are final tips for the week about increasing happiness:

Pay attention to the practical issues. Get enough sleep, stimulate your mind, eat well, practice relaxation or meditation, find your passion, exercise regularly, don't hold a grudge and spend time with friends. Maintaining order also falls into this category - studies show that if you make your bed, that provides inner calm and helps you start the day off right.

Don't expect too much. Unrealistic expectations can often lead to disappointment. Built-in obsolescence makes you a slave to the latest style and the next upgrade. It never ends, and leaves you dissatisfied with what you have. In some situations try not to expect anything and whatever comes your way will be a blessing.

Want support for the changes you want to make? Sign our email list to the left of this post and, next Tuesday, you'll receive your first copy of our complimentary monthly newsletter, "Stepping Stones."

Michael Jackson and the Media Frenzy

The media frenzy around the death of Michael Jackson was polarized, just like his life. From some there were eulogies of love and devotion. From others there was tabloid sensationalism. You wonder if the speculation about what led to his death will ever be put to rest.

There's something wrong when our society sees fame and celebrity as core values. The intensity of the public spotlight can be traumatic in and of itself. And it's sad that the power to create and destroy is in the hands of pop culture and the media. A gentle soul and vulnerable, Michael Jackson's life was open to public commentary and scrutiny. It looks like perhaps it was just too much for him.



Don't let anything like that happen to you. If you're having a hard time coping, develop the tools and strategies that can make a difference in your life. And trust yourself as you look inside for greater self-understanding and answers to your problems. Use any emotional discomfort you may feel as the signal for a chance to grow.

Focus your thoughts on what you can accomplish rather than on what you cannot. Release your mind from worries and try to work on feeling more empowered. Be grateful for what you have by getting outside yourself and focusing on others in need. Set goals and then begin to follow through with your plans by taking small steps.

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and more information on How to Manage Unhappiness.

One in Three Teens will be in an Abusive Relationship

Rihanna is young, talented, and at the top of the musical charts. She's also a potential example for our youth. But first she has to heal herself. Oprah Winfrey suggested that Rihanna give it some time and get counseling. What follows are ideas that she could take to heart for herself - and as a spokeswoman for all of the young women and men who look up to her.

Take a step back and take care of yourself. You deserve time alone. And the chance to be safe - physically and emotionally. This will help you see your situation from a different angle. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance as you recognize your basic character strengths. Focus on what's important, as you integrate core values and personal ideals into how you want to live your life.

Explore your negative emotions. When trust is broken, if you or your partner have made bad decisions, there can be a buildup of frustration, anger or disappointment, even despair as you make efforts to adapt to the new reality. It may become apparent how much you've changed and how far apart the two of you have grown. And you'll see what steps to take next, for your own good.

Studies indicate that 1 in 3 teens will be in an abusive relationship at some point, and 80% will continue to date that person. These statistics are staggering. As members of the sandwich generation, share your ideas about how to keep our teenagers informed and safe.

We got ahead of ourselves yesterday, so let's back up. For the Sandwich Generation, long before the Thanksgiving meal, there's a lot riding on family. This can create pressure for everyone. With blended families, there's the challenge of logistics - accommodating the needs of others and still not compromising your own too much. And when family members live in different cities it's hard to determine which is easier, going back home or having visitors on your turf. Of course, there are all the memories of holidays past coupled with the expectations of today - sometimes unrealistic and often unfulfilled.

Realize that what you are experiencing is normal and stress is common at this time of year. Here are a few ways to restore balance:

If you're traveling home, remember to pack your patience. Internalized memories or old family dynamics are bound to surface. Unfinished business - like sibling rivalry and the fight for mom's attention - is baggage that is often too large to fit in the overhead compartment. So make a decision this year to try and leave it behind.

Explore the possibility of the out of town guests staying in a hotel. It's more difficult to have others around while preparing the meal and uncomfortable for the guests. Making a decision to house visitors elsewhere could be a relief for all of you - and the beginning of a new family tradition.

Identify your core values. A core value is about being, not about doing. For example, you may set a goal of being more relaxed rather than trying to make everything perfect. Decide to live up to these standards. Begin to take action as you create a more congruent way of life.

Last week we touched on the lessons we can take from Veterans Day as we give thanks for the love of our own family members. Now that Thanksgiving is only a few days away, it becomes even more meaningful to express your gratitude for their presence in your life. Here are a few more ways to apply the message of Veterans Day to Thanksgiving.


Recognize the importance of revealing the love you have for each other. Those who have been in harm's way know the meaning of the words, "it's too late." Don't put off sharing your love; decide to make it a priority. Each day, acknowledge those you love, and who love you, as if it were your last.


Understand the value of friendship. Those in the service have trusted and leaned on each other as they've shared their experiences and relied on their camaraderie. Know that we are here to take care of our friends and family – close and extended – difficult though it may be at times.


Family and community support is there for the taking when you know where to look and how to ask for it. Be open to the reality that you might need to utilize the input and generosity of others. You are not diminished when you allow another to help you.


Draw upon your own strength. You will learn more about your capabilities when you are tested by hard times than when everything is going well for you. Resiliency is increased each time you get up and put one foot in front of the other. Bravery comes in many actions – facing an illness, providing for your family, starting a new career - not only on the battlefield.


Just as those in the foxholes feel the honest emotions of fear, anger, pain, guilt, anxiety and loneliness, allow yourself to experience these emotions when they are a part of your life. Sandwiched between caring for your offspring and your parents, you will feel stressed and anxious at times. Acknowledge these feelings, and then begin to deal with them.


If you remember the fragility and transience of life as you move through it, you will savor each good moment you have. To live your life to the fullest is a lasting mark of respect you can pay to your family and to the veterans who have sacrificed the innocence of their youth for you.


So after having paid tribute to the men and women of the Armed Services on Veterans Day, make a commitment to employ some of these techniques to honor your own family as you celebrate Thanksgiving together. You will find that, as a part of the Sandwich Generation, it makes your time with each member more meaningful and relevant.

Last week we began to talk about ways to connect with your aging parents and perpetuate the values they hold dear. Here are some more suggestions to guide you in this process.

Talk with your parents about their past and the stories of their lives. Their tales will become a part of how you remember them. Through you, the history of your parents will be preserved from generation to generation. Look through their old photographs and listen to the memories they evoke. Video tape these conversations to have a lasting visual and oral record of them. View these family photos and videos as a slice of life - a gift for the future to be enjoyed by your children and grandchildren. Sarah loved seeing the pictures of her mother as a teenager, having fun with her friends at the beach. "Mom always worked so hard – she had two jobs when we were little – and I think it aged her tremendously. My children see her only as very old and infirm. When I show them pictures of her as a girl, full of energy and enthusiasm, she seems more real to them."

Identify what you consider to be your parents' personal strengths and talk with them about the strengths they remember in their own parents. Create a family strengths tree, focusing both on strengths that have been passed down and on those that are unique to each family member. You will have a concrete visual profile of your ancestors' virtues to guide you and your children. Toby recalled the impact that her father's character had on her. “He taught me so much about how to be a good human being just by the way he treated everyone around him. I try to live up to his standard of morality every day in the way I live my life.”

Consult with books or Internet websites to help your parents create an ethical will. Your family will be enriched by their legacy - knowing what they believed in, their values and rituals, and how they lived their lives. Remaining emotionally open during this interactive process can help you better understand your parents as well as yourself and your own personal goals. Shortly before he died, Lynn and her father wrote down some of his thoughts and answers to the questions they had discussed. Now when she feels troubled, she spends time rereading her journal. “Dad lived to age 92. He is always in my mind and I have the words we wrote together to ground me. He was the only one who could make me feel stronger, and I always think about the way he would want me to handle myself in difficult situations.”

Going through the process with your aging parents may even give you a head start on thinking about your own ethical will. What values do you want to pass on to your children? How can you role model these for them today? How can you live your life now as if these values really are important to you? How you answer these kinds of questions to yourself can help you create your own legacy of meaning for your children and grandchildren over the next decades.

Today, we have the pleasure of welcoming author Carol D. O'Dell to our blog as she continues her virtual book tour and answers our questions about her new book, Mothering Mother.

Carol's memoir is bitingly humorous and unflinchingly honest as she narrates her feelings of the moment — love, grief, humor and even bitter resentment. When Carol's mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and a heart condition, Carol's decision not to put her mother "in one of those homes" had far-reaching consequences for her family. She learned to mother her own mother. Her book will help baby boomers struggling with their own decisions on elder care in the home. Mothering Mother touches on what our relationships do to us, how they impact our souls, our beliefs — about ourselves, about life and the quality of life, about faith and hope and finally, about death.

Because you may now or one day face similar choices and experiences when caring for your own aging parents, we want to share with you our discussion with Carol. Here are some questions we posed and Carol's answers. Feel free to ask some of your own and look for the answers here in our blog or visit her website, www.mothering-mother.com.

Phyllis & Rosemary: How did you balance all your responsibilities to your family and career with the challenges of caring for your mother?

Carol: I learned I couldn't necessarily go by who "screamed" the loudest. I had to assess each need and not live from crisis to crisis. My mother was the worst because she desperately wanted all of my attention. She was actually jealous of the time, money, energy I spent on my girls. I wish she could have felt more grandmotherly, more a part of our family and loving and supporting the children as most rational adults do. But my mother's dementia wracked mind was more childlike. Of course, my husband helped, and I hurt for those single moms out there. We tag-teamed parent--one of us would stay with my mother and one of us would attend an event, go to a dr.'s appointment or whatever was on the day. You learn not to panic at every little thing.


Rosemary & Phyllis: In what ways were you able to attend to your own needs during that difficult time?

Carol: Of course, journaling. I had developed the discipline and the passion to "go to the page," and I truly believe that saved my sanity. I also lived in a beautiful area and simply looking out my window and going for a walk in my own yard healed my soul. There's art and beauty in nature everywhere. Become a bird watcher, grow a small flower bed, feed the squirrels--something that connects you with nature is incredibly healing. Also, my ability to make light of a situation, to be humorous, sarcastic, and even my anger kept me from going under. I "used" it to vent, to get things, done. Anger (not the destructive kind) is like jet fuel. It keeps you moving.


Phyllis & Rosemary: What did you learn about accessing your internal strengths and using community resources?

Carol: I say it "Takes a village to raise an aging person." It's true! My mother's neighbors, community and church kept her independent for much, much longer than she would have otherwise been able to do. In turn, they helped me, her daughter and primary caregiver. So many neighbors and friends were so kind and giving to her. They watched out for her in a myriad of ways.

Being active in church gave us access to many people who volunteered their time and energy to help my mother. In the early months of her living with us, my mother actually went to a separate church than we did. I'd drop her off and a kind lady would take her out to lunch and bring her home. This gave my mother a sense of independence, and it was good for her. Over time, our world grew smaller as her care load grew more difficult and we needed "professionals" who knew how to help if she fell or became belligerent. I'm grateful to everyone. You learn you have to piece your care and help together.


Rosemary & Phyllis: How did your care-giving experience change the relationship with your mom?

Carol: My mother has passed away, but that doesn't mean we don't have a "relationship." She's still teaching me, nagging me, whispering in my ear. I feel more connected to the bigger picture--to the present and even to the "beyond." I do feel her acceptance of what I'm doing. I feel connected to my girls, to all the caregivers I talk to. I see us more as points on a web and ways we intersect and help each other.

Phyllis & Rosemary: How did "mothering your mother" transform you?

Carol: I'm more at peace, less frenzied. I'm grateful for my time as a caregiver. I felt as if I were tested to the bitter edge and I somehow survived. It slowed me down for awhile, tightened my family circle, showed me my own strengths and my family's love.

Visit Carol's website, www.mothering-mother.com, to learn more about her book and to register for the contest she is sponsoring. You can win prizes either by attending this virtual book tour, or submitting a photo with your loved one, or writing a short story about caregiving.

While watching the 4th of July fireworks from the beach with several thousand of my follow Angelenos, I felt a great sense of community - as well as fun. And hearing our young grandsons tell us, with such glee, about how they had ridden their bikes - without training wheels! - in their local Independence Day parade, I thought, what a glorious day.

Although scrolling through the news on the internet or watching it on television may sometimes leave you with a deep sense of sadness and dread, getting out in your community can revive your feelings of joy. Sharing an event like the 4th of July with neighbors, friends and family brings into clear focus the values we all hold dear - our love of country and the gratitude we feel for the freedoms and liberty it affords us. How about you?