Steve Jobs: 8 Practical Insights

Steve Jobs, the technology innovator who created the Mac, iPod iPhone and iPad, died of pancreatic cancer on October 5, 2011. He was born in 1955 to unwed graduate students - they later married and had a daughter, novelist Mona Simpson, whom Steve met as an adult. He grew up an only child and, at an early age, his adoptive parents taught him to read and nurtured his keen interest in electronics.

He dropped out of Reed College after his first semester because he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. But over the next 18 months he continued to audit classes that appealed to him. Apple, his first business venture, was started with a friend in his garage. And curious about Eastern philosophy and Buddhism, Jobs went on a spiritual journey to India. He was a private man but we do know that these are some events that shaped his destiny. They may seem like a nightmare for empty nester parents, but a testament to what can happen when creativity, curiosity, and love for our passion lead the way.

Of course, Steve was human. He was fired as CEO of Apple and denied paternity of his first child but later named a computer, Lisa, after her. Employees have described him as temperamental and controlling. Although some say he had a critical management style, he was greatly respected for his business acumen. And he had an almost mystical ability to predict where trends were headed and what people wanted. Just think about the influence he's had on the way we live, work and play today.

Steve Jobs changed the way we relate to the world - how we see it and how we move in it. He modeled skills that we can all aspire to and there are lessons that apply to all of us:

• When you make promises, be sure to deliver.
• There can be success in failure.
• Under increasing skepticism, believe in a little magic.
• Unleash your creative voice and artistic expression.
• Encourage your kids to explore and ask questions.
• Make it safe to experience unabashed excitement.
• Change can be an opportunity for growth.
• Know that you can achieve personal greatness.

Steve Jobs left a legacy of straightforward designs that demystify technology. Haven't we all, at one time or another, had a love affair with our computers? Of course, it's vital to discover your passion. But let's not live our full relational and emotional lives only online.

Secret Midwest Staycation Jewel

In this season of graduations, I just enjoyed a wonderful high school reunion weekend in the Midwest. Even with fears of flooding from the Big Muddy, the people here are optimistic, enthusiastic and friendly. They invite you to come and spend time here. So this week, we've got some interesting, off the beaten path, Midwest sites to show you just in time for your family summer vacation planning.

Within a few hours drive from Chicago, Detroit, Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Louisville, St. Louis and other Midwest cities lies an interesting town, Columbus, Indiana, full of significant modern architecture. If you're planning a staycation close to home, you may want to include this as a family day- or weekend trip.

One of our friends discovered it on a trip back from visiting their daughter at Indiana University in Bloomington. A city of less than 40,000 residents, it boasts a collection of beautiful public architecture - a library designed by I.M. Pei, a bank by Eero Saarinen (who also designed the St. Louis Arch,) Richard Meier, among many others. In the 1950's the townspeople had made a decision to live in attractive environment so they contracted with famous as well as up-and-coming architects to create an atmosphere of beauty. They even placed a stunning Rodin sculpture in front of the library.

Finding that their new schools, churches, corporate offices and other buildings would be enhanced by elegant landscaping, they also created lovely gardens and green areas around them. We were struck by the commitment of the townspeople to actively pursue a serene yet rewarding atmosphere for their daily lives.


If you take the kids with you and want to give them a real treat, you can stop for a sundae in a restored early 20th century ice cream parlor, filled with one hundred year old counters, syrup and ice cream machinery, and musical instruments. The vanilla malted milk was delicious!

As we drove out of town, over an impressive, architectural bridge, we thought about how we too could work to add beauty and grace to our daily lives. It may be a slow process but we can build on a strong foundation from the ground up and leave a legacy with our families to make everyone proud.

If you've discovered other secret vacation spots, perfect for family staycations, give us a shout out and share them here. With limited budgets and gasoline at over $4.00 a gallon, we need all the help we can get planning special times for our families this summer.

The Process of Living and Dying

Yesterday Susan Levin talked learning from her hairstylist. Today she gives some tips about how to help an ill parent through the process of dying:

• Be clear about your parent’s death wishes.

• Give them information (enter key words and learn that the web, in general, and the Hospice of Santa Barbara (http://www.hospiceofsantabarbara.org/) and Visiting Nurse and Hospice Care (http://www.vnhcsb.org/) sites, in particular, are packed with useful information).

• Let them make their own life decisions provided they have the mental faculties to do so.

• Get all affairs including finances in order.

• Discuss any unfinished business and unresolved feelings.

• Make them comfortable (take advantage of various comfort aids).

• Provide privacy (curtains can be hung in crowded quarters).

For some Her Mentor Center suggestions about how to help your aging parents create a legacy, click on the title above to take you to our article entitled, How the Sandwich Generation Can Help Their Parents Create a Legacy of Meaning.

Tomorrow Susan will give you some tips on how to take better care of yourself in the process.

Excitement about the Inauguration

With Barack Obama's inauguration as the 44th President of the United States tomorrow, some are expecting high drama. This ceremony has always been seen as a sacred renewal but, with our country in crisis and the election of the first African American president, this may be the most exciting one in memory.

Today is Martin Luther King Day, a national day of service to others. The activites building up to the inauguration are taking place close to where King made his famous "I have a dream" speech in 1963. His words inform a lot of the emotion evoked by this election - the idea of volunteering, sacrificing, giving back.

Pundits are calling the president elect AbeBama and he has claim to Lincoln's legacy – high emotional intelligence, open to new ideas and engaging people through plain speaking.

Despite a crisis in confidence and no model for how to fix what our country is going through, there's solidarity around this new leader. Barack Obama says he knows there's work to be done and it's time to do it. He's as hopeful as ever. Are you?

Click on the link above to read about what Oprah's support of Obama has to do with Sandwiched Boomers. And stay tuned as we look at the events of this week in light of the new first family.

Baby Boomers have jumped into the grandparent role in the same way that they engaged in other phases of their lives – with enthusiasm and active commitment. They have redefined what it means to be grandparents. But how can you in the Sandwich Generation form and maintain a connection with your young grandchildren when they live thousands of miles away and you see them only sporadically? Use the same sense of creativity that you have mastered in other areas of your life to build a relationship that grows through the years. In this way you can give them the time and attention they deserve - without feeling like you have now become a Club Sandwich with another added layer.

Allan talked about his six-year old grandson, Jake, and the joy he felt whenever they spoke on the phone. "He called me the other day and said, 'Papa, I just saw the moon! It looked like a smile turned on its side.' I could visualize the big smile on his face and that brought an even bigger one to mine. When Jake was just three and we were visiting him, I had shown him the full moon early one winter night. I had explained to him that, even though we lived very far away, we saw the same moon in our home that he saw in his. We decided that the moon would be 'our friend,' and ever since then we have shared this special connection."

Even if you are living far from your grandchildren, you too can bond in a profound way. The legacy that you pass on to your grandchildren will be much more than money or possessions. It will be the priceless gift of yourself. Let them know who you are. You will enjoy the precious time you spend together and they will cherish the relationship with you for a lifetime.

This week we'll be looking at tips from other Sandwiched Boomer grandparents who found a way to develop meaningful connections with their grandkids. See what worked for them and let your imagination run free as you decide what works for you. And please share with all of us the special ways you have used to maintain closeness with your grandchildren.

Last week we began to talk about ways to connect with your aging parents and perpetuate the values they hold dear. Here are some more suggestions to guide you in this process.

Talk with your parents about their past and the stories of their lives. Their tales will become a part of how you remember them. Through you, the history of your parents will be preserved from generation to generation. Look through their old photographs and listen to the memories they evoke. Video tape these conversations to have a lasting visual and oral record of them. View these family photos and videos as a slice of life - a gift for the future to be enjoyed by your children and grandchildren. Sarah loved seeing the pictures of her mother as a teenager, having fun with her friends at the beach. "Mom always worked so hard – she had two jobs when we were little – and I think it aged her tremendously. My children see her only as very old and infirm. When I show them pictures of her as a girl, full of energy and enthusiasm, she seems more real to them."

Identify what you consider to be your parents' personal strengths and talk with them about the strengths they remember in their own parents. Create a family strengths tree, focusing both on strengths that have been passed down and on those that are unique to each family member. You will have a concrete visual profile of your ancestors' virtues to guide you and your children. Toby recalled the impact that her father's character had on her. “He taught me so much about how to be a good human being just by the way he treated everyone around him. I try to live up to his standard of morality every day in the way I live my life.”

Consult with books or Internet websites to help your parents create an ethical will. Your family will be enriched by their legacy - knowing what they believed in, their values and rituals, and how they lived their lives. Remaining emotionally open during this interactive process can help you better understand your parents as well as yourself and your own personal goals. Shortly before he died, Lynn and her father wrote down some of his thoughts and answers to the questions they had discussed. Now when she feels troubled, she spends time rereading her journal. “Dad lived to age 92. He is always in my mind and I have the words we wrote together to ground me. He was the only one who could make me feel stronger, and I always think about the way he would want me to handle myself in difficult situations.”

Going through the process with your aging parents may even give you a head start on thinking about your own ethical will. What values do you want to pass on to your children? How can you role model these for them today? How can you live your life now as if these values really are important to you? How you answer these kinds of questions to yourself can help you create your own legacy of meaning for your children and grandchildren over the next decades.

Several people have written in about how complex it is to be asked to care for an aging parent who has been, and continues to be, difficult. One woman expressed her anguish this way, "My mother is now and always has been self-centered and hard to live with. Now she is old and miserable to be around. I don't want to put my self into that toxic situation." Another writes about her 83 yr old mother who is a recovering alcoholic. "It is still hard for me - the feelings I have carried of the neglect and abuse I went through as a child. I try not to focus on what she did or didn't do but on what I can do for myself." When your parent has not been there for you growing up, how do you come to terms with comforting them in their old age? How do you protect yourself and honor your own needs while doing what you think is appropriate to ease their pain? You may be struggling with these questions yourself or have an easier time setting boundaries. As you look back over your parents' lives, consider what positives are there and what you want to carry forward from them.

As a Baby Boomer member of the Sandwich Generation, perhaps you have already had talks with your aging parents about their wills, beneficiaries, and advanced medical directives for hospital care. But have you discussed an ethical will or the legacy of meaning they wish to leave behind? As parents grow older, it becomes more important to them to be remembered for the life lessons they taught than for the material gifts they leave behind.

Rachel remembers her first experience with just such a legacy. "My mother-in-law was a wise woman. Although she wasn't able to continue her education beyond high school, her understanding of people rivaled that of any psychologist. She raised my husband, a sickly boy, to be self-confident and to strive for the best. She gave all of her grandchildren unconditional love and support. And she never questioned my place in our family. But I think her wisdom was most valuable to all of the family after she learned that her cancer had metastasized. Before she died, she had long private talks with each one of us, never shying away from the truth, even with her grandchildren. She wanted to leave a lasting personal legacy with every member of her family and a final expression of her love for each of us. I am still strengthened by the memory of my final talk with her, even today."

What can you do to help create a legacy of meaning within your own family? Try this to get started and we'll talk about some more ideas next week:

Spend quality time talking with your parents about the values that are important to them. Ask them specific questions about what ethics have guided them through the years. You probably know some of these answers from having observed them and their role modeling, but the conversations can be further enlightening. As Mimi cared for her mom when she was at the end stages of heart failure, they had long conversations deep into the night. Mimi grew to appreciate her mother as never before. “I used to criticize her for being so frugal. I now realize she was afraid she wouldn’t have enough money to survive. I decided to use the small inheritance she managed to save for me in a way she would appreciate. I’ve opened college bank accounts for the children of my brother, who is struggling financially. I am proud that I can honor my mom in this way.”