The Sandwich Generation Takes a Big Bite

As a member of the Sandwich Generation, there's a lot to chew on. Monday we focused on the practical issues as your parents decline and need more support from you, the family and their community. Now here are some ideas specifically for you that may impact your perspective during this difficult time:

Caregiver groups can be a lifesaver for you. These consist of others who are part of the sandwich generation and understand exactly what your life is like. Led by a group facilitator, you'll get support, information, suggestions. You may even laugh a little as you share experiences.

You are more prepared than you think. Look back and track the strengths that have worked for you in the past when you have faced difficult circumstances. For the comfort and wellbeing of you and your parents, put them into play now.

Take note of the changes your family is experiencing. Remain sensitive to what your parents are going through. And come to terms with your own feelings of frustration, anger, sadness or loss. Address unfinished business with your siblings, resolve the issues and get them involved.

Your attitude and behavior impact the challenges. Recognize the emotional shifts you need to make as well. Talk to friends who are having similar problems with their parents. Seeing the situation from another perspective can normalize your reactions and ease the transition.

Trust that you will find solutions to the problems. Once you have identified the situations that need to be dealt with, prioritize the specific issues as you adjust to your feelings. Be sure to find others to help, especially family and community resources. And take care of you as you sustain your parents.

Pay attention to your own needs. As you assume greater responsibility for your parents' care, make nurturing yourself a priority. Renewal gives you more energy and resilience. You'll find that being positive and centered - emotionally stronger - you're more ready to meet the challenges.

This can be a very stressful time in your life. Rely on your coping strengths when you take smaller steps than you would like. Know that by your acts of kindness you'll bring greater joy and richness into your parents' lives. When you spend intentional time with them relish their appreciation, which you deserve. And savor the power of the example that you set as your own children watch how you support their grandparents.

Balancing Kids' Summer Plans with Your Work Life

Like most of us, you must be wondering where the time has gone. Didn't it seems like only yesterday you were buying backpacks and lunch boxes in preparation for the school year?

For families, June is a busy month with graduation parties, little league finals and music recitals. And right around the corner is summer vacation - lazy days for kids but stressful for working parents. If you haven't made your plans yet, here are some ideas to help you create a work/family balance:

Photo courtesy of Photostock


Stay flexible. To minimize your anxiety and maximize time with your kids, try to negotiate a flexible work schedule. Even if you only take the odd morning off or leave early once in a while, find someone to cover for you. Downtime to rejuvenate is important for you and for the wellbeing of your family.

Arrange creative child care. There must be plenty of responsible teenagers in your neighborhood who are looking for a part-time summer job. Or why not organize a co-op or a weekly swap with friends? Don't forget your kids' grandparents or other family members who always say they want to see them more often.

Plan a staycation. Arrange a family meeting and encourage a discussion about what activities they would like. With a democratic process and everyone having a voice, you'll ensure cooperation. Think about visiting a local museum, playing beach volleyball, attending an outdoor concert. If money is an issue, several day trips or weekend camping trips can make the whole family feel recharged and reconnected.

Embrace boredom. Encourage your kids to use their imagination and discover their own ways to keep busy - a lemonade stand on the corner, watching home movies, planting a small garden, walking the dog, swimming in the community pool. It could be fun to play board games, ride bikes or shoot hoops with friends on the block.

We want to hear from you - click on "Comments" at the bottom of this post and share your ideas about how to keep your kids engaged during summer vacation. And log on Wednesday for more practical tips about reducing your summer stress.

What Charlie Sheen Can Learn from the Tragic Earthquake in Japan

Often, in the face of disaster, we feel a deep sense of helplessness. And the tragedy in Japan evokes a particular vulnerability when we see the pressing and immediate needs for food and shelter.

Many who have lost everything are offering support and hope to one another - their self reliance and resiliency are apparent. One couple in their late 70s weren't waiting for help. They immediately began fixing up their home so they would be able to help others.

If only Charlie Sheen could access that kind of courage to face up to his problems. Are you dealing with a family situation that requires you to step up to the plate and care for your grandkids? Here are some ideas for you:

Maintain a bond with the ex and extended family. By being civil and keeping the lines of communication open, your grandchildren will transition easier if they have to move from one home and family to the other. And it's impossible for them to have too many loving arms.

There will be a huge void to fill. You may be confused about your role now, so don't be afraid to see a family therapist. Perhaps you were a natural when your kids were little, but this is a unique situation. Learning new techniques from experts can make a big difference the second time around. Talking with someone outside the family about your concerns and frustrations can be a lifesaver.

Do what is necessary to maintain familiarity and continuity. By nurturing your grandkids and stabilizing their environment, they'll feel more secure. The support and structure you give them will minimize their feelings of anxiety and stress. Children are resilient – they'll thrive as you model positive thinking.

Charlie Sheen lost his kids and his job. And the bitter custody battle with his estranged wife is a heartbreaking tragedy for his children. His wild rants and erratic behavior on streaming webcasts are hard to watch and make you wonder what's coming next. Whether his problems stem from a deep hunger inside, a serious psychological issue or habitual drug use, he needs encouragement to examine his life.

Mental illness and substance abuse are major problems in our society today. Community resources are positioned to help out when our adult children, struggling with these problems, require inpatient treatment rehabilitation.

Through all these difficulties, our grandchildren need representation and someone to speak on their behalf. They deserve role models with strong ethical standards, integrity and character. Just as Charlie Sheen, hopefully, will take care of himself in preparation for return to his family, our children need our support as they get healthy enough to come home and raise our grandchildren.

Charlie Sheen's Impact on His Kids and Their Grandparents

Our hearts go out to the people in Japan, struggling with tsunami warnings and the aftershocks of a devastating earthquake. This humanitarian crisis is compounded by the race to contain meltdowns in their nuclear plants. It certainly puts Charlie Sheen's meltdown in perspective.

In the past, any media frenzy involving Charlie Sheen has been over the top. This time, his derailed thinking, and grandiose attitude – no matter whether it seems like he's in the middle of a self destructive hypomanic episode or a drug induced psychosis - are indeed cause for alarm.

The voyeuristic public loves a show and cuts some slack when it comes to celebrities and controversy. But don't you think we should draw the line when the best interests of children are at stake? And if parents are unable to care for their children, is it up to their own parents - often hard working, card carrying members of the Sandwich Generation - to step in?

An increasing number of boomer grandparents are assuming greater care-giving and financial responsibility for their grandchildren. Reports indicate that more than 3 million grandparents are raising twice as many grandchildren. This is particularly true in homes where the circumstances involve habitual substance abuse, chronic illness or a single parent. If you happen to be caught in the middle of a complex and painful crisis, here are ideas to help you take better care of your grandchildren, your children and yourself:

Grieve what you have lost. Perhaps it's the dreams you had for the future and your family, your children as you once knew them or the freedom to work less or retire at this time in your life.

Accept the changes in your family whatever they are. While it's important to show support, try not to excuse bad behavior. Validate the feelings of your adult children yet make them accountable and hold them responsible. Remember that your primary concern here is to attend to the immediate needs of your grandkids.

Log on Wednesday for more practical tips about how grandparents can step in and begin to care for their grandchildren when their own kids lose their way.

Honoring Grandparents

When Marian McQuade worked to institute a day of recognition in the United States for the wisdom of grandparents, she was thinking about how to honor the millions of senior citizens needing loving care. Eventually becoming a grandmother of 43 herself, Ms. McQuade achieved her dream of establishing Grandparents Day. The legal document creating the celebration states that the day be set aside "... to honor grandparents, to give grandparents an opportunity to show love for their children's children, and to help children become aware of strength, information, and guidance older people can offer."

National Grandparents Day has also been designated in Canada by their House of Commons as a day "…to acknowledge their importance to the structure of the family in the nurturing, upbringing and education of children."

If you missed celebrating Grandparents Day this Sunday, you can join with the United Kingdom where grandparents are honored on the first Sunday in October or even wait until March when tribute is paid to grandparents in France. Wherever you are, know that, as grandparents, every day you play an important role of the lives of your family. Enjoy their respect and appreciation - and your official Grandparents Day flower, the forget-me-not!

We know that sometimes grandparents can be caregivers as well. It is estimated by AARP that over 4 million children are being raised by their grandparents today. If you find yourself in this situation as the primary caregiver, click on the post title above for some suggestions about how to support your children and grandchildren.

Grandparents Day

Are you a grandparent? Do you still have a grandparent? Did you know that yesterday was Grandparents Day?

It's not a very well publicized holiday, but for the last 30 years it has been one in the United States, celebrated in September on the first Sunday after Labor Day. When it was first celebrated, there were 17 million grandparents in the country, now there are more than 70 million.

Creating a day to pay tribute to grandparents was the idea of Marian McQuade, who worked with senior citizens for many years. She wanted to honor lonely grandparents in nursing homes and focus attention on their needs. She hoped that by acknowledging these seniors, it would encourage their grandchildren to look at their heritage and seek wisdom from their grandparents.

McQuade, who died last year at the age of 91, worked for eight years to accomplish her goal. Her campaign to initiate Grandparents Day is still relevant today when other private citizens are seeking a way to make their voices heard. She started locally, in her Virginia community, then was able to get the support of her Senator and three years later her Governor made it a day of celebration in the state. In the meantime, drawing on publicity from the media, she worked to encourage a resolution in Congress to commemorate grandparents. Her efforts succeeded and we now have the opportunity, on a national level, to acknowledge the important role grandparents play in family life.

If you too have a goal that drives you, don't give up when you face obstacles and setbacks. It may be frustrating for you as a Sandwiched Boomer when your efforts don't succeed at first, but if you believe in the worth of your pursuit, hang in there and give it your best. The process may be long and complex yet you will find that you gain much from your journey.

And for some fresh ideas about how to forge and nourish a strong relationship with your own grandchildren, even when they live far away, click on the post title. You will be able to read our article, Create Meaningful Bonds with Your Grandchildren Across the Miles, on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com.

Michael Jackson: Protecting his Kids

Friends and family of Michael Jackson all agree that his children meant the world to him. And he went to great lengths to protect himself and his family from exposure to the media.



Perhaps you have a child in trouble and your grandchildren are in a delicate situation. Protect them from the comments of others as best you can. Whether the absent parent's behavior stemmed from a hunger inside, a serious emotional problem or habitual drug use, now you can shield the children from the impact. Focus on your relationship with them and build trust so that they'll feel more accepted, nurtured and confident.

It seems as if Jackson's family is trying to do what's best for the children. Since his death, Prince, Paris and "Blanket" have been seen playing with their cousins, on vacation with their teacher, preparing to go to school.

It's never easy for children in troubled families - and celebrity staus can complicate the situation. Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCentor.com and an article about how the parents of Britney Spears stepped in to take care of their grandsons.

Michael Jackson: Who's Your Daddy?

It's clear that Debbie Rowe is the biological mother of Michael Jackson's two older children but there's ongoing speculation about who's the father. Michael Lester, their godfather, told Matt Lauer on the Today Show that he donated sperm in 1996. Are the children hearing about this in the media and how may it affect them? You'd think their godfather would be less self serving and more concerned about their best interests.



If you're Sandwiched Boomers caught either in the middle of a soap opera, a complex crisis or a painful tragedy, here are some ideas to consider as you begin to take better care of your grandchildren and yourself:

Accept the changes in the family, whatever they are, even if you feel caught in the crossfire. Validate the children's feelings and withhold blame regarding their parents. While you show support, try not to take a particular side or excuse bad behavior. Remember that your primary concern here is to attend to the immediate needs of the children.

Do what you can to maintain structure and continuity. By stabilizing the children's environment with a familiar routine, they'll begin to feel less anxious and more secure. Children are resilient - as you model positive and hopeful thinking, they are bound to thrive.

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article about How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge.

Michael Jackson: What About the Kids?

Michael Jackson was finally laid to rest last Friday, close to two months after his untimely death. Despite speculation about the end of his life, one of his most important requests has been honored - to secure the future of his children, Prince, Paris and "Blanket." According to Jackson's will, his mother would raise them and, early on, the judge did grant her permanent custody. There have been questions about the role of Debbie Rowe, the biological mother of the older two children. Pundits and the public have been busy speculating about whether or not she'll retain parental rights and get to know them now.


Despite the superstar status of the Jackson family, there is something quintessentially human about them. Haven't most of us, as a result of a death or divorce, had a situation in our own family with complicated issues? Perhaps you can relate in some ways.

The numbers of boomer grandparents assuming care and financial responsibilities for grandchildren are increasing. Recent statistics show that more than 2.9 million grandparents are raising 4.5 million grandchildren. This is particularly true in families that involve a single parent, a habitual substance abuser or a member with chronic illness.

Log on all week as we offer practical tips about these valuable relationships. Enjoy Labor Day - and don't forget to click on the title of this post to read an article about creating meaningful bonds with your grandchildren.

Financial considerations often form the basis of adult children and parents moving back in together. Even with the potential costs of remodeling to accommodate the two families, maintaining one household rather than two generally creates considerable savings for everyone. As Rhea summed it up in her comment yesterday, there are positive outcomes from sharing housing with family - saving money, for one. "Necessity will force a lot of living situations that we might not initially choose but will save us from financial ruin. It pays to learn how to live well with others!"

The support generated on both sides can serve as the foundation for resolving past misunderstandings between parents and adult children. Understanding and forgiveness are easier to accomplish when different viewpoints are considered. And rather than taking each other for granted, family members can express their gratitude for one another.

An additional benefit of the multi-generational experience is the closer relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. Generations living together lead to a win-win situation for everyone here. A grandmother says, "It's been surprisingly wonderful. I'm getting a level of contact with my kids and grandkids that has been more rewarding than I could ever have dreamed." From the perspective of a busy mother, the reactions are more practical. "My husband and I are lucky because my mom helps take care of our kids while we are at work."

The close bonding allows the extended family to build rich memories to savor over the years. As the older generation continues to age, these times may be the impetus for planning their care by the new sandwiched generation, with the grandchildren pitching in to help.

With Thanksgiving just one week away, tomorrow we return to the topic of last week: gratitude. We will look at some reactions - internal and external - to saying "thank you."

As a member of the Sandwich Generation, you may be used to setting aside your own needs so you can deal with the challenges of children growing up and parents growing older. Taking care of grandchildren because your children can't, for whatever reasons, adds another layer to a sandwich that may already be difficult to digest.

Maintain a bond with your child's partner and extended family, even if, for the time being, you put these relationships on the back burner. By keeping the lines of communication open, your grandchildren will transition easier if they move from one home and family to the other. And a grandchild can't have too many loving arms.

There will be a huge void to fill and you may be confused about your role now. Don't be afraid to seek out a parenting coach or a family therapist. Although you likely were a natural when your kids were young, this is a unique situation. Learning skills and techniques from experts can make a big difference the second time around and talking with someone outside of the family about your worries and frustrations can be a lifesaver.

Do whatever is necessary to maintain familiarity and continuity in the lives of your grandchildren. By nurturing them and stabilizing their environment, they will begin to feel more secure. The structure in their lives and the support you give them will relieve their feelings of anxiety and stress. Children are resilient - as you model positive thinking and hope, they will thrive.

What do you think about celebrities and the media frenzy - especially the focus on B-list bad girls who put the best interests of their children at stake. If young parents act irresponsibly and are unable to care for their children, is it up to their own parents - often hard working, card carrying members of the Sandwich Generation - to step in?

An increasing number of boomer grandparents are assuming greater care-giving and financial responsibilities for their grandchildren. Recent statistics indicate that more than 2.9 million grandparents are raising 4.5 million grandchildren. This is particularly true in homes where the circumstances involve a single parent, a habitual substance abuse problem or chronic illness.

If you feel caught in the middle of a soap opera or a complex and painful crisis, stay tuned over the next few days - we'll be offering ideas to help you take better care of your grandchildren, your children and yourself:

It's important for you to grieve whatever it is you have lost – perhaps it's the freedom to retire or work less at this time of your life, the dreams you had for the future of your extended family, or your children as you once knew them.

Accept the changes in your family, whatever they are, even if you feel caught in the crossfire. Validate your child's feelings and withhold blame. While you can show support, try not to take a particular side or excuse bad behavior. Remember that your primary concern here is to attend to the immediate needs of your grandchildren.

Some Sandwiched Boomers have developed innovative means of connecting with their grandchildren, using talents they didn't even know they had. Let your own creative juices run wild as you reach out to them.

On a lark, Sara wrote a poem for her grandson on his first birthday. It reviewed the things she had done with him – watching his first smiles, seeing him sit up and eat in his high chair, having him crawl to her, holding his hand as he learned to walk. She found that she enjoyed the writing as it gave her an opportunity, during the process, to savor her pleasant memories. She began to write poems regularly, combining them on the page with pictures she had taken of them together. Her grandson looked forward to her new "grandma poems" and loved re-reading the old ones every time she came for a visit. His parents read the poems to him when Sara was back in her own home, keeping their attachment strong.

Making movies had been Alex's hobby ever since he was a teenager. He had taken pictures of his own children over the years but never really compiled them in any meaningful way. It was different when his twin grandsons were born. For their first birthday, he edited a video of the highlights of their growth that year, complete with music and clever titles. As they grew, they looked forward to getting their new videos and loved to watch them over an over again. Alex took great pleasure in making the videos, as he could watch his raw footage many times in order to pick the best shots and put them together. Creating the birthday videos was a win-win for both Alex and his grandsons.

Have you been taking digital pictures of your family? Could you make them into a book that your grandkids will enjoy looking at over and over again? Many sites on the Internet are available to help you create a lasting memento of your photographs.

Tomorrow, we welcome Irish author Orna Ross to our blog.

Sandwiched Boomer grandmothers find many ways to create special memories with their grandchildren - baking chocolate chip cookies together has been a traditional favorite. Here are some others that may become just as popular with you.

Susan had enjoyed music all her life and had a soft, gentle voice. When her first grandchild was born, she picked a simple song and sung it sweetly to her whenever they were together. When they were apart, she sang it over the phone. Soon her little granddaughter began to recognize it as "Nana's song." The song became a way for both of them to keep each other close through the distance.

Carol loved books. She had worked in a bookstore and was familiar with all of the children's classics. When her grandson was born, she picked one of her favorites and began to read it to him whenever she visited. She held him close and repeated the passages in her lilting voice. This special cuddle time became one of the most rewarding parts of her visits. Every year, on her grandson's birthday, she gave him another classic children's book with her inscription telling him why she had especially chosen it for him. Books grew to represent a deep bond between them.

A chemist by trade, Marti knew how materials combined to produce new substances. She was intrigued by the way foods did the same thing, and she was an innovative cook. As soon as her young granddaughter was able to hold a spoon, she helped her put the fruit into her cereal. When she was old enough, she began to cook with her whenever he came to visit. She taught her to measure the ingredients when they made oatmeal raisin cookies and to mix the batter when they made blueberry muffins. The kitchen became their special playground and they had the added bonus of eating their tasty handiwork. As she grew, their creations became more complex and they both looked forward to sharing new recipes as they cooked together on her visits.

Travelinoma commented to yesterday's blog, telling us about the connections with her own grandchildren: "I read this post and immediately emailed the eleven grandkids that live far away from me, suggesting we all think of each other looking at the same moon, and smiling. What a great idea! I posted tonight about some of my Oma ideas. I'm glad you're doing this, and will be interested to read your upcoming blogs."

As Sandwiched Boomers, tell us about what works for you as you find new ways to connect with your grandchildren.

Baby Boomers have jumped into the grandparent role in the same way that they engaged in other phases of their lives – with enthusiasm and active commitment. They have redefined what it means to be grandparents. But how can you in the Sandwich Generation form and maintain a connection with your young grandchildren when they live thousands of miles away and you see them only sporadically? Use the same sense of creativity that you have mastered in other areas of your life to build a relationship that grows through the years. In this way you can give them the time and attention they deserve - without feeling like you have now become a Club Sandwich with another added layer.

Allan talked about his six-year old grandson, Jake, and the joy he felt whenever they spoke on the phone. "He called me the other day and said, 'Papa, I just saw the moon! It looked like a smile turned on its side.' I could visualize the big smile on his face and that brought an even bigger one to mine. When Jake was just three and we were visiting him, I had shown him the full moon early one winter night. I had explained to him that, even though we lived very far away, we saw the same moon in our home that he saw in his. We decided that the moon would be 'our friend,' and ever since then we have shared this special connection."

Even if you are living far from your grandchildren, you too can bond in a profound way. The legacy that you pass on to your grandchildren will be much more than money or possessions. It will be the priceless gift of yourself. Let them know who you are. You will enjoy the precious time you spend together and they will cherish the relationship with you for a lifetime.

This week we'll be looking at tips from other Sandwiched Boomer grandparents who found a way to develop meaningful connections with their grandkids. See what worked for them and let your imagination run free as you decide what works for you. And please share with all of us the special ways you have used to maintain closeness with your grandchildren.

After we blogged last month about improving communications with your loved ones, we received a special email from one of our readers, Patrika Vaughn. She has created a tool that can lead to new ways of Sandwiched Boomers talking with family members - an audio book giving you a step-by-step guide to writing your own family history. She has found that writing about past events with your loved ones can give a new perspective on events that may have hardened attitudes between family members. If you would like to learn more about her CDs and tapes of "How to Write Your Own Life Story," log on to www.acappela.com/tape_audiobks.htm

Here's what Patrika tells us in the Sandwiched Generation about writing your family history and keeping it alive:

"Digging into your family's past and writing about the people and events you discover can be a fascinating endeavor. A family history also helps give a sense of belonging to children and grandchildren, a feeling of continuity between the generations.

I've also found in my family genealogy interesting people who act as a springboard for novels and non-fiction books. What began as simple compilation of information for future generations, became the spark for stories to share with others.

My research and writing began when my mother, at 91, asked me to take on the project of writing her memoirs. I'd heard some of the stories of her younger life, but had forgotten many and never knew about others. I soon learned she had nearly a century of living to relate, and I discovered I was learning the history of a remarkable woman."

Patrika found that she began to understand her family better as she learned more and more about them.

"When you begin to search your family history, you'll get to know your parents and grandparents in a different way. You'll see them, through their recollections and the memories of others, as they were while growing up, struggling to provide a living for a young family, and contributing to their community to make a better life for others.

My great grandmother was one of these. I discovered that she, wife of a judge and mother of seven, living in war-torn Hungary, elected to follow her first-born son to the United States — bring with her the rest of her children, which included my grandmother.

Until then, my great grandmother was merely a picture in a photo album; now she has become for me a courageous intriguing woman, a woman who could inspire others if her story were told."

Tomorrow, we will look at how Patrika's audio book helps you get started as you begin your family history.

A reader who is a grandmother posted her comments yesterday about filling some of her post-retirement hours by helping her work-from-home son care for his children. An increasing number of Boomer grandparents are assuming greater care-giving and financial responsibilities for their grandchildren. Research indicates that more than 2.9 million are raising 4.5 million grandchildren. This is particularly true in homes where there is a single parent, chronic illness, or both parents work.

There has also been media attention lately highlighting just the opposite - that is, grandchildren caring for their grandparents. Smaller families, more women working and aging parents living longer all impact this paradigm shift. There is the need to call on the third generation to help out and provide companionship as well as do chores such as the shopping and cleaning.

According to a Robert Wood Johnson Foundation study, 8% of informal caregivers are adult grandchildren. Some want to make the workload easier for their parents. Others like to reciprocate for the many ways in which their grandparents cared for them when they were younger. There are also hidden benefits - grandchildren find that they have skills they never knew about and they enjoy learning more about their grandparents' history as well as their own roots.

With the varied pressures on today's family, this reverse trend is likely to continue. Be a role model for your grandchildren and leave footprints that are worth following. See your relationship with them as an investment in the future. The opportunity to give suppport and comfort as you spend time together can be personally gratifying for everyone - now and later.

I recently returned from a three week trip to China and had the chance to talk to some women about their Sandwich Generation concerns. I was particularly aware of the strong movement away from an agrarian society toward rapid urban growth. Our local "boomer" guides were proud of incorporating Western values into their lifestyle - with more demanding work schedules, higher cost of living and increased stress levels.

There, grandparents are well respected and taken care of - many living in the home of one of their sons and his family. And they play an intregal role in the family structure, often caring for their young grandchildren whose parents are working very long hours.

Yet these elders also nurture themselves - in the early morning hours at any local park, you can find any number of activities very well attended: tai chi, ballroom dancing, exercises, drumming, mahjong, walking, Chinese checkers.

I wonder, should we be adopting some of the ways that the Chinese treat the aging process? Is there a lesson in all this for us?