Charlie Sheen's Impact on His Kids and Their Grandparents

Our hearts go out to the people in Japan, struggling with tsunami warnings and the aftershocks of a devastating earthquake. This humanitarian crisis is compounded by the race to contain meltdowns in their nuclear plants. It certainly puts Charlie Sheen's meltdown in perspective.

In the past, any media frenzy involving Charlie Sheen has been over the top. This time, his derailed thinking, and grandiose attitude – no matter whether it seems like he's in the middle of a self destructive hypomanic episode or a drug induced psychosis - are indeed cause for alarm.

The voyeuristic public loves a show and cuts some slack when it comes to celebrities and controversy. But don't you think we should draw the line when the best interests of children are at stake? And if parents are unable to care for their children, is it up to their own parents - often hard working, card carrying members of the Sandwich Generation - to step in?

An increasing number of boomer grandparents are assuming greater care-giving and financial responsibility for their grandchildren. Reports indicate that more than 3 million grandparents are raising twice as many grandchildren. This is particularly true in homes where the circumstances involve habitual substance abuse, chronic illness or a single parent. If you happen to be caught in the middle of a complex and painful crisis, here are ideas to help you take better care of your grandchildren, your children and yourself:

Grieve what you have lost. Perhaps it's the dreams you had for the future and your family, your children as you once knew them or the freedom to work less or retire at this time in your life.

Accept the changes in your family whatever they are. While it's important to show support, try not to excuse bad behavior. Validate the feelings of your adult children yet make them accountable and hold them responsible. Remember that your primary concern here is to attend to the immediate needs of your grandkids.

Log on Wednesday for more practical tips about how grandparents can step in and begin to care for their grandchildren when their own kids lose their way.

Are You a Tiger Mother or Western Mom?

With the publication of her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Amy Chau has unleashed a flurry of heated discussions about parenting styles. When an excerpt of Yale Law Professor Chua's book was printed in the Wall Street Journal, there were well over 5000 comments - more than any other article in the history of their website.

Chau insists that her book is a memoir, not a guide about child rearing. But by describing her strict Chinese mother rules for her two daughters, now teens - no playdates, no sleepovers, no TV, no school plays, no choice in extracurricular activities - she emphasizes the control she exacted as they were growing up. And Chau explains the rigid academic demands she set for her daughters - getting no grade less than an A, being the #1 student in every school subject, playing the piano or violin at an expert level, winning gold medals. She justifies this by stating that it will serve her children in good stead as "achieving academic excellence gives you self-esteem."

By comparison, Western parents may be seen as coddling, soft and weak. Chau notes that studies have shown Chinese parents spend about 10 times as long each day drilling their children in academic subjects. But many have noted that these behaviors may have adverse effects. Arguments about parenting styles do not happen in a vacuum: the suicide rates are above average for Asian-American girls aged 15 - 24.

The Wall Street Journal followed up with an article by author Ayelet Waldman offering the flip side of parenting, In Defense of the Guilty, Ambivalent, Preoccupied Western Mom. Waldman highlights the value of letting children find their own way as they learn from their failures as well as their successes.

As moms, we all try to do the best we can, knowing that each child requires something different from us and there is not one right way to parent all children. Given those caveats, where do you weigh in on this battle between "tiger mothers"and "western moms"? Let's hear what you think about these very different parenting styles.

Here are some questions to consider: How do you describe your own mothering style? What's worked for you and your children? How were you raised? What do you think about how your grown kids are parenting their children? Is it really a cultural difference between East and West or a difference in expectations? We'll consider these questions again next Wednesday as we take a second look at tiger mothers and western moms.

Be sure to join us this Wednesday as we host a virtual book tour with Dr. Gary Small, author, with his wife Gigi Vorgan, of The Naked Lady Who Stood on Her Head: A Psychiatrist's Stories of His Most Bizarre Cases. Dr. Small, director of the UCLA Memory and Aging Center and professor of psychiatry at UCLA's David Geffen School of Medicine will answer our questions and be open to yours as well.

Parents Refusing to Leave Campus

When you dropped your kids off at college, were you the one dragging your heels? This generation of parents has been described as clinging, especially when they refuse to leave the campus. In fact, a number of college administrators have introduced blunt language into orientation schedules, including a specific time to say goodbye. The message is clear: release your anxieties and your adult children to this adventure, and enjoy the ride yourself. The lesson, not taught in the traditional curriculum, is about letting go. Parenting expert, Michelle Borba, gives practical advice for parents of college bound kids.

Some colleges have developed parents-only workshops for those who are intensely involved in their child's academic career. Liaisons give explicit advice on how to minimize the pain of separation and hovering behaviors. 'Velcro' parents may be invited to a reception while the students meet their roommates and begin to settle in. Read more about this in the New York Times.

Does all this feel like a conspiracy to exclude you? After all, it's almost as big a transition for you as for your kids. But as you say goodbye to your adult kids, learn to say hello to yourself.

Recognize that you may feel ambivalent about this new chapter. Bond with friends as you discuss your situation with those who care about what you're going through. You'll discover that you have a lot in common and that they feel the same about their own experiences - this can be validating and comforting.

Log on Wednesday for practical ideas about how to put yourself front and center. Click here right now to get started today. On HerMentorCenter.com, you can read lots of articles about family relationships, sign up for our complimentary newsletter and download a free ebook about how to reach your goals.

Happy New Year

It's a common saying, but so true - time flies! Over the next few days, as you welcome the new year, will you be cleaning the slate or clearing your head in preparation for a fresh start in 2010? It's a time to assess the past year - what was good, what was hard and what you want to change. And as Sandwiched Boomers, relationships may be close to the top of your list.

As we all know, 2009 has been a difficult year. The financial crisis created losses on many levels - jobs, comfort, security, income, dreams. But there were many gifts as well, as families banded together and made important decisions about how to move forward despite the odds.
This will be our last blog post of 2009, and we want to thank you for joining us on this journey - we are grateful for your commitment. As you prepare to usher in the new year, take a moment to think about what you need from us as you face the challenges of a family in flux. Whether you've been a quiet observer or more actively involved, we want you to know that this blog is for you. Click on the title above for an article about how to think positive in tough times. And spend some time reading other articles at HerMentorCenter.com that may be of interest. Our best to you in 2010!

Take off your Mask and Take Care of You

Are you a Sandwiched Boomer facing the challenges of parents growing older and children growing up? If so, you're probably changing your mask throughout your busy day - and if not that, certainly your attitude and facial expression. But you can harmonize your feelings with the face you show the world.

Bring congruency into your life. Notice that when you feel one way and act another, you're out of sorts. Work on synchronicity – that is, making what you feel match what you do. Integrate your core values and personal ideals into how you view the world – and live them.

It can be difficult to maintain a sense of optimism when circumstances are emotionally painful. But there are psychological pitfalls when you present a false self and mask your true identity. If your negative feelings stem from a void inside, examine what is missing in your life. It takes a lot of courage to exorcise you demons and the road to healing is long and hard. But you can hold yourself to a higher standard. Take off your mask and commit to feeling more positive about yourself.

How do you spend your free time away from all your responsibilities? A massage or facial may seem too extravagant in this tough economy. But taking a walk in the park or a hike in the hills with a friend can be a real energy booster - give it a try! And click on the title of this post for some tips on how to take better care of yourself.

The Empty Nest: A Chance to Reinvent Yourself

One reader sums it up: "I am a full believer that the better way to avoid the problems of empty nest is balance. Your entire life cannot be the kids. Throughout the child rearing days a portion of your time and mind should go to continuing to build the relationship with your spouse. Another important portion of your time and mind should go to nurturing yourself. Doing what you love to do. When the kids are gone you have more time to dedicate to both of these. There is always a sense of loss, but there is something there to fill the void."

Practice letting go. Try to visualize one door closing and another door opening. Relax into feeling more calm and carefree. Let yourself get excited by the possibility of exploring what you want to do with the free time that is now available to you.

Decide to write regularly in a journal. Think about what's happening in your life right now and you'll see that there's no right or wrong way to feel. Accept that you, too, are on a more independent path now. By identifying and dealing with what is going on for you emotionally, you'll learn to take greater control over this process of change.
Recognize that you now have full license to put energy into reinventing yourself. The lid has been lifted off the box – embrace new options that you may not have imagined possible. Continue to move away from center stage regarding your kids and move toward your own deferred plans and goals. It's the best time to enjoy the chance to fulfill your dreams.

Some think that putting yourself first is selfish, no matter what the stage of life. But that's not what the experts say. So click on the title of this post for tips on what we call self-fullness. And keep us posted on your progress!

Tips for Adjusting to the Empty Nest

"My only child is in her first year of college and, even though I've always worked and she's been 'on her own' for years now, I really miss her. I can hardly wait for parents' weekend." This is a commment from one of our readers who read yesterday's post about the empty nest.

Do you associate the empty nest primarily with children leaving for college? For some parents, the greatest feelings of loss occur when their adult children get married. The changes during this transition can be dramatic and traumatic as the young couple moves on to create their own independent family unit.

Prepare for a greater sense of separation. As you find your adult children distancing more over time, realize that this is natural and normal. They have their own lives now and so do you. The details and activities you share may be less frequent but can be just as meaningful.

Understand that you are still needed, although not in the same way. Letting go of your parenting responsibilities means letting go of the particular family roles you've played so far. Breathe deeply and appreciate this opportunity to create different relationships within your family.

Learn more abut adjusting to these changes by clicking on the title of this post. That will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article about how to Play your New Role as Mother-in-law.

Senator Ted Kennedy: Patriarch of the Family

Senator Ted Kennedy was the patriarch of his family, including his brothers' children and grandchildren. During the memorial, at the funeral eulogies and just speaking informally, family members - young and older - spoke of the impact he had on their lives.

Kennedy was a great listener, supportive and a positive force. He shared what he knew about sailing, history and politics. He took the time to remember birthdays and special events. Most of all, he taught his family that anything is possible and to never give up. Who has encouraged you to build on your inner strengths? To set new goals? To keep a positive attitude?



Difficult times can offer opportunities for needed change. Discover the many ways you can continue to build on your internal assets. Are you fiercely curious and determined to find a solution, no matter what? How can your strength of character and generosity of spirit benefit you in these circumstances?

Set some long-range goals about what you want to accomplish as well as short-term objectives that will get you there. These concrete plans will provide the basic foundation for change. As you successfully move forward step by step, your self-confidence will grow. And incremental action, as well as a positive attitude, will motivate you to stay on track and ultimately reach your goals.

The Kennedy family often reconnected at the family home in Hyannisport and boating was always on the agenda. How does your family unwind and what do you like to do together? Click on the title above for some practical suggestions.

Tips for Building Good In-Law Relationships

All week we have been talking about the challenges and joys of becoming a mother-in-law. If you feel your only choices are to keep your mouth shut or walk on eggshells when you are around your married offspring and their partners, think again. Our tips about improving the relationships with your children-in-law can also help cement good feelings with your adult children.

Here are some brief suggestions that we discuss in more detail on our website. Click on the title above to take you to HerMentorCenter.com where you can read more.

Be patient and give the relationship time to grow.

Give up your expectations about how "the kids" should relate to you.

Recognize and accept that your married children and their partners have the right to a different perspective.

Respect, and don't over-step, the boundaries as the new couple sets their own ground rules.

Get to know your children-in-law better. Work to form a personal connection with each of them.

Don't initiate competition by supporting your offspring over your son- or daughter-in-law.

Help out when you can, but ask first.

Choose your battles. You don't have to fight over every issue.

Share your frustrations with your friends and your love with your children

Create new outlets for yourself. See this time in life as a chance to develop.

Respectful Mothers-in-Law Create Meaningful Bonds

Reading through some of the comments we've gotten from you, our readers, we are again struck by the wisdom and sensitivity of women. The theme of R-E-S-P-E-C-T, as Aretha Franklin put it, dominates the way successful mothers-in-law relate to their offspring and their partners. When we consider the relationship from the eyes of our children and look at the challenges they face, we can focus on how they are maturing rather than on how we are coping with their development. Their growth can give us a sense of pride and satisfaction when we view them as the fellow adults they have become.

As one MIL put it, "Becoming a new mother-in-law last August, I would say that there are subtle changes in a mother's relationship with her child as well as that child's new spouse. Basically, the focus for them becomes their relationship with each other, and this changes the relationships with their families of origin. As parents, we must recognize this fact and respect their new challenges and priorities. It may be painful in ways to release a primary relationship with one's child -- almost like 'empty nest' again -- but I don't believe being married lessens their love, just their priorities."

Thinking back to the time you were a bride and daughter-in-law yourself can remind you about the needs of the new couple and provide some ideas about how to move forward in transforming your relationship. A MIL continues, "I know I will miss my time alone with my child, but I can also make occasional efforts to arrange some special time, knowing that possibly my child would also occasionally appreciate some private time with me. I often reflect on how I felt in relation to my parents after getting married -- and this gives me new insights into how my getting married affected them! It boils down to experiences and emotions every generation shares."

Another MIL, who was coping with the resistance of one of her children to accept the same-sex partner of another, received these words of support from a reader: "I know the other son will come around. We have friends with a gay son whose oldest son was quite discriminating at first and who now loves and understands his younger brother. I am learning that change takes time and patience."

This MIL also focused on some of the positives that come from having a good relationship with children-in-law, noting: "I have to say that my daughter's partner has allowed and even encouraged our daughter to see her parents in a new light. Our new daughter-in-law loves and appreciates who we are and this has given our daughter a new love for the people who raised her."

So, son-in-law or daughter-in-law, same-sex or opposite sex partner, the issues are often the same. And the solutions too - respect, patience, acceptance, and most of all, love.

Please continue to send in your stories and comments so we can share them with other MILs out there!

Marital Harmony despite Financial Woes

Financial events shape how people act – the great depression, beginning in 1929, affected entire generations as they adapted to the change in their way of life. If the predictions come true and this is a slow economic recovery, everyone will have to adjust their mental attitudes and create new behaviors around spending. Yet there are hidden gifts in these shifts – by nesting more, you have less stress, the chance to bond with family, more time with your partner.

As much as you want to help your children and parents, don’t take your eye off the ball. If you're in the Sandwich Generation, you may be balancing college tuition, elder care housing and your own financial responsibilities. Continue to focus on your health, finances and retirement savings. Doing so will ensure that you have the wherewithal to be an active participant in your children and parents’ lives while still saving for your own long-term needs. And the more your family does for themselves, the better they will feel about maintaining their independence.

Click on the title of this post and read an article on HerMentorCenter about how to Avoid Infidelity: Tips to Keep Couples Faithful.

These are tough times but you can draw on the strength of your relationships to get through. As banks are having a difficult time lending money, this is your chance to make an investment in your marriage - it can turn into a welcome source of security and comfort. And can you think of a better time than now?

As a longstanding member of the Sandwich Generation, are you tired of preparing the Thanksgiving dinner and ready to pass the baton to the next generation? What follows are some tips that will help you create new holiday rituals:

Make this Thanksgiving a rite of passage. If you want to be a guest instead of the hostess, tell your family how you feel. Whether you're edging your kidults out of the nest or taking a well deserved break, begin to shift the responsibility of family get-togethers to the next generation.

Pass on the family legacy. Let your adult children know how much you value keeping the family close. Ask for what you want and be willing to help out. Teach by example as they watch how you lovingly take care of your own aging parents.

Encourage your children to preserve the old family traditions. Give them your support while they begin to create some new customs of their own. And remember to express your appreciation for all they do.

Whether your emerging adult children decide to create new wave recipes or cook the meal in the microwave, it's now out of your control. Sit back and relax - all you have to do is pass the cranberries.

Today is Independence Day and, as we finish up our series on grandparenting, remember to respect the independence of your adult children who are parents themselves.

You have spent years raising your sons and daughters and now allow them to raise their own children. A lot has changed since you began to parent – new theories of child-rearing, new equipment, new techniques. Don’t assume that, just because you did things in a certain way, it's the best. Your relationship with your children will change as you begin to see their capabilities in a different light. When you hold back, you will notice how naturally and competently they love and care for your grandchildren.

In valuing your children’s parenting style, you will realize that the benefits can be immeasurable. Mark said he was happy that, "By taking our cues about the grandkids from our daughter-in-law, we've earned her confidence and trust. We've been given our stripes and the reward, an on-going relationship with our grandchildren, benefits everyone." Herein lays a second chance to make a difference. And a fringe benefit to consider is seeing these relationships as an investment in the future – your grandkids may eventually be taking care of you.

Whether you're celebrating with family or friends, or enjoying a quiet and relaxing day, happy 4th of July!

Yesterday Cari commented on the process that slowly evolved after her grandduaghter was born - and that's an important point. As you very well may know, if you jump in too quickly without assessing a situation, you're more likely to get into trouble.

As a club sandwich boomer with a first grandchild, try not to offer advice unless asked. You don’t have to say whatever comes to mind. If your suggestions are requested, present them in an open-ended way so that your adult children are free to accept or reject. Remember how you felt when your mother or mother-in-law shared their opinions about how to raise your children?

Talk about the challenges. Don’t be afraid to communicate with your children in a non-confrontational way. You will all be more comfortable and appreciative of your relationship if you don't let issues fester. However, don’t expect that the results of your talk will follow a pre-determined path. Often the fact that there is conversation is more important than the outcome of any one particular discussion.

Be aware of your feelings. You may be ambivalent about babysitting often when it begins to impact the pursuit of your personal interests. Choose a balance between your own needs and the responsibilities of your grand-parenting role. It's necessary to set the kind of limits that work for you.

Today, we're pleased to welcome Alison Bottke, author of "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing."

In Allison's words, "You are helping to spread the word about a topic that desperately needs to be addressed. Our country is in a crisis of epidemic proportion concerning adult children whose lives are spinning out of control, leaving parents and grandparents broken-hearted and confused.

The book comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.

ALLISON: For years I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn’t want him to hurt—but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life—I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.

How can we determine whether we are helping versus enabling our children?

ALLISON: Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.

Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.

An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.

What are some of the most common ways that parents enable their children?

ALLISON: Being the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Bank of Grandma and Grandpa. Loaning money that is never repaid, buying things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Continually coming to their rescue so they don’t feel the pain—the consequences—of their actions and choices. Accepting excuses that we know are excuses—and in some instances are downright lies. Blaming ourselves for their problems. We have given too much and expected too little.

What are some things that parents can do to break the cycle of enabling?

ALLISON: Follow the six steps to S.A.N.I.T.Y.: Stop blaming yourself and stop the flow of money. Stop continually rescuing your adult children from one mess after another. Assemble a support group of other parents in the same situation. Nip excuses in the bud. Implement rules and boundaries. Trust your instincts. Yield everything to God, because you’re not in control. These six things can start a parent on the road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. in an insane situation that is spinning out of control. However, a key issue in breaking the cycle of enabling is to understand whose problem it really is.

What is the ultimate goal of Setting Boundaries?

ALLISON: While recognizing and identifying enabling issues must come before positive change can be made, it is the eventual peace and healing parents will feel as they gain power in their own lives that is the goal of this book. It’s a tough love book for coping with dysfunctional adult children, as well as getting our own lives back on track, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children empowers families by offering hope and healing through six S.A.N.I.T.Y. steps. I walk parents through a six step program to regaining control in their home, and in their life.

Tell us about the S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support Group Network you founded. How can people get involved?

ALLISON: The “A” step in S.A.N.I.T.Y. is to ASSEMBLE a support group. This is a vital component in being able to look at our situations more objectively. We have developed a powerful Companion Study Guide that can be read individually or in a group setting. This Companion Study Guide contains all the information you need to conduct a S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support group in your neighborhood or community. Visit our web site here to find out more: http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm.

The S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support Group Network is a powerful resource to help parents and grandparents who have challenging adult children gain S.A.N.I.T.Y. in a world spinning out of control. During the years I spent as an enabling parent there were no support groups available for me as a parent in pain. Although it’s a tremendously successful program, AA wasn’t quite right for me, and I attended a few Alanon meetings, but the kind of empowering strength I needed for my situation wasn’t available. I needed to hear from others who had walked in my shoes—I needed to hear what they were doing that worked. I needed people around me who would lovingly hold me accountable to my own choices as I experienced the journey of parenting and enabling a dysfunctional adult child. I needed an action plan to help me make changes in my life.

So many families suffer this pain and we appreciate Allison shedding light in such a personal way. Now readers, please ask your questions and share your thoughts by clicking on "comments."