Powerful Men Who Cheat on their Wives

The media spotlight this past week has been on Arnold Schwarzenegger, the former Governor of California, who fathered a son with a long time member of his household staff. He has a reputation for behaving badly and, in the past, there have been allegations of him groping and harassing women. And this time there are two betrayals, infidelity and deception. Married to Maria Shriver for 25 years, with 4 kids, Arnold has created a heartbreaking tragedy for his family.

Personal pain on display for all to see has played out time and time again in the political arena. It's been said repeatedly that high profile men have a predisposition for risk-taking, love a challenge, thrill or conquest and can be reckless. Whether these characteristics are a part of their DNA or the result of early learning, power is accompanied by opportunity and confidence. A study to be published in 'Psychological Science' reports that the higher men were in a business hierarchy, the more likely they were to consider or commit adultery. Just like narcissists, as many of them very well may be, these men believe that ordinary rules don't apply to them.

Haven't you heard the disclaimers by men in power who live in their own world of privilege and entitlement? Or mea culpas such as, 'I failed to live up to the standards I set for myself.' Power seems to erode the social restraints for some men. Whether or not their admiring follower and office staff are chasing after them, these men think they're above the law. Theirs is an abuse of power and betrayal of trust. Whatever happened to family values?

Our ethical standards become engrained by the role models who influence our lives. In a democracy, we elect politicians to represent us and our values. It's a privilege to serve and those in leadership positions should be held to a higher standard. Henry Kissinger, an acknowledged statesman of our times, once said, "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." This may be true. And, if so, what does that say about the integrity and morality of our leaders?

Click on 'Comments' below and let us know your thoughts about men in power abusing their trusted positions. And log on tomorrow when we'll discuss whether the betrayed wife should stand by her man or, like Maria Shriver, hire a divorce lawyer.

Your Thoughts About Divorce

Visitors to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, know that we offer a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones. It's easy to subscribe - click on this post title to take you to the "Free Newsletter" section of our website where you can enter your email address. Earlier this week we sent out this month's Stepping Stones newsletter. The August issue, #69, highlights some steps you can take to avoid a slide toward divorce. If you didn't receive it, let us know and we'll email one to you.

We focused this issue of Stepping Stones on divorce since we have heard from so many women who are dealing with separation and divorce. Here's just a sampling of their concerns:

"I'm about to venture into a divorce and I'm very scared of the idea of being alone and maybe starting over again. I'm going to a therapist to talk out my feelings."

"My husband left me after 17 years of marriage, alone, confused and afflicted with herpes type 1 for almost 20 years, which I contracted from him. I'm trying not to think too much or too hard, keeping myself busy at work and home so I don't have time to dwell on my separation, grateful for family and good friends who care and a job I truly love doing but still missing him every day." 



"After 18 yrs of marriage that is ending due to infidelity, I am concerned for my future relationships and my children's future relationships."

"After 26 years of marriage, my husband requested a separation. Shortly after this I was laid off from my job of 18 years. (I am 60 years old). It has been two years and I have not been able to find another position and my divorce case has become very difficult and very expensive. In addition I have to travel a long distance for the court appearances. My belongings are still in the house also. I am living with my elderly mother. Divorce has never taken place in my family before and does not take place in the community where I live very often. I really have no one to talk to. It is my faith that carries me through."

"I'm a survivor of marital abuse and have now found myself in divorce. This year I start the process. I'm concerned about staying strong emotionally."

"I caught my cheating husband and now need to move on with the separation. I'm trying to cope by being positive, but still find it difficult to move past the hurt by my husband."

Do you have any thoughts you want to share about divorce - or any other issue? Let us hear from you. It's easy to express yourself: go to "Comments" below and leave a note or just email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. We're waiting to hear from you!

Marital Harmony despite Financial Woes

Financial events shape how people act – the great depression, beginning in 1929, affected entire generations as they adapted to the change in their way of life. If the predictions come true and this is a slow economic recovery, everyone will have to adjust their mental attitudes and create new behaviors around spending. Yet there are hidden gifts in these shifts – by nesting more, you have less stress, the chance to bond with family, more time with your partner.

As much as you want to help your children and parents, don’t take your eye off the ball. If you're in the Sandwich Generation, you may be balancing college tuition, elder care housing and your own financial responsibilities. Continue to focus on your health, finances and retirement savings. Doing so will ensure that you have the wherewithal to be an active participant in your children and parents’ lives while still saving for your own long-term needs. And the more your family does for themselves, the better they will feel about maintaining their independence.

Click on the title of this post and read an article on HerMentorCenter about how to Avoid Infidelity: Tips to Keep Couples Faithful.

These are tough times but you can draw on the strength of your relationships to get through. As banks are having a difficult time lending money, this is your chance to make an investment in your marriage - it can turn into a welcome source of security and comfort. And can you think of a better time than now?

Even in the holiday season, the news media thrive on streaming information - and gossip - about the exploits of high visibility couples. The general public has been well informed about the on-going splits of Hollywood couples, the infidelity of John Edwards, the visits to call girls by Eliot Spitzer. Polls report that approximately one-third of marriages have experienced an affair by one of the partners. How then do the other two-thirds resist the temptation to stray? As Paul Newman, married over 50 years to Joanne Woodward before he died, explained it, "I have steak at home, why go out for hamburger?"

Recent research has identified some functions of the brain that make it easier to remain monogamous, particularly for women. When placed in a situation where an outside flirtation is possible, a subconscious alarm is set off and women react by not paying attention to the appealing threat. Instead, they express more commitment to their relationship. Men's brains do not automatically protect their relationships in the same way but can be trained to do so by visualizing and planning how to avoid the enticement. Additional studies have shown that when strong love is at the forefront, it is harder for the brain to pay attention to, perceive and recall the appeal of an attractive outsider.

Are you ready to learn how to keep the romance alive in your relationship and keep you and your partner from straying? With physiology and love on your side, tune in this week for tips to make it easier for you and other Sandwiched Boomers to stay faithful.

The media spotlight today is on Eliot Spitzer, the Govenor of New York, and his link to the Emperor's Club VIP prostitution ring. Whether his damaging behavior is related to a sense of entitlement, the dark side of his virtuous attitude, high testosterone or feeling he's above the law, seeing the pained look on Silda Spitzer's face and knowing that he has 3 teenage daughters makes you wonder.

His is a classic and most dramatic example of the disruption of equilibrium that can occur in long-term relationships. Reading the examples below, do you recognize any of these changes in your own marriage? Look carefully at the emotions that surface when you step into new roles and give up the ones that have defined you in the past.

If either of you has made bad choices, like deciding independently about joint finances or being unfaithful, the emotional damage can endanger the future of the relationship. When trust is broken, there is a buildup of frustration, anger, or disappointment, even despair as you make efforts to adapt to the new reality.

Time itself can erode your marriage if quality time together has been put on hold while raising your family. Now, without the buffer of children, it may be apparent how much you've changed and how far apart you’ve grown. Could you instead begin to anticipate getting to know each other again and creating an improved future together?

Are you experiencing angst about your relationship or actively searching for some deeper meaning in your life situation? As you redefine your self and partnership, it can lead to your gradually feeling more powerful. By becoming at ease with who you are, you will go from being afraid of your future to feeling excited about what’s ahead.