The Reindeer Keeper

Today we are happy to welcome Barbara Briggs Ward to Nourishing Relationships for a virtual book tour. She's written a lovely book, The Reindeer Keeper: Believe Again, arriving just in time for the holidays. Barbara has a long history as the author/illustrator of children's books, especially the Snarly Sally series, and The Reindeer Keeper is her first work of fiction for adults.

NR: Welcome, Barbara. We're sure our readers would like to know more about you. For instance, what influenced you to become a writer?

Barbara: Growing up in the country provided me the biggest influence on the rest of my life for it offered me a constant backdrop to explore - and the more I played and explored, the greater my imagination grew. There were 4 houses in a row - all filled with relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, dogs and cats. My cousins and I had fields and pastures, creeks and old barns in which to play. But it was in a chicken coop converted into a clubhouse and filled with the desks/books/chalkboards of an abandoned one-room schoolhouse where we spent the majority of our time. If you go to www.thereindeerkeeper.com you can follow my blog, which chronicles those times growing up in the country.

NR: When did you start writing?

Barbara: I started writing when I'd spend hours playing in my chicken coop. There was something about that old place that intrigued me. Having my favorite books around me added to the wonder. After receiving a handmade pine desk as a Christmas gift from my grandfather, I knew I wanted to be a writer - but I don't think I understood what that meant. I kept cutting paper into little pieces and folding them to make little books. I kept scribbling and drawing with my crayons. I kept scribbling as I grew up. It was just something I did. After my first child was born, scribbles turned into endless storylines. I was hooked. Intrigue turned into passion. I had to write. I started writing because I couldn't stop.

NR: What was your inspiration for The Reindeer Keeper?

Barbara: Because my father was a funeral director, I was keenly aware of how beautiful the gift of another day really is. It offers us another chance. Obituaries always fascinate me, for they chronicle what individuals did during their time on earth. The thought of knowing when we began and not having control of the end date inspires me to make a difference; to take each day and live it to the fullest while along the way appreciate the little things.

The specific inspiration for The Reindeer Keeper was a snowfall on Christmas Eve. Watching those big, beautiful flakes float by the window with Christmas lights muted in the distance filled me with an urge to write a story of the season for adults - entwining that wonder of Santa Claus we all once felt with the real life we face each day. Besides having my grandfather's barn in my thoughts, that's all I knew when I sat down to write the story but as words came out, the characters took over.

NR: The Reindeer Keeper deals with relationships on so many levels. Your main character, Abbey, struggles with her own feelings of resentment towards her mother, which are so strong that her immediate family avoids the subject of her mother in any form. From where did you draw such conflict of emotions between a mother and a daughter?

Barbara: Much of what I wrote about this complicated relationship comes from my own experience with my mother. I believe even when no such conflict exists between the two it is a challenging relationship especially as the daughter grows and spreads her wings, forging her own path and in doing so, reflecting back on how her mother handled her own path and decisions she made along the way. I now find my own daughters doing the same.

With my mother it was a build up of resentment that only widened as the years went by. I was lucky though, for in the last 6 months of her life, being the only sibling living nearby I was "forced" to deal with her. Looking back, those 6 months were a gift for slowly the walls crumbled and slowly we began to talk and slowly I learned that underneath all the anger and hate I loved her more than I could have ever imagined. I'd sit at the end of her bed and listen and she would do the same. We'd laugh. We'd cry and from that period of time I discovered how unfair it is to judge others when in fact we are not walking in their shoes. When my mother passed away I felt at peace with her. I miss her more than I ever thought possible.

NR: In the book the relationship between the two main characters - Abbey and Steve - is that of a strong, solid marriage; rather refreshing in this day and age. How were they able to do this, considering all they had to deal with?

Barbara: In The Reindeer Keeper Abbey and Steve do have a good marriage but it is also revealed how they have been able to stay so happily together over their 30 years of marriage while confronting all the difficulties life has thrown at them. They communicate. They give and take. They understand each other; their strengths, weaknesses, body language. They enjoy each other's company; laugh and cry together. Of course they've had their bumps in the road but bottom line, their love has only deepened from when they first met in the '60s. And as they face their greatest challenge it is that strength between the two of them that carries them through the darkness.

NR: How do you use language to differentiate characters and settings?

Barbara: I use language to help describe a character, to set the tone and emphasis in describing settings. In The Reindeer Keeper there is an odd little man whose use of language is short and abrupt but as you read along and learn more about this character, that all makes sense. A reader can feel close to a character by learning a character's language. This adds to that feeling of getting into the book itself.

NR: What's your favorite book? Favorite word?

Barbara: I don't have a favorite book. I have two favorite authors, both rooted in my childhood and that chicken coop. It was inside that coop where I read all the Laura Ingalls Wilder and Lousia May Alcott books. And if I wasn't reading I was folding those pieces of paper and writing books.

My favorite word is morning for it offers hope and a new beginning - a gift of another day. Watching the world wake up yet again is empowering; seeing the sky turn from black to hints of daylight is inspiring.

NR: Barbara, thank you for inspiring us today with your candid answers. Readers, now it's your chance to continue the discussion about The Reindeer Keeper with Barbara by asking your own questions through the "Comment" link below.

Surviving Breast Cancer

As you recognize from all the pink ribbons around, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. Yet soon the month will be over and done - just as breast cancer can be diagnosed and treated. Between 2 and 3 million American women today have survived this health challenge and are living cancer-free. But thriving after any serious illness is complicated and sometimes feels like an uphill struggle.

Today's coping tips can help you support yourself - emotionally and physically - along the difficult course of dealing with breast cancer and its treatments. As women move through this process, many find that staying informed and involved at each step gives them a sense of power and resiliency. The National Cancer Institute, a part of NIH, has a wide range of materials to make this job easier. Here are some more tips from us to help you take charge of your life.

Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself - you deserve it! Follow the guidelines of the American Cancer Society and set aside time for you. Begin an exercise program that includes aerobics, flexibility and strengthening exercises. Enjoy eating a more healthful diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Schedule relaxation time to decrease the stresses in your life. Learn visualization techniques. Think about what you really like to do and do it. Of course this is easier to say than it may be to do, but stick with your decision to make time for yourself. You can make it happen.

Redirect yourself toward active goal setting. When a serious illness strikes, you may feel like your life is completely out of control. To regain a sense of direction, reflect on what priorities are important to you and then set a goal within your reach. Identify your strengths and build on them as you plan how to achieve your objectives. Journaling may be helpful as you consider strategies and options. Initiate your plan in small steps and review your progress regularly.

Make something positive come out of the situation. Women who are able to find some positive meaning in such a negative situation often experience growth as well as a greater sense of control and feelings of confidence and optimism. Think about how you can use the unique perspective you have gained to make the rest of your life richer and more meaningful. Nancy G. Brinker supported her sister Susan in her unsuccessful fight against breast cancer and later founded Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It has become the world's largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists and the largest source of nonprofit funds dedicated to winning the fight Susan ultimately lost.

Take credit for the challenge you have faced and the changes you are making. Recognize and accept that you have faced many difficulties in your process of healing. Give yourself credit for the hard work you have completed to get to this point in your recovery. You have learned about yourself and made changes in the way you think, feel, act and react to yourself, others and the situation around you.

You can read one woman's story about her experiences with breast cancer on our website in an early newsletter. Feel free to browse around and read other archived newsletters that interest you. Then sign up to receive your own copy of our free monthly newsletter in its new format, Stepping Stones, emailed directly to you. When you do, you'll receive a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Worldwide, every year over 1 million women are diagnosed with breast cancer. Other than skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common one facing American women today. The likelihood is that 1 in 8 women in America will cope with this disease during her lifetime. In October, designated as National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, women are especially focused on early detection and improving the management of breast cancer, should it be diagnosed.

With mammography, MRI and physical exams leading to early detection, most breast cancers can be successfully treated today. The specific treatment can be worked out between you and your physicians, taking into account the tumor details. This year, an online word of mouth campaign, Until Every Woman Knows, has been started to raise awareness of a test that can help guide these treatment decisions.

With improved therapies, there are between 2 and 3 million American women living today who have survived breast cancer. As breast cancer survivors have learned, coping with any serious illness can take a toll on you - emotionally as well as physically. Here are some tips to help manage your recovery so that you can move forward with your life.

Accept your changing emotions as normal and give yourself permission to express them. After a brush with cancer, it is normal to feel many different emotions such as anger, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, stress or loss of control. It's OK to express these to people you trust and acknowledge them to yourself. Only then can you begin to cope with them. For some ideas about how to develop better communication with a loved one when a serious illness like cancer intrudes, see an article on our website, Boomer Couples: Deepening Your Conversations about Serious Illness.

Recognize the changes in your body. You may feel that your body has betrayed you, leaving you feeling vulnerable and with a loss of innocence about your own invincibility. You will need to grieve this loss. In addition, you may be experiencing side effects of the treatment such as fatigue, stiffness, lymphedema, weight gain, as well as menopausal symptoms. Once you clarify for yourself how your body is reacting, you can address each of the symptoms in your efforts to alleviate them.

Draw upon others for support. Your family and friends can provide a network of comfort, encouragement and assistance. You may also want to join a breast cancer support group, either in person or on-line. Support is helpful in several ways - it gives you someone to listen to you when you need to express yourself, someone to give you information and feedback, someone to help you with practical matters such as an errand that needs to be done. Support will be there for you if you look for it. It may feel awkward at first to ask for help, but you'll find friends want to do what they can for you.

You'll find more about the value of support on our website, Her Mentor Center.

So don't let anything get in the way of becoming aware of breast cancer and taking care of yourself if you need to deal with it. Join us again on Wednesday when we'll be offering more advice about living with a diagnosis of breast cancer. And for inspirational stories and tips about coping with significant stress, sign up for our newsletter, Stepping Stones, and receive a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Learning How to Listen Like Your Favorite Pet

When your partner speaks, do you think you're as good a listener as the family dog or cat? Lets take a look at what pets may bring to the table with good listening skills and emulate their behavior:

1. Look directly at your partner and pay attention - don't let your mind wander off topic or to your potential response. Make the person who is speaking the most important one in the universe at that moment.

2. Allow your partner to complete his or her thoughts. When it is appropriate, use active listening to indicate that you understand what they are saying. Don't interrupt or offer your opinion unless you are asked.

3. Tune in to the emotional undercurrent coming from the speaker and let him or her know that you empathize and provide unconditional support. Staying physically close allows you to "touch" your partner virtually as well as in reality.

4. Allow your partner the freedom and time to find his or her own solution. By demonstrating this trust in your partner's abilities, you can be supportive but not directive.

5. Recognize your partner's perspective. For men whose first reaction may be to solve a problem described to them, remember that many women are seeking not solutions but to have their concerns heard. They want to have their feelings validated by those closest to them. Women are generally attuned to talking about what is bothering them and are more likely to feel loved and cherished when the men in their life connect with them in this way.

On the other hand, men's conversations often revolve around how to fix things, solve a problem, accomplish a goal - that is, when they're not about the score of the latest, or a classic old, game. For some, the focus may be about winning, being the best, outperforming the others in a competition, being at the top of the food chain - it's almost as it their confidence and self-worth depend on it.

Would you like to learn about how some prominent men and women - including Ted Kennedy, Tim Russert, Susan Boyle, and Sully Sullenberger - touched others and coped with challenges in their lives? Click on the link to the left where you can sign up for our monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and receive a complimentary copy of the ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned, which showcases tips and strategies to use in your own life, especially if you're a Sandwiched Boomer.

Women and Men Speak - But Who is Listening?

Do is sometimes feel that you're the unheard proverbial tree that falls in the forest? You're talking but no one is listening! A recent Associated Press poll of pet owners found that one-third of married women who own pets consider their pets to be better listeners than their husbands. And nearly one-fifth of husbands also believed their pets were more attentive than their spouses. What's going on here? Even after numerous books about getting your message across, it seems that men and women still need to learn more about how to talk with each other.

Good communication begins with understanding - yourself and your partner. With the divorce rate continuing to hover around 50%, the exchange of information between the sexes is worth the effort it takes from both partners. But since men and women tend to view communication differently, the process can be very difficult.

Women generally feel comfortable talking with their spouses about what is bothering them. But men often deal with stress by withdrawing and pulling away to think about - rather than talk about - their issues. This can lead to each making mistakes in the way they interpret the other's actions. A woman may believe that her husband isn't interested in looking at a problem he is facing while a man may think that his wife is overly complaining and that the problem is so bad it can't be fixed.

When you have a better understanding of your partner's motivation and behavior, you can begin to consider new ways of responding. Respect a man's need for distance while still letting him know that you are ready to start a dialogue whenever he is. Once that door is open, learning how to identify your feelings and ask each other for support may be the first steps in resolving the differences between you.

Tune in for our next post - we'll take a look at what you can learn from pets about being a good listener. And for more good tips about improving relationships with your family, visit our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com or sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, using the link to the left.

Earth Day Plus One - Now What?

Earth Day was yesterday. So what do we call today?

In the heat of the moment, enthusiasm for making a change - protecting the earth, creating better family relationships, making the world a better place, loosing those stubborn extra pounds - can be great. But what happens the next day? How can you build on your decision to improve? How do you actually vary your routine and transform yourself? Inspiration is not enough - now you need to implement your choice in a clear and definite way. Here are 8 tips on how to go about it:

Acknowledge your ability to change. Recognize that there may be limits to what you can accomplish but that you can take it one baby step at a time. Give yourself permission to begin the process by setting a realistic goal and without expecting perfection in your results.

Write out specific goals for yourself and break them down into smaller, more manageable short-term objectives. Set up a timeline for tackling each task. The more you formulate your plans and establish concrete steps, the greater the likelihood that you will follow up on them.

List your personal resources and inner strengths - they will help you attain your objectives and eventually achieve your goals. Draw on them as you have when you made other changes in your life.

Make a public commitment to the change you are pursuing. This will help you take yourself and your decision seriously and increase your motivation to continue the process even when you face barriers along the way.

Maintain your energy by rewarding yourself for each objective you accomplish even as you keep your focus on the future goals you are striving toward. Positive reinforcement will keep you motivated to continue your process of change.

Draw on the support of family and friends. They want you to succeed and will give you the help you need. Join with others who have similar goals - having someone share your journey makes the whole process more enjoyable.

Don't beat yourself up when you backslide. Change can be overwhelming and you need to be patient with yourself. Refine your strategies as you learn from your mistakes. Have a Plan B ready and continue to improvise as you discover what works best for you.

Enjoy the satisfaction and feelings of power that come from making real changes. You've earned it! And you can use your new skill set to achieve success in other areas of your life as well. If you're a Sandwiched Boomer, resolve to use these tips to take better care of yourself.

Want more tips for making lasting changes? Sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and receive a complimentary copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned. Look to the left of this post to subscribe - and begin a new day.

Strategies from Stepping Stones

Through the years, Stepping Stones has always tried to help our readers cope with what is going on in their world. As one newsletter put it:

This newsletter is in response to the stress and anxiety that many of our readers have been feeling in this time of uncertainty. We are inundated with threats about war and terrorism. We are impacted by the declining economy as we watch the price of gasoline go up, the price of stocks go down and the continued loss of jobs in our society. Americans are feeling a sense of isolation. Many of us are confused and ambivalent about on-going events in the world. In short, we are on overload, getting constant media reports without any clear resolution at this time.

We've given you ideas about how to save money and enjoy staycations with your family.

With the high price of gasoline, are you thinking of canceling your vacation trip? This summer more and more Sandwiched Boomers are reducing their carbon footprint by taking "staycations" with their families. Why drive to a resort when there are community swimming pools around the corner? Why plan a remote getaway when you can relax in the beauty and serenity near you? You don't need to travel to the city for excitement when you can create your own at home. But how to make it a real vacation and not one long list of chores and obligations? When you follow these tips, you'll return from your staycation refreshed, recharged and reconnected to your family.

In some newsletters, we give tips for getting along with your life partner during these difficult times:

A perfect marriage would be free of financial controversy. But during this economic crisis, the reality is that couples need to learn new money management skills and face tough financial decisions – while at the same time making their relationship work. Not an easy task.

These are tough times but you can draw on the strength of your relationships to get through. As banks are having a difficult time lending money, this is your chance to make an investment in your marriage - it can turn into a welcome source of security and comfort. And can you think of a better time than now?

At the start of the New Year, Stepping Stones helped you start on a new plan for honoring and improving your health and welfare:

Now that you have made your own personal resolutions - still an honored ritual at this time of year - how do you avoid another universal tradition - breaking them? We all know that it's easier to say you are going to give up a bad habit than to actually stick to your new plan. You may have resolved to finally lose the ten pounds that have been plaguing you for years, to start an exercise program you can stick with, to let go of your self-destructive smoking, drinking or over-spending habit. Or, perhaps you're one of the 50% of Americans who vow to spend more time with family and friends this year. So where do you begin? And how do you increase the odds that you will continue? With the New Year, you have a clean slate, ready to take your dictation. Here are 8 tips to help you fulfill your resolutions.

In another issue, we talked about the technique of journaling, especially for Sandwiched Boomers:

We have found that, for many women, keeping a journal is a valuable tool for self- awareness. It can be a freeing experience as there is no one right way to journal. You are in charge and you should do what works for you. Either establish a regular pattern by journaling daily or write when you feel stuck.

In this way, you can sort out any of your jumbled internal thoughts and also have a catharsis or emotional release. If you are still caring for your family at home, it is likely you often do not have a chance to focus primarily on yourself. Now is the time to give thought to what you need and want.

Caring for aging parents isn't easy, but there are rewards to be gained for many generations - yours, your children's and even your grandchildren's:

As a Baby Boomer member of the Sandwich Generation, perhaps you have already had talks with your aging parents about their wills, beneficiaries, and advanced medical directives for hospital care. But have you discussed an ethical will or the legacy of meaning they wish to leave behind? As parents grow older, it becomes more important to them to be remembered for the life lessons they taught than for the material gifts they leave behind. Spend quality time talking with your parents about the values that are important to them. Ask them specific questions about what ethics have guided them through the years. You probably know some of these answers from having observed them and their role modeling, but the conversations can be further enlightening.

Visit our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, to read more archived articles and newsletters. Sign up there to receive your own monthly copy of Stepping Stones or subscribe through the link below and to the left, "FREE Newsletter. Enjoy reading the next issue, our 75th!

Stepping Stones Through the Years

To celebrate the 75th anniversary issue of our newsletter, Stepping Stones, this week we are highlighting some of the past issues. You can find archived copies on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com. Click on "Newsletter Library" to read Stepping Stones going all the way back to 2001. For the articles appearing in newsletters after 2006, click on the link labeled "Nourishing Relationships." Here are some tidbits from some of those past newsletters:

In one newsletter, we suggested you initiate a conversation with your partner about your relationship:

We recognize that it can be difficult to begin this kind of a discussion. Eleanor describes her situation - does it sound familiar? "And then there is this communication thing. When I try to talk to my husband about what's going on with me I get one of two reactions. The first is a blank stare and I become aware that he hasn't the foggiest notion what I mean or what I need from him. The second is an annoyed response, with the realization that we are going in two very different directions."

Communication is as important at this stage in your life as it has always been in maintaining a strong and satisfying relationship. We have compiled a few questions to get you started in your exchange of ideas. It may be most helpful to first answer them separately and then come together to discuss your thoughts. Listen to your partner without judgment; stay positive and respectful of his ideas and opinions.

In another, Karen told her story about the diagnosis of a serious chronic illness and we reviewed some steps for simplifying life:

"It took several years to accept my new limitations, to mourn the old dream and to find a new one. Now, I pace myself and prioritize differently. I plan carefully to preserve my energy so there is time for work, rest, friends and family. There is less of each than I would have wanted but the balance makes it satisfying."

Karen has chosen to create a positive outlook on life in response to her negative health situation. Through a series of steps she has developed a philosophy of "less is more" that enables her to truly enjoy her life. She has adapted her interests and activities to accommodate her changed situation. She still does what is important to her - just differently.

Another issue of Stepping Stones focused on a Sandwiched Boomer coping with caring for an aging parent as she changed from Daddy's little girl to Dad's caregiver:

It was painful for Tricia, as her father declined in his 80's. "Dad and I shared such fun times together when I was young - he taught me how to ride a horse, shoot a BB gun, ice skate, stand on my head. He was always so active. Last year, I had to insist that he not drive anymore. Now, seeing him shuffle around just breaks my heart."

It's difficult to watch as your parents deteriorate. And they may complicate the situation by being in denial about their vulnerable condition. It's up to you to acknowledge the true state of affairs and be straightforward in dealing with their increasing fragility. A number of issues must be discussed, uncomfortable as that is - health care directives in an emergency, long-term care options, the designated power of attorney, distribution of income and assets. Yet after evaluating the practical issues that need to be managed, you will feel more in control as you gather detailed information and make arrangements for the most immediate concerns."

So whether you're working on the relationship with your life partner, coping with illness and stress in your life or caring for an aging parent as a Sandwiched Boomer, our newsletters have tips to help. To receive your own copy of Stepping Stones, simply click on the link below and to the left labeled "FREE Newsletter." Once a month, you'll receive Stepping Stones in your email box to read and enjoy at your leisure.

Stepping Stones For You

What does "Stepping Stones" mean to you? To some, it brings to mind a path through a garden, to others the actions needed to get from here to there. To us, Stepping Stones represents a journey through both time and space. Stepping Stones is the name of our newsletter, which we offer at no charge each month to those who request a subscription. You can click on the words "Free Newsletter" to the left of this post and be linked to the sign up page or go to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, and register there.


This month we reach another milestone on our own wild ride with you - the diamond edition of Stepping Stones. That's right, we will be publishing our 75th issue! So all this week here on our blog we'll be highlighting the stories, strategies and support you've found in Stepping Stones over the years. Even if you weren't invited to the Academy Awards last night, come celebrate with us - and don't miss your own chance to receive our newsletters yourself. If you're already receiving a copy in your email box, show a friend how much you care by offering to subscribe her. Sign up now, it's easy. And tune in all week to party with us - don't worry, you can leave your Oscar gown and slippers in the closet.

NBCAM - National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

For the past 25 years, October has been designated as National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This month, blogs will be "going pink," stores will be selling everything from mixmasters to ipods in pink, you'll see this pink ribbon everywhere. What does this really mean to you?

If you are over 40, it means that you should be having regular screening mammograms. While mammography is the best available screening tool to date, no test is always 100% accurate. So it's wise to also perform your own monthly breast self-exams and see your physician for an annual breast exam. You may also want to consult a physician about your risk factors for breast cancer and additional diagnostic steps to take such as MRI.

Other than skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common cancer facing American women today. But, with mammography and physical exams leading to early detection, most breast cancers can be successfully treated. There are between 2 and 3 million American women living today who have survived breast cancer. So don't let anything get in the way of becoming aware and taking care of yourself. And visit the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month website, www.NBCAM.org for more information.

To read one woman's story about her experiences with breast cancer, click on the post title. It will take you to our website, HerMentroCenter.com, and one of our early newsletters. Feel free to look around and read other archived newsletters that relate to you. Then sign up to receive your own copy of our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, sent directly to you. And tune in all week for tips to help you cope with a serious illness like breast cancer.

Today's pink ribbon clip art is copyrighted by Bobbie Peachey, at http://webclipart.about.com

Our Staycation

The two of us spent part of our staycation designing a new blog to Nourish your Relationships and a new website for Her Mentor Center. We will unveil it soon, so look for news in the next few weeks about our new "baby." And soon we'll also be updating our newsletter, Stepping Stones, so be sure to sign up for your free copy today. Simply click on the title post and it will link you to our registration page.

Your Thoughts About Divorce

Visitors to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, know that we offer a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones. It's easy to subscribe - click on this post title to take you to the "Free Newsletter" section of our website where you can enter your email address. Earlier this week we sent out this month's Stepping Stones newsletter. The August issue, #69, highlights some steps you can take to avoid a slide toward divorce. If you didn't receive it, let us know and we'll email one to you.

We focused this issue of Stepping Stones on divorce since we have heard from so many women who are dealing with separation and divorce. Here's just a sampling of their concerns:

"I'm about to venture into a divorce and I'm very scared of the idea of being alone and maybe starting over again. I'm going to a therapist to talk out my feelings."

"My husband left me after 17 years of marriage, alone, confused and afflicted with herpes type 1 for almost 20 years, which I contracted from him. I'm trying not to think too much or too hard, keeping myself busy at work and home so I don't have time to dwell on my separation, grateful for family and good friends who care and a job I truly love doing but still missing him every day." 



"After 18 yrs of marriage that is ending due to infidelity, I am concerned for my future relationships and my children's future relationships."

"After 26 years of marriage, my husband requested a separation. Shortly after this I was laid off from my job of 18 years. (I am 60 years old). It has been two years and I have not been able to find another position and my divorce case has become very difficult and very expensive. In addition I have to travel a long distance for the court appearances. My belongings are still in the house also. I am living with my elderly mother. Divorce has never taken place in my family before and does not take place in the community where I live very often. I really have no one to talk to. It is my faith that carries me through."

"I'm a survivor of marital abuse and have now found myself in divorce. This year I start the process. I'm concerned about staying strong emotionally."

"I caught my cheating husband and now need to move on with the separation. I'm trying to cope by being positive, but still find it difficult to move past the hurt by my husband."

Do you have any thoughts you want to share about divorce - or any other issue? Let us hear from you. It's easy to express yourself: go to "Comments" below and leave a note or just email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. We're waiting to hear from you!

NourishingRelationship and HerMentorCenter Readers Weigh In

Readers of our blog and our website, HerMentorCenter.com, have been having a spirited discussion since yesterday with Patsy Harman, author of "The Blue Cotton Gown." It continues today through the comment section of our blog. Please feel free to keep on sending in your opinions and questions. And our thanks to Patsy for being so generous with her time.

You can still read in full all of the responses that came in through yesterday's "comment" link. Here's a sampling of just some of them:

NR Reader: I loved your book, Patsy, and talking to you as well. Amazed by your candid writing about not only your own reactions regarding your patients, but your own relationship with your rather amazing sounding husband, too . . .a very touching and heartfelt book. Thank you for writing it.

NR Reader: What was the nicest experience you had with one of your patients? How about the scariest one?

PH: Recently a patient told me she really liked my book, "The Blue Cotton Gown"...This was the best review I ever got...I laughed, I cried, I was inspired. Is that sweet or what? The worst experience I've had...too many to mention. Babies that died, teens that overdosed, women that were abused. It is a hard world out there. I do what I can. Patsy

NR Reader: I've been wanting to go back to school to study for a degree in nutrition but I'm afraid that I'm too old. How old were you when you went back to school to become a midwife? Was it hard to compete with younger students? Could you keep up with all the reading and the assignments? I worry that I will become overwhelmed by my classes and not be able to set aside the time I need to concentrate on them with all that is going on in my family life. How did you make it work for you?

PH: I had three kids. I was 37 when I went back to become an RN and graduated with my masters when I was 41. Midwifery is really physically demanding, but I have a lot of energy so I was ok. I also love to study.

If you haven't been in school for a while, I would just look up the courses that are part of the major you are interested in. Maybe take a few classes at a community college. I bet you will do fine. You might even do better than some of the younger students because they are out partying. Never give up on your dreams. Patsy

PH: The life of a working mother is really stressful and with the economic crisis in the US and the rest of the world it's not getting better for any of us, guys included. We need to give each other all the support we can. Peace, Patsy

If you want to have more of these kinds of sessions, please add your comments here or email us at mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. And visit our website by clicking on either the title above or on the first link on the left below, "Her Mentor Center."

You can sign up for our newsletter, Stepping Stones, by clicking on the link below marked "FREE Newsletter." We send subscribers a monthly newsletter that focuses on helpful strategies for coping with personal and family issues - especially in these trying times. Our May newsletter gave tips about how mothers-in-law can improve their relationships and learn from President Obama's MIL. Our June Stepping Stones will highlight how Susan Boyle, an unlikely role model, can be a guide to an emphasis on inner beauty and nourishing oneself.

Mothers-in-Law Speak Up

Our recent Stepping Stones newsletter generated a flurry of readers' comments - not surprising since the topic was mothers-in-law. That's been a hot-button relationship since the beginning of time. We appreciate hearing from our readers and decided to open the discussion about in-law relationships to all of you on our blog this week.

You'll find a sampling of the responses below - feel free to weigh in on them yourselves. And send in your personal stories about getting along with your own mother-in-law or about your relations with your daughters-in-law and sons-in-law.

We focused the May newsletter, in honor of mother's day, on getting along with sons-in-law. A prime example is Marian Robinson, who made news by living under the same roof - in the White House - as her son-in-law, President Obama. Yet many of issues we talk about and the tips we provide in that newsletter apply to daughters-in-law as well as to sons-in-law.

One young woman thought she recognized her own family dynamics in some of the tips: "I felt like my husband was an example of the what to do/not to do with a mother-in-law. Interesting timing for such an article given some of the recent joys and tensions we've experienced."

A mother-in-law also wrote that she found the newsletter topic timely: "Interesting I could read this just now. My daughter-in-law has a less than stellar attitude about me. We just sent the kids some fun gifts for their anniversary. My husband said we shouldn't force our attentions on them. I said that her attitude shouldn't influence how we naturally are. So we sent them. I don't know how she took it, but we got a call from our son. He appreciated. So, GO for it, Mrs. Obama's mother! I hope she does something good for us all."

We were especially touched by the following comment: "I love receiving your online newsletter and enjoy the ideas, suggestions and articles. In this current newsletter you talk about being a 
mother-in-law. I would like to encourage more "inclusion" when you address 
this and future such topics. I am a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians 
and Gays) mother and extremely supportive of my Lesbian daughter and her 
new partner. I have a new daughter-in-law and I couldn't love and 
appreciate anyone more than I do her. Thanks for considering my point of 
view."

We would like to hear from other mothers of gay and lesbian children about your experiences with your children's partners. We'll talk more about this during the week. 


Another woman with a daughter-in-law wrote in asking for more tips about how to improve their relationship. "I'm a new mother-in-law ... to my son's new wife! I'm a little surprised that your advice in the newsletter on becoming a mother-in-law is only focused on becoming one to a male spouse of a daughter."

If you are also wondering about getting along with a daughter-in-law, you can find an article we wrote about this by clicking on the title above. It will take you to our website www.HerMentorCenter.com, and an article in the Expanding Family section of Nourishing Relationships entitled, "From Baby Boomer to Mother-in-Law: How to Play Your New Role." It talks about the issues that commonly come up in the relationship with a daughter-in-law and gives some tips about relating better.

Respectful Grandmothers

With Mother's Day just around the corner, we'll be highlighting all you 'Grand Mothers' this week. As you know, we come in all sizes as well as names - Grandma, Bubbe, Granny, Nana, Grams, or whatever special name your grandkids have for you. We have 10 grandchildren between us - living near and far; in preschool, grade school, college and beyond; from intact as well as blended families. What we share in common is our concern for them and our desire to maintain a loving relationship with them. This week we'll be talking about how to do just that.

Today we'll look at the important concerns revolving around grandkids who live nearby; tomorrow, significant issues for those who live far away; on Wednesday, chief relationship matters with step-grandchildren and those whose parents have divorced. On Thursday, we'll host Sally Olds, author of Super Granny: Great Stuff to Do with You Grandkids. And Friday, we'll wrap up with your feedback.

For any and every kind of grandmothering, the unifying concept for you to remember is respect - for your children, their partners, your grandkids, and for yourself. Treat everyone with the respect they deserve and value their individual needs and rights in the relationship. When you do that, you set the stage for creating strong bonds and enriched relationships between everyone in the family.

When your grandkids live nearby, you can enjoy the pleasure of being an integral part of their lives. You probably have the chance to spend time with them weekly, participate in significant events, and learn first-hand about their latest interests and achievements. The main concern here is boundaries - on all sides. It's vital for you not to over-step and usurp your adult children's authority, even as you pitch in to help them with their child-care duties. And it's just as imperative for you to retain your own personal identity and not become submerged into the role of grandmother only. You'll enjoy the relationship more when you also have some separation from it.

Click on the title above to take you to our newsletter, Stepping Stones, for an article with reflections on becoming a grandmother.

Like Susan Boyle, Finish the Song

Susan Boyle had several strikes against her - learning disabilities, anxiety from being bullied by classmates, the kind of scars that do not heal, according to her. But that didn't stop her. She went on to finish the song.

Can you relate to that? We've all had shaping experiences early in life and memories of being misrepresented or misunderstood. As Sandwiched Boomers, you're likely keeping lots of balls in the air and feeling the stress of that. Here are a couple of tips to help you keep going:

Don't be swayed by the attitude of others, no matter whether they sneer or cheer. Focus inward. Access the internal strength and confidence to move forward on your own steam. Pay attention only to what you're doing.

The unexpected can come at any time. Be prepared. Stay motivated as you practice your skills. And pretty soon, step by step, you'll turn your hopes and dreams into reality.

Click on the title to read an article on HerMentorCenter.com from our newsletter, Stepping Stones, on Managing Stress.

We hope you all had a lovely Mother's Day and were able to connect with your family members.

We are happy to announce the winner of our Mother's Day contest. Here is the winning essay, written by Sheri Fisher, who will receive a spring bouquet to enjoy, compliments of NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and HerMentorCenter.com.

"My mother has been gone now for twelve years, but the most significant thing I think she taught me was to be independent.

When I was growing up she always worked at an outside job. Therefore, I was left on my own a lot to fend for myself, whether it was making my own lunch, or just entertaining myself. As a child I always resented the fact that she was never around so that we could develop a relationship and talk.

As I got older and married, had a family, divorced and remarried, moved to another city all by myself to develop a new life, remarried again, one day I had a light bulb moment! I stopped those old tapes in my head about how I was left on my own so much as a child, how my mother was never there after school with the homemade cookies and milk. I realized the fact that because she did teach me to have such independence, I was able to carry on in my life the way many women of my generation could not have done, such as moving to a new city all by myself without knowing anyone and building a whole new life, traveling to Europe alone and having a new adventure and loving it. Things like that were only possible because I was, and still am, so independent.

I wish my mother was here today so I could tell her how much she actually did for me and to thank her and tell her how much I loved her and can now appreciate what she did for me."

Sherri responded to our award by writing: "Thank you so much for this honor. I am very excited about winning the essay and the bouquet. Thank you again and I wish all the mothers in the world a very Happy Mother's Day."

Stay tuned in for more information about our upcoming Father's Day contest. You'll have a chance to honor your Dad and the lessons you have learned from that important man in your life. We'll announce the winner in our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and here on the blog next month, where we'll publish her essay. And our champion will again receive flowers from us. So send us your reminiscences about your Dad and what he taught you. Email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com.

With Mother's Day only four weeks away, in honor of motherhood and the nurturing women in your life, we are sponsoring a timely contest for Sandwiched Boomers. Tell us about the most significant lesson you have learned from a special, caring woman - your mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, aunt, daughter, a favorite teacher, mentor - the choice is up to you. You can submit as many stories of gratitude as you like. Simply email us at www.Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com explaining why this woman had such a meaningful impact on you.

The winner will receive a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers and her tribute will be posted here on the blog and in our newsletter, Stepping Stones.

Those of you who subscribe to our free monthly newsletter heard about the contest earlier this week and several women have already sent in their stories. The cut off date is May 4, 2008, so get busy thinking about the important women in your life and how you can honor them. And if you want to receive your own copy of our newsletter next month, you can go to www.HerMentorCenter.com and sign up for it.