Caution, Curves Ahead

Last week, I was driving down one of the canyons in Los Angeles, quickly moving the steering wheel left and right as the road twisted and turned. It was like playing an arcade game, trying to keep your car on the virtual road, going as fast as you can. In those videos, the sharp curves keep switching and obstacles suddenly appear, causing you to crash and burn if you're not reacting fast enough.

It may be fun to play on a screen but what about when life itself mirrors this wild experience? If you find yourself in the midst of a constant stream of challenges, threatening to devastate you, you're probably looking for a way to tone down the level of your reactions and emotions. Here are two ways to begin:

Give up the illusion of control. If you're a sandwiched boomer, you've probably already noticed that you don't have very much control over the way your growing children or aging parents behave. Juggling work and parenting responsibilities, do you still somehow hold on to the belief that you can determine the way those around you act? This is the time to let go of your unrealistic expectations and the belief that you can create a perfect outcome. What you can change is how you react to what comes your way. Choose to focus on looking inside as you shift to more positive emotions. And turn the challenges coming at you as opportunities for growth.

Give up the guilt. When things don't turn out the way you expect, do you blame yourself? Whether it's trouble maintaining a balance between work and family or your needs and your partner's, don't beat yourself up for your choices - learn from them. Instead of dwelling on past mistakes, forgive yourself, let go of your negative feelings and allow yourself the opportunity to regroup and try something else. You're doing the best you can so give yourself some credit and ease up. After all, you're human, not all-knowing, and you deserve another chance. Friends can give you support and perspective as you share your feelings and concerns.

Stop by again Wednesday for more tips on plotting a course for yourself. And if you're stressed from dealing with the ups and downs of the economy, consider our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

A Gift for Chelsea and Marc: Conflict Resolution Strategies

Close to 85% of participants in a recent survey said they're accepting of interfaith marriages. But there can be challenges, especially if issues - like how to celebrate holidays, raise the children, honor life stages - haven't been talked about before the wedding.

Read about conflict resolution from Wikipedia and advice from interfaith couples to Chelsea and Marc. As differences can lead to disagreements, the best you can do sometimes is practice strategies to maximize your strengths:

Minimize emotional overload. Flooding is a physiological arousal that is activated when tensions are high and communication stalls. When quarreling, state a desired outcome and stick to the subject at hand. Try not to blame your partner or get defensive, and take some responsibility for what's going on.

Assume a non-threatening posture. Calibrate your emotions because your body language and tone of voice make a difference. Monitor any negative comments and be slow to criticize. Count to 10 before reacting and, if it looks like the conversation is escalating, walk away.

Agree to a time-out strategy. Before you say something you may later regret, decide to put some distance between yourselves and the problem. Plan to come back to the conversation later and work out a solution. And then take a break until you're less upset and settled down enough to listen without planning a rebuttal.

Find a comfortable position, close your eyes and breathe deeply. Hold your breath for several seconds and release it slowly through your mouth. Repeat this several times, brushing away any distractions. Notice how focusing only on each breath can make you feel more calm.

Pay attention to constructive thoughts. You can turn the negatives into more positives. For example, his anger isn’t all about me; we really do love each other; she's under a lot of pressure at work; this too shall pass; I'm upset now but I know we’re right for each other.

Why not familiarize yourselves with these techniques before a situation gets heated. You can create some key words together that will alert you to the potential danger ahead. Perhaps even use teasing, humor and laughter to cut through the drama.

Here's one of many sites that offers information for married couples. Visit our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, and read this article about how to fight fair. And log on to the blog Friday for our concluding post about marriage and conflict resolution.

Stepping Stones For You

What does "Stepping Stones" mean to you? To some, it brings to mind a path through a garden, to others the actions needed to get from here to there. To us, Stepping Stones represents a journey through both time and space. Stepping Stones is the name of our newsletter, which we offer at no charge each month to those who request a subscription. You can click on the words "Free Newsletter" to the left of this post and be linked to the sign up page or go to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, and register there.


This month we reach another milestone on our own wild ride with you - the diamond edition of Stepping Stones. That's right, we will be publishing our 75th issue! So all this week here on our blog we'll be highlighting the stories, strategies and support you've found in Stepping Stones over the years. Even if you weren't invited to the Academy Awards last night, come celebrate with us - and don't miss your own chance to receive our newsletters yourself. If you're already receiving a copy in your email box, show a friend how much you care by offering to subscribe her. Sign up now, it's easy. And tune in all week to party with us - don't worry, you can leave your Oscar gown and slippers in the closet.

One survivor commented yesterday on the difficulty of finding the right time to leave her abusive spouse because of her children. When she did leave, 10 years ago already, she was able to move into a women's shelter and take stock of her life. Now she says with great emotion, "we haven't looked back."

The expectation is that the numbers of cases of domestic violence will go up as the stock market numbers go down. Abusers react to such external pressures by lashing out at those around them. Learn what you can do to protect yourself from domestic violence in these stressful times, particularly if you are a Sandwiched Boomer, caring for your growing children and aging parents. Here are two more actions to take to begin the process of strengthening yourself for that day when you will be able to leave.

Prepare to take care of yourself - emotionally, financially and physically. Find a therapist who will help you develop self-confidence and the life skills you may need to go solo. Take charge of your personal finances, open your own bank account, find a job if you are not already employed.

Have an exit strategy and plan what to do if and when you leave the relationship. Investigate available community resources and learn about shelters in your area. Have copies of documents you may need as well as extra clothes and cash; leave them with a friend or neighbor so you can retrieve them later.

Tomorrow we will give you some additional suggestions for how to move through the process of leaving an abusive partner.

We welcome Amy Sherman, author of "Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer's
Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life," to our virtual book tour.

Amy, how did this book come about?

I developed 10 strategies 29 years ago when I was pregnant with my son and found out I had Crohn's Disease. The devastating news sent me on a negative spiral of depression and fear. However, after reassessing my situation, I realized that I had a great deal of power over how I could handle this health crisis.

It took a lot of determination, faith, inspiration, support and specific techniques to turn my health around and I have used these tools ever since. As a boomer, facing many other challenges now, I knew how effective these techniques really are and wanted to share them with others who were dealing with changes in health and professional or personal losses, such as the empty nest syndrome and aging parents.

How is "Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer's Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life" different from other inspirational books?

This book addresses the specific issues and concerns boomers face and how they can overcome them. It does this by examining the fears, self-defeating thoughts, inhibitions and doubts that keep boomers from reaching their full potential. The 10 strategies are reinforced by exercises at the end of each chapter and are enriched with valuable insights about taking personal control and responsibility for one's own life.

What are the biggest mistakes boomers should avoid?

One of the biggest mistakes is self-sabotage. Boomers tend to sabotage themselves by their negative thinking, worry and fear. How can you achieve what you want, when you fear failure or doubt your potential? Another big mistake is taking life too seriously. Laughter and humor are free commodities that diffuse negativity, boost your immune system and reduce stress. Many people forget how important that is.

What is the most important thing boomer women should
know to keep them motivated and inspired?

Boomer women need to remind themselves of their own significance and value. As they age, their roles will change, but they can reinvent themselves at each stage of their lives by making new and exciting goals that are based on their passions. Women need to know that anything is possible if they keep their focus on what they want and that everyone deserves to feel joy and happiness.

Thanks, Amy, for talking with us today. To learn more about Amy's work and her book, go to http://www.bummedoutboomer.com. And please click on "Comments" below, follow the instructions, ask Amy your questions and share your comments.