You, Your Difficult Mother and Mother’s Day

Perhaps you're fed up with trying to win your mom’s approval and be accepted for who you are. Or you’re tired of feeling guilty and blaming yourself for the problems. Although we all want an emotionally healthy relationship with our mother, sometimes it’s not possible. Instead of trying to placate mom, understand that the anger is her problem and it’s not your responsibility to manage her emotions.

Silence your self doubt. It’s not uncommon for insecurity to be the legacy of a difficult mother. Challenge your negative internal scripts and put them to rest. Value those who listen as you share your opinions and desires. This will remind you that close relationships can be different from your relationship with your mother.

Begin to practice self love. You’ll feel more empowered as you list all that you have achieved without your mom’s encouragement or support. Realize that these assets belong to you alone. If you've spent a lifetime trying to be taken care of or consumed with rage about not having that kind of love, it may be hard to see yourself as the valuable person you really are. You’ll come to know that you are not defined by your mom but by what you envision yourself to be.

Notice the positives of the life you've created. When you were young, your mom's attitude or actions may have made you feel worthless or invisible. Did you fantasize about getting out from under her control and moving far away? Now that you are perhaps married, with a family and a successful life, you're no longer that helpless little girl. Admire and respect your grown up qualities - how responsible you are, being able to laugh at yourself, your fierce independence, common sense and good judgment.

As you continue working to get what you need, consider the possibility of offering forgiveness. Granted, your mom may have made it difficult to accept yourself or trust others. But know that forgiving your mother for who she is doesn't necessarily excuse her actions. And starting to extinguish the feelings of rejection and resentment can mark a new beginning for you - a Mother's Day gift that you give yourself, freeing you from the past.

Caution, Curves Ahead

Last week, I was driving down one of the canyons in Los Angeles, quickly moving the steering wheel left and right as the road twisted and turned. It was like playing an arcade game, trying to keep your car on the virtual road, going as fast as you can. In those videos, the sharp curves keep switching and obstacles suddenly appear, causing you to crash and burn if you're not reacting fast enough.

It may be fun to play on a screen but what about when life itself mirrors this wild experience? If you find yourself in the midst of a constant stream of challenges, threatening to devastate you, you're probably looking for a way to tone down the level of your reactions and emotions. Here are two ways to begin:

Give up the illusion of control. If you're a sandwiched boomer, you've probably already noticed that you don't have very much control over the way your growing children or aging parents behave. Juggling work and parenting responsibilities, do you still somehow hold on to the belief that you can determine the way those around you act? This is the time to let go of your unrealistic expectations and the belief that you can create a perfect outcome. What you can change is how you react to what comes your way. Choose to focus on looking inside as you shift to more positive emotions. And turn the challenges coming at you as opportunities for growth.

Give up the guilt. When things don't turn out the way you expect, do you blame yourself? Whether it's trouble maintaining a balance between work and family or your needs and your partner's, don't beat yourself up for your choices - learn from them. Instead of dwelling on past mistakes, forgive yourself, let go of your negative feelings and allow yourself the opportunity to regroup and try something else. You're doing the best you can so give yourself some credit and ease up. After all, you're human, not all-knowing, and you deserve another chance. Friends can give you support and perspective as you share your feelings and concerns.

Stop by again Wednesday for more tips on plotting a course for yourself. And if you're stressed from dealing with the ups and downs of the economy, consider our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success.

Your Social Network Can Improve Your Health

I bet you're not surprised: Study after study has confirmed what most women already know - friendships are good for your health. The Nurses Health Study found that the greater the number of friends in your social network, the more healthful and joyful a life you lead. The MacArthur Foundation concluded that social support helps women cope with difficult times. Shelley Taylor and her colleagues at UCLA determined that befriending other women helps women live longer and more satisfying lives.

So when you're setting up your personal health plan, be sure to set aside time to spend with your friends. They'll help you cope with daily hassles and with more serious hardships. Consider nurturing your friendships like a form of preventative medicine - and you don't even need a prescription. Isn't an afternoon with friends more fun than a trip to the doctor, easier to swallow than pills and not hurtful like a shot? So set a date and put it on your appointment calendar - you'll feel better when you do.

Our short YouTube video, Your Personal Health Plan Relies on Your Social Network gives you some tips to begin. Share ideas and reach out for emotional and practical support as you cope with the ups and downs of a family-in-flux. Friendships can be a potent antidote to the toxins of stress.

Sandwiched Boomers often try to live up to extremely high expectations - yours or others. Instead, draft a set of realistic, reasonable, achievable standards. You'll feel less stressed when you do. Another of our YouTube videos, Your Personal Health Plan Sets Reasonable Standards, gives you tips about setting up attainable goals as part of your personal health and wellness plan. You'll learn about letting go of guilt, accepting yourself for who you are and asking for help when you need it.

Want to learn more about the importance of friendships in supporting you? Boomer Women and Friendship: The Gift You Give Yourself will give you some good background. It's on our website, Her Mentor Center with other helpful articles.

Time for Me

With summer drawing to a close, the kids going back to school and the vacation luggage back to the basement, are you wondering what changes Labor Day will bring? If you're torn between work and family - or family and you - how can you find the balance between your varied roles without accumulating any more guilt along the way?

No matter what challenges you face in your career and at home with children growing up and parents growing older, it's not selfish to set aside time for you. Vow to put your feet up and think about yourself for once. What brings you happiness? What relieves the stress you face every day? What will bring a sense of harmony to your life?

It's time to let go of the part you have played as the 'good girl,' responding to the needs of others first, and for once, listen to your own voice, quiet as it may be. Schedule in some private time and do something that gives you pleasure - take a walk by the water, enjoy the beauty of a sunset, immerse yourself in a good book. Think of this as a personal retreat that provides the opportunity to reconnect with and re-center yourself.

Recognize that it is healthy to receive as well as to give. Ask for what you need from your family members and seek out professionals for their expertise and guidance. You don't have to do everything yourself. Let your spouse, children and siblings know exactly how you feel, what you want from them, and how they can do their share. Taking help when it is offered doesn't diminish your abilities.

Guilt runs rampant among women, who often worry that they're not doing enough for their loved ones. Remind yourself that you're dancing as fast as you can, given the realities of your life situation. You don't have to be the perfect mother, daughter, wife or grandmother. Set your own reasonable standards rather than falling in the trap of trying to live up to others' expectations.

As you decide to take better care of you, you'll discover the strength to find balance in life. Develop a firm core within yourself - it will sustain you as you continue to nurture your growing and changing family. Look for more tips to help you nurture yourself on our website, HerMentorCenter.

And continue the discussion with us on Wednesday as we host Donna Henes, author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. "Mama Donna," as she is affectionately called, will be here to answer your questions about recognizing the wisdom and power you have achieved - and the liberation that comes with it in your prime.

Your Personal Health Plan Sets Reasonable Standards

No matter what age women have attained, many still act the part of the 'good girl,' responding to the needs of others first. It's fitting that these multitasking women are called the Sandwich Generation - since a sandwich often means a quick bite to eat on the run for those who don't have the time for a sit-down meal.

Why not begin to take more time nourishing youself? Instead of trying to live up to unrealistic expectations - yours or others - draft a set of realistic, reasonable, achievable standards. You'll feel less stressed when you do. Today's video will help you set up attainable goals as part of your personal health and wellness plan.




Are you feeling like a Sandwiched Boomer, with demands being made by your children and parents simultaneously? For some help in taking better care of yourself, click on the title of the post. It takes you to our article, How to Nourish the Sandwich That is You on our website, HerMentorCenter.com. And use the comment link below to let us know how you are doing.

We had an interesting interview with Carol Tavris, Ph.D. yesterday as she talked about how her book, "Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me: Why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts)" relates to Sandwiched Boomers. She has given each of us a lot to think about as we deal with our own family-in-flux.

Carol's take on how to move past the "I'm right and you're wrong" scenario resonated with several of our readers. Their comments about how to turn an argument into a real discussion are worth highlighting here. One recognized that "letting go of 'right vs. wrong' seems to give rise to the real issues, and leads to resolving them without all of the blame." Another acknowledged that she was "particularly struck by the concept that in an argument both sides must be willing to stop justifying their way of doing things as the only possible way. I often find when disagreeing with my spouse that only until we each seek to understand where the other person is coming from can we truly find common ground we both can feel good about." When we are able to let go of the need to be right all the time, we can instead focus on actually listening to our children, parents and spouse to hear and understand their positions.

Another Sandwich Generation reader was reflecting upon her method of coping with the simultaneous time demands of her parents and children. She wrote, "I am the only child of elderly parents who are very needy of my time and attention. I often exaggerate or lie about being busy with my teenagers so that I don't have to spend time with them. Then I feel guilty. Is that cognitive dissonance and what can I do about it?" Addressing her feelings, Carol responded,"the guilt that you feel about lying to your parents is indeed a part of cognitive dissonance: it stems from the internal conflict you are feeling between "I am a good and loving person" and "I am lying to people who need me and avoiding them."

Addressing our reader's question about what she could do differently, Carol suggested, "think of ways to change the way you usually interact with your parents so that your visits are more pleasurable for you. For example, why not interview them formally about their history--singly and then together? That is, turn their focus from you to them. You might all enjoy the results."

What additional ways have you developed to deal with your own conflicts about how you allot your time and energy between all of those making demands on you? Share them with other Sandwiched Boomers so that we can all learn from your experience.