Get Ready to Refresh Your Marriage

If you’re new to this blog, scroll down to Monday and read the post about how to make a good marriage better. There you’ll find practical tips and links to get you off to a good start. And below are a few more ideas that may help:

Ask for what you need. No one’s a mind reader. Sometimes, out of frustration or resentment, couples stop talking. Recommit to understanding each other’s anger or disappointment. If you meet halfway, you’ll both get more of what you want.

Invest in your own happiness. It will relieve pressure and your partner won’t have to be a major source of your wellbeing. By taking action in your own life, you'll feel more confident, have a better attitude, be more interesting and your relationship will reap the dividends.

Express your gratitude often. Compliments serve as positive reinforcement at the very times when you may be taking each other for granted. If you find yourself distancing, try to see your partner in a different light. Purposely look for qualities you love in each other. And when you’re thinking something positive, say it out loud.

Only you know what it’ll take to make you feel more fulfilled. Communicate it directly yet be flexible as you make your way through differences and disagreements. A shift in the dynamics can result from something as simple as a weekly date night or training together for a marathon. And being satisfied with small changes will bring more pleasure and greater intimacy into your relationship.

Attaining Happiness Without a Winning Lottery Ticket

Is happiness really as simple as a warm puppy? Stopping to smell the flowers? Or as materialistic as a winning lottery ticket? There have been scores of philosophers and theologians over the years attempting to define happiness and to identify its components. But recently Michael J. Fox, living with Parkinson's for over 20 years put it more plainly:

I really love being alive. I really love my family and my work. I love the opportunity I have to do things. That's what happiness is.

If you're working to increase your happiness, perhaps you've already begun with the strategies we talked about earlier this week - increasing your gratitude and engaging by using your character strengths. Today, using Fox's formula of affirmative focus, family and meaningful work accomplishments, we have four more tips for you in the quest to attain true happiness.

Savor the pleasurable events and emotions you experience. First immerse yourself in these activities, being mindful so that your experience is rich and deep. Then set aside time later to re-live and enjoy the event and your feelings all over again. You'll find that your body becomes more relaxed, your thoughts more focused and your mood more upbeat.

Build and nurture personal relationships. Studies continue to show that positive relationships provide a buffer for the stresses we all encounter and are correlated with greater happiness, well-being, optimism, improved health, even a longer lifespan. And they work to create an upward spiral - the happier we are, the more we attract additional positive relationships.

Create a meaningful life by helping others. When you make a commitment to help others, your altruism also benefits you by increasing your levels of joy and contentment. Receiving a windfall of money - like that coming from a lottery win - doesn't actually lead to a long-term rise in happiness when spent on oneself, once basic needs are met. Yet spending a portion of that money on others - either as a gift or as a charitable donation - is correlated with an increase in happiness.

Set goals for yourself and work to achieve them. Striving for and accomplishing a goal leads to increased self-esteem and a sense mastery and efficacy. When you overcome challenges along the way, it creates even deeper well-being and feelings of control. And the optimism that you have about future meaningful successes can generate authentic happiness.

President Abraham Lincoln, who went through great trials and difficulties, shared his view:

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

How happy will you decide to be? Can you get there without depending on a lottery ticket?

So You Didn't Win the Lottery...Now What?

If you're reading this blog post today, the overwhelming odds are that you didn't win the record-breaking lottery over the weekend. Americans spent $1.5 billion in their magical thinking quest to win the jackpot, fantasizing about how they would happily spend the $640 million that was to be paid out to the winner. As it happened, there were three winners so the final after-tax take home this year for each will be about $100 million. Still, nothing to sneeze at.

Are you wondering how others have fared after winning the lottery? In many cases, not well. Over 1/3 of past winners were in serious financial trouble within five years, some facing bankruptcy. Others saw their health deteriorate or addictions spiral out of control. Relationships often turned sour, with friends or family taking advantage of them. And after an initial spurt in elation, most were not any happier than they were before winning.

So now that you don't have to spend time counting your fortune or interviewing and hiring a wealth adviser, here are two approaches to think about as you seek to achieve the authentic happiness you thought a winning number would bring:

Bring your experience of gratitude into the forefront. Keeping a gratitude journal can help you become more aware of what brings you pleasure. Several times a week, count your blessings and write about three specific experiences for which you were thankful that day. They could include a dramatic sunset, warm hug from a friend, tender compliment from your partner, touching story, beautiful violin concerto, delicious dessert. As you focus on these and choose not to take them for granted, you'll be increasing your level of joy. Express your gratitude to others who have made a positive difference in your life - you'll feel happier and so will they.

Engage in the world around you using your personal strengths. When you're absorbed in a challenging activity you love and are skillful at, you'll feel more alive and authentic. Your energized focus and immersion in the task at hand create flow. This peak experience is accompanied by deep feelings of fulfillment and happiness. Identifying, developing and utilizing your character strengths at work and in your leisure interests bring you flow and a sense well-being that is genuine and lasting.

For more practical and winning tips for achieving happiness, check in with us here again on Wednesday.

If you had hoped to use your lottery winnings to help with finances after your kids boomeranged home, we've also got some useful strategies for you. Log onto our interview on the Fox Business website with boomer Casey Dowd, Repopulated Empty-Nests: What to Do When Your Kids Move Back Home and let us know how our tips work for you.

Love is More Than a Four Letter Word

With Valentine's Day less than a week away, we continue our focus on the many aspects of love. Filled with the deep pleasure of engagement, we often talk about loving a person, an idea, a place, an experience. The great sense of pure joy and energy springing from such love can keep you warm the rest of the season - a must, now that Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter.

digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Here are two more forms of love to consider this week:

Love what you do. Whatever it is you do each day - a job outside the home, a hobby, volunteer work, caring for your aging parents or growing children - you'll be more fulfilled if you're immersed in it. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined the term flow for the experience of focused involvement in an activity. In flow you have a greater sense of clarity and timelessness, with your passion becoming its own reward. Challenge yourself to live a meaningful life to its fullest by creating flow, knowing that you can accomplish your goals. And experience love by making a commitment to act on what you feel.

Love who you are. It's not always easy to love yourself, is it? Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, seeing our faults more clearly than our strengths. Other times we over estimate our strong points, seeing ourselves through rose-colored glasses. Two thousand years ago, Socrates entreated each of us to Know Thyself. Your challenge today is to recognize your authentic being. When you embrace your frailties and at the same time encourage your growth and the development of your abilities, you can begin to truly love yourself. Learn to feel comfortable in your own skin - accept and be true to who you are.

We hope you enjoy your day of love next week - whatever object of your affections you choose to celebrate. Want to tell us about your love? Click on the comment link below and tell us who or what brings happiness to your life.

Conversation with Pamela Madsen, Author of Shameless

Sex educator Pamela Madsen joins us today to talk about her new book, SHAMELESS: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner. After being married thirty years, Pamela embarked on a sexual adventure that she explores in her memoir about a new monogamy. She proposes by allowing yourself to be truly seen by your partner, you can achieve a level of intimacy that you may never have felt before. So lets get started, Pamela.

NR: Why did you write this book and what gave you the courage to do so?

PM: Once I owned up to my deepest, untapped desires, I discovered a wellspring of happiness and self-confidence inside me that extended to every part of my life. Whoa! I thought. This is incredible! Everyone should know they have the power to experience life in all its richness right now, just as they are. No diets, no plastic surgery, no nothing. Just intact, healthy sexuality.

If I can stop warring with my weight and workaholism, I think most people can. I know that when I stopped denying my hearty and normal sexual appetites, I started losing my uncontrollable urges to overeat, overwork and over-compensate. For the first time, I could relax in my own skin. Admitting your desires takes a tanker-load of courage, and a rip-stop web of support. That’s what I’m here to provide. That’s my mission. That’s why I wrote SHAMELESS.

NR: For many people in long-term relationships, the very idea of changing one’s sexual practices or introducing extreme ideas may be viewed as a threat to the happiness and health of the relationship itself. What would you say is the best way to approach a spouse or significant other regarding such topics?

PM: Candidly discussing desire, whether it’s new-found or previously undisclosed, isn’t about blowing up a happy and healthy long-term relationship. It is about creating new depths of intimacy and revealing oneself to one’s partner more fully. Make no mistake – it can be an edgy exercise. It’s just as scary to share your deepest needs as it is for your partner to hear them. Honesty isn’t always comfortable but that’s how we develop true acceptance of ourselves and our significant others. It’s also important to remember that there’s a big difference between expressing desire and acting on it, and what may feel extreme to one, may be the other’s baseline. No one’s sexuality is “typical” and for both the speaker and the listener, this is the moment to put judgment aside in the name of love. Sometimes, simply naming desire out loud is enough. That is often the key to opening greater understanding between two people. The best way to approach this is with gentleness and an open heart. If you love this person enough to be vulnerable, then hopefully you believe that your love is reciprocal enough to see you through.

NR: If a significant other’s sexual journey and desires may not be in line with one’s own, do you think that it would/should spell an end for the relationship? To what extent should each partner be expected to compromise their own desires for the sake of the other?

PM: The knowledge that we are individual sexual beings inside of a relationship is something that many people find impossible to understand. We always think we should be “one” in our desires, and that our partners should be the ones to give us pleasure. My husband and I agree that we are two people in love, committed to a long-term marriage that has many important and vital elements that we both cherish – including our marital bed. That being said, I had to come to the understanding that no one could give me true pleasure other than myself. First I had to understand what my own desires really were. I was surprised to find how much they had changed and shifted over time.

To be sure, many people won’t examine their own fantasies and desires. More often than not, we sit in such judgment of sexual desires in general and our own in particular, then we hide them away as if they were somehow shameful. And then we forget about or fail to recognize them at all. The denial of our essential sexual natures is so ingrained –we can’t even look at our own bodies without cringing. Body shame looms large. There are so many obstacles to leap over, from religion and cultural mores to family issues, lack of information and possibly even abuse.

So this concept of us being unique sexual beings could be really big news for people. And that we can be two separate beings in ONE marriage is really startling. It may throw a different light onto a dedicated relationship, but with kindness, openness and compromise, there’s no reason for our innate sexuality to torpedo a couple.

NR: The history of the sexually liberated woman is a long and tangled one, ranging from the feared and scorned (but eventually romanticized) flapper to the essentially accepted “cougar.” What can be done for sexual liberation to truly be accepted in a modern, somewhat sexually repressed society?

PM: That question is too big even for me. I guess it is always about people being willing to be brave enough to speak their truths and be seen just as they are. Of course that can be dangerous. But pioneers in any field run the risk of ridicule, defamation or worse. The thing is the more people speak out, the more the taboo loses its power. The idea of a “cougar” is the perfect example. It wasn’t so many years ago when it was a vile epithet that categorized older, sexually engaged women as predators preying on young men. Well, that term has now lost a lot of its sting. The point, of course, is to get rid of terms that demean people –and women in particular –simply because they’ve embraced their sexuality.

NR: You’ve noted several times that many sex writers and sex advocates feel like they have to hide their identities in order to save face among peers, or even to keep their jobs or family relationships intact. You’ve even blogged about your own personal worries about being “found out” and the possible repercussions. What steps do you think need to be taken to calm this fear (legitimate or otherwise)?

PM: The more we are willing to be seen, to take the risks, to come out, the safer everyone will feel. I am stepping on the shoulders of incredible sexuality advocates and pioneers to write my book Shameless. They took a lot of hits on my behalf – and make it feel safe enough for me to come out. And now I have, and I am sure that I will take hits too. I already have. But by telling my story, I will create the space for others to do the same and stand on my shoulders.

NR: You’ve talked about how many people you’ve met come from all walks of life, all across the ranges of age, orientation, body type, and you’ve used these examples to illustrate that sexual confidence doesn’t come only to those who are young, fit and beautiful. However, gaining confidence can be especially hard to those with poor body image. As a woman who’s warred with her weight for the years, how were you able to embrace your own body?

PM: This is an ongoing process even to this day. For me, it was about allowing in pleasure just as I was. Not waiting until some day. Once I allowed my imperfect body to give me pleasure, I became much more accepting of who I was. I began to feed my body what it needed, and it was less hungry for other things. And through this process, transformation occurred.

NR: While sexual openness is slowly becoming more mainstream, many people are still afraid to truly examine their own desires, and may be too embarrassed or unsure how to contact a sex educator such as yourself. What do you think is the best support or education system for people who are willing to learn, but unsure how to begin?

PM: It’s always helpful to use the Internet and begin a careful search. There are well-regarded sites such as The Association of Reproductive Health Professionals that have great sex information. Plugging in terms such as Tanta, Sexological Body Work, and Sacred Sexuality can open up reasonable channels of inquiry that can stay private and quiet. At the same time, these thoughts or desires aren’t as unusual as one might think. It’s liberating to discover that for yourself.

NR: As a mother of two, you must have dealt with the concept of the birds and the bees with your children. How, though, do you think that the concept of embracing sexuality and sexual liberation should be introduced to our younger generations, and more importantly, when?

PM: All kids are different. But generally speaking, I think it’s important to tell our kids that sex is normal, and sexy thoughts are healthy and pleasurable. Whatever we can do to remove sexual shame from our children is an incredible gift. I also think it is important to communicate to our children that their sexuality belongs to them – and no one else.

NR: Our thanks to you, Pamela, for sharing your memoir with us and giving us a peek into SHAMELESS: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home In Time to Cook Dinner. Now our readers have the chance to ask you their own questions. Just click on the "Comments" link below.

Becoming Thankful and Grateful

When you're a member of the Sandwich Generation, it's not easy to take care of your family in flux - growing children and aging parents. With all the stresses you face daily, preparing for Thanksgiving may seem like another added burden. But this year, why not make a plan to bring some new traditions to your holiday table which will lower your levels of stress and raise the levels of meaning for the whole family?

In your busy life, sometimes it's hard to focus on what you are thankful for but once you do, you can begin to acknowledge the part others play in your happiness. A leader the field of Positive Psychology, Dr. Marty Seligman studies what brings Authentic Happiness to your life. He has created questionnaires to help you recognize your gratitude, optimism, strength, compassion and love as well as techniques to increase your positive emotions. Here are some steps to help you get started in looking at your gratitude:

Begin to consciously notice what brings you joy. Strange as it may sound, you'll need to actually set aside time to pay attention to what you are experiencing when you are feeling happy and grateful. Awareness is the first step toward creating any change.

Count your blessings. Each evening, note three things that happened during the day for which you are thankful. Be specific as you describe what happened to you. It could be a loving conversation with your partner, a hug from your teenage daughter, a lunch date with an old friend.

Re-live and savor each of these events. Spend time re-creating in your mind the happiness of the experience. You will feel your body becoming more relaxed, your emotions more positive and your thoughts more focused. The joys of life are not only in present activities but also in remembering pleasurable occasions you have already experienced.

Think about what you did to open yourself to these moments. Then decide to direct your actions to include more of these delights in your life. Recognizing your own personal power will strengthen your belief in yourself as well as your willingness to consider the part others play in your happiness.

Realize why this piece of good fortune came your way. It will help you identify the people you're grateful to have in your life. You can then thank them for playing a part in improving your world.

Deciding to focus on giving thanks means a whole new mindset. When you count your blessings - at Thanksgiving or any time during the year - you can act on the gratitude you experience and live a rich life no matter what else is going on around you.

Thanksgiving is More Than Turkey Day

With Thanksgiving just a week away, are you busy making shopping lists, planning menus and creating seating charts? What about also setting aside some time to reflect? Think about the people, experiences and circumstances for which you are thankful. The stress of preparing for the holidays sometimes stands in the way of focusing on all we have to be thankful for - so take a deep breath and step back for a moment to relish, with gratitude, the gifts of family and friends. To help you begin, you'll find some tips for reducing holiday stress on our website.

Even with a difficult economy, we can still find a lot to be grateful about, especially during the holidays, when families and friends traditionally draw together. Let a heartfelt 'thank you' be your mantra during this season - you can do it without making a dent in your budget. And, having just observed Veterans Day, please remember those serving our country, who are far away from home during these holidays.

As we pay more attention to the contributions of others and learn not to take good things for granted, we are more aware of all we have to be thankful for. And conveying your gratitude can help you feel happier as well as the person you thank. Sonja Lyubomirsky and other psychologists studying happiness have found that after expressing gratitude you'll experience more contentment and improved self-esteem as well as closer connections - you'll even sleep more soundly.

If you decide to express your appreciation for what you have by giving back to your larger community, you can check your local paper or the Internet to find out what the needs are. Some families are adding a new Thanksgiving tradition this year by volunteering at a homeless shelter, serving a holiday meal at a soup kitchen, preparing or driving dinners through a meals-on-wheels program, or visiting those in hospitals and nursing homes who aren't able to celebrate with family. Talk with your family and friends about what they'd like to do.

Visit us again later this week when we'll have some tips about how to focus on reducing your stress and acknowledging your gratitude as you get ready for Thanksgiving this year.

Time for Me

With summer drawing to a close, the kids going back to school and the vacation luggage back to the basement, are you wondering what changes Labor Day will bring? If you're torn between work and family - or family and you - how can you find the balance between your varied roles without accumulating any more guilt along the way?

No matter what challenges you face in your career and at home with children growing up and parents growing older, it's not selfish to set aside time for you. Vow to put your feet up and think about yourself for once. What brings you happiness? What relieves the stress you face every day? What will bring a sense of harmony to your life?

It's time to let go of the part you have played as the 'good girl,' responding to the needs of others first, and for once, listen to your own voice, quiet as it may be. Schedule in some private time and do something that gives you pleasure - take a walk by the water, enjoy the beauty of a sunset, immerse yourself in a good book. Think of this as a personal retreat that provides the opportunity to reconnect with and re-center yourself.

Recognize that it is healthy to receive as well as to give. Ask for what you need from your family members and seek out professionals for their expertise and guidance. You don't have to do everything yourself. Let your spouse, children and siblings know exactly how you feel, what you want from them, and how they can do their share. Taking help when it is offered doesn't diminish your abilities.

Guilt runs rampant among women, who often worry that they're not doing enough for their loved ones. Remind yourself that you're dancing as fast as you can, given the realities of your life situation. You don't have to be the perfect mother, daughter, wife or grandmother. Set your own reasonable standards rather than falling in the trap of trying to live up to others' expectations.

As you decide to take better care of you, you'll discover the strength to find balance in life. Develop a firm core within yourself - it will sustain you as you continue to nurture your growing and changing family. Look for more tips to help you nurture yourself on our website, HerMentorCenter.

And continue the discussion with us on Wednesday as we host Donna Henes, author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. "Mama Donna," as she is affectionately called, will be here to answer your questions about recognizing the wisdom and power you have achieved - and the liberation that comes with it in your prime.

Creating Happiness

It has been over ten years since I retired from my fulltime practice and spent three months doing volunteer work and traveling in Southeast Asia. The best part of my trip was spending time in the remote Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan. It was their monarch who defined the concept of Gross National Happiness (GNH) to measure quality of life. And Bhutan is the only country in the world that puts happiness and general well-being at the heart of its government policy. Read this article in Business Week and find out about the other happiest countries.The Bhutanese distinguish four pillars of GNH: sustainable development, cultural integrity, ecosystem conservation and good governance. Their Buddhist ideals demonstrate how material and spiritual development can complement and reinforce each other. This tiny nation of less than 700,000 inhabitants is totally isolated and among the least populated in the world. And it is situated between two of the most densely populated countries, India and China.

Some North American scientists argue that happiness is largely determined by genetics, health and other factors mostly outside of our control. Other experts think that we're all hard wired and stay at a certain level of happiness. They say that, with this set point, no matter whether we win the lottery or have a devastating accident, within a year of the event we return to a familiar emotional level.

But recent research suggests that we can actually take charge of our own happiness and that a large portion of it is within our power to change. Log on Wednesday and Friday of this week - we'll be sharing lots of ideas that you may want to put into practice to boost your sense of well-being. There will also be more terrific photos, thanks to our friend and colleague, Marilee Karlsen.

If you want to get a head start on feeling happier, browse around our website, HerMentorCenter.com, and read this article about dealing with common unhappiness. And why not sign our email list to the left of this post? You can download a free ebook about how to reach your goals and receive our free monthly newsletter with tips about how to create change in your life.

Optimize Your Opportunities after January Blues

Not only are we into a new month and a new year, but also into a new decade. What will the '10's bring for you? Now is the time to set the tone for this time in your life.

Turn crises into challenges and challenges into opportunities. Don't become overwhelmed. Instead, use this time to research things you want to do and changes you want to make. Remember that although you can't control what happens to you, you can control how you handle it. Think about the consequences of your decisions before you make a change. If you are unhappy with your current job, consider what you can do to make it more interesting and engaging.

Express gratitude for what you have. It may sound simple, but as you've heard many times, "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have." What are the things and people in your life that you are grateful for? You'll find that when you increase your awareness of these positives, you'll be less likely to experience feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

Look outside yourself to those in need. Studies have found that when you perform acts of kindness and giving to those who have less, you feel happier yourself. Around the holidays numerous organizations sent out requests for financial donations but all year long they need volunteers to help staff their programs. Consider what best fits your interests, abilities and schedule - then make your contribution with your feet.

To cope with financial issues, make plans that won't further impact your budget or credit card debt. In the current recession, many families are enjoying activities such as potlucks with friends, visits to local museums, taking daylight walks, borrowing a good book from the library. Make it a game to be creative in your quest for low-cost entertainment.

For some pointers on how to encourage and express gratitude, click on the post title above. It links you to our article, Five Steps to Gratitude Despite a Tough Economy, found, among others helpful to Sandwiched Boomers, on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com.

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, we Sandwiched Boomers may be wondering why Cupid is always portrayed as a baby - we know that real love is quite grown up, thank you. Mature love has more to do with the enduring bond created by years of partnering than by the quick prick of an arrow. Building on shared experiences, mutual acceptance and a healthy interdependence, love among Sandwich Generation Boomers is dynamic and yet ultimately stable at the same time. Studies have shown that the longer a couple is married, the less likely they are to become divorced.

When couples have dealt with the myriad of life's challenges over the years, they come away with a deep understanding of what is important in the long run and what is just a minor issue. This knowledge gives them greater flexibility in resolving conflicts that may torpedo the relationships of younger couples. Rather than concentrating on how to get the most for oneself out of the relationship, the focus instead becomes "how can I increase my partner's joy and happiness."

As Sandwiched Boomers, we recognize the time limits of our changing relationships - with both our aging parents and our growing children. This realization allows us appreciate and savor the continuing long-term relationship we have with a life partner. So don't worry if your spouse doesn't gift you with flowers, candy or a teddy bear this Valentine's Day - you know in your heart that he is there every day with his love and appreciation.

A new study that was discussed on the Today Show indicates that happiness, in large measure, derives from the quality of our relationships. Although we all know that may very well be true, during life transitions stressors can take their toll.

Some eventual disruption in longterm relationships is not uncommon - often initiated by changes in the shared environment or by a more subjective and internal process. what kind of feelings come up as you assume new roles and relinquish the ones that have defined you in the past?

Are you facing an empty nest and trying to adjust to changes in your identity? When your last child moves out, you experience a cascading and wide range of emotions: sadness, the need to hold on, fear, a sense of freedom, the desire to begin the next chapter of your life. Discussing how you feel with your partner and listening to what he has to say can bring you closer during this period of adjustment.