Helicopter Parents Following Kids to College

Precisely who are these Helicopter Parents? They're the ones who pay such close attention to their children's experiences and problems that it's smothering. And when these over-protecting parents are fearful or worried and restrictive, their kids often become too dependent and doubt themselves. Over time, they don't have the life skills to assess risks, make decisions and take care of themselves.

And what about the parents, themselves? This Washington Post article, written by sociology professor Dr. Margaret Nelson, is called Helicopter Moms Heading for a Crash. She says this parenting style, which she calls "highly personalized care," is extremely time consuming and emotionally demanding, sometimes at the expense of the rest of a busy mom's life.

Such over-parenting can produce children who experience a delayed adolescence and, when the time comes, are not ready to leave home. This can be particularly apparent during the transition from home to college life. Some professors and administrators describe parents' attempts to smooth out obstacles, to the extent that they play an active part in choice of college, roommate and classes.

You may want to look around CollegeConfidential.com, a site that offers all kinds of information and support related to college. The forums for parents contain extensive discussions about the pros and cons of parental involvement in this process.

Of course, we've all had situations where giving up control was an issue, and there can be a multitude of reasons - because protecting our kids becomes automatic over time, we think we know what's best for them, it's not easy to let go of old familiar roles. So if you find yourself hovering, not sure where to draw the line, some of these tips may help you back off:

Being too directive fosters reliance. You may want to be involved with their class assignments, extra curricular activities or job searches. But this is the time when developing decision-making skills is paramount to a strong sense of self.

As they make more of their own decisions, let them deal with the consequences. Be supportive as they negotiate roommate disputes and dating dilemmas. Learning how to cooperate, compromise and accept disappointment are all part of the college experience.

Technology makes it too easy to stay connected. If it feels satisfying to both of you, establish a middle ground. Let them know that you’re there if they really need you but don’t enable their dependency.

Be sure that parents' weekend is on your agenda. During these activities, you'll be able to commiserate with other parents who understand how you're feeling. And meeting with the teachers and administrators is the best way to find out what's going on.

Discover what you feel passionate about. Follow your dream of changing jobs, going to school or volunteering. Join a hiking group or exercise class. Take up bridge or yoga. Now is the time to put you front and center for a change.

There are always two sides to every story. Here's an article from the new NBC website, FamilyGoesStrong.com, that speaks to the need for greater family support in tough economic times. So many adult children have college loans to repay or can't get a job and, according to recent statistics, more of them are moving home than leaving.

Apparently the 20s are the new adolescence and adult children are marrying later. The Today Show interviewed mom, Geri Brin, and her 31 year old son, Colby. She wants to play cupid and is taking a more active role in partner selection - and it's OK with him. She has added a dating component to her website, FabOverFifty. Although some may see that as meddling, Geri says she's just casting a wider net.

We've had a lot of fun this week, exploring separation and individuation within the family. Now it's your turn. Let us hear your thoughts, from helicopter parenting to free range kids and beyond - we know you're out there!

The Empty Nest and the Sandwich Generation

For those of you in the Sandwich Generation, there are lots of circumstances that lead to an empty nest - your growing children moving to college, moving away to take a job or moving into marriage or a committed life with a partner. And any of these situations may require major role shifts for all the family.

Watch the video below about a transition that unfortunately resulted in problems for everyone. But if you read the August blog posts we suggest, you'll see that that there are solutions.



Accept your ambivalence about the empty nest. Discuss your situation with friends who care about what you're going through. You'll discover that you have a lot in common and that they feel the same about their own experiences. That can be validating and comforting. Practice letting go. Try to visualize one door closing and another door opening.

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com and an article about what you can learn from President Obama's Mother-in-law. Then, at the top lefthand corner of that article, you'll see "Return to Home Page." Click on that and then on Newsletter Library and Nourishing Relationships for more tips about adapting to other role changes.

Irritable Male Syndrome

Does it seem as if your partner is on an emotional roller coaster? In a funk or bad mood at least several times a week? According to mental health experts on the Today Show, he may have irritable male syndrome.

This can be a problem in your relationship - especially if he doesn't want to talk about it. And you can chalk this up to one more male/female difference. Whereas women want to discuss how they're feeling, men often internalize or hold in their emotions.

Your partner may not even know that he's sulking. If he gets mad about a trivial matter, it may represent something else going on. Don't pry and nag, or try to pamper and mother him. Notice what triggers the moods, let him know you're there if he wants to talk, and give him what he needs - which is most likely some space!

That frees you up from having to figure out what to do for him. But if you want to learn more about how to beat the blues - for yourself - click on the title of this post. And talk to us about what's going on - we're here for you!

Boomers and Stress

Best selling author Ann Coulter is hitting the airwaves, talking about her new controversial book, "Guilty." On the Today show this morning, she told Matt Lauer that most of society's problems are a result of children being raised by single mothers. Although her attitude was abrasive and divisive, she does have a point.

The breakdown of the family is a serious problem and, in these tough economic times, the divorce rate is on the rise. Here are some tips to share with friends and family under stress and struggling in their marriages:

Give your relationship the gift of time. Create moments of calm and pleasure in celebration of your relationship. Feel more treasured as you watch the dividends of your emotional investment grow.

Invite your partner to set aside an afternoon to spend together. Plan an activity that you'll enjoy: rent a bicycle built for two, leave work early and meet at a museum, enjoy a picnic lunch at the park. Take a long cut. Stretch out the event itself and make it last.

Create a romantic and intimate evening at home. This has likely been on your 'to do' list for a long time, so here's your chance to make it happen, time and again. Turn on soft music, build a fire, light the candles. Cook a gourmet dinner together and share that bottle of wine you've been saving for a special occasion.

The pressure on relationships can come from a variety of sources. Click on the title above and read an article about what to look out for. And share this post with others who are important to you.

Emotional support is a major theme for Sandwiched Boomers. And today we salute the parents who are at the Beijing Olympics, watching their emerging adult children spread their wings as they compete. With 3 gold medals and 3 world records under his belt already, everyone is talking about Michael Phelps. On the Today show, his mother and sisters discussed the roller coaster ride - the ups and downs, the pressure, the racing hearts, and then the ultimate excitement. His mother described the pool as Michael's office and knows that he's working to perform at his highest level.

The Phelps family epitomizes all families. What are your dreams and who are your heroes? How are you taking each race as it comes? What kind of support are you giving? And how are you pulling for your kids so that they're free to give the best performance that they can?

An AARP representative, interviewed on the Today Show, highlighted the financial pressures on the Sandwich Generation - struggling to pay for their kids' college education and, at the same time, helping support their aging parents. That's another concrete reason why you may be fighting inertia. Read on for some final tips on getting started again.

Make a public commitment to family members who want to see you succeed. By telling others about your intentions, you create a stronger reality that will keep you feeling motivated. Engage friends in your pursuit of getting into better shape – talk with a friend at work and make a pledge to hit the gym together three times a week.

Notice and savor your newfound power. Positive reinforcement is a major tenet of any behavior modification program. So reward yourself for a job well done - choose an activity that nurtures you, like a massage or a trip to the spa. This sort of attitude will sustain you as well as promote greater self care – and as your goals take shape, you'll shape up.

Take it slow and easy. With so much on your plate, it's normal to feel overwhelmed and not know where to begin. If some days you make plans and can't follow through, don't let frustration sap your enthusiasm.

Remember all those New Year's resolutions you made when you were younger and didn't know better? And think about the inertia that followed the failure of your short-lived goals. Don't fall victim to that kind of logic. Look well beyond the present moment – and resolve that you are making progress, that you are getting closer to your goals and that every day is a new opportunity.

A new study that was discussed on the Today Show indicates that happiness, in large measure, derives from the quality of our relationships. Although we all know that may very well be true, during life transitions stressors can take their toll.

Some eventual disruption in longterm relationships is not uncommon - often initiated by changes in the shared environment or by a more subjective and internal process. what kind of feelings come up as you assume new roles and relinquish the ones that have defined you in the past?

Are you facing an empty nest and trying to adjust to changes in your identity? When your last child moves out, you experience a cascading and wide range of emotions: sadness, the need to hold on, fear, a sense of freedom, the desire to begin the next chapter of your life. Discussing how you feel with your partner and listening to what he has to say can bring you closer during this period of adjustment.