2012 Graduates: Moving back Home

This year over 1.75 million students will walk across the stage to pick up a diploma. College seniors everywhere are anticipating graduation and their parents are thinking about words of wisdom to impart. With the scarcity of jobs and school loans due, it may be harder than ever for these kidults to engage in adult roles. If your brand new graduates are about to boomerang back home, here’s some practical insight to share:

Face uncertainty with a positive attitude. You can’t change the slow economic recovery but you can have control over how you handle it. Of course, you feel frustrated that you don’t have a job or anxious about the future - these reactions are common and normal. But try to face your feelings directly as you explore the circumstances that will work for you.

Take control of your situation. It'll help you gain perspective and focus when you spend some time identifying your inner strengths and external resources. If you know that what you want is within your reach keep going after it, no matter how hard it is. Be sure to recognize the difference between what you can manage and what you can't.

Turn to those who support you. Family and friends care about you and you can count on them to cheer you on. They’ll be there to help because they love you and want to see you succeed. And remember, as you move ahead, you don’t have to do it alone - ask for help whenever you need it.

Make a public commitment. Talk with others about your present intentions and you’ll create a strong reality that will motivate you. As you begin to set and reach short term objectives for longer range goals, you’ll become even more determined. Although there may be stumbling blocks along the way, don’t give up.

Please click on ‘comments’ below to share your pearls of wisdom. And join us again on Wednesday – we’ll have more practical tips for your recently minted graduates.

Teen Daughters and Conversion Disorders

Are your daughters feeling the pressures of adolescence? Parents at Le Roy Junior-Senior High School in upstate New York are still concerned, months later, as their teens continue to experience verbal outbursts, involuntary movements and tics. Although Sigmund Freud first described this combination of symptoms as Mass Hysteria, the difficult to diagnose condition is now known as Conversion Disorder.

It’s a rare condition with both psychological and neurological factors. These young women are left frustrated, behind in school and socially isolated. Not able to live a normal life, families want answers for these psychologically triggered yet real sensory and motor symptoms.

After an investigation and a battery of health, soil and environmental tests, the Le Roy administration and state health officials report no known environmental or infectious cause. Some speculate that, in essence, the brain makes the body sick. And there may be a combination of underlying causes: a history of trauma or abuse, pre-existing anxiety or stress, a personality that is highly suggestible.

In this situation, a high school cheerleader woke up from a nap one day with uncontrollable tics and stuttering. Known as the bellwether, a key group member can exhibit behavior that deviates from the norm, and then others develop similar symptoms. It’s not unlike other adolescent reactions, even bullying or suicide. The group's social status and close proximity, as well as the teenager’s need for acceptance and belonging, may foster unusual and dangerous conformity.

If you’re parenting teens, you’re probably not dealing with something as serious as conversion disorder. But adolescence is a developmental phase that’s full of potential pitfalls and no one gets through unscathed. Increased awareness and support can help your kids - these practical insights may be a good place to start:

Remember what it was like for you growing up. What did you do to bond with and feel accepted by the group? And how did you respond to peer pressure? Share your experiences with your kids and give them emotional support as they learn to manage their teen relationships.

Don't hide your concern. You really can't anyway. Your growing kids pick up signals from you even when you think you're protecting them. At the same time, don't burden them with pressures beyond their ability to handle them.

Keep the lines of communication open. Discuss what they're worried about, as you come face to face with your own fears. The more you are able to discuss the strains affecting all of you, the better you can begin to cope with them.

From Beatlemania to Mass Hysteria

Since the early 1960s, there hasn’t been any phenomenon quite like the Beatles, who were dearly loved by their female fans. Until today, that is. The UK boy band, One Direction, is creating a media frenzy during their US tour. Thousands of screaming teenage girls are always on hand, just trying to catch a glimpse of the group. If you saw the crowds you would think it was mass hysteria.

The way girls are socialized, coupled with hormonal changes and peer pressure, can impact fan behavior. As parents, hopefully you’re just dealing with love struck teens, groupie attitudes and loud music. But if your teenage daughters are facing more serious emotional conflicts, here are some tips that may help:

Promote a positive outlook. Encourage your kids to be aware of and develop their internal strengths. And support them in setting goals that will move them forward. You’ll see that focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel will help reduce their anxiety.

Initiate stress-reducing activities. Regular exercise like jogging or biking releases endorphins and can elevate their mood. Yoga and deep breathing brings about greater relaxation. And time at the gym will not only make them feel better but increase the socialization that is so healing for teens.

Maintain structure and continuity. By stabilizing the environment with a familiar routine, they'll feel less unsure of themselves and more secure. Direct them toward good role models. And as you model hopeful thinking and support their positive actions, eventually they will thrive.

You can scroll back to Monday's post and read about the teen girls from Le Roy Junior-Senior High School in upstate New York who are still struggling with Conversion Disorder.

Sandwich Generation: Self Care for the Holidays

As card carrying members of the Sandwich Generation, do you ever come first in your long list of daily responsibilities? Make an exception over the week between Christmas and New Years. Take some well-deserved time just for you.

Photo courtesy of Nina Matthews Photography - Flickr.com

Ask for what you need. Pronounce the Christmas meal potluck and don't feel guilty about it. If they insist, let your family help with the dishes after the holiday dinner. Accept your friend's offer to bring an appetizer - or even the main course - to the New Year's Eve party. Everyone will be glad to play a more active role and you'll have more time and energy to participate in the festivities.

Give yourself a break. Arrange for your out of town guests to stay in a hotel - it actually may be a relief for all of you, and the beginning of a welcome new holiday tradition. Instead of worrying about all the desserts you've consumed, use that energy to take a brisk walk in the park. Or pay off some debt rather than taking the family on an expensive outing; they will understand and grow from the experience.

Find emotional support. Are you facing the challenges of college kids coming home, integrating new in-laws into the family, caring for the growing needs of your parents or all of the above? Take a deep breath and call a friend. Share your feelings about what's going on in your family. Relish in getting it off your chest, some positive feedback, a different perspective or a good laugh.

Give yourself a stress-free IOU and relax into the idea of some peace of mind. You really don't have to deal with the mall mob scene. This season give the gift of time together to your family members, and tell them it's the perfect gift to give back to you. It's a present that will let you all know how much each other cares, and it's sure to be the right size. Have a joyous and relaxing holiday season!

Sandwiched Boomers and the Gift of Time

As a Sandwiched Boomer caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, perhaps you're feeling under more pressure this week. The days are flying by and there's still so much to do for the holidays. And you may not be finished shopping for your Hanukah, Christmas or Kwanzaa presents. How about a few more ideas that won't break the bank?

Photo by Brainedge - Flickr.com

Give of yourself. Enjoy time with your friends by inviting them over for an evening of fun. Organize a potluck and have them bring their signature dish. Cut down on expenses by exchanging memories instead of presents. Or express yourself and create some of your holiday gift items. Make a coupon book filled with orders for good deeds. Add a personal touch by baking and decorating cookies with the kids. Show others you care with an IOU to babysit so they can have a much needed night out.

Give to yourself. Take some down time over the holidays and get comfortable with you. For a couple of hours each day, try not to focus on your problems. Curl up with a great book from the library, watch the ballgame with your teens or take your grandkids to the park. Enjoy peace of mind by paying down your debts. Hold back from buying lots of gifts or taking the family on an expensive outing. Decide together how to spend a fun and relaxing day. Your family will understand and grow from the experience.

The holidays don't always have to look like a Norman Rockwell painting.

You create more stress if you stick only to old routines and traditions. Try not to operate on automatic pilot. Begin to lay the groundwork for change in your gift giving rituals. As you can see, it doesn't have to cost you anything but time. And when money is tight and life is challenging, connection and support can mean the most.

It will be a gift to yourself when you recreate the joy of simpler days. Small changes can represent a new beginning. Take heart as you give a little that feels like a lot. And in these hard times, that's a good lesson for all of us.

Single on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a special time to express romantic love. But it can also put pressure on those who, every other day of the year, are perfectly fine with their single status. You may feel lonely on this day and worried that you don't have the motivation to do what's in your best interests.

Photo by Keattikorn

When you love your life you're better able to control how you handle Valentine's Day. Follow these practical tips and put this one day a year in perspective:

Give yourself an emotional break and watch what happens. With a deep breath, release any negative thoughts you have about not being in a relationship. Actively dispute the notion that you are unworthy or unattractive. Choose an affirmation that rings true for you - I'm fine just the way I am; my life is full of those who care about me - and repeat it out loud, with conviction and often.

Take a step back and trust your instincts. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance about where you are right now. As you recognize your strengths, focus on why you're happy with who you are and what's important to you. Be sure that you're integrating your core values and personal ideals into how you live your life.

Pay attention to the positives in your relationships. Notice who you enjoy spending time with and what about them brings you pleasure. And remember that your personal character and qualities make them want to be your friends. Relax into your friendships as you enjoy fuller and deeper conversations.

Connect often with others. Going out with a group of colleagues can sometimes be more fun than a date. And having support is especially important when you're feeling down. You can bring more intimacy into your circle of friends. Be willing to reveal your opinion and needs so that others have access to your inner world. And encourage them to do the same with you.

Lower your expectations about today. Actually, there really is no perfect day, so relax. Be realistic and proactive. You can take the lead and make a plan - organize a potluck dinner or a hike in the hills. The wonderful memories you create will last long after the day is over.

Make the most of today. And log on again Wednesday for more tips about how to have less stress around Valentine's Day.

Boomer Women's Friendships Can Be Complicated

As boomer women in the sandwich generation who are caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, your life may be full of challenges - especially in this tough economy. In times of need, who is it that you turn to?

Whether you need a friend in your court who really understands or one who has your best interests at heart, these tips may help you get what you're looking for:

Receive as well as give support. Perhaps it's hard for you to ask for help if you’re the one who usually provides it. You may think that your strength in coping comes from not needing to depend on others. Friends buffer the effects of distress as well as provide meaning and purpose when you're feeling upset. But they can support you only if you let them in. So try on the behavior. Gaining the courage to reach out can actually enhance your sense of self.

Women’s relationships can be complicated. No one friend can meet all of your needs all of the time. Notice if what you expect from each other tends to lead to misunderstandings. Be straightforward and confront conflicts head-on. And if you're feelings get hurt, talk about it before resentments build.

Lower your expectations. Relationships change throughout life but that doesn't mean they have to end. Recognize that, with balancing work and family, certain standards may be hard to maintain. But other influences for both of you can enrich your friendship, if you're willing to be realistic and patient.

Want more information on this subject? Here's an article in the Huffington Post by Dr. Irene Levine, who wrote Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. And this one is about the physical and psychological benefits of friendship.

Here's the Home Page of our website, HerMentorCenter.com. Look at the menu on the lefthand side of the page and spend some time in the Newsletter Library, Family Relationships and Video Library. If you sign up for our free newsletter, you can download a complimentary ebook about how to reach your goals. And for only $2.45, why not buy our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success? There's lots of practical and easy to use tips on our site just waiting for you!

The Haitian Earthquake: Emotional Support and Personal Strength

If you're like so many Haitians and have recently suffered the death of a loved one, you can take control of what's within your reach. It may not be easy, but you have the wisdom to know the difference between what you can manage and what you can't. Try to get support from family, friends, your spiritual community, a therapist or a bereavement group. Make the decision to ask for help whenever you need it - you don't have to do it all alone.

Make a public commitment to those who want to see you do well. Tell others about your intentions and create a strong reality that will keep you motivated. Re-establish routine in your life, both at work and with family. As you set new long range goals and short term objectives, commit to a process of change - and then move forward, one small step at a time.

Primarily rely on your own instincts. Believe in what you’re doing to heal yourself. Maintain firm boundaries and talk honestly about how you're feeling. Realize your hidden internal strength as you trust yourself and look inside for answers. Emotional discomfort can become an opportunity - it serves as an invitation to grow.

Solitude itself provides a chance to emotionally revitalize. Rejuvenate your spirits with whatever works - listen to music that stirs your soul or curl up with a book that engages your fantasies. Learn to feel more positive through regular meditation or yoga practice. Every night, before you go to bed, write affirmations about what is still good in your life. And log on again tomorrow for more tips that can help you begin to heal after loss.

The Masks that Hide You fromYour Partner

As members of the Sandwich Generation facing the challenges of aging parents and growing children, there's often not enough time or energy left to attend to your love relationship. During such stressful periods, problems in your marriage can seem insurmountable. And perhaps it feels like a masquerade. As hard as it may be, take off your masks and try to understand what each other is feeling. Make a commitment to talk honestly about what's going on and what you can do to change the situation. Recreate balance so you can nurture this most important relationship - you won't regret it.

Accept the changes both of you are making. By redefining your relationship, you will begin to feel more connected. And as your relationship grows, you will both be able to go from being afraid of your future to feeling excited about what’s ahead.

Seek out the support you need, often. It can be difficult to do it alone. Spend time with friends who understand what you're going through or who have had similar circumstances. See a couples therapist or talk with family members whose opinions you respect and trust.

Scroll down to "Comments" on the lower righthand corner of this post and share your relationship tips with our readers. And click on the title of this post to learn more about Boomer Couples and Re-examining Your Relationship.

Senator Ted Kennedy's Family: Challenges Ahead

Perhaps Senator Kennedy's life situation was more complicated than yours. And you may not have to live up to that kind of a legacy. But as Sandwiched Boomers, with so many family responsibilities, you have your share of crises and challenges. What follows are practical tips to help you face them.



Realize the importance of reaching out. The emotional support of others when you need encouragement can help you make it through what seems like an impossible situation. Confide in friends and family as you work through the difficulties. A second and objective opinion from a spiritual advisor or therapist can provide you gain insight and direction.

Evaluate the situation without overreacting or putting your head in the sand. Pay attention to what’s going on around you. Yet avoid getting caught up in a pessimistic mindset that can result in higher levels of anxiety and poor decision making. Remain calm and stay focused on what you need to do.

Clicking on the title of this post will take you to HerMentorCenter.com. There you'll find more ideas in an article entitled How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge.

Sandwiched Boomers, Support and Resilience

With the challenges she's facing, Elizabeth Edwards has got to be struggling on many levels. Studies indicate that support and resilience are significant factors related to stress reduction. As sandwiched boomers, with parents and children looking to you for guidance, you're likely no stranger to stress. Here are tips that may help you bounce back:

It's important to keep communication open and honest. You may not want to face what’s going on directly, hoping that everything will be OK. But this way of coping can look to others like you’re not interested. Try to talk things over before anyone in the family begins to feel upset, misunderstood or angry. Practice the conversational etiquette and active listening skills that you know well.

If you have negative feelings, consider whether you’re overly sensitive or easy to anger - and what that may be about. Express yourself and then let go of any resentment. Learn to forgive and to apologize for any mistakes you’ve made. Holding on just makes it worse for everyone involved.

How Sandwiched Boomers Can Prevent Divorce

As sandwiched boomers, you and your partner are individuals who each have a mind of your own. What you want may have changed since you first tied the knot. And the present economic meltdown probably adds to the pressures in the relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't make shifts that will relieve some of the stress. And you don't have to accept the possibility of divorce. By taking the first steps, you can help strengthen your partner's trust in you - and the future of your marriage.

Support each other. Instead of focusing on the negatives or going your separate ways, spend time discussing what you want from one other. Think about what would demonstrate true emotional commitment to you. Prove that you are on each other's side by deciding to change your attitude and behavior. Invest in your marriage's emotional bank account. Create excitement, pleasure and fun together - then take advantage of the dividends.

Teens Helping Each Other

We heard from a reader about a website that supports teen action. Check out www.dosomething.org/abuse, to see a video that's a response by teenagers to the Rihanna/Chris Brown problem.

The media continues to be on top of this issue and a spokeswoman on TV earlier this week sent a clear message to young people - this is about you and you need to separate the issue from the celebrities - look at the bigger picture. Violence is not normal or acceptable and you have to take responsibility for yourself.

As members of the sandwich generation, you've got your hands full. But take the time to turn your kids on to the website. Watch the video with them. Oprah Winfrey and president Obama are both strong advocates for informing and educating our youth. Click on the title above to read an article about Winfrey's support of Obama.

If your growing children are going through a rough time, help them recognize the value of support from others. Talking to friends and family can clarify their needs as they work through their feelings. Listening to a second or third objective opinion will provide them with further insight, direction and encouragement.

Where Nadya Suleman Can Find Support

All Nadya Suleman ever wanted was to be a mom: "I longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up.” She thinks that motherhood cured her depression. But child birth should not be used as a form of self- medication.

Knowledge is power. Use it to your advantage. Get information about ways to deal with how you're feeling - explore the Internet or the self-help section of bookstores. Think about the natural and logical consequences of the decisions you are making. Talk about how you are feeling with friends and family whose opinions you respect.

Support is a valuable tool - connect often. Accept the changes in your family, whatever they are, even if you feel caught in the crossfire. Find a class or workshop through your local university extension program or mental health center. Join an ongoing group or attend a weekend retreat to share concerns and gain new perspective.

You may be confused about what to do next. Don't be afraid to seek out a parenting coach or a family therapist. Although you may see yourself as a natural, this is a unique situation. Learning skills and techniques from experts can make a big difference and talking with someone outside of the family about your concerns and frustrations can be a lifesaver.

Sandwiched Boomers, where do you turn when you need some help?

What's the Story with Nadya Suleman?

You're Sandwiched Boomers with opinions that matter. Do you want to weigh in on the challenges that Nadya Suleman is facing? She's the 33 year old unemployed single mother who, last month, gave birth to octuplets conceived through in vitro fertilization.

Nadya grew up as an only child and had always dreamed of having a large family. Reporters, pundits and bloggers have called her irresponsible and selfish, as she already has six children under the age of seven at home. They say it takes more than love to care for eight babies, especially if you don't have a clear source of income or enough support to help raise them.

Suleman called her childhood dysfunctional and said she didn't have much control over her environment. But she's not alone. Almost everyone has some identity issues or feelings of powerlessness growing up.

This week we'll focus on tips that can help you take better care of your emotional self. If you want to read an article on www.HerMentorCenter.com about How to Turn a Crisis into a Challenge, click on the title above. And tune in tomorrow.

This season, with all the problems facing our country, Sandwiched Boomers may have to let go of the idea of a perfect holiday. But that's not so bad. Even though you may be stretched financially, it always feels good to be able to give of yourself. And you know there are plenty of others much worse off, right?

Volunteer at a place that could really use your help. Get the family or a group of friends together and spend a few hours at a homeless shelter. Bring some toys or warm clothes that are in good shape, and a big smile on your face.

Small changes can represent a new beginning. The holidays don't have to look like a Norman Rockwell painting. Take heart as you give a little that feels like a lot. And in these hard times, that's a good lesson for all of us.

For Sandwiched Boomers, the financial debacle precipitated losses on many levels besides the stock market. And with the holidays just around the corner, the crisis in confidence couldn't have come at a worse time. This week our blog's focus is on how the gift of connection with family and friends can help reduce holiday stress.

Stress is the body's response to any stimulus - external or internal - perceived as taxing personal resources. Think about what's going on for you. Does food become your comfort and challenge, eating the cookie dough instead of baking it? Is gift giving your major source of stress, as you search for the best holiday bargains? At the annual office party, will you be busy at the buffet table instead of networking?

You may be creating more stress for yourself by sticking to old routine and operating on automatic pilot. Symptoms of stress can creep up on you or appear suddenly at any time. Notice if you're feeling the pressure in any of the following ways:

Physiological - headaches, stomach upset

Emotional - feeling irritated, overwhelmed

Behavioral - overeating, physical withdrawal

Cognitive - trouble concentrating, memory loss

Log on all week for tips to manage stress that don't cost you anything except time. And let us hear about some ideas that work for you.

Ever since 1789 when President George Washington declared Thanksgiving a holiday, Americans have been going home. But it can be complicated when old family dynamics surface in the midst of the meal. This week we'll be addressing what the Sandwich Generation can bring to the table in order for the holiday to run smoothly.

Make a conscious decision to put aside misunderstandings. Realize that if you arrive at dinner with no complaints, an open mind and an accepting heart, you'll be in a better emotional place to enjoy the family time together.

Before the meal, begin a conversation about gratitude. Encourage your children and your parents to talk about what they are thankful for and how recognizing these kind of feelings can become a part of their daily lives.

Serve as a role model for your extended family. Pause to recognize the talents, skills and positive character traits of others. By openly acknowledging their personal strengths, you'll show your support as well as make them feel good about themselves.

Log in and share some of your ideas about what works for you and your family.

With the wildly fluctuating stock market - down well over 10% in the past five trading days - Sandwiched Boomers are looking for answers. Retirement funds are in jeopardy. And many are wondering how they will pay college tuition for their children, help their parents on a fixed income and ever be able to retire.

At times when we have no roadmap, avoid a panic reaction. It's important too rely on common sense. And a positive attitude is paramount. Rather than seeing the glass as half empty, turn your challenges into opportunities. Release your mind from worries, most of which likely won't happen. Take it one day at a time and accomplish what you can without dwelling on the 'what ifs.' Worrying takes a lot of time and energy – it's counterproductive and destroys your peace of mind.

If you're feeling gloomy in these roller-coaster times, invite friends over for a potluck dinner and have everyone bring their signature dish. Turn the conversation into a revival of spirit and share valuable information. Discuss innovative ways to save on groceries, to use less gas, to network for a new job. The support of family and friends may be the most significant factor in getting us through rough waters.

Todd and Barbara Bachman, whose daughter Elisabeth "Wiz" McCutcheon was a member of the U.S. women's volleyball team in the Athens summer games, were quintessential supporters of the sport. The first day of the Beijing Olympics, Todd died of a stabbing and Barbara was seriously injured by an attacker who tried to rob them and then committed suicide by jumping from the balcony of the ancient Drum Tower.

Elizabeth, a 2004 volleyball gold medalist, is married to the U.S. men's volleyball coach, Hugh McCutcheon. His first thought, when hearing the news of his in-laws, was how to get to his wife. As a coach at the Olympics, as well as a son-in-law, there was no question about what to do in the face of such a tragedy. His response was what others expected of him: "volleyball is my job, my family is my life." He left to support and comfort his wife.

McCutcheon did not return to work and chase what could have been an even more meaningful gold medal. But he phoned his team before the first game. Hearing Hugh's voice and getting leadership from him meant a lot to the players. And the volleyball community that loved the Bachmans rallied. The men's team took the floor with the victims' initials written on the backs of their shoes and said a silent prayer in memory of Todd Bachman. In a match that was much tougher than it should have been, the U.S. men's volleyball team won what turned out to be a bitter-sweet victory.