Improving Your Relationship for Valentine's Day

With research statistics still indicating that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce, you can beat the odds by resolving this Valentine's Day to work on improving your marriage.
Photo by Clare Bloomfield / Freedigitalphotos.net

Instead of letting your arguments spiral out of control, vow to use fair fighting techniques and put your differences behind you before you go to bed at night. Here are some tips to get you started:

Believe in your ability to change as a couple. When you make a pact to let go of old hurt feelings, you can focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. Trust that your love runs deep enough to support the work of strengthening it.

Focus on specific behaviors you would like your partner to change. Identify and prioritize particular actions that upset you and calmly talk about these. Be realistic about the ones you choose - focus on behaviors that your partner is able and willing to change.

Don't get stuck in past arguments. Agree not to fight the same battles over and over again. Either try to resolve them once and for all or agree to disagree. When you do, you can let go of your anger and begin the process of forgiveness.

Keep your communication open and honest. And be willing to cooperate and compromise about issues where you disagree. When you are able to deal with your anger and forgive your partner for mistakes he has made, you can both grow from the experience. And you'll feel better if you offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong.

Give compliments freely. Sometimes it seems easier to criticize and complain than to praise and acknowledge positive behavior. Instead, be more attentive to the actions you want to reinforce. When you are thinking something nice, say it out loud to your partner.

Invest in your partnership. Make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. The efforts that you put into growing and developing it will be returned in multiples. Use each other for support as you are going through the myriad challenges of life.

Create greater intimacy with your partner and keep up the romance. Remind each other why you fell in love. Set aside time to be together and focus on each other. Be free with your affection and warmth. Tap into your sensuality and find new ways of exploring and expressing your sexual relationship together.

Plan some exciting adventures to bring back the feelings of exhilaration you felt when you first feel in love. You can discover new activities you both like to do - take a class, travel, go on an outing. The thrill of a new discovery can release dopamine and bring more pleasure into your relationship, encouraging real intimacy between you.

Studies have shown that for couples in love there are surges in dopamine, the chemical of pleasure, and in oxytocin, the hormone of bonding. These encourage further closeness and provide the benefits of reducing stress, creating calm, suppressing pain and producing better immune functioning. Researchers have estimated that in about one-third of long-term marriages, couples have the same kind of brain responses to each other as do newly in love couples. So whether you've been together for years or are newly falling in love, enjoy the feelings of closeness and have a happy Valentine's Day.

Boomer Couples and Effective Communication

Did you know that June is effective communication month? And since our Virtual Book Tour this Thursday features Dr. Jed Diamond and his newly published book, Mr. Mean, the blog posts this week will be about how we talk and listen to each other.

Ready for your 'to do' list? When addressing a sensitive subject, talk about a specific outcome you would like to achieve. Be honest and direct about what you have to say. As your body language, content and tone of voice really matter, calibrate your emotions and monitor any negative comments. Try to take some responsibility by using "I-focused" statements and be clear that what you're saying is not necessarily universal but your own opinion.

Try to listen closely to your partner's response without planning a rebuttal. And look at the issues from their perspective, which may be very different from yours. If you can be empathic to their viewpoint by asking questions, both of you may be more open to understanding the other position. And what could be better than that?

If you're beginning to think about Father's Day, read more about effective communication on our website, HerMentorCenter.com, in an article entitled 'Father's Day, Boomer Men and Communication.' And while you're there, look around for other information that may interest you. The Library is full of articles with practical solutions to family problems.

Achieving Harmony on Valentine's Day

With research statistics still indicating that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce, you can resolve this Valentine's Day to work on improving your marriage. Instead of letting your arguments spiral out of control, vow to use fair fighting techniques and put your differences behind you before you go to bed at night. Here are some tips to get you started:

Believe in your ability to change as a couple. When you make a pact to let go of old hurt feelings, you can focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. Trust that your love runs deep enough to support the work of strengthening it.

Focus on specific behaviors you would like your partner to change. Identify and prioritize particular actions that upset you and calmly talk about these. Be realistic about the ones you choose - focus on behaviors that your partner is able and willing to change.

Don't get stuck in past arguments. Agree not to fight the same battles over and over again. Either try to resolve them once and for all or agree to disagree. When you do, you can let go of your anger and begin the process of forgiveness.

If you want to learn more tips about fair fighting, click on the post title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, Boomer Couples: 5 Tips for Fighting Fair.

The Masks that Hide You fromYour Partner

As members of the Sandwich Generation facing the challenges of aging parents and growing children, there's often not enough time or energy left to attend to your love relationship. During such stressful periods, problems in your marriage can seem insurmountable. And perhaps it feels like a masquerade. As hard as it may be, take off your masks and try to understand what each other is feeling. Make a commitment to talk honestly about what's going on and what you can do to change the situation. Recreate balance so you can nurture this most important relationship - you won't regret it.

Accept the changes both of you are making. By redefining your relationship, you will begin to feel more connected. And as your relationship grows, you will both be able to go from being afraid of your future to feeling excited about what’s ahead.

Seek out the support you need, often. It can be difficult to do it alone. Spend time with friends who understand what you're going through or who have had similar circumstances. See a couples therapist or talk with family members whose opinions you respect and trust.

Scroll down to "Comments" on the lower righthand corner of this post and share your relationship tips with our readers. And click on the title of this post to learn more about Boomer Couples and Re-examining Your Relationship.

Mothers-in-Law Change

Another reader of Nourishing Relationships has commented about how difficult the role of mother-in-law is: "As the mother of sons who adored bringing them up, I never realized until they married what difficult issues I'd face. I foolishly thought we would just widen our wonderful circle and they, my daughters-in-law, would join in the dance. I forgot, they had mothers and did not want another one! There's also the cultural piece, which takes a great deal of work and understanding when two cultures are involved. It is a real challenge, but we are working on it!"

Just as you have learned how to get along with your significant other over the years, you can try out new ways of responding to your son- and daughter-in-law. Some of the tools that have worked for you in other settings are similar to those that will help improve your relationship with your children-in-law. Here are some tips adapted to your role as a mother-in-law.

Learn more about your son- and daughter-in-law. Spend time with them hearing about, and even doing, what they like. This is even more important when they come from a different culture. When you are genuinely interested in them and their activities, you'll see them more as complete people rather than just in relation to you. And they'll be more likely to think about you positively.

Look at the issues from their perspective. This may help soothe your emotions when they don't see things as you do. Consider that there generally is more than one way of handling a situation and that your method isn't necessarily the only right one.

Focus on what you do like about your children-in-law rather than what you don't. What drew your child to fall in love and marry this person? Think about what he or she does to bring happiness to your child. What traits do you have in common with your son- or daughter-in-law? There are likely to be qualities you sincerely admire and respect in your DIL and SIL, if you allow yourself to brainstorm about them.

Choose your battles. When some difference of opinion is particularly important to you, you may decide to bring up your feelings and viewpoint for discussion. But don't feel you need to address every disagreement you have with your children and their spouses.

To review how you can be fair in communicating about your disputes, click on the title of this post to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, Boomer Couples: 5 Tips for Fighting Fair. And tune in tomorrow for more tips on enriching your relationship with your son- and daughter-in-law.

The oil paintings of women pictured on our blog this week were done by dear friend, Leslie Roth. To see more of her work, visit www.ianrothdesign.com/LeslieRoth.htm.