Sally Shields Chats with Our Readers

Yesterday, we enjoyed hosting Sally Shields, author of The Daughter-in-Law Rules on our blog. Here are some of our readers' questions and Sally's responses.

When Anita asked Sally how her mother-in-law reacted to reading about herself in the book, Sally recalled how it affected their relationship:

"There are 3 parts to that... first when she found out I was writing the book she said, "I know I can be a B....tch, Sally! I'm a Leo. But we're a lot a like, you know. Now go write a best-seller, or I'll kick your butt!"

Then, she read the book. And well, I wasn't welcome at Christmas time...

Lastly, we had it out... and we didn't hold back. She told me what she thought of me. I told her what I thought of her. We screamed and laughed, and she finally said, "You know, I think this probably all happened for a reason." Now, we are close!"

Another reader asked about how her relationship with her MIL changed when Sally had children.

"Well, that was incredible. There is nothing that she wanted more in the world than to have grandchildren. Once I got that, and made sure that she always feels included in all the little steps and milestones, I have seen a tremendous change in our relationship. This is such a joy for me to facilitate!"

One of our readers, a MIL and grandmother herself who works on her relationship with her DIL, wondered what Sally meant by, "I don't mind telling people what to do or how they should do it." Sally explained:

"You sound like such a sweet MIL... it's a very, very complicated relationship, and I feel it is largely the DIL's responsibility to make sure that her husband's mother feels like she is wanted, appreciated and part of their lives. So, that is my vision, to teach brides and wives the art of making friends with their husband's mother, so that years of needless contention can be avoided! The DIL needs schooling and that is what I set out to do with the DIL Rules.

Something else I'd like to add to that... when I say I don't mind telling people what to do or how they should do it, I mean, that I think a DIL should make sure to make her MIL feel special and appreciated by doing all the little things she can like never forgetting a b-day, making sure she calls her MIL once a week to ask how she's feeling, complimenting her and letting her know what a great job she did in raising her son, etc. These might seem like the presumed obvious, but they are little things that can easily get overlooked in the course of daily life. Because the MIL DIL relationship is often fraught with tension, there are so many things a DIL can do to avert misunderstandings and hurtful miscommunications. So that is what I mean by telling someone what to do... schooling and reminding the DIL that it is her job to reach out and make friends with her MIL!"

A daughter-in-law wanted help in dealing with her MIL who had complained that she was distant because the DIL didn't want to go to her home for Sunday dinner. Sally weighed in with her advice:

"Yes, this is the kind of stuff that happens, very normal... this relationship is already poised for misunderstandings and hurtfulness... that is why, we as DIL's have to work so hard to not be defensive and air more on the side of compassionate. From her perspective, she doesn't understand all those reasons. Maybe you can start calling her once a week, just to have a little chat, ask how she's feeling, etc. Or start with once every 3 weeks, whatever you can do, but make sure your husband isn't home. Tell her how excited you are to come to Sunday dinner! Be glad that you don't have to cook. Then, go. But not always - just now and then. But strike a balance, because you have compassion and do it happily for your husband. These are part of the RULES for a happy marriage!
Consider it a blessing that you don't have to cook. Then, help her with the dishes, and watch the magic happen!"

And Janet, with an idea for a book herself, asked Sally about her marketing efforts. Sally shared her experience:

"I did everything I could to learn how to market a book, then wrote a home-study course called Publicity Secrets Revealed: What Every PR Firm Doesn't Want Your to Know! You can check it out here: www.sallyshields.com/productsandservices

I also learned how to bring a book to the top of the Amazon charts, and got to #1 in Wedding showers, which opened up a LOT of doors, and I now teach authors how to do that as well. Please get in touch with me and I'd be happy to be your coach! Basically, I got on lots of radio and TV shows, did virtual book tours, article marketing, created sponsorship proposals (1-800-flowers created a full page ad in the back of the book) and things of this nature."

Our thanks again to Sally for her generosity in sharing with us. If you are a mother-in-law and want some more insight into how to get along better with your daughter-in-law, click on the post title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, From Baby Boomer to Mother-in-Law: How to Play Your New Role.

Mothers-in-Law Step Back

Our focus on the complex role of mother-in-law draws to a close today. We want to leave you with some more suggestions to keep in mind as you work on taking a step back - and taking lots of deep breaths as you do. Change is never easy but it may be especially difficult in this relationship given the complicated emotions and tensions that are percolating just below the surface. As issues boil up, everyone is affected - you, your grown children, their partners, your own spouse. While you can't control others' reactions, here are some tips to help you nourish yourself as a MIL as well as your family in flux.

There are some things you can't change, you just have to accept them. The relationship with your married children and their spouses may grow and develop as you all settle into your new roles, but you can only work on your behavior. Theirs may change but they may not. You can't make them act differently, even though you give it your best shot.

Remember, it's their life. It really is. Remember how it was with your own mother-in-law? You wanted to be your own person, make your own decisions and have her respect your choices. Why did you think it would be different with your daughter-in-law?

Be supportive of their partnership. Your children and their spouses have chosen to form bonds that, hopefully, will stand the test of time. Support them as they strengthen their connections. You may be tempted to turn to your child in your complaint about his or her spouse, but resist and don't do anything to come between them.

Don't rush things. Stay calm. Keep working on the relationship and it is likely that things will begin to change, even if ever so slightly. You have the wisdom and long-term perspective that you have cultivated over the years - draw on both as you patiently take one step at a time.

So, MILs, hang in there and don't give up. The challenge of creating a good relationship is well worth your efforts. And many mothers-in-law have found that as their children become confident parents themselves, the relationship changes for the better all around. Click on the post title to take you to an article on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, about how to get started making the changes you want, Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia.

Mothers-in-Law Change

Another reader of Nourishing Relationships has commented about how difficult the role of mother-in-law is: "As the mother of sons who adored bringing them up, I never realized until they married what difficult issues I'd face. I foolishly thought we would just widen our wonderful circle and they, my daughters-in-law, would join in the dance. I forgot, they had mothers and did not want another one! There's also the cultural piece, which takes a great deal of work and understanding when two cultures are involved. It is a real challenge, but we are working on it!"

Just as you have learned how to get along with your significant other over the years, you can try out new ways of responding to your son- and daughter-in-law. Some of the tools that have worked for you in other settings are similar to those that will help improve your relationship with your children-in-law. Here are some tips adapted to your role as a mother-in-law.

Learn more about your son- and daughter-in-law. Spend time with them hearing about, and even doing, what they like. This is even more important when they come from a different culture. When you are genuinely interested in them and their activities, you'll see them more as complete people rather than just in relation to you. And they'll be more likely to think about you positively.

Look at the issues from their perspective. This may help soothe your emotions when they don't see things as you do. Consider that there generally is more than one way of handling a situation and that your method isn't necessarily the only right one.

Focus on what you do like about your children-in-law rather than what you don't. What drew your child to fall in love and marry this person? Think about what he or she does to bring happiness to your child. What traits do you have in common with your son- or daughter-in-law? There are likely to be qualities you sincerely admire and respect in your DIL and SIL, if you allow yourself to brainstorm about them.

Choose your battles. When some difference of opinion is particularly important to you, you may decide to bring up your feelings and viewpoint for discussion. But don't feel you need to address every disagreement you have with your children and their spouses.

To review how you can be fair in communicating about your disputes, click on the title of this post to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, Boomer Couples: 5 Tips for Fighting Fair. And tune in tomorrow for more tips on enriching your relationship with your son- and daughter-in-law.

The oil paintings of women pictured on our blog this week were done by dear friend, Leslie Roth. To see more of her work, visit www.ianrothdesign.com/LeslieRoth.htm.

Mother-in-Law's Tongue

Mother-in-Law's Tongue, with its sharp, blade-like leaves, has been described as "toxic." That is, when it's not being called by its other name, the Snake Plant. Wow, looks the plant world doesn't have a very good view of us mothers-in-law!

But we MILs know that most of the time we don't use our words to cut - we work hard to "hold our tongues" and defuse the situation. That's not always easy to do. We often hear from women who want to improve their relationships with daughters-in-law, but don't know how to do it. As Sally commented, "This sounds like a really helpful book for a relationship that is sometimes fraught with minefields. We all need help in negotiating paths like this!"

One of our readers asked for help in resolving some of the conflicts that come up with her son and daughter-in-law: "I hear what Susan is saying and I agree it would be good if I could act that way, but it's HARD to do. Any suggestions about how to put these ideas into play?"

Another reader described her situation: "When my son and his wife first stated dating and then married, we got along pretty well and I expected to have a close relationship with my daughter-in-law, but it has never materialized. I keep trying but it feels like there's a brick wall between us. What can I do?"

So how can we keep our words soft and steer the relationship toward a more positive outcome with our married children and their spouses? Here are a few tips to get you started in neutralizing the tension:

Recognize that you need to give up part of your former identity, particularly in relation to your son. Let go of your expectations about the relationship and that he’ll turn to you for the things he used to - consultation, validation, advice.

Acknowledge your feelings about these role changes. Accept that there is normal sadness about not being needed in the same ways you had been. Consider other feelings that may be in store - relief and a sense of freedom, excitement about new relationships.

Seek out other MILs and use them as a sounding board. These women can provide information, opinions and support. These three and a positive attitude are some of the coping strengths you will need as you redefine yourself as mother-in-law.

Tomorrow we'll be looking at some tools for you to use as you establish a fresh perspective and a new relationship with your children-in-law. Until then, you can click on the post title above to read our article, "What You Can Learn from President Obama's Mother-in-Law." It gives you useful tips about how to nourish your relationships with your son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

Mothers-In-Law: Your Questions and Answers

Yesterday and the day before, we hosted Susan Lieberman on our blog for a wide-ranging set of questions and answers. Susan invites women everywhere to join in the conversation about how mothers-in-law can foster healthy relationships with their married children and their spouses. In her book, The Mother-in-Law's Manual, she covers the full scope - from women’s expectations before their children marry to hopes about how their children will behave when their mothers are really old.

We had so many interesting questions and answers come in about this complex and emotional relationship. Here are some of the questions our readers raised and Susan's thoughtful answers. We will highlight more of them next week so stay tuned!

Vicki talked about getting along better with a DIL when she didn't have high expectations about the relationship. She wondered if that was the problem with her other DIL.

Susan's response: Yes, Vicki, that IS what I mean. We don't do this consciously, but we have filters that affect what we hear. When we expect, for example, to hear affection and enthusiasm and we don't, we feel a loss. When we expect nothing, what we hear is what we hear. I want to add something that has helped me in my relationships with my daughters-in-law. I decided that the expectations I needed to set were for me. I expect myself to be a certain kind of parent, to be loving and generous and forgiving...and I keep working on it regardless of what I get back. This helps me feel okay about me.

Another woman asked whether or not to talk to her son and DIL about her expectations.

Susan's response: What you say, I think, depends on what you feel. If you share your expectations, is it with the subterranean belief that they will then have some responsibility for addressing those expectations? There is, I believe, a question behind this question behind this question...which is why we imagine our children will share our expectations and why, almost all the time, we think they have some obligation to address them. This is a guess, but is it true that you are feeling some anger with your son and his wife? As long as that is there, my own advice would be to stay quiet until you can work your way through it. My own experience is that the anger always leaks through and discolors the conversation. If you are able to subdue the anger...and by the way, disappointment is different than anger...then there might be a time when you could address one expectation by acknowledging that you three see the world differently, noting what makes sense for you and asking for their help in figuring out how to make things work for all of you. If that goes well, down the line you might bring up something else, but, sad to say, we are no longer driving the ship.

Carolyn asked about calling her DIL on the phone when she didn't get any calls back from her.

Susan's response: Carolyn, I would love to chat with my daughter-in-laws more, but I, like you, do not have the sense it is a pleasure for them. When I know their husbands are traveling, I might call to see how it is going but otherwise, I seldom call. Instead, I send my gourmet cook DIL NYTimes food articles and recipes I think she will like and comment to my other DIL online about some of the great kids' pictures she posts. I make sure when I email my sons about family business that I copy their wives. I wish they were chattier and that my being chatty with them didn't make me feel inappropriate...but that isn't how it is.

Brenda wanted to know how to have fun with her DIL the same way she could with her son-in-law.

Susan's response: Brenda, the research shows that the MIL/DIL relationship is, in general, a tenser dyanamic than with sons-in-law. Add to that personality differences. And then add our own expectations of men and women...and there you have your situation...not so unusual.

Some thoughts about what you can do to make the situation with your daughter-in-law better: First, worry less. Can you get more comfortable in yourself when you are around her? Don't look for things that prove your negative thoughts about her.

Of course, we don't want to do or say things that hurt or harm, but how much time can we spend trying to suck up? Stick with that humor, even if no one else is easy. It is so hard, I know, not to feel comfortable with the people our children love. For me, I just keep telling myself that the game is not over.

Our thanks to Susan Lieberman for her input this week. Join us again next week here at Nourishing Relationships as we continue to chat about our complex role as mother-in-law. The discussion is always open here. What other issues that have been troubling you in your role as a mother-in-law? What do you think about Susan's answers?