Questions and Answers: "Too Close for Comfort"

Plenty of sandwiched boomers tuned in yesterday to take part in our interview with Susan Shaffer and Linda Gordon. We had a spirited discussion with the authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship. Our thanks to Susan for being so generous with her time – here are a sampling of questions and her responses:



Several Readers had specific questions about their relationships with their daughters.

Reader: I hear you! Some days my 20 year old daughter and I are so close and others it's as if she hates my guts. If I try to talk about what's going on, it gets worse. What can I do short of keeping my distance and letting her work it out?

Susan: It is important as our daughters grow up to let them start coming to you for advice. This is the time to step back and practice active listening. This approach gives our daughters the message that we have confidence in their ability to take care of themselves. At the same time, we support them in a healthy way for them to begin to chart their own course.

Reader: My daughter used to be my best friend but since she left for college in the fall I hardly hear from her. What's going on? Sylvie

Susan: Your daughter's job is to become more self-sufficient. Our job is to give her the opportunity to do so. We also learned from working with mothers and daughters that they can't be best friends because the relationship is never equal. You can share characteristics of friendship, enjoying each other's company, empathy, loyalty, caring, etc. but mother always trumps best friend. Your daughter will come back to you. Also, think of this as good news. She is adjusting well to her new environment. If she was unhappy, you would hear from her more frequently!

Reader: Deep in my heart I know my relationship with my 29 year old daughter isn't that healthy. She comes to me instead of to her husband or friends. But I love what we have together. Is it really so bad?

Susan: It's all about balance. However, once your daughter gets married, her husband should be her first go to person. It is important that they establish a solid foundation for their marriage. You may have to help her to do this by encouraging her to go to her husband as her "first responder." This is not an easy transition, but it is an important one in order for your daughter to create her own family

Another talked about how her relationship with her daughter changed when she had a daughter of her own.

Reader: My daughter and I went through some rough times during her adolescence & early college years. But now that she has a daughter herself, she understands & values our relationship very differently. as do I. Though she has moved far away, we are closer in heart--something I never had with my own mother.
I profoundly miss my daughter's and granddaughter's almost daily physical presence in my life,but I still feel an incomparable connection. I am grateful that we have achieved a healthy balance that transcends the miles.

Susan: I am so happy to hear that you and your daughter have remained close even though you don't live close by. One daughter said to us that after she had her first child she forgave her mother for everything!

Others commented on the mother-in-law role.

Reader: I don't have any daughters - only sons, and the relationships with them are complex in their own ways too. When they married, I hoped to have some of the feminine friendship closeness you describe with my daughters-in-law. But that hasn't really happened. Any thoughts about the appropriate level of closeness with DILs?

Susan: I don't think there are any easy answers with in-laws, whether they are male or female. A new person into the family changes the dynamics and brings a different lens to the family system. This can be very helpful in forming close relationships and it can also make it difficult to be close. There isn't one type of appropriate relationship. It depends upon the personalities, interests and sharing similar values. What we have seen is that over time and with great patience and shared experiences relationships grow and you can have a positive friendship with your daughters-in-law. Don't give up!

Reader: All of us Moms should often remember that the mother-in-law is NOT the only person who should wear beige and zip it up. Savtie

Susan: Dear Savtie, In our book we write about the benefits of duck tape! I don't know about wearing beige...not my favorite color.


Provocative questions and thoughtful answers, don't you think? You can order Susan's and Linda's book through Amazon.com. And click on the title of this post to learn more about the other books these smart women have written.

If you want more of these kinds of events, please add your comments here or email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com. And visit our website by clicking on the first link on the left below, "Her Mentor Center". You can also sign up for our newsletter, Stepping Stones, by clicking on the link below marked "FREE Newsletter." We publish a monthly newsletter that focuses on helpful strategies for coping with children growing up and parents growing older.

Sally Shields Chats with Our Readers

Yesterday, we enjoyed hosting Sally Shields, author of The Daughter-in-Law Rules on our blog. Here are some of our readers' questions and Sally's responses.

When Anita asked Sally how her mother-in-law reacted to reading about herself in the book, Sally recalled how it affected their relationship:

"There are 3 parts to that... first when she found out I was writing the book she said, "I know I can be a B....tch, Sally! I'm a Leo. But we're a lot a like, you know. Now go write a best-seller, or I'll kick your butt!"

Then, she read the book. And well, I wasn't welcome at Christmas time...

Lastly, we had it out... and we didn't hold back. She told me what she thought of me. I told her what I thought of her. We screamed and laughed, and she finally said, "You know, I think this probably all happened for a reason." Now, we are close!"

Another reader asked about how her relationship with her MIL changed when Sally had children.

"Well, that was incredible. There is nothing that she wanted more in the world than to have grandchildren. Once I got that, and made sure that she always feels included in all the little steps and milestones, I have seen a tremendous change in our relationship. This is such a joy for me to facilitate!"

One of our readers, a MIL and grandmother herself who works on her relationship with her DIL, wondered what Sally meant by, "I don't mind telling people what to do or how they should do it." Sally explained:

"You sound like such a sweet MIL... it's a very, very complicated relationship, and I feel it is largely the DIL's responsibility to make sure that her husband's mother feels like she is wanted, appreciated and part of their lives. So, that is my vision, to teach brides and wives the art of making friends with their husband's mother, so that years of needless contention can be avoided! The DIL needs schooling and that is what I set out to do with the DIL Rules.

Something else I'd like to add to that... when I say I don't mind telling people what to do or how they should do it, I mean, that I think a DIL should make sure to make her MIL feel special and appreciated by doing all the little things she can like never forgetting a b-day, making sure she calls her MIL once a week to ask how she's feeling, complimenting her and letting her know what a great job she did in raising her son, etc. These might seem like the presumed obvious, but they are little things that can easily get overlooked in the course of daily life. Because the MIL DIL relationship is often fraught with tension, there are so many things a DIL can do to avert misunderstandings and hurtful miscommunications. So that is what I mean by telling someone what to do... schooling and reminding the DIL that it is her job to reach out and make friends with her MIL!"

A daughter-in-law wanted help in dealing with her MIL who had complained that she was distant because the DIL didn't want to go to her home for Sunday dinner. Sally weighed in with her advice:

"Yes, this is the kind of stuff that happens, very normal... this relationship is already poised for misunderstandings and hurtfulness... that is why, we as DIL's have to work so hard to not be defensive and air more on the side of compassionate. From her perspective, she doesn't understand all those reasons. Maybe you can start calling her once a week, just to have a little chat, ask how she's feeling, etc. Or start with once every 3 weeks, whatever you can do, but make sure your husband isn't home. Tell her how excited you are to come to Sunday dinner! Be glad that you don't have to cook. Then, go. But not always - just now and then. But strike a balance, because you have compassion and do it happily for your husband. These are part of the RULES for a happy marriage!
Consider it a blessing that you don't have to cook. Then, help her with the dishes, and watch the magic happen!"

And Janet, with an idea for a book herself, asked Sally about her marketing efforts. Sally shared her experience:

"I did everything I could to learn how to market a book, then wrote a home-study course called Publicity Secrets Revealed: What Every PR Firm Doesn't Want Your to Know! You can check it out here: www.sallyshields.com/productsandservices

I also learned how to bring a book to the top of the Amazon charts, and got to #1 in Wedding showers, which opened up a LOT of doors, and I now teach authors how to do that as well. Please get in touch with me and I'd be happy to be your coach! Basically, I got on lots of radio and TV shows, did virtual book tours, article marketing, created sponsorship proposals (1-800-flowers created a full page ad in the back of the book) and things of this nature."

Our thanks again to Sally for her generosity in sharing with us. If you are a mother-in-law and want some more insight into how to get along better with your daughter-in-law, click on the post title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, From Baby Boomer to Mother-in-Law: How to Play Your New Role.

The Daughter-in-Law Rules

Nourishing Relationships: We are so pleased to have Sally Shields, author of The Daughter-in-Law Rules join us today. We have so much to ask you, lets get right to it!
What is the concept behind the DIL Rules and how did you derive at that name?

Sally Shields: The Daughter-in-Law Rules is based on the 7th spiritual law of success, which is: the quickest way to get what you want is to help others get what they want. By that I mean, be a loving, kind-hearted, sensitive person, and the world will reflect that back to you, even in the form of your mother-in-law! I loved that book The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. I patterned the Daughter-in-Law Rules on that book.

N R: When did you decide on writing as a career?

S S: Actually, the book took me less than a week to write! As the last thing I wrote was a paper in high school, I don't consider myself a writer per se. What I learned was that you only need 2 things to have a best selling book - a passion for your topic and a sincere desire to help people. To quote Robert Kiyosaki of Rich Dad, Poor Dad: "I didn't want to be the best writing author - rather I want to be the best SELLING author!" It was the marketing of the book that really intrigued me, so I use the 90-10 rule - I spent 10% of my time writing the book, and the other 90% of my time and energy marketing it.

N R: What motivated you to write the DIL Rules?

S S: Like most women, I got married and got a mother-in-law. But after a couple of years, I was left scratching my head, thinking, where is the manual for this?!!! I wrote to the ladies that wrote the bestselling book The Rules, and told them that since they helped all these women meet and marry the men of their dreams, they then needed to provide some advice on how to get along with the other woman in their man's life—his mom! These two authors told me it was the best idea they'd ever heard. I honestly just wanted some advice on the topic! "You should write it," they said. At first I thought they were crazy since the last thing I'd written was a term paper in high school English class! But, the gears started turning in my mind. So I started to jot down all the troublesome incidents that would pop into my head in regards to my MIL, and came up with a rule and a solution to deal with each and every one. When I put a few of these rules into practice (and saw that they actually worked) I thought maybe I could help save other young wives years of needless contention!

N R: Have you published any other work that you've written?

S S: I have a music book called Modern Jazz Piano (Hal Leonard, 2004). I've also written The Collaborator Rules: 101 Surefire Ways to Manage (and Stay Friends with) Your Co-Author as well as a poetry book called "A Pond Beneath the Moon" but I've yet to publish them.

N R: What makes you unique when compared to other authors?

I am very focused on solving a problem in a very short period of time. I don't mind telling people what to do or how they should do it. Here's the Rule. Now do it. Sometimes people tell me that they don't want to do these rules because it seems like too much work. Then I give them the Dr. Phil answer which is, "Well, how's THAT workin' for ya?!!" These rules are problem-solution oriented so give them a try!

S S: What inspires your work?

I love being creative and just coming up with stuff that I think will help people, or bring humor to a situation, while at the same time solving my own life's problems! My vision is now to create more harmony among 20 million mothers and daughters in law around the world while at the same time raising money for breast cancer. The National Breast Cancer Foundation® is my non-profit partner and we are currently working with 1-800-flowers on a unique fundraising idea for the fall.

N R: Has your book been featured in any national publications or on television?

S S: Yes! I've been in Star Magazine, Girlfriendz, For the Bride, and Obvious Magazine. I've appeared twice on the nationally syndicated The Daily Buzz, Fox & Friends, BetterTV.com and have a pending segment on the Morning Show with Mike and Juliette, as well as having appeared on Martha Stewart Whole Living Radio and the DIL Rules was recommended as Book of the Week by Dr. Laura Schelssinger.

N R: Are you self-published or through a publishing house?

S S: I started off self-publishing with Outskirts Press, a print on demand company, but just garnered interest from a small independent publisher with national distribution. The DIL Rules will be re-released on September 1st with a new cover, subtitle, foreword, interior design and illustrations, and will be in stores everywhere!

N R: Who or what personally inspires you to push forth with your career?

S S: I've been a musician ever since I was a kid, and I just get a lot of energy from performing, speaking, being out there in the media and expressing my ideas in my unique way fuels and motivates me forward.

N R: Have your book sales been positively/negatively affected by the financial changes in the country and if so how you come up with ways to divert from it (if negative)?

S S: I notice that the more radio and TV appearances I do, I can keep the sales up. It seems to be more about continually letting people know about the book that makes more of a difference than the financial state of affairs. It would be fun to compare current sales to what it will be like when Obama whips this country back in shape eventually! :-)

N R: Do you have any events coming up that people should know about or book tours?

S S: As I have 2 small kids, I have been doing virtual book tours from home and doing national radio tours via telephone. I do some local book signings here in New York, and I speak at various events such as the ASJA, and the Catholic Marketing Network has asked me to speak at their event in a couple of months. I also do a weekly radio show called Blurb! that is a book contest for authors. For more information on how authors can apply to be on the show, check out BlurbRadio.com.

N R: What advice would you have for young entrepreneurs and authors?

S S: I would say keep it fun, because otherwise all those hours you put in wouldn't make any sense! And remember that there are only 2 elements that you need to succeed in any endeavor: a passion for your topic and a sincere desire to help people.

N R: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

S S: I see myself with my own reality show, as a Daughter-in-Law Rules seminar leader, a speaker at Bridal events, fundraiser and spokesperson for the National Breast Cancer Foundation,® and continuing to partner with corporations such as Macys, David's Bridal and Martha Stewart Weddings.

Never give up on your dreams. You don't have to know the how, but focus on the why. Don't set limits and reach for the sky. Do positive affirmations morning and evening, and you will see your thoughts transform into things. You can manifest your desires by focusing on the things that you want. Don't give up because it takes a while for the universe to prepare the meal that you've ordered, but know that it is in the oven back there so make sure you don't leave the restaurant!

N R: Thanks, Sally, for joining us today and for the great information. Readers, here's your chance to get some personal advice from Sally - about getting along with your daughter-in-law, marketing your own book, living your dream. Just click on the "comment" line below and let us hear from you.

Coping with Menopausal Symptoms

You've likely tried many techniques to deal with the annoying symptoms of perimenopause. Here are some that many Sandwiched Boomers find work for them. Try them, if you haven't already, and see if they work for you.

If hot flashes and night sweats plague you, join the gang. You can: dress in layers, have a personal fan handy to use whenever you need, sleep in a cool room at night, avoid alcohol, spicy foods and others that trigger a hot flash.

Many women in perimenopause just can't get a good night's sleep. If you have a hard time falling asleep or getting back to sleep when your body awakens you, try to create a comfortable bedtime routine and save your bed for intimacy and sleep. It may also help to move your physical exercise to earlier in the day.

Do you find yourself gaining weight - and in all the wrong places? Here the tips are the same ones you've heard all your life: start an eating program that you can maintain, drink lots of water - especially a half-hour before your next meal - find healthful food substitutes. Begin to keep a food diary, noting what, when and where you eat and what you were thinking and feeling at the time. This will help you determine your negative triggers so you can plan to avoid them. Resist buying sweets - if you don't have them handy, you won't have the temptation to grab a quick fix.

Even if you've been the queen of multitasking before you may notice that now you just can't concentrate and focus as well. If so, you may want to simplify your environment and concentrate on only one thing at a time. Make a list of things you want to do and prioritize them. Schedule extra time to go over new information so that you can incorporate it. Identify your greatest stressors and work on techniques to reduce them. To keep your mind sharp, explore and learn about new things, play word games and do crossword puzzles.

When your libido seems to disappear, you and your partner can make some changes. If your sexual desire has decreased, examine your relationship with your significant other and look at life situations that may be affecting your sexuality. You and your partner can focus on creating other kinds of intimacy in your relationship as you rekindle your joint affection, closeness and romance. Explore and enjoy your sensuality - be patient and take small steps. Talk to your doctor about remedies for vaginal dryness.

If all the hormonal, physical and psychological changes you have been going through have led you to feel depressed and anxious, you need to address your emotions. Look for a support group in which to share your thoughts and feelings. Keep a journal to express your feelings and gain some insight. Make exercise a part of your daily routine and utilize stress reduction techniques, such as deep breathing, guided imagery, and meditation. Focus on the positives in your life and acknowledge what you are grateful for. It may help to give of yourself and do something for someone else. Certainly, if your emotional symptoms don't abate, consult a mental health professional.

Life is full of changes - menopause is just one of them. Look at other changes in you life. Just as you have coped before, you will be able to cope now. Recognize your strengths and build on them. Focus on what has worked for you in the past and trust that you will find options that will help you now. Be patient and recognize that working through menopause is an ongoing process that takes time. This is a new chapter in your life. You can write it the way you want!

If one of the changes you have made entails becoming a mother-in-law, be sure to tune in tomorrow when we host a virtual book tour with Sally Shields - author of The Daughter-in-Law Rules. And come with your questions for Sally. She'll be happy to answer them.

Mothers-in-Law Step Back

Our focus on the complex role of mother-in-law draws to a close today. We want to leave you with some more suggestions to keep in mind as you work on taking a step back - and taking lots of deep breaths as you do. Change is never easy but it may be especially difficult in this relationship given the complicated emotions and tensions that are percolating just below the surface. As issues boil up, everyone is affected - you, your grown children, their partners, your own spouse. While you can't control others' reactions, here are some tips to help you nourish yourself as a MIL as well as your family in flux.

There are some things you can't change, you just have to accept them. The relationship with your married children and their spouses may grow and develop as you all settle into your new roles, but you can only work on your behavior. Theirs may change but they may not. You can't make them act differently, even though you give it your best shot.

Remember, it's their life. It really is. Remember how it was with your own mother-in-law? You wanted to be your own person, make your own decisions and have her respect your choices. Why did you think it would be different with your daughter-in-law?

Be supportive of their partnership. Your children and their spouses have chosen to form bonds that, hopefully, will stand the test of time. Support them as they strengthen their connections. You may be tempted to turn to your child in your complaint about his or her spouse, but resist and don't do anything to come between them.

Don't rush things. Stay calm. Keep working on the relationship and it is likely that things will begin to change, even if ever so slightly. You have the wisdom and long-term perspective that you have cultivated over the years - draw on both as you patiently take one step at a time.

So, MILs, hang in there and don't give up. The challenge of creating a good relationship is well worth your efforts. And many mothers-in-law have found that as their children become confident parents themselves, the relationship changes for the better all around. Click on the post title to take you to an article on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, about how to get started making the changes you want, Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia.

Mothers-in-Law Change

Another reader of Nourishing Relationships has commented about how difficult the role of mother-in-law is: "As the mother of sons who adored bringing them up, I never realized until they married what difficult issues I'd face. I foolishly thought we would just widen our wonderful circle and they, my daughters-in-law, would join in the dance. I forgot, they had mothers and did not want another one! There's also the cultural piece, which takes a great deal of work and understanding when two cultures are involved. It is a real challenge, but we are working on it!"

Just as you have learned how to get along with your significant other over the years, you can try out new ways of responding to your son- and daughter-in-law. Some of the tools that have worked for you in other settings are similar to those that will help improve your relationship with your children-in-law. Here are some tips adapted to your role as a mother-in-law.

Learn more about your son- and daughter-in-law. Spend time with them hearing about, and even doing, what they like. This is even more important when they come from a different culture. When you are genuinely interested in them and their activities, you'll see them more as complete people rather than just in relation to you. And they'll be more likely to think about you positively.

Look at the issues from their perspective. This may help soothe your emotions when they don't see things as you do. Consider that there generally is more than one way of handling a situation and that your method isn't necessarily the only right one.

Focus on what you do like about your children-in-law rather than what you don't. What drew your child to fall in love and marry this person? Think about what he or she does to bring happiness to your child. What traits do you have in common with your son- or daughter-in-law? There are likely to be qualities you sincerely admire and respect in your DIL and SIL, if you allow yourself to brainstorm about them.

Choose your battles. When some difference of opinion is particularly important to you, you may decide to bring up your feelings and viewpoint for discussion. But don't feel you need to address every disagreement you have with your children and their spouses.

To review how you can be fair in communicating about your disputes, click on the title of this post to take you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article, Boomer Couples: 5 Tips for Fighting Fair. And tune in tomorrow for more tips on enriching your relationship with your son- and daughter-in-law.

The oil paintings of women pictured on our blog this week were done by dear friend, Leslie Roth. To see more of her work, visit www.ianrothdesign.com/LeslieRoth.htm.

Mother-in-Law's Tongue

Mother-in-Law's Tongue, with its sharp, blade-like leaves, has been described as "toxic." That is, when it's not being called by its other name, the Snake Plant. Wow, looks the plant world doesn't have a very good view of us mothers-in-law!

But we MILs know that most of the time we don't use our words to cut - we work hard to "hold our tongues" and defuse the situation. That's not always easy to do. We often hear from women who want to improve their relationships with daughters-in-law, but don't know how to do it. As Sally commented, "This sounds like a really helpful book for a relationship that is sometimes fraught with minefields. We all need help in negotiating paths like this!"

One of our readers asked for help in resolving some of the conflicts that come up with her son and daughter-in-law: "I hear what Susan is saying and I agree it would be good if I could act that way, but it's HARD to do. Any suggestions about how to put these ideas into play?"

Another reader described her situation: "When my son and his wife first stated dating and then married, we got along pretty well and I expected to have a close relationship with my daughter-in-law, but it has never materialized. I keep trying but it feels like there's a brick wall between us. What can I do?"

So how can we keep our words soft and steer the relationship toward a more positive outcome with our married children and their spouses? Here are a few tips to get you started in neutralizing the tension:

Recognize that you need to give up part of your former identity, particularly in relation to your son. Let go of your expectations about the relationship and that he’ll turn to you for the things he used to - consultation, validation, advice.

Acknowledge your feelings about these role changes. Accept that there is normal sadness about not being needed in the same ways you had been. Consider other feelings that may be in store - relief and a sense of freedom, excitement about new relationships.

Seek out other MILs and use them as a sounding board. These women can provide information, opinions and support. These three and a positive attitude are some of the coping strengths you will need as you redefine yourself as mother-in-law.

Tomorrow we'll be looking at some tools for you to use as you establish a fresh perspective and a new relationship with your children-in-law. Until then, you can click on the post title above to read our article, "What You Can Learn from President Obama's Mother-in-Law." It gives you useful tips about how to nourish your relationships with your son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

Mothers-in-Law Speak Up

We continue our series on your emerging role as a mother-in-law and questions you have about how to nourish your relationships with your children-in-law. Our readers commenting on the virtual book tour we hosted last week with Dr. Susan Lieberman found her words empowering as they set new directions in their relationships with their sons- and daughters-in-law.

Janet had been struggling with her in-law relationships for years and now had some new ideas about how to work on them; Sandy recognized that she could only change her behavior, not that of her children and children-in-law.

Susan's response to Janet and Sandy: THANK YOU! I did not come to this book as an "expert" but rather as a woman standing in a difficult place. I wrote the book I needed to read. I'm so grateful when others find it helpful. I can tell you that writing the book has helped me handle my own mother-in-law issues more skillfully. I can also, more abashedly, tell you that when you write the book and then find you are not following your own advice, you really feel like an idiot...but we all do the best we can -- including our daughters-in-law. I've been trying to sneak into my DIL's head to figure out why I trigger her as I do. Of course, I have no way of knowing if my thoughts are accurate, but my hunch is that my voice brings up something about her own parents' voices and her feelings about bending to their will. Maybe I'm making up nonsense, but since it helps me be more tolerant of behavior I find hurtful, I'm sticking to it.

A grandmother wrote that she was concerned about the way her grandchildren were being raised and didn't how whether to bring the subject up with her daughter and son-in-law.

Susan's response: Concerned Grandma presents a pickle...I'm pretty sure whatever you say is not going to be appreciated. That said, I know it is next to impossible to stay quiet if you think the children are being harmed. So, I have been thinking about this and have a couple thoughts:

1) Talk to other women, not only the ones who are most like you, and describe as neutrally as possible, the behavior that concerns you. Find out if others are as alarmed as you. If they are not, you might have to rethink your position.


2) Look for data, articles, books, etc that address the issue(s) that most concern you and present it as something to consider.

3) Make a date with your daughter. Tell her you are struggling and really don't know how to go forward. On the one hand, everything in you says, "Don't meddle," and on the other, everything in you says, "There is something we need to discuss." Ask her is she would be willing to have a discussion with you in which you both try to hear each other and not follow into a defensive posture. If she rebuffs this effort, you are going to have to back off.

4) Is there someone else in the family...a sibling or favorite aunt who could take up the cause on your behalf. My observation is that the more insecure our kids feel about their parenting skills...and the less skillful they are...the less able we are to speak. If you think this is serious enough, you may just have to speak out, but know that they may be a cost. Good luck on this one.


Once more, we thank Dr. Susan Lieberman for her reflections and personal insight into the role of mothers-in-law. Let us know how you enjoy her book, The Mother-in-Law's Manual.

For more tips on getting along with a daughter-in-law, click on the post title above to take you to our article, From Baby Boomer to Mother-in-Law: How to Play Your New Role. You can then explore our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, for more of our articles with helpful pointers on how to improve your relationships with your family in flux.

More Questions and Answers for Mothers-in-Law

Our readers have more probing questions for Susan Lieberman - and her answers have given us all a lot to think about. What feedback would you give to some of the mothers-in-law who have written in? How do you relate to your own daughters-in-law and sons-in-law? What seems to work for you? What doesn't?

Here are a few more issues that concern MILs:

One reader said she felt invisible and wanted to have more of a relationship with her married kids and their spouses. Another, Whitfield, wrote in that she'd been a MIL for over 20 years and still walked on eggs with her DIL, who didn't reach out to her.

Susan's response to "invisible" and Whitfield: Oh my, I so wish I had a magic wand that would give those of use who want more closeness with our children a simple way to find it. Of course, I don't. What to say to a question that so many women hold?

First, it may be that your children love you deeply but are simply lost in their own lives and that's the way it is for now. It may also be that while we think we are, well, terrific, our children see our behavior differently.

Is it possible to ask you son or daughter if there is something you are doing that pushes them away because sometimes you do feel there is a big distance. Could you ask what YOU can do that would be good for them...a terrific dinner sometimes with no help expected before or after, some errands, some gardening?

I don't know if you children have children but as someone noted earlier, grandchildren can open the door to more interaction. When my younger son had his first son, he called to say, "Mom, oh my god, I get it. You love me like I love him!"

Worst case, you have to find surrogate young friends who want what you can offer that your own child cannot appreciate.

Don't give up. Keep holding the possibility of a better relationship. Keep sending them loving thoughts and doing loving deeds, even if it seems like you are wasting energy.

Another reader asked if it was typical that her relationship was more with her grandkids than her children-in-law.

Susan's response: Is it typical that relationships change and even improve when there are grandchildren? YES. My observation is that our children see our loving their kids as an expression of our love for them -- and, often, love as well that we can help them out. Grandchildren also deflect attention away from the adults and soften potential conflicts.

You are lucky that your children value your contributions, and, in part, might it have something to do with your own tactfulness and willingness to let the parents set the rules?

I watch young people and their lives are so busy. If we lived at a faster pace than our parents, don't you think our kids are living still faster than we did? You are right that they do not always have so much time for us. My sons assure me that how much time they have for me is NO indication of how much they love me. I choose to believe them.

Again, our thanks to Susan Lieberman for sharing her wisdom about mothers-in-law. Do you have any mother-in-law stories you'd like to contribute here? We'll keep the lines open for MIL tales, good and bad. Just click on the comment link below or write us at mentors@HerMentorCenter.com and we'll bring your voice to the table. Remember, we're all in this together - working to nourish our relationships.

Mothers-In-Law: Your Questions and Answers

Yesterday and the day before, we hosted Susan Lieberman on our blog for a wide-ranging set of questions and answers. Susan invites women everywhere to join in the conversation about how mothers-in-law can foster healthy relationships with their married children and their spouses. In her book, The Mother-in-Law's Manual, she covers the full scope - from women’s expectations before their children marry to hopes about how their children will behave when their mothers are really old.

We had so many interesting questions and answers come in about this complex and emotional relationship. Here are some of the questions our readers raised and Susan's thoughtful answers. We will highlight more of them next week so stay tuned!

Vicki talked about getting along better with a DIL when she didn't have high expectations about the relationship. She wondered if that was the problem with her other DIL.

Susan's response: Yes, Vicki, that IS what I mean. We don't do this consciously, but we have filters that affect what we hear. When we expect, for example, to hear affection and enthusiasm and we don't, we feel a loss. When we expect nothing, what we hear is what we hear. I want to add something that has helped me in my relationships with my daughters-in-law. I decided that the expectations I needed to set were for me. I expect myself to be a certain kind of parent, to be loving and generous and forgiving...and I keep working on it regardless of what I get back. This helps me feel okay about me.

Another woman asked whether or not to talk to her son and DIL about her expectations.

Susan's response: What you say, I think, depends on what you feel. If you share your expectations, is it with the subterranean belief that they will then have some responsibility for addressing those expectations? There is, I believe, a question behind this question behind this question...which is why we imagine our children will share our expectations and why, almost all the time, we think they have some obligation to address them. This is a guess, but is it true that you are feeling some anger with your son and his wife? As long as that is there, my own advice would be to stay quiet until you can work your way through it. My own experience is that the anger always leaks through and discolors the conversation. If you are able to subdue the anger...and by the way, disappointment is different than anger...then there might be a time when you could address one expectation by acknowledging that you three see the world differently, noting what makes sense for you and asking for their help in figuring out how to make things work for all of you. If that goes well, down the line you might bring up something else, but, sad to say, we are no longer driving the ship.

Carolyn asked about calling her DIL on the phone when she didn't get any calls back from her.

Susan's response: Carolyn, I would love to chat with my daughter-in-laws more, but I, like you, do not have the sense it is a pleasure for them. When I know their husbands are traveling, I might call to see how it is going but otherwise, I seldom call. Instead, I send my gourmet cook DIL NYTimes food articles and recipes I think she will like and comment to my other DIL online about some of the great kids' pictures she posts. I make sure when I email my sons about family business that I copy their wives. I wish they were chattier and that my being chatty with them didn't make me feel inappropriate...but that isn't how it is.

Brenda wanted to know how to have fun with her DIL the same way she could with her son-in-law.

Susan's response: Brenda, the research shows that the MIL/DIL relationship is, in general, a tenser dyanamic than with sons-in-law. Add to that personality differences. And then add our own expectations of men and women...and there you have your situation...not so unusual.

Some thoughts about what you can do to make the situation with your daughter-in-law better: First, worry less. Can you get more comfortable in yourself when you are around her? Don't look for things that prove your negative thoughts about her.

Of course, we don't want to do or say things that hurt or harm, but how much time can we spend trying to suck up? Stick with that humor, even if no one else is easy. It is so hard, I know, not to feel comfortable with the people our children love. For me, I just keep telling myself that the game is not over.

Our thanks to Susan Lieberman for her input this week. Join us again next week here at Nourishing Relationships as we continue to chat about our complex role as mother-in-law. The discussion is always open here. What other issues that have been troubling you in your role as a mother-in-law? What do you think about Susan's answers?

Mother-In-Law Strategies for Healthy Relationships

We are happy to welcome Dr. Susan Lieberman back for more questions and answers about her book. In The Mother-In-Law’s Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children, Susan uses the same strategy she found so helpful when her children were growing up - talking to other women going through the same experiences. She deals with all facets of the in-law relationship, including how to handle difficult family members, how to discuss what seems like impending disaster and how to approach our babies having babies.

We've posed some questions you might want to ask her if you came to one of her book signings. And feel free to send us in your own through the comment link below.

Nourishing Relationships: Some mothers-in-law have confided, "My child’s spouse shuts me out. How do I handle this?"

Susan: I wish we could stand on the balcony together and watch what is happening…whether there is something you are unintentionally doing that pushes a button, whether his or her behavior doesn’t seem so cold to others or whether, in fact, you are, indeed, getting the cold shoulder.

There isn’t one best response. In many cases, you might find some quiet moments with your own child and ask for advice – which is different than criticizing the partner. "You know, I don’t seem to be getting it just right with X, and I so want us to have an easy relationship. Could you give me some advice about how to do this better?"

Now, if you get the advice, all you can do is LISTEN. You can't get defensive, counter, or argue. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Maybe you can talk directly to your in-law, but you have to have enough comfort to feel centered and relaxed to this. If you are angry, hurt or in any other way off balance, these conversations are more difficult. The best approach is to ask questions, ask advice, not make statements.

It is possible that others in the family can offer advice – but then you have to take it…have to consider what you are being told and try out the suggestions and see how they work.

And, in some cases, we may have to make do with a relationship that is less than we wish. Here is what I discovered for myself. When I have judgments about my daughters-in-law, they pick up the vibrations. What I have to change is my own attitude, not theirs. I have to be the person I want them to be, treating others with the same respect and affection I want for myself and hope for the best. How things are in the beginning does not mean that is how they will always be.

One last comment: no matter what you think or feel, do NOT discuss this with your married child. This is the person he or she chose to marry. NEVER expect your child to chose between you and a spouse because if you raised the child well, the choice will be the spouse. Keep believing the relationship will get better, keep being a good, kind, uncritical person and there is a chance, in time, things will thaw.

Nourishing Relationships: Other MIL's have said, "I like the person my son married but she is so messy. Her house is always chaotic. My son works so hard and she doesn’t even tend to his laundry."

Susan: This is NOT your problem. Your son (or it could just as easily be a daughter) is now a grown up. If he doesn't like the way the house or laundry is managed, it is his job to discuss it and work something out. Being neat is easy for some of us, and we are likely to think it should be easy for everyone. And what is important to us is not necessarily so important to others.

More than one daughter-in-law told me that when her mother-in-law – or her mother – comes and starts picking things up and making neat, it doesn't feel like help, it feels like a rebuke. So we get to keep our houses however we want and our children and their partners get to keep theirs as they wish. And, no, you may not say, "But my child didn't grow up that way…" That was then and this is now.

Instead of focusing on what isn't right by your values, think about what really works for this couple and look for the good. If you can't find any, again, I am so sorry to say but the problem is yours.

Nourishing Relationships: Your book is called The Mother-in-Law's Manual. Is it just for mothers-in-law?

Susan: I like this question because my answer has happily been changed a lot since the book came out in May. When I wrote it, I thought my audience was just mothers-in-law. However, to my surprise, I am being told it works well for a broader audience. A woman emailed and said, "If you substitute 'step-parent' every place you have 'mother-in-law,' this book works perfectly."

Many young people have said the book helped them understand their parents and gave them a much healthier perspective. And an acquaintance who is neither a mother or mother-in-law, called to say the book was really useful in sorting through her own family dynamics.

My favorite bit of praise – and I know this might sound like boasting but it so delighted me -- came from a man I have worked with in Missouri on things completely unrelated to this book, the father of four teens, who must have bought the book out of some kindness. "Susan, I read the whole darn book. You have no idea how unusual that is for me. And, I learned stuff." That, for me, was really delicious.

Another great comment was the woman who said, "This is the only time I found a how- to book that reads like a novel."

I'm not sure, in fact, that this is a how-to book. It's a rumination on my own experiences abetted by the best advice of scores of women I interviewed. It isn't me saying, "Do this." Rather it's me saying, "Here's the corner I found myself in and here's what I have discovered about how I might get out."

Nourishing Relationships: Can you suggest any additional reading for MILs?

Susan: When I started to write this book, I couldn't find the books I needed but I now can recommend two other books that might be good collateral reading. I loved Deborah Tannen's You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Her insights about mothers and daughters are, I think, very helpful in understanding the tensions between women and between women and men. And a new book by Terri Apter, a British psychologist, What Do You Want from Me? Learning to Get Along with In-Laws also looks at the mother-in-law relationship. It is more oriented towards human dynamics, less personal than The Mother-in-Law's Manual, less informal, but I think the two books complement one another well.

Nourishing Relationships: Thanks, Susan Lieberman for joining us. We have gained so much from your wisdom. Readers, this is just some of the helpful information Susan has compiled for you in her book. Click on the post title above if you want to get a copy for yourself. And keep your questions coming - we'll highlight Susan's answers tomorrow.

The Mother-in-Law's Manual

Today we welcome Susan Lieberman, Ph.D. for a Virtual Book. We found her book, The Mother-in-Law's Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children, to be so chock full of good information that we have asked her to stay on with us for two days, so send in your comments and questions. We'll highlight them again on Friday with her answers.

When her boys married, Susan had no idea that there was an entire new learning curve waiting just around the corner. She had expected parenting to be demanding, but it never occurred to her to think becoming a mother-in-law would bring its own challenges. Where was Dr. Spock on this stage of development?

Nourishing Relationships: Welcome, Susan. Being mothers-in-law ourselves, we know it can be a complex relationship. How did you come to write a book about mothers-in-law?

Susan: I always assumed that when our terrific sons met women they loved, we would love them as well. And beyond that, I also assumed those women would consider me a bonus. Honestly…I was quite surprised when it didn't happen that way. At first, I wanted to blame the wife, and then I came to my senses and realized that making this work was my work to do.

I thought I was done with parenting when the kids grew up. Now I see this mother-in-law gig as the last act of parenting…but Spock and Brazelton and those other parenting gurus stopped too soon. I wrote this book to figure out what I needed to learn to get the good relationships I want.

Nourishing Relationships: What is the most important thing you learned?

Susan: The most important thing, I came to see, is that the fewer expectations we have, the fewer disappointments we will have. And if we think we have no expectations, look again. Odds are they are there, hidden just below the surface.

Nourishing Relationships: Why is this mother-in-law stuff so difficult? MILs didn't expect tensions and yet they are there.

Susan: There isn't one reason, of course, but here is a cause that I think affects many of us. If we have a job at work and our employer decides to shift us to another role, he or she calls us in, and, perhaps, says something like this: "Thanks for doing X all these years. You have done a great job. But now we want you to do Y."

You might say, "But I really like doing X and would love to continue."

Your boss says, "I am glad you have been happy, but from now we really need you to do Y and we know you will do that successfully as well. Such and Such will be taking over X."

So you leave the office and it quite clear that you have been reassigned. But nobody calls us mothers in and says, 'You have been a great leading lady for a couple of decades but you are no longer going to play the role of leading lady. You have been downsized and now you have a character actor part.'

Maybe it took us quite a while to get that leading lady role down. But now we are good at it. We like it. And the replacement…it's possible she or he is young and green and not nearly as adept as we. Nonetheless, we have a new script, a new place to stand on the stage. This is tough, and many mothers don’t get the message. They keep reading from the old script and the new lead doesn't like it.

Another reason has to do with type and temperament. It's natural to enjoy people who are like us, make meaning the way we do, respond similarly. New people in the family can be different. Sometimes, we think that's "wrong" or hurtful when it's just different.

For example, I'm an extrovert. I like to talk over what is on my mind. Both of my daughters-in-law are introverts. It is not in their nature to pick up the phone and call to chat. This is painful for me…but it is about ME not about THEM and expecting it is one of those expectations that will lead to disappointment.

Nourishing Relationships: We presume you interviewed women who had good relationship with their married children and their partners. Is there something about these people you can tell us?

Susan: Such a good question. These women said things like,
"I got to lead my life and now they get to lead theirs."
"I don’t always agree with their choices but know I didn't want interference and I'm sure they don't either."
"I want them to be happy and have good lives, but I've done my part. Now it is up to them."

Nourishing Relationships: Thanks for your candor and insight, Susan. We look forward to carrying on this discussion tomorrow. If you'd like more information about her book, click on the title of the post. And, readers, send in your questions and comments for Susan.

You as a Mother-in-Law

Tomorrow we welcome Dr. Susan Lieberman to our blog for a Virtual Book Tour highlighting her book, The Mother-in-Law's Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children. Please come with your questions and comments for her. She has graciously and generously agreed to be available both Thursday and Friday of this week to give you some answers. So think about what concerns you in your relationships as a MIL and prepare to pick Susan's brain this week.

In the meantime, you can find some articles about improving the relationships with your children-in-law on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com. Click on the post title above to take you to our article about getting along better with a daughter-in-law, From Baby Boomer to Mother-in-Law: How to Play Your New Role. And, once you are on our website, feel free to explore other sections of our Nourishing Relationships article archives. An article you will find in the Expanding Family article archives, What You Can Learn from President Obama's Mother-in-Law, focuses on relationships with sons-in-law.

Enjoying Your Boomerang Kids

When your adult child boomerangs back home, it can be a win-win situation for all of you, rather than a cause for alarm. If you follow our tips, your new arrangement opens up the opportunity to see each other through fresh eyes. You can let go of the old hurts and old memories of conflicts between you. Experience first hand how your offspring have matured and let them see you as more than just parents.



One mother recounted how the richness of her relationship with her son and daughter-in-law developed and grew during the year the kids moved in with her and her husband. "We all agreed we wouldn't make any assumptions about spending more time together. They didn't want to be asked if they were coming home for dinner and I didn't want to include them in my dinner preparations every night. With their work schedule and ours being so different, we often didn't see each other for days. But when we did, it was delightful to be with them. On weekends, my daughter-in-law likes to cook and sometimes we hung out together in the kitchen - one day we baked and iced dozens of cupcakes, just for fun. And my son even kissed me good-bye when he left for work, if I was around. Now that they are back on their own, I miss those days of camaraderie. During the year, I learned to treat them as the adults they had become and they learned to look at me as a real person, not just a mother. It was a great experience for all of us."

How about you? What have been your experiences when a child boomerangs back, either alone or with his/her family? What did you do to make the situation work better for everyone?

What other challenges have you been dealing with? Click on the title of the post to take you to an interactive site on HerMentorCenter.com, "About You." Here you can express yourself about concerns you may have at this time of life transitions and what coping skills are most helpful to you in dealing with them.

Families Together

Another mother-in-law has contacted us about her experiences with her children-in-law. Susan Lieberman has written a book about the process of improving relationships with sons- and daughters-in-law. We plan to host her on our blog in the future so stay tuned.

With Memorial Day coming on Monday, we salute those families who have a loved one serving in the Armed Forces and honor with respect those who have lost a family member in service to our country. Please join with us in celebrating the lives of these brave men and women.

Memorial Day, originally called Decoration Day in reference to placing flags on the graves of the fallen, has been observed since 1868 when it commemorated those who gave their lives in the Civil War. It has been a national holiday in the United States since 1971. Like Veterans' Day, it reminds us of the meaning of life and the value of family.

To read more about how a tribute to the sacrifice of veterans can guide us in our daily lives with loved ones, click on the title above to take you to an article on our website.

Tips for Building Good In-Law Relationships

All week we have been talking about the challenges and joys of becoming a mother-in-law. If you feel your only choices are to keep your mouth shut or walk on eggshells when you are around your married offspring and their partners, think again. Our tips about improving the relationships with your children-in-law can also help cement good feelings with your adult children.

Here are some brief suggestions that we discuss in more detail on our website. Click on the title above to take you to HerMentorCenter.com where you can read more.

Be patient and give the relationship time to grow.

Give up your expectations about how "the kids" should relate to you.

Recognize and accept that your married children and their partners have the right to a different perspective.

Respect, and don't over-step, the boundaries as the new couple sets their own ground rules.

Get to know your children-in-law better. Work to form a personal connection with each of them.

Don't initiate competition by supporting your offspring over your son- or daughter-in-law.

Help out when you can, but ask first.

Choose your battles. You don't have to fight over every issue.

Share your frustrations with your friends and your love with your children

Create new outlets for yourself. See this time in life as a chance to develop.

Love and Children-in-Law

Yesterday we talked about some qualities to draw on as you settle into a relationship with the ones your children have chosen as life partners. We suggested respect, patience, acceptance and love as models to follow as you take on the role of mother-in-law.

One of our readers commented about how she has learned to move through this dynamic relationship - letting go of her preconceived set of ideas about how her adult children should choose to live their lives and how they decide to relate to her. And, as a result, giving up her belief that her way is the only right way.

What do you think? Is it hard for you to maintain a balance between holding back your opinions and being true to the person you authentically are? How do you do it? What guides you as you do? Support your fellow MILs by sharing your stories of success.

Respectful Mothers-in-Law Create Meaningful Bonds

Reading through some of the comments we've gotten from you, our readers, we are again struck by the wisdom and sensitivity of women. The theme of R-E-S-P-E-C-T, as Aretha Franklin put it, dominates the way successful mothers-in-law relate to their offspring and their partners. When we consider the relationship from the eyes of our children and look at the challenges they face, we can focus on how they are maturing rather than on how we are coping with their development. Their growth can give us a sense of pride and satisfaction when we view them as the fellow adults they have become.

As one MIL put it, "Becoming a new mother-in-law last August, I would say that there are subtle changes in a mother's relationship with her child as well as that child's new spouse. Basically, the focus for them becomes their relationship with each other, and this changes the relationships with their families of origin. As parents, we must recognize this fact and respect their new challenges and priorities. It may be painful in ways to release a primary relationship with one's child -- almost like 'empty nest' again -- but I don't believe being married lessens their love, just their priorities."

Thinking back to the time you were a bride and daughter-in-law yourself can remind you about the needs of the new couple and provide some ideas about how to move forward in transforming your relationship. A MIL continues, "I know I will miss my time alone with my child, but I can also make occasional efforts to arrange some special time, knowing that possibly my child would also occasionally appreciate some private time with me. I often reflect on how I felt in relation to my parents after getting married -- and this gives me new insights into how my getting married affected them! It boils down to experiences and emotions every generation shares."

Another MIL, who was coping with the resistance of one of her children to accept the same-sex partner of another, received these words of support from a reader: "I know the other son will come around. We have friends with a gay son whose oldest son was quite discriminating at first and who now loves and understands his younger brother. I am learning that change takes time and patience."

This MIL also focused on some of the positives that come from having a good relationship with children-in-law, noting: "I have to say that my daughter's partner has allowed and even encouraged our daughter to see her parents in a new light. Our new daughter-in-law loves and appreciates who we are and this has given our daughter a new love for the people who raised her."

So, son-in-law or daughter-in-law, same-sex or opposite sex partner, the issues are often the same. And the solutions too - respect, patience, acceptance, and most of all, love.

Please continue to send in your stories and comments so we can share them with other MILs out there!

Mothers-in-Law Speak Up

Our recent Stepping Stones newsletter generated a flurry of readers' comments - not surprising since the topic was mothers-in-law. That's been a hot-button relationship since the beginning of time. We appreciate hearing from our readers and decided to open the discussion about in-law relationships to all of you on our blog this week.

You'll find a sampling of the responses below - feel free to weigh in on them yourselves. And send in your personal stories about getting along with your own mother-in-law or about your relations with your daughters-in-law and sons-in-law.

We focused the May newsletter, in honor of mother's day, on getting along with sons-in-law. A prime example is Marian Robinson, who made news by living under the same roof - in the White House - as her son-in-law, President Obama. Yet many of issues we talk about and the tips we provide in that newsletter apply to daughters-in-law as well as to sons-in-law.

One young woman thought she recognized her own family dynamics in some of the tips: "I felt like my husband was an example of the what to do/not to do with a mother-in-law. Interesting timing for such an article given some of the recent joys and tensions we've experienced."

A mother-in-law also wrote that she found the newsletter topic timely: "Interesting I could read this just now. My daughter-in-law has a less than stellar attitude about me. We just sent the kids some fun gifts for their anniversary. My husband said we shouldn't force our attentions on them. I said that her attitude shouldn't influence how we naturally are. So we sent them. I don't know how she took it, but we got a call from our son. He appreciated. So, GO for it, Mrs. Obama's mother! I hope she does something good for us all."

We were especially touched by the following comment: "I love receiving your online newsletter and enjoy the ideas, suggestions and articles. In this current newsletter you talk about being a 
mother-in-law. I would like to encourage more "inclusion" when you address 
this and future such topics. I am a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians 
and Gays) mother and extremely supportive of my Lesbian daughter and her 
new partner. I have a new daughter-in-law and I couldn't love and 
appreciate anyone more than I do her. Thanks for considering my point of 
view."

We would like to hear from other mothers of gay and lesbian children about your experiences with your children's partners. We'll talk more about this during the week. 


Another woman with a daughter-in-law wrote in asking for more tips about how to improve their relationship. "I'm a new mother-in-law ... to my son's new wife! I'm a little surprised that your advice in the newsletter on becoming a mother-in-law is only focused on becoming one to a male spouse of a daughter."

If you are also wondering about getting along with a daughter-in-law, you can find an article we wrote about this by clicking on the title above. It will take you to our website www.HerMentorCenter.com, and an article in the Expanding Family section of Nourishing Relationships entitled, "From Baby Boomer to Mother-in-Law: How to Play Your New Role." It talks about the issues that commonly come up in the relationship with a daughter-in-law and gives some tips about relating better.

What You Can Learn from President Obama's Mother-in-Law

Now that Michelle Obama's mother is living in the White House, will the cruel jokes and snide remarks about mothers-in-law finally stop? Will Marian Robinson, as first mother-in-law, be able to pave the way for acceptance, even respect, for this much-maligned branch of the family tree? Only time, and the nightly comedians, will tell.

If you have a new son-in-law yourself, you can use Mrs. Robinson and other successful in-laws as your guides. Let them teach you how to adjust to your new role. It's not easy. Once you've made the final payment for your daughter’s dream wedding, you may find yourself relegated to the back burner.

Instead of you, your daughter's new husband is now the one who shares her confidences. After spending the past couple of decades as an active and involved mom, do you now feel like a Lame Duck? Even more important, how can you learn to relate to the guy who is now the center of your daughter’s universe? Tune in this week for some tips to get you started with your own son-in-law.

In the meantime, if you have a new daughter-in-law, click on the title above to go to www.HerMentorCenter.com and read some tips about how to improve your relations with her.