A Woman's Nation: A Continuing Conversation

Although this is the last day we're focusing on 'A Woman's Nation', the conversation must continue. Exerpts of this post are from the Huffington Post article written by Chai Feldblum and Katie Corrigan, co-directors of Workplace Flexibility 2010. An initiative of Georgetown University Law Center, this project advocates for family friendly work policies and legislation.

It's important to look more closely at how workforce trends are impacting our family lives. Over two thirds of American families don't have someone at home who handles the household responsibilities. With both parents working, many struggle to succeed at work while meeting the demands of family, and often feel they fail to achieve either very well.
This issue impacts Sandwiched Boomers who are faced with the challenges of caring for a family in flux, whether it's growing children, aging parents or both. But the struggle to balance work and home is often seen as a problem that each employee or family must face alone.

The continuing conversation needs to include movement toward workplace flexibility that meets the needs of both employers and families. This approach supports individuals' control over the scheduling of their work hours and includes options such as condensed workweeks and telecommuting. Study results indicate that flexibility increases productivity by keeping workers healthier and happier as well as cuts employer costs by reducing turnover.

President Obama spoke this week about the incredible juggling act working women go through every day. And how to best support working parents is one of Michelle Obama's priorities. She is particularly concerned about policies providing sick leave, increased maternity leave and flexible work arrangements.

Let's hope that the buzz around the Shriver Report results in a national conversation about how to shift the infrastructure of the workplace to meet the realities facing families today. And we can start right here, right now.

Respect their Boundaries

Follow these tips to develop a bond with your son-in-law that will grow through the years. As an accepted mother-in-law, you can enjoy the connections with your new family member.

Avoid hot button issues like finances, religious observances, and work/home responsibilities. By taking sides, you make it harder for the newlyweds to sort out these issues for themselves. When you have expectations that are not shared by them, recognize that now it’s their turn to make this type of decision.

Be available to help when asked but don't intrude. As the new couple settles into their routine and lifestyle, they may ask for your help or support. Pitch in and be responsive to their needs when you can, but don't overstep the boundaries.

Find support from your spouse and friends. When you’re frustrated, share with others who will understand what you’re going through and use them as a sounding board. When all else fails, laugh together as inductees in the sisterhood of mothers-in-law.

Click on the title above to take you to our article, Boomer Women and Friendship: The Gift You Give Yourself for some ideas about how your friends can help you get through this challenge - and lots of other ones.

These tips can help you build the kind of relationship with your son-in-law that Marian Robinson has with President Obama. He and Michelle respect her and trust her to help with their children. Embrace your new role of mother-in-law. You, too, have the power to make this an enriching chapter for everyone in the family.

And please join us tomorrow as we welcome therapists Stephen James and David Thomas to discuss their book, Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys.

What You Can Learn from President Obama's Mother-in-Law

Now that Michelle Obama's mother is living in the White House, will the cruel jokes and snide remarks about mothers-in-law finally stop? Will Marian Robinson, as first mother-in-law, be able to pave the way for acceptance, even respect, for this much-maligned branch of the family tree? Only time, and the nightly comedians, will tell.

If you have a new son-in-law yourself, you can use Mrs. Robinson and other successful in-laws as your guides. Let them teach you how to adjust to your new role. It's not easy. Once you've made the final payment for your daughter’s dream wedding, you may find yourself relegated to the back burner.

Instead of you, your daughter's new husband is now the one who shares her confidences. After spending the past couple of decades as an active and involved mom, do you now feel like a Lame Duck? Even more important, how can you learn to relate to the guy who is now the center of your daughter’s universe? Tune in this week for some tips to get you started with your own son-in-law.

In the meantime, if you have a new daughter-in-law, click on the title above to go to www.HerMentorCenter.com and read some tips about how to improve your relations with her.

Obama's Mother-in-law is Moving In

In this administration, with such a protective mom in chief, one major focus on the home-front will be the first daughters. The goal of these devoted parents is to help the girls find their way in their new environment. And Michelle's mom is moving in for now, to provide a constant presence and keep the girls grounded. When asked about the relationship with his mother-in-law, the president, among other things, said: "I don't tell my mother-in-law what to do." Doesn't it sound like our new president is off to a really good start?

What follows are some ideas that may help you and your family:

Look at your situation and decide what works for you. If you need some time by yourself, be sure to fit that into your plans. When you want to reconnect with your teenagers, plan outings that will appeal to both of you. If your parents are up to it, invite them on a family vacation. Your children will benefit from spending quality time with their grandparents. And it will give you free time and the chance for you and your partner to catch up without distractions.

Do what is necessary to maintain familiarity and continuity. If you nurture your family and stabilize their environment, they will feel more secure. The structure in their lives and the support you give them will relieve feelings of anxiety or stress. Children are resilient and, as you model positive thinking and hope, they will thrive. The rewards can be immeasurable for the whole family.

For additional tips, click on the title of this post and read our article, From Baby Boomer to Mother-in-Law: How to Play Your New Role.

Tips for the Sandwich Generation Family

Our focus this week has been on Obama family values. And their move into the White House, which includes Michelle's mother, marks a major transition for all of them. No Sandwich Generation family always runs smoothly. And there can be problems that aren't that easy to fix. As you evaluate the kind of support and strategies you need right now, keep the following tips in mind:

Make sure your expectations are realistic. You may have very clear ideas about how you want your family to be. But realize that every member will have their own way of handling challenges, conflicts and disappointments. Don't think that what's a priority for you will be the same for everyone. And remember that the present state of affairs won't last.

Be willing to compromise. With a situation you can't agree on in a family relationship that matters a lot, take the time to understand both sides of the issue. Validate everyone's feelings and try to withhold blame. It's not necessary to excuse bad behavior, but show support for what they're going through. If in the past you have gone underground and then exploded later, don't let these feelings fester. Acknowledge the part that you play in the conflict and deal with it. Negotiating an agreement that both of you can live with is often the best way to move on.

Set long-range goals about what you want to accomplish as well as short-term objectives that will help you reach them. These concrete plans provide the basic foundation and parameters for change in your partner, your children, your parents and yourself. As you successfully move forward, step by step, your self-confidence will grow. Ongoing action and a positive attitude will motivate you to stay on track and ultimately reach your family goals.

Tomorrow we'll finish up our set of tips. Log on and let us hear about the family issues you're facing and how you're managing.

The Obama Family and Family Values

In a recent letter to his girls, President Obama wrote: "I want you to grow up in a world with no limits on your dreams and no achievements beyond your reach.….." Now that's a strong message from a father to his daughters.

Some say that the Obamas are the kind of family they would like to be. Michelle has a healthy attitude about parenting that resonates for those with strong family values. And she has talked about her personal struggle of juggling work and kids, not that different from any other ordinary American working mother. More than we might expect, given her training and high-powered career, the division of labor in the marriage has been fairly traditional. Michelle is an involved mom and has said that the wellbeing of her girls comes first.

As Barack tells it, all the men in his life were fragile, but the women could always be relied upon. In his wife, he sees a lot of his grandmother - the practical, no-nonsense woman who raised him. He likes that Michelle insists he be the kind of father he never had. And just as she is a reflection of his values, their partnership is a good indication of the character strengths and listening skills he brings to the White House.

Join us here tomorrow for a Virtual Book Tour, featuring author Lynn Goodwin whose book is called "You Want Me to do What?" She will be answering questions about journaling for caregivers.

Hillary Clinton brought women into the political process with an intensity not seen since they campaigned passionately for the right to vote. And what happened to her candidacy is what countless Sandwiched Boomer women have experienced. Finally positioning themselves for the big job, after years of taking care of others - including the families of their partners - it is given to someone else.

Moving into the White House will bring big changes for Michelle Obama and her family. She says that she will be a mother first, caring for her daughters, attending their school events and ballet recitals. But Michelle is a lawyer and a strong woman – a role model in a unique position and committed to helping working families.

When Hillary told her supporters to get behind Barack Obama, she knew what she was talking about. What political issues are most important to your family and what do you hope the new administration will do about them?

All four women in the political spotlight this fall fit into the category of Baby Boomers, albeit at different ends. Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama just make it at 44 years old, while Cindy McCain, at 54, and Jill Biden, at 57, are near the leading edge. Though of different ages and backgrounds - and, often, dissimilar attitudes and beliefs - they share with other boomers the cultural history of that generation. Undoubtedly, they have the same kinds of challenges that you as Sandwiched Boomers experience.

We have focused this week on the delicate balance of career and children that the candidate and candidates' wives' have achieved. Both of those currently with growing children - Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin - have acknowledged that they depend upon the help of their families in caring for their children. In Michelle Obama's case, her 71-year old mother Marian Robinson plays the role of nanny to her children. Sarah Palin draws heavily on her husband, Todd, for parenting duties; her mother, Sally (age 67) and father, Chuck (age 69) Heath, and her sister step in when he is unavailable. These women know that they cannot do everything alone and must reach out for support from their families.

As if with children, career, marriage and politics, they didn't have enough to deal with, all of these women also are faced with the potential needs of aging parents, parents-in-law, and even grandparents, putting them in the position of Sandwiched Boomers. Michelle Obama's grandmother-in-law, Madelyn Dunham, is 86 and reported to be in ill health in Hawaii. Cindy McCain's mother-in-law, Roberta McCain, is still independent and feisty at age 96, but at a certain point, she could require assistance. Jill Biden's mother, Bonnie Jacobs, in her late 70's, lives in Pennsylvania and her mother-in-law, Jean Biden, is 91. Sarah Palin's mother-in-law, Blanche Palin, in her late 60's and part Yu'pik Eskimo, lives in Alaska as does her stepmother-in-law, Faye Palin.

So: Michelle, Cindy, Sarah and Jill - we are counting on you. You know from first-hand experience the difficulties faced by Sandwiched Boomers. We hope that whoever occupies the White House and Vice-President's house this coming January, you will be in tune with the needs of other women facing these tough challenges and do what you can to help your fellow Sandwiched Boomers.

Like Governor Sarah Palin and Dr. Jill Biden, 44-year old Michelle Obama has pursued a fulltime career while raising her two young daughters. After completing her Ivy League education - undergraduate at Princeton University and a law degree from Harvard University - she was working at a prestigious Chicago law firm when she met Barack Obama, who came to work for the firm as a summer associate. After marrying, she continued working, using her legal background, in Chicago political and community activities.

Once her husband began running in the primaries, Michelle combined mothering with appearing on the campaign trail. In her appearances, Michelle has been outspoken in her opinions and beliefs, sometimes making controversial statements, such as "For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback." As the campaign has progressed, she has softened her image from the initial, angry positions she took, portraying herself as the embodiment of the American dream.

Do you feel that, as a woman, you are asked to curb the expression of your own opinions when others perceive them as too harsh? Are you forced, in a sense, to air brush your personality, making it gentler? Is it more important to fulfill the expectations of others or to be your authentic self? All of these questions come to the surface as more and more women move up the career ladder or take on more responsibilities in the family and the world.

The first night of the Democratic Convention was a parade of the past and the future. Senator Edward Kennedy, ailing in the twilight of his 46 year career, displayed bravery and determination as he expressed his support for Barack Obama.

The story Michelle Obama told was the story of the American dream. While in the context of letting us know more about her personal family experience, we saw the uniqueness and greatness of opportunity in this country - how the descendents of slaves can reach the pinnacle of success. She talked about a new tide of hope and fighting for a world as it should be. She referenced others like Senator Hillary Clinton, who put so many cracks in the glass ceiling so our sons and daughters can aim a little higher.

The question is whether or not Michelle's narrative can serve to bridge the divide. Will Michelle become a role model - or, at least, encourage some of the Clinton supporters to begin shifting their loyalty in order to truly unite the party?