TomKat Has Split But You Can Stay Together

The statistics remain grim: one in every two marriages continue to end in divorce. The speculation is that knowing these figures, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes agreed to a very specific prenuptial agreement. Maybe that's why TomKat was able to come to a divorce agreement so quickly. But given that you likely had other things on your mind before the wedding, let's turn the tables on the celebrities and give our attention to preserving our own intimate relationships.

If you're a Sandwiched Boomer your energies may often be sapped by your responsibilities to career, growing kids and aging parents – so reconnecting with your partner may take second place. Here are some more tips to reaffirm that intimate relationship and make yourselves the stars of your own romantic comedy:

Talk. Often. And make it real communication as you open up and honestly share your needs and desires. Use your active listening skills and send I-messages without criticizing your partner. You'll be building a strong foundation of trust and caring as you do.

Be willing to apologize. When you've made an error, you don't have to be defensive about it. Take personal responsibility for your bad behavior and be genuine when you say, I'm sorry.

Work hard to forgive. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Your partner may have done something that ended up hurting you without meaning to. When you let go of anger and resentment, it leads to a more positive attitude for both of you.

Fight fair. Provide a safe environment as you both avoid threatening behavior like name-calling and blaming your partner's character or personality. Be empathic and look at the issue from your partner's perspective. That makes it easier to cooperate, look for solutions and reconcile.

Resolve hot button issues or put them to rest. Use conflict resolution to reduce the stress between you so you can be more flexible and work towards a compromise. If necessary, allow yourselves to 'agree to disagree' on certain topics and then take them off the table.

Recall why you fell in love. Remember and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Compliment your partner freely and let him or her know how much you care. Bring back the romance in your relationship and create real intimacy.

When you invest in your partnership, your behavior will reflect this deep commitment. You'll make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. And you'll reap valuable dividends in well-being that won't be taxed no matter what changes occur in the codes.

What Lessons Can We Take from the TomKat Split?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are back in the news – not for Tom's newest film or Katie's latest shopping spree or even the size of Suri's "high" heels, but because of their divorce proceedings. Will this become just more summer beach reading for the rest of us or can we put our own close relationships in the spotlight and work on improving them? While there's been intense speculation about what has actually gone on between the celebrity couple, we don't really need to know the reason for the breakup of their marriage to focus on improving our own loving partnerships.

With summer weddings and anniversaries coming up – mine is later this week! – here are some tips for strengthening your own intimate relationship:

Respect each other. While your views may be different, you don't have to agree with each other to value your partner's opinions. When you understand where he or she is coming from, you're more likely to appreciate their position. Even Democrat James Carville and Republican Mary Matalin, political consultants coming from beliefs 180 degrees apart, have been married for close to 20 years and are still going strong.

Make time for being together. Connect often for shared experiences and activities – going out for dinner, taking long walks through the neighborhood, attending a class in wine-tasting, couple's dancing or photography. Regularly set aside time for special activities together, either at home or away. Take turns planning a date night that will remind you both of why you fell in love.

Allow for your own space. Recognize that you don't have to share all of your interests and that you each have a right to pursue your own passions. Maintain your set of individual friends and activities - a writing workshop, a weekly sports game, volunteering at a soup kitchen, book club. Venturing out independently makes your reconnection all the more interesting and exciting. And if one of you is an introvert who feels energized by being alone, allow for that distancing time as well.

Have fun. Free yourselves to be playful and affectionate together. You'll notice that touch has healing qualities for both of you. As you engage with each other, the stress of the rest of the world fades into the background. Let yourselves be kids again and enjoy bringing spontaneity and laughter back into your relationship.

Resolve to incorporate these steps into your intimate relationship and look for more tips on Wednesday to help you avoid the pitfalls of the TomKat relationship.

Send Your Kids to Camp and Improve Your Marriage

Does the thought of sleep-away camp stir up anxiety for your children and for you? Of course, there are unknowns in any unfamiliar situation. Yet camp is a great opportunity for kids to develop their interests, confidence and independence.

And believe it or not, sleep-away camp can be the best thing for your marriage. As a member of the sandwich generation, caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, your life is more than full. I bet it’s been quite a while since you had meaningful time alone with your partner. So here are four tips that can help you relax into the comfort of a totally adult relationship:

Invest in each other. When you’re managing an active family and a demanding career, your marriage often ends up on the back burner. Now you can focus on your relationship, just as you would any valuable asset. You’ll feel treasured as the emotional dividends grow.

Give the gift of time. Take turns planning activities you'll both enjoy. Rent a bicycle built for two, walk on the beach or take a hike in the woods. Sneak away from work and meet at a museum or enjoy a picnic in the park. Surprise each other and be spontaneous with your affection.

Act like kids and laugh a lot. When the kids are around, all the organizing, cooking and laundry add to your stress. Let off steam, have fun and be playful. It’ll remind you about who you are at the core and why you fell in love.

Create romance and intimacy. If this has been on your 'to do' list for a long time, here's your chance to make it happen. No need to make love on the run. Turn on the music, light candles and share that bottle of wine you've been saving for a special occasion.

Time flies--before you know it, your campers will be home, talking about new friends and the good times they had. Throughout the school year, remember to savor the memories of your brief second honeymoon. And save your mad money to hold a place for them in camp next summer.

Virtual Book Tour: Acting Techniques for Everyday Life

Readers, we're delighted you've joined our Virtual Book Tour today and a hearty welcome to author Jane Marla Robbins. We think that you'll be very interested in what this successful actress and performance coach has to say about her thought provoking book, Acting Techniques for Everyday Life: Look And Feel Self-Confident in Difficult Real Life Situations. So let's get started on some readers’ questions:

Nourishing Relationships: I am in a wonderful marriage, we don’t fight often, but when we do, I fall apart and I hate when that happens. Any tips?

Jane Marla Robbins: Actors often imagine personal images on the back wall of a theater. So, on the wall behind your husband, you might imagine some symbol of the love between you, some image of the good times you have shared. It could be the picture of Gustav Klimt’s famous lovers, if that makes you smile and trust in your love. Or it could be an image of you and your husband dancing when you just met and fell in love. Our bodies react to imaginary images, if we really see them, just as if their reality were actually there. Archetypal images are particularly powerful, and could help you to be grounded in the reality of your love instead of in a fear that your love will not survive the argument.

N R: My mother-in-law is sometimes so critical of me, I want to shrivel up and die. Are there any acting techniques I can use for being with her?

J M R: Let’s say your mother-in-law tells you you’re fat or stupid--or whatever insensitive label she manages to put on you. Try writing an Inner Monologue to say silently to yourself, as she’s criticizing you, or, worst case scenario, afterwards. It might include some of the following: “She isn’t really talking to me, she’s talking to herself. She hates herself. I’m okay. She’s mean. I should never expect love and support from her. If I want love and support, I have other people to whom I should go.”

You might write your Inner Monologue on a piece of paper and put it in your pocket. You can always just put your hand in your pocket, feel the piece of paper, and remember your truth. Writing down words on a piece of paper, words that remind us of our strength, or the insanity of our attacker, helps a lot of people.

N R: When I go out for dinner with my boyfriend and his friends, every time I begin to speak, my boyfriend interrupts--even though he’s complained that I don’t speak up enough when we’re with his friends.

J M R: Here’s the Acting Technique I suggest you use: Speak the Truth. Tom Hanks says the ability to tell the truth is essential for any good performance. A lot of people need to practice knowing what the truth is and how to speak it. And a lot of us need to learn when not to say it, if it will make a relationship worse. In this case, however, I would suggest that you Speak the Truth to your boyfriend, and tell him that it doesn’t help if he interrupts. After all, at least we know he wants you to speak up more! If you can’t speak this simple Truth to your boyfriend, maybe he’s not the right boyfriend. On the other hand, if you work up the courage to tell him, you may be surprised by his reaction. He might even stop interrupting. He might even apologize. (A good test.)

N R: My brother and his wife, who I luckily don’t see very often, are nevertheless quite nasty and mean to me when I do. Is there an Acting Technique you would recommend when I have to see them at our family functions?

J M R: The first time I consciously used an Acting Technique in my “real life” I was frankly amazed that it actually worked. I was having to spend time with a man who had just married into my family, and who apparently could not be in the same room with me without mocking me, belittling me, or somehow putting me down. The times I had to see him became unbearable.

Then one day I pretended he had leprosy. I just told myself, “He has leprosy.” I didn’t imagine boils on his face, or bones sticking out of his hands, I just said, “I’ll try it. I’ll pretend he has leprosy.” I was using a simple acting technique called the Magic As If. I merely acted As If he had leprosy. It worked.

For one thing, it helped me to avoid him. I was pretending he had some terrible disease I could actually catch, why would I have wanted to get near him? So for starters I never got close enough for him to start in. The odd thing about my adventure with leprosy is that the day after I tried it, the guy actually told his wife, “Jane seemed better yesterday, didn’t you think?” Did he feel compassion from me for his disease (his meanness)? Or was it that, because I avoided him, he was no longer threatened by my energy, and therefore didn’t feel the need to try and diminish it or me? The bottom line is it worked; the abuse was over.

Leprosy may not work for you. If it doesn’t, you could of course substitute another disease for the people who upset you and from whom you may want to keep your distance. You can still love them (always a good idea!)--just don’t get too close!

N R: I just started dating someone, but I can feel myself wanting to rush into a relationship and I’m afraid she’s going to bolt. Any advice?

J M R: Try an actor’s “Inner Monologue.” Here’s one you might keep in your pocket and /or repeat in your head: “I enjoy building this relationship slowly.” Or, “I deserve to really know this person before I jump in the sac or marry them.” Or you might keep the Perfect Prop in your pocket, maybe a pair of glasses, to remind you really to see the larger picture here, to remind yourself really to see the woman. Not easy after only two dates! Or you could bring along a doggy collar and leash in your pocket--to remind you to put on the brakes and slow down.

N R: I am newly married, I love my husband but I am not always comfortable with his family. I think they don’t like me, they’re not very nice to me.

J M R: Here’s what worked for one of my clients: when you’re with them, you might imagine seeing and smelling a bouquet of your favorite flower (or box of your favorite chocolates, or whatever makes you totally happy). Bottom line: you’ll be smiling. And no one will know why. More important, you will know why. This will give you an extra sense of power, so you won’t feel as uncomfortable or unhappy or like a victim with this “not very nice” family.

The bouquet (or its substitute) works not only because you will have tricked your body into believing your favorite flowers are in front of you, but also because you will have given a gift to yourself, a special gift, which, like any perfect present you might receive, can make you happy. Plus, you will have a secret. Secrets help us to feel powerful, because when we’re afraid, our body fears being robbed--of its self-confidence, joy and ultimately of its life. But when we have a secret, we know it cannot be stolen, because nobody knows that we have it in the first place.

The gift of the “bouquet” will also make you feel gifted and loved, just as you would feel if you were in fact given your favorite gift. And when you feel really loved, you cannot feel uncomfortable and afraid. Plus you will no longer be the passive victim, but consciously active, an actor in your own life.

N R: I’m suddenly nervous with someone I’ve just started dating and want to be cool. Any tips?

J M R: Here’s a technique to help you be not only “cool,’ but also Your Most Authentic, Relaxed and Best Self. It’s called Sense Memory. When, and only when you suddenly feel nervous, and not all you want to be (funny, charming, relaxed, smart, whatever), you would sensorily transform the person with whom you’re nervous into someone with whom you’re very comfortable. So you might smell your best friend’s perfume, or hear his or her laugh. Look at the person who may be making you nervous, and compare his or her hair to your Best Friend’s--Is it darker, longer? Or you could see your best friend’s eyes, with their mischievous glint, replacing the eyes of the person who makes you uncomfortable. Your whole body will relax AS IF the person with whom you feel fabulous is actually there.

N R: I have to see my ex, a difficult man. We have business to do and need to be together. Any advice?

J M R: Try Playing a Character. Meryl Streep always works for me. In extremis, sometimes playing a lion is needed. Your “Actor’s Adjustment” will be your secret. When you shake your head, only you will know it’s a lion’s mane, or that your nails are claws, should you need them.

N R: My boyfriend and I get into fights. They’re not that bad, but particularly when he gets angry, I get very upset. Is there an acting technique to help me with this?

J M R: Try finding the Perfect Prop, and even hold onto it in your pocket during an argument. It could be a piece of paper with your Inner Monologue, maybe with the words, “We will resolve this, we always do. We love each other.” You might also remind yourself that anger will not kill you. That said, it is always deeply upsetting for me to be with someone who is angry.

Other props might work--maybe a locket in your pocket from your most loving grandmother. Just touching it in the face of insanity could remind you of the people who love and support you, to remind you that the world is ultimately a safe and loving place. When we feel safe and loved, arguments are actually easy.

N R: I have a meeting with my boss. I like him, but I’m actually a little intimidated by him. I know our meetings would go better if I weren’t so intimidated. Is there an acting technique that might be helpful?

J M R: I’m suggesting you have an arsenal of Sensory Memories that make you feel strong and happy. Scientific experiments at Harvard show that using the right Sense Memory (which the medical establishment calls “guided sensory imagery”) can lower your blood pressure, as well as your pain and anxiety levels. In other words, if you use the right Sense Memory, you and your body actually get stronger. So, what makes you feel strong and courageous, instead of intimidated and afraid? An awesome waterfall? Then imagine one on the wall behind your interviewer. If you sensorially re-create one, your body will not know the difference between the real waterfall and the imaginary one. Our cells hold the reality of all our sensory memories, that’s how our bodies are wired.

The senses, as Pavlov proved, are a doorway to the unconscious. For example, if you were to imagine a lemon wedge in your hand, tried to smell it, feel it and taste the juice in your mouth, you would probably start salivating. If, on the other hand, you were simply to command yourself to salivate, which is an automatic, unconscious response, like discomfort or nervousness, it’s unlikely that you would.

So, don’t logically tell yourself not to be nervous for a meeting with someone that might make anybody nervous. But give yourself a pleasurable Sense Memory and see if you don’t start relaxing and even smiling. Use any or all of your senses. You might imagine you’re drinking champagne--but only if it makes you relaxed and open, not drunk and stupid. You’d imagine tasting it, smelling its sweetness, feeling the bubbles on your nose, feeling your body relax.

Or you could hear a piece of music that makes you feel strong. Samuel L. Jackson heard the theme from Star Wars in his head for his fight scene in Star Wars II. He says it galvanized him and made him feel powerful. Feeling “intimidated” is just feeling afraid; but when we feel strong, we’re so much less likely to be scared.

N R: There’s someone at work who just can’t help being mean to me. Is there an Acting Technique I could use to help me not want to cry?

J M R: One of my clients, whose brother is particularly hard for her to be with, sings the following lyrics to herself when she is with him, to the tune of “I Feel Pretty” from Westside Story: “I don’t like him, I don’t like him. He’s withholding and nasty and mean. I don’t like him, it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.” Scientific studies show that both words and music alter our brain’s chemistry--whether actually heard or imagined.

Thanks, Jane, for such insight and thorough responses. Now, readers, it's your turn to share your thoughts and ask Jane questions. Just click on 'comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'anonymous' - it's as easy as that. And if you want to learn more about Jane and her work, spend some time on her website.

Get Ready to Refresh Your Marriage

If you’re new to this blog, scroll down to Monday and read the post about how to make a good marriage better. There you’ll find practical tips and links to get you off to a good start. And below are a few more ideas that may help:

Ask for what you need. No one’s a mind reader. Sometimes, out of frustration or resentment, couples stop talking. Recommit to understanding each other’s anger or disappointment. If you meet halfway, you’ll both get more of what you want.

Invest in your own happiness. It will relieve pressure and your partner won’t have to be a major source of your wellbeing. By taking action in your own life, you'll feel more confident, have a better attitude, be more interesting and your relationship will reap the dividends.

Express your gratitude often. Compliments serve as positive reinforcement at the very times when you may be taking each other for granted. If you find yourself distancing, try to see your partner in a different light. Purposely look for qualities you love in each other. And when you’re thinking something positive, say it out loud.

Only you know what it’ll take to make you feel more fulfilled. Communicate it directly yet be flexible as you make your way through differences and disagreements. A shift in the dynamics can result from something as simple as a weekly date night or training together for a marathon. And being satisfied with small changes will bring more pleasure and greater intimacy into your relationship.

How to Make a Good Marriage Better

You know what they about a stable marriage that’s moving along with no major hurdles - ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ But you may feel that your relationship just hasn’t reached its full potential or that something is missing. Believe it or not, you can break out of the routine and recapture some of the magic.

According to the field of interpersonal neurobiology, the brain is constantly changing. And that has a lot to do with your daily interactions. All relationships, especially loving ones, alter the brain circuits that shape memories and emotions. Think about when you first met your spouse - the immediate attraction, the flow of attachment hormones, the we-can’t-live-without-each-other interdependency.

This alchemy continues throughout life, and how we treat each other matters. In a loving relationship, we can change each other’s neural functions when we decide to be more mindful, attentive and compassionate. And holding hands is enough to reduce stress and minimize physical pain. So whether you want to release euphoria-inducing chemicals like dopamine and adrenaline or change the wiring in your brain, here are some ideas to consider:

Invest emotionally. Make time for each other just as you would for any valuable asset. Remember why you fell in love and keep romance alive. A gentle touch or quick hug releases oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces stress levels. When you're feeling tense, an affectionate moment can help you feel relaxed, closer, more loved. Studies show that celebrating positive events predict greater relationship satisfaction than commiserating over negative ones. The efforts you both make will be returned in multiples.

Eliminate boredom. Although lightheartedness is often one of the first casualties of hectic family life, when the kids grow up you may feel a void and realize your relationship isn't exciting anymore. Do you wonder who is this person and what did I first see in him? If so, talk to your partner about how you feel, without judging or accusing. And come to the conversation prepared with suggestions for change. Plan some adventures and discover new activities you both enjoy. Take on a physical challenge together and train to make it happen. Have fun together, laugh and bring humor into your daily life. Being playful can lead to greater intimacy.

Interested in sharing how you've worked to change your relationship? Just click on ‘comments’ below and follow the prompts. And log on Wednesday for more practical insight about refreshing your marriage.

Gray Divorce

Are you and your spouse still happy, sharing activities like exercising together? If so, you may not know about a new trend hitting baby boomers - Gray Divorce. In the past 20 years, the divorce rate for boomers has doubled even as the total divorce rate has been going down. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2009 more than 25% of all divorces were among couples over 50.

AARP has identified that in 2/3 of these divorces, it is women who seek the split. Often their motivation is to enjoy the years ahead after children have been raised and left home. With the expectation of many extra years of an empty nest, these women choose to focus on satisfying their personal needs and goals rather than remaining in an unhappy marriage. In other cases, about ¼ of the time, a wife institutes the proceedings after an infidelity by her husband.

For over 50% of gray divorces today, this is not their first experience with a split. The risk of a second divorce is two times greater than for those still in their first marriage. And for a third marriage, the risk of a divorce is four times more likely. Other high-risk groups for gray divorce are African Americans and those with only a high school education. To avoid making the decision to divorce, marital therapists like Dr. John Gottman encourage midlife couples to respond to each other's attempts at reconnection.

While being alone is the greatest fear of boomers after a divorce, the vast majority rate themselves as happy. Still, there are some difficult consequences for wives and husbands: women tend to have greater financial difficulties while men generally have less contact with their children than before. Preparing for possible negative outcomes of a late in life divorce can help you cope with these unusual challenges.

For more insight about the issues in a second adulthood, join us on Wednesday when Susan Lieberman, Ph.D. answers our questions about her newest book, Getting Old is a Full Time Job: Moving on From a Life of Working Hard. Dr. Lieberman will introduce us to the 12 "jobs" she's identified that we need to complete as we move from work to "what's next." Be a part of the conversation with Susan here on Wednesday.

How to Work Your Way toward Valentine's Day

If you’re a Sandwiched Boomer, caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, Valentine’s Day may be just one more responsibility you have to take care of. Are you trying to balance work and family with little choice but to leave your love relationship on the back burner? Busy people under pressure often hurt the one they love. Not ideal circumstances as we approach the most romantic day of the year.

Marital relationship experts seem to focus on minimizing the negatives – don’t nag, don’t be controlling, don’t overreact, don’t withhold sex.

But why not concentrate on the do’s instead of the don’ts? Positive reinforcements can help increase attraction, motivation and connection. So if you apply these practical and easy-to-implement insights, you may begin to see positive changes, just in time for Valentine’s Day:

Express gratitude. Remembering to say thank you may sound overly simplistic, but it can help bring to mind your partner’s good qualities. Compliments serve as positive reinforcements at times when you may be preoccupied with work and kids or taking each other for granted.

Try to compromise. Be direct, yet open and flexible as you make your way through disagreements. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes and truly understanding the other point of view can help resolve conflict quickly without so many lingering resentments.

Log on Wednesday for more practical tips about achieving marital success.

In the meantime, would you like to download a complimentary eBook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching Your Goals? All you have to do is sign the email list to the left of this post. You'll also receive our free monthly eZine, Stepping Stones, with lots of ideas about how to resolve your family problems.

Care-giving 101: Boomers Beware

What an unfortunate end to a terrific week at the lake, with all our kids and grandsons, celebrating my husband's birthday. During one final swim, he slipped on the dock, had to have surgery on a fracture through the knee joint and is now only 10 days into an 8-12 week stint of no weight bearing. And yes, living in a 2nd floor walk-up, we're both counting the days!

When we're busy with our lives and moving along as usual we tend to feel bad for the injured and their caretakers but don’t really give much thought to the challenges they're facing. As with so many other circumstances, it's often through experience that we really know how it feels - and then can access a depth of compassion.

So what's it like for an active, strong willed risk taker to be rendered helpless and in the hands of the woman he's been married to for 45 years? Well, it's a new role for both of us and we're trying to learn as we go. You can't really be prepared for the unexpected but, as we age, we're all vulnerable. So here are some pointers about what we've been doing to make our way through this rough period:

The first days can be the hardest. We take so much for granted. When your partner is incapacitated, the physical and emotional challenges can't help but have a huge impact. And with a reversal of roles, while one may feel vulnerable and upset, the other's emotions can fluctuate from fear to frustration. Yet eventually both can experience a deep sense of support and renewed strength as you draw on the coping strengths that helped you manage difficult times in the past.

What you're feeling is normal. The emotions that surface can affect how you see yourselves, even on a temporary basis. Let the anger, exhaustion, resentment or guilt wash over you but don't give in to them. Try to be hopeful as you adjust to the new reality. You'll take better care of your emotional self if you don't dwell on the negatives and begin to accept that this too will pass.

Care for the care-giver. Look on the bright side of a difficult situation as you balance caring for your partner and taking care of your own needs. Make time for yourself - take a long walk or yoga class, go back to volunteer work or grandbaby sitting, enjoy lunch or a movie with a friend. Recognize what you can manage and that you don't have to do it all alone – and remember that it's OK to ask for help.

If your family has been through this, please share your ideas by clicking on 'Comments' below. And log on again Wednesday when we'll be STILL be talking about the cared for and the care-giver.

Musing About Marriage

I couldn't treat today as if it were just like any other. It's my anniversary - 46 years married to the same guy - and it's got me thinking about a lot of things: perspective, the passage of time and especially how couples can "live happily ever after." Here are some of my musings, along with the thoughts of various relationship experts.

The Pew Research Center recently conducted a national poll looking at modern marriage and new family constellations. Although more unmarried couples are living together than ever, marriage is still the gold standard in relationships, with 70% of Americans having been married at least once. The average age of first time marriage keeps rising - for men, it's 28 and for women 26. Couples want to be settled in their careers before tying the knot. Perhaps that's one reason why married folks tend to be more financially secure than couples living together.

While studies show a correlation between marriage and happiness, it's not marriage that makes you happy, it's a happy marriage that make you happy, says psychologist Daniel Gilbert. The investment of time and energy in this intimate social relationship brings a sense of wellbeing, even with the drop in happiness after the birth of a child.

We all have heard that men and women are different in many ways - they're even from separate planets according to John Gray. Men from Mars are usually intent on fixing problems while women from Venus are more attuned to talking about what is bothering them and validating their feelings. With the divorce rate continuing to hover around 50%, understanding these differences between the sexes is worth the effort it takes from both partners.

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal contrasted the styles of introverts and extroverts who happen to be married to each other. Each group makes up about half of the population, according to psychologist Laurie Helgoe, so a pairing is quite likely. While both can enjoy time spent with friends, extroverts become energized by being with other people while all that stimulation can be draining for introverts, who instead recharge themselves by being alone. Understanding the needs of your partner's preferred style and allowing for those differences makes for fewer conflicts between you and your spouse.

Encouraging love and forgiveness can sometimes be difficult when men and women cope with the stresses between them differently. While women may be comfortable talking with their spouses about stresses, men often withdraw to think about the issues. This can lead to mistakes in interpreting each other's actions: wives often believe husbands aren't interested in looking at problems while men may think women complain because it's so bad it can't be fixed.

Even if your partner seems to "complete you," most couples need friends as well as each other. Having someone to relate to outside your role as parent and partner can give you a sense of autonomy and self-worth as well as a greater appreciation of your spouse. The opportunity to hear another viewpoint can also enlarge your world and increase what you can bring back to your own marriage.

When conflicts arise, use what you know about your partner's style to help you work towards reconciliation. Once you have a better understanding of what motivates your partner to act as he does, you can consider new ways to respond. Respect his need for distance while letting him know you're ready to dialogue whenever he is. Once that door is open, identifying your feelings and asking for support can be the first steps in resolving differences between you and setting the stage for a long-term relationship.

Kate and William: Making Marriage Work

There's so much media buzz about the upcoming wedding of William and Kate. One focus seems to be on whether Kate can handle the job - hers is sort of a rags to riches story. The question is, will she just try to please or come into her own and be a role model for young women everywhere? Scroll back to our Monday blog for ideas about how the young royals can make marriage work - and then here are some more practical tips for them and you:

Keep the fun alive. Lightheartedness is often one of the first casualties of a busy and hectic life. Inject humor and laughter by joking around. It can turn into an affectionate moment which helps you feel closer, loved and even more relaxed. Making time to be playful with each other can often lead to greater intimacy.

Be sensitive to your new role as an in-law. Competition may surface if your

Happily Ever After: Tips for William and Kate

The 19th century English poet, Lord Alfred Tennyson, put this universal truth in writing: "In the spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love." And we all know there's no better time for a royal wedding. Apparently the April 29 marriage of Prince William of Wales and Kate Middleton, at Westminster Abbey with 1900 guests, will be watched by almost 2 billion people worldwide. Their long walk to the altar will be one of the most viewed TV events of the century.

Lots of girls grow up reading fairy tales about princesses and hoping to find a prince of their own. But living life in the limelight can make it hard to build a successful relationship. Whether your marriage will last depends, in part, on how you prepare for the challenges. Some of the following tips may be helpful to you and the young royals:

Don't surrender your self. Carve out a space in the marriage, keeping the activities and friendships that make you who you are. Take positive action in your own life. You'll have a more positive attitude, be interesting to your partner, and your relationship will reap the benefits.

Keep your communication honest. Talk out misunderstandings before they become full-fledged arguments. Be patient and let go of issues that aren't crucial. And stay engaged. Use the same conversational etiquette that you would with anyone else you care about and respect.

Try to compromise. Be direct, yet open and flexible as you make your way through disagreements. Truly understanding the other point of view can help resolve a conflict more easily and quickly. A gentle touch or a quick hug releases oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces stress levels.

Be sure to come back on Wednesday, as we'll have additional tips for the royal couple. And if you're interested in more information about relationships and conflict resolution, click here - Her Mentor Center.com has lots of articles in Family Relationships and Newsletter Library .

Improving Your Relationship for Valentine's Day

With research statistics still indicating that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce, you can beat the odds by resolving this Valentine's Day to work on improving your marriage.
Photo by Clare Bloomfield / Freedigitalphotos.net

Instead of letting your arguments spiral out of control, vow to use fair fighting techniques and put your differences behind you before you go to bed at night. Here are some tips to get you started:

Believe in your ability to change as a couple. When you make a pact to let go of old hurt feelings, you can focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. Trust that your love runs deep enough to support the work of strengthening it.

Focus on specific behaviors you would like your partner to change. Identify and prioritize particular actions that upset you and calmly talk about these. Be realistic about the ones you choose - focus on behaviors that your partner is able and willing to change.

Don't get stuck in past arguments. Agree not to fight the same battles over and over again. Either try to resolve them once and for all or agree to disagree. When you do, you can let go of your anger and begin the process of forgiveness.

Keep your communication open and honest. And be willing to cooperate and compromise about issues where you disagree. When you are able to deal with your anger and forgive your partner for mistakes he has made, you can both grow from the experience. And you'll feel better if you offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong.

Give compliments freely. Sometimes it seems easier to criticize and complain than to praise and acknowledge positive behavior. Instead, be more attentive to the actions you want to reinforce. When you are thinking something nice, say it out loud to your partner.

Invest in your partnership. Make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. The efforts that you put into growing and developing it will be returned in multiples. Use each other for support as you are going through the myriad challenges of life.

Create greater intimacy with your partner and keep up the romance. Remind each other why you fell in love. Set aside time to be together and focus on each other. Be free with your affection and warmth. Tap into your sensuality and find new ways of exploring and expressing your sexual relationship together.

Plan some exciting adventures to bring back the feelings of exhilaration you felt when you first feel in love. You can discover new activities you both like to do - take a class, travel, go on an outing. The thrill of a new discovery can release dopamine and bring more pleasure into your relationship, encouraging real intimacy between you.

Studies have shown that for couples in love there are surges in dopamine, the chemical of pleasure, and in oxytocin, the hormone of bonding. These encourage further closeness and provide the benefits of reducing stress, creating calm, suppressing pain and producing better immune functioning. Researchers have estimated that in about one-third of long-term marriages, couples have the same kind of brain responses to each other as do newly in love couples. So whether you've been together for years or are newly falling in love, enjoy the feelings of closeness and have a happy Valentine's Day.

Staying Warm on Valentine's Day

With record snow throughout much of America and cold winds blowing, it may be hard to stay warm. If you've got someone to cozy up to, you know that love alone does not guarantee the success of a close relationship. It also takes work, commitment and communication to build strong connections.

If the weather weren't enough, couples today are dealing with huge stresses of all sorts - fears of economic meltdown, actual job loss, threats to safety and security, concerns about retirement finances, and, for Sandwiched Boomers, issues arising from children growing up and aging parents growing older. Partners rely on each other to help buffer the impact of these stresses - and, hopefully, to make coping with them a little easier. Here are some tips that you and your partner can use - on Valentine's Day and throughout the year - to keep the fires of love burning bright.

Devote time and energy to your relationship. Make time for each other. It is well worth it - your efforts will come back to you many times over. Even if your days are filled with chores, let your date nights reflect romance, sensuality and affection.

Share with your partner what you love about him or her. Don't hesitate to give compliments when you think of them. Express the gratitude you feel at having your partner in your life. As you remember why you first fell in love, your feelings will grow even deeper and richer.

Focus on the positives in your relationship. Draw on your partner for support when you need it. Recognize that your mutual trust lets you enjoy being playful and sharing a laugh together. Your relationship can rejuvenate you when the stresses of the world outside weigh you down.

Remind yourselves of the commitment you made and the love you created. Plan date nights even when you don't have something special to celebrate. Draw on humor to lighten the mood. As you recall the joyous times you shared in the past, you will be forming new memories for your future together.

Do something unique this Valentine's Day. Studies of long-term relationships have found that couples who share novel experiences together actually increase their marital satisfaction and happiness. Why not begin by planning a brand new celebration of your love on February 14th this year?

Build new memories as you enjoy each other. Be playful and have fun together. Laugh and bring humor into your daily life. Plan some adventures - discover new activities you both like to do. All of these bring more pleasure into your relationship and encourage real intimacy between you.

Savor your special times together, whatever they are. When you give all of your attention to enjoying a positive time, you can build memories of these happy occasions and re-live them whenever you want.

A survey of women after last Valentine's Day found that 2/3 of them were disappointed in the way the day had turned out for them. Either their expectations were too high or the realities too low. In either case, why not talk with your partner before Valentine's Day and decide to do something different this year. You can make it a special day for you both, even if you are a Sandwiched Boomer coping with the stresses of growing children and aging parents.

Staying Strong Through a Divorce

Our guest blogger, divorce mediator Edie Sangiorgio, finishes up her week's posts today with some thoughts about how to create a successful divorce. Edie is the author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, and her website is Divorce Vows

Edie understands the pain of a failed relationship, and talks about some techniques to help you get through the process:

"When we include each day with uplifting, positive, proactive thoughts and strong core beliefs about ourselves we set in motion the direction our lives will take. Divorce is a legal process but more than anything it is a mental game of wills. You have probably been bruised and hurt from your relationship. Don’t perpetuate the hurt by piling on more words and actions that you will at some point have to reconcile with in your heart. Approach the divorce proceedings with your head held high, your heart willing to negotiate for the highest good for all and your soul wisdom leading the way. If you fill your core with spiritual truths that give you strength then no one can get you off your game, not even your spouse or the attorneys.

If divorce is truly the right answer for your relationship then do everything in your power to make it work. You can turn a failed marriage into a successful divorce with the right perspective. If you are a loving, kind, decent person then be who you really want to be starting right now."

Our thanks to Edie for guest blogging this week and a reminder from her that she has graciously offered our readers a free 15-minute consultation. For more information, email her at edie@divorcevows.com.

Whatever stage of the separation and divorce process you are currently in, you can also find information and a community of others going through the experience at Divorce360.com Look for our Her Mentor Center advice there about issues such as emotional reactions after a divorce and for our suggestions about how to ease the pain for children after divorce. You'll find our answers to many questions on Divorce360 - please let us know what else is on your mind.

And for more tips on increasing your resiliency in difficult times, especially if you are a Sandwiched Boomer, visit our website, Her Mentor Center. You'll also find information there about purchasing our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success, which is available for download in PDF format.

Taking Care of Yourself Through a Divorce

We continue with our guest blogger for the week, Edie Sangiorgio, who is a certified divorce mediator. Edie is the author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, and her website is Divorce Vows.

If you are considering a divorce, Edie has some questions to ask yourself first:

"So here are some ways to nurture a more positive, strong perspective and prepare yourself by journaling your thoughts and beliefs even if they are not yet part of your reality. Sometimes we have to “act as if” or “fake it until we make it.” Write down the following open-ended questions and fill in your answers with the most positive and upbeat responses that you can think of. Even if they aren’t yet or always true.

The characteristic I like most about myself as a spouse (partner) is…
The quality I admire most in myself as a parent is…
I have a positive attitude about the divorce negotiations because I am willing to…
I am a person of integrity and will maintain my integrity during the divorce by…
My spouse and children can count on me to …
I am a grateful partner and I am most grateful that because of my marriage I got to…

The most constructive way for me to deal with my pain (sadness, anger, etc) is by…
My inner strengths are revealed when I…
I show respect for myself by …
I am a forgiving person and I forgive my spouse for…
I am confident that I can take care of myself because I know how to…
I like being alone sometimes because when I am alone I get to do…
I surround myself with uplifting, supportive people like…

When I make a mistake I learn quickly from it such as when…
I am a loving person and my favorite way to show my love is by…
I know my future has good things in store for me because…
The most important thing I learned about myself from my marriage is…
I am a good communicator because I…"

Don't forget to log back in on Friday when Edie will give us some final thoughts about taking care of yourself when you divorce. In the meantime, Edie has graciously offered our readers a free 15-minute consultation, saying: "Divorce is such a difficult period for most people and so often just having someone willing to listen is a huge help. I felt compelled to write the book but in addition I feel a desire to just be available to those who resonate with my message. Taking a more spiritual path is easier when someone is walking beside you. You can request a phone consultation at edie@divorcevows.com."

And to learn more tips about managing challenges in your life, especially if you are a Sandwiched Boomer, visit our website Her Mentor Center. And look for information about purchasing our ebook, Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm: Practical Strategies and Resources for Success, which is available for download in PDF format.

I Know I Have to Leave - Now What?

Highlighting Chelea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky's wedding, our blog last week focused on tips to help overcome the inevitable conflicts that couples face in a marriage. But what happens when nothing is working and divorce seems to be the best alternative?

Edie Sangiorgio, a certified divorce mediator, has been working with couples to "transform a failed marriage into a successful divorce." The author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, Edie is our guest blogger for this week. Learn more about her book on her website, Divorce Vows.

Here's Edie's post for today:

"So you’ve come to conclusion that you need to leave your spouse. You’ve gone to the depths of your soul and every time you ask the question 'should I stay or should I go?' your gut screams, 'leave.' You are very clear why you and your spouse were together and that the legal marriage has served its purpose. You know that it is in the best interest for your family if you and your spouse divorce and live separate lives as you tend to the needs of the family.

Okay. Clarity of direction is step one. Now what? You know you want the divorce to go as smoothly as possible but you’re not sure how to make that happen. Your next step should be to attend to your own attitude and get yourself as centered as you can and strengthen your core. More than you realize your attitude and your inner strength will have a lot of influence over the divorce process. But it is up to you to state your intentions. Divorce is hardly ever easy but many make it so much more difficult on themselves because they have not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared themselves."

Be sure to check back with us again on Wednesday when Edie will be posting some questions to ask yourself before you begin any divorce negotiations. And if your marriage is feeling the effects of the downturn in the economy, visit our website, Her Mentor Center, for information about our recent ebook, Weathering the Financial Storm: Practical Strategies for Success, available to download in PDF format.

Sleep-away Camp: Great for Sandwiched Boomers and Their Marriage

Believe it or not, sleep-away camp can be the best thing for you and your marriage. If you're a member of the Sandwich Generation, your life is likely full of responsibility - caring for parents growing older and kids growing up. When was the last time you luxuriated in time alone with your partner?

Now that your kids are successful nestled into camp life, it's your turn. Here are some tips that may help you ease into the comfort and excitement of a totally adult relationship.

Invest in each other. In a family with active children and demanding careers, it's the marriage that usually ends up on the back burner. Make efforts now to develop your relationship, just as you would any valuable asset. Feel more treasured as the emotional dividends grow.

In a HuffingtonPost.com article, here's how one mom describes her metamorphosis when she sends her 9 year old son to sleep-away camp for the first time.

Give the gift of time. Focus on each other by planning activities you'll both enjoy. Exercise together - rent a bicycle built for two or take a hike in the mountains. Stretch it out and take a long cut. Or sneak away - leave work early and meet at a museum or enjoy a picnic lunch at the park. Be spontaneous and mysterious - surprise each other and be free with your affection.

Want some more ideas to try out? Happily married readers of Today.com share their wisdom about how they keep their love light burning.

Act like kids and laugh a lot. In your daily routine when the kids are home you inevitably get bogged down with meals, laundry, work, bills. It can get stressful, and boring. Whole days go by where you just worry and totally forget to laugh. It's emotionally healthy to let off steam. Now you can be more playful - do something fun, silly or out of the ordinary. It'll force you to remember who you are at your core and remind your partner of why he fell in love with you.

Create romance and intimacy. More of this has likely been on your 'to do' list for a long time, so here's your chance to make it happen. No need now to pencil it in or make love on the run. Cook dinner together, turn on the music, light candles and share that bottle of wine you've been saving for a special occasion.

Sex in marriage can be complicated. Gain more clarity through this article in the Wall Street Journal that explores the relationship between sex, love, desire and arousal. And remember to practice what you've learned.

Time flies, so stay in the moment and enjoy each other. Before you know it the kids will be coming home. And what you've created with your partner during these few weeks will be a distant memory to savor when life, once again, is full of interruptions.

We want to hear from you. Click on 'Comments' at the bottom right-hand corner of this post. Ask questions, share your ideas. And log on Friday for more tips about how to keep a family camp-like feeling all year round.

Summary of Virtual Book Tour with Dr. Jed Diamond

Ready for the wrap up of our Virtual Book tour with Dr. Jed Diamond? Thanks to those of you who tuned in to the spirited discussion yesterday. And for the newcomers, you can read the Q&A on Thursday's blog. What follows is a summary of our readers' questions:


One woman asked:

We hear so much about estrogen loss at menopause and the controversy around using hormones. Are there similar issues for men with low testosterone?

Jed's reaction:

There are a number of similarities between the hormonal changes women go through at menopause and the changes men experience at Andropause. One difference is that hormone replacement for women have often involved using replacement hormones such as Premarin (a synthetic estrogen), which are not bio-identical to what the body produces. For men, adding testosterone is bio-identical.

Since you can't patent a natural substance like a hormone, the pharmaceutical companies used synthetic estrogens for women, but for men used natural testosterone and patented the delivery system such as the patch, cream, or gel.

Many practitioners believe that bio-identical hormones are better than synthetic. Compounding pharmacists can make bio-identical hormones for women, so women, too, have a choice.

Several readers had concerns about their partner's resistance:

I KNOW my husband is having problems but he won't have any part in discusssing it. Stepping back and taking a deep breath doesn't cut it anymore - I'm thinking about a divorce. Any suggestions?

Jed had a lot to say about this one:

One of the main reasons I wrote the book was to give women specific things to do when the guy doesn't want to talk about what is bothering him.

Many men are afraid that talking about the problem will make things worse or it will increase their feelings of shame and failure.

One of the tools that is most effective for men is to take the quiz which is in the book and at www.IMSquiz.com. It's a non-threatening way to assess what is going on.

Often when men get their score they are much more willing to talk, particularly if they feel that they won't be judged.

I help women and men, find better alternatives than divorce. No one wants to end a marriage. They just need help to see how problems can be addressed and resolved.

Another query:

You talk about declining male hormones causing irritability but I've heard that men who take male hormones and steroids can get very angry too. What's the difference?

Jed's answer:
Our research shows that declining male hormones, particularly testosterone, is one of the causes of Irritable Male Syndrome.

A few men who use high doses of anabolic steroids to increase muscle mass get more irritable. It's called 'roid rage.' But the much more common experience of most men is that is we age our testosterone levels decline. If they get too low, we become more grouchy and irritable.

Fortunately there are a number of excellent ways to increase testosterone, including diet, exercise, and hormone restoration.

What many women want to know:

How can I tell if my husband is really experiencing IMS or is just using it as a cop out - trying to blame anyone or anything else for his behavior?

Jed's response:

Many ask how they can tell if a man is experiencing IMS. The best way is to take the quiz I developed. Its in the book. You can also take it on line at www.IMSquiz.com.

More than 60,000 men and women have taken it. You can get a score which compares your answers to all those who have taken it. Many men reach out for help after realizing that they have a high score.

Kathy and Brianna wanted clarification:

Kathy:

Dr. Diamond, can you tell me a little more about what you call woundedness?

According to Jed:

By woundedness, I mean all the psychological, physical, and social, pain that men carry in their bodies, minds, and spirits.

For instance, many men feel a great deal of shame, as economic dislocations force more and more men out of good paying jobs.

Men also feel a great deal of pain because their relationships with their partner and family is not working and they feel bad that they aren't able to give their families what they want and need.

Men often keep a lot of pain bottled up inside and it leaks out as anger and blame.

Irritable Male Syndrome is not a sign that men are "mean," but rather a sign that they are "men in pain" who are doing the best they can.

I'm happy to offer a whole host of interventions to make life easier for the men and the women who love them.

Brianna:

What's a velvet bulldog?

Jed again:

The Velvet Bulldog is a way of relating to the man where you are kind and caring, but you don't let yourself be walked on or abused.

For instance, you might say, "I love you and care about you and want us to get through this, but I won't allow you to call me names or put me down."

Thank you all for your questions and comments. If you'd like to order a copy of the book you can do so by going to MenAlive.com.


Want more help about how to move toward your relationship goals? Sign our email list on the left-hand side of this post. You'll receive a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and complimentary ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals.

Virtual Book Tour: Dr. Jed Diamond and "Mr. Mean"

Today we are delighted to welcome Dr. Jed Diamond to our blog’s Virtual Book Tour. Jed is the author of Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome. He is the director of MenAlive, a program that helps men and the women who love them. Mr. Mean answers critical questions that women and men have about how they can heal themselves, their partners and their relationships. Now see for yourself:

Nourishing Relationships: How did you come to write this book?

Jed Diamond: When my previous book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, was published in 2004, I began getting letters from women and men throughout the world telling me I had struck a chord and the book was helpful in saving their relationship. This is a typical response I received from a man:

Dear Dr. Jed,
I am a 45 year old man going through a divorce. I found your website, took the IMS quiz and scored 161, but didn’t seek help at the time. I thought I could handle things myself. That was a big mistake. If I had truly understood what I was dealing with I would have been able to see my relationships in a more realistic manner and I would probably still be in my house with my loved ones enjoying the holidays instead of being kicked out and on my own.
I wrote this book in order to help the thousands of women and men whose relationships are being destroyed by IMS.

N R: Why did you choose the title Mr. Mean?

J D: I chose the title because so many of the men suffering from IMS express their pain through anger and blame and often come across as being angry and "mean." Here’s a typical letter I received from a woman:

Last month a man came home from work with my husband’s face but he did not act at all like the man I married. I've known this man for 30 years, married 22 of them and have never met this guy before. Angry, nasty, and cruel are just a few words to describe him. He used to be the most upbeat, happy person I knew. Now he’s gone from Mr. Nice to Mr. Mean. In spite of how he treats me I still love my husband and want to save our marriage. Please, can you help me?

N R: You say your goal is to help 42,000 families in the 42 days between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Tell us about what you’re doing.

J D: This year Mother’s Day is May 9 and Father’s Day is June 20th. I know there are thousands of men and women who are suffering the effects of IMS. I want to reach 42,000 families to offer them the support they need to get through these difficult times.

People can go to my website at www.MenAlive.com. They can order a copy of the book and get additional free bonuses. In addition I’ve partnered with Scribd.com, the largest website for social publishing and reading in the world with more than 50,000,000 visitors a month. On Scribd people will be able to read my book, make comments, ask questions, even publish their own experiences. Come to my website to learn more.

N R: In the book you describe your own difficulties dealing with irritability and anger in your own life. Can you tell us about that?

J D: When I hit my early 40s I found myself becoming more hypersensitive and irritable. Little things started bothering me. I didn’t realize I was going through some kind of change. It seemed to be that other people, particularly my wife Carlin, were going out of their way to irritate me. I would often fly off the handle and get angry. At other times I would withdraw into stony silences. My wife complained that she was always walking on egg shells. She never knew whether I would be loving and caring or mean and angry. We were both miserable. It took me a long time to figure out that I was going through what I came to call The Irritable Male Syndrome or IMS.

N R: What are the primary symptoms and causes?

J D: I have found there are four core symptoms:

1. Hypersensitivity
The women who live with these men say things like the following:

•I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I’m around him.
•I never know when I’m going to say something that will set him off.
•He’s like a time bomb ready to explode but I never know when.

The men don’t often recognize their own hypersensitivity. Rather, their perception is that they are fine but everyone else is going out of their way to irritate them. The guys say things like:

•Quit bothering me.
•Leave me alone.
•No, nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.

One concept I have found helpful is the notion that many of us are “emotionally sunburned,” but our partners don’t know it. We might think of a man who is extremely sunburned and gets a loving hug from his wife. He cries out in anger and pain. He assumes she knows he’s sunburned so if she “grabs” him she must be trying to hurt him. She has no idea he is sunburned and can’t understand why he reacts angrily to her loving touch. You can see how this can lead a couple down a road of escalating confusion.

2. Anxiety
Anxiety is a state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic, or fantasized, threatening event or situation. IMS men live in constant worry and fear. There are many real threats that they are dealing with—sexual changes, job insecurities, relationship problems. There are also many uncertainties that lead men to ruminate and fantasize about future problems.

3. Frustration
IMS men feel blocked in attaining what they want and need in life. They often don’t even know what they need. When they do know, they may think there’s no way they can get it. They often feel defeated in the things they try to do to improve their lives. These men feel frustrated in their relationships with family, friends, and at work. The world is changing and they don’t know where, how, or if they fit in.

4. Anger
Anger can be simply defined as a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. Yet anger is a complex emotion. Outwardly expressed it can lead to aggression and violence. When it is turned inward it can result in depression and suicide. Anger can be direct and obvious or it can be subtle and covert. Anger can be loud or quiet. It can be expressed as hateful words, hurtful actions, or in stony silence. The primary causes of IMS are: Hormonal fluctuations, Biochemical changes in brain chemistry, Increasing stress, Loss of male identity and purpose.

These four often interact with each other. For instance, when we are under stress it throws our hormonal balance out of whack. When we lose are job or are afraid of losing it, our male identity is threatened and hormones like testosterone plummet.

N R: How do you know if a man is suffering from IMS?

J D: In doing the research for The Irritable Male Syndrome, I developed questionnaire that can help men (and the women who love them) to determine whether they are suffering from IMS. More than 60,000 men and thousands of women have taken the questionnaire. People can do it on-line at www.IMSquiz.com. The score can help you determine if IMS is a problem in your life.

N R: Why do so many mid-life men turn mean?

J D: Although Irritable Male Syndrome can occur at any age, it is quite prevalent at mid-life. What is it about mid-life that causes men to become angry? Why do they take it out on the person they say they love the most? These are the kinds of questions I hear from women who are trying to understand what is going on in their relationship.
Not all men experience all these losses, but most men experience many of them:

•Hormone levels are dropping.
•Sexual vigor is diminishing.
•Erections are less frequent and less firm.
•Children are leaving home.
•Parents are getting sick and dying.
•Job horizons are narrowing.
•Job security is gone.
•Retirement seems less and less possible.
•Friends are having their first heart attacks and cancer scares.
•Hopes and dreams are fading away.
But with recognition and support, mid-life can also be the most powerful, productive, and passionate time that we’ve ever experienced in our lives.

N R: Can hormonal changes cause men to become more irritable?

J D: Although many people associate being “hormonal” with being female, the truth is that male hormonal changes are every bit as real and can be as troublesome as any changes that women experience. It's time we broke the silence and began talking about the fact that men, too, undergo hormonal changes throughout their lives.
Dr. Gerald Lincoln, who coined the term “Irritable Male Syndrome,” found that lowering levels of testosterone in his research animals caused them to become more irritable, biting their cages as well as the researchers who were testing them. Low testosterone also has a negative affect on men. Although low testosterone is more prevalent in men over 40, it can occur in men of any age.

N R: How do you get through to a man who refuses to admit he has a problem?

J D: Ninety percent of the men who are going through IMS don’t recognize that there is a problem. When asked, they will usually deny that anything is wrong. If pressed, they will withdraw or lash out. Most spouses of IMS men feel they are caught in a bind. “I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t,” a 56-year-old woman, married to an IMS man told me. “If I try to help him recognize there is a problem, he resists me and things get worse between us. If I ignore the problem, things just get worse and I feel that I keep getting emotionally battered. What can I do?”

1. Take a deep breath, relax, and move towards the problem.
2. Think about helping yourself, rather than helping him.
3. Recognize his anger and “meanness” as expressions of his inner ambivalence and woundedness.
4. Act like the Velvet Bulldog. Be gentle but tenacious.
5. Take things a step at a time. Denial releases its grip gradually at first.

N R: What are things you can do right away to keep the relationship from going under?

J D: Although repairing the damage caused by IMS can take some time, there are things a woman can do right away to keep the relationship from going under, including the following:

1.Don’t panic.
2.Reach out and connect with what is stable in your life.
3.Just say “no"! No about moving out, etc.
4.Remember his brain is locked on to the “old witch,” but it can change back to the “young woman.”
5.Stand up for yourself.

NR: Thanks so much, Jed, for joining us today. You've been so generous with your time and knowledge about this sensitive topic and we appreciate your honesty and wisdom. You can learn more about Jed's work and Mr. Mean at MenAlive.

We’re also grateful to the readers and sandwiched boomers who have dropped by. If you have questions for Jed about the challenges of living with a partner who is going through emotional changes that are affecting your relationship, please click on "Comments" and let us hear from you. And log on again tomorrow and we’ll be summarizing your questions and Jed’s feedback.