Toning Down Your Fights

Here we are again in March, which has the reputation of coming in like a lion, out like a lamb.


Do these changes in the tone of the weather mirror the shifting atmosphere of your relationships?

Images: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Everyone has fights sometimes but have you been wondering how you can switch your relationship squabbles from turbulent to sunny in the same way March does? Whether you're dealing with a significant other, your child, parent, in-law, friend or colleague at work, here are some tips for toning down the rhetoric and creating your own calm in the storm:

Commit to working toward change. Decide to let go of old hurt feelings and instead focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. When you find yourselves fighting the same battles again and again, determine to finally resolve them or agree to put them away with the understanding that you'll accept your differences of opinion.

Let go of your anger. Step back and take a deep breath - several actually. Leave the conversation for a while and find a healthy outlet for your negative physical energy - go for a jog, yell in the shower, hit a pillow, call a friend. When you remove yourself and deal with your anger, you can come back to the disagreement later when you both have calmed down. For some ideas about how sandwiched boomers can develop this approach, check out a past blog post.

Listen, really listen. Develop the skill of active listening - paying attention to what your partner is saying without distracting yourself by planning a response. Ask empathic questions and work to understand his position, feelings and needs, even if you don't agree with them. Conflict resolution techniques can work among family members as well as they do in business and international relations.

Fight fair, even as you keep your communication open and honest. Keep your messages on topic and avoid name-calling and criticisms about character traits and past actions. Focus on talking about behaviors and issues that can be modified. Let your partner know about how you react to his or her actions without putting a value judgment on them. For more tips about improved and effective communication, re-read our post about limiting your arguments.

Be willing to take some responsibility. As you acknowledge your part in the turmoil and begin to see your partner's perspective, it's easier to find the means to compromise and cooperate. Learn some of these practical strategies we offered to new bride Chelsea Clinton and her groom, Marc Mezvinsky, on a past blog post.

Insert some positives into the equation. Give compliments for positive behaviors you want to reinforce. Forgive your partner for mistakes made and offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong. Shared humor can ease the strain of hostility and help forge a new sense of connection.

If your husband has been the main source of tension in your marriage, our virtual book tour with Jed Diamond about his book Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationships from the Irritable Male Syndrome can give you some additional suggestions about how you can dilute the anger and start enjoying each other again.

As you know so well, your relationship with your mother - or daughter - isn't immune to a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows either. As a matter of fact, it's often the closest emotional connection a woman has in her life. But close doesn't always mean easy. When you want some more insight into how to pull back a little, click on our virtual book tour with Susan Shaffer and Linda Gordon, authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship.

And here on the blog we also hosted a virtual book tour with Dr. Susan Lieberman, author of The Mother-In-Law’s Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children. So if you're searching for more ideas about how to smooth over the friction between you and your daughter-in-law, you'll get some helpful advice from her.

You'll find more tools for developing successful relationships when you search our blog. Let us know what works for you - and remember spring is just a few weeks away.

I Know I Have to Leave - Now What?

Highlighting Chelea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky's wedding, our blog last week focused on tips to help overcome the inevitable conflicts that couples face in a marriage. But what happens when nothing is working and divorce seems to be the best alternative?

Edie Sangiorgio, a certified divorce mediator, has been working with couples to "transform a failed marriage into a successful divorce." The author of Divorce Vows - Before & Beyond the Decree, Edie is our guest blogger for this week. Learn more about her book on her website, Divorce Vows.

Here's Edie's post for today:

"So you’ve come to conclusion that you need to leave your spouse. You’ve gone to the depths of your soul and every time you ask the question 'should I stay or should I go?' your gut screams, 'leave.' You are very clear why you and your spouse were together and that the legal marriage has served its purpose. You know that it is in the best interest for your family if you and your spouse divorce and live separate lives as you tend to the needs of the family.

Okay. Clarity of direction is step one. Now what? You know you want the divorce to go as smoothly as possible but you’re not sure how to make that happen. Your next step should be to attend to your own attitude and get yourself as centered as you can and strengthen your core. More than you realize your attitude and your inner strength will have a lot of influence over the divorce process. But it is up to you to state your intentions. Divorce is hardly ever easy but many make it so much more difficult on themselves because they have not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared themselves."

Be sure to check back with us again on Wednesday when Edie will be posting some questions to ask yourself before you begin any divorce negotiations. And if your marriage is feeling the effects of the downturn in the economy, visit our website, Her Mentor Center, for information about our recent ebook, Weathering the Financial Storm: Practical Strategies for Success, available to download in PDF format.

Chelsea and Marc: First Dance Together

Apparently one friend's unique wedding gift for Chelsea and Marc was dancing lessons and they demonstrated new skills in their first dance as husband and wife. Of course, the longer they're married, the more techniques they'll add to their repertoire – dance steps and otherwise.

No matter who you marry, there are bound to be differences that challenge you – family values, cultural backgrounds, socioeconomic status, religious traditions. But if you're committed to working together, each complements and enriches the other. And when disagreements do occur, you can rely on these tips:

Choose your words. In the midst of an argument, any one of these phrases would be welcomed by a partner feeling misunderstood: I might be wrong; stay with me and don’t withdraw; I see my part in all of this; let’s find common ground; I love you and we'll work this out.

Stay engaged. A gentle touch, eye contact or a quick hug can release oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces blood pressure and stress levels. When you're feeling tense, an affectionate moment can help you feel closer, loved and even more relaxed.

Build emotional dividends. If you characteristically turn toward rather than away from each other, the goodwill you accumulate can provide an emotional cushion. Maintain a reserve of shared positive feelings and you will be able to draw from this supply of affection in times of conflict.

Chelsea and Marc have attended family holidays together so they likely have already started a discussion that includes such topics as Christmas trees and Hanukah menorahs. It is often rituals and family relationships that give faith meaning. The Clintons have raised Chelsea well and she has stood by her parents through tough times. And Chelsea is a survivor - resilient, transcendent, private, well balanced – all qualities that can only enhance a marriage that seems off to a very good start.

Read more here about the newlyweds and making marriage work. We've enjoyed discussing ways to manage the inevitable conflicts in marriage with you this week. If you want more information about family issues, please sign our email list to the left of this post. You'll receive our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, with lots of tips to improve your relationships. And you can download our free ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals.

A Gift for Chelsea and Marc: Conflict Resolution Strategies

Close to 85% of participants in a recent survey said they're accepting of interfaith marriages. But there can be challenges, especially if issues - like how to celebrate holidays, raise the children, honor life stages - haven't been talked about before the wedding.

Read about conflict resolution from Wikipedia and advice from interfaith couples to Chelsea and Marc. As differences can lead to disagreements, the best you can do sometimes is practice strategies to maximize your strengths:

Minimize emotional overload. Flooding is a physiological arousal that is activated when tensions are high and communication stalls. When quarreling, state a desired outcome and stick to the subject at hand. Try not to blame your partner or get defensive, and take some responsibility for what's going on.

Assume a non-threatening posture. Calibrate your emotions because your body language and tone of voice make a difference. Monitor any negative comments and be slow to criticize. Count to 10 before reacting and, if it looks like the conversation is escalating, walk away.

Agree to a time-out strategy. Before you say something you may later regret, decide to put some distance between yourselves and the problem. Plan to come back to the conversation later and work out a solution. And then take a break until you're less upset and settled down enough to listen without planning a rebuttal.

Find a comfortable position, close your eyes and breathe deeply. Hold your breath for several seconds and release it slowly through your mouth. Repeat this several times, brushing away any distractions. Notice how focusing only on each breath can make you feel more calm.

Pay attention to constructive thoughts. You can turn the negatives into more positives. For example, his anger isn’t all about me; we really do love each other; she's under a lot of pressure at work; this too shall pass; I'm upset now but I know we’re right for each other.

Why not familiarize yourselves with these techniques before a situation gets heated. You can create some key words together that will alert you to the potential danger ahead. Perhaps even use teasing, humor and laughter to cut through the drama.

Here's one of many sites that offers information for married couples. Visit our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, and read this article about how to fight fair. And log on to the blog Friday for our concluding post about marriage and conflict resolution.

Chelsea and Marc: Interfaith Wedding

Who doesn't love a wedding? But with months and months of planning, it only lasts a short while - and then there's the marriage. If history is prologue, neither former first daughter, Chelsea Clinton, nor longtime boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky, had great role models for marital bliss. And that's even without the religious issues - she was raised Christian and he's Jewish.

This much publicized union is affirmation of America's shifting religious landscape. There has been a gradual increase in interfaith marriages over the past two decades and more than 25% U.S. households now are mixed-faith. Despite changing attitudes, it's still not easy to make marriage work.

If you're members of the sandwich generation with a loved one who has recently tied the knot, you know that marriage constitutes a major change. Emotional reactions at times of transition are common and normal. And in making the necessary adjustments, some conflict is inevitable - all couples get angry and have arguments. Whether a marriage will last depends, in part, on how you prepare for the challenges. You'll find that some of these tips may serve you well:

Keep your communication open and honest. Talk out misunderstandings before they become arguments. Don't resort to low blows or get side-tracked by pointing out questionable character traits. Practice active listening skills and sending I-focused messages to clarify that what you're saying is your own opinion.

Use cooperation and compromise. Be direct yet flexible as you make your way through disagreements. Look at the issue from your partner's perspective and practice empathy. Ask yourself if being right and winning the fight is more important than your relationship.

Log on all week as we talk about tips to resolve the inevitable conflicts in marriage. Let us know the strategies that work for you by clicking on 'Comments' at the bottom of this post.

And here's what the New York Times and Huffington Post have to report about Chelsea and Marc's wedding - not so much, as befitting a couple who value their privacy.