Working Moms: Setting Priorities

In Monday's post, we already established the fact that you're not about to abandon your work and family to-do lists. But you can identify your more personal priorities, whether it’s learning to play an instrument, returning to school or training for
Move ahead: Think about what you wanted to do today but couldn’t find the time to enjoy. It can define your priorities for tomorrow and help you stay on track in the face of the inevitable distractions. Mark this as the beginning of creating new rituals. Figure out specific activities to integrate into your regular routine - taking a walk during your lunch hour, meeting a friend for coffee once a week, writing in your journal or reading before bed. Carve out this time just for you and keep it sacred.

Savor your selfhood: Society sends mixed messages when it comes to taking care of ourselves. On one hand we’re taught to go after what we want, yet if we fight too hard we’re seen as selfish. Integrate your self-fulness as you practice saying ‘no’ to what may be presented as greater opportunities you can't resist. Because yielding to outside pressure and taking on more responsibility can amount to ignoring what may be in your own best interests.

The time frazzled woman has become a common archetype today. We’re socialized to be available to our spouse, children, parents, friends and boss. And the price we pay to please others is high. At what point do we learn that charity begins at home? Self esteem comes from having the courage to make tough choices, even if they’re unpopular. After all, if a long-term goal is to have our kids find personal fulfillment, shouldn’t we lead by example? Put yourself at the top of your

Gray Divorce

Are you and your spouse still happy, sharing activities like exercising together? If so, you may not know about a new trend hitting baby boomers - Gray Divorce. In the past 20 years, the divorce rate for boomers has doubled even as the total divorce rate has been going down. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2009 more than 25% of all divorces were among couples over 50.

AARP has identified that in 2/3 of these divorces, it is women who seek the split. Often their motivation is to enjoy the years ahead after children have been raised and left home. With the expectation of many extra years of an empty nest, these women choose to focus on satisfying their personal needs and goals rather than remaining in an unhappy marriage. In other cases, about ¼ of the time, a wife institutes the proceedings after an infidelity by her husband.

For over 50% of gray divorces today, this is not their first experience with a split. The risk of a second divorce is two times greater than for those still in their first marriage. And for a third marriage, the risk of a divorce is four times more likely. Other high-risk groups for gray divorce are African Americans and those with only a high school education. To avoid making the decision to divorce, marital therapists like Dr. John Gottman encourage midlife couples to respond to each other's attempts at reconnection.

While being alone is the greatest fear of boomers after a divorce, the vast majority rate themselves as happy. Still, there are some difficult consequences for wives and husbands: women tend to have greater financial difficulties while men generally have less contact with their children than before. Preparing for possible negative outcomes of a late in life divorce can help you cope with these unusual challenges.

For more insight about the issues in a second adulthood, join us on Wednesday when Susan Lieberman, Ph.D. answers our questions about her newest book, Getting Old is a Full Time Job: Moving on From a Life of Working Hard. Dr. Lieberman will introduce us to the 12 "jobs" she's identified that we need to complete as we move from work to "what's next." Be a part of the conversation with Susan here on Wednesday.

Toning Down Your Fights

Here we are again in March, which has the reputation of coming in like a lion, out like a lamb.


Do these changes in the tone of the weather mirror the shifting atmosphere of your relationships?

Images: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Everyone has fights sometimes but have you been wondering how you can switch your relationship squabbles from turbulent to sunny in the same way March does? Whether you're dealing with a significant other, your child, parent, in-law, friend or colleague at work, here are some tips for toning down the rhetoric and creating your own calm in the storm:

Commit to working toward change. Decide to let go of old hurt feelings and instead focus on the present and what you can do to transform it. When you find yourselves fighting the same battles again and again, determine to finally resolve them or agree to put them away with the understanding that you'll accept your differences of opinion.

Let go of your anger. Step back and take a deep breath - several actually. Leave the conversation for a while and find a healthy outlet for your negative physical energy - go for a jog, yell in the shower, hit a pillow, call a friend. When you remove yourself and deal with your anger, you can come back to the disagreement later when you both have calmed down. For some ideas about how sandwiched boomers can develop this approach, check out a past blog post.

Listen, really listen. Develop the skill of active listening - paying attention to what your partner is saying without distracting yourself by planning a response. Ask empathic questions and work to understand his position, feelings and needs, even if you don't agree with them. Conflict resolution techniques can work among family members as well as they do in business and international relations.

Fight fair, even as you keep your communication open and honest. Keep your messages on topic and avoid name-calling and criticisms about character traits and past actions. Focus on talking about behaviors and issues that can be modified. Let your partner know about how you react to his or her actions without putting a value judgment on them. For more tips about improved and effective communication, re-read our post about limiting your arguments.

Be willing to take some responsibility. As you acknowledge your part in the turmoil and begin to see your partner's perspective, it's easier to find the means to compromise and cooperate. Learn some of these practical strategies we offered to new bride Chelsea Clinton and her groom, Marc Mezvinsky, on a past blog post.

Insert some positives into the equation. Give compliments for positive behaviors you want to reinforce. Forgive your partner for mistakes made and offer an apology when you have been the one in the wrong. Shared humor can ease the strain of hostility and help forge a new sense of connection.

If your husband has been the main source of tension in your marriage, our virtual book tour with Jed Diamond about his book Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationships from the Irritable Male Syndrome can give you some additional suggestions about how you can dilute the anger and start enjoying each other again.

As you know so well, your relationship with your mother - or daughter - isn't immune to a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows either. As a matter of fact, it's often the closest emotional connection a woman has in her life. But close doesn't always mean easy. When you want some more insight into how to pull back a little, click on our virtual book tour with Susan Shaffer and Linda Gordon, authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship.

And here on the blog we also hosted a virtual book tour with Dr. Susan Lieberman, author of The Mother-In-Law’s Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children. So if you're searching for more ideas about how to smooth over the friction between you and your daughter-in-law, you'll get some helpful advice from her.

You'll find more tools for developing successful relationships when you search our blog. Let us know what works for you - and remember spring is just a few weeks away.

Men at Work - More than Just a Sign

Linguist Deborah Tannen has written numerous books about the conversational styles of women and men, in families and at work. According to Tannen, problems can occur, especially in a job setting where the members are not as knowledgeable about each other, when men and women don't understand the rituals that define each other's approach.

Women, even in a work setting, generally use conversational strategies that are considerate and sensitive to the other person's feelings, even when giving negative feedback. Demonstrating an emphasis on getting the job done without "flexing their muscles," women tend to downplay authority. Men who are not familiar with this strategy may see them as less confident and competent - and act on that assumption. At the same time, men are more inclined to use oppositional strategies - such as banter, putdowns, teasing - that avoid them being placed in a one-down position. The problem here is that women may then see men who behave this way as hostile and arrogant. All of this makes for pretty complicated communications!

Any of this sound familiar to you? If so, perhaps the next time you find yourself in this kind of situation, either at work or at home, don't take it personally. Recognize that the guy - colleague, boss, supervisee, partner, brother, spouse - isn't reacting to you alone. It's just his way. After all, we know how men hate to ask anyone for directions. They seem to be embarrassed by their need for help and see it as a loss of power. The more you understand the motivations behind their behavior, the easier it is for you to get along with and enjoy the men in your life.

To read the opinions of some men about their relationships with women over the years, click on the title above. It will take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com and an article there, "Point of View: The Male Boomer and Long-Term Relationships."

Take Stock of your Marriage

As Sandwiched Boomers with so much to do you probably spend a lot of time on automatic, going through the motions of your daily routine. When you don't deal directly with what's going on and how you feel about it, you may be surprised when you do notice. Here are some ways to 'take the temperature' of your marriage and start on the road to recovery:

Identify what you are feeling. As a first step, write down the emotions that now regularly surface. What is happening between you and your partner when you are feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed, embarrassed or frustrated? Chances are you have emotions ranging from disappointment to anger, and these are constantly changing. Don't worry - this is perfectly normal. But understanding what you feel and why can be the first step toward improving your situation.

Stop focusing on the past. Identify the hot button issues that are standing in your way and make efforts to resolve them. Your initiation of changes can be an encouraging sign to your partner. And the sooner you let go of the past, the quicker you can move forward to improve the goodwill in your relationship. It may not be easy to forgive, but it is a gift that you can give to both your partner and yourself.

Women are Heroes Too

All week we have been talking about the heroic actions of Captain Richard Phillips - as well as the crew of the Maersk and those who helped engineer and carry out his rescue. Typically heroism is thought of in ways that are more likely to be male - standing up to physical attackers, taking on frightening scenarios, suffering pain, fighting back. But so many women, Sandwiched Boomers or not, are real heroes every day, albeit in different ways.

Think you're not a hero? Well, think again.

It's brave to go to your place of work where your colleagues don't think you are as good as they are just because you are a woman. You work as hard as they do but don't make the same wages, yet you show up every day and do your best. Isn't that heroic?

You are determined to give your child the future she deserves. Even when you fear you won't be able to, you keep on trying and don't give up. Isn't that heroic?

Sitting with a friend who is going through chemotherapy, wiping her forehead as she throws up once again, is altruistic as well as loving. Isn't that heroic?

It's courageous to visit your mother in the Alzheimers' nursing home every week, knowing that she won't even know who you are. The pain of fighting back the tears, putting on a smile, using a soft voice, gently stroking her hand - when all the time you want to be shouting out, "Don't you remember who I am? Where are your memories?" Isn't that heroic?

As a Sandwiched Boomer, you are squashed between the needs of your growing children, aging parents, demanding career, loving spouse - and yet you manage to take care of everyone. Whether we call you a hero or heroine, you are the laudable center of your family. So congratulations - our hats are off to you!

The American Psychological Association, in a survey of 2500 people from all across the country, found that stress levels have increased significantly in the past two years, especially in the last six months. Over 80% of the responders said that money was a significant worry for them. And that was before the financial meltdown of the past month. So today we have two more tips for you to avoid feeling pressured and out of control by the roller coaster economy.

Learn stress reduction strategies by attending a seminar, group, meditation or yoga class. Contact your local psychological association to find out what other resources are available in your community such as a mindfulness program. Consult with your religious counselor to discover if meditative prayer is comforting for you. Once you learn a technique that feels right, incorporate it into your daily schedule so that tensions do not build up. Gather information from the Internet or self help books about how to minimize the impact of the financial pressures you are now experiencing.

Keep communication open with your spouse, children and aging parents. Talk out disagreements before they become heated arguments that get out of control. Be honest about stating your needs and desires clearly. Don't put a lid on your emotions, just on expressing them in an aggressive manner. When conflicts arise, agree to be flexible and cooperative - and work toward reaching a compromise if possible.

Tomorrow we look at some additional strategies for coping with the stressful economic environment.

Yesterday we introduced you to The Gratitude Project, a timely idea created by Dina Lynch Eisenberg, who blogs at www.thismarriagething.com. Join her in conscious appreciation of those who bring joy and meaning into your life. Here are some additional tips she passes along to help you participate in spreading gratitude around and enjoying the feelings it creates.

Say a sincere thank you to your spouse, partner or someone significant in your life three times per day for the next 10 days. Your goal is to catch him or her doing something helpful, wonderful, kind and say thanks right then. Observe how doing this changes your feelings about yourself and your spouse. Be alert for how this impacts your relationship and let us know.

Keep track of any extra hugs, kisses or affectionate pats. How great would it be if the Gratitude Project resulted in a wave of love? Don’t forget to include that in your comments.

Share your experiences and thoughts about the Project here on our blog. We will do a roundup of responses on or around November 18th and pass them on to Dina. We expect we'll learn a lot from each other about this experience.

Tell other people and ask them to join the Gratitude Project. Forward this post to friends and family as well as to your social network. The more people, the more love- and we all know what a force for good love can be, right?

Why not take the experiment even further? Try thanking random strangers! Increasing our sense of connection and kindness to each other is part of how we’ll survive through the current crises.

Be sure to visit www.thismarriagething.com to hear more about the Gratitude Project and how it is affecting the participants.

Even in these difficult economic times, there is much to be grateful for. As we appreciate our blessings, we can focus on what we can do as individuals to make our world a better place for all. Today we are highlighting two projects.

Dina Lynch Eisenberg of www.thismarriagething.com has started what she calls The Gratitude Project. She describes it as "my challenge to bring more love and appreciation into the world during a tough time." The idea is to say thank you to your spouse - or partner, friend, co-worker - three times a day for the next 10 days. Then reflect on how that experience has changed both you and your relationship. You can send your comments to her blog as well as to us here. Sharing your appreciation creates good feelings for everyone.

For most of us, the coming holiday season means spending time with family. But what about those who are separated from theirs? Bloggers Unite have created what is a global initiative designed to express support of human rights for refugees. They are supporting Refugees United, which provides an online, highly secure and anonymous possibility of refugees to reconnect with their families. Visit www.unite.blogcatalog.com to learn more about this worldwide problem and what you can do to help.

As Americans, we are especially grateful to the men and women who have protected and served us and our country. We honor them all every day - and especially tomorrow on Veteran's Day - and offer them our deepest thanks.

As a Sandwiched Boomer, when you are counting on the support of your partner to cope with a serious illness, the barriers to straight talk that emerge may surprise you. Understanding what motivates your husband may make it easier for you to initiate more frankness into your conversations. Yesterday we outlined several possible grounds for difficulty; today we discuss two more.

Not surprisingly, your spouse is unable to fully comprehend what your illness is causing you to give up - feelings of control and invulnerability, your self-identity as a well person or expectations of a disease-free future. Consequently he may expect that you will be over your upsetting emotions sooner than you are. It's up to you to explain to him the depth of your losses, both present and future.

It may help to think about how you would react to a decline in your partner's well being, were the tables turned. It could easily threaten your sense of stability and change the role you play in your marriage. Blaire found herself pulling away from her husband in fear and anger. "Since my husband’s heart attack I hold back on love. It’s self-protective. He’s not taking care of himself - he won’t lose weight or stop smoking. I’m afraid I’ll lose him to an early death."

Facing a serious illness together leads to a complex set of reactions by both. This makes it even more important for you to reveal your feelings to each other, openly and honestly. As you begin to accept the difficulties in your conversations, you will also become aware of the positives that accompany the health challenges you have met together. Coping with a major disease often leads to a new perspective - with a greater appreciation of the preciousness of life - and a sense of increased intimacy with your partner. As you continue to move forward, your emotional closeness will be reflected in the deeper conversations that you share.

As Baby Boomers continue to age, the rise in incidence of serious illness affects nearly every family - especially if you're a member of the Sandwich Generation. When you or your spouse develops cancer, heart disease, stroke or another chronic illness, it can change every aspect of your lives together. How to talk meaningfully with each other about the situation is a common concern. Do you wonder how to have deeper and more meaningful conversations with your spouse after such a serious illness?

Dialoging with your partner in the midst of a health crisis often reflects rather typical differences between men and women - particularly in what they want from each other. Whereas a woman may need to be heard and understood, a man may be intent on finding a solution to the problem. The result is that, even though your partner wants to be supportive when you are sick, you may be surprised to find that it is difficult for him to talk with you about your deepest thoughts and worries. This can lead to conversations that are not authentic and that make you feel your emotions are being discounted.

After her surgery for ovarian cancer, Ella thought that her partner acted in ways that downplayed her anxiety and angst. Intellectually she knew that the operation had gone well and her prognosis was good. But she was depressed and needed to express her negative feelings. If she was going to feel better, she knew that she had to begin dealing with them. "He didn’t want to talk about my fears and even withdrew from his own emotions. It upset him when I felt scared or cried. All he could focus on was my being fine and us getting on with our lives."

Serious illness can lead to unique struggles in your communications. In the next few days, we will consider possible reasons why you may be having trouble talking openly and honestly with your partner. You can then put these issues on the table so that you both can see what is going on.