Gray Divorce

Are you and your spouse still happy, sharing activities like exercising together? If so, you may not know about a new trend hitting baby boomers - Gray Divorce. In the past 20 years, the divorce rate for boomers has doubled even as the total divorce rate has been going down. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2009 more than 25% of all divorces were among couples over 50.

AARP has identified that in 2/3 of these divorces, it is women who seek the split. Often their motivation is to enjoy the years ahead after children have been raised and left home. With the expectation of many extra years of an empty nest, these women choose to focus on satisfying their personal needs and goals rather than remaining in an unhappy marriage. In other cases, about ¼ of the time, a wife institutes the proceedings after an infidelity by her husband.

For over 50% of gray divorces today, this is not their first experience with a split. The risk of a second divorce is two times greater than for those still in their first marriage. And for a third marriage, the risk of a divorce is four times more likely. Other high-risk groups for gray divorce are African Americans and those with only a high school education. To avoid making the decision to divorce, marital therapists like Dr. John Gottman encourage midlife couples to respond to each other's attempts at reconnection.

While being alone is the greatest fear of boomers after a divorce, the vast majority rate themselves as happy. Still, there are some difficult consequences for wives and husbands: women tend to have greater financial difficulties while men generally have less contact with their children than before. Preparing for possible negative outcomes of a late in life divorce can help you cope with these unusual challenges.

For more insight about the issues in a second adulthood, join us on Wednesday when Susan Lieberman, Ph.D. answers our questions about her newest book, Getting Old is a Full Time Job: Moving on From a Life of Working Hard. Dr. Lieberman will introduce us to the 12 "jobs" she's identified that we need to complete as we move from work to "what's next." Be a part of the conversation with Susan here on Wednesday.

Gratitude: A Healthy Thanksgiving Recipe

These are hard times. And life is hectic for all of us - especially around Thanksgiving, when we remember how our families celebrated in years past. Holiday images in the media can be seductive and exaggerated. Before you know it, you're rushing around and trying to conform to unrealistic expectations.

Photo courtesy of Jeff Ratcliff, FreeDigital Photos.net

Perhaps you're worried that old family dynamics will surface as soon as you all get together. Will the cousins wonder why your 35 year old son is moving back home? Or what if your mom's inquisitive nature scares off your daughter's new boyfriend?

Thanksgiving can be lots of fun. But it can also be about confronting old wounds, suffering through conversations with dysfunctional relatives or counting the minutes until it's over. And this can lead to emotional overload.

This year, just try to relax and refuse to focus on negative issues. As they say, 'The rocks come with the farm.' Learn to love those rocks - they make it more interesting. And consider that what you're feeling is pretty typical in all families. Sometimes it takes a holiday get-together to fully appreciate what you do have. When deciding what to bring to the Thanksgiving table, how about a hearty dish of gratitude? And invite your family and friends to join you. I'll get the ball rolling - here are a few things I'm grateful for:

My husband's support
The hug of a grandchild
Inner strength
The people I love
My good fortune
Second chances

Now it's your turn. Click on 'Comments' at the bottom of this post, follow the prompts and share your gratitude with our readers. Or email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com to let us know what you're thankful for. We'll post your comments here on Wednesday. And why not try this idea when your guests gather around the Thanksgiving table?

Care-giving 101: Boomers Beware

What an unfortunate end to a terrific week at the lake, with all our kids and grandsons, celebrating my husband's birthday. During one final swim, he slipped on the dock, had to have surgery on a fracture through the knee joint and is now only 10 days into an 8-12 week stint of no weight bearing. And yes, living in a 2nd floor walk-up, we're both counting the days!

When we're busy with our lives and moving along as usual we tend to feel bad for the injured and their caretakers but don’t really give much thought to the challenges they're facing. As with so many other circumstances, it's often through experience that we really know how it feels - and then can access a depth of compassion.

So what's it like for an active, strong willed risk taker to be rendered helpless and in the hands of the woman he's been married to for 45 years? Well, it's a new role for both of us and we're trying to learn as we go. You can't really be prepared for the unexpected but, as we age, we're all vulnerable. So here are some pointers about what we've been doing to make our way through this rough period:

The first days can be the hardest. We take so much for granted. When your partner is incapacitated, the physical and emotional challenges can't help but have a huge impact. And with a reversal of roles, while one may feel vulnerable and upset, the other's emotions can fluctuate from fear to frustration. Yet eventually both can experience a deep sense of support and renewed strength as you draw on the coping strengths that helped you manage difficult times in the past.

What you're feeling is normal. The emotions that surface can affect how you see yourselves, even on a temporary basis. Let the anger, exhaustion, resentment or guilt wash over you but don't give in to them. Try to be hopeful as you adjust to the new reality. You'll take better care of your emotional self if you don't dwell on the negatives and begin to accept that this too will pass.

Care for the care-giver. Look on the bright side of a difficult situation as you balance caring for your partner and taking care of your own needs. Make time for yourself - take a long walk or yoga class, go back to volunteer work or grandbaby sitting, enjoy lunch or a movie with a friend. Recognize what you can manage and that you don't have to do it all alone – and remember that it's OK to ask for help.

If your family has been through this, please share your ideas by clicking on 'Comments' below. And log on again Wednesday when we'll be STILL be talking about the cared for and the care-giver.

Happy Father's Day

We want to give a big shout out to our husbands, sons and all fathers on their special day!

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, it's estimated that over 154,000 of the approximately 70 million fathers across the nation are stay-at-home dads. These Mr. Moms, with children younger than age 15, have been out of the workforce for at least a year and caring for the family while their wives work outside the home.

That's a huge shift over the past several years and can create a lot of stress on families. So this Father's Day, don't buy into the commercialism that fancy ties will make the man in your life happy. If you want better communication, be direct about what you want, appreciate your partner's opinions and be willing to compromise. Give the gift of understanding as you build greater communication skills and strengthen your emotional ties.

The Men in Our Lives

Last week, we enjoyed Amy Dickinson's visit to our blog and her look at the important role women in her family - "The Mighty Queens" - have played. Now, with Father's Day just a week away, we turn our focus toward the men in our lives - fathers, brothers, husbands, lovers, sons, teachers, grandsons, even colleagues - and consider our relationships with them. We play a vital role in nourishing "our men" and are nourished by them as well. But how much do we really understand them?

John Gray has written about communication problems between men, from Mars, and women, from Venus, encouraging both to come together, celebrate their differences and understand one another. Gray describes men as "Mr. Fix-it," ready to offer solutions to problems without necessarily listening to the whole story and validating the feelings behind them. Women, on the other hand, are more attuned to talking about what is bothering them and are more likely to feel loved and cherished when the men in their life connect with them in this way. These different styles of communication can also mirror different needs for intimacy. Gray describes men as "rubber bands," who draw close and then pull away in their expressions of love. This snapping back and forth can leave women confused and hurt.

So how do we gain understanding of "the guys" and learn how to get what we need from them? Stay tuned in this week as we look at positive ways to experience the men around us. And, to learn more about how men in long-term relationships view communication, click on the title above to take you to an article on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, entitled "Father's Day, Boomer Men and Communication."

Tomorrow we start by taking a deeper look at how differences begin early in children's development.