Coping With Your Aging Dad on Father's Day

Father's Day gives us the chance to salute our dads and say thanks for all they're done for us. As a young girl, mine taught me how to swim, stand on my head and play tennis; as a teen, how to be responsible and accomplish my goals; as an adult how to feel cherished. As we all grow and mature, our relationships with our fathers change but the bond of love is constant.

If your dad has become more fragile as he ages, it's likely that your connection has been transformed. As more Baby Boomers become caretakers for their aging fathers, the stress of struggling with the issues this raises can be overwhelming. It's easy to become weighed down by the duties and responsibilities of caring for Dad. When you feel sandwiched between the demands of career and family, try these tips to help sustain you:

Get help. You don't have to do it alone. Reach out, create a network, hire someone to assist Dad as often as you think it's necessary. Have support systems in place, even if it's over his objections. Make good use of community interventions, respite care, support groups and adult caregiver resources.

Involve your siblings. Be honest with your family about your needs. Engage them in the problems and the solutions. Ask for practical help and delegate responsibilities. Have them set aside personal agendas and work together toward goals on which you've agreed.

Consider your present challenge as a teachable moment. Learn from the experience and apply these lessons to other areas of your life. What insight have you gained about dealing with your own healthy aging process? How can you talk to your children about your wishes when you become older?

Look for positives. Think less about what you're losing and more about the chance you may be gaining. Spending more time with your father, you'll have the opportunity to give back to him emotionally what he's given to you. And you may learn a lot about yourself and your capacity for resiliency as you care for Dad in the last years of his life.

If you're part of the Sandwich Generation, these may be especially difficult times. Rely on whatever sustains you as you search for a way to nourish yourself. Call on friends for support as well as your faith, spirituality, and sense of humor.

This weekend, if you can, let Dad know how much you appreciate the role he has played in your life. If your father is no longer alive, share stories about him with your children and grandchildren so they will know the kind of man he was. And a very Happy Father's Day to all the men in our lives.

Father's Day and Your Aging Dad

With Father's Day approaching, are your thoughts turning to the men in your life – father, husband, son, other male figures? Mine are. It's heartwarming to see how my sons have become devoted dads themselves, reflecting their own loving father. This weekend, I'll also be honoring the memory of my dad, who died in his 90^th year over a decade ago.    

While helping with his care during the final years of a chronic illness, it was painful to see how he was declining. Always active and fun-loving while I was growing up, he became weaker as he aged, both mentally and physically. As Sandwiched Boomers, it's difficult towatch as your parents deteriorate. And they may complicate the situation by being in denial about their vulnerable condition.

Today nearly 10 million adults are caregivers for their aging parents. If you're caring for an elderly father, it's up to you to acknowledge the true state of affairs and be straightforward in dealing with his increasing fragility. You'll need to discuss practical, yet uncomfortable, issues - health care directives, long-term care options, a designated power of attorney, distribution of income and assets. After addressing your most immediate concerns, here are some tips to help you plan and implement your care:

Learn about your dad’s illness. Educate yourself on what to expect and how to recognize warning signs threatening your father's health and independence.  Talk to friends who have gone through similar experiences in order to get realistic feedback and concrete advice.

Surf the Internet to investigate resources available to you. Some nonprofit organizations offer free services or financial grants for respite care for family members who provide most of the care to their chronically ill elders. If you're in the U.S., the National Family Caregiver Support Program provides funds and the Eldercare Locator identifies programs in local communities.

Involve you dad in decision-making. If you decide it's necessary to move your father out of his home or take over management of his finances that may signify a loss of independence to him, leading to anger, frustration, or depression. Understanding his pain, taking it slow and engaging a geriatric social worker or gerontologist can help the process.

Embrace the changes in your dad and respect his integrity. As he becomes less strong physically and mentally, he may lose some of the magical power he once had in your eyes. Still you can admire his courage and dignity, as he struggles, coming to terms with end of life issues. Recall the good times you shared even as you adjust to the changes in your roles.

Check back here again on Wednesday for more Father's Day tips for caring for your aging dad – especially if you're part of the sandwich generation.

Virtual Book Tour: Dr. Jed Diamond and "Mr. Mean"

Today we are delighted to welcome Dr. Jed Diamond to our blog’s Virtual Book Tour. Jed is the author of Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome. He is the director of MenAlive, a program that helps men and the women who love them. Mr. Mean answers critical questions that women and men have about how they can heal themselves, their partners and their relationships. Now see for yourself:

Nourishing Relationships: How did you come to write this book?

Jed Diamond: When my previous book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, was published in 2004, I began getting letters from women and men throughout the world telling me I had struck a chord and the book was helpful in saving their relationship. This is a typical response I received from a man:

Dear Dr. Jed,
I am a 45 year old man going through a divorce. I found your website, took the IMS quiz and scored 161, but didn’t seek help at the time. I thought I could handle things myself. That was a big mistake. If I had truly understood what I was dealing with I would have been able to see my relationships in a more realistic manner and I would probably still be in my house with my loved ones enjoying the holidays instead of being kicked out and on my own.
I wrote this book in order to help the thousands of women and men whose relationships are being destroyed by IMS.

N R: Why did you choose the title Mr. Mean?

J D: I chose the title because so many of the men suffering from IMS express their pain through anger and blame and often come across as being angry and "mean." Here’s a typical letter I received from a woman:

Last month a man came home from work with my husband’s face but he did not act at all like the man I married. I've known this man for 30 years, married 22 of them and have never met this guy before. Angry, nasty, and cruel are just a few words to describe him. He used to be the most upbeat, happy person I knew. Now he’s gone from Mr. Nice to Mr. Mean. In spite of how he treats me I still love my husband and want to save our marriage. Please, can you help me?

N R: You say your goal is to help 42,000 families in the 42 days between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Tell us about what you’re doing.

J D: This year Mother’s Day is May 9 and Father’s Day is June 20th. I know there are thousands of men and women who are suffering the effects of IMS. I want to reach 42,000 families to offer them the support they need to get through these difficult times.

People can go to my website at www.MenAlive.com. They can order a copy of the book and get additional free bonuses. In addition I’ve partnered with Scribd.com, the largest website for social publishing and reading in the world with more than 50,000,000 visitors a month. On Scribd people will be able to read my book, make comments, ask questions, even publish their own experiences. Come to my website to learn more.

N R: In the book you describe your own difficulties dealing with irritability and anger in your own life. Can you tell us about that?

J D: When I hit my early 40s I found myself becoming more hypersensitive and irritable. Little things started bothering me. I didn’t realize I was going through some kind of change. It seemed to be that other people, particularly my wife Carlin, were going out of their way to irritate me. I would often fly off the handle and get angry. At other times I would withdraw into stony silences. My wife complained that she was always walking on egg shells. She never knew whether I would be loving and caring or mean and angry. We were both miserable. It took me a long time to figure out that I was going through what I came to call The Irritable Male Syndrome or IMS.

N R: What are the primary symptoms and causes?

J D: I have found there are four core symptoms:

1. Hypersensitivity
The women who live with these men say things like the following:

•I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I’m around him.
•I never know when I’m going to say something that will set him off.
•He’s like a time bomb ready to explode but I never know when.

The men don’t often recognize their own hypersensitivity. Rather, their perception is that they are fine but everyone else is going out of their way to irritate them. The guys say things like:

•Quit bothering me.
•Leave me alone.
•No, nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.

One concept I have found helpful is the notion that many of us are “emotionally sunburned,” but our partners don’t know it. We might think of a man who is extremely sunburned and gets a loving hug from his wife. He cries out in anger and pain. He assumes she knows he’s sunburned so if she “grabs” him she must be trying to hurt him. She has no idea he is sunburned and can’t understand why he reacts angrily to her loving touch. You can see how this can lead a couple down a road of escalating confusion.

2. Anxiety
Anxiety is a state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic, or fantasized, threatening event or situation. IMS men live in constant worry and fear. There are many real threats that they are dealing with—sexual changes, job insecurities, relationship problems. There are also many uncertainties that lead men to ruminate and fantasize about future problems.

3. Frustration
IMS men feel blocked in attaining what they want and need in life. They often don’t even know what they need. When they do know, they may think there’s no way they can get it. They often feel defeated in the things they try to do to improve their lives. These men feel frustrated in their relationships with family, friends, and at work. The world is changing and they don’t know where, how, or if they fit in.

4. Anger
Anger can be simply defined as a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. Yet anger is a complex emotion. Outwardly expressed it can lead to aggression and violence. When it is turned inward it can result in depression and suicide. Anger can be direct and obvious or it can be subtle and covert. Anger can be loud or quiet. It can be expressed as hateful words, hurtful actions, or in stony silence. The primary causes of IMS are: Hormonal fluctuations, Biochemical changes in brain chemistry, Increasing stress, Loss of male identity and purpose.

These four often interact with each other. For instance, when we are under stress it throws our hormonal balance out of whack. When we lose are job or are afraid of losing it, our male identity is threatened and hormones like testosterone plummet.

N R: How do you know if a man is suffering from IMS?

J D: In doing the research for The Irritable Male Syndrome, I developed questionnaire that can help men (and the women who love them) to determine whether they are suffering from IMS. More than 60,000 men and thousands of women have taken the questionnaire. People can do it on-line at www.IMSquiz.com. The score can help you determine if IMS is a problem in your life.

N R: Why do so many mid-life men turn mean?

J D: Although Irritable Male Syndrome can occur at any age, it is quite prevalent at mid-life. What is it about mid-life that causes men to become angry? Why do they take it out on the person they say they love the most? These are the kinds of questions I hear from women who are trying to understand what is going on in their relationship.
Not all men experience all these losses, but most men experience many of them:

•Hormone levels are dropping.
•Sexual vigor is diminishing.
•Erections are less frequent and less firm.
•Children are leaving home.
•Parents are getting sick and dying.
•Job horizons are narrowing.
•Job security is gone.
•Retirement seems less and less possible.
•Friends are having their first heart attacks and cancer scares.
•Hopes and dreams are fading away.
But with recognition and support, mid-life can also be the most powerful, productive, and passionate time that we’ve ever experienced in our lives.

N R: Can hormonal changes cause men to become more irritable?

J D: Although many people associate being “hormonal” with being female, the truth is that male hormonal changes are every bit as real and can be as troublesome as any changes that women experience. It's time we broke the silence and began talking about the fact that men, too, undergo hormonal changes throughout their lives.
Dr. Gerald Lincoln, who coined the term “Irritable Male Syndrome,” found that lowering levels of testosterone in his research animals caused them to become more irritable, biting their cages as well as the researchers who were testing them. Low testosterone also has a negative affect on men. Although low testosterone is more prevalent in men over 40, it can occur in men of any age.

N R: How do you get through to a man who refuses to admit he has a problem?

J D: Ninety percent of the men who are going through IMS don’t recognize that there is a problem. When asked, they will usually deny that anything is wrong. If pressed, they will withdraw or lash out. Most spouses of IMS men feel they are caught in a bind. “I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t,” a 56-year-old woman, married to an IMS man told me. “If I try to help him recognize there is a problem, he resists me and things get worse between us. If I ignore the problem, things just get worse and I feel that I keep getting emotionally battered. What can I do?”

1. Take a deep breath, relax, and move towards the problem.
2. Think about helping yourself, rather than helping him.
3. Recognize his anger and “meanness” as expressions of his inner ambivalence and woundedness.
4. Act like the Velvet Bulldog. Be gentle but tenacious.
5. Take things a step at a time. Denial releases its grip gradually at first.

N R: What are things you can do right away to keep the relationship from going under?

J D: Although repairing the damage caused by IMS can take some time, there are things a woman can do right away to keep the relationship from going under, including the following:

1.Don’t panic.
2.Reach out and connect with what is stable in your life.
3.Just say “no"! No about moving out, etc.
4.Remember his brain is locked on to the “old witch,” but it can change back to the “young woman.”
5.Stand up for yourself.

NR: Thanks so much, Jed, for joining us today. You've been so generous with your time and knowledge about this sensitive topic and we appreciate your honesty and wisdom. You can learn more about Jed's work and Mr. Mean at MenAlive.

We’re also grateful to the readers and sandwiched boomers who have dropped by. If you have questions for Jed about the challenges of living with a partner who is going through emotional changes that are affecting your relationship, please click on "Comments" and let us hear from you. And log on again tomorrow and we’ll be summarizing your questions and Jed’s feedback.

Boomer Couples and Effective Communication

Did you know that June is effective communication month? And since our Virtual Book Tour this Thursday features Dr. Jed Diamond and his newly published book, Mr. Mean, the blog posts this week will be about how we talk and listen to each other.

Ready for your 'to do' list? When addressing a sensitive subject, talk about a specific outcome you would like to achieve. Be honest and direct about what you have to say. As your body language, content and tone of voice really matter, calibrate your emotions and monitor any negative comments. Try to take some responsibility by using "I-focused" statements and be clear that what you're saying is not necessarily universal but your own opinion.

Try to listen closely to your partner's response without planning a rebuttal. And look at the issues from their perspective, which may be very different from yours. If you can be empathic to their viewpoint by asking questions, both of you may be more open to understanding the other position. And what could be better than that?

If you're beginning to think about Father's Day, read more about effective communication on our website, HerMentorCenter.com, in an article entitled 'Father's Day, Boomer Men and Communication.' And while you're there, look around for other information that may interest you. The Library is full of articles with practical solutions to family problems.

Honoring Our Dads on Father's Day

We end our week dedicated to improving our understanding of the men in our lives by thinking about fathers. Traditional wisdom tells us that, especially in the past, they were less involved with parenting than mothers. But, looking back at our own childhoods, we recognize that we've gotten so much from them. They taught us how to do things, how to accomplish our goals, and especially how to feel cherished.

Usually they would teach by playing - at first by throwing us up in the air as babies, later by hitting a tennis ball back and forth or teaching us chess moves or how to dive - or any number of other activities we loved to do with them. And even if they didn't communicate as well verbally as our mothers did, they let us know how proud of us they were. As we grew and matured, our relationship changed but the bond of their love was always a constant.

To read more about how the connection with our fathers is transformed as they age, click on the title above to take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com. It links you to our article, "How to Shift from Daddy's Girl to Dad's Caregiver." As a Sandwiched Boomer, we hope you will find the tips there helpful in caring for your aging father.

This weekend, if you can, let Dad know how much you appreciate the role he has played in your upbringing. If your father is no longer alive, share stories about him with your children and grandchildren so they will know the kind of man he was. And a very Happy Father's Day to all the men in our lives.

Competition and Cooperation

Yesterday, in honor of Father's Day, we started a blog series about how to better understand the men in our lives. We looked at how their conversations often revolve around how to fix things, solve a problem, accomplish a goal - that is, when they're not about the score of the latest, or a classic old, game.

Visiting this week with our three young grandsons, it is easy to see how this focus develops early. As we watch them play together, and play with them, it is striking how many of their activities involve competition. Playing H-O-R-S-E on the garage basketball net or hockey in the basement with makeshift goals or baseball at the park - it's mostly about winning, being the best, outperforming the others. Even when we are working together building electric circuits, their need to "be first" - at each and every step - often overwhelms their interest in learning how to create something new. There's no denying that each of the boys seem to feel the need to be at the top of the food chain - it's almost as it their confidence and self-worth depend on it.

We women attempt to socialize the boys and encourage them toward cooperation. But, in most cases, their default is to treat each other as rivals to be beaten. Boys' play tests their abilities to relate to one another through competition as they vie for position. More concrete than girls, they don't generally share their emotions. When they do, usually it's anger and hurt that spill out in response to some slight. Tomorrow, we'll look at how these early differences are reflected in our on-going relations with other males every day.

To read more about grandchildren and our bonds with them, click on the title above to take you to an article on our website, HerMentorCenter.com, entitled "Create Meaningful Bonds with Your Grandchildren Across the Miles."

The Men in Our Lives

Last week, we enjoyed Amy Dickinson's visit to our blog and her look at the important role women in her family - "The Mighty Queens" - have played. Now, with Father's Day just a week away, we turn our focus toward the men in our lives - fathers, brothers, husbands, lovers, sons, teachers, grandsons, even colleagues - and consider our relationships with them. We play a vital role in nourishing "our men" and are nourished by them as well. But how much do we really understand them?

John Gray has written about communication problems between men, from Mars, and women, from Venus, encouraging both to come together, celebrate their differences and understand one another. Gray describes men as "Mr. Fix-it," ready to offer solutions to problems without necessarily listening to the whole story and validating the feelings behind them. Women, on the other hand, are more attuned to talking about what is bothering them and are more likely to feel loved and cherished when the men in their life connect with them in this way. These different styles of communication can also mirror different needs for intimacy. Gray describes men as "rubber bands," who draw close and then pull away in their expressions of love. This snapping back and forth can leave women confused and hurt.

So how do we gain understanding of "the guys" and learn how to get what we need from them? Stay tuned in this week as we look at positive ways to experience the men around us. And, to learn more about how men in long-term relationships view communication, click on the title above to take you to an article on our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, entitled "Father's Day, Boomer Men and Communication."

Tomorrow we start by taking a deeper look at how differences begin early in children's development.

This year we have chosen two winners of our Father's Day contest. Although their entries were very different, we found each of them meaningful and are delighted to share them with you. Please join us in congratulating Lyn and Linda who will each receive a free coaching session from us. We thank all of our readers for their thoughtful contributions.

Lyn Godin writes about her father and how he made a difference in the lives of those around him.

"In the 50s, my father was a school principal of a small school - grades one to nine. Winters are long in northern New Brunswick and there wasn't much to do outside in the wintertime back then. So, my father decided to build an ice rink on the side of the school. He started a boys' hockey team and coached it and with the help of a few of the boys, he would flood the rink every night, and shovel and scrape. He built a little hut with a pot-bellied stove and benches where we could warm up and change our skates. Every fine night he would go to the school for a couple of hours and play music out of loudspeakers for everyone to skate to. It's where I learned to skate. I don't remember any other father giving up their time to go out and help him but that never stopped him. He made a difference. All the students looked up to him and he was my dad! This is one of my most cherished memories (of many, I have to admit) of my father."

Our second winner, Linda Burbidge, wrote a poem honoring her dad at the end of his life.


I knew it was your time to go.
You were tired, no appetite for a fight,
Even for your life.
As the blood pooled in your brain,
And we waited for the end,
I told them you were dreaming
Morphine dreams of your perfect last day
In the pale prairie sun.


In your last years
Fear shrank your world
Until all that would fit was pleasant and mild.
All edges rounded, no bittersweet or sour,
No risk or surprise, no harsh words admitted.
I scrutinized and judged your choices
But never aloud.


I never cried at your funeral
Even as I gave the eulogy and watched
The grief of others flow.
Even as I sorted the artifacts
Of your meticulous life, and imagined
A sweet earnest graduate student
Recording everything.


And only now do I weep
Unpredictably
At a glimpsed silhouette,
An old man in a peaked cap
Shrunk behind the wheel
Of a too large car.

As Sandwiched Boomers, it's easy to become weighed down by the duties and responsibilities of caring for an aging father. But as we join together to honor our dad's on Sunday, lets consider the positive results of this complex relationship as well.

See the present challenge as a teachable moment and make the most of learning whatever you can. Apply these lessons to other areas of your life. What insight have you gained about dealing with your own aging process? How can you talk to your children about your wishes when you become older?

Look for all of the positives in these tough times. Gloria was learning a lot about herself as she cared for her dad in the last months of his life. "I had never really been tested like this before. Sometimes caring for him seemed like more than I could endure, but I kept going. Now I know how strong I can be." In the end, think less about what you're losing and more about the chance you may be gaining. This could be the only time in your life that you have the opportunity to give back to your father emotionally what he has given to you

As you are discovering more about developing your own capacity for resiliency, you will find the way to nourish yourself. You may call on your faith, your spirituality, or your sense of humor. Rely on whatever sustains you during these most difficult moments. And we hope you enjoy a happy Father's Day.

With Father's Day approaching, later this week we'll be announcing the winner of our contest honoring fathers and the unique role they play in our lives. We will print selected entries here in the blog and in our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, available through our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com

Sandwiched Boomers have been sharing with us their childhood memories of their fathers - and how these men have shaped their grown daughters in important ways.

Tricia talked about how her recollections of the active role her father played in her life were so at odds with who he had become later in life. It was painful for Tricia, as her father declined in his 80's. "Dad and I shared such fun times together when I was young - he taught me how to ride a horse, shoot a BB gun, ice skate, stand on my head. He was always so active. Last year, I had to insist that he not drive anymore. Now, seeing him shuffle around just breaks my heart."

What are the memories you have of your Dad? What lessons have you learned from him?

We hope you all had a lovely Mother's Day and were able to connect with your family members.

We are happy to announce the winner of our Mother's Day contest. Here is the winning essay, written by Sheri Fisher, who will receive a spring bouquet to enjoy, compliments of NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and HerMentorCenter.com.

"My mother has been gone now for twelve years, but the most significant thing I think she taught me was to be independent.

When I was growing up she always worked at an outside job. Therefore, I was left on my own a lot to fend for myself, whether it was making my own lunch, or just entertaining myself. As a child I always resented the fact that she was never around so that we could develop a relationship and talk.

As I got older and married, had a family, divorced and remarried, moved to another city all by myself to develop a new life, remarried again, one day I had a light bulb moment! I stopped those old tapes in my head about how I was left on my own so much as a child, how my mother was never there after school with the homemade cookies and milk. I realized the fact that because she did teach me to have such independence, I was able to carry on in my life the way many women of my generation could not have done, such as moving to a new city all by myself without knowing anyone and building a whole new life, traveling to Europe alone and having a new adventure and loving it. Things like that were only possible because I was, and still am, so independent.

I wish my mother was here today so I could tell her how much she actually did for me and to thank her and tell her how much I loved her and can now appreciate what she did for me."

Sherri responded to our award by writing: "Thank you so much for this honor. I am very excited about winning the essay and the bouquet. Thank you again and I wish all the mothers in the world a very Happy Mother's Day."

Stay tuned in for more information about our upcoming Father's Day contest. You'll have a chance to honor your Dad and the lessons you have learned from that important man in your life. We'll announce the winner in our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and here on the blog next month, where we'll publish her essay. And our champion will again receive flowers from us. So send us your reminiscences about your Dad and what he taught you. Email us at Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com.

Father's day was a big gathering at our place. It all began 10 years ago when our son's fraternity brothers who had settled in Los Angeles got together with their dads for a softball game. It became an annual event. Last Sunday, with children, parents and in-laws, we numbered more than 60.

What nostalgia - when it seems like only yesterday that we were celebrating our fathers and playing with our young children. What a pleasure to see our children as parents themselves. Time really does fly.