Honoring Our Dads on Father's Day

We end our week dedicated to improving our understanding of the men in our lives by thinking about fathers. Traditional wisdom tells us that, especially in the past, they were less involved with parenting than mothers. But, looking back at our own childhoods, we recognize that we've gotten so much from them. They taught us how to do things, how to accomplish our goals, and especially how to feel cherished.

Usually they would teach by playing - at first by throwing us up in the air as babies, later by hitting a tennis ball back and forth or teaching us chess moves or how to dive - or any number of other activities we loved to do with them. And even if they didn't communicate as well verbally as our mothers did, they let us know how proud of us they were. As we grew and matured, our relationship changed but the bond of their love was always a constant.

To read more about how the connection with our fathers is transformed as they age, click on the title above to take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com. It links you to our article, "How to Shift from Daddy's Girl to Dad's Caregiver." As a Sandwiched Boomer, we hope you will find the tips there helpful in caring for your aging father.

This weekend, if you can, let Dad know how much you appreciate the role he has played in your upbringing. If your father is no longer alive, share stories about him with your children and grandchildren so they will know the kind of man he was. And a very Happy Father's Day to all the men in our lives.

As Sandwiched Boomers, it's easy to become weighed down by the duties and responsibilities of caring for an aging father. But as we join together to honor our dad's on Sunday, lets consider the positive results of this complex relationship as well.

See the present challenge as a teachable moment and make the most of learning whatever you can. Apply these lessons to other areas of your life. What insight have you gained about dealing with your own aging process? How can you talk to your children about your wishes when you become older?

Look for all of the positives in these tough times. Gloria was learning a lot about herself as she cared for her dad in the last months of his life. "I had never really been tested like this before. Sometimes caring for him seemed like more than I could endure, but I kept going. Now I know how strong I can be." In the end, think less about what you're losing and more about the chance you may be gaining. This could be the only time in your life that you have the opportunity to give back to your father emotionally what he has given to you

As you are discovering more about developing your own capacity for resiliency, you will find the way to nourish yourself. You may call on your faith, your spirituality, or your sense of humor. Rely on whatever sustains you during these most difficult moments. And we hope you enjoy a happy Father's Day.

As more Baby Boomers become caretakers for their aging fathers, the stress of struggling with the issues this raises can become overwhelming. When you feel sandwiched between the demands of career and family, reach out for support.

Don't do it alone - secure help, even if it is over your parents' objections, and have support systems in place. Reach out, create a network, hire someone to assist them as often as you think is necessary. Betty was frantic about making arrangements for her dad after his stroke. "I was so relieved when I was introduced to the hospital discharge planner. Her expertise and kindness made the move to a rehabilitation center almost bearable." Make good use of community interventions, respite care, support groups and adult caregiver resources.

Be forthright with your family. Engage your siblings in the problems and the solutions. Ask for practical help and delegate responsibilities. Have them set aside personal agendas and work together toward collective goals.

Some nonprofit organizations nationwide offer free services or financial grants for respite care for family members who provide most of the care to their chronically ill elders. The federal government, through the National Family Caregiver Support Program, provided funds for respite care to over 190,000 families in 2004. To learn if there is a program in your local community, go online to Eldercare.gov and look for the Eldercare Locator, or call 1-800-677-1116.

As Sandwiched Boomers, it's difficult to watch as your parents deteriorate. And they may complicate the situation by being in denial about their vulnerable condition. It's up to you to acknowledge the true state of affairs and be straightforward in dealing with your father's increasing fragility. A number of issues must be discussed, uncomfortable as that is - health care directives in an emergency, long-term care options, the designated power of attorney, distribution of income and assets.

After evaluating the practical issues that need to be managed, you will feel more in control as you gather detailed information and make arrangements for the most immediate concerns. Like Tricia, you can recall the good times and use some of the following tips to help you plan and implement your caregiving:

Embrace the changes in your parents and respect their integrity. Accept them at whatever stage they are, even as they become less strong physically and mentally. Willa reminisced about her father. "He has always been my hero. As a child, I felt safe with him because he was so powerful. Now I admire his courage and dignity, as he struggles with coming to terms with end of life issues."

If your aging father has become ill, spend time learning more about his illness. Educate yourself on what to expect and the resources available. Talk to friends who have gone through similar experiences in order to get realistic feedback and concrete advice.

Make sure that your parents are as involved in the decision-making process as they can be. Moving out of their own home may signify their loss of independence. This often creates anger, frustration, or feelings of depression. Understanding their pain and engaging a geriatric social worker or gerontologist at this time can be helpful for your father and everyone else in the family.