Sandwich Generation: Love Yourself

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. If you're single and feeling out of sorts, here are some ideas about how to brighten your day:

Give yourself an emotional break and watch what happens. With a deep breath, release any negative thoughts you have about not being in a relationship. Actively dispute the notion that you are unworthy or unattractive. Choose an affirmation that rings true for you - I'm fine just the way I am; my life is full of those who care about me - and repeat it out loud, with conviction and often.

Take a step back and trust your instincts. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance about where you are right now. As you recognize your strengths, focus on why you're happy with who you are and what's important to you. Be sure that you're integrating your core values and personal ideals into how you live your life.

Let go of bad feelings and think positive. If you continue to feel frustrated, angry or disappointed, remember that a minor change in attitude can make a big difference in how you relate to others. According to Indira Gandhi, "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." Try to find humor in your situation and fall back on laughter.

Still having a hard time taking control of your mood? If you click on the title of this post, you can read an article about how boomers can sing rock and roll instead of the blues. And tomorrow we'll be back with more Valentine's Day tips.

Staycations and Vacations

All week we have been focusing on how Sandwiched Boomers and others can keep down the costs of a summer vacation by taking a home-centered "Staycation." With the funds you save by not taking a full-blown family vacation, you can add in some more expensive side trips. You can visit a theme park, if there is one near you. Pack in as much as you can for a fun filled time - rides, shows, food, shopping.

Or visit a zoo, aquarium or water park that offers shows for the kids. They'll learn first hand about the habitats and lifestyles of many species.


You can drive to a lake or the ocean and can spend a day or two with the family enjoying the vastness of the waterscape, the warmth of the sand, the sound of the waves crashing, the smell of sunscreen, the open blue sky.


Or drive to the hills or mountains for full days of hiking and camping in the simple beauty of nature. Park Rangers may be available to give you all informative talks about the flora and fauna you are seeing.

Put yourself in the picture. To read more about how Sandwiched Boomers can plan special vacations with all three generations, click on the title above to take you to our website, HerMentorCenter.com and our article, "Creating Special Family Vacations for the Sandwich Generation."

Creating Your Own Success

Now that you have decided that you are ready to make a change, planning how to achieve your New Year's resolutions is crucial. Acknowledge your role in the process and focus on the strategies that work for you. As you use these tips to turn your goals into reality, enjoy the satisfaction that comes from your success in 2009.

When you click on the title above, it will take you to the Top Ten Self-fullness Tips for Sandwiched Women, an article in the Nourishing Relationships section of our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com. Give yourself permission to take better care of yourself - it will give you the balance you need to make your New Year's resolutions a reality.

Weather reports across the United States tell us we are in the midst of an artic cold spell this week. How to stay warm? Heaters are good - cuddling with your love even better. Here are some tips for creating a hot relationship with your Sandwiched Generation partner.

Invest in your partnership. Make time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. The efforts that you put into growing and developing it will be returned in multiples. Use each other for support as you are going through the myriad challenges of life.

Keep up the romance. Remind each other why you fell in love. Set aside time to be together and focus on each other. Be free with your affection and warmth. Tap into your sensuality and find new ways of exploring and expressing your sexual relationship together.

Enjoy each other. Be playful and have fun together. Laugh and bring humor into your daily life. Plan some adventures - discover new activities you both like to do. All of these bring more pleasure into your relationship and encourage real intimacy between you.

Our final tip this week comes full circle to taking better care of youself. The more you do, the better able you are to care for others. Remember what the stewardess says on each plane trip, put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help your children put on theirs.

Take care of yourself. You know what you need to do. Find a way to make it happen. Get a good night's sleep - 6 to 8 hours a night helps you physically, improving your immune response, as well as emotionally. Eat a healthy diet of fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, whole grain carbs. Participate in regular exercise to increase the flow of oxygen-rich blood, bring down resting adreneline rates and decrease depression. Increase your social network - going out with friends is not only fun, it lowers your inflammatory responses. Practice daily the stress reduction exercises we have talked about this week - deep breathing, mindfulness, meditation - to reduce your heart rate, blood pressure and stress hormones such as cortisol. Work on reframing your thoughts to keep from catastrophizing.

B. Lynn Goodwin has commented about blog this week and added another helpful tip for relieving stress. "Thanks for posting such helpful hints. Stress always rises in December and this year it could shoot through the roof as the economy looms large over all of us. Here's one more technique for reducing stress. Journal about it. Let your fears spill out on paper. As you write you process stress, relax, and solutions emerge. You might find yourself feeling hopeful again. Want a little help getting started? Visit www.writeradvice.com, click on Journaling for Caregivers and explore. Everyone in the sandwich generation is a caregiver for someone. Be a caregiver who takes care of herself. Journal."

These times of economic freefall are stressful for everyone. Investors are feeling insecure, not knowing what to expect next. Without a financial safety net, you may feel out of control as credit dries up, your 401K declines to a '201K' and your retirement benefits disappear. It's not easy to keep your emotions in check but you have a responsibility to learn to control your behavior so that it is not abusive. You owe that to your family - and yourself.

Did you know that July is Sandwich Generation month? It was established last year as the official month celebrating the dedication and patience of those who are squeezed between raising growing children and actively caring for their aging parents. According to the Pew Research Center, just over 1 of every 8 Americans aged 40 to 60 falls into this definition of a Sandwich Generation member. In addition, there are 7 to 10 million adults caring for their elders from a long distance.

Are you a Sandwiched Boomer, struggling daily and exhausted from your family caregiving duties? Become aware of the support options available to you and reach out for help.

Ask for what you need from your family members and seek out professionals for their expertise and guidance. You don't have to do everything yourself. Let your spouse, children and siblings know exactly how you feel, what you want from them, and how they can do their share.

Recognize that it is healthy to receive as well as to give. Taking help when it is offered doesn't diminish your abilities. Accept and integrate the admiration that others express for you. Relish the gratitude and love that your partner, parents and children demonstrate.

As you decide to take better care of yourself, you will discover the strength to find balance in your life. Develop a firm core of self-fullness - it will sustain you as you continue to nurture your growing and changing family.

As more Baby Boomers become caretakers for their aging fathers, the stress of struggling with the issues this raises can become overwhelming. When you feel sandwiched between the demands of career and family, reach out for support.

Don't do it alone - secure help, even if it is over your parents' objections, and have support systems in place. Reach out, create a network, hire someone to assist them as often as you think is necessary. Betty was frantic about making arrangements for her dad after his stroke. "I was so relieved when I was introduced to the hospital discharge planner. Her expertise and kindness made the move to a rehabilitation center almost bearable." Make good use of community interventions, respite care, support groups and adult caregiver resources.

Be forthright with your family. Engage your siblings in the problems and the solutions. Ask for practical help and delegate responsibilities. Have them set aside personal agendas and work together toward collective goals.

Some nonprofit organizations nationwide offer free services or financial grants for respite care for family members who provide most of the care to their chronically ill elders. The federal government, through the National Family Caregiver Support Program, provided funds for respite care to over 190,000 families in 2004. To learn if there is a program in your local community, go online to Eldercare.gov and look for the Eldercare Locator, or call 1-800-677-1116.

We spent an exciting day Friday at Book Expo America, mingling with authors, publishers and consumers. What a joy to meet with creative women who are sharing their thoughts with all of us. More to come later on the evolution of our own book.

For those of you who are mothers-in-law, our message this week has been that your married children's lives are moving forward and so can yours. Focus your energy on taking care of yourself rather than on controlling your married children and their spouses. This is a new chapter in everyone's life. You can best serve your emerging relationship with them, and your own personal growth as a member of the Sandwich Generation, when you choose to enjoy your new role of mother-in-law.

Now that June is fast approaching, and with it the wedding season, are you looking back and remembering what your friends told you last winter? When your son popped the question, the congratulations from them included some advice about the wedding: "smile, shut up and wear beige."

Your son's marriage, soon to become a reality, brings with it a whole new set of Rules and Regs. How, then, to take on your new role without giving up your true self? As a member of the Sandwiched Generation, you have become experienced at balancing everyone else's needs. Now think about how you can find the equilibrium for yourself between your role as involved, engaged mother and deferential, respectful mother-in-law. Can you rewrite the definition of a "MIL" without becoming the Mother-in-Law from Hell?

We know you can do this! As a Baby Boomer, you came of age during the sexual revolution, juggled career and family, broke new ground for women, enjoyed the role of superwoman. Come to this new learning experience with the same gusto you brought to those challenges. If you don't want to walk on eggshells around your daughter-in-law for the rest of your life, tune in tomorrow for some tips to help you transition into the Mother-in-Law your growing family will admire and love.

Your relationship with your mom is likely to be complex and full of twists and turns, evolving over the years as you change. One Sandwiched Boomer ruminates about how she transformed her connections with her mother.

When Agnes was a teenager, she felt that her strong mother was trying to control her. She looked forward to getting out from under her thumb and moved across the country when she married and raised her own family. They maintained their connections but at a distance.

As her children matured, so did Agnes. She began to see her mom as a person, not just as her Mother. Agnes recognized that she admired and respected many of her mother’s characteristics - her sense of responsibility, her independence, her humor, her common sense. Warily, Agnes began to approach her mother more and more as an individual. As she did, she was able to reach out to her and forgive her mother for the way she had treated her before.

Asked about her aging mom's final years, Agnes related, "After she had a stroke, I moved her into our home. She lived with our family until she died. It was hard on everyone but we all became closer and I began to understand her even better. I wouldn't trade that year for anything."

As you in the Sandwiched Generation continue to build bonds with your mother, savor these moments. Reflect on your feelings from the past and cultivate rich memories now to sustain you in the future.

We have been talking about Mother's Day all week and now here are some more suggestions for you Sandwiched Boomers as you continue to deal with the complicated relationship with your aging mother.

The old fashioned art of letter writing can help you develop a closer bond with your mom, even after all these years. Write her a letter about how grateful you feel to have her as your mother. Sharing these feelings increases good memories about the past and leads to greater personal satisfaction for both of you.

If you have some old, unpleasant issues to work out with your mother, you may be able to move forward in addressing them by writing her an apology letter or a letter offering forgiveness. When you apologize, you free yourself from shame or guilt and your mother from dwelling on anger or resentment.

When you forgive your mother for some past transgression, it doesn't necessarily excuse the action, but does free you from ruminating about it. Forgiveness releases you from the past; it is a gift that you give to yourself.

Tomorrow, we'll share a story with you about how one woman in the Sandwiched Generation grew and forged a new bond with her older mother. You can think about it as you write your own story.

With Mother's Day celebrations just three days ago, how can you in the Sandwiched Generation set the stage this year to let your mom know that you care about her more than just during those 24 hours?

The gift of time is one of the most precious presents that you can give your aging mother. Spend some quality time with her talking and reminiscing. Look through old family photographs and ask her to tell you stories about when she was a young girl. The time you spend with her now will sustain you both.

Make your mom feel more valued by concentrating just on her - plan a date with her for lunch or shopping. Let yourself become absorbed and delight in these pleasurable activities. Pay attention to the details. Talk about what you are doing, appreciating and enjoying. Linger awhile in order to make it last.

On some of your visits do a chore to ease her burden - go grocery shopping together, accompany her to the next doctor's appointment, cook a delicious meal with enough left over for the next day.

Come back tomorrow and we'll give you Sandwiched Boomers some more bite-sized suggestions for nurturing your mother.

You may have sent flowers, candy and greeting cards to your mom on Mother's Day but, as Sandwiched Boomers, we recognize that what aging mothers really want every day of the year is to feel nurtured.

Ellie's mother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, no longer recognized her. Ellie felt very sad but resigned. "Mom is so sweet, even if she doesn't know who I am most of the time. It's now like I’m her mom and I feel good being able to help her when I can. I just want to get her the best care possible." Ellie’s attitude helps her understand the changes in her mother and plan what to do now.

Baby Boomers recognize that aging is a natural progression and a normal part of the life cycle. But just as it is difficult to accept your own aging, when you witness your mother regressing, the facts of life provide scant comfort. Acknowledging your mother's decline in well-being, becomes the first step in your plans for realistic long-term care for her.

Research shows that money, title, or good health has less effect on life satisfaction than strong personal relationships. So now that Mother's Day is over, make a commitment to do what you can to improve your relationship and give your mom and yourself positive memories. Tune in the rest of this week for six tips to help you get started.

With families spread across the nation, many Sandwiched Boomers find that a summer family reunion provides an opportunity to reconnect with relatives in your extended family. You’ll have a completely different experience than when you see each other briefly at weddings, holidays or funerals. Getting everyone together in a vacation setting gives you the chance to catch up without time distractions. It takes advance planning but the rewards can be great for the whole family. You may rediscover your cousin's keen sense of humor, appreciate your great aunt's wisdom or delight in your young nephew. Perhaps your brother has grown up and will pitch in to help you, now that he sees how hard it is to take care of your parents.

Going on vacation for those in the Sandwich Generation is like investing in your emotional bank account. You generate vivid and positive memories that you can draw on when you need them. "Whenever I feel stressed out, I take a deep breath and remember how relaxed I was when we spent time at the beach," Beth related. "The kids were free to run around in the sand, play in the water and make as much noise as they wanted without me having to shush them. And my parents were so content, just sitting in the sun and being a part of the family fun. It makes me smile just to visualize that scene in my head."

If you haven't already done so, now may be the time to talk with your family about planning for your own special family time. It could be a few days camping, some weekend activities at a local lake or places in your community that you don’t usually have the time to visit. Enjoy the summer as you create memories to carry you and your family through the rest of the year.

On February 18 this year, Americans will celebrate President's Day - another watered-down Monday, long-weekend-holiday filled with retail sales and little mention of the meaning of the day. We Baby Boomers remember when, instead, we honored Abraham Lincoln's birthday on February 12 and George Washington's on February 22. It seemed easier then to teach children the values of the founding fathers and honorable Presidents. Who could forget the story of George Washington admitting that he chopped down the cherry tree, saying "I cannot tell a lie," or the myriad tales about "honest Abe." These were our role models then, not the squabbling candidates with sound bites and spin that dominate our airways now.

How do we find role models for our children and grandchildren today when they see sports heros taking steroids, award-winning rock stars zoned-out on drugs, glamorous starlets pictured in drunken stupor, religious leaders and teachers molesting children? Perhaps we need look no farther than to our own parents. Many of their generation, "the greatest," lived through the depression, the Second World War and the Cold War. They were tempered by the hard realities of life and their values were shaped by the need to retain their ideals nevertheless. Who better to pass on the importance of internal strength, decency, honesty, hard work, fair play to our children?

As a Sandwiched Boomer, often exhausted by the day-to-day needs of caring for your aging parents and growing children, you may not have thought about how your parents can help you form the values of your children. Encourage them to spend time with your family, telling stories about their lives and how they dealt with the ups and downs they faced. Let your children learn from them how to live a life worthy of their legacy. You will all gain from the experiences. Use this President's Day to inaugurate your own message for change!

As a member of the Sandwiched Generation, are you feeling left out by the pollsters covering the Presidential primaries? We're hearing more and more about the importance of the youth vote to the candidates but not much about the value of the Baby Boomer electorate. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are each presenting themselves as the most relevant choice for the first-time voter; John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee are appearing on college campuses in an attempt to win over the youth of the country.

But the reality is that in the 2004 Presidential election, Americans over the age of 55 comprised more than 35% of the voters whereas those under the age of 25 made up less than 10%. And in the off-year 2006 elections, a whopping 52% of all voters were over 50. Older voters in the swing states of Florida, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Arizona and Nevada make up a greater percentage of the population than the national average - their choices this year will have significant effects.

So what can you do to focus the attention of the pundits and proclaim your relevance in this election? Use your voice to raise the awareness of the media to your power. Educate yourself about the issues that are important to you and the candidates' positions on them. Recognize that the problems you face as a Sandwiched Boomer, caring for your aging parents and growing children, are not unique to you but rather are typical of your group. Advocate for solutions. Check out www.dividedwefail.org, an AARP-based nonpartisan website encouraging the midlife electorate to become involved and knowledgeable. Then get out there and demand action.

Americans are busy spending well over $26 billion on gift cards this holiday season. And, just when you thought you'd heard it all, here comes the idea of a medical gift card. With Christmas literally right around the corner and your stress level high, it may be exactly what the doctor ordered.

This unique card is being issued by Visa and the targeted audience is the Sandwiched Boomers. They are the ones buying presents for aging parents who have increasing health needs. They're also looking to gift their emerging adult children who are at college or living on their own and concerned about their fitness. The gift can be used toward a variety of health related services – prescription co-pays, medical or dental visits, contact lenses, even some wellness programs, elective surgery and gym memberships.

For that special someone who has everything or the hard-to-buy-for one on your shopping list, it's the perfect idea. And your contribution will help your loved ones stay healthy in the New Year.

Here are the tips we promised this week to help you care for yourself as well as your aging parents when their golden years are tarnished. You can use these suggestions to reduce your Sandwiched Generation stress during the holidays and long after:

Give up your ideas of perfection and be realistic about the path ahead. You will not have the benefit you had imagined of involved, wise, old parents in your life. Acknowledge that the dementia will steadily increase and your parents will become less and less responsive to you. Be respectful of your parents' dignity even as you transfer control over their circumstances from them to you.

Evaluate your options as you keep an open mind. There is not one correct solution for everyone in your situation. It is helpful to hear from others what they have learned but you are still the only one walking in your shoes.

Look for resources in the community to help you. Recognize that you can't, nor do you have to, do everything yourself. Contact local gerontologists, talk with hospital social workers, meet with health care aides, visit nursing homes, join a caregiver support group.

Be honest with your siblings about their responsibilities. Even if you've been in conflict when them in the past, resolve to have an on-going dialogue now and be firm about finding a way to share the care-giving duties.

Take care of yourself to decrease the burnout that is common. A good support system gives you the opportunity to express your emotions and receive comfort. Set aside time for rest and relaxation, difficult as that may be to arrange. A sense of humor will get you through some tough times, as you laugh through your tears.

Look at how your past relationship with your parent has affected your present way of life. This is especially important if your parent was abusive when you were growing up. Decide to let go of the tendency to define your behavior today as a response to the memories you hold of your childhood. Make up your mind to make changes in your behavior that benefit you now.

Grow up. As you take on the complex chores of caregiver, you are the one ultimately making decisions about your own life as well as that of your parents. Both Wendy and Jon Savage matured as they reconnected with each other and their father, making dramatic changes in their lives after his death. They were able to trust themselves and take chances to achieve what they wanted, both professionally and personally.

Just as in the aptly named children's game, tug-of-war, you in the Sandwich Generation may feel like you are in a battle zone - pulled simultaneously from both sides and stretched to the limit in the middle. It is a struggle to sense the breaking point, which must be done to protect yourself for the long haul. It's not easy to put limits on the connection with your aging parents, but you need to place that relationship in the context of the rest of your life. Trust yourself as you design a plan that works for all of the family, yourself included.

At this time of year, the holidays with their comforting repeated rituals can be bittersweet when our loved ones are not with us to share them. It is even more poignant when aging parents are there physically but not mentally. They may not remember the joy of holidays spent together in the past nor recognize the new members who have joined the family circle. As a Sandwiched Boomer, you may be facing these kinds of holiday celebrations with apprehension.


No doubt, your parents had looked forward their sixties, seventies and eighties as golden years, with the chance to enjoy the fruits of their labors. But what happens when those days become tarnished gold? What if nothing you or your parents do can restore the shine you all were expecting? This is what faces Sandwiched Boomers each year when their parents are diagnosed with Alzheimer's, senile dementia or stroke.


Today, dementia of some kind has affected 14% of Americans over the age of 71 and the incidence is rising. Caring for these seniors generally falls to their Baby Boomer children; studies indicate that one in four families now take care of an elderly parent. Often the caretakers are women. According to a recent AARP study, 8.7 million American women aged 45 and older are caring for both aging parents and growing children. How they, and their brothers in some cases, cope with these demands is of increasing concern.

Now even Hollywood has begun to look at the dilemmas faced by Sandwiched Boomers. With the Academy Awards season right around the corner, the buzz is out about "The Savages," a film looking at Sandwich Generation reactions to an estranged, aging father. Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman play siblings, Wendy and Jon Savage, who can be described as Open Face Sandwiches – suddenly thrust into caring for their abusive father while they deal with on-going crises in their personal and work lives. How they respond, and what they learn about themselves in the process, mirrors the situation for many Baby Boomers.


If, like the Savages, you are propelled into caring for a difficult parent, undoubtedly you will sacrifice many things – time, sleep, emotional stability, money, energy, days at work, dreams of your own. Because of these extreme pressures, family caretakers report having some kind of chronic condition at more than twice the rate of non-caregivers and research suggests that this additional stress can shorten lifespan by up to 10 years.


So what can you do? Stay tuned in for seven tips to reduce your stress and help you get through the holiday season when your parents golden years are tarnished.