Teaching Our Teens about Celebrity Substance Abuse

At the 84th annual Academy Awards last night, Whitney Houston, the female lead in 'The Bodyguard,' was one of Hollywood's beloved who was memorialized.

Whitney Houston was a celebrity with a unique singing style, but for years battled addiction. She died an early death at 48, struggling with self esteem issues and worrying she wasn’t pretty or good enough.

Some of those around Whitney condoned her erratic behavior and basked in her limelight. Maybe they didn't look out for her well being, or just weren't able to save her. Her story reminds us of other celebrities our young people emulate, like Michael Jackson, who experienced the psychological turmoil that can accompany fame.

As a member of the sandwich generation, you may have teens struggling with peer pressure and experimenting with drugs or alcohol. These are challenging times, but there are lots of supportive resources for them to choose from - so talk to your kids. And encourage them to get help, to rely on family and friends who have their back, to develop an exercise program or a spiritual path. And choose from the ideas below as you help them find their way:

Direct them to the help they need now. If their actions involve excessive acting out, frequent conflicts, avoidance or depression, they may be using drugs or alcohol. Encourage them to work with a mental health professional or substance abuse counselor. It's important that they develop positive self-regard, confidence and life skills. The treatment should focus on areas like anger management and stress reduction.

Try to shield them from the negative impact and consequences. Their behavior may stem from an emotional conflict, social problems or a hunger deep inside. Focus on your relationship and build trust so they will feel more accepted, nurtured and confident to take a step on their own behalf. Give them support as they begin to talk about what's going on.

Give yourself an emotional break. As a parent, you may be feeling frustrated, angry, disappointed. Take a deep breath and try to focus. You can change how you feel by reframing pessimistic ideas into neutral ones. Learn about constructive responses to difficult situations and you'll have access to more choices about how to react.

Practice open and honest communication. When you continue to get worried and upset, you're giving your kids the message that you don't trust them. Talk out conflicts and misunderstandings. Use the same conversational etiquette you would with anyone else you care about and respect. Teach them active listening skills and sending I-messages. It is a gift that will last a lifetime.

Log on here Wednesday for more practical tips about helping your kids withstand the inevitable pressures that accompany the teen years.

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Stepping Stones For You

What does "Stepping Stones" mean to you? To some, it brings to mind a path through a garden, to others the actions needed to get from here to there. To us, Stepping Stones represents a journey through both time and space. Stepping Stones is the name of our newsletter, which we offer at no charge each month to those who request a subscription. You can click on the words "Free Newsletter" to the left of this post and be linked to the sign up page or go to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com, and register there.


This month we reach another milestone on our own wild ride with you - the diamond edition of Stepping Stones. That's right, we will be publishing our 75th issue! So all this week here on our blog we'll be highlighting the stories, strategies and support you've found in Stepping Stones over the years. Even if you weren't invited to the Academy Awards last night, come celebrate with us - and don't miss your own chance to receive our newsletters yourself. If you're already receiving a copy in your email box, show a friend how much you care by offering to subscribe her. Sign up now, it's easy. And tune in all week to party with us - don't worry, you can leave your Oscar gown and slippers in the closet.

Making Your Own List

Now that the year is ending and the '00 decade is coming to c close, pundits have been opining about all kinds of topics. You can find a list of the 10 films of 2009 most likely to be nominated for an Academy Award, the 20 most interesting books, or the 50 best songs of the decade. In addition to spending some of your spare time reading through these lists, how about taking some personal time this week to create your own list – of your 10 most important assets?

It may seem unusual for you, a member of the Sandwich Generation, to concentrate on yourself instead of on the needs of your growing children or aging parents. But take a deep breath, put your feet up for a moment and allow yourself to focus on and embrace your own development at this pivotal time.

Creating your asset inventory will give you a leg up on beginning the next decade from a position of power, but how do you begin? To help you, we've created a short list to help you focus on your assets - not the financial ones, which may still be down, but the personal strengths you own. Use this process to discover some of your hidden passions. Reflect on your answers or discuss them with a trusted friend as you create an expanded sense of yourself. Whether or not you're a Sandwiched Boomer, be sure to tune in all week for our tips to get you started.

If you've had trouble in the past taking the first step toward change, click on the post title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com where you'll find Sandwiched Boomers: 7 Tips on Fighting Inertia, with its suggestions for overcoming these hurdles.

Oscar Blues

We end our week at the Oscars considering the men nominated for their supporting actor roles. Their portrayals personify the complexities of vulnerability linked with the strength of truth.

The sad, sad story of Heath Leger's death from an overdose of prescription drugs overshadowed his posthumous Oscar win for his vivid, searing performance as The Joker in Batman: The Dark Knight. It is ironic that Robert Downey Jr. shared the same Academy Awards category with Heath Leger. Downey spent years in the haze of drugs before he was able to free himself from his dysfunctional lifestyle and face the truth of his addictions. His role in Tropic Thunder, like others in this category, highlights the tension between falsehood and reality.

While you may be in doubt about whether the priest Philip Seymour Hoffman portrayed is sexually drawn to young boys, there is no denying he personifies the multi-faceted layers of denial and truth competing within him.

Michael Stanton, the fragile mental patient on furlough in Revolutionary Road, exposes in raw emotion the bitter truth behind the facades of the 1950's. He finds an outlet for his anger in the young couple hiding from their own honest recognition in the lies they tell each other and themselves.

Josh Brolin, playing Dan White, the assassin of Harvey Milk, represents a chilling final outcome when emotional instability explodes. Depressed over his inability to regain his job, White's later 'Twinkie defense' stands as a false explanation of his behavior.

So what about you? Our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com provides some tips for you, Sandwiched Boomer or not, if you are faced with the difficulty of maintaining an upbeat outlook on life. Click on the title above to take you to our article, 6 Ways to Beat the Blues.

Stress and the Oscars

Can you imagine the stresses facing the nominees on the night of the Oscars? Having to smile and look happy as someone else's name is called out - or having to compose yourself and give a "good" acceptance speech if it is yours? And all in very high heels and a dress that is too tight!

For those women chosen as nominees in the supporting actress category this year, coping with the Oscar jitters was a little easier since their film characters had been women under extreme stress themselves.

Academy Award winner Penelope Cruz portrays the emotionally and physically volatile Maria Elena in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. An artist in her own right, Maria Elena is not able to manage the stresses in her life alone or her tempestuous relationship with her ex-husband. Although she is able to temporarily deal with her demons through her relationship with Cristina, when that ends she again reverts to her prior explosive behavior.

Amy Adams' and Viola Davis' characters are dealing with the heavy stresses created as a result of the relentless campaign by Meryl Streep as Sister Aloysius in Doubt. Amy Adams' doubts and concerns that by accusing the priest wrongly she is abandoning her religious responsibilities hit her hard spiritually. Viola Davis is filled with pain and desperation as she tries to protect her homosexual son from societal intolerance and physical abuse by her husband. The strain she projects is palpable.

Playing the adoptive mother of Brad Pitt, Taraji P. Henson drew on some of her own motherly instincts, developed as she cares for her own son, Marcel. She has felt the stress of balancing mothering and her career and she brings this insight into her role in The Curious Care of Benjamin Button. Even with the heavy pressures of raising an aged infant, she exudes love and tries to protect him as he grows younger every day.

As a single mother making her living as a stripper and pole dancer in The Wrestler, Marissa Tomei has attempted to steer away from any romantic relationships. Once she begins to open up to the possibility of having one with Mickey Rourke and is turned down, the strains of her vulnerability and loneliness are exposed.

As a Sandwiched Boomer, you may not live in any of the dramatic situations above but when you are looking for balance and some self-nurturing while caring for growing children and aging parents, your stresses are just as great. For some tips on how to reduce the tesions in your life, click on the title above to take you to our website and our article, 7 Stops on the Less Stress Express.

Being Authentic

At the Academy Awards, the roles of the men chosen as nominees in the category of leading actor reveal examples that can also guide women, be they Sandwiched Boomers or not. Here are some ideals they embody.

Be proud of who you are. Portraying assassinated San Francisco supervisor, Harvey Milk, Oscar winner Sean Penn immerses himself in the vibrant personality of the first openly gay politician elected to public office. He reminds us to embrace ourselves, no matter what others think and whatever the consequences.

Keep on trying. In The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke personifies, in agonizing reality, the complexities of making a comeback, in love and in work. Throughout the missteps in his personal relationships and victories in the ring, his sense of decency doesn't waver. You root for both Randy 'The Ram' and Mickey himself, telling them, "hang in there, it's never too late."

Conduct yourself honorably. Playing disgraced President Richard Nixon, Frank Langella personifies the arrogance of power. The viewer feels no moral ambiguity as Nixon, after Frost's questioning, falls apart and declares, "When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal." Vow not to let yourself make that kind of ethical compromise in your behavior.

Be open to love. As Brad Pitt ages backwards, the two stable women in his life are his friend and true love, Daisy, and his adoptive mother, Queenie. Both women, and the relationships he shares with them, exemplify the timelessness of love. Rely on the support of dear friends and family to strengthen you though times "curious" and difficult.

Develop your friendships. In The Visitor, Richard Jenkins gradually lets others into his life and, in the process, expands his world. His new friends lead to his awakening - sensually, morally, musically, sexually - and free him from his cloistered existence. Enrich your own experiences through the gifts of friendship.

Click on the title above to follow the link to www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article Top Ten Self-fullness Tips for Sandwiched Women. There you will find tips to aid Sandwiched Boomers live an authentic life.

Life Lessons in Unusual Places

Amidst the yards of fabric and glitter of jewels, we continue our search for role models at the Academy Awards. What life lessons can Sandwiched Boomers take from the Oscar extravaganza? Today we look at the leading actress category for some tips.

You don't have to be perfect. One of the changes in the presentations this year was to have past winners of the major acting awards single out each nominee and acknowledge her unique performance. After years of hearing, "it's just an honor to be nominated," the Academy finally got it right. You don't have to be the number one person to be pleased with your behavior and to consider yourself a success. You can feel good about your accomplishments even if you are not ultimately rewarded by being chosen the one and only best.

Don't be afraid to admit your shortcomings. Kate Winslet won the best actress award for portraying a woman whose behavior led to horrific consequences because she refused to disclose her illiteracy. Recognize that others will be more accepting of your imperfections than you think if you trust them. At the same time, as in The Reader, be aware that unintended outcomes may have the same effect as planed ones.

Trust yourself. The leading actress nominees portrayed strong women who continued to stand up for what they believed in, even when others did not. Angelina Jolie, faced with every mother's nightmare, tirelessly worked to find her son and then to bring to justice those responsible for his death and cover-up. Meryl Streep played a nun who, even with some doubts and changing times, pursued her plans for what she thought was right for the students in her school. Melissa Leo did what she could to protect her children, even though it meant taking chances with her own future. And Anne Hathaway's character fought to retain her newly growing strength as her family dynamics assaulted her fragile personality. So, hang in there as you too follow your own reality.

For a chance to consider athletes as role models, click on the title above to take you to our website and our article, Lessons the Olympics Can Teach Boomers.

The Academy Awards and Sandwiched Boomers

The 81st Academy Awards presented last night might seem to be an unlikely place for Sandwiched Boomers to look for role models. After all, the red carpet doesn't exactly represent the clothes and shoes in our closets or the figures reflected back to us in our mirrors each morning. So what lessons can we take from the Oscars? Instead of focusing on the fashions, this week we'll take a look at the winners and the examples they provide.

Work around obstacles placed in your path. Well-known now is the saga of Slumdog Millionaire, which almost didn't make it to the wide screens. The determination of director Danny Boyle and others connected with the film to find funding and a distributor after they lost their original backing led to the Oscar for best picture rather than directly to a place at the bottom of your queue at Netflix.

Have a Plan B ready. What do you do when your original plans don't work out? Give up in despair or brainstorm other means of getting to your goal? When you resolve to apply your energy and skills to get what you want, you will find that often the path of your Plan B ends at the same target you had in your sights. So when things don't seem to be going your way, hang in there and give it another try. You may not become a millionaire, but you can become a winner in life.

Look at life as a series of opportunities. Even host Hugh Jackman can teach us something about taking risks and going all out for something we believe in. As he revealed to Barbara Walters in his interview, he chose to define his pre-Oscar feelings as excitement not nervousness.

To learn more about how you can move away from pessimism and instead build an optimistic outlook, click on the title above. It will take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and our article entitled, How Boomers Can Sing Rock & Roll Instead of the Blues. And tune in tomorrow for more tips on how to develop your own strength and resiliency.

At this time of year, the holidays with their comforting repeated rituals can be bittersweet when our loved ones are not with us to share them. It is even more poignant when aging parents are there physically but not mentally. They may not remember the joy of holidays spent together in the past nor recognize the new members who have joined the family circle. As a Sandwiched Boomer, you may be facing these kinds of holiday celebrations with apprehension.


No doubt, your parents had looked forward their sixties, seventies and eighties as golden years, with the chance to enjoy the fruits of their labors. But what happens when those days become tarnished gold? What if nothing you or your parents do can restore the shine you all were expecting? This is what faces Sandwiched Boomers each year when their parents are diagnosed with Alzheimer's, senile dementia or stroke.


Today, dementia of some kind has affected 14% of Americans over the age of 71 and the incidence is rising. Caring for these seniors generally falls to their Baby Boomer children; studies indicate that one in four families now take care of an elderly parent. Often the caretakers are women. According to a recent AARP study, 8.7 million American women aged 45 and older are caring for both aging parents and growing children. How they, and their brothers in some cases, cope with these demands is of increasing concern.

Now even Hollywood has begun to look at the dilemmas faced by Sandwiched Boomers. With the Academy Awards season right around the corner, the buzz is out about "The Savages," a film looking at Sandwich Generation reactions to an estranged, aging father. Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman play siblings, Wendy and Jon Savage, who can be described as Open Face Sandwiches – suddenly thrust into caring for their abusive father while they deal with on-going crises in their personal and work lives. How they respond, and what they learn about themselves in the process, mirrors the situation for many Baby Boomers.


If, like the Savages, you are propelled into caring for a difficult parent, undoubtedly you will sacrifice many things – time, sleep, emotional stability, money, energy, days at work, dreams of your own. Because of these extreme pressures, family caretakers report having some kind of chronic condition at more than twice the rate of non-caregivers and research suggests that this additional stress can shorten lifespan by up to 10 years.


So what can you do? Stay tuned in for seven tips to reduce your stress and help you get through the holiday season when your parents golden years are tarnished.