Tweens and Social Media

Now that Facebook has finally gone public and lawsuits have been launched about the process, will the media frenzy about it subside? Attention is already being paid to other social media sites – including those aimed at kids, tweens and teens. With summer beginning and school out in the next couple of weeks, soon your kids will be having more time on their hands. Are you concerned about how they may be spending it?

Parents try to keep an eye on how and where their children are on the Internet, but the kids seem to be one step – or click – ahead in their search for freedom. And they're beginning younger and younger. While most don't have their own mobile phones until they're teens, 15% of children under 11 now have them. Although the age limit on Facebook is 13, many tweens have their own pages there. Kids are using Viddy, a video-sharing app, on their pages and they've learned to use sites such as Instagram, a photo-sharing app, to text each other.

As a parent, you want to protect your children from online predators, bullies, inappropriate advertising or their own naïve sharing of personal information. At the same time you recognize that the Internet is a part of their social and academic experience and you want them to learn how to use it responsibly. Now there are educators attempting to do just that. Playground is being developed by the Annenberg Innovation Lab at the University of Southern California to teach kids about Internet responsibility and privacy in addition to how to create content.

We've blogged here before about on-line safety and supervision – you can check out some of our tips for talking with your kids about the Internet. Of course you'll want to do your own homework before you decide which websites you'll allow your kids to use, if any. The American Academy of Pediatrics gives some suggestions for talking with them about time limits, your expectations for their behavior and rules they need to follow.   

If you want to get a jump on the process, here's a look at some of the virtual sites where your tweens may say they want to hang out this summer:

On the social media site KidzVuz, kids are encouraged to make and share their own videos -reviewing books and movies as well as food and clothes. They can't conduct private messaging and there is careful monitoring of comments to keep them in the protective guidelines.

Everloop is a social media site just for tweens where they can design their own pages, join groups that interest them, chat and play games. There are safety controls built in and bullying or bad language is not allowed by the monitors.

Tween girls who are interested in fashion may spend time on FashionPlayte. They can design and then order these clothes for themselves or their dolls on the site.  

Disney owned, established-site Club Penguin has activities and games for younger children to play as well as the opportunity to connect and chat with each other. With its embedded safety controls, it doesn't allow them to share personal information or treat each other with disrespect.

Now that you have some more ideas about what's happening on-line for your tweens, you can get back to planning how to get them away from the computer and outdoors this summer.

Teen Daughters and Conversion Disorders

Are your daughters feeling the pressures of adolescence? Parents at Le Roy Junior-Senior High School in upstate New York are still concerned, months later, as their teens continue to experience verbal outbursts, involuntary movements and tics. Although Sigmund Freud first described this combination of symptoms as Mass Hysteria, the difficult to diagnose condition is now known as Conversion Disorder.

It’s a rare condition with both psychological and neurological factors. These young women are left frustrated, behind in school and socially isolated. Not able to live a normal life, families want answers for these psychologically triggered yet real sensory and motor symptoms.

After an investigation and a battery of health, soil and environmental tests, the Le Roy administration and state health officials report no known environmental or infectious cause. Some speculate that, in essence, the brain makes the body sick. And there may be a combination of underlying causes: a history of trauma or abuse, pre-existing anxiety or stress, a personality that is highly suggestible.

In this situation, a high school cheerleader woke up from a nap one day with uncontrollable tics and stuttering. Known as the bellwether, a key group member can exhibit behavior that deviates from the norm, and then others develop similar symptoms. It’s not unlike other adolescent reactions, even bullying or suicide. The group's social status and close proximity, as well as the teenager’s need for acceptance and belonging, may foster unusual and dangerous conformity.

If you’re parenting teens, you’re probably not dealing with something as serious as conversion disorder. But adolescence is a developmental phase that’s full of potential pitfalls and no one gets through unscathed. Increased awareness and support can help your kids - these practical insights may be a good place to start:

Remember what it was like for you growing up. What did you do to bond with and feel accepted by the group? And how did you respond to peer pressure? Share your experiences with your kids and give them emotional support as they learn to manage their teen relationships.

Don't hide your concern. You really can't anyway. Your growing kids pick up signals from you even when you think you're protecting them. At the same time, don't burden them with pressures beyond their ability to handle them.

Keep the lines of communication open. Discuss what they're worried about, as you come face to face with your own fears. The more you are able to discuss the strains affecting all of you, the better you can begin to cope with them.

More about Teens and Substance Abuse

Whitney Houston’s daughter Bobbi Kristina is left to face the world without her mother’s guidance. Apparently she has also struggled with substance abuse and family close to her are worried about her. If you're having a hard time coping, find the tools that can make a difference in your life. And trust yourself as you look inside for understanding and answers to your problems.

Honor your body. Notice what makes you feel better. Pay attention to your exercise routine, what you eat, your sleeping habits and what gives you pleasure. Reduce the situations that cause stress and increase the ones that make you feel healthier and more alive. Spend time relaxing and rejuvenating as you counteract burnout. Attend to your mind and your spirit - set aside quiet time to practice your own form of meditation.

Implement what you know about resiliency. Recognize how your character strengths support what you do. Integrate your values and ideals into how you view the world. Knowledge is power, so use it to your advantage. Gather information about ways to deal with how you are feeling - explore Internet search engines or the self-help section of bookstores. Release tension through laughter and watch yourself begin to bounce back.

Find perspective. Whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, adjusting to changes in your identity or making a slow transition into the next chapter of your life, expect a cascade of feelings - anxiety, the desire to hold on, resentment, sadness, fear, eventually a sense of freedom. The emotional roller coaster ride is normal. If you have the fortitude to step back, take a deep breath and face the situation squarely, you can't help but grow from the challenges.

Although addictive tendencies can be inherited, there’s good news. Research indicates that teens with close family ties are less likely to be vulnerable. It turns out that ‘hugs not drugs’ may have a basis in reality. Let’s hope Bobbi Kristina uses the emotional pain as a chance to grow. And that her family continues to give her the support she needs during this painful time.

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Teaching Our Teens about Celebrity Substance Abuse

At the 84th annual Academy Awards last night, Whitney Houston, the female lead in 'The Bodyguard,' was one of Hollywood's beloved who was memorialized.

Whitney Houston was a celebrity with a unique singing style, but for years battled addiction. She died an early death at 48, struggling with self esteem issues and worrying she wasn’t pretty or good enough.

Some of those around Whitney condoned her erratic behavior and basked in her limelight. Maybe they didn't look out for her well being, or just weren't able to save her. Her story reminds us of other celebrities our young people emulate, like Michael Jackson, who experienced the psychological turmoil that can accompany fame.

As a member of the sandwich generation, you may have teens struggling with peer pressure and experimenting with drugs or alcohol. These are challenging times, but there are lots of supportive resources for them to choose from - so talk to your kids. And encourage them to get help, to rely on family and friends who have their back, to develop an exercise program or a spiritual path. And choose from the ideas below as you help them find their way:

Direct them to the help they need now. If their actions involve excessive acting out, frequent conflicts, avoidance or depression, they may be using drugs or alcohol. Encourage them to work with a mental health professional or substance abuse counselor. It's important that they develop positive self-regard, confidence and life skills. The treatment should focus on areas like anger management and stress reduction.

Try to shield them from the negative impact and consequences. Their behavior may stem from an emotional conflict, social problems or a hunger deep inside. Focus on your relationship and build trust so they will feel more accepted, nurtured and confident to take a step on their own behalf. Give them support as they begin to talk about what's going on.

Give yourself an emotional break. As a parent, you may be feeling frustrated, angry, disappointed. Take a deep breath and try to focus. You can change how you feel by reframing pessimistic ideas into neutral ones. Learn about constructive responses to difficult situations and you'll have access to more choices about how to react.

Practice open and honest communication. When you continue to get worried and upset, you're giving your kids the message that you don't trust them. Talk out conflicts and misunderstandings. Use the same conversational etiquette you would with anyone else you care about and respect. Teach them active listening skills and sending I-messages. It is a gift that will last a lifetime.

Log on here Wednesday for more practical tips about helping your kids withstand the inevitable pressures that accompany the teen years.

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Sandwiched Boomers and the Gift of Time

As a Sandwiched Boomer caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, perhaps you're feeling under more pressure this week. The days are flying by and there's still so much to do for the holidays. And you may not be finished shopping for your Hanukah, Christmas or Kwanzaa presents. How about a few more ideas that won't break the bank?

Photo by Brainedge - Flickr.com

Give of yourself. Enjoy time with your friends by inviting them over for an evening of fun. Organize a potluck and have them bring their signature dish. Cut down on expenses by exchanging memories instead of presents. Or express yourself and create some of your holiday gift items. Make a coupon book filled with orders for good deeds. Add a personal touch by baking and decorating cookies with the kids. Show others you care with an IOU to babysit so they can have a much needed night out.

Give to yourself. Take some down time over the holidays and get comfortable with you. For a couple of hours each day, try not to focus on your problems. Curl up with a great book from the library, watch the ballgame with your teens or take your grandkids to the park. Enjoy peace of mind by paying down your debts. Hold back from buying lots of gifts or taking the family on an expensive outing. Decide together how to spend a fun and relaxing day. Your family will understand and grow from the experience.

The holidays don't always have to look like a Norman Rockwell painting.

You create more stress if you stick only to old routines and traditions. Try not to operate on automatic pilot. Begin to lay the groundwork for change in your gift giving rituals. As you can see, it doesn't have to cost you anything but time. And when money is tight and life is challenging, connection and support can mean the most.

It will be a gift to yourself when you recreate the joy of simpler days. Small changes can represent a new beginning. Take heart as you give a little that feels like a lot. And in these hard times, that's a good lesson for all of us.

Anthony Weiner and Parenting in the Digital Age

Although Anthony Weiner stated that the women he corresponded with on Facebook and Twitter were all over the age of consent, recently more compromising photos have emerged and information has come out about a 'friend'/'follower' who is in high school. Although he may not have sent her any lewd photos or messages, this highlights the dilemma for parents of teens - how much to monitor your kids' online experience. On the one hand, you want to protect them from danger before it becomes inevitable, on the other, you want to allow them to develop their own autonomy.

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

With Facebook, twitter and other social media being such a large part of the connections in young people's experience today, parents need to set standards for their teens about how to use these interactive technologies. In a blog post this spring, we talked about the risks stemming from teen's sexting and what parents could do to help their kids protect themselves.

In that post, we pointed out the importance of being concrete with teens about the potential consequences of all risky behaviors - especially because of the slow development in their brain lobes responsible for functions such as good judgment. Sexting in particular can be an impulsive and dangerous activity and it may be impossible to completely erase a post from the Internet. Representative Weiner found this out when he attempted to delete his message after realizing that it was sent to everyone following him, not just the intended recipient.

Weiner has decided that, due to his inappropriate behavior, he requires a "course of treatment to make himself well." It's unclear what his treatment will address but for teens, with peer pressure being such a strong influence, parents can work toward helping their kids increase feelings of self-esteem and develop a respect for their own worth.

As a parent, the goal is to be present in your children's lives without overwhelming them with your input - it's a fine line. Just as you recognize their need for independence, you're also aware of the value of supervision at this stage of their development. You'll find more parenting tips for raising children in the digital age on the website of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

And lets hope that soon this poor example of role modeling by a public official moves off the front page so we can get back to talking with our teens about getting summer jobs rather than about lying and sexting.

Talking to Your Kids About Anthony Weiner's Lies

The recent media frenzy about the behavior of Representative Anthony Weiner highlights the dangers of two activities - sexting and lying - and provides a clear teachable moment to use with our teens. We would hope to have good role models for the actions we want to encourage but given the dramatic effects of the inappropriate messages and photos Weiner sent and the devastating results of his untruthful words, we can talk to our kids about the serious consequences of making bad decisions.

Weiner is under fire by his own party for his behavior, particularly for lying to the press, his staff, constituents, colleagues, friends and family about his participation in the sexting incidents. As parents, we know that young children lie - generally about once every two hours - sometimes to get something they want or to gain attention but usually to avoid getting in trouble and being punished. Often the lines between make-believe and reality become blurred.

But when do youngsters' little 'white lies' become teenagers' big destructive whoppers? And how do those teens behave as adults out in the world? The case of Congressman Weiner provides an unambiguous example of the slippery slope of lying. As Sir Walter Scott wrote two hundred years ago, "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." Once you have begun to create a falsification, it's hard to extricate yourself.

According to the Josephson Institute of Ethics, more than one in five teens reveal instances of lying, cheating or stealing in the past year, with 80% saying they have lied to their parents about something significant. Teens are five times more likely than those over 50 to believe it is necessary to lie and cheat in order to succeed. As they move out into the world at large, these same young adults are two to three times more likely to misrepresent themselves in a job interview, lie to a significant other, keep money mistakenly given to them.

Why do children resort to these kinds of misdeeds? There are many possible reasons. Ethical standards may be seen as flexible guidelines, not rules. Poor role models abound in society, entertainment, political and sports worlds. Kids face high expectations and the pressure to succeed coming from parents and schools. There has been a normalization of certain illegal activities on the Internet - plagiarism of papers and reports, downloading pirated music and videos. And some baby boomer parents have transferred their signature emphasis on "me and my needs" to their offspring.

So what's a parent to do?

Be the role model you want you kids to emulate. And find other good examples of adults behaving well. They can help you reinforce the examples of integrity, authenticity, good citizenship that you want to encourage. Our boys looked up to John Wooden as they were growing up - you can find others in your own community.

As in other aspects of parenting, keeping lines of communication open is a good start. When your children are young, encourage and praise their honesty and let them know clearly what is unacceptable. As they mature, continue the dialogue about the real consequences of their behaviors, including lying. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a white paper with tips for improving communication with your teen.

Help your teens focus on learning for it's own sake without obsessing about tests and grades. Let them know that they don't have to be perfect to be competitive. When self-esteem is low, cheating and lying increase, so check out some tips from the American Psychological Association to facilitate building their self-confidence, resilience and self-respect.

As a member of Congress, Anthony Weiner's good judgment is also being questioned in terms of his use of social media as an outlet for his sexual proclivities. We'll talk more about that and how it affects your teens on Wednesday.

Dangers for Teens on the Internet

With the release of David Schwimmer's new movie, Trust, parents are once more put on notice about the importance of educating their kids about the dangers of Internet sex predators. Schwimmer directed and produced the movie about what happens when a 14 year-old girl begins communicating with a stranger in an online chat room. The entire family feels the damaging effects of the girl's victimization by an adult male posing as a teenage boy.

Photo by Keerati

Facebook and other social media, chat rooms and smart phones are a big part of young people's lives today. These interactive technologies give them a chance to stay connected with friends but also open them up to risks from the adult world. According to a survey conducted by the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center, three-quarters of Net-initiated sexual exploitation victims were girls, aged 13 to 15. And three-quarters of the offenders were age 26 or older. Chat rooms were the most likely places for the relationships to start, with three-quarters of them beginning there. Most of the couples progressed to face-to-face sexual encounters with 93%of these involving illegal sex.

Many parents have also been concerned by the sexting that goes on among many high school students. Several states have proposed laws that are aimed at limiting this behavior by treating it as child pornography.

About the reaction to his film, Schwimmer has said he hopes "that viewers leave wanting to engage in more dialogue about Parenting in the Age of Technology." Have you begun a dialogue in your family about the net with your children or grandchildren? Here are some areas you may want to discuss:

Address the consequences of behavior early on so it's a topic they've heard before. Teens are often naïve about the long-term results of their actions. The sections of their brains responsible for good judgment have not matured enough for them to avoid dangerous situations. You'll need to spell out the possible outcomes to activities that seem innocuous but may be risky.

Talk specifically about the potentially serious end result of sexting. Teens are often impulsive and caught up in the excitement of acting on a dare without considering the consequences. While they are not able to process the potentially negative end point, it's up to you to remind them that once they've put something out on the Internet, they can't erase it, no matter how many times they hit the 'delete' button. The American Academy of Pediatrics offers some suggestions for helping you speak about the problem of sexting with your kids.

Discuss the importance of privacy and self-respect. Peer pressure is an especially strong force at this developmental stage but give your teens the tools to avoid going along with the gang when they feel uncomfortable. Reinforce the value of their opinions as they make decisions that are appropriate for their safety.

Have regular family meetings to keep your communication open and honest. As a parent, be present in your children's lives without overwhelming them with your input. Encourage them to share their concerns with you and listen without being judgmental. You'll all need to practice cooperation and compromise as you come up with solutions that take everyone's needs into account.

Walk the fine line between knowing when to let go and when to keep an eye on your teen. Give your teens the freedom they crave within the confines of your supervision. If you believe their health and safety is being threatened, you may need to draw on 'tough love' and shut down your kid's Internet access.

As a parent, when you monitor your teenager's online usage, you'll be aware of potential threats before they get out of control. Even if your teen is in a chat room with someone she knows, it may lead to sexual exploitation since Net-initiated sex crimes are actually more common among acquaintances than strangers. The American Academy of Pediatrics has just released a new report about the impact of social media on kids. You'll find more useful information and parenting tips on their website to help with your important role of raising children in the digital age.