Pledge to End Bullying Now

The emotionally charged issue of childhood bullying is back in the forefront of public attention after the opening of the documentary, Bully, earlier this month. According to the Department for Health and Human Services, between1/5 and 1/3 of teens report being bullied within any given year. While kids may often be aggressive to one another, to qualify as bullying, this behavior requires specific qualities: it is repetitive and uses an imbalance of power with intent to cause harm.

Some parents of children being bullied may feel powerless to stop the harassment and protect their children, despite their best efforts. After the suicide of their 11-year old son, Kirk and Laura Smalley were able to move beyond their deep pain and create something positive honoring Ty’s memory. They began lecturing about the problem and created a website, Stand for the Silent. It encourages others to get involved and prevent further persecutions by being supportive of the intimidated kids, empowering youth to create cultures of kindness and stand up to bullying.

Parents can help promote upstander – rather than bystander – behavior in their own children by role modeling empathic behavior toward others. Here are some steps you can take to help create a safe environment, a Just and Caring Community, for all kids:

Talk openly. And often. Use the good communication techniques you’ve learned over the years – using active listening, sending i-messages, attending to non-verbal signals, keeping your emotions in check. Encouraging honest conversations with your children teaches them to trust themselves in expressing their thoughts and feelings to others. 

Show kindness and empathy. Nurture positive relationships around you and express your gratitude for them. Lead in helping your child find healthy, non-abusive ways to resolve conflicts. Reinforce the family rules, including those that don’t tolerate behavior that is harmful to another.

Respect diversity. Broaden your own circle to include more of the rich cultural tapestry of your community. Encourage your children to accept and learn about others who are different from them.

Care for others. Reach out to help and support those who need comfort. Give back as you build an atmosphere of responsibility and compassion in your home that can extend into your child’s world at school and beyond.

Act to protect those in danger. Get involved yourself in causes you believe in and let your children know that actions can generate effective outcomes. Reinforce your teen’s commitment to create a safe school environment and take actions to defend a victim of bullying.

Bully has now been viewed by thousands of children and families across the country. The film may be uncomfortable to watch but the experience powerfully challenges all of us to work together to stop bullying.

Bully

When the documentary Bully opened this month in theaters all over the U. S., it revived the national dialogue about childhood bullying. The film follows three students and their families over the course of one school year and two families whose children took their own lives in desperation. The filmmakers have created TheBullyProject website which provides resources and motivates us all – parents, children, families, educators – to act towards eliminating bullying.

Bullying is pervasive in our society today – research indicates that one in three children have been involved in an incident, either as perpetrator or victim. It’s been estimated that 13 million children in the U.S. are bullied each year, with 3 million being absent from school each month because they feel threatened there. Children with special needs are especially vulnerable – they’re 60% more likely to be attacked by bullies. If your child or someone you know is being tormented, you can reach the bullying helpline, 24/7, at 1-855-201-2121 for help and support.

Here are some actions you can take as a parent if you fear your child is being bullied:

Prepare yourself. Slow down and be ready to have a private conversation when you don’t have any major distractions. Sometimes a familiar setting can include a minor diversion to help your child become more comfortable sharing – in your car, when you’re playing catch, working on a puzzle, completing a chore together.

Talk with your child. Create an atmosphere of trust by using your active listening skills. When you’re speaking, ask open-ended questions in a non-judgmental, non-threatening way. Don’t interrupt his responses. Try to keep your emotions in check and be clear in the message you are conveying. Be available and let your child know that his feelings and thoughts are important to you.

Pay attention to non-verbal communication. It may be difficult for your youngster to open up and verbalize facts and feelings so notice her body language. And express your own support with physical closeness and comforting hugs as well as your words. You may not learn all the facts at one time so be patient and come back to the issues later.

Be positive. Let your child know that you are on his side, it’s not his fault and he doesn’t deserve to be bullied. Role model your own constructive behavior and good communication skills at home. Arrange for her to spend time with friends in a safe environment outside of school so that she can develop personal strengths. Discourage them from bullying others in response.

Contact your child’s school. Once you have a clear understanding of what’s been going on, write it down so that you have a straightforward narrative about the problem. Identify the appropriate people in your child’s school to contact and communicate your concerns to them. If your school has an anti-bullying policy in place, follow the procedures outlined there. The administrators have a responsibility to eliminate harassment, protect your child from harm and create a positive environment for learning.

On Wednesday, we’ll continue the discussion of bullying and give you some suggestions for preventing your own children from harassing others and for encouraging them to stick up for a threatened friend.

Humor Wins the Day

Do you sometimes feel like the proverbial tree falling in the forest? When your teens don't seem to hear you speak, you may wonder if you're actually making a sound. If you're frustrated - like this mother - by your attempts to communicate with your kids, maybe it's time to try some humor.

It's not easy being a parent today. There's a fine line between protecting our children from very real dangers facing them - drugs, bullying, sexting, online predators - and overly controlling them through helicopter parenting.

When you set clear boundaries and expectations about issues you consider non-negotiable, like their safety, you can work with your teens to get their cooperation on others without resorting to these kinds of threats. Inject some humor into your conversations and see if you can recover some of those good feelings and belly laughs from the past.

Anthony Weiner and Parenting in the Digital Age

Although Anthony Weiner stated that the women he corresponded with on Facebook and Twitter were all over the age of consent, recently more compromising photos have emerged and information has come out about a 'friend'/'follower' who is in high school. Although he may not have sent her any lewd photos or messages, this highlights the dilemma for parents of teens - how much to monitor your kids' online experience. On the one hand, you want to protect them from danger before it becomes inevitable, on the other, you want to allow them to develop their own autonomy.

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

With Facebook, twitter and other social media being such a large part of the connections in young people's experience today, parents need to set standards for their teens about how to use these interactive technologies. In a blog post this spring, we talked about the risks stemming from teen's sexting and what parents could do to help their kids protect themselves.

In that post, we pointed out the importance of being concrete with teens about the potential consequences of all risky behaviors - especially because of the slow development in their brain lobes responsible for functions such as good judgment. Sexting in particular can be an impulsive and dangerous activity and it may be impossible to completely erase a post from the Internet. Representative Weiner found this out when he attempted to delete his message after realizing that it was sent to everyone following him, not just the intended recipient.

Weiner has decided that, due to his inappropriate behavior, he requires a "course of treatment to make himself well." It's unclear what his treatment will address but for teens, with peer pressure being such a strong influence, parents can work toward helping their kids increase feelings of self-esteem and develop a respect for their own worth.

As a parent, the goal is to be present in your children's lives without overwhelming them with your input - it's a fine line. Just as you recognize their need for independence, you're also aware of the value of supervision at this stage of their development. You'll find more parenting tips for raising children in the digital age on the website of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

And lets hope that soon this poor example of role modeling by a public official moves off the front page so we can get back to talking with our teens about getting summer jobs rather than about lying and sexting.

Talking to Your Kids About Anthony Weiner's Lies

The recent media frenzy about the behavior of Representative Anthony Weiner highlights the dangers of two activities - sexting and lying - and provides a clear teachable moment to use with our teens. We would hope to have good role models for the actions we want to encourage but given the dramatic effects of the inappropriate messages and photos Weiner sent and the devastating results of his untruthful words, we can talk to our kids about the serious consequences of making bad decisions.

Weiner is under fire by his own party for his behavior, particularly for lying to the press, his staff, constituents, colleagues, friends and family about his participation in the sexting incidents. As parents, we know that young children lie - generally about once every two hours - sometimes to get something they want or to gain attention but usually to avoid getting in trouble and being punished. Often the lines between make-believe and reality become blurred.

But when do youngsters' little 'white lies' become teenagers' big destructive whoppers? And how do those teens behave as adults out in the world? The case of Congressman Weiner provides an unambiguous example of the slippery slope of lying. As Sir Walter Scott wrote two hundred years ago, "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." Once you have begun to create a falsification, it's hard to extricate yourself.

According to the Josephson Institute of Ethics, more than one in five teens reveal instances of lying, cheating or stealing in the past year, with 80% saying they have lied to their parents about something significant. Teens are five times more likely than those over 50 to believe it is necessary to lie and cheat in order to succeed. As they move out into the world at large, these same young adults are two to three times more likely to misrepresent themselves in a job interview, lie to a significant other, keep money mistakenly given to them.

Why do children resort to these kinds of misdeeds? There are many possible reasons. Ethical standards may be seen as flexible guidelines, not rules. Poor role models abound in society, entertainment, political and sports worlds. Kids face high expectations and the pressure to succeed coming from parents and schools. There has been a normalization of certain illegal activities on the Internet - plagiarism of papers and reports, downloading pirated music and videos. And some baby boomer parents have transferred their signature emphasis on "me and my needs" to their offspring.

So what's a parent to do?

Be the role model you want you kids to emulate. And find other good examples of adults behaving well. They can help you reinforce the examples of integrity, authenticity, good citizenship that you want to encourage. Our boys looked up to John Wooden as they were growing up - you can find others in your own community.

As in other aspects of parenting, keeping lines of communication open is a good start. When your children are young, encourage and praise their honesty and let them know clearly what is unacceptable. As they mature, continue the dialogue about the real consequences of their behaviors, including lying. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a white paper with tips for improving communication with your teen.

Help your teens focus on learning for it's own sake without obsessing about tests and grades. Let them know that they don't have to be perfect to be competitive. When self-esteem is low, cheating and lying increase, so check out some tips from the American Psychological Association to facilitate building their self-confidence, resilience and self-respect.

As a member of Congress, Anthony Weiner's good judgment is also being questioned in terms of his use of social media as an outlet for his sexual proclivities. We'll talk more about that and how it affects your teens on Wednesday.

Dangers for Teens on the Internet

With the release of David Schwimmer's new movie, Trust, parents are once more put on notice about the importance of educating their kids about the dangers of Internet sex predators. Schwimmer directed and produced the movie about what happens when a 14 year-old girl begins communicating with a stranger in an online chat room. The entire family feels the damaging effects of the girl's victimization by an adult male posing as a teenage boy.

Photo by Keerati

Facebook and other social media, chat rooms and smart phones are a big part of young people's lives today. These interactive technologies give them a chance to stay connected with friends but also open them up to risks from the adult world. According to a survey conducted by the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center, three-quarters of Net-initiated sexual exploitation victims were girls, aged 13 to 15. And three-quarters of the offenders were age 26 or older. Chat rooms were the most likely places for the relationships to start, with three-quarters of them beginning there. Most of the couples progressed to face-to-face sexual encounters with 93%of these involving illegal sex.

Many parents have also been concerned by the sexting that goes on among many high school students. Several states have proposed laws that are aimed at limiting this behavior by treating it as child pornography.

About the reaction to his film, Schwimmer has said he hopes "that viewers leave wanting to engage in more dialogue about Parenting in the Age of Technology." Have you begun a dialogue in your family about the net with your children or grandchildren? Here are some areas you may want to discuss:

Address the consequences of behavior early on so it's a topic they've heard before. Teens are often naïve about the long-term results of their actions. The sections of their brains responsible for good judgment have not matured enough for them to avoid dangerous situations. You'll need to spell out the possible outcomes to activities that seem innocuous but may be risky.

Talk specifically about the potentially serious end result of sexting. Teens are often impulsive and caught up in the excitement of acting on a dare without considering the consequences. While they are not able to process the potentially negative end point, it's up to you to remind them that once they've put something out on the Internet, they can't erase it, no matter how many times they hit the 'delete' button. The American Academy of Pediatrics offers some suggestions for helping you speak about the problem of sexting with your kids.

Discuss the importance of privacy and self-respect. Peer pressure is an especially strong force at this developmental stage but give your teens the tools to avoid going along with the gang when they feel uncomfortable. Reinforce the value of their opinions as they make decisions that are appropriate for their safety.

Have regular family meetings to keep your communication open and honest. As a parent, be present in your children's lives without overwhelming them with your input. Encourage them to share their concerns with you and listen without being judgmental. You'll all need to practice cooperation and compromise as you come up with solutions that take everyone's needs into account.

Walk the fine line between knowing when to let go and when to keep an eye on your teen. Give your teens the freedom they crave within the confines of your supervision. If you believe their health and safety is being threatened, you may need to draw on 'tough love' and shut down your kid's Internet access.

As a parent, when you monitor your teenager's online usage, you'll be aware of potential threats before they get out of control. Even if your teen is in a chat room with someone she knows, it may lead to sexual exploitation since Net-initiated sex crimes are actually more common among acquaintances than strangers. The American Academy of Pediatrics has just released a new report about the impact of social media on kids. You'll find more useful information and parenting tips on their website to help with your important role of raising children in the digital age.

John Wooden and the Perfect Baseball Game

John Wooden was so well known for his leadership role as a basketball coach and player that not everyone knew he had also lettered in varsity baseball his freshman year in college. He later coached baseball and his love of the game continued throughout his life.

With his keen sense of moral principles, Coach Wooden would have been proud of the behavior recently exhibited by the Detroit Tiger's pitcher Armando Galarraga and the umpire, Jim Joyce, who prevented Galarraga from being credited with a perfect game. When umpire Joyce incorrectly called the runner to first base "safe," Galarraga accepted the call stoically, although if correctly called an "out," it would have earned him a rare perfect game in the record books.

When Joyce realized his mistake, he took responsibility for it and immediately went to apologize to Galarraga, who accepted his apology with dignity and grace. The following day, both men treated each other with respect and reflected the high ideals of good sportsmanship.

Columnist Peggy Noonan wrote in the Wall Street Journal about lessons for our children that were abundant in the interchange between Galarraga and Joyce - "that a victim of injustice can react with compassion, and a person who makes a mistake can admit and declare it."

It may not have been an official perfect game, but these two men were the perfect role models for our children about what sports figures can teach our children - and us - about civility, honesty and good behavior.

For stories about other role models for you and your kids, join our free newsletter email list and receive a complimentary copy of Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals. You'll learn about strategies to guide you as you continue you important, and often difficult, job of raising children today.

Raising Children

My daughter sent me this piece by columnist and author, Anna Quindlen. Reading it made me reflect and brought up tons of memories. Want some nostalgia?

"All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like.

Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.Everything in all the parenting books is finished for me now. Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education have all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon, and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages, dust would rise like memories. What those books taught me, and finally what the women on the playground, and the well-meaning relations - well what they taught me was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all.

Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything.

One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome.

To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow.

I remember 15 years ago pouring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the "Remember-When-Mom-Did" Hall of Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language - mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, "What did you get wrong?" (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1.

And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night.

I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top.

And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity.

That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me awhile to figure out who the experts were."