Martin Luther King and Willpower

On Martin Luther King Day, we pay tribute to the civil rights movement and Dr. King’s quest for equality. He had a clear purpose, persevering through hardship and frustration in order to reach his goals. Courage, willpower and tenacity were his strengths, and they can be yours too.


Photo by Caboindex - Flickr.com


You may not be facing the same struggles Dr. King did. But in January we make New Year’s resolutions and try to find the courage to engage our willpower. Who hasn’t, at the beginning of one year or another, put eat less or work out more at the top of their ‘to do’ list?

Willpower is a strength we all have. It’s like a muscle that needs to be exercised. And the more you use it, the stronger it becomes. Here are some ideas about how to build yours:

Find role models. Spend time with friends and family who understand what you need in order to get what you want. Gravitate toward those who are allies and who share your goals. Believe it or not, you can actually ‘catch’ self-control.

Reduce stress. Under pressure you can become irritable, anxious or frustrated. Know your limits, don't take on too much, learn to say no and get enough sleep. If your brain is tired, it has a harder time resisting temptation.

Reframe challenges. Turn the negatives into positives and see them as something you want to, not have to, do. Practice testing yourself first by making small changes. And then reward that, perhaps not with dessert but with a day at the spa or theater with friends.

Studies show that powerful memories and positive thoughts about what you value can enhance willpower. Problems with self-control occur when you’re caught up in the moment and distracted from your goals. You may want to be ready to run that 5K in 2 months but you’re looking at a piece of apple pie now. Thinking about values moves you away from present pleasures toward long term gains.

So start small as you strengthen your mental muscle in your quest for self improvement. Plan to go to the gym one day a week or give up just one food. You’ll find that you increase your self-control. And in the process, like Dr. Martin Luther King, you’ll build character and willpower reserve for the bigger challenges ahead.

Want more information about courage, willpower and reaching your goals? Join the email list to the left of this post - receive our free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones, and download a complimentary eBook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching Your Goals.

And log on here again Wednesday for our Virtual Book Tour featuring Natalie Wexler and her delightful novel, The Mother Daughter Show.

Raising Kids - Little Athletes, Big Leaders

"To score on and off the field, your child must first have clear goals and the will, knowledge, and discipline to attain them," says Bruce Beaton. He's a Canadian Football League All-Star, two-time Grey Cup winner and author of Little Athletes Big Leaders: Effective Sports Parenting.

I love this book, being the grandma of five boys, all involved in one sport or another. I spend a lot of time cheering on the sidelines of baseball diamonds, soccer fields, basketball courts. Trust me, Beaton, with his in-depth and honest approach, has written the go-to guide for parents who want to raise kids to be leaders in youth sports and beyond.

Benton says, "Children generally model what they see, and react less effectively to what they hear, especially when the two contradict. Why not set a goal to teach children by example, and then use your voice to question, guide, and connect?" As a role model for your kids, this may be reinforcing what you already know or a wake-up call.

Beaton warns parents not to be negative with their sports parenting. "Our positive talk will become their positive self-talk, and we will create an enthusiastic athlete who loves the entire learning experience." He encourages parents to notice and comment often on their kids' hard work, team spirit, persistence, winning attitude.

Purposeful daily work is the key to forging strong character. And practice leads to mastery and self confidence. Benton writes, "You can teach them that focusing on a proven, effective approach, rather than dwelling on short term results, is the key to both peak performance and long term success. The expectation is simply for them to do their best every day in order to be the best they are capable of being."

If you're a parent, remember that little eyes are watching and little ears are listening. Your children see potential through your eyes, create connections through your hands and discover opportunity through your choices. You are the filter through which your kids learn how to get along with others and how to make a difference in the world. Help them build their character and skills while they build their goals and dreams. On Bruce's website, you can read more about him, his ideas and his book.

Parents as Positive Role Models

Your children may or may not do as you say, but chances are they'll do as you do. There's no getting around it. You serve as a role model through your attitudes and behavior inside and outside the family. Just remember, someone impressionable is watching, listening and learning from your example.

Should you be flawless? Of course not. But show them your best self. You can use these practical tips as you teach your kids how to:

Solve problems. Children need to know how and why you make the choices that you do. They learn what you value every time you make the extra effort. Your decisions don’t only impact you, so talk to them when you consider your parents' needs before your own, put money in their college fund, help out in the homeless shelter.

Care for themselves. What are some of your lifestyle choices for sleep, nutrition, fun? The habits you set for health, diet, exercise, smoking or drinking are regularly passed on. And your attitudes and interests will shape your kids' experiences for years to come. You've heard it before, that 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.'

Show respect. Do you sometimes take your partner for granted or step over co-workers in order to get ahead? Try to take the moral high ground by practicing how to apologize, forgive and express gratitude. When you model ethical decision-making and follow it up with appropriate behavior, you enhance your children's understanding of how they can feel good about themselves and do the same for others.

Admit mistakes. Ever been caught swearing in traffic? Nobody’s perfect. Coming clean can have a powerful influence on your kids' emotional growth. When you have a tough choice to make, allow them to see how you work through the problem, weight the pros and cons and come to a decision. By sharing your efforts to resolve conflict at work or calmly discussing family problems, they learn non-aggressive responses to stress, frustration or anger.

Think positive. Talk about your own role models growing up. Let your children observe you setting and reaching your goals. Introduce them to role models with admirable qualities who are working to make a difference. When you see them demonstrate praiseworthy characteristics, be sure to let them know. Teach them to continue striving for what they want while being happy with how far they've already come.

While your children are busy taking their cues from you, recognize that actions speak louder than words. Getting out of your comfort zone will challenge them to do it themselves. Your appreciating diversity will encourage your kids to accept differences, including their own. Let them know what you stand for and embrace your hopes and values. Live as if someone is watching, because they are.

Goodbye to Kids at College, Hello to Yourself

If your kids are settled into college by now, it's time to catch your breath. How about luxuriating in a bubble bath or something equally unfamiliar? Don't you deserve it after years of caring for your family in flux? And here are a few ideas to think about as you begin this new chapter:

Discover your passion. What do you really value and care about? What do you imagine is your life purpose now? Take advantage of the extra time and follow your dream of returning to school or changing jobs. Join a hiking group, volunteer program or exercise class. Sign up for bridge or yoga. Put you front and center for a change.

Learn more about what you want. What nurtures your creative thinking or stimulates your curiosity? Identify your natural talents that come so easily you often don't notice. Think about your greatest personal strengths. These could be attributes as diverse as a love of learning or a sense of humor.

Consider how others view you and your contributions. Who uses you as a role model and why? What in your life experience has led you to wisdom? Honor these insights and find ways to share what you already know well with others who could benefit from your knowledge.

Decide to make a start - any start. Now, finally, it's about you. Why not pick up a journal and write about your feelings and plans for the future. You can begin with some specific goals and break them down into manageable short term objectives. Think about their purpose and what that means to you. Consider your internal and external resources and how they will help you achieve your goals.

With Parents' Weekend right around the corner, here's what to expect. And when packing for the event, don't forget to take along your new attitude. It will help ease your college kids' minds about how you're adjusting to life without them.

We encourage you to spend time exploring our website, HerMentorCenter.com. You'll find lots of articles about how to nourish you. On the homepage menu, click Newsletter Library and Nourish Relationships and then on the specific topics that interest you.

Want more information? Download our complimentary eBooks Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching Your Goals. and Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm Let us know how you're doing and give other readers some tips about how to make a fresh start – we're all in this together. Just click on 'comments' at the end of this post and follow the prompts.

Talking to Your Kids About Anthony Weiner's Lies

The recent media frenzy about the behavior of Representative Anthony Weiner highlights the dangers of two activities - sexting and lying - and provides a clear teachable moment to use with our teens. We would hope to have good role models for the actions we want to encourage but given the dramatic effects of the inappropriate messages and photos Weiner sent and the devastating results of his untruthful words, we can talk to our kids about the serious consequences of making bad decisions.

Weiner is under fire by his own party for his behavior, particularly for lying to the press, his staff, constituents, colleagues, friends and family about his participation in the sexting incidents. As parents, we know that young children lie - generally about once every two hours - sometimes to get something they want or to gain attention but usually to avoid getting in trouble and being punished. Often the lines between make-believe and reality become blurred.

But when do youngsters' little 'white lies' become teenagers' big destructive whoppers? And how do those teens behave as adults out in the world? The case of Congressman Weiner provides an unambiguous example of the slippery slope of lying. As Sir Walter Scott wrote two hundred years ago, "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." Once you have begun to create a falsification, it's hard to extricate yourself.

According to the Josephson Institute of Ethics, more than one in five teens reveal instances of lying, cheating or stealing in the past year, with 80% saying they have lied to their parents about something significant. Teens are five times more likely than those over 50 to believe it is necessary to lie and cheat in order to succeed. As they move out into the world at large, these same young adults are two to three times more likely to misrepresent themselves in a job interview, lie to a significant other, keep money mistakenly given to them.

Why do children resort to these kinds of misdeeds? There are many possible reasons. Ethical standards may be seen as flexible guidelines, not rules. Poor role models abound in society, entertainment, political and sports worlds. Kids face high expectations and the pressure to succeed coming from parents and schools. There has been a normalization of certain illegal activities on the Internet - plagiarism of papers and reports, downloading pirated music and videos. And some baby boomer parents have transferred their signature emphasis on "me and my needs" to their offspring.

So what's a parent to do?

Be the role model you want you kids to emulate. And find other good examples of adults behaving well. They can help you reinforce the examples of integrity, authenticity, good citizenship that you want to encourage. Our boys looked up to John Wooden as they were growing up - you can find others in your own community.

As in other aspects of parenting, keeping lines of communication open is a good start. When your children are young, encourage and praise their honesty and let them know clearly what is unacceptable. As they mature, continue the dialogue about the real consequences of their behaviors, including lying. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a white paper with tips for improving communication with your teen.

Help your teens focus on learning for it's own sake without obsessing about tests and grades. Let them know that they don't have to be perfect to be competitive. When self-esteem is low, cheating and lying increase, so check out some tips from the American Psychological Association to facilitate building their self-confidence, resilience and self-respect.

As a member of Congress, Anthony Weiner's good judgment is also being questioned in terms of his use of social media as an outlet for his sexual proclivities. We'll talk more about that and how it affects your teens on Wednesday.

Wooden, Wimbledon, and World Cup

Wondering what these three W's - Wooden, Wimbledon, World Cup Soccer - have in common? All three of them can serve as impressive role models for success, especially this week.

John Wooden was known for his inspiration and motivation on and off the basketball court. His style was gracious, even as he focused on creating Competitive Greatness in his players and in the rest of us, through his Pyramid of Success. Some of his favorite sayings come to mind this week, reviewing two sporting events that represent more than just games.

It was a grueling Wimbledon first round match that lasted over 11 hours, spread over three days. The match finally ended at the 980th point, after John Isner hit a winning shot in game 183, beating Nicholas Mahut in the third set, 70 games to 68.

Records were broken all over the place - so, even if we never strive to play at Wimbledon,what lessons can we learn from this match? What can it teach our kids about good behavior, determination and never giving up?

Each young man was gracious - in victory and in defeat. They each reflected one of John Wooden's aphorisms, "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."

Each player resolved to give his all, putting himself on the line, as well as the tennis ball. Perhaps they were recalling Coach Wooden's wisdom, "The man who is afraid to risk failure seldom has to face success." Mahut reflected after his loss, "I just want them to remember that we were just two big fighters and one of them just won." Isner said in an interview just after his record-breaking win, "I told myself to just go for it. I didn't want to lose that point playing the wrong way. If I go for my shot and miss, that's fine."

Refusing to give in to exhaustion - both physical and mental - both Isner and Mahut continued to serve aces, even into the fifth set, with a record 215 between the two of them. They each rose to the challenge and, in the process, set an example of determination for us all, reflecting Wooden's advice: "Make the effort. Do your best. The score cannot make you a loser when you do that; it cannot make you a winner if you do less."

The USA Soccer team's second round win at the World Cup was a reason for cheering around America. When Landon Donovan scored an extra-time goal - in the 91st minute of play - Team USA advanced to the round of 16.

What lessons can the 3 million-plus kids who play soccer in the U.S. take from this World Cup win? Again, let's turn to John Wooden for direction.

Hard work is an integral part of any success, be it in sports or in life. As Coach was fond of saying, "Failing to prepare is preparing to fail" and "Big things are accomplished only through the perfection of minor details." Their years of training allowed the U.S. soccer team to take advantage of the opportunity to score, after over 90 minutes of strenuous play, when the Algerian goalie blocked the ball but let it roll free.

That play, as well as others during the game, highlighted the teamwork required to bring about the win. Working together over months and years created the energy Donovan and the rest of the team needed to score, providing the counterbalance to Wooden's caveat, "Goals achieved with little effort are seldom worthwhile or lasting."

So, even if you and your kids are not world-class tennis, soccer or basketball players, you can improve your game - and your lives - by using these 3 W's as role models. Play on!

John Wooden and the Perfect Baseball Game

John Wooden was so well known for his leadership role as a basketball coach and player that not everyone knew he had also lettered in varsity baseball his freshman year in college. He later coached baseball and his love of the game continued throughout his life.

With his keen sense of moral principles, Coach Wooden would have been proud of the behavior recently exhibited by the Detroit Tiger's pitcher Armando Galarraga and the umpire, Jim Joyce, who prevented Galarraga from being credited with a perfect game. When umpire Joyce incorrectly called the runner to first base "safe," Galarraga accepted the call stoically, although if correctly called an "out," it would have earned him a rare perfect game in the record books.

When Joyce realized his mistake, he took responsibility for it and immediately went to apologize to Galarraga, who accepted his apology with dignity and grace. The following day, both men treated each other with respect and reflected the high ideals of good sportsmanship.

Columnist Peggy Noonan wrote in the Wall Street Journal about lessons for our children that were abundant in the interchange between Galarraga and Joyce - "that a victim of injustice can react with compassion, and a person who makes a mistake can admit and declare it."

It may not have been an official perfect game, but these two men were the perfect role models for our children about what sports figures can teach our children - and us - about civility, honesty and good behavior.

For stories about other role models for you and your kids, join our free newsletter email list and receive a complimentary copy of Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals. You'll learn about strategies to guide you as you continue you important, and often difficult, job of raising children today.

Dara Torres and Susan Boyle: How to Reach Your Goals

Continuing our conversation about having the courage to reach for your goals, here are two very different women who exemplify that and can serve as role models:

What about champion swimmer Dara Torres who, in her early 40s, won a medal at the Bejing Olympics? Don't remain a spectator - jump into the game of life and become a winner yourself. Why question whether you're too old to reach your goals or to balance family and career. It's never too late to challenge yourself. With maturity, drive and focus, you can achieve your dreams. Excellence comes with hard work and practice. Learning about the training schedules of athletes reminds us that accomplishments don't come easy. Repetition is the handmaiden of success. Set long-term goals as well as realistic and incremental steps to reach them. Give yourself credit when you achieve an objective and move ever closer toward your ultimate goal. Strive for your personal best - and remember the most important competitor you have is actually you.

British singer Susan Boyle, in some ways, is everywoman. Her first appearance onstage, with the initial negative reaction from the audience and judges, taps into insecurities we all have. Who hasn't felt frumpy or unattractive, unsure of ourselves or at a loss for words? Susan lived a simple life, caring for her elderly mother, singing in the church choir and practicing her music. When you see the instant rejection, it makes you wonder if our society is focused on the wrong things. Let your creativity run wild so that you see yourself from a different perspective. The first step is just to begin the process. Then your positive experiences will soon provide the incentive to continue. There may be some stumbling blocks along the way, but never give up.

Read the rest of Dara and Susan's stories - and discover practical tips that can help you reach your goals - by signing our email list to the left of this post. And learn more about these talented and motivated women by typing in their names on wikipedia.

Grandmothers Speak Up

Unless you have taken over the full-time care of a grandchild, you probably have less stress being with your grandkids than you did when you were raising your own children. Without having to take care of all the daily needs of children, home and job at the same time, you are more likely now to enjoy watching your grandson or granddaughter grow. And relish their development into integral members of society, maybe even reflecting your own values.

One of our readers shared these moments of reflection about her grandson's behavior in her comment to Monday's post:

"As my six year old grandson was entering security at the airport he put down his carry-on, took out his wallet and placed two dollars into a money container for Food for the Hungry. I was impressed both with his generosity as well as his reading. Same little guy showed great courage earlier in the week when he came running up to his Mother and said, "do whatever you want to me, I broke a window." Grandsons are wonderful!"

And another reader weighed in with her comments about the threads of continuity in her family represented by her granddaughter:

"So are granddaughters! I remember how much I used to love being allowed to bake with my grandmother - blueberry pies were her specialty. Now I get to enjoy baking with my granddaughter. Her mom is so busy with work that she doesn't have much time to do anything more than get dinner on the table for her family during the week. I have more free time now so we have fun together in the kitchen after school."

How about you? What brings you the most pleasure in your role as grandmother? The unconditional love you share with a grandchild? Carrying on family traditions and values? The chance to be playful again? Seeing your own adult child in a new light? The warmth and closeness of the hugs? Click on the "comment" link below and tell us about your grandchild. And if you want to learn more about heroic role models for your grandchildren and the courage they embody, join our email list and download a copy of our new e-book, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Childhood Lies

It's been said that young children tend to lie at least once every two hours - sometimes to get something they want or to gain attention but usually to avoid getting in trouble and being punished. Often the lines between make-believe and reality become blurred. But when do youngsters' little 'white lies' become teenagers' big destructive whoppers? And how do those teens behave as young adults?

The Josephson Institute of Ethics releases studies of American high school students every two years and finds that the levels of lying, cheating and stealing have steadily increased. Results from their most recent study indicate that 12 to 17 year olds are five times more likely than those over 50 to believe it is necessary to lie and cheat in order to succeed. As they move out into the world at large, these same young adults are two to three times more likely to misrepresent themselves in a job interview, lie to a significant other, keep money mistakenly given to them.


Photo (c) 2008 Jupiter Images. All rights reserved.

Why do our children resort to these kinds of misdeeds? Is it the poor role models found in the entertainment, political and sports worlds? Is it the pressure to succeed coming from parents and schools? Is it the normalization of certain illegal activities on the Internet - plagiarism of papers and reports, downloading pirated music and videos?

So what's a parent to do? As in other aspects of parenting, keeping lines of communication open is a good start. When your children are little, encourage and praise their honesty, let them know clearly what is unacceptable, talk with them about the real consequences of their behaviors.

As they mature, continue to help your teens focus on learning for it's own sake without obsessing about tests and grades. Let them know that they don't have to be perfect to be competitive. Monitor their Internet use. And talk with them about the inappropriate messages their "heroes" are sending.

Adult role models can be helpful in setting examples of the kind of behavior you want to encourage in your children. To read more about a family man who lived according to his own high standards, click on the title above. It will take you to our website article, What Sandwiched Boomers Can Learn from Tim Russert.

How Rihanna can be a Positive Role Model for Teenagers

Are you a member of the sandwich generation with teenagers still living at home? If so, you may be helping them prepare emotionally to move out and be on their own. And in this day and age, with peer pressure and other distractions, that's not such an easy job.

Growing children today are caught in the crosshairs of modern media. Technology has become their babysitter – reality TV, nude photos on the Internet, bizarre videos on YouTube, seductive text messages. It's time for these young people to be exposed instead to role models who have the potential to inspire them to do the right thing. But instead of symbols of stability, they're finding other adolescents living through their own crises.

On the day of the Grammys, R&B singer Chris Brown allegedly beat up his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna, after an altercation over text messages that Brown received from another woman. Pundits, bloggers and reporters are weighing in. Some support Rihanna and are intent on not blaming the victim. Others want her to face the situation head-on and take a strong stand.

This week we're focusing on how Rihanna can help herself - and all the young people who admire her. Clicking on the title above will take you to www.HerMentorCenter.com and an article about domestic violence.