Grandmothers Value Special Holiday Celebrations

Now that we are into December, the holiday season has begun in earnest, prompting grandmothers into action as they search for ways to prepare for holiday celebrations with the grandkids. Chanukah begins tonight and Christmas and Kwanzaa are just over three weeks away. So we've got more tips today about how to enjoy the holidays with your grandchildren, whether they live close to you or far away.

When your grandkids live nearby, you benefit by being an integral part of their lives. You likely have the chance to spend time with them weekly, participate in significant events and learn first-hand about their latest interests and achievements. The main concern then becomes boundaries - on all sides. It's vital for you not to undermine your adult children's authority, even if you pitch in to help with child-care. And it's just as imperative for you to retain your own personal identity and not become submerged in the role of grandmother only. You'll enjoy the relationship more when you also have some separation from it.

When you are part of the special kind of grandmothering that is becoming more common today, flexibility is the key. If you son or daughter has divorced, you might lose some contact with your grandchild, especially if the situation between the parents is strained. You may need to maintain a relationship with your child's ex in order to spend time with your grandkids - it helps to discuss this with your own child, as this can be a touchy subject. Your time with the grandkids is likely determined by which parent has them that day, not when you want to see them. So you'll need to be flexible in your planning. Divorce is difficult for everyone and your grandkids may blame themselves and act out behaviorally, making it difficult for you to manage them. Or they may withdraw from you, afraid that you will leave too. Help them adapt by accepting their feelings. Avoid criticizing either parent to your grandkids so they don't feel their loyalty is being tested when they are with you. You can get some ideas about celebrating holidays with your grandchildren post-divorce in an article we wrote for the website Divorce360.com.

Patience is called for if you become a step-grandmother. You will need to give your new grandchildren time to accept you, so begin slowly. They probably have relationships - and holiday rituals - with their birth grandparents so don't try to rush them into considering you in the same way. Let them know that you are not trying to take the place of their other grandparents, but only adding to their circle of caring adults. Learn about them - their early years, their interests and talents, their personalities. Keep your expectations realistic as you build a relationship that leads to love between you. And talk to your children about possibly adding new traditions your family holiday meal that include everyone.

The unifying concept for good grandmothering is respect - for your children, their partners, your grandkids - and for yourself. Show that you appreciate and value each individual's needs and rights - especially at holiday time. When you do that, you set the stage for building strong bonds between everyone in the family all through the year.

Tips for Grandmothers During the Holidays

This time of year, the role of grandmother can be most rewarding, especially if you and you grandchild spend some of the winter holidays together. Ours just visited for Thanksgiving and we all enjoyed being together to celebrate. While buying and giving presents is important, the most significant gift you can give your grandchild is your presence, attention and love. And you know the best gift you can receive back is a great big hug. For some budget-friendly and fun activities to do with your grandkids this holiday season, here's 100 free things to choose from.

'Grand Mothers' come in all sizes and shapes, as well as names - Grandma, Nana, Bubbe, Granny, or whatever special name your grandkids have for you. Grandchildren may live near or far; be in preschool, grade school, college or beyond; from intact or blended families. What grandmothers share in common is a deep desire to maintain a loving bond with their grandchildren. Here are some tips for creating enriched relationships:

When your grandchildren live far away, the most salient issue is developing connections. You probably don't have the opportunity to see them more than every few months, particularly in this economy. You will likely need to enlist the aid of your adult children to help you form the bonds between you and their kids. How you connect will change as they grow and will certainly flow from your own interests and creative talents. Whatever you choose, your efforts will be well worth it when you see how excited they get when you visit. For some new ideas about connecting at a distance, take a look the article on our HerMentorCenter.com website, Create Meaningful Bonds with Your Grandchildren across the Miles.

When your grandkids are babies, help them develop a full impression of you. You can best do this by using all the sensations that babies respond to. Let them begin to identify your voice by cooing to them on the phone or sending them tapes or CD's with you singing, reading or speaking to them. They can begin to recognize your face from pictures of you in their room or on the computer via iChat or Skype. Have a special song or book that you share with them as you cuddle on each visit. Wear the same perfume - or even a dab of vanilla – whenever you visit so that they learn to associate that with you.

Even if you can't spend the holidays together, continue to use phone calls, letters, cards, texting and emails to stay in touch. After a visit, you can create a scrapbook for them of pictures and souvenirs from your time together. Their memories of you will be enhanced when they have something tangible to look at and savor over and over again, like Family Photo Books. You can write them stories or poems about what you do together, with them as the star of the piece.

During the rest of the year, learn about your grandchildren's activities and interests so you can engage with them about topics that mean a lot to them. Pay attention to their friends when you go to their birthday parties, sports events or special occasions - then you can ask about them later when you have returned home. Integrate what you find out and keep up with their changing activities. All of your efforts will help cement the connections between you.

Check back with us again on Wednesday when we’ll have some more tips for you grandmothers to put in place this holiday season.

Grandmothers Hold On and Let Go

Over spring break, I had a chance to think about the eternal balance for grandmothers as well as mothers - between holding on and letting go. I recognized the dilemma as we took our visiting grandsons to an amusement park that offered trapeze lessons. I watched each of them climb up the tall ladder, perch on the small landing, reach for the bar of the trapeze and then leap out into the air, swinging freely on the trapeze.

After a few swings, each one raised his legs up, hooked them over the bar, and hung by his knees, letting go of his hands and swinging back and forth upside down. Although each was, of course, attached to a tether protecting from harm in case of a fall, the freedom of the moment was palpable.

After being let down, each boy rolled off the net. Their huge grins and swaggering walk testified to the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that each boy attained. They had experienced first hand the flood of emotions generated by holding on and letting go - anticipation, anxiety, fear, daring, courage, exhilaration, fulfillment and pride, among others.

And I too understood the complexity of holding on and letting go - of children, grandchildren, aging parents. Having practiced it for years with my children, I was finally getting a little more skillful at it with my grandchildren. I recognized that although they loved to cuddle with me when they were younger, as they matured they were becoming a bit more distant, especially in public. And this was all just fine - I didn't take it personally. I realized that even in their letting go, we would always have bonds to hold on to. It's a growing experience - for all of us.

To continue growing yourself, download a complimentary copy of our e-book, Courage and Lessons Learned. You'll receive it when you sign up for our newsletter email list on the box to the left of this post.

Grandmothers Speak Up

Unless you have taken over the full-time care of a grandchild, you probably have less stress being with your grandkids than you did when you were raising your own children. Without having to take care of all the daily needs of children, home and job at the same time, you are more likely now to enjoy watching your grandson or granddaughter grow. And relish their development into integral members of society, maybe even reflecting your own values.

One of our readers shared these moments of reflection about her grandson's behavior in her comment to Monday's post:

"As my six year old grandson was entering security at the airport he put down his carry-on, took out his wallet and placed two dollars into a money container for Food for the Hungry. I was impressed both with his generosity as well as his reading. Same little guy showed great courage earlier in the week when he came running up to his Mother and said, "do whatever you want to me, I broke a window." Grandsons are wonderful!"

And another reader weighed in with her comments about the threads of continuity in her family represented by her granddaughter:

"So are granddaughters! I remember how much I used to love being allowed to bake with my grandmother - blueberry pies were her specialty. Now I get to enjoy baking with my granddaughter. Her mom is so busy with work that she doesn't have much time to do anything more than get dinner on the table for her family during the week. I have more free time now so we have fun together in the kitchen after school."

How about you? What brings you the most pleasure in your role as grandmother? The unconditional love you share with a grandchild? Carrying on family traditions and values? The chance to be playful again? Seeing your own adult child in a new light? The warmth and closeness of the hugs? Click on the "comment" link below and tell us about your grandchild. And if you want to learn more about heroic role models for your grandchildren and the courage they embody, join our email list and download a copy of our new e-book, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Grandmothers and Spring Break

With my grandsons visiting last week during spring break, we planned some of the usual fun things we like to do together. Their parents took several days away on their own so we got a chance to enjoy the boys alone - shooting baskets at the park, cooking, bowling, playing piano duets, swimming, going on day trips, and, of course, lots of hugging. During one of those day trips in the car - to a rural farm where we all picked strawberries - I also spent some time talking with them about values that are important to me. Afterwards, I wondered why I felt the need to teach them as well as have fun with them.

I realized that I wanted to pass on to them some nuggets of wisdom I had gathered over the years as well as help them develop into good citizens. In a sense, I needed to pass on to them my survival strategies, ethics and social morality. Not so different from the situation in other cultures in which grandmothers are the guardians of traditional values, the possessors of indigenous knowledge and the storytellers of family history.

Research indicates that grandmothers - particularly those in developing countries - help grandchildren survive and thrive into adulthood. This is known as the Grandmother effect. In most societies, grandmothers provide at least some financial aid to their grandchildren as well as helping their children with domestic chores and childcare assistance. The U. S. Census Bureau has been tracking the numbers of grandparents caring for their grandkids - today there are upwards of 1.5 million working grandparents who are also supervising the younger generation.

In recent years, there has been a Granny boom due to the increased life expectancy and quality of life among seniors. With these increased numbers, the role of grandmothers will likely take on even greater importance in the rearing of children in years to come. With everything else changing so rapidly, the stability that a grandmother can provide can be just the anchor a child needs.

Want to pass on to your grandchildren some suggestions for developing courage? Simply join our email list and you can download a copy of our ebook, Courage and Lessons Learned.

Staycation Moonsets

Ever since we bought our first grandson the classic children's book, Guess How Much I Love You, a week after he was born, the moon has been a symbol unifying our three young grandsons, who live two thousand miles away, and us. We used to read to them, tucked snugly on our laps, about how the mother hare loved her baby, "all the way to the moon and back," and spread our arms as wide as we could showing how much we loved them.



As they grew older, we would excitedly spot the moon together on our trips to their home and theirs to ours. We talked about how we were all seeing the same moon, even when we were thousands of miles apart. I began shooting photos of the moon, especially moonsets over the Pacific. I liked the way the moon would light up one section of the ocean at night.



Sometimes one of the boys would call us and declare, "I saw our friend the moon tonight!" The feeling of togetherness would envelope us as our smiles stretched across our faces as it did across the country. In the "wee small hours of the morning" I would get up and take pictures that I could send them, along with a poem I wrote about our unbreakable connection to them.



I think my favorite pictures of the moonset are the ones I took in the west as the sun was rising in the east. They remind me of the timeless link between night and day, the circle of life, the eternal bonds between us and our loved ones. And, of course, our three young grandsons.



To read more posts about connecting with your grandchildren, click on the title above. It will take you to a group of posts here at NourishingRelationships about our Virtual Book Tour with Sally Wendkos Olds and her book, Super Granny.

Staycations Going Green

Today we have another set of pictures highlighting things to do on a family staycation. Here a grandmother talks about why these pictures are important to her:

"Although I'm not a golfer myself, recently I got to "caddy" for my young grandson when he and my son played golf on a par three course. It was great getting to see the two of them interact away from the rest of the family. I can see that sometimes it is hard for my son to give each of his children the special individual time that he would like. Everyone in the family is so busy - with work, chores around the house, homework, personal needs, family togetherness - that there's not much time and energy left for personal attention. So I took pleasure being the fly on the wall - or, I guess the fly in the air since we were outside - while they enjoyed the day and each other.

Of course a second benefit for me was that the scenery was gorgeous. It was a wonderful and peaceful way to spend the day outside in the fresh air - and better exercise than walking on the treadmill!"

To learn more about how to take a meaningful staycation with your family, click on the post title above. It takes you to our website, www.HerMentorCenter.com and an article in our Nourishing Relationships Library, 6 Tips for Sandwiched Boomers Planning Summer Staycations.

Super Granny: Great Stuff To Do With Your Grandkids

Author and grandmother Sally Wendkos Olds is here today to talk about her new book. Super Granny: Great Stuff to do with Your Grandkids. It's an up-to-the-minute 21st century treasure trove of activities that help grandmothers enjoy, communicate, and really connect with their grandchildren.

Activities in the book are grouped by age, from infancy to adolescence, with something for the most computer-savvy granny and kid, along with more traditional projects. Handy icons throughout the book help pinpoint projects that suit your pocketbook, energy level, and interests. A bonus is the listing of current, informative Web sites to follow up suggestions in the book.

Especially fun for us is that Rosemary's concept of writing poems to her grandchildren is one of the 75 stories highlighted by Sally.

NR: Why did you write Super Granny?

Sally: When some of my friends have heard about a few of the things I’ve done with my grandchildren, they have become really interested and conversely I have learned so much from hearing about what my friends who are grandparents do with their grandchildren that I thought it would be fun to share some of the activities that both generations enjoy.

Also, writing about this stage of life feels like a natural progression for me – other books of mine have covered breastfeeding, working parenthood, sexual turning points throughout life, and other aspects of child & adult development.

NR: What are some things you have done with your own grandkids?

Sally: I've done all kinds of things: art in the bathtub, make-a-plate, emailing, composing on the computer, going to school for Grandparents’ Day, having a personal library of children’s books, jogging together, text-messaging with teens - even though we're so much slower than they are!

Some ideas I've gotten from other grandparents are: letting the children eat dessert first, creating art from seashells, taking a grandchild to breakfast, making a birth book or a group quilt, and of course, as Rosemary does, writing poems for and to your grandchildren.

NR: How are today’s grandmothers different from those in the past?

Sally: Today’s grandmothers are more likely to be working, to be physically active, to be technologically proficient, to have really busy lives. We’re similar, though, to grandmothers of the past in treasuring this special relationship and wanting to be emotionally close to our grandchildren, even when we can’t be physically close.

NR: How does your book help grandmothers who live far from their grandchildren?

Sally: There are so many activities that speak to the needs of these grandmothers & their grandchildren. I was especially sensitive to grandmothering across the miles because I live this situation. None of my grandchildren have ever lived closer than a 2-hour drive away, and 3 of them have lived either on the west coast of the U.S. or in Europe, while I have lived in New York. I have stayed emotionally close to my grandchildren, and so in Super Granny I emphasized some ways other grandmothers can do this. Special icons in the book point to activities especially good for long-distance grandmothering. Some examples are: email, writing special letters or poems, talking and seeing each other through services like Skype & webcams, texting, digital photos, shared vacations, making videos, family blogging.

NR: In today’s economy, a lot of grandmothers have to cut back on spending. What suggestions do you have for activities that don’t cost much?

Sally: Almost all the activities in the book cost little or nothing. These activities are specially marked as being either free or “dirt-cheap.” Some examples are: making a birth book; teaching babies to sign, playing games; fostering creativity in music, arts, and crafts; taking them shopping at thrift and secondhand stores; becoming your family’s cultural historian; sharing inexpensive sports like jogging, softball, cycling; involving grandkids in your political and civic activities.

NR: On the other hand, what are some activities worth splurging on?

Sally: Creating memories by giving grandchildren special experiences, like taking them away for a weekend or more; taking them to performances like the circus or theater; skiing, river-rafting, and pursuing other expensive activities with them; encouraging charitable giving; creating & publishing your own family book; taking them on a Segway tour. I spent a wonderful day with my 7-year-old granddaughter at the American Girl Store café in New York. Super Granny offers suggestions to make such experiences well worth the financial outlay.

NR: Why is it more rewarding to see grandchildren without their parents?

Sally: The grandparent/grandchild connection is unique. Seeing the child alone helps you forge this special relationship without having to worry about treading on the toes of the parent, or being too presumptuous, or not knowing just what your boundaries are. Also when the parent isn’t present, you’re the primary caregiver, confidante, companion. The child turns to you with questions, requests for help, and confidences, and is often freer to ask questions she/he might not ask a parent.

NR: Why is it better to see only one grandchild at a time?

Sally: It enables you to have a more intimate relationship than when more than one grandchild is present. You don’t have to worry about lavishing too much attention on one child rather than another, or choosing among activities for different ages. You can devote yourself totally to the one you’re with.

NR: Thank you for joining us today, Sally. We agree that Super Granny is the ultimate resource for today’s super grannies, with super-powers to captivate the grandkids! If any of you have questions for Sally or want to share your own ways of connecting with your grandkids, send them in and Sally will respond today or tomorrow. And click on the title above to take you to Sally's webpage highlighting all of her books.