Helping Kids Feel Secure

The summer got away from us – one morning our grandsons were pitching sand balls into the lake, the next afternoon they were preparing their backpacks for school. Whereas Monday’s blog post focused on kids’ stress that comes from media coverage of trauma, there are lots of other situations that can make kids feel anxious – like the first day of school.

Kids respond differently and the impact of any stressor depends on their personality, maturity, and coping mechanisms. Some have trouble explaining how they feel so it’s not always obvious, although tears, withdrawal or irritability are often clues. The behavior of others might not change yet they feel nervous or scared. And stress can affect physical wellbeing, with exacerbation of asthma, stomachaches or sleep disturbances.

What can you do to help?

Often the best predictor of how children manage is how well their parents cope with stress. They are often sensitive and struggle to understand their reactions. They may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, too big to admit they’re worried. Encourage them to talk about how they feel and not keep bad thoughts inside.

Their relationships matter. They feel better about themselves when they are getting along well with you. And kids who do not have close friendships are at higher risk for developing stress-related problems. No matter how busy their schedule, kids of all ages need time to play with others and relax. Play helps them learn about their world, explore ideas and soothe themselves.

Kids need support, but also space to work things out. You can’t walk a tightrope for them. Sometimes they need to fall, feel disappointment, and learn from their mistakes. Parents have to acknowledge their own anxiety and find the courage to step back. Remember that they thrive best in an environment that is reliable, consistent, and non-interfering. Their job is to grow, yours is to control worry so that it doesn't get in the way as they move toward autonomy.

Kids need support, but also space to work things ourow, yours is to control worry so that it doesn't get in the way as they move toward autonomy.y.y move toward autonomy.

Virtual Book Tour: Acting Techniques for Everyday Life

Readers, we're delighted you've joined our Virtual Book Tour today and a hearty welcome to author Jane Marla Robbins. We think that you'll be very interested in what this successful actress and performance coach has to say about her thought provoking book, Acting Techniques for Everyday Life: Look And Feel Self-Confident in Difficult Real Life Situations. So let's get started on some readers’ questions:

Nourishing Relationships: I am in a wonderful marriage, we don’t fight often, but when we do, I fall apart and I hate when that happens. Any tips?

Jane Marla Robbins: Actors often imagine personal images on the back wall of a theater. So, on the wall behind your husband, you might imagine some symbol of the love between you, some image of the good times you have shared. It could be the picture of Gustav Klimt’s famous lovers, if that makes you smile and trust in your love. Or it could be an image of you and your husband dancing when you just met and fell in love. Our bodies react to imaginary images, if we really see them, just as if their reality were actually there. Archetypal images are particularly powerful, and could help you to be grounded in the reality of your love instead of in a fear that your love will not survive the argument.

N R: My mother-in-law is sometimes so critical of me, I want to shrivel up and die. Are there any acting techniques I can use for being with her?

J M R: Let’s say your mother-in-law tells you you’re fat or stupid--or whatever insensitive label she manages to put on you. Try writing an Inner Monologue to say silently to yourself, as she’s criticizing you, or, worst case scenario, afterwards. It might include some of the following: “She isn’t really talking to me, she’s talking to herself. She hates herself. I’m okay. She’s mean. I should never expect love and support from her. If I want love and support, I have other people to whom I should go.”

You might write your Inner Monologue on a piece of paper and put it in your pocket. You can always just put your hand in your pocket, feel the piece of paper, and remember your truth. Writing down words on a piece of paper, words that remind us of our strength, or the insanity of our attacker, helps a lot of people.

N R: When I go out for dinner with my boyfriend and his friends, every time I begin to speak, my boyfriend interrupts--even though he’s complained that I don’t speak up enough when we’re with his friends.

J M R: Here’s the Acting Technique I suggest you use: Speak the Truth. Tom Hanks says the ability to tell the truth is essential for any good performance. A lot of people need to practice knowing what the truth is and how to speak it. And a lot of us need to learn when not to say it, if it will make a relationship worse. In this case, however, I would suggest that you Speak the Truth to your boyfriend, and tell him that it doesn’t help if he interrupts. After all, at least we know he wants you to speak up more! If you can’t speak this simple Truth to your boyfriend, maybe he’s not the right boyfriend. On the other hand, if you work up the courage to tell him, you may be surprised by his reaction. He might even stop interrupting. He might even apologize. (A good test.)

N R: My brother and his wife, who I luckily don’t see very often, are nevertheless quite nasty and mean to me when I do. Is there an Acting Technique you would recommend when I have to see them at our family functions?

J M R: The first time I consciously used an Acting Technique in my “real life” I was frankly amazed that it actually worked. I was having to spend time with a man who had just married into my family, and who apparently could not be in the same room with me without mocking me, belittling me, or somehow putting me down. The times I had to see him became unbearable.

Then one day I pretended he had leprosy. I just told myself, “He has leprosy.” I didn’t imagine boils on his face, or bones sticking out of his hands, I just said, “I’ll try it. I’ll pretend he has leprosy.” I was using a simple acting technique called the Magic As If. I merely acted As If he had leprosy. It worked.

For one thing, it helped me to avoid him. I was pretending he had some terrible disease I could actually catch, why would I have wanted to get near him? So for starters I never got close enough for him to start in. The odd thing about my adventure with leprosy is that the day after I tried it, the guy actually told his wife, “Jane seemed better yesterday, didn’t you think?” Did he feel compassion from me for his disease (his meanness)? Or was it that, because I avoided him, he was no longer threatened by my energy, and therefore didn’t feel the need to try and diminish it or me? The bottom line is it worked; the abuse was over.

Leprosy may not work for you. If it doesn’t, you could of course substitute another disease for the people who upset you and from whom you may want to keep your distance. You can still love them (always a good idea!)--just don’t get too close!

N R: I just started dating someone, but I can feel myself wanting to rush into a relationship and I’m afraid she’s going to bolt. Any advice?

J M R: Try an actor’s “Inner Monologue.” Here’s one you might keep in your pocket and /or repeat in your head: “I enjoy building this relationship slowly.” Or, “I deserve to really know this person before I jump in the sac or marry them.” Or you might keep the Perfect Prop in your pocket, maybe a pair of glasses, to remind you really to see the larger picture here, to remind yourself really to see the woman. Not easy after only two dates! Or you could bring along a doggy collar and leash in your pocket--to remind you to put on the brakes and slow down.

N R: I am newly married, I love my husband but I am not always comfortable with his family. I think they don’t like me, they’re not very nice to me.

J M R: Here’s what worked for one of my clients: when you’re with them, you might imagine seeing and smelling a bouquet of your favorite flower (or box of your favorite chocolates, or whatever makes you totally happy). Bottom line: you’ll be smiling. And no one will know why. More important, you will know why. This will give you an extra sense of power, so you won’t feel as uncomfortable or unhappy or like a victim with this “not very nice” family.

The bouquet (or its substitute) works not only because you will have tricked your body into believing your favorite flowers are in front of you, but also because you will have given a gift to yourself, a special gift, which, like any perfect present you might receive, can make you happy. Plus, you will have a secret. Secrets help us to feel powerful, because when we’re afraid, our body fears being robbed--of its self-confidence, joy and ultimately of its life. But when we have a secret, we know it cannot be stolen, because nobody knows that we have it in the first place.

The gift of the “bouquet” will also make you feel gifted and loved, just as you would feel if you were in fact given your favorite gift. And when you feel really loved, you cannot feel uncomfortable and afraid. Plus you will no longer be the passive victim, but consciously active, an actor in your own life.

N R: I’m suddenly nervous with someone I’ve just started dating and want to be cool. Any tips?

J M R: Here’s a technique to help you be not only “cool,’ but also Your Most Authentic, Relaxed and Best Self. It’s called Sense Memory. When, and only when you suddenly feel nervous, and not all you want to be (funny, charming, relaxed, smart, whatever), you would sensorily transform the person with whom you’re nervous into someone with whom you’re very comfortable. So you might smell your best friend’s perfume, or hear his or her laugh. Look at the person who may be making you nervous, and compare his or her hair to your Best Friend’s--Is it darker, longer? Or you could see your best friend’s eyes, with their mischievous glint, replacing the eyes of the person who makes you uncomfortable. Your whole body will relax AS IF the person with whom you feel fabulous is actually there.

N R: I have to see my ex, a difficult man. We have business to do and need to be together. Any advice?

J M R: Try Playing a Character. Meryl Streep always works for me. In extremis, sometimes playing a lion is needed. Your “Actor’s Adjustment” will be your secret. When you shake your head, only you will know it’s a lion’s mane, or that your nails are claws, should you need them.

N R: My boyfriend and I get into fights. They’re not that bad, but particularly when he gets angry, I get very upset. Is there an acting technique to help me with this?

J M R: Try finding the Perfect Prop, and even hold onto it in your pocket during an argument. It could be a piece of paper with your Inner Monologue, maybe with the words, “We will resolve this, we always do. We love each other.” You might also remind yourself that anger will not kill you. That said, it is always deeply upsetting for me to be with someone who is angry.

Other props might work--maybe a locket in your pocket from your most loving grandmother. Just touching it in the face of insanity could remind you of the people who love and support you, to remind you that the world is ultimately a safe and loving place. When we feel safe and loved, arguments are actually easy.

N R: I have a meeting with my boss. I like him, but I’m actually a little intimidated by him. I know our meetings would go better if I weren’t so intimidated. Is there an acting technique that might be helpful?

J M R: I’m suggesting you have an arsenal of Sensory Memories that make you feel strong and happy. Scientific experiments at Harvard show that using the right Sense Memory (which the medical establishment calls “guided sensory imagery”) can lower your blood pressure, as well as your pain and anxiety levels. In other words, if you use the right Sense Memory, you and your body actually get stronger. So, what makes you feel strong and courageous, instead of intimidated and afraid? An awesome waterfall? Then imagine one on the wall behind your interviewer. If you sensorially re-create one, your body will not know the difference between the real waterfall and the imaginary one. Our cells hold the reality of all our sensory memories, that’s how our bodies are wired.

The senses, as Pavlov proved, are a doorway to the unconscious. For example, if you were to imagine a lemon wedge in your hand, tried to smell it, feel it and taste the juice in your mouth, you would probably start salivating. If, on the other hand, you were simply to command yourself to salivate, which is an automatic, unconscious response, like discomfort or nervousness, it’s unlikely that you would.

So, don’t logically tell yourself not to be nervous for a meeting with someone that might make anybody nervous. But give yourself a pleasurable Sense Memory and see if you don’t start relaxing and even smiling. Use any or all of your senses. You might imagine you’re drinking champagne--but only if it makes you relaxed and open, not drunk and stupid. You’d imagine tasting it, smelling its sweetness, feeling the bubbles on your nose, feeling your body relax.

Or you could hear a piece of music that makes you feel strong. Samuel L. Jackson heard the theme from Star Wars in his head for his fight scene in Star Wars II. He says it galvanized him and made him feel powerful. Feeling “intimidated” is just feeling afraid; but when we feel strong, we’re so much less likely to be scared.

N R: There’s someone at work who just can’t help being mean to me. Is there an Acting Technique I could use to help me not want to cry?

J M R: One of my clients, whose brother is particularly hard for her to be with, sings the following lyrics to herself when she is with him, to the tune of “I Feel Pretty” from Westside Story: “I don’t like him, I don’t like him. He’s withholding and nasty and mean. I don’t like him, it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.” Scientific studies show that both words and music alter our brain’s chemistry--whether actually heard or imagined.

Thanks, Jane, for such insight and thorough responses. Now, readers, it's your turn to share your thoughts and ask Jane questions. Just click on 'comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'anonymous' - it's as easy as that. And if you want to learn more about Jane and her work, spend some time on her website.

Memorial Day and Changing Behavior

Today we in the United States remember and pay tribute to the men and women in the Armed Forces who have sacrificed their lives to protect our freedoms over the years. Other military personnel have given up healthy bodies and psyches in service to country. In their honor this Memorial Day and with respect for their unique bravery, we offer you links to organizations that provide assistance to soldiers, sailors, marines, airmen and their families. You can make a difference by supporting their work. 

 

Joining Forces is a national initiative that provides members of the Armed Services and their families opportunities and support. United We Serve can help you search for volunteer opportunities to help military families in your community. 

The mission of The Wounded Warrior Project is to honor and empower wounded soldiers with a variety of programs to strengthen Mind, Body, Economic Empowerment and Engagement, including PTSD evaluation. Fisher House gives families the chance to be close to their military loved ones who are hospitalized and provides scholarships to support programs improving the quality of life for military families. The Semper Fi Fund provides immediate financial support for injured and critically ill Marines and their families. 

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, TAPS, provides comfort 

and healing for those who have lost a loved one in service to America. 

Their motto, "Remember the Love, Celebrate the Life, Share the Journey," 

aptly reflects their mission.

As we remember today, with love and respect, the sacrifice of these men 

and women, we can also reflect on the ideals of service, courage, and 

camaraderie they embody. They can be role models that we seek to 

emulate.

But making a decision to act differently is just the first step to actually changing your behavior.  A new book we received addresses how to begin making some of these changes in your relationships, focusing on strategies that lead to greater closeness and understanding. Dr. Georgianna Donadio has written Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills to share some of her tips for having fulfilling, lasting relationships.             

Here's just a brief look at Dr. Donadio's answers to some of our questions about changing and improving your communication techniques: 

  

NFR: Change is never easy, especially for people who are used to behaving or communicating a certain way for years. How does your book make change achievable?

Georgianna: It makes change possible by identifying the specific needs people have in communication exchanges. These needs and the steps to create effective and fulfilling communication have been researched for over 30 years.

NFR: A central part of your Changing Behavior is the concept of Behavioral Engagement. What exactly is Behavioral Engagement?

Georgiannia: Behavioral Engagement is the name of the set of communication skills that were developed. The name describes what the skills are about – how specific behavior engages others to create positive outcomes in communication.

NFR: What are your 12 steps for more effective communication?

Georgianna: The 12 steps are extensive to describe but here are the first few steps in summary:

Enter into your communications with a focus on the person and conversation you are having in that moment and not being distracted by other thoughts, concerns or most importantly with an agenda for the conversation or exchange you are having. Many of us are sitting with another person not really listening or being present, but rather just waiting to interject our thoughts rather than take in what the other person is sharing with us.

Sit in a comfortable, relaxed position that will allow you to be open (without crossed arms and legs) and receptive. Avoiding distracting movements such as playing with your hair, your eyeglasses, jewelry you may be wearing, etc. signals to the other person that you are actually paying attention to them and listening.

Maintain soft, non-judgmental eye contact. This creates openness and also stimulates oxytocin, which is a hormone/neurotransmitter that produces feelings of trust and love.

To get more of a flavor of her book, you can download a complimentary excerpt on Dr. Donadio's website.  

The Sibling Bond and Aging Parents

We just got home from the Blue Ridge mountains of North Carolina and a reunion with my husband’s brothers and their wives.

Visiting with family always reminds me of how the internal scripts and imprinted patterns that shape us continue their impact throughout our lives. I guess a broad range of emotions weave the tapestry of family life for all of us.

Like the sagas of Cain and Abel or Rachel and Leah, stories about sibling bonds are fascinating. Archetypal tales interest us because relationships with our own brothers and sisters can have a mix of love and rivalry, pride and resentment. And sibling rivalry, with its complex feelings of guilt, can lead to a cascade of emotions - empathy, shame, even manipulation.

Think about the specific dynamics between you and your siblings and how they have played out over the years. It’s not unusual for kids to feel that mom had a favorite - what impact did this have on your family? And consider what defines your relationships - birth order, personality, values, common interests, similar character traits?

Now look at what's going on between you and your siblings as your parents begin to decline.

The statistics are staggering. According to estimates from the National Alliance for Caregiving, 65 million Americans serve as family caregivers for an ill, disabled or aging relative. That's 29 % of the adult U.S. population involving 31 percent of all households. Some provide 20 hours of care a week, and only 1 in 10 who get help from others think the care is split equally.

It’s difficult when you have to take time away from work and family. And then there’s the added stress of caring for parents in decline. When faced with this kind of dilemma, many of us revert back to less adaptive attitudes and behaviors. Siblings can become inflexible and competitive instead of cooperative and collaborative when managing family problems.

Click on ‘comments’ below and share how your family is dealing with these inevitable challenges. And log on here Wednesday for tips that may help you begin to sort things out.

You, Your Difficult Mother and Mother’s Day

Perhaps you're fed up with trying to win your mom’s approval and be accepted for who you are. Or you’re tired of feeling guilty and blaming yourself for the problems. Although we all want an emotionally healthy relationship with our mother, sometimes it’s not possible. Instead of trying to placate mom, understand that the anger is her problem and it’s not your responsibility to manage her emotions.

Silence your self doubt. It’s not uncommon for insecurity to be the legacy of a difficult mother. Challenge your negative internal scripts and put them to rest. Value those who listen as you share your opinions and desires. This will remind you that close relationships can be different from your relationship with your mother.

Begin to practice self love. You’ll feel more empowered as you list all that you have achieved without your mom’s encouragement or support. Realize that these assets belong to you alone. If you've spent a lifetime trying to be taken care of or consumed with rage about not having that kind of love, it may be hard to see yourself as the valuable person you really are. You’ll come to know that you are not defined by your mom but by what you envision yourself to be.

Notice the positives of the life you've created. When you were young, your mom's attitude or actions may have made you feel worthless or invisible. Did you fantasize about getting out from under her control and moving far away? Now that you are perhaps married, with a family and a successful life, you're no longer that helpless little girl. Admire and respect your grown up qualities - how responsible you are, being able to laugh at yourself, your fierce independence, common sense and good judgment.

As you continue working to get what you need, consider the possibility of offering forgiveness. Granted, your mom may have made it difficult to accept yourself or trust others. But know that forgiving your mother for who she is doesn't necessarily excuse her actions. And starting to extinguish the feelings of rejection and resentment can mark a new beginning for you - a Mother's Day gift that you give yourself, freeing you from the past.

Difficult Moms and Mother's Day

When we’re young, it’s mom who gratifies our needs and takes care of our hurts. But she is also the first one to impose control and set limits. As we grow, memories of this primary and most powerful relationship are imprinted deep in our psyche.

It’s through attachments that we eventually learn who we are and what we feel. Some moms don’t acknowledge their kids as independent and set up coercive relationships with conditions on love and approval. In all stages of life, children with difficult mothers struggle with self doubt and worry others will disapprove of them.

Even though the media leads us to believe that all mothers deserve flowers on Mother’s Day, not all moms are lovable. So how can you protect yourself from rejection and keep your self respect while trying to regulate closeness and distance? Here are some ideas that can help you take better care of yourself on Mother's Day and throughout the year:

Let go of the dream of having a loving mother. It's hard to face the fact that you don’t have a 'good enough' mother. Once and for all, step back and stand up for you. Now is the time to shift the focus away from her and begin to protect and nurture yourself.

Be clear about what you're willing to do. Does your mother still have unreasonable expectations? Instead of her valuing what you do, perhaps she criticizes or argues in return. Make a list of what you’ll tolerate and try to keep firm boundaries. And don’t assume that you have to do it all alone. Talk honestly about how you feel and encourage family members to do their share. Some adult children have to work it out by walking away.

Refuse to respond to unrealistic demands. You may have other commitments or not feel like it. You’ll see that you create more balance by setting limits. You don't have to continue identifying with the role of the victim. Think about seeing a therapist - learning how to soothe yourself and manage your moods will put you more in control of your life.

Log on Wednesday to learn more about how to shift the focus to you, beginning on Mother’s Day.

Get Ready to Refresh Your Marriage

If you’re new to this blog, scroll down to Monday and read the post about how to make a good marriage better. There you’ll find practical tips and links to get you off to a good start. And below are a few more ideas that may help:

Ask for what you need. No one’s a mind reader. Sometimes, out of frustration or resentment, couples stop talking. Recommit to understanding each other’s anger or disappointment. If you meet halfway, you’ll both get more of what you want.

Invest in your own happiness. It will relieve pressure and your partner won’t have to be a major source of your wellbeing. By taking action in your own life, you'll feel more confident, have a better attitude, be more interesting and your relationship will reap the dividends.

Express your gratitude often. Compliments serve as positive reinforcement at the very times when you may be taking each other for granted. If you find yourself distancing, try to see your partner in a different light. Purposely look for qualities you love in each other. And when you’re thinking something positive, say it out loud.

Only you know what it’ll take to make you feel more fulfilled. Communicate it directly yet be flexible as you make your way through differences and disagreements. A shift in the dynamics can result from something as simple as a weekly date night or training together for a marathon. And being satisfied with small changes will bring more pleasure and greater intimacy into your relationship.

Brotherly Love and Sisterly Love

Philadelphia has been known as the city of brotherly love since William Penn first named it over 300 years ago and today one of the LOVE sculptures by Robert Indiana has a prominent place on the University of Pennsylvania campus.

With two sons, four grandsons and a brother of my own, I know a little about how brothers show their love. They're physical with each other - playing or sparring - and they compete in just about any way they can. Although they're fiercely protective of one another from any outsider, they seem to enjoy challenging each other with glee and abandon when it's just them. It's their way of showing respect and acceptance - that they are strong enough to take it. Brotherly love isn't often openly or verbally expressed in warm and fuzzy terms - either between actual brothers or between men friends - rather it's conveyed in doing things together.

What about sisterly love? Mostly it centers on connection and communication as a way of creating emotional intimacy. When sisters do compete and juggle for position, generally it's about relationships - who gets more of the love. That can cause jealousy - over who is cherished, more admired, with greater influence in drawing others closer. So women reach out beyond their siblings - their friendships are often as loving, committed and attached as those between actual sisters. The loyalty and devotion of long-term women friends binds them together and builds a sense of inner strength and personal security in each. We are both more grounded and more willing to take a chance flying because of shared links to our sisterhood.

What is your take on brotherly and sisterly love? Your close friendships? Will they be a part of your Valentine's Day experience tomorrow? Who is dear to you? Are your friendships closer than your actual sibling relationships? Share your feelings and start a discussion through the Comment link below.

Valentine’s Day and Emotional Intimacy

This year we began early, focusing Monday's post on a more satisfying Valentine's Day. Now that February is officially here, what else can you do to set the tone for the day of love? We know how busy you are, but reading these two easy-to-use tips will only take a minute:

Teerapun / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Inject humor and laughter. Lightheartedness is often the first casualty of a hectic family life. Keep fun alive by joking around, sending silly texts or using pet names. Making time to be playful and engaging with each other can often lead to greater satisfaction and deeper intimacy.

Stay connected. A gentle touch or quick hug can release oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces blood pressure and stress levels. When you're feeling tense, an affectionate moment can help you feel closer, loved and even more relaxed.

By now you must know that you can't change your partner. But you can impact his reactions if you shift your own attitude, feelings and behavior. Then, as your union becomes stronger, he may decide to make some changes in himself - and that will benefit the relationship.

You see, positive emotions can open you both to new possibilities. Try to let your heart do the talking and commit to little changes that mean a lot. When you bring out the best in each other, you create a reservoir of goodwill. Look at is as an investment in your emotional bank account. And on Valentine’s Day, be ready to start cashing in the dividends.

How to Work Your Way toward Valentine's Day

If you’re a Sandwiched Boomer, caring for parents growing older and kids growing up, Valentine’s Day may be just one more responsibility you have to take care of. Are you trying to balance work and family with little choice but to leave your love relationship on the back burner? Busy people under pressure often hurt the one they love. Not ideal circumstances as we approach the most romantic day of the year.

Marital relationship experts seem to focus on minimizing the negatives – don’t nag, don’t be controlling, don’t overreact, don’t withhold sex.

But why not concentrate on the do’s instead of the don’ts? Positive reinforcements can help increase attraction, motivation and connection. So if you apply these practical and easy-to-implement insights, you may begin to see positive changes, just in time for Valentine’s Day:

Express gratitude. Remembering to say thank you may sound overly simplistic, but it can help bring to mind your partner’s good qualities. Compliments serve as positive reinforcements at times when you may be preoccupied with work and kids or taking each other for granted.

Try to compromise. Be direct, yet open and flexible as you make your way through disagreements. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes and truly understanding the other point of view can help resolve conflict quickly without so many lingering resentments.

Log on Wednesday for more practical tips about achieving marital success.

In the meantime, would you like to download a complimentary eBook, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching Your Goals? All you have to do is sign the email list to the left of this post. You'll also receive our free monthly eZine, Stepping Stones, with lots of ideas about how to resolve your family problems.

Virtual Book Tour: Mother Daughter Show

Today we’re delighted to welcome Natalie Wexler to our Virtual Book Tour. Her recently published novel, The Mother Daughter Show, is both hilarious and poignant. We know it will appeal to anyone who's ever had a daughter, and to anyone who's ever been one. So let’s get started:

Nourishing Relationships: What inspired you to write The Mother Daughter Show?

Natalie Wexler: I wrote The Mother Daughter Show partly to try to maintain a sense of humor about a situation I found myself in - the real Mother Daughter Show, a longstanding tradition at Sidwell Friends School, where my daughter was a senior.

Every year the mothers of graduating senior girls write and perform a musical revue for their daughters, and it seems like almost every year peculiar things happen between the mothers. I wanted to understand why - what was it about this situation that made people act in ways they usually don’t? One obvious possible reason was that the senior year of high school is a stressful year, for mothers as well as daughters: there’s the pressure of applying to college, the stress of wondering where your child will get in, and the emotions stirred by the prospect of your precious little girl leaving the nest.

So I wanted to explore that, but I also saw the novel as an opportunity to write more broadly about the mother-daughter relationship. I gave each of my three main characters (Amanda, Susan, and Barb) a mother of her own as well as a teenage daughter, to allow for a multi-generational aspect to the book. There are tensions between these older mothers and daughters as well, and one of the mothers, Barb, is stretched thin caring for her ailing mother while trying to control her rebellious daughter.

Also, Susan and Amanda begin to see some parallels between the way they interact with their daughters and the way they’ve interacted - or perhaps still interact - with their own mothers. (There’s nothing like having a teenage daughter to give you some empathy for your own mother!) And Barb realizes that her difficulty confronting her daughter may be a reaction against her own mother’s penchant for criticism. Inevitably, our relationships with our kids are affected by our relationships with our own parents, one way or another, and I wanted to examine that.

N R: Who is your favorite character in the book, and why?

Natalie: I suppose I feel closest to Amanda, although she is no more “me” than any of the other characters are real individuals. But she fills the role that I did in planning the show, which is to say writing funny lyrics to a bunch of existing songs. Just as I did, she gets totally wrapped up in the creative process, unable to stop herself from churning out song lyric after song lyric, even when it becomes clear that other mothers want to take the show in a different direction.

I also sympathize with Amanda’s dilemma as a longtime stay-at-home mother who needs to make money and cherishes what seems to be an impossible dream: to find a job that not only pays well but also provides an outlet for her talents and gives her a sense of self-fulfillment. That can be tough at any point in life, but it’s a real challenge for someone in their fifties who’s been out of the workforce for twenty years - and is trying to re-enter it in the middle of a recession.

N R: What turned out to be your greatest challenge in writing The Mother Daughter Show?

Natalie: Coming up with a plot that worked. My first several drafts hewed much more closely to the show itself, and several readers told me that I needed more dramatic action. Apparently the mechanics of the show just weren’t that interesting to the general public! I wanted to keep the show as the background that framed the story, though, so the challenge was to come up with another plot that I could somehow shoehorn into the one I had. At first I didn’t think I could do it, but eventually I figured it out.

N R: Your own children attended an elite private school in D.C. How much of your story was drawn from real life?

Natalie: In terms of the details, not that much. To some extent I’m satirizing things that probably go on in any private school milieu (although as far as I’m aware, Sidwell is the only school that has a Mother Daughter Show - and I’ve learned they’ve decided to discontinue it). Of course, there’s a Washington, D.C. aspect that’s distinctive. For instance, a President’s daughter attends my fictional school, and the Obama girls currently attend Sidwell. But the Presidential daughter in the novel, who is an extremely minor character, is clearly not Sasha or Malia, any more than any of the characters are real people.

What I did borrow from real life about that situation is the excitement surrounding the presence of the First Family at the school, at least when they first got there (the novel begins in February 2009). In the book, tickets to the annual auction and the school play sell at an unprecedented rate, because people think the President and First Lady might show up. That really happened, more or less. Of course, as in the book, the President didn’t end up attending many school functions, apparently because he was a little preoccupied with trying to solve the nation’s problems.

All that having been said, I think many of the themes in the book transcend the private school milieu, and I hope that just about anyone - whether their kids go to private school or not - will be able to identify with them.

N R: You are an accomplished author, having written the award-winning historical novel, A More Obedient Wife and now the contemporary satire The Mother Daughter Show. Can you speak to the differences in your approach to each project?

Natalie: The two novels are quite different, and the creative process was different in many ways as well. To write a historical novel, you have to immerse yourself in the period you’re writing about (in the case of A More Obedient Wife, the 1790s). That requires a lot of research, and even then you’re always worrying that you’ve gotten something wrong (at least I was!). So it was a nice change not to have to grapple with that for The Mother Daughter Show. Instead of burying myself in the library, I could just use my observations about the world around me.

Also, with A More Obedient Wife, my starting point was real letters between real people who lived 200 years ago. I saw my task as recreating, as much as possible, the lost lives and personalities of these people, while at the same time constructing a coherent plot. With The Mother Daughter Show, my goal was more to get away from what really happened. In a way, I knew the situation I was writing about too well—it was tempting to just write down what happened rather than create a well developed story. And at the same time, I knew too little. To create characters that work, an author needs to know them inside out, and I simply didn’t know the other women working on the show that well. Maybe it would have been easier to just write down what really happened, but it wouldn’t have worked as a novel.

Thanks, Natalie, we really appreciate your spending time with us today. You can learn more about Natalie and her writing on her website. And now it’s your turn, readers – click on ‘Comments’ below, follow the prompts and share your remarks or ask Natalie questions. We'll be glad you did!

Stock Market Roller Coaster and Domestic Violence

Across the United States, in Greece, Europe and all around the world, the effects of the financial crisis continue to spread – stock markets are erratic, foreclosures are still widespread, banks are being taken over, credit is frozen and bankruptcies are increasing. No one can predict with certainty the long-term effects on the economy, but most pundits agree that this collapse will not right itself in the near future.

How is all this affecting you and your loved ones? Are you all anxious and angry - on the verge of taking out your frustration over the financial news on each other? Although Domestic Violence Awareness Month is just over, this remains a good time for your family to look inward and reflect on your actions. Only by becoming aware of the potential for abuse can you honestly assess behavior.

While a number of factors have been recognized as causes of domestic violence – mental illness, substance abuse, certain innate personality traits, low self-esteem, poor impulse control and a history of being battered - social stressors have been identified as having a particularly strong impact on abusers. Poverty, lack of control and feelings of powerlessness can lead to the perpetrator's perceived need to dominate family members. And this is linked to increased levels of mistreatment. During the current plummet of world markets, those who abuse are more likely to express their feelings of frustration in more belligerent ways.

Many people who are normally calm are stressed by the financial meltdown and concerned that they are spiraling out of control. If this sounds familiar, you could be at risk emotionally and physically. If you are worried about a hostile attitude and aggressive behavior, begin by following these suggestions:

1. Insist your partner participate in individual therapy as well as relationship counseling. The therapy should focus on anger management, cognitive behavioral change, insight, skill building, communication, stress reduction and control strategies.

2. Get help from friends and family. Talk about your concerns, educating them about domestic violence. Let them know what you need from them and how to recognize if you are in immediate danger. Devise code words to alert them if you need help.

3. Prepare to take care of yourself - emotionally, financially and physically. Find a therapist who will help you develop self-confidence and the life skills you may need to go solo. Take charge of your personal finances, open your own bank account, find a job if you are not already employed.

4. Have an exit strategy and plan what to do if and when you leave the relationship. Investigate the national domestic violence hotline, available community resources and learn about shelters in your area. Have copies of documents you may need as well as extra clothes and cash; leave them with a friend or neighbor so you can retrieve them later.

5. Immediately let someone in authority know about the abuse, if it occurs. Have the phone number of the local police station available - and you can always call 911. If the violence is directed to your children or the elderly, know how to contact the agencies dealing with child welfare and elder abuse.

As we move through these difficult financial times, the stresses we face are great. Emotions are likely to be close to the surface as uncertainty about the state of our economy continues. Be aware of any potential for domestic abuse in your family and learn how to protect yourself and your loved ones from the painful trauma caused by violence.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Lost in headlines about presidential electioneering and the roller coaster stock market is the news that October is designated to raise awareness of domestic violence. The irony is that financial shock waves may increase the prevalence of abuse. The economic turmoil will undoubtedly lead to greater fears, pressure and anxiety within families facing financial collapse - and that stress can lead to battering.

The Centers for Disease Control believes that 10% of the population is affected by domestic abuse, although it is estimated that only one-third of these cases are actually reported. It is the most common cause of injury for women ages 15 to 44 who suffer physical as well as emotional injury, such as depression, anxiety and social isolation.

domestic violence, a photo by speak.india on Flickr.

Why do women remain in abusive relationships? Frequently, the reason is fear - they've been brainwashed by the perpetrator, convinced that they are helpless and cannot cope alone. Or they're afraid that the abusive partner will harm them or the children if they attempt to leave. Some victims incorrectly believe they are responsible - that they have caused the abuse or it is up to them to stay and keep the family together. Denial as a defense mechanism can remain strong: victims may not see themselves as battered and don't believe the perpetrator will continue the abuse.

If you're afraid of your partner's anger and how he/she treats you, your children or elders under your care, your first responsibility is to protect yourself and loved ones from harm. Resolve to begin the tough process of freeing yourself even if you feel trapped and so deeply entrenched in the dysfunctional relationship that it seems you'll never break away. Visit our blog again on Wednesday as we give you some steps to start the process of protecting yourself.

Thinking of Going Gray?

We are pleased to be hosting Anne Kreamer here on the blog on Wednesday, October 19 to talk with us about her latest book, It's Always Personal. Our readers were fascinated by her last visit here when she shared her personal story about Going Gray, so we thought we'd share some excerpts of our last chat with Anne. If you've ever considered going gray yourself, here's some of what Anne shared with us at that time:

NR: What were the issues that you’d uncovered while your hair was growing out?

Anne: I discovered that I was worried about whether I could ever be attractive to men in the same way with gray hair as I thought I had been with my dyed brown hair. And when I began to talk with other women about my experience I uncovered that worry about their loss of attractiveness is perhaps the single greatest fear almost all women feel as they get older since gray hair is our most visible signal of age. Women were also terrified that they would lose professional opportunity if they were perceived as old.

NR: How did you go about getting at the underlying truth or issues behind those fears?

Anne: I did several different things. I talked to as many different kinds of men and women as I could – from well-known people like Emmylou Harris, Anna Quindlen, Frances McDormand, Mireille Guiliano (French Women Don’t Get Fat), Nora Ephron and Governor Ann Richards to regular people I met across the country. I conducted a national survey of 500 people probing all sorts of issues around aging and the things that we do to mask the signs of aging. I used myself as a guinea pig in a variety of situations – I pseudo-dated on-line, went out to bars, interviewed headhunters and met in cognito with image consultants. And I read everything I could get my hands on.

NR: What surprised you the most?

Anne: You mean after I figured out that I had spent $65,000 on hair color alone during the 25 years I dyed my hair? (That $65,000 would today be worth $300,000 after adjusting for inflation!)

NR: Wow! But yes, beyond that statistic.

Anne: What most surprised me was discovering that when it comes to letting their hair be its natural gray, or not, I think a lot of women tend to be worried about the wrong thing. I certainly was. More women are more worried that men won’t find them attractive with gray hair, and yet believe that gray hair is acceptable professionally. My research revealed that the truth is the opposite.

NR: What do you mean?

Anne: Well, for instance, I tried to really get at whether gray hair was unattractive to men on Match.com. I figured if I was honest about my age and interests and posted an image of myself with gray hair that I’d naturally get fewer “dates” (or “winks” as overtures are called on Match.com) than I would when I posted the same information but instead used an image of myself with my hair Photo-shopped brown. And shockingly, after I did the experiment three times in three different cities, three times as many men in New York, Chicago and L.A. were interested in going out with me when my hair was gray. This blew my mind. When I was on Good Morning America, they replicated the experiment with a 61-year-old widow in Florida and she had the exact same results! Maybe men figured that if we were being honest about the color of our hair that perhaps our lack of pretence would make us more accessible and easier to date. Or maybe the gray made me stand out from the overwhelming majority of Match-com women my age who color their hair. I honestly don’t know. But I do know the results were inspiring. We should give men a lot more credit.

NR: Did you test this theory in the real world?

Anne: Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. I went out to a variety of New York bars (from places where Wall Street guys would hang out to the kinds where locals went to watch sports) and once again I was really surprised by how it seemed that my gray hair color did nothing to prevent me from meeting and talking with nice-looking younger guys. Most women I talked with during research for my book were convinced that if a woman had gray hair and then got divorced that it was absolutely essential that she dye her hair if she were ever going to date again. I strongly believe that that is not the case. And moreover, I would suggest to most women that if the guy they’re interested in will only like them if they dye their hair, then maybe he’s not Mr. Right.

NR: Was there anything else that supports your contrarian point of view?

Anne: The results from my survey were compelling. There is a huge double standard. Through a Photo shopped experiment I also tested precisely how much gray hair aged a person and what I discovered is that if a person is in their 40s or 50s, gray hair allows others to accurately guess a person’s age. When I Photo shopped the gray hair out with brown, the person was guessed to be about two or three years younger. Which seems like a modest difference to work so hard to achieve. I think the reality is we are only fooling ourselves about our age through the use of hair color.

NR: So what was the story professionally?

Anne: I interviewed different media headhunters – one in New York, the other based in Colorado and both said that they had neither a female client nor a prospective job candidate with gray hair. They went into real detail about how gray hair was consistently viewed as a signal that a person would not be “right” for most company cultures. And they suggested that if a woman were in sales or marketing allowing herself to go gray on the job would be the kiss of death.

NR: You didn’t expect this?

Anne: I met with these women assuming they’d tell me that if I wanted to get back into the corporate arena then I’d have to update my image and dye my hair. But I didn’t expect them to be so emphatic about how damaging gray hair could be to a woman’s career. What I’ve come to believe is that we need women in prominent positions (say, Hillary Clinton) to have their natural hair color in order to give other women the choice or option to dye or not to dye. In my mind it’s like baldness was for men before professional athletes like Michael Jordan or actors like Bruce Willis made baldness seem sexy and masculine. If there were more Emmylou Harris’ the choice would be easier.

NR: What about the image consultants?

Anne: I was completely taken aback by the image consultants. I met with three very different people and firms and in each instance they believed that my gray hair could be a professional asset – something along the lines of the way Meryl Streep looked playing the character, Miranda Priestly in the Devil Wears Prada. The main thing I learned from the consultants is that if you change any one aspect of your look, then it is important to modify everything else to bring out your best features. I needed to update my style and color palette.

NR: Where did you end up? Do you disapprove of people who dye their hair?

Anne: I certainly don’t disapprove of people who dye their hair – after all, I’m a very recent convert to my natural color. And I no longer work in a corporate environment so I have the luxury of feeling safe and comfortable writing at home by myself with my gray hair and I’ve been married to the same man for 30 years. But I did come through on the other side happier and more at home in my body than when I dyed my hair. It feels liberating to walk down the street and know that as much as possible I’m projecting pretty much who I am to the world. I love not spending the time at the beauty shop and I really love not spending the money.

I feel like I’m a better role model for my daughters and it seems like my husband finds me as sexy with my natural hair.

I also discovered through my research and reading that acknowledgement of your real age is one of the most important tools we have to increase the odds that we’ll age healthfully and happily. Several studies have clearly indicated that people who accept their age actually live longer. So I love that by choosing to give up one little piece of artifice I might actually be helping myself stick around longer for the grandchildren I long to know.

NR: If you'd like to hear more from this dynamite woman, join us again on Wednesday for another sit-down with Anne Kreamer. You'll learn about her take on the new realities of emotions in the workplace as Anne talks about her new book, It's Always Personal.

Care-giving 101: Boomers Beware

What an unfortunate end to a terrific week at the lake, with all our kids and grandsons, celebrating my husband's birthday. During one final swim, he slipped on the dock, had to have surgery on a fracture through the knee joint and is now only 10 days into an 8-12 week stint of no weight bearing. And yes, living in a 2nd floor walk-up, we're both counting the days!

When we're busy with our lives and moving along as usual we tend to feel bad for the injured and their caretakers but don’t really give much thought to the challenges they're facing. As with so many other circumstances, it's often through experience that we really know how it feels - and then can access a depth of compassion.

So what's it like for an active, strong willed risk taker to be rendered helpless and in the hands of the woman he's been married to for 45 years? Well, it's a new role for both of us and we're trying to learn as we go. You can't really be prepared for the unexpected but, as we age, we're all vulnerable. So here are some pointers about what we've been doing to make our way through this rough period:

The first days can be the hardest. We take so much for granted. When your partner is incapacitated, the physical and emotional challenges can't help but have a huge impact. And with a reversal of roles, while one may feel vulnerable and upset, the other's emotions can fluctuate from fear to frustration. Yet eventually both can experience a deep sense of support and renewed strength as you draw on the coping strengths that helped you manage difficult times in the past.

What you're feeling is normal. The emotions that surface can affect how you see yourselves, even on a temporary basis. Let the anger, exhaustion, resentment or guilt wash over you but don't give in to them. Try to be hopeful as you adjust to the new reality. You'll take better care of your emotional self if you don't dwell on the negatives and begin to accept that this too will pass.

Care for the care-giver. Look on the bright side of a difficult situation as you balance caring for your partner and taking care of your own needs. Make time for yourself - take a long walk or yoga class, go back to volunteer work or grandbaby sitting, enjoy lunch or a movie with a friend. Recognize what you can manage and that you don't have to do it all alone – and remember that it's OK to ask for help.

If your family has been through this, please share your ideas by clicking on 'Comments' below. And log on again Wednesday when we'll be STILL be talking about the cared for and the care-giver.

Virtual Book Tour with Dr. Erica Goodstone

We want to welcome Dr. Erica Goodstone to our Virtual Book Tour today - we know you'll enjoy our discussion about her book, Love Me, Touch Me, Heal Me: The Path to Physical, Emotional, Sexual and Spiritual Reawakening. So let's not waste any time getting started:

Nourishing Relationships: Why does Part I and your first book, Love Me…Please, focus so heavily on the power of love? Aren’t there really some good people, some good love partners, and some that are destructive and hurtful? Shouldn’t we just get rid of the “bad” partners and seek the “good” ones?

Erica Goodstone: The theory or premise behind my beliefs about the power of love developed from the writings and teachings of many different researchers and seminar leaders. First, my doctoral dissertation focused on the mother-infant bonding research of psychologist, Dr. Margaret Mahler. She observed mothers and infants during the first 3 years of life. When bonding was less than adequate, the child would develop separation anxiety, intense ambivalence and anxiety about merging or becoming close. These early anxieties would set the stage for lifelong relationship patterns unless recognized and consciously changed later in life. Next, was the wonderful writing of Ken Keyes, Jr. about letting go of resistance and learning how to begin “living love.” And I can still recall the comforting words of author, Leo Buscaglia, that we can live life without love but it is empty and dull and not full of adventure and surprises and delight.

Most of us tend to choose our most intimate partners because of an unconscious need to overcome our less than adequate childhood bonding with our earliest careteakers. We recognize signs in the eyes, tone of voice and body language of potential partners, signaling that this person could help us to relive and perhaps overcome our past anxieties and insecurities. Often we sense this without consciously realizing what it all means. We just feel an intense attraction. But then, if we continue into a long term committed relationship, those initial good feelings often give way to the opposite. We feel as if we are losing our sense of self and it looks as if it is the other person’s fault. This is the point where counseling and couples therapy can help each person and the couple to heal and finally become able to create true love and passion and joy together.

NR: In Part II and your second book, Touch Me … Please, why do you say “Your Body Believes You?” Our brain is our consciousness. Our body is just our body.

E G: Our brain contains neurons but the signals coming from the brain spread throughout our body. We have nerve endings almost everywhere. True, our body does not have a mind of its own. It responds to the commands we give it. Therefore, if we say that someone we know is a “pain in the neck.” Our neck hears that message and guess what? We may soon find we have a pain in that body part and we don’t know how that occurred.

Our emotions affect the tension in our muscles, the strength and flexibility of our tendons and ligaments, and even the overall posturing of our body. When we feel proud and confident, we stand with our head up, our shoulders back and our chest open. When we feel depressed or ashamed, our shoulders may slump and we drop our head or let our eyes glance downward. Be careful what you tell yourself because your body will respond.

NR: Why do you talk so much about touching and what is the benefit of all these different types of body therapies? Isn’t touch just a natural part of life and shouldn’t it be reserved only for our most intimate partners?

E G: Touch is powerful. Touch can soothe and nurture and heal. Touch can also hurt and harm and destroy. Our sense of self-worth, our ability to love, and our sexual desire and passion often hinges upon the way we touch and respond to touch. Loving touch assists us to release painful memories and to open our heart to others. Of course, it is wonderful when we can easily and regularly share loving, nurturing touch with those closest to us: our parents, our children, and our most intimate partner. But many of us have grown up in homes where touch was either sparse, absent or only used to cause punishment and pain. Without touch, our bodies often remain stuck in habitual tension patterns that affect our emotional states and the ways that we interact with others. When we receive some form of body therapy, from a skilled practitioner, the cells and tissues, muscles and nerves respond. Emotional memories may be released. We can more easily relax, alone or in the presence of others. Physical touch can literally touch our inner being, our spirit or our soul.

NR: In Part III and your third book, Heal Me … Please, you talk about your own healing experiences and ask the reader about theirs. Isn’t healing just a matter of luck or genetics?

E G: The true stories, with names and events altered to protect my clients’ privacy and anonymity, reveal the incredible healing potential of somatic or body-oriented psychotherapy. Combining gentle touch with body awareness, talk, visualization and memory, helps to shift habitual body tension patterns and reframe life events and prior circumstances. As you increase awareness and allow your mind to create new visions for your relationships and your life, it become easier to handle challenges and problems as they arise. As you learn to listen to your own body messages, you are more able to tell the truth to yourself. Gradually, it becomes safe to let go of old, familiar patterns that no longer serve you. As you allow yourself to be more authentic and vulnerable with friends and family and your most intimate partner, you also offer the other person permission to let down and be vulnerable with you. Love builds on that mutual open communication. And some of your chronic health conditions may begin to lessen and disappear as you build a stronger and more lasting mind-body connection.

NR: In Part IV and your fourth book, Sexual and Spiritual Reawakening, you ask the reader to review their own personal history as far back as when they were in their mother’s womb. What does that have to do with a current sexual problem between two people in a long term relationship now, 20, 30, maybe 50 years later?

E G: Age has nothing to do with it. Our childhood memories remain for a lifetime. Our bodies and our brains recall those happy, spirited, free flowing times as well as those moments of shame, embarrassment, humiliation, defeat and even abuse. Many of us develop a way of posturing, a body armoring, to keep us strong so that we do not have to think about the early painful times. But that armoring keeps us at a distance, not only from others, but also from our own inner knowing. As we explore our own earliest memories, conscious and even pre-verbal, we can begin to make sense of our current circumstances. We begin to understand why we have chosen a particular life partner and even why we may have chosen to remain single. We recall those times when our body and our mind felt free and exuberant and this gives us the impetus to find ways to return to that state. As we unravel our own past and focus on our own patterns within our relationships, we can much more easily forgive the transgressions of our friends and most intimate partner. Once we acknowledge our own part in creating any relationship, we are ready to build a new foundation of trust and love and authentic relating.

NR: How does spirituality affect relationships?

E G: Someone can appear “spiritual.” They can talk the talk but not actually be living according to what they say. A spiritual perspective implies an open-minded, forgiving and accepting outlook on life and relationships. There is a strong willingness to overlook flaws and past hurts, to face the present moment with strength, courage and integrity, and to believe in the power of love for oneself and for everyone else. Without a strong spiritual foundation, many relationships flounder and are torn apart by the vicissitudes of changing worldly conditions.There is a sense of overwhelming relief when we realize that this situation, this relationship, the healing of our body, and the creation of happiness and emotional well-being, is beyond our immediate control. When we can truly allow ourselves to “let go and let God,” we can endure and overcome life’s trials and tribulations with grace, confidence and peace of mind.

Thanks, Erica for sharing your theories, thoughts and wisdom. Learn more about Erica by logging on to her blog. You can contact her directly at her website and check out her new venture.

Now, readers, it's your turn to ask questions. Just click on 'Comments' at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. You can even sign in as 'Anonymous,' it's as easy as that.

Kate and William: Making Marriage Work

There's so much media buzz about the upcoming wedding of William and Kate. One focus seems to be on whether Kate can handle the job - hers is sort of a rags to riches story. The question is, will she just try to please or come into her own and be a role model for young women everywhere? Scroll back to our Monday blog for ideas about how the young royals can make marriage work - and then here are some more practical tips for them and you:

Keep the fun alive. Lightheartedness is often one of the first casualties of a busy and hectic life. Inject humor and laughter by joking around. It can turn into an affectionate moment which helps you feel closer, loved and even more relaxed. Making time to be playful with each other can often lead to greater intimacy.

Be sensitive to your new role as an in-law. Competition may surface if your

Happily Ever After: Tips for William and Kate

The 19th century English poet, Lord Alfred Tennyson, put this universal truth in writing: "In the spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love." And we all know there's no better time for a royal wedding. Apparently the April 29 marriage of Prince William of Wales and Kate Middleton, at Westminster Abbey with 1900 guests, will be watched by almost 2 billion people worldwide. Their long walk to the altar will be one of the most viewed TV events of the century.

Lots of girls grow up reading fairy tales about princesses and hoping to find a prince of their own. But living life in the limelight can make it hard to build a successful relationship. Whether your marriage will last depends, in part, on how you prepare for the challenges. Some of the following tips may be helpful to you and the young royals:

Don't surrender your self. Carve out a space in the marriage, keeping the activities and friendships that make you who you are. Take positive action in your own life. You'll have a more positive attitude, be interesting to your partner, and your relationship will reap the benefits.

Keep your communication honest. Talk out misunderstandings before they become full-fledged arguments. Be patient and let go of issues that aren't crucial. And stay engaged. Use the same conversational etiquette that you would with anyone else you care about and respect.

Try to compromise. Be direct, yet open and flexible as you make your way through disagreements. Truly understanding the other point of view can help resolve a conflict more easily and quickly. A gentle touch or a quick hug releases oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding as well as reduces stress levels.

Be sure to come back on Wednesday, as we'll have additional tips for the royal couple. And if you're interested in more information about relationships and conflict resolution, click here - Her Mentor Center.com has lots of articles in Family Relationships and Newsletter Library .

Tips for Less Stress

In our fast paced world, Valentine's Day is already a fading memory. If you're single, that may be a relief. Although you can't control whether or not you have a romantic relationship, you can control how you manage your life. When you realize that you always have lots of choices, it's easier to take your stress level down a notch:


Photos by Salvatore Vuono


Give back some love. Do you have a relative or neighbor who could use a visit or phone call? Go outside your normal routine and get in touch with someone you've been meaning to call - it could brighten the day for both of you. Studies show that when you shift attention away from yourself to others, you actually feel better.

Volunteer your time. Nothing makes the day more special than a good deed. And the payback of altruism or giving back can help you see the situation from a much better perspective. Spending the day in a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter helps those in need, increases your connections and can improver your sense of self.

Let go of bad feelings and think positive. If you continue to feel frustrated, angry or disappointed, remember that a minor change in attitude can make a big difference in how you relate to others. According to Indira Gandhi, "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." Try to find humor in your situation and fall back on laughter.

Focus on a relationship plan. If it's what you want, you can define objectives that will move you in that direction. Tell those you trust that you would appreciate being fixed up. Make a list of what you expect in a partner and what changes you may be willing to make. Join a singles group or a dating website. Take whatever steps you think are vital to improve your chances.

Relax and rejuvenate to relieve stress. Attend to your mind and your spirit. Practice techniques of deep breathing or your own form of meditation. And set aside quiet time to do what brings you pleasure. Nurture yourself and your body through regular exercise, good nutrition and proper rest. This sort of attitude will sustain you as well as promote greater self care.

Give yourself the priceless gift of a life less stressed. Spend some time on Her Mentor Center and read articles that are full of tips just for you. Sign the email list to the left of this post to receive a free monthly newsletter - and then download a complimentary ebook about how to reach your goals.

Mark the calendar as the first day of the rest of your life. Commit to keeping your worry in check and maintaining balance in your life. As you savor your newfound power, cast a love spell in celebration of you.